Murphy Brown s11e07 Episode Script

1 And to close our show, some good news in Washington for a change.
In two weeks, our good friend and colleague of 30 years, Jim Dial, will be the recipient of the Lionel P.
Humboldt Lifetime Achievement Award for Excellence in Journalism.
Congratulations, Jim.
We are so proud of you.
So that's our show.
Let's end this broadcast before any breaking news harshes our mellow.
See you again tomorrow.
How great is this for Jim? And what an event it's going to be, even if we do have to pay for the table ourselves.
Jim's waiting for us over at Phil's.
Let's go.
Stop the presses.
The network always pays for the table.
This is cable news.
We're lucky we have you guys and not puppets.
We're all just going to have to chip in.
Well, would you look at this gorgeous set-up.
Oh, no.
Not you.
I have had a lot of rotten secretaries, but you were the worst.
No skills, loud, ate the tops off all the muffins.
You remember me! But that woman was the recently widowed Caprice Feldman.
Now I'm the recently widowed Caprice Morton.
As in Carl Morton.
Wait a minute.
Carl Morton? You mean the largest shareholder in this cable network? Yeah.
I've been widowed twice now.
First Victor, then Carl.
Both with huge, generous hearts, unfortunately covered in fat.
Yeah, both of them dropped dead like that.
No warning, no lingering, ah, which is just as well 'cause I'm no good at goodbyes.
Oh, God.
I think I know where this is going.
Bingo! I inherited all of Carl's stock.
I own you.
And you and you, and you guys up there, you guys up there in the nosebleed seats.
This isn't happening.
I have some fantastic ideas for livening up this brand.
We're gonna take boobs, booty, and banter all the way to the bank.
Brownie, I'm just getting started.
Look out, world, Caprice Feldman Morton is coming through! Hold that elevator! So, Murph, I guess for Jim's big night, it's gonna be you and me, as usual.
Oh, I'm sorry, Frank, I've decided to ask Avery.
He'd want to be there for Jim.
So, Corky I'm not going to be your sloppy seconds.
Besides, I've decided to go solo.
I'm a strong, independent woman.
What about you, Miles? Are you bringing Monica? No.
She was at my place and saw my A.
A.
R.
P.
magazine.
It was the kiss of death.
I guess I'll go stag.
That's the way things are now, growing old alone, no one to care for me, getting shorter and shorter until I turn into a little puff of lint on the floor of my pathetic room at the Jewish retirement center in Bethesda.
I need a big plate of fries.
Hey, Pat.
Those fries look good.
You know, you're always welcome to sit with us.
Not easy being the new guy, right? I remember what that's like.
Do you need to lick your fingers after each fry? Sorry.
You going to Jim's dinner? Probably not, right? All those famous people in one room could be a little intimidating.
Actually, I'm going to a Childish Gambino concert.
Ah, come on.
You don't have to make up names just 'cause you're going to be home alone.
We've got a table.
You can come as my guest.
- No, But I'm - It's black tie, so you'll need a tux.
I do, too.
Outgrew my old one.
We can go shopping, huh? Like two caballeros.
Hah! We ride! Hello, all! - Oh! - Hey! Now, now.
I said now.
Sorry I'm late.
Lawrence O'Donnell called to congratulate me this morning.
My God, the man can talk.
He went on and on.
I finally had to tell him my toast was on fire.
You better get used to getting compliments, Jim.
You're going to be hearing them a lot at the awards dinner.
I'll need some fortification for that.
Time to wet my whistle.
Excuse me.
Welcome back, big guy.
I understand congratulations are in order.
This awards thing sounds like it's gonna be a real shindig.
Indeed, I'm flattered.
But to be honest, I've never been a fan of awards ceremonies.
But my wife, Doris, oh, she used to love to get dressed up and go.
But now that she's no longer with us, I guess I'll have to face the evening on my own.
Oh, you don't have to be shy and hint around.
I'd love to go.
I smell something! I don't recognize it! It's not gym shoes.
It's not air freshener.
I'm making a beef bourguignon.
When did you learn how to cook? When I realized you couldn't.
I think I was 5.
Very funny.
Well, you know, your Uncle Jim is getting a lifetime achievement award.
I know.
I can't wait to be there.
It's so exciting.
Wolf Network bought us a table.
Your network paid for the table? Yeah.
Didn't yours? Son of a We can still go together, and you can sit at our table.
Uh, actually, Mom, I'm bringing a date.
A date? Well, why wasn't I told about this? - Oh, God.
Mom.
- Who is she? Where is she from? - Where did she go to school? - Mom.
- What does she do? - Mom! Look, I know you and I do a lot of stuff together, but don't you think it's time to maybe, you know, sort of branch out, let someone else be the plus one in your life? No! I'm not interested in dating anyone.
I enjoy being a solo act.
I like getting into the tub without some 180-pounder with a hairy back climbing in with me.
That is not romantic.
That is a slippery floor and a clogged drain.
And you're not missing some companionship? Maybe a little sex? What?! I can't believe you asked your mother that question.
Yeah, talking about sex was never exactly in your wheelhouse.
I had to learn about it from Eldin.
He took me to the National Zoo during mating season.
Let's just say when the Me Too movement hits the hippo community, there's going to be a lot of explaining to do.
Mom, you sure you're gonna be okay going to the awards dinner by yourself? Oh, please.
First of all, who says I'm going by myself? There are a lot of men I could choose from.
That's the last time I drive anywhere with you! I mean, you almost ran over that valet Parker.
Oh, Frank, I had to cut in.
You saw that line of cars.
It was moving slower than the line outside the women's room at the Kennedy Center.
I'm gonna go look for our table.
Oh, wow.
Corky, that is some dress.
It took a long time to find the perfect one.
And I really splurged.
You like it? Yes, and apparently, I'm not the only one.
I'm gonna go get a drink 'cause I want to avoid what's about to happen.
Hey, Corky.
Oh, no.
Katie.
Look at us.
Isn't this funny? Ha ha, yeah.
Just a big hoot! Hey, listen, when I found out that you got fired from "Wake Up, America," I really meant to call you.
Please don't blame yourself.
It takes a special kind of personality to make magic in the morning.
Hey, I heard you have a, what do you call it, podcast.
So smart.
At your age, best to have a platform where no one can see you.
Ladies, can we get a picture, please? I cannot wait 'til "Who Wore it Best?" Okay, so just remember, underneath it all, she's a very warm person.
But she can smell fear.
Hey, Mom.
I want to introduce you to my date.
This is Lauren McCoy.
Hello.
Nice to see you.
Forgive me if I'm a little tongue tied.
- I'm just I'm such a huge fan.
- Oh, thank you.
Lauren is an archivist at the Smithsonian.
She is the top of her class at Princeton, she spent a tour with the Peace Corps, and just finished two years studying at the Royal College of Art in London.
Well.
I'm leading with the résumé.
It's gonna save us a lot of time.
Very funny.
Lauren, it's very nice to meet you, and I look forward to getting to know you better.
And that is a good place to stop.
- Let's go to our table.
- What's your hurry? So, Lauren, who's your favorite Supreme Court justice? The Notorious RBG.
Citizens United? Overturn it.
Net Neutrality.
Essential.
Nice try, Mom.
Let's go.
Beatles or Stones? Well, there's no right answer to that one.
And that is the right answer.
I did not see that coming.
I-I don't know, Pat.
Are you sure this is the right look for me? Are you kidding me? You're crushing it.
It was time to take it up a notch.
You just got to own it.
You're right.
Why fall into that middle-aged trap? It's not a look, it's an attitude.
Ooh.
Here comes the network brass.
Hello, Silverberg.
Not many men can pull off a look like that.
- Thank you.
- I didn't say you were one of them.
Well, here we are.
In a room full of people who had to give up a Saturday night to listen to me give some long-winded speech.
I don't know about them, but I'm happy to be here.
Do I look alright? I haven't worn a dress since my christening.
You look lovely.
Let's get a drink.
What would you like? Two shots of tequila, and a bourbon rocks for him.
I realize, Phyllis, I don't know very much about you other than that you're Phil's sister.
I was the youngest of seven.
The only girl.
My mother, Phyllis, she just wanted one to name after herself, but she kept popping out boys.
We had Big Phil and Little Phil and Baby Phil and Fat Phil and Hey, buddy, you don't serve bourbon rocks in a highball glass.
Anyway, um, so, she finally had me.
And I guess I kind of became the black sheep of the family.
Well I, too, was the black sheep in my family.
Generations of men who wore suspenders, and then this rebel put on a belt.
Well, here's to you and, uh, keeping your pants up.
Look at that.
The Wolf Network is getting their salads before us.
Go to the bar and steal some garnish.
I'm gonna go forage.
Hi, Diana.
Having a good time? Why? You know, I have a sneaking suspicion that if you had a couple of drinks, there might be a whole new Diana who's the life of the party.
I'm drunk right now.
Well, Pat, looks like you met someone.
Uh, Jack.
I-I-I didn't know you'd be working this event.
This is Jack.
We We've gone out a few times.
"Gone out"? When you said you wanted to see someone older, I didn't think you meant Grandpa Dorothy here.
Oh! I get it! You're You're gay.
Well, good for you.
That's That's great.
Really.
How did you not know I was gay? No, of course I knew! What did you think, you gay knucklehead? Uh, actually, uh, Jack, I-I'm not gay.
I'm Pat's boss.
In that outfit? Right.
Well hello, Mr.
Dial.
Do you remember me? I'm sorry.
I think everyone should be able to make a living however they can, but I'm not interested.
Oh no, Mr.
Dial.
I'm CNC's largest shareholder.
And listen, you have to save me.
I thought tonight was going to be exciting, but all these news people are so dull.
It's like Yom Kippur in here.
Excuse me.
I was sitting there.
Yeah, you were.
Listen, girlie, I was a traffic cop in New York City, so I know when someone is parked where they shouldn't be.
Why? Has my meter expired? And the tow truck is coming.
Dear Lord, are you fighting over me? Please, please.
Keep your shirt on, girlie.
You can have your seat back.
But it's your loss, Mr.
Dial.
You could have had a lifetime achievement award and two "Golden Globes.
" Let's just brush that one off.
Nothing is gonna spoil my evening.
This is turning out to be quite a date.
Date? "Date," did you say? Is something wrong? No.
No, not not at all.
I-I just see someone that I That I need to say hello to.
Would Would you excuse me for a moment? Are you going to eat all those little meatballs yourself? Maybe.
I'll give you 10 bucks for one.
Cash only.
I don't take cards.
I'm Nate Campbell, by the way.
Judge Campbell, D.
C.
Circuit Court.
You issued the first court order supporting transgender people in the military.
Good work.
And you're Murphy Brown.
I remember when you covered a case of mine for "FYI.
" So, how are you? You can be general, specific, or just say, "I don't recall.
" Oh, I'm I'm pretty good.
I'm glad to be back at work after being on - the sidelines for a while.
- Ah, yes.
My children, they're after me to retire, but what would I do? Sit around all day in my robe? I do that now at work.
It's a nice evening for Jim, isn't it? Yes.
Although to be honest, I'm not much for these fancy events.
I'd much rather be at home with a good documentary and a bottle of wine.
Substitute hot chocolate for bottle of wine and you just described my perfect evening.
Hmm.
Murphy, may I speak with you for a moment? Congratulations, Jim.
A well-deserved honor.
Thanks, Nate.
Murphy, a word.
Yeah, I'll just be a minute.
I really need to speak with you.
I-I-I should head back to my table.
Oh, um have my card.
Maybe we could get together sometime.
I'd love to buy you a cup of coffee.
Um, well, I Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm overstepping.
It was very nice talking with you.
Jim.
I'm sorry, Jim.
What is it? Murphy, it appears that Phyllis thinks we're on a date.
Well, you are, aren't you? No! Is this about Doris? Because I know she'd want you to go on with your life.
It just doesn't seem right to celebrate my career without her.
Here I am on this important night with another woman.
Well, Jim, you can't just close the book on your life.
Think about that memoir you talked about writing.
This gives you a chance to write a whole new chapter.
I-I don't know, Murphy.
It just Will everyone please take their seats? The program is about to begin.
It is my privilege now to introduce tonight's honoree.
Ladies and gentlemen, the recipient of the Lionel P.
Humboldt Lifetime Achievement Award, Mr.
Jim Dial.
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you.
I had prepared tonight a speech on the First Amendment, but I think I'd like to strike a more personal note and express gratitude to all the people I've met along the way who have helped me in my career and who have become family Like those who are sitting right here.
Often, it's not the big things you remember in life Although I certainly will remember this one But it's the moments.
Stories from the road, a great meal shared, and something waiting for you around the corner when you least expect it.
I see many of you out there who make up the next generation of reporters.
And I say to you, when you're chasing the next big story, don't forget to treasure the moments.
They will carry you through the roughest of times, and they will make up the best chapters in your life as they have mine so far.
How lucky am I to be reminded that I still have open seas before me, full of possibilities to explore? Thank you very much.
That was a beautiful speech, Jim.
I'm so glad you brought me here tonight.
I had a wonderful time.
I did, too.
It was a lovely date.
Hey.
Headed home to unstrap yourself from whatever apparatus you used to get into that thing? Yeah.
As a matter of fact, I am.
Ugh.
You wanna meet for a burger afterwards? If we unzip each other, we could go right now.
Deal.
A widower, you say? Well, Mr.
Lionel P.
Humboldt, it's never too late to find love.
And I could be the wind beneath your wheelchair.
What a night, am I right? Food was actually pretty good.
Who knew you could find a band like that in D.
C.
? You two were able to reconnect.
You guys want any music or anything? I do.
The first time I've had a woman in my old room since never.
I think we pulled it off.
Smuggling me upstairs added a certain something to the evening.
Thanks for letting me sleep in your Harry Potter T-shirt.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Sorry.
My mother's got ears like a fruit bat.
Home free.
Oh, God! I-I was just getting the paper.
I was just saying goodbye to Lauren.
I was just wanting to fall into a hole.
Uh-huh.
Well, could this possibly get more awkward? So, what's for breakfast? I'm starved! Well, I guess it can.
Who's that guy? A man.
A man I met last night.
You slept with a man on the first date? Technically, it wasn't a date.
We just met.
Who is he? Look, Avery, just because we live together, that doesn't give you the right to give the third degree to someone I might bring home from time to time.
From time to time? Are you using protection? Avery, my uterus is in the Museum of Natural History.
Point of order, this is your mother's roof that you're living under.
Alright, that's very judgmental.
I'm a judge.
Is it just me, or is this a little weird? Yeah, no, it's a little weird.
Oh, come on.
We're all adults here.
So, who's hungry? I've got half a yogurt and a purse full of mini meatballs.
Ooh! Uh, yeah, we'll be right there.