Live at The Apollo (2004) s11e07 Episode Script
Nina Conti, Tanyalee Davis, Hal Cruttenden, Josh Widdicombe
1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Nina Conti.
Happy Christmas! Thank you.
Hey! I'll just get my tiny monkey out of this massive bag.
Come on out, Monkey.
Hello, happy Christmas, everybody.
Here we are.
How long have I got? You can do it as long as you want, now I'm not wearing my vibrating watch.
Well, thank God for that.
Can I say hello to the audience? Yes, of course you can say hello.
Hello.
Hi.
How are you all doing? What's your name? Is it on your T-shirt? Is your name Charly? Yeah.
Charly.
Excellent.
Nice to meet you.
Are you guys friends or lovers? Please tell me lovers.
Do you know each other? Yeah, 22 years.
22 years? Have you had Christmas together, ever? Yeah, we think so.
You've done a Christmas together? What did you get each other? Couldn't possibly say it on telly.
You couldn't possibly say it? Oh, God.
It's pornographic.
I knew this Distasteful.
You couldn't say it? OK, we'll move on.
We'll move on.
Good luck with your lives.
You disgust me.
So sorry about that.
So, yeah, let's find someone else.
You, sir.
Hello, what's your name? Tim.
Tim.
Nice to meet you.
What do you do, Tim? I'm in finance.
You're in finance.
Oh, how thrilling.
How thrilling.
Did you know you'd be in finance as a child? It wasn't your first choice.
What did you want to be? A train driver.
A train driver? Oh, God love you, Tim.
Who are you here with tonight? A friend, Nick.
Your friend Nick.
Are you lovers? No? Well, not yet, anyway.
And so, Nick, how did you guys meet? Work.
At work.
And so, where do you work, you guys? An energy company.
An energy company.
And is it an ecologically sound energy company? It is.
It is? There's no blood on your hands? It's a small green one.
It's a small green energy company.
Congratulations.
No fracking whatsoever.
So, what did you get for Christmas last year? A BMX.
You got a BMX? At your age? Jesus Christ.
A BMX.
How amazing.
And what are you hoping to get this year? Um, some stabilisers.
Stabilisers! What are they? They go on a bike.
That's fantastic.
Tim, I love you.
Could you join us on the stage for a minute, please, Tim? Can we give Tim a round of applause? Come on up.
There are some stairs here for you, Tim.
Oh, Tim.
Hello.
Hello, I'm Nina.
And I'm a monkey stuck to her tit.
Nice to meet you, Tim.
Come on over here.
Because you're going to be Nina's next monkey.
It is painful, I assure you.
Thank you, Tim.
So, right.
I'll see you later, guys.
It's over to you now, Tim.
So, let's see, Tim.
In here, I've got a contraption.
So, if I put that on your face, do you want to hold that, while I just do the straps? Hold the face.
Oh, OK.
Hold the straps.
Oh, you look lovely, Tim.
How are you feeling? I'm feeling all right, actually, yeah.
A little uncertain.
A little uncertain? Yeah.
I'm not sure how to stand.
Well, you're standing all right.
I don't know.
Is it all right? It's beautiful.
OK.
Oh, it's lovely, isn't it, Christmas? You like it? Yeah.
Happy Christmas to you That's lovely.
Isn't that the birthday song? Yeah, I get confused, yeah.
So, Tim, you're hoping for some stabilisers? Yeah.
That bike is so difficult to ride.
So, do you go off-road on it? Yeah, try to.
And you hurt yourself? Frequently.
What have you hurt? Where are your injuries? I hurt my knee, my elbow Yeah? Yeah.
And where else? And my dick.
What? What did you say, sorry? My dick.
Your head? Yeah, can't you tell? Where were you cycling? How can I tell you, with you in charge? You could sort of maybe, I don't know, show me.
What, act it out? Yeah.
The whole landscape? Yeah.
All right.
Over there, there's some, like, waves.
Waves? Yeah, I was attempting to ride on water.
That's why I desperately need those stabilisers.
So, Tim, you work in finance? Yeah.
I work in finance.
In what realm? Energy.
A small, green energy company.
It wasn't my dream.
It wasn't your dream? No, no, it wasn't my dream.
I wanted to drive a train.
Choo-choo.
You may still.
You may still, one day.
Yeah, may still.
Can I just go choo-choo around the stage? Yeah, of course.
Follow me.
Get on the train.
You want me on the train? Yeah, get on.
Hop on board.
Where are we going? We're going to the North Pole.
OK.
Choo-choo! That's lovely, Tim.
Choo-choo! And back again.
We're going back? Yeah, South Pole now.
Ding-ding.
Choo-choo! That's beautiful, Tim.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I really hope you get the stabilisers for Christmas.
Thank you, and I hope one day I'll get to drive a train.
Yes, I hope so, too.
So, I'll sit down now.
OK.
And I'll leave in the manner of my dreams.
What's that? Like a train? Yeah.
Get on.
Choo-choo! Thanks, everyone.
Goodnight.
Choo-choo! All aboard! Beautiful, mate.
Well done.
Thank you so much.
Tim, everybody! OK, OK.
So, guys, it is, um It's time to welcome your first act of the evening.
My God, this woman is incredible.
You're going to love her.
Please welcome Tanyalee Davis, everybody.
Thank you.
That's right.
Some people carry a briefcase to work.
I carry a step-stool.
Hello! Merry Christmas.
Yeah? It's all right, I can still feel the tension in the room.
Some of you are a little shocked.
Don't feel sorry for me.
I get it all the time.
"Oh, look.
She's ginger.
" I feel like I need to educate people on how to interact with little people.
You know, there is a code of conduct.
It's kind of like dealing with Gremlins - which is my favourite Christmas movie.
I've actually come up with three major rules.
If you come across another little person, obviously, you've got to be respectful.
You've got to think of little people, like Gremlins.
Right? Rule number one, don't pat us on the head.
That's right.
It's beneath you people.
Rule number two, don't pick us up.
You know you want to, don't you, sir? Cos people think, "Oh, look, she's small.
"She's going to be light.
" Hell, no.
Look at the size of this ass! That is a solid booty, let me tell you.
And rule number three, no vodka after midnight cos we multiply.
Or we try.
Oh, I love this time of year.
I love shopping.
Oh, my gosh.
I totally love it.
I get very excited.
When I go to the shopping mall, I get really excited.
I start running for the doors.
Right? I'm going shopping.
I'm running for the doors.
Ooh.
They've got the automatic sensors on the doors, right? I'm jumping up and down.
"Come on! Let me in! "I got shit to do!" I've actually got to throw my handbag up in the air, just so I can get in the damn place.
But this is the time of year where I can go guilt-free shopping.
That's what I call it.
Cos I have the best intentions when I go Christmas shopping, but it always seems to be the time where I find the stuff I like for me.
Yeah! I found some stuff I liked the other day.
I go into the fitting room.
I close the fitting room door and where does the bottom of the door come to? Here.
There I am, got my big fat ass hanging out to all the customers.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
Love it.
Love it.
Fitting rooms are crazy.
I love interactions with people at the malls, right? I actually decided this year, I was going to queue up and go and sit on Santa's lap.
Oh, yeah! He was a bit shocked when I crawled up there on his lap, but I know he was thinking, "Ooh, check out the tits on the five-year-old".
I get the best reactions from kids, right, cos children are so honest - very upfront in their reaction.
You know, I had this kid come up to me one time.
He goes, "Ooh, what happened to you? Did you get to an accident?" I went, "Hell, no.
"I didn't eat my vegetables when I was your age, you little shit.
"Now, put me down".
I actually had the cutest experience recently.
This kid was shopping, I was out in the mall, and this kid, I could hear him, and he goes, "Daddy, look - it's one of Santa's helpers!" I know.
I thought that was so cute, until I saw his dad, who started really laughing and pointing, and I was like, "What a dickhead".
So, I walked up to the kid and I went, "Yeah, I'm one of Santa's helpers, and guess what? "He said you were a really good boy this year, "and you're going to get a brand-new PlayStation 4 with all the games".
Last Christmas, I got to perform in Las Vegas.
Have you been to Vegas? Yeah.
Actually, more specifically, I got to do a comedy show at a swingers' club.
Yeah.
Nothing says more "festive" than an adult sex club at Christmas.
Ho-ho-ho! You know, and I'm no prude.
You've got to do like the locals.
I ended up having sex with an eye doctor.
I didn't know he was an eye doctor.
Just in the middle of sex, he was like, "One finger or two? "Better or worse?" I'm just getting blurry I did learn a valuable lesson, though.
Never let your eye doctor cut up your cocaine.
The first line is always really big and every line after that just gets smaller and smaller.
By the way, for the record, I have never done panto.
People ask me that all the time and I'm like, in North America, we don't have that, right? So, of course, when I started coming over here, somebody said, "Oh, have you done panto?" which I thought was, you know, your quaint English way of asking if I'd done porn.
I'm like, "Yeah, he's behind you.
"Yes, he is".
It's all right now.
I'm in a relationship.
Been in a relationship for quite a few years.
Of course, people's first question is always, "Is he a little person?" I'm like, hell, no.
He's actually the shortest guy I've ever dated.
He's 5' 7".
Yeah, down-sized.
Don't worry, he's still nuts over me.
We live in a very small town in North Carolina.
Very conservative people, and of course, I love to freak people out.
So, Kevin and I were sitting on a park bench one day, you know, being all romantic, giving hugs and kisses, and some old man walked by and I saw him kind of look and I was, like, pushed Kevin away.
I was, like, "Daddy, stop it!" Of course, the old man looked mortified.
I was like, "Don't worry.
He kisses better than Uncle Mark".
We've been in a relationship for quite a few years, and you've got to keep the spice alive in a relationship.
So, this year, I treated myself to pole dancing lessons.
Oh, yeah.
Keep the spice alive.
Very popular nowadays.
A lot of women are getting involved.
A lot of celebrities.
Pamela Anderson got a pole installed in her bedroom.
I'm thinking, OK.
Got my lingerie on.
Trying to choreograph my moves.
I don't have a pole, you know, so I had to improvise.
I ended up using a cat scratch post.
Oh, yeah! Whoo! That's right.
That's it from me, you guys.
Thanks a lot.
I'm Tanyalee Davis.
Merry Christmas! Tanyalee Davis, everybody! Fantastic work.
OK.
So, we're ready for our second act of the evening, ladies and gentlemen? Are we excited? Personal favourite of ours.
Can we please give it up for Hal Cruttenden, everybody? Thank you very much.
Good.
Lovely to be here.
Merry Christmas.
Do you know what? I quite like working at Christmas.
I do.
I did panto a couple of years ago.
Oh, no, you didn't! I've never had that reaction before.
I seriously did.
Two years ago, I did panto, cos I got to the end of the year and I realised I still had a little bit of self-respect that needed getting rid of.
I was in Cinderella in Woking, OK? I was Dandini, Prince Charming's assistant.
Buttons was played by Mr Tumble - Justin Fletcher from CBeebies.
And we had a subplot throughout the show that Buttons and Dandini were long-lost brothers, because apparently, I look a little bit like Mr Tumble from CBeebies.
Really pleased about that, yeah.
The other one I get is Martin Roberts from Homes Under the Hammer.
Oh, my God! Loads of you! Loads of you don't have proper jobs.
But Christmas is lovely.
It's a hard time of year for a lot of people, isn't it? It's very hard for people who live alone and have no family to spend it with, and it's even worse for people who do have family and have to spend Christmas with them.
There should be Christmas appeals for those people, shouldn't there? If you're by yourself this Christmas, please spare a thought for Alan, who's being glared at by his father-in-law for eating too many roast potatoes.
When you're watching the Bond film this afternoon, Alan has to walk for six miles.
Traditional family Christmas ramble.
And when he gets back, he'll have to endure two hours of nonstop, soul-destroying charades, followed by ageing relatives talking about the good old days, before immigration and gay people.
You can help Alan by calling this number below.
It's Alan's number.
Pretend there's an emergency in the pub and only he can help.
I'm not nice, folks.
I'm not nice.
People think I'm a nice person.
I'm not nice.
I'm pushy and shallow.
We all are.
Look at our pictures on Facebook.
Our pictures are a complete lie.
No-one's photo is real, is it? Everyone's photo on Facebook is like this.
Do you realise, one day, someone's going to be using that photo to say, "That's your great-great-grandmother"? "Why is it taken from such a funny angle, Mummy?" "Well, in those days, "that was the way fat people tried to look thinner.
" I've got friends that are constantly trying to share every bit of pain on Facebook.
Do you have friends who put a post up, sharing their pain? They won't tell you what's happened, though, will they? "Today has been absolutely the worst day of my entire life.
" Their best friend comes in.
They need to show they're their best friend, so they'll go, "I know, babe.
You're an amazing person.
I'll be over this evening".
Next level of friend has the guts to say, "What happened, babe?" They get the answer, "I'll DM you".
The third level are people like me, just watching, going, "What the bloody hell's happened?" Anything to share their pain.
Someone put a thing up that was really quite an innocuous post.
All it said was, "What would you say if you could talk to yourself at 18?" And all my friends used this as an excuse to share how hard their life had been.
All my friends are like, "You're going to go through some "hard times, but you're an amazing person.
"You'll find a way through and you'll be brave and strong and amazing and grow.
" I got in trouble with my wife, because I wrote on it, "It's going to be horrible.
Kill yourself.
" One woman wrote a thing that was very simple, but very, very powerful.
"What would you say if you could talk to yourself at 18?" She simply wrote, "You are not ugly.
" Yeah.
We totally know her story there, don't we? We know what she's been through.
Probably bullied at school, rejected by partners as she's grown up.
She's probably been laughed at behind her back, and she's had to realise that other people's judgements aren't important.
It doesn't MATTER what other people think.
The only opinion that matters is YOURS, and she knows that she is beautiful.
But, I saw her pictures, and Jesus Christ And I realise that sometimes, sometimes on Facebook, on Twitter, whatever, you have to put something sad up there.
When someone's died, from the family, or a friend has died, you need to put that on Facebook to share the information.
There's people that don't know.
That's absolutely fine.
BUT the constant memorials to old, dead relatives are a little bit indulgent, folks.
Little bit indulgent.
"Six years ago, Gran, you left us.
"Always in my thoughts.
" It's a little bit indulgent.
And it gets competitive.
People go, "I know, I totally understand.
"I've lost all my grandparents.
Totally understand what you're going through.
" "I've lost my grandparents and my parents.
I totally understand.
" My mum died nearly two years ago.
On the anniversary of my mum's death, I am not going to go on Facebook and go, "Mum, you left us two years ago today.
"I know if you were still here, you'd be telling me "to stop using your death to get attention on Facebook.
" People say stupid things to you when your parents have died, don't they? They say things to me like, "Hey, they're always with you, you know.
"They're always with you.
" And I hear that and just think, "Oh, God, I hope not".
Because when I'm by myself I do some really disgusting things.
I can't bear the idea of my dead father appearing to me, going, "My son, I have returned.
"Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'll come back later.
" Oh! My dad was an amazing man.
My dad was very tough.
I can be tough.
I am brave, folks.
I am.
I know I don't seem it.
I'm brave about this job.
I've never run away from a gig.
I've done some really scary gigs.
I did a gig a few years ago to British troops who'd just returned from Afghanistan, and the commanding officer briefed me by saying, "These guys have been through hell.
"There's been death.
There's been injury.
"They've been shot at virtually every day.
Good luck.
" And I went out there, desperately trying to bond, going, "Hello, ahem, just like you, er, quite outdoorsy" "I love camping.
I do.
" And they were so lovely to me.
Front-line troops and they were so nice.
At the end, this guy came up to me and honestly said to me, "I could never do what you do.
" I said to him, "Jesus, just bloody grow a pair.
" Luckily he laughed.
He did.
But I am brave.
I'm brave when it's the right thing to be.
Yeah? I was on the last Tube train, actually this time last year.
Christmas-time last year.
You know what the Tubes in London are like at Christmas.
Quite festive.
Full of vomiting and fighting.
And I was in this carriage.
It was just me and this woman, 19 or 20.
She was sitting about four seats down from me.
It was just me and her in the carriage.
Two guys got on and decided to try and chat her up.
I don't know what men ever think it's a good idea to chat up a woman on the last train at night.
It's never going to work.
There are no women in the world going, "I thought I was always going to be alone, then he sat down opposite me, "burped and said, 'You're lovely', "and I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.
" They're trying to chat her up.
She's really tense.
It's really awkward.
So I give them a look, first of all.
A stern look, not a camp look.
It wasn't like No.
A stern look.
And they just brush it off.
And then one of them thinks it's funny to turn to his mate and say, "Looks like we're going to have to follow this girl home.
" Horrible.
Horrible for her.
Worse for me, cos I now have to step in.
I screwed up all my courage and I turned to this guy and I said, "Leave her alone.
" And this guy turned back to me and said, "Who the hell are you?" And that's when I lost it, folks.
That's when I saw red, because I thought "I've done some telly.
" I was hoping for a little bit of recognition.
So I saw red.
I went mad.
I cannot believe the next thing that came out of my mouth.
I turned back to this guy and I said I actually turned back to him and I honestly said to him, "You want to bother anybody on this train, bother me.
" In that voice.
If I say it in my usual voice, it sounds like a come-on, doesn't it? "You want to bother anybody on this train, bother me.
"I can take both of you.
" Sounds like an invitation to a threesome.
But it actually worked.
They gave me loads of verbal abuse.
They didn't touch me.
Gave me loads of abuse, went, "You're a wanker, mate.
A twat.
"We're just having a bit of a laugh.
Just having a bit of banter.
Bit of a joke.
" I said, "I don't think it's funny, and I think I know about comedy.
" Still didn't know who I was! Actually, as they got off, I think I heard one guy mutter to the other, "That Mr Tumble's got a bit of a temper.
" Thank you very much.
You've been lovely.
Have a lovely Christmas.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
He's so funny.
So great.
I love him.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of this evening? You're going to love him.
Please welcome Josh Widdicombe, everybody.
Josh Widdicombe.
Yes.
Merry Christmas.
Yes.
Merry Christmas! I'm very excited about Christmas.
I am, as you can see.
I I don't want to brag, but I'm nailing shopping at the moment.
I've got a new debit card.
Ooh! Yeah, yeah.
You're right to "whoo".
Yeah, one of the old, er, touchy-downy, er The old touch If you haven't got one of these, you haven't lived.
Oh, my Never do you feel so smug in your life than when they go, "How would you like to pay?" Just have, mate.
See you later.
Where am I off? The future.
Why don't you give me a call when you get there, Captain Chequebook? Thing is, you get used to the touchdown debit card.
You go somewhere that doesn't have that, you can't believe your ears.
"Do you want to just put in your PIN number?" Are you kidding me? You expect me to stand here for four seconds, pushing buttons? What is this? A Victorian workhouse? Well, I'm sorry, Pret a Manger.
No! The worst is when you think they've got the touchdown debit card, but they haven't.
You look like you've never used a debit card before in your life.
"How would you like to pay?" You're just going "Are you having a breakdown?" I hate it when THEY have the terminal.
They have to ask for your permission.
"Do you mind if I just touch?" Yeah, couldn't give a shit, mate.
I trust you that you're not going to go, "Do you mind if I just touch it down? £4,000! Unlucky, my friend.
"Enjoy your Twix.
" Christmas is good though, isn't it? As a kid, it's good.
As an adult, ruined.
It is.
It's not as good.
The first day you realise Christmas will never be the same again is the first time you're entered into office Secret Santa.
That's a depressing day, isn't it? Yeah, just pick a name out the hat and get them a present.
Maximum £10.
Oh, thank God you told me, because I was going to get Jean from HR a hovercraft.
Yeah, keep your eyes closed, Jean.
I hope I haven't overspent.
I'll just reverse it into the marina.
Just going to reverse it into the marina, and you can unpack it.
It was more exciting when you were a kid.
It was the only festival I looked forward to, really, cos at my school we only had that and harvest festival.
Yeah.
That's the reaction it should get.
I don't even know if I'm remembering this festival right.
Is this right? Once a year, at the time of the harvest, we bring in tins of food that we give to the local old people.
Basically we'd celebrate the harvest by giving old people food that was going to last longer than THEY did.
You shouldn't be in a race against time against a tin of plum tomatoes.
All these things that's never had anything to do with the harvest.
Who's ever harvested Spam? But I go home for Christmas.
I go home to Devon.
It's a long way to go.
I got the sleeper train home last year.
Do not ever get the sleeper train, for Christmas or not for Christmas.
Should be called "the seven hours awake, absolutely livid" train.
If you haven't got a sleeper train, do not get it on your own.
I had to go and buy my ticket.
I queued up, was getting my ticket.
He said, "So it'll cost this much.
" This was the question.
He said, "Would you like to save £20 by sharing your compartment "with a stranger?" No.
No.
I would pay my life savings to avoid such a fate because the best-case scenario there is I'm asleep when he kills me.
You might say no-one's ever been killed on a train.
Have you SEEN Poirot? It's happening all the time.
That isn't a saving.
Yeah, what a bargain, and then why don't me and him share a bowl of spaghetti, like Lady and the Tramp? Oh, look, it's 30p for the toilet at King's Cross.
15p if we go back-to-back, isn't it? What are the selling points? Lockable doors.
That is of no use if he's already in there with me.
All I've got now is a cellmate.
Then when I got home, right, I had to sleep in my old room.
I had to sleep in a single bed.
Have you tried this, as an adult? Were they always that thin? How did we ever stay on the things? Sleep on a bed? I feel I'm lying on a fucking log.
Felt like I was working on my core strength.
"You been working out?" "No, just sleeping on a single bed.
I'm ripped.
" It's like eight hours of Pilates every night.
They said, "Well, we could push it next to the wall.
"Will that help?" No.
No, because then the best-case scenario is I roll over and hit a wall.
"Well, you slept in.
" Well, at 8:00am I turned over and knocked myself out.
Also, they don't need to make the duvet small as well.
It's the size of a flannel.
"Were you warm?" My KNEE was.
Just used it to preserve my modesty, like Adam and Eve.
I don't want to complain.
I don't.
You know, I've got a double bed.
I don't want to brag.
I have got a double bed.
A couple of people applauded.
It might not be.
It might be a queen size, it might be a king size.
No-one knows, do you? All you know is it's one bigger than the sheet you just bought.
Oh, but you'll try and fit it on the bed, won't you? Two hours.
No, I don't need all FOUR corners covered with a sheet, do I? I'll just go for three, and then the world's most powerful catapult in the middle of my bed.
3:00 in the morning, flung into the wall at 80mph.
The only tenser way to sleep is when you go to a hotel, and they've got the two single beds, but they've claimed it's a double.
They've just put a sheet over.
Oh, my God.
That's a tense night, isn't it? Lying on the edge of your bed, going, "Do not make a move "to the middle for fear of being swallowed by your own bed.
" Gone! But my parents, I went back for Christmas.
They put a single bed in.
I didn't have a single bed when I was a kid.
What I had was a thing called a cabin bed.
I don't know if you had one of these.
If you didn't have one of these, it's a great idea.
What it was, height of a bunk bed, but below it, instead of another bed, I had a desk.
Yeah.
Basically, my parents had made the executive decision that I was more likely to write a letter than have a friend.
Kids would come over.
"Can I stay over?" "No, but you can catch up on your admin.
" I don't know what seven-year-old needs quick access to a desk in the middle of the night.
Just wake up at 2:00 in the morning.
"I need to pen my memoirs! "I'll just climb down the most painful ladder in the world.
" Oh, my God, the pain of that bunk-bed ladder.
There was nothing like it, was there? "Do you want to go to bed?" No, I'd prefer to keep my feet.
It was like a Biblical punishment.
You shouldn't have to put your shoes on to go to bed.
My mum tried to convince me that the cabin bed was a good idea.
She said, "Oh, Josh, "you should be really pleased you've got a cabin bed.
"Actually, it's a very grown-up bed.
" Now, I'm a grown-up now.
That's not proved to be the case.
I've never seen I don't know if there's any single women here, but if you went back to a guy's house and things were going pretty well, and he said, "Do you want to come through to my bedroom? Put your shoes back on.
" You wouldn't go into his room and go, "Huh, he works hard AND he plays hard, doesn't he? "Got myself a mover and a shaker here, haven't I?" Quite literally, at that height.
You've been absolutely lovely, Noel at the Apollo.
Thank you very much.
My name is Josh Widdicombe.
Merry Christmas! Josh Widdicombe.
I love him.
We wish you a merry Christmas.
Can I talk to you again, please? So, listen, Charly.
I'm looking for someone to play the role of Santa.
OK.
Do you think you can do that? You're a bit slutty, but I think that's I think that's why I'm drawn to you, Charly.
So, Charly, what do you do? Freelance in fashion.
You're a freelance in fashion.
Excellent.
Yeah, that'll do for Santa.
That'll work.
So, Charly, could you join us on the stage? Can we give Charly a round of applause? Thank you so much.
There's some stairs there.
Yeah, there are some stairs.
Fantastic.
Freelance in fashion.
Yeah, excellent.
Oh, yeah, it does go with the outfit.
Yeah.
It always Thanks, Charly.
Ah, nice.
Wonderful.
OK.
Charly.
Very happy.
You're very happy? Very happy to play Santa.
So glad you chose me.
I think it very modern to have a lady Santa.
Yes.
Do you have outfit for me? Yes, there's an outfit in there.
Oh, fantastic.
May I go in? Yes, it's just her.
This thing.
Oh, wonderful.
I put it on.
I'm so interested in fashion, you know? Which leg goes in which trouser? So complicated, trousers, don't you find? Yes, they can be.
You don't know.
I mean.
You have these legs and they go in.
That's lovely.
Oh, there I am.
It's going to get very Christmassy.
Lovely.
Yeah, it's good.
Yeah? Yeah, it's very good.
Thank you, everybody.
That's wonderful.
So, Charly Woo! Let's get Christmassy.
Let's get Christmassy.
It's the end of the night.
It's the end of the night.
What are we holding back for? Santa needs a reindeer.
Santa needs a reindeer? Yes.
OK.
Do you want to choose your reindeer? Very much.
Let's go and have a look.
Let's choose a nice reindeer.
So, do you want male or female? I want male, please.
OK.
The one there in the second row.
This guy here with the scarf? Yes, he is very nice.
I'd like him to be my reindeer.
So, what's your name? Tell us, please, who you are.
Lewis.
Lewis.
Lew-is! Come be Santa's reindeer.
Thank you, Lewis.
Would you come and join us? And this guy.
Which guy? This guy here.
That one there? In the peach top.
What's your name? Chris.
Chris.
Chris and Lewis.
It almost makes a sound like Christmas.
Chris and Lewis, everybody.
Thank you.
Whilst I put these masks on Chris and Lewis, I'm going to give you this, and then you can squeeze it and you can still talk.
Is that OK? Yes! I understand.
You're Lewis.
Yeah.
Tell me, who are you? I'm Lewis.
You're Lewis.
That's great.
I do youth work.
You do youth work.
Excellent.
Of course.
Yeah, you're Lewis.
My ears are going to look terrible.
Your ears aren't going to look terrible.
Don't be worried about things like this.
Do my ears look all right? Yeah, they look all right.
I knew my ears were going to look terrible.
No, they don't.
They look fine, Lewis.
I'm Lewis! Yes, you are.
I'm Lewis, everyone.
They know that.
Hello.
Fantastic.
I'm Lewis.
I know that.
We know that is your name.
Yes, but does everyone know? Everybody does know.
I'm just Lewis.
OK.
Listen, I'm just going to put this on.
Yes, but I'm Lewis.
I know you are.
That's me.
Lewis.
OK.
And you're Chris? Yeah.
Chris, who are you? I'm a chef.
You're a chef? Yeah.
Are you French? No.
Oh.
I thought you sounded like it.
Maybe you will be now.
Your name is Chris.
I'm Chris.
OK.
Are you French? Currently, I am.
I love it! I am chef.
You are a chef.
Are you looking forward to cooking Christmas lunch? I love it.
You don't love it? I'm Lewis.
You're Lewis.
We know that.
I'm Lewis.
OK.
And over there.
We have Charly.
Are you OK? Yes, I'm OK.
OK, so now that you're good at that, do you want to take hold of Chris and Lewis? Because they are my reindeers.
Yes.
Reindeers, please, on all fours.
Get down.
Get down, Lewis.
Get down, Chris.
OK.
So you guys are the reindeers.
Yes.
You have a headband for them? Yes.
God, there's so much management going on.
So, um, could you squeeze Lewis so I can talk to him? Lewis? Yes.
I am Lewis.
Yes, we know that.
Chris? Yes.
You're French? I love it! OK.
Good.
OK.
You've got your reindeers, now.
Are you happy? Very happy.
Now, with Chris and Lewis, my two reindeers, we shall now fly off this stage.
Do you? Do you fly, guys? Yes.
OK.
Lewis, do you fly? Yes, I do.
It's my technique.
I flap.
You flap.
What's your technique, Chris? I go like a plane.
OK.
Beautiful.
Good reindeers you've got.
I choose always the best reindeers.
Santa knows best.
OK.
So, on the count of three, reindeers, we're going to fly off this stage.
OK, Lewis? Yes.
I sprinkle magic dust and we fly.
This way, guys.
This way, guys.
This way.
Oh, you bloody idiots.
Bloody idiot reindeer.
Don't be so mean to them.
No, they go the wrong way.
I can't train these bloody things.
This is ridiculous.
Come with me.
Come outside.
Outside.
Put your antlers back on, you bloody idiots.
Don't be so rude to them.
They need a hard, hard hand.
OK.
Come on, off this stage.
Come on, guys.
Fly! Fly, guys.
Fly.
Fly, guys.
Well done.
Fly.
This way.
Beautiful.
Well done.
Well done, Chris, Lewis and Charly.
Thank you to all the fantastic acts we had this evening.
We had Josh Widdicombe.
Tanyalee Davis.
And Hal Cruttenden.
Happy Christmas, everybody.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Happy Christmas! Thank you.
Hey! I'll just get my tiny monkey out of this massive bag.
Come on out, Monkey.
Hello, happy Christmas, everybody.
Here we are.
How long have I got? You can do it as long as you want, now I'm not wearing my vibrating watch.
Well, thank God for that.
Can I say hello to the audience? Yes, of course you can say hello.
Hello.
Hi.
How are you all doing? What's your name? Is it on your T-shirt? Is your name Charly? Yeah.
Charly.
Excellent.
Nice to meet you.
Are you guys friends or lovers? Please tell me lovers.
Do you know each other? Yeah, 22 years.
22 years? Have you had Christmas together, ever? Yeah, we think so.
You've done a Christmas together? What did you get each other? Couldn't possibly say it on telly.
You couldn't possibly say it? Oh, God.
It's pornographic.
I knew this Distasteful.
You couldn't say it? OK, we'll move on.
We'll move on.
Good luck with your lives.
You disgust me.
So sorry about that.
So, yeah, let's find someone else.
You, sir.
Hello, what's your name? Tim.
Tim.
Nice to meet you.
What do you do, Tim? I'm in finance.
You're in finance.
Oh, how thrilling.
How thrilling.
Did you know you'd be in finance as a child? It wasn't your first choice.
What did you want to be? A train driver.
A train driver? Oh, God love you, Tim.
Who are you here with tonight? A friend, Nick.
Your friend Nick.
Are you lovers? No? Well, not yet, anyway.
And so, Nick, how did you guys meet? Work.
At work.
And so, where do you work, you guys? An energy company.
An energy company.
And is it an ecologically sound energy company? It is.
It is? There's no blood on your hands? It's a small green one.
It's a small green energy company.
Congratulations.
No fracking whatsoever.
So, what did you get for Christmas last year? A BMX.
You got a BMX? At your age? Jesus Christ.
A BMX.
How amazing.
And what are you hoping to get this year? Um, some stabilisers.
Stabilisers! What are they? They go on a bike.
That's fantastic.
Tim, I love you.
Could you join us on the stage for a minute, please, Tim? Can we give Tim a round of applause? Come on up.
There are some stairs here for you, Tim.
Oh, Tim.
Hello.
Hello, I'm Nina.
And I'm a monkey stuck to her tit.
Nice to meet you, Tim.
Come on over here.
Because you're going to be Nina's next monkey.
It is painful, I assure you.
Thank you, Tim.
So, right.
I'll see you later, guys.
It's over to you now, Tim.
So, let's see, Tim.
In here, I've got a contraption.
So, if I put that on your face, do you want to hold that, while I just do the straps? Hold the face.
Oh, OK.
Hold the straps.
Oh, you look lovely, Tim.
How are you feeling? I'm feeling all right, actually, yeah.
A little uncertain.
A little uncertain? Yeah.
I'm not sure how to stand.
Well, you're standing all right.
I don't know.
Is it all right? It's beautiful.
OK.
Oh, it's lovely, isn't it, Christmas? You like it? Yeah.
Happy Christmas to you That's lovely.
Isn't that the birthday song? Yeah, I get confused, yeah.
So, Tim, you're hoping for some stabilisers? Yeah.
That bike is so difficult to ride.
So, do you go off-road on it? Yeah, try to.
And you hurt yourself? Frequently.
What have you hurt? Where are your injuries? I hurt my knee, my elbow Yeah? Yeah.
And where else? And my dick.
What? What did you say, sorry? My dick.
Your head? Yeah, can't you tell? Where were you cycling? How can I tell you, with you in charge? You could sort of maybe, I don't know, show me.
What, act it out? Yeah.
The whole landscape? Yeah.
All right.
Over there, there's some, like, waves.
Waves? Yeah, I was attempting to ride on water.
That's why I desperately need those stabilisers.
So, Tim, you work in finance? Yeah.
I work in finance.
In what realm? Energy.
A small, green energy company.
It wasn't my dream.
It wasn't your dream? No, no, it wasn't my dream.
I wanted to drive a train.
Choo-choo.
You may still.
You may still, one day.
Yeah, may still.
Can I just go choo-choo around the stage? Yeah, of course.
Follow me.
Get on the train.
You want me on the train? Yeah, get on.
Hop on board.
Where are we going? We're going to the North Pole.
OK.
Choo-choo! That's lovely, Tim.
Choo-choo! And back again.
We're going back? Yeah, South Pole now.
Ding-ding.
Choo-choo! That's beautiful, Tim.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I really hope you get the stabilisers for Christmas.
Thank you, and I hope one day I'll get to drive a train.
Yes, I hope so, too.
So, I'll sit down now.
OK.
And I'll leave in the manner of my dreams.
What's that? Like a train? Yeah.
Get on.
Choo-choo! Thanks, everyone.
Goodnight.
Choo-choo! All aboard! Beautiful, mate.
Well done.
Thank you so much.
Tim, everybody! OK, OK.
So, guys, it is, um It's time to welcome your first act of the evening.
My God, this woman is incredible.
You're going to love her.
Please welcome Tanyalee Davis, everybody.
Thank you.
That's right.
Some people carry a briefcase to work.
I carry a step-stool.
Hello! Merry Christmas.
Yeah? It's all right, I can still feel the tension in the room.
Some of you are a little shocked.
Don't feel sorry for me.
I get it all the time.
"Oh, look.
She's ginger.
" I feel like I need to educate people on how to interact with little people.
You know, there is a code of conduct.
It's kind of like dealing with Gremlins - which is my favourite Christmas movie.
I've actually come up with three major rules.
If you come across another little person, obviously, you've got to be respectful.
You've got to think of little people, like Gremlins.
Right? Rule number one, don't pat us on the head.
That's right.
It's beneath you people.
Rule number two, don't pick us up.
You know you want to, don't you, sir? Cos people think, "Oh, look, she's small.
"She's going to be light.
" Hell, no.
Look at the size of this ass! That is a solid booty, let me tell you.
And rule number three, no vodka after midnight cos we multiply.
Or we try.
Oh, I love this time of year.
I love shopping.
Oh, my gosh.
I totally love it.
I get very excited.
When I go to the shopping mall, I get really excited.
I start running for the doors.
Right? I'm going shopping.
I'm running for the doors.
Ooh.
They've got the automatic sensors on the doors, right? I'm jumping up and down.
"Come on! Let me in! "I got shit to do!" I've actually got to throw my handbag up in the air, just so I can get in the damn place.
But this is the time of year where I can go guilt-free shopping.
That's what I call it.
Cos I have the best intentions when I go Christmas shopping, but it always seems to be the time where I find the stuff I like for me.
Yeah! I found some stuff I liked the other day.
I go into the fitting room.
I close the fitting room door and where does the bottom of the door come to? Here.
There I am, got my big fat ass hanging out to all the customers.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
Love it.
Love it.
Fitting rooms are crazy.
I love interactions with people at the malls, right? I actually decided this year, I was going to queue up and go and sit on Santa's lap.
Oh, yeah! He was a bit shocked when I crawled up there on his lap, but I know he was thinking, "Ooh, check out the tits on the five-year-old".
I get the best reactions from kids, right, cos children are so honest - very upfront in their reaction.
You know, I had this kid come up to me one time.
He goes, "Ooh, what happened to you? Did you get to an accident?" I went, "Hell, no.
"I didn't eat my vegetables when I was your age, you little shit.
"Now, put me down".
I actually had the cutest experience recently.
This kid was shopping, I was out in the mall, and this kid, I could hear him, and he goes, "Daddy, look - it's one of Santa's helpers!" I know.
I thought that was so cute, until I saw his dad, who started really laughing and pointing, and I was like, "What a dickhead".
So, I walked up to the kid and I went, "Yeah, I'm one of Santa's helpers, and guess what? "He said you were a really good boy this year, "and you're going to get a brand-new PlayStation 4 with all the games".
Last Christmas, I got to perform in Las Vegas.
Have you been to Vegas? Yeah.
Actually, more specifically, I got to do a comedy show at a swingers' club.
Yeah.
Nothing says more "festive" than an adult sex club at Christmas.
Ho-ho-ho! You know, and I'm no prude.
You've got to do like the locals.
I ended up having sex with an eye doctor.
I didn't know he was an eye doctor.
Just in the middle of sex, he was like, "One finger or two? "Better or worse?" I'm just getting blurry I did learn a valuable lesson, though.
Never let your eye doctor cut up your cocaine.
The first line is always really big and every line after that just gets smaller and smaller.
By the way, for the record, I have never done panto.
People ask me that all the time and I'm like, in North America, we don't have that, right? So, of course, when I started coming over here, somebody said, "Oh, have you done panto?" which I thought was, you know, your quaint English way of asking if I'd done porn.
I'm like, "Yeah, he's behind you.
"Yes, he is".
It's all right now.
I'm in a relationship.
Been in a relationship for quite a few years.
Of course, people's first question is always, "Is he a little person?" I'm like, hell, no.
He's actually the shortest guy I've ever dated.
He's 5' 7".
Yeah, down-sized.
Don't worry, he's still nuts over me.
We live in a very small town in North Carolina.
Very conservative people, and of course, I love to freak people out.
So, Kevin and I were sitting on a park bench one day, you know, being all romantic, giving hugs and kisses, and some old man walked by and I saw him kind of look and I was, like, pushed Kevin away.
I was, like, "Daddy, stop it!" Of course, the old man looked mortified.
I was like, "Don't worry.
He kisses better than Uncle Mark".
We've been in a relationship for quite a few years, and you've got to keep the spice alive in a relationship.
So, this year, I treated myself to pole dancing lessons.
Oh, yeah.
Keep the spice alive.
Very popular nowadays.
A lot of women are getting involved.
A lot of celebrities.
Pamela Anderson got a pole installed in her bedroom.
I'm thinking, OK.
Got my lingerie on.
Trying to choreograph my moves.
I don't have a pole, you know, so I had to improvise.
I ended up using a cat scratch post.
Oh, yeah! Whoo! That's right.
That's it from me, you guys.
Thanks a lot.
I'm Tanyalee Davis.
Merry Christmas! Tanyalee Davis, everybody! Fantastic work.
OK.
So, we're ready for our second act of the evening, ladies and gentlemen? Are we excited? Personal favourite of ours.
Can we please give it up for Hal Cruttenden, everybody? Thank you very much.
Good.
Lovely to be here.
Merry Christmas.
Do you know what? I quite like working at Christmas.
I do.
I did panto a couple of years ago.
Oh, no, you didn't! I've never had that reaction before.
I seriously did.
Two years ago, I did panto, cos I got to the end of the year and I realised I still had a little bit of self-respect that needed getting rid of.
I was in Cinderella in Woking, OK? I was Dandini, Prince Charming's assistant.
Buttons was played by Mr Tumble - Justin Fletcher from CBeebies.
And we had a subplot throughout the show that Buttons and Dandini were long-lost brothers, because apparently, I look a little bit like Mr Tumble from CBeebies.
Really pleased about that, yeah.
The other one I get is Martin Roberts from Homes Under the Hammer.
Oh, my God! Loads of you! Loads of you don't have proper jobs.
But Christmas is lovely.
It's a hard time of year for a lot of people, isn't it? It's very hard for people who live alone and have no family to spend it with, and it's even worse for people who do have family and have to spend Christmas with them.
There should be Christmas appeals for those people, shouldn't there? If you're by yourself this Christmas, please spare a thought for Alan, who's being glared at by his father-in-law for eating too many roast potatoes.
When you're watching the Bond film this afternoon, Alan has to walk for six miles.
Traditional family Christmas ramble.
And when he gets back, he'll have to endure two hours of nonstop, soul-destroying charades, followed by ageing relatives talking about the good old days, before immigration and gay people.
You can help Alan by calling this number below.
It's Alan's number.
Pretend there's an emergency in the pub and only he can help.
I'm not nice, folks.
I'm not nice.
People think I'm a nice person.
I'm not nice.
I'm pushy and shallow.
We all are.
Look at our pictures on Facebook.
Our pictures are a complete lie.
No-one's photo is real, is it? Everyone's photo on Facebook is like this.
Do you realise, one day, someone's going to be using that photo to say, "That's your great-great-grandmother"? "Why is it taken from such a funny angle, Mummy?" "Well, in those days, "that was the way fat people tried to look thinner.
" I've got friends that are constantly trying to share every bit of pain on Facebook.
Do you have friends who put a post up, sharing their pain? They won't tell you what's happened, though, will they? "Today has been absolutely the worst day of my entire life.
" Their best friend comes in.
They need to show they're their best friend, so they'll go, "I know, babe.
You're an amazing person.
I'll be over this evening".
Next level of friend has the guts to say, "What happened, babe?" They get the answer, "I'll DM you".
The third level are people like me, just watching, going, "What the bloody hell's happened?" Anything to share their pain.
Someone put a thing up that was really quite an innocuous post.
All it said was, "What would you say if you could talk to yourself at 18?" And all my friends used this as an excuse to share how hard their life had been.
All my friends are like, "You're going to go through some "hard times, but you're an amazing person.
"You'll find a way through and you'll be brave and strong and amazing and grow.
" I got in trouble with my wife, because I wrote on it, "It's going to be horrible.
Kill yourself.
" One woman wrote a thing that was very simple, but very, very powerful.
"What would you say if you could talk to yourself at 18?" She simply wrote, "You are not ugly.
" Yeah.
We totally know her story there, don't we? We know what she's been through.
Probably bullied at school, rejected by partners as she's grown up.
She's probably been laughed at behind her back, and she's had to realise that other people's judgements aren't important.
It doesn't MATTER what other people think.
The only opinion that matters is YOURS, and she knows that she is beautiful.
But, I saw her pictures, and Jesus Christ And I realise that sometimes, sometimes on Facebook, on Twitter, whatever, you have to put something sad up there.
When someone's died, from the family, or a friend has died, you need to put that on Facebook to share the information.
There's people that don't know.
That's absolutely fine.
BUT the constant memorials to old, dead relatives are a little bit indulgent, folks.
Little bit indulgent.
"Six years ago, Gran, you left us.
"Always in my thoughts.
" It's a little bit indulgent.
And it gets competitive.
People go, "I know, I totally understand.
"I've lost all my grandparents.
Totally understand what you're going through.
" "I've lost my grandparents and my parents.
I totally understand.
" My mum died nearly two years ago.
On the anniversary of my mum's death, I am not going to go on Facebook and go, "Mum, you left us two years ago today.
"I know if you were still here, you'd be telling me "to stop using your death to get attention on Facebook.
" People say stupid things to you when your parents have died, don't they? They say things to me like, "Hey, they're always with you, you know.
"They're always with you.
" And I hear that and just think, "Oh, God, I hope not".
Because when I'm by myself I do some really disgusting things.
I can't bear the idea of my dead father appearing to me, going, "My son, I have returned.
"Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'll come back later.
" Oh! My dad was an amazing man.
My dad was very tough.
I can be tough.
I am brave, folks.
I am.
I know I don't seem it.
I'm brave about this job.
I've never run away from a gig.
I've done some really scary gigs.
I did a gig a few years ago to British troops who'd just returned from Afghanistan, and the commanding officer briefed me by saying, "These guys have been through hell.
"There's been death.
There's been injury.
"They've been shot at virtually every day.
Good luck.
" And I went out there, desperately trying to bond, going, "Hello, ahem, just like you, er, quite outdoorsy" "I love camping.
I do.
" And they were so lovely to me.
Front-line troops and they were so nice.
At the end, this guy came up to me and honestly said to me, "I could never do what you do.
" I said to him, "Jesus, just bloody grow a pair.
" Luckily he laughed.
He did.
But I am brave.
I'm brave when it's the right thing to be.
Yeah? I was on the last Tube train, actually this time last year.
Christmas-time last year.
You know what the Tubes in London are like at Christmas.
Quite festive.
Full of vomiting and fighting.
And I was in this carriage.
It was just me and this woman, 19 or 20.
She was sitting about four seats down from me.
It was just me and her in the carriage.
Two guys got on and decided to try and chat her up.
I don't know what men ever think it's a good idea to chat up a woman on the last train at night.
It's never going to work.
There are no women in the world going, "I thought I was always going to be alone, then he sat down opposite me, "burped and said, 'You're lovely', "and I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.
" They're trying to chat her up.
She's really tense.
It's really awkward.
So I give them a look, first of all.
A stern look, not a camp look.
It wasn't like No.
A stern look.
And they just brush it off.
And then one of them thinks it's funny to turn to his mate and say, "Looks like we're going to have to follow this girl home.
" Horrible.
Horrible for her.
Worse for me, cos I now have to step in.
I screwed up all my courage and I turned to this guy and I said, "Leave her alone.
" And this guy turned back to me and said, "Who the hell are you?" And that's when I lost it, folks.
That's when I saw red, because I thought "I've done some telly.
" I was hoping for a little bit of recognition.
So I saw red.
I went mad.
I cannot believe the next thing that came out of my mouth.
I turned back to this guy and I said I actually turned back to him and I honestly said to him, "You want to bother anybody on this train, bother me.
" In that voice.
If I say it in my usual voice, it sounds like a come-on, doesn't it? "You want to bother anybody on this train, bother me.
"I can take both of you.
" Sounds like an invitation to a threesome.
But it actually worked.
They gave me loads of verbal abuse.
They didn't touch me.
Gave me loads of abuse, went, "You're a wanker, mate.
A twat.
"We're just having a bit of a laugh.
Just having a bit of banter.
Bit of a joke.
" I said, "I don't think it's funny, and I think I know about comedy.
" Still didn't know who I was! Actually, as they got off, I think I heard one guy mutter to the other, "That Mr Tumble's got a bit of a temper.
" Thank you very much.
You've been lovely.
Have a lovely Christmas.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
He's so funny.
So great.
I love him.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of this evening? You're going to love him.
Please welcome Josh Widdicombe, everybody.
Josh Widdicombe.
Yes.
Merry Christmas.
Yes.
Merry Christmas! I'm very excited about Christmas.
I am, as you can see.
I I don't want to brag, but I'm nailing shopping at the moment.
I've got a new debit card.
Ooh! Yeah, yeah.
You're right to "whoo".
Yeah, one of the old, er, touchy-downy, er The old touch If you haven't got one of these, you haven't lived.
Oh, my Never do you feel so smug in your life than when they go, "How would you like to pay?" Just have, mate.
See you later.
Where am I off? The future.
Why don't you give me a call when you get there, Captain Chequebook? Thing is, you get used to the touchdown debit card.
You go somewhere that doesn't have that, you can't believe your ears.
"Do you want to just put in your PIN number?" Are you kidding me? You expect me to stand here for four seconds, pushing buttons? What is this? A Victorian workhouse? Well, I'm sorry, Pret a Manger.
No! The worst is when you think they've got the touchdown debit card, but they haven't.
You look like you've never used a debit card before in your life.
"How would you like to pay?" You're just going "Are you having a breakdown?" I hate it when THEY have the terminal.
They have to ask for your permission.
"Do you mind if I just touch?" Yeah, couldn't give a shit, mate.
I trust you that you're not going to go, "Do you mind if I just touch it down? £4,000! Unlucky, my friend.
"Enjoy your Twix.
" Christmas is good though, isn't it? As a kid, it's good.
As an adult, ruined.
It is.
It's not as good.
The first day you realise Christmas will never be the same again is the first time you're entered into office Secret Santa.
That's a depressing day, isn't it? Yeah, just pick a name out the hat and get them a present.
Maximum £10.
Oh, thank God you told me, because I was going to get Jean from HR a hovercraft.
Yeah, keep your eyes closed, Jean.
I hope I haven't overspent.
I'll just reverse it into the marina.
Just going to reverse it into the marina, and you can unpack it.
It was more exciting when you were a kid.
It was the only festival I looked forward to, really, cos at my school we only had that and harvest festival.
Yeah.
That's the reaction it should get.
I don't even know if I'm remembering this festival right.
Is this right? Once a year, at the time of the harvest, we bring in tins of food that we give to the local old people.
Basically we'd celebrate the harvest by giving old people food that was going to last longer than THEY did.
You shouldn't be in a race against time against a tin of plum tomatoes.
All these things that's never had anything to do with the harvest.
Who's ever harvested Spam? But I go home for Christmas.
I go home to Devon.
It's a long way to go.
I got the sleeper train home last year.
Do not ever get the sleeper train, for Christmas or not for Christmas.
Should be called "the seven hours awake, absolutely livid" train.
If you haven't got a sleeper train, do not get it on your own.
I had to go and buy my ticket.
I queued up, was getting my ticket.
He said, "So it'll cost this much.
" This was the question.
He said, "Would you like to save £20 by sharing your compartment "with a stranger?" No.
No.
I would pay my life savings to avoid such a fate because the best-case scenario there is I'm asleep when he kills me.
You might say no-one's ever been killed on a train.
Have you SEEN Poirot? It's happening all the time.
That isn't a saving.
Yeah, what a bargain, and then why don't me and him share a bowl of spaghetti, like Lady and the Tramp? Oh, look, it's 30p for the toilet at King's Cross.
15p if we go back-to-back, isn't it? What are the selling points? Lockable doors.
That is of no use if he's already in there with me.
All I've got now is a cellmate.
Then when I got home, right, I had to sleep in my old room.
I had to sleep in a single bed.
Have you tried this, as an adult? Were they always that thin? How did we ever stay on the things? Sleep on a bed? I feel I'm lying on a fucking log.
Felt like I was working on my core strength.
"You been working out?" "No, just sleeping on a single bed.
I'm ripped.
" It's like eight hours of Pilates every night.
They said, "Well, we could push it next to the wall.
"Will that help?" No.
No, because then the best-case scenario is I roll over and hit a wall.
"Well, you slept in.
" Well, at 8:00am I turned over and knocked myself out.
Also, they don't need to make the duvet small as well.
It's the size of a flannel.
"Were you warm?" My KNEE was.
Just used it to preserve my modesty, like Adam and Eve.
I don't want to complain.
I don't.
You know, I've got a double bed.
I don't want to brag.
I have got a double bed.
A couple of people applauded.
It might not be.
It might be a queen size, it might be a king size.
No-one knows, do you? All you know is it's one bigger than the sheet you just bought.
Oh, but you'll try and fit it on the bed, won't you? Two hours.
No, I don't need all FOUR corners covered with a sheet, do I? I'll just go for three, and then the world's most powerful catapult in the middle of my bed.
3:00 in the morning, flung into the wall at 80mph.
The only tenser way to sleep is when you go to a hotel, and they've got the two single beds, but they've claimed it's a double.
They've just put a sheet over.
Oh, my God.
That's a tense night, isn't it? Lying on the edge of your bed, going, "Do not make a move "to the middle for fear of being swallowed by your own bed.
" Gone! But my parents, I went back for Christmas.
They put a single bed in.
I didn't have a single bed when I was a kid.
What I had was a thing called a cabin bed.
I don't know if you had one of these.
If you didn't have one of these, it's a great idea.
What it was, height of a bunk bed, but below it, instead of another bed, I had a desk.
Yeah.
Basically, my parents had made the executive decision that I was more likely to write a letter than have a friend.
Kids would come over.
"Can I stay over?" "No, but you can catch up on your admin.
" I don't know what seven-year-old needs quick access to a desk in the middle of the night.
Just wake up at 2:00 in the morning.
"I need to pen my memoirs! "I'll just climb down the most painful ladder in the world.
" Oh, my God, the pain of that bunk-bed ladder.
There was nothing like it, was there? "Do you want to go to bed?" No, I'd prefer to keep my feet.
It was like a Biblical punishment.
You shouldn't have to put your shoes on to go to bed.
My mum tried to convince me that the cabin bed was a good idea.
She said, "Oh, Josh, "you should be really pleased you've got a cabin bed.
"Actually, it's a very grown-up bed.
" Now, I'm a grown-up now.
That's not proved to be the case.
I've never seen I don't know if there's any single women here, but if you went back to a guy's house and things were going pretty well, and he said, "Do you want to come through to my bedroom? Put your shoes back on.
" You wouldn't go into his room and go, "Huh, he works hard AND he plays hard, doesn't he? "Got myself a mover and a shaker here, haven't I?" Quite literally, at that height.
You've been absolutely lovely, Noel at the Apollo.
Thank you very much.
My name is Josh Widdicombe.
Merry Christmas! Josh Widdicombe.
I love him.
We wish you a merry Christmas.
Can I talk to you again, please? So, listen, Charly.
I'm looking for someone to play the role of Santa.
OK.
Do you think you can do that? You're a bit slutty, but I think that's I think that's why I'm drawn to you, Charly.
So, Charly, what do you do? Freelance in fashion.
You're a freelance in fashion.
Excellent.
Yeah, that'll do for Santa.
That'll work.
So, Charly, could you join us on the stage? Can we give Charly a round of applause? Thank you so much.
There's some stairs there.
Yeah, there are some stairs.
Fantastic.
Freelance in fashion.
Yeah, excellent.
Oh, yeah, it does go with the outfit.
Yeah.
It always Thanks, Charly.
Ah, nice.
Wonderful.
OK.
Charly.
Very happy.
You're very happy? Very happy to play Santa.
So glad you chose me.
I think it very modern to have a lady Santa.
Yes.
Do you have outfit for me? Yes, there's an outfit in there.
Oh, fantastic.
May I go in? Yes, it's just her.
This thing.
Oh, wonderful.
I put it on.
I'm so interested in fashion, you know? Which leg goes in which trouser? So complicated, trousers, don't you find? Yes, they can be.
You don't know.
I mean.
You have these legs and they go in.
That's lovely.
Oh, there I am.
It's going to get very Christmassy.
Lovely.
Yeah, it's good.
Yeah? Yeah, it's very good.
Thank you, everybody.
That's wonderful.
So, Charly Woo! Let's get Christmassy.
Let's get Christmassy.
It's the end of the night.
It's the end of the night.
What are we holding back for? Santa needs a reindeer.
Santa needs a reindeer? Yes.
OK.
Do you want to choose your reindeer? Very much.
Let's go and have a look.
Let's choose a nice reindeer.
So, do you want male or female? I want male, please.
OK.
The one there in the second row.
This guy here with the scarf? Yes, he is very nice.
I'd like him to be my reindeer.
So, what's your name? Tell us, please, who you are.
Lewis.
Lewis.
Lew-is! Come be Santa's reindeer.
Thank you, Lewis.
Would you come and join us? And this guy.
Which guy? This guy here.
That one there? In the peach top.
What's your name? Chris.
Chris.
Chris and Lewis.
It almost makes a sound like Christmas.
Chris and Lewis, everybody.
Thank you.
Whilst I put these masks on Chris and Lewis, I'm going to give you this, and then you can squeeze it and you can still talk.
Is that OK? Yes! I understand.
You're Lewis.
Yeah.
Tell me, who are you? I'm Lewis.
You're Lewis.
That's great.
I do youth work.
You do youth work.
Excellent.
Of course.
Yeah, you're Lewis.
My ears are going to look terrible.
Your ears aren't going to look terrible.
Don't be worried about things like this.
Do my ears look all right? Yeah, they look all right.
I knew my ears were going to look terrible.
No, they don't.
They look fine, Lewis.
I'm Lewis! Yes, you are.
I'm Lewis, everyone.
They know that.
Hello.
Fantastic.
I'm Lewis.
I know that.
We know that is your name.
Yes, but does everyone know? Everybody does know.
I'm just Lewis.
OK.
Listen, I'm just going to put this on.
Yes, but I'm Lewis.
I know you are.
That's me.
Lewis.
OK.
And you're Chris? Yeah.
Chris, who are you? I'm a chef.
You're a chef? Yeah.
Are you French? No.
Oh.
I thought you sounded like it.
Maybe you will be now.
Your name is Chris.
I'm Chris.
OK.
Are you French? Currently, I am.
I love it! I am chef.
You are a chef.
Are you looking forward to cooking Christmas lunch? I love it.
You don't love it? I'm Lewis.
You're Lewis.
We know that.
I'm Lewis.
OK.
And over there.
We have Charly.
Are you OK? Yes, I'm OK.
OK, so now that you're good at that, do you want to take hold of Chris and Lewis? Because they are my reindeers.
Yes.
Reindeers, please, on all fours.
Get down.
Get down, Lewis.
Get down, Chris.
OK.
So you guys are the reindeers.
Yes.
You have a headband for them? Yes.
God, there's so much management going on.
So, um, could you squeeze Lewis so I can talk to him? Lewis? Yes.
I am Lewis.
Yes, we know that.
Chris? Yes.
You're French? I love it! OK.
Good.
OK.
You've got your reindeers, now.
Are you happy? Very happy.
Now, with Chris and Lewis, my two reindeers, we shall now fly off this stage.
Do you? Do you fly, guys? Yes.
OK.
Lewis, do you fly? Yes, I do.
It's my technique.
I flap.
You flap.
What's your technique, Chris? I go like a plane.
OK.
Beautiful.
Good reindeers you've got.
I choose always the best reindeers.
Santa knows best.
OK.
So, on the count of three, reindeers, we're going to fly off this stage.
OK, Lewis? Yes.
I sprinkle magic dust and we fly.
This way, guys.
This way, guys.
This way.
Oh, you bloody idiots.
Bloody idiot reindeer.
Don't be so mean to them.
No, they go the wrong way.
I can't train these bloody things.
This is ridiculous.
Come with me.
Come outside.
Outside.
Put your antlers back on, you bloody idiots.
Don't be so rude to them.
They need a hard, hard hand.
OK.
Come on, off this stage.
Come on, guys.
Fly! Fly, guys.
Fly.
Fly, guys.
Well done.
Fly.
This way.
Beautiful.
Well done.
Well done, Chris, Lewis and Charly.
Thank you to all the fantastic acts we had this evening.
We had Josh Widdicombe.
Tanyalee Davis.
And Hal Cruttenden.
Happy Christmas, everybody.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.