Birds of a Feather (1989) s11e07 Episode Script

1 What'll I do When you are far away And I am blue What'll I do When I'm alone With only dreams of you That won't come true What'll I do Quick! Get in, get in! Hide that! You'll get us arrested.
I always thought you liked being put in handcuffs! ~ Shh! ~ Shush! ~ You shush! You shush! They've gone! Shh.
Shh! It's a school night, Mum.
Boring! A traffic cone? Really boring! You know you've had a good night out when you wake up next to a traffic cone.
Change cone to cop and I'm with you 100%.
~ You know what we need now? ~ Beauty sleep.
Tequila shots! Yes! I am so proud of you right now.
~ I love you.
~ I love you.
It's no good talking to them when they're in this mood.
Keep an eye on her.
She might choke on her dentures.
Oh! Sideways? Are you mad?! ~ So, have we worn you out, Dor? ~ Certainly not.
Although it is our third night out this week and it's only Monday.
Oh, this is the old Tracey I remember.
Before Darryl tamed her.
Oh, hokey cokey cokey! Oh, hokey cokey cokey! Oh, it's taken her 40 years but she's finally got her second wind.
I reckon it's because her next birthday's her 56th.
The big 6-0 is on the horizon.
Tracey's having her last hurrah! ~ You having a last hurrah, Trace? ~ No! I don't like them fancy cocktails! Let's stick to the shots, eh? Come on, down in one! Ready One, two, three! Oh! Here, you know what we ought to do? We ought to have a girlie weekend away.
Oh, yeah.
A relaxing spa weekend at an idyllic country retreat.
Or a 70s Revival Weekend in Skeggy! Fat Angela goes every year.
She reckons it's quality.
She says that the tribute bands are better than the real ones.
They've got 'Raving Mud', right? And they've got the original guitarist's friend's sister-in-law in it.
There weren't no girls in Mud! Don't be so picky, Trace! You could do your Tiger Feet dance.
Only if I want to give myself a double hernia! Look, I don't fancy going anywhere with Fat Angela.
If I want to see old birds desperately trying to relive their youth I've just got to look at her! The one on the left.
~ The one on the right.
~ I'll have them both.
Both? You're right.
I'll take all three.
~ Tracey! ~ Stop fussing! Shoes next.
She's so her old self.
I love it! I love these boots.
They're so soft.
There's no way Dorien'd ever hear me coming up behind her with a blunt instrument if I was wearing these.
Well, get 'em.
I can't! Too dear.
~ Have a look.
~ I'll treat you.
No.
You can't, Trace.
I've got my pride.
They are so comfy! Are you over your pride yet? I think so, Trace.
Thank you very much.
Girls what do you think? I think I need help to get out of them! Girls! Don't leave me, I can't get down! Tracey! Have you left anything on the rails? I fancy a change.
Just want to brighten myself up.
~ How many items? ~ Eight or nine.
Cheers.
Sorry, only one item at a time.
You just let my sister go through with an armful.
It's staff discretion.
You think I'm going to nick something, don't you? Would you like to take one item into the changing room or not, madam? If I was going to nick something, I'd choose somewhere a lot better than this.
These are lovely, aren't they? I bought one last week.
Really? In that case I won't bother.
~ Trace ~ What? I'm in a tangle.
I've put me arm through the leg bit, and me leg through the arm bit Oh.
That's sorted it! Tracey, are you going to be much longer in there? I'm starting to get static from all the man-made fibres.
This garment is damaged.
Very shoddy.
Tracey? Tell her I've gone out.
Tracey? ~ Where's Tracey? ~ Garden.
~ What's going on? ~ Tracey! She's coming back! Tracey! Tracey? So, any particular reason you're hiding from her? I think she just wants to nag me about spending too much money.
She can talk! She flashes her plastic more often than she flashes her knickers.
Oh, my God! I thought I'd found an actual skeleton in my closet! ~ I thought you'd gone out? ~ It's the only way I could pin you down.
How long have you had that mole on your shoulder? ~ Mind your own business.
~ I can't! My mother in law had one just like it.
It got bigger and bigger and she was dead within three years.
~ Well, why didn't you tell her? ~ Because she was my mother in law.
~ You need to see a doctor.
~ No, I don't.
Because they'll all just say it's cancer and I'd rather not know.
I'll just keel over in Tescos one day.
Probably be in the deli queue, ~ the time that woman takes to cut a quarter of corned beef.
~ OK.
If you won't listen to me I'll just tell Sharon and the boys.
Don't you dare! I don't want them knowing.
If you say anything I'll chuck you out, and I mean it.
Fine, I'll start packing immediately I've told them.
Why do you always have to stick your nose in? You're always interfering.
I can't help it! It's a genetic disorder passed from Jewish mothers to their daughters.
I've made you a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning.
I hate you! Will you come with me? What are you two up to? Mum.
We were talking and we've realised that my little brother has never been to a music festival.
So I want to take him to Atomic Pile.
It's the biggest rock event of the year.
No chance.
Well, I think I'm old enough to make my own decisions so if I want to go with Garth, I'll go.
Look at this face.
Is this the face you want to be looking at for the next ten years, minimum? Look, I know you think I'm being a bit hard but I can't worry about what they're up to on top of all of this.
How's the shoulder? ~ Sore.
~ Don't worry about the results of the biopsy.
Going to the doctor means you're in control.
You have bent cancer over the Ottoman and smacked it on the bottom with a bamboo cane.
Sorry.
Flashback! ~ Thanks for making me go, Dor.
~ Pleasure.
I just wish I hadn't had all them sun beds in the 80s.
They never appealed to me.
Couldn't see the point of lying down on your own.
Darryl insisted we had them before we went on our flash holidays, so we didn't look common.
Then he goes and pees in the swimming pool.
And speaking of common ~ when are you going to tell Sharon? ~ I'm not.
Sharon can't cope with illness and death.
Whenever an old relative snuffs it she goes to pieces, so we stopped telling her.
She thinks our Great Aunt Enid in Canada is still going strong at 107.
I don't want Sharon knowing anything yet.
Oh, yeah? About what? Where did you come from? It's me new boots.
I have never been so light on my feet! I tell you, if Jack the Ripper had these boots ~ he'd never have got caught.
~ He never was caught.
And now we know why! So, go on, what ain't I supposed to know about? What's the big secret? You're going to have to tell her, Tracey.
Look, I didn't want to tell you, Shal, but .
.
I've booked that 70s Weekender for us! Result! That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right I really love your tiger light Dear Lord, take me now.
I really love your tiger feet! Join in! This means you're going to that saddo's 70s weekender, doesn't it? ~ Oi! ~ How come you're allowed to go to a festival and we can't? Because we know how to behave ourselves.
Yeah! Too right.
Getting ratted every night.
We will be crawling back to our beds.
In a responsible adult sort of way.
So hypocritical.
I'm so happy, Trace.
I never said it before but that 70s Weekend was on my bucket list.
Seriously? Along with what, a trolley dash around World of Quid? No.
Swimming with dolphins.
Visiting the pyramids Riding the Dalai Lama.
The Dalai Lama isn't an animal! He's a man! Really? That could've been embarrassing, eh? Right, I'm going to tell Fat Angela that we're going.
She is gonna be well chuffed! The Weekender was the first thing that popped into my head.
I hope you know what you've let yourself in for.
~ Ha! You're coming as well.
~ I am not! What was it you just said to me at the doctor's surgery? 'Don't worry, I'll support you every step of the way'.
~ I meant in times of stress.
~ And you don't think a weekend away with Sharon and Fat Angela is going to be stressful?! Now repeat after me.
That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, I really love your tiger light Smells like the inside of a tramp's pocket in here.
Saturday is the Weekender's big night.
If you don't dress up as your favourite 70s character you're going to stick out like a sore thumb.
Wear something like this.
You'll really fit in! I hated the 70s, when I was married to Marcus.
Endless nights in with a man whose idea of letting it all hang out was loosening his kipper tie to eat his cheese fondue.
Stop moaning, you two, will you? Anyone'd think you didn't want to go on the Weekender.
And how many blokes have been in and out of this tatty old thing? She means the costume, Dor, not you.
Ooh, look.
There's Fat Angela.
~ Has she lost weight? ~ No, she's always been skinny.
So why not call her Skinny Angela? Because that would be rude.
Oi, Ange! All right, love? Hiya, babes! ~ You getting your costume? ~ Yeah, yeah! ~ You remember Tracey, don't you? And this is Dorien.
~ All right? ~ Ooh.
You know little Julia? ~ Yeah? ~ She's coming! ~ No! No! I thought she was going to be on remand? That's still touch and go so she don't want to book a room, she might waste her money.
So I said she can have my bed ~ and I'll come in with one of you lot! ~ Hold on a minute.
Oh, I'll go on the floor, babe! You won't know I'm there! Unless I pull.
You might hear me then! You know all the choice costumes are out the back, don't you? Come on, let's have a shufti.
I know what you're both thinking.
But once she's had a few Lambrinis she really comes out of her shell.
These are not my people.
I don't want to go.
Tell Sharon the truth, she's got to find out sometime.
Not if my biopsy comes back clear she won't.
She need never know.
Look, I need you with me, Dor.
If I'm having a wobble you're the only one I can talk to.
Can't we just do it by email? Fat Angela was right, all the good stuff's out the back.
~ You want to see what she's found.
~ Something with a mute button? Look, I'll wear anything, it doesn't matter.
It does matter, Trace! There's loads of prizes for the best costume.
There's a Showaddywaddy box set, a crate of Blue Nun and four free tickets for next year.
The winner takes it all! That's who we can be! Come on then, let's be having you! Oh, come on, girls! What's taking you so long? You can dance, you can jive Having the time of your life Ooh, see that girl, watch that scene Diggin' the dancing queen Ooh oh Sorry, I have no idea who you are.
You all right? Yeah.
Look, Mum I don't blame you for not letting Travis go to the festival.
~ I ain't done much to give you any faith in me.
~ Oh, Garthy.
But I'm going to turn things around.
~ You don't have to prove anything to me.
~ I do.
I've messed around for too long.
But there's going to be no more half baked daydreams.
No more crazy schemes.
I've got a grown up, rock-solid plan.
I'm going to win Masterchef and open a chain of Michelin starred restaurants.
I love you.
So you think it's a good plan then, yeah? ~ You give it a go.
~ I'll give it 150%.
Mum, I don't suppose there's any chance you'll change your mind about me taking Trav to Atomic Pile, is there? Yeah.
You both go and enjoy yourselves.
Yes! Well, he was next door.
What are the chances?! ~ Thanks, Mum! Let's go celebrate.
~ Sweet! I'll get my wallet.
And, Mum, don't worry, I'm going to look after him.
Well, while he's looking after you, you keep an eye on him.
Let me say I know how much you hate me accidentally steaming open your letters so when I do I normally just seal them up.
But this one Why didn't you tell me, Trace? I'm really, really sorry, Shal.
Do you have any idea how let down I feel? I know, I know.
I wanted to tell you but I didn't want to upset you.
Well, I am bloody upset! I mean, it ain't as if I weren't going to find out anyway.
It's all right at the minute.
I mean that letter's just from the nurse explaining what'll happen if it is you know cancer.
Cancer? This is about you booking me to share with Dorien on the Weekender.
Who's got bloody cancer?! I had a mole on my shoulder that went a bit funny so the doctor cut it out and sent it off for a biopsy.
~ And when did all this happen? ~ Only in the last few days.
~ Why didn't you tell me? ~ She thought you might overreact.
Overreact! Over bloody react?! Yeah, how could she have possibly thought such a thing? Hold on.
How come she knows? You told her and you didn't tell me? She's better at handling these sort of things.
Because she's a cold, heartless cow! That's not fair! Dorien's been brilliant.
Well, I'd have been brilliant.
If you'd given me the chance! So when do you get the results of this biopsy? Anytime.
Hello? No, I don't want to claim for PPI! Is there anything else I should know? The lock on a toilet door isn't just there for decoration.
So who else knows? No-one.
~ Not the boys? ~ Especially not the boys.
That's why you've been giving it large.
Going out every night and splashing the cash.
~ You think you're dying.
~ No, she doesn't! She's been to the doctor, she's got it under control.
Bloody cold callers! Tell 'em to sod off! Listen, mate.
Don't ring here again unless you want me to shove my fist so far up your Sorry, Doctor.
Hello? I see.
Yeah, that's fine.
Thank you.
The mole was malignant.
I've got to have a scan to see if it's spread.
The good news is, the scan's the same Friday as the Weekender so we'll have to give that a miss.
Well, come on, then.
We've got to be positive.
Just look at this as a first step on the way to good health, because we are going to be here for you and we're going to be strong.
Aren't we, Sharon? Yeah.
You're going to be all right, Trace.
I mean our family live long, don't they? You look at Auntie Enid.
She's 107 and she's still going strong.
What? Has something happened to Auntie Enid? She ain't sick as well, is she?! No, she's fine.
You ain't just protecting me, are you? As if.