BBC Play of the Month (1965) s11e08 Episode Script

1 (BRIAN WHISTLING) Morning, Babe.
(SNIFFS) "She has ideas above her station.
" -What's that? -How would you say that in French? -What? -" She has ideas above her station.
" She has ideas above her station? She has ideas -Marianne? -Oui, monsieur.
(BRIAN AND MARIANNE SPEAKING FRENCH) I'm getting pretty hot at this stuff, don't you think? You know, nowadays, it's quite an effort for me to go back to English.
Well, if you're so hot, you'd better tell me how to say "She has ideas above her station.
" Oh, yes, I forgot.
Well, it's fairly easy, old boy.
You can't do it like that.
You can't say (SPEAKING FRENCH) It isn't that sort of station.
-Don't ask me.
-I thought you were so hot at French.
Well, as a matter of fact, that isn't strictly the truth.
Now, if a Frenchman asked me where the pen of his aunt was, chances are I could give him a pretty snappy comeback, tell him it was in the pocket of gardener.
Yes, doesn't help me much, though, does it? Sorry, old boy.
Well, I suppose I'd better just do it literally.
Maingot'll throw a fit.
That doesn't worry you, does it? Well, you're not going out into the Diplomatic.
He doesn't really get worked up about you.
I don't know about that.
The whole of his beard came off yesterday when I was having my lesson.
No, but he doesn't really mind.
You know, its absolute physical agony to him when I do something wrong.
He knows as well as I do I haven't got one chance in a thousand of getting in.
Don't say that, old boy.
You're breaking my heart.
Yes, but it's true.
Well, as a matter of fact, Alan told me that you had a pretty good chance.
Did he really? And he ought to know, oughtn't he? Isn't he Maingot's red-hot tip for the Diplomatic Stakes? If he was keener about getting in, he'd walk it.
Well, he will anyway, I should think.
I think I'll make a book on the result this year.
I'll lay evens on Alan.
A class colt with a nice free action.
Will win if he can get the distance.
What about me? I'll lay you threes about yourself.
Threes? Ha.
More like twenties.
Oh, I don't know.
Nice looking colt.
Good stayer.
Bit of a dog from the starting gate, perhaps.
Well, say seven to two, then.
Ah, morning, Alan.
We were just talking about you.
Morning, Brian.
Morning, Babe.
Not one blood-stained letter.
What were you saying about me? I'm making a book on the Diplomatic Stakes.
I'm laying evens about you.
Well, that's not very generous.
(CHUCKLING) Hell, you're the favourite! What about the startling rumour the favourite may be scratched? Why, have they accepted your novel? Do I look as if they've accepted my novel? Don't know how you do look when they accept your novels.
Well, I hope, my dear Brian, that one day you'll have the chance of finding out.
But what's all this about your scratching, then? Probably just to give you a better chance, ducky.
You're not serious about it, though, old boy? -Probably not.
-Alan, you must be mad.
Well, even if you do want to write you could still do it in the Diplomatic.
Honestly, it seems quite crazy You're giving a tolerably good imitation of my father.
Pass the sugar.
What does His Excellency have to say about the matter, by the way? Sugar, half-wit.
Oh.
His Excellency says he doesn't mind my choosing my own career one bit, providing always it's the one that he's chosen for me.
Broad-minded, eh? That's right.
Always sees two sides to every question, his own, which is the right one and everybody else's , which is the wrong one.
But seriously, Alan, you can't really Stop it, child, for God's sake, I didn't say I was going to scratch.
Well, you said you were thinking about it.
Well, you know I'm always thinking about it.
I very rarely think about anything else.
But I won't do it, so don't worry your dear little head about it.
Ah, mes oeufs, as I live.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Ah, well -She's talking to you, old boy.
-(CHUCKLING) (SPEAKING FLUENT FRENCH) Bien, monsieur.
-Bien.
-Bien, monsieur.
What did she want? Wanted to know if the Commander took eggs with his breakfast.
Oh, I meant to ask you.
Did you see him when he arrived last night? Yes.
I went to the station with Maingot to meet him.
-What's he like? -Very naval commander.
Oh, yes, old boy, but what's that? Well, you know, carries with him the salty tang of the sea wherever he goes.
Pity he's carried it here.
Paucot-sur-Mer could do without any more salty tang than it's got at the moment.
Has he a rolling gait? Well, he was sober when he arrived.
No, no, no, old boy.
Drunk or sober, all sailors have a rolling gait.
Bonjour.
Bonjour.
Bonjour.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) -Seriously, though, what's he like? -Pretty hellish, I thought.
-Po-faced, I suppose? -Mmm-hmm.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça, " po-faced" ? (REPLYING IN FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) Est-ce que vous connaissez un Lord Heybrook? -Non, monsieur.
-Ah? (SPEAKING FRENCH) -Do you know him? -Lord Heybrook? No, old boy.
As matter of fact, I did know a peer once.
But he died.
What about this Lord Heybrook, anyway? -Coming here on the 15th.
-Français, monsieur! (MAINGOT GRUNTING) (RANTING IN FRENCH) -Soûl? -Drunk.
Oh.
Non, monsieur.
(SPEAKING BROKEN FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) Bonjour, Monsieur le Commandant.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Monsieur Curtis.
Monsieur Commander Rogers.
Monsieur Lake.
Monsieur Commander Rogers.
-Monsieur Howard vous connaissez déjà.
-Bonjour.
-Yes, we met last night.
-Hmm.
Shall I sit here? That's Kit Neilan's place, as a matter of fact.
I think this is your place.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Thanks.
I've been told to ask you if you'd like eggs with your breakfast Oui, monsieur! Mais voulez-vous parler français, s'il vous plaît! I'm afraid I don't speak your lingo at all, you know.
Lingo? (CONTINUES SPEAKING FRENCH) You must try.
Oui.
No.
-What? -Pardon? Oui.
Je ne -want any eggs.
-Right.
I'll tell Marianne.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Did you have a good crossing, sir? Pretty bad, as a matter of fact.
Still, that didn't worry me.
-BRIAN: You're a good sailor? -(CHUCKLING) Of course, you would be.
I mean you are, aren't you? Hah! Damn silly, old boy.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Oh.
Moi, monsieur.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Poor Babe.
He's going to be slaughtered.
Really? Why? (SPEAKING FRENCH) Well, what does that mean? Well, it doesn't mean, "She has ideas above her station.
" The professor's pretty strict, I suppose.
-Where work is concerned, he's a sadist.
-I'm glad to hear it.
I want to learn as much French as I can and I'm starting from scratch, you know.
Are you learning it for any special reason, then? Yes, Interpretership exam, seven months' time.
If you stay here for seven months you'll either be dead or a Frenchman.
How long have you been here? On and off for about a year.
But then I have a way of preserving my nationality.
I wear a special charm.
Are you very pro-German, then? Oh, he only wears that coat to annoy Maingot.
I see.
What do you wear in Germany? A beret, usually.
Sabots are too uncomfortable.
(MAINGOT SHOUTING IN FRENCH) Poor Babe.
But he had it coming to him.
The Babe was having the horrors this morning before you came down.
He said he hadn't got one chance in a thousand of getting in.
-He hasn't .
-Of getting in what? The Diplomatic.
Oh, you're all budding diplomats, I suppose.
All except me.
I'm learning French for, uh, commercial reasons.
He knows a lot already.
He can say " How much?" in French.
And you know how valuable that phrase is in the world of, uh, commerce.
And that's not all, old boy.
I can say, " 50 francs? Do you think I'm made of money?" (REPEATING PHRASE IN FRENCH) -Po-faced.
-Yes.
Who else is staying here at the moment? Well, there's only Kit Neilan, I think, you haven't met.
-Is he going into the Diplomatic, too? -Yes.
By the way, Brian, what odds did you lay against Kit in your book? I didn't .
But I should think five to two against would about make the case.
Oh, I don't know.
Odds must have lengthened considerably these last few weeks.
Why? Oh, you mean Diana? I say, old boy, I hadn't thought of that.
You don't suppose there's a chance of a well-fancied colt being withdrawn before the big contest? Oh, no, she won't marry him.
That is, not until she's exhausted other possibilities.
Um, who is this girl? Diana? She's Babe's , er, Kenneth Lake's sister.
She's staying here.
Is she learning French, too? No, she just stops us from learning it.
No, she's staying here because her people live in India and she has nowhere else to go.
It must be rather dull for her here.
That girl wouldn't find it dull on a desert island.
Unless it was deserted.
True.
But one feels somehow it wouldn't be deserted for very long if she were on it.
-What do you mean by that? -I've no idea.
She's a nice girl.
You'll love her.
At least, it won't be her fault if you don't .
I don't think I quite understand you.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I was forgetting.
You're of an age to take care of yourself.
There is no need to call me " sir" , you know.
What you're implying is that this girl is, er, rather fast.
I'm not implying it, I'm saying it.
That girl is the fastest worker you're ever likely to see.
Oh.
What he means is she's just full of joie de vivre and all that.
She's all right, really, just likes company.
A battalion, you mean.
You sound embittered.
Embittered? Oh, no.
Oh, dear me, no.
Both Brian and I, for reasons that I won't go into now, are immune.
I just thought it as well to warn you before you met her that Diana Lake, though a dear girl in many ways, is slightly unreliable in her emotional life.
You mean she isn't in love with this chap, Kit what's -his-name, who wants to marry her? Well, the only reason I have for supposing she isn't is she says she is.
But that's good enough for me.
Well, Maingot's simple French phrases are calling me.
Ah, yes, Maingot's phrasebook.
He's given me that to do, too.
Oh, good.
Well then, very soon now you'll be able to walk into a chemist shop and say in faultless French, "Please, sir.
I wish a toothpaste with a slightly stronger scent.
" Oh, really? Then think how nice it will be if you're in a railway carriage and you're able to inform a fellow traveller that the guard has just waved a red flag to signify the locomotive has run off the line.
Sounds a bit out of date, I must say.
Maingot's grandfather wrote it, I believe.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) Ah, I have a nasty feeling that's Chi-Chi.
Who's Chi-Chi? Well, that's not her real name.
MAINGOT: Monsieur Howard! (MAINGOT SPEAKING FRENCH) Allo? Oui.
Attendez.
Me? Oh, hell! Hello? Chi-Chi! Comment ça va? Comment allez-vous? Quoi? What? Wait a minute, old girl.
Alan, take it for me, will you? I can't hear a word she's saying.
Allo? (SPEAKING FRENCH) She wants to know if you'll meet her tonight at the casino.
Wants you to meet her sister.
Ask her if it's the one I met last Tuesday.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) She says it's a different one.
Tell her it's okay, I'll be there.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) I told that damn woman not to ring me here.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Now what's bitten him? Une fille doesn't mean a girl, Brian.
Really? It says so in my dictionary.
What does it mean, then? -A tart.
-Oh.
Well, I hate to have to say it, old boy, but having a strict regard for the truth, that's a fairly neat little description of Chi-Chi.
See you two at lunch.
(BRIAN WHISTLING) There in a nutshell you have the reason for Brian's immunity to the charms of Diana Lake.
-Really? -Yes.
This place'll be rather a change for you after your boat, won't it? You mean my ship, don't you? -Oh, is there a difference? -There is.
Of course.
It's a grave social error to say " boat" for " ship" , isn't it? Rather like mentioning a lady's name before the royal toast.
Or talking about Harrow College.
-Yes, that would be very wrong.
-Yes.
Oh.
Good morning.
Good morning, Diana.
I don't think you've met Commander Rogers.
-How do you do? -How do you do? I didn't know you'd , uh You must have arrived last night, I suppose.
Well, don't you remember? You asked me what train he was coming by.
-How are you this morning, Alan? -Very well, thank you.
-Bet you didn't go in the water.
-Yes, I did.
-Right in? -Yes, right in.
Ask Kit.
Kit? You don't mean to say that you got Kit to go bathing with you? Yes, I did.
He's fetching my towel.
I left it behind.
-God! You women.
-What? Without the slightest qualm and just to gratify a passing whim, you force a high-souled young man to shatter one of his most sacred principles.
What principle is that, if I might ask? Oh, never, under any circumstances, do anything hearty.
Personally, I rather enjoy an early morning dip.
An early morning dip? Yes.
That's hearty, I suppose.
Well I quite agree with you, Commander Rogers.
I don't think there's anything nicer than a swim before breakfast.
You would like anything that gave you a chance to come down to breakfast -in a bathing dress.
-And does it shock you, Alan? Unutterably.
Oh, well, I'll go and dress, then.
Oh, no.
No point in that.
You've made one successful entrance, don't spoil it by making another.
I don't think I quite understand you.
-Thank you.
-Diana does.
Don't you, angel? Has another publisher refused your novel, darling? -Morning.
-Well, well, well.
Well, why not? I don't think you've met Commander Rogers.
Oh, how do you do? Heard you were coming.
-Did Diana go in the water? -No.
Kit, you dirty liar.
I've done enough for you already this morning.
I'm not going to perjure myself as well.
I had hoped you wouldn't be here, Alan, to witness my shame.
You of all people.
An early morning dipper.
Oh, put it like that, you make it sound worse than it is.
Say a 9:00 bather.
Mere toying with words won't hide the truth.
Do you know, I think that girl could make a go on a bicycle tour of the Pyrenees if she set her mind to it.
She could, you know, Alan.
That's the awful thing.
Ah.
I once went on a bicycle tour of the Pyrenees.
Really? Oh, hell, this coffee's cold.
Marianne! (SLIGHT FRENCH ACCENT) Marianne's upstairs.
Do you want anything? Oh, hello, Jaq.
-Morning, darling.
-Oh, how do you do, Commander Rogers? -I'm so glad you could come to us.
-How do you do? I hope you found everything you want.
Yes, I did, thank you.
Did Marianne ask you if you wanted eggs for breakfast? -Oh, I don't want any, thanks.
-I see.
Well, don't worry about asking for anything you need.
Oh, by the way, do you drink beer with your meals or do you prefer wine? Oh, beer, please, yes.
Nothing like a can of beer.
No.
I suppose there isn't .
What were you shouting about, by the way? Oh, Jaq, darling, the coffee's cold.
Well, of course it's cold.
You're half an hour late for breakfast.
-Yes, but -You can't have any more because Marianne's doing the rooms.
I thought perhaps, Jaq darling, knowing how much you love me, you might be an angel and do something about it? Certainly not.
It's against all the rules of the house.
Besides, you'd better go and get dressed.
I'm giving you a lesson in five minutes.
In the near future, when I'm Minister of Foreign Affairs, this incident will play a large part in my decision to declare war on France.
Oh! This is the last time I'm going to do this for you.
You see what a superb diplomat I should make? In rather the Palmerston tradition, wasn't it? Was that Maingot's daughter? -Yes.
Her name's Jacqueline.
-Jacqueline? Oh, I see.
That's why you call her Jaq.
Yes, that's why we call her Jaq.
-She speaks English very well.
-She's been in England half her life.
She's going to be an English schoolmarm.
You'll like her.
She's amusing.
-I still feel wet.
-You've got such lovely hair, darling.
That's why it takes so long to dry.
You know, Alan, this is a nice girl.
Yes, she's nice.
She's good, too.
Well, I must go upstairs.
I want to get my room ship-shape.
-And above board.
-Yes, and above board.
Any objections? Oh, no, no, no.
No objection at all.
Make it as above board as you like.
Thank you very much.
I'm most obliged.
I don't think he likes me.
Who does? I'm the only one who can stand you and then only in small doses.
Well, Kenneth adores you, anyway.
He's quite silly the way he tries to imitate you.
Your brother shows remarkable acumen sometimes.
Then, of course, I adore you, too, but you know that.
Hey! Not going to have you adoring anybody except me, do you understand? Darling, you're not jealous of Alan, are you? I'm jealous of anyone you even look at.
All right.
In future I won't look at anyone except you.
-That's a promise? -That's a promise.
(ALAN WHISTLING) -Darling, you are cold.
-Oh, yes, I know.
I think I'll go up and dress and not wait for coffee.
You've probably given me pneumonia but I don't mind.
You could tear me up in little pieces and trample on them and I'd still love you.
Ah.
Sweet little thing.
Now, take these things upstairs, darling, would you? That's no reason why you should, you know.
Should what? Tear him up in little pieces and trample on them.
So you're not going to look at anyone except Kit? This doesn't mean I'm falling for you.
-Doesn't it, Alan? -No, it doesn't .
I am disappointed! -What do you think of the Commander? -I think he's quite nice.
Yes.
Yes.
And I want to tell you, it's no good starting anything with him, you know.
-Oh, don't be silly, Alan.
-No, darling.
It really isn't .
Because you see, I've warned him against you.
You've warned him? What did you say? Well, I told him what you are.
Well, this rather is a new role for you, isn't it? Playing wet nurse to the Navy? -Don't you think it suits me? -No, darling.
I'm afraid I don't .
What are you doing it for? Well, it's not because I'm fond of the Commander.
As a matter of fact, it'd rather amuse me to see you play hell with the Commander.
But I do like Kit.
That's why.
-So, no hanky-panky with the Navy or -Or what? Or I shall have to be rather beastly to you, darling, and you know you wouldn't like that.
Oh, you don't understand me at all, Alan.
I understand every little bit of you, Diana, through and through.
Well, I've got to go and finish something for Maingot.
See you lunchtime.
-Alan.
-Yes? What do you mean by hanky-panky? I should tell you? -Oh.
Thank you so much.
-Where's Kit? He's gone up to dress.
He felt cold.
Huh! Isn't that like him? Well, you can tell him from me I'm not going to make him any more coffee, however loud he screams.
Yes, I'll tell him and I think you're quite right.
-Hello.
-Oh, hello, Commander Rogers.
Looking for something? Yes, Maingot's phrasebook, as a matter of fact.
Ah! Here it is.
-No, it isn't .
-Let me help you.
-I think I know where it is.
-That's very kind of you.
-Here.
-Thank you.
I'm most grateful.
Well, what are your first impressions of Monsieur Maingot's establishment? Oh, I think it will be rather cheery here.
-I'm sure you'll love it.
-Yes, I'm sure I will.
The boys are so nice, don't you think? Er, yes, well, some of them.
I suppose you find Alan a bit startling, don't you? -Alan? -The one with the German coat.
Oh, yes, yes.
He is a bit startling.
-I'd better be running along.
-Why? You've got your room pretty well ship-shape by now, haven't you? -Yes, I have, thank you.
-Oh, well, don't go for a bit.
Stay and talk to me while I have my coffee.
-Have you got a cigarette? -Yes, I have.
Thanks.
I was saying about Alan -Match? -Thanks.
What was I saying? -About Alan.
-Oh, yes.
About Alan.
He's really very nice but you mustn't take everything he says seriously.
No, I won't , of course.
He is just the tiniest bit, you know, unbalanced.
-Oh, really? -I thought it as well to warn you.
-Yes, thanks.
-Otherwise it might lead to trouble.
-Yes, it might.
-Mmm.
Poor Alan.
-Afraid he's got it very badly.
-Er, got what? Well, I shouldn't say it but -Oh? -I'm awfully sorry for him, of course.
Of course.
It's so funny, because from the way he behaves to me and the things he says about me, I mean, you'd think he hated me, wouldn't you? Yes, you would.
Doesn't he? No! Oh, no, far from it.
Oh, I see.
You mean he's rather keen on you? Well, I mustn't give him away.
It wouldn't be fair.
But if he ever talks to you about me, as he probably will, and tries to give you the impression that I'm a scheming wrecker of men's lives, well, would you needn't necessarily believe him.
No, I won't , of course.
But I don't see why he should, you know.
Well, you see, Commander Rogers Ooh, I like Alan.
But I don't like him as much as perhaps he wants me to, and I suppose that makes him feel rather embittered.
I see.
Well, don't let's talk any more about it 'cause it's not a very pleasant subject.
Tell me about yourself.
Tell me about the Navy.
I'm always thrilled to death by anything to do with the sea.
Oh, really? That's splendid.
Must be a wonderful life.
Yes, it is a pretty good life, on the whole.
Marvellously interesting, I should think.
Well, pretty interesting, yes.
I bet you've had any amount of wildly exciting experiences.
Oh, well, you know, things have a way of happening in the Navy.
Yes, I'm sure they have.
You naval people never talk about yourselves, do you? Ah, well, you know, silent service and all that.
Yes, I know.
Oh, but I do hope you're not going to be too silent with me because honestly, I'm so terribly interested.
Well, I'll try not to be too silent, then.
(CHUCKLES) What are you doing this morning? Oh, nothing special.
Why? How would you like to have a look round the town? -Hasn't Kit come down yet? -I'd love to.
Good! Well, I'll go and get dressed and we'll go for a little stroll.
-But isn't it rather a bore for you? -Oh, no, of course not.
I'd love it.
-Diana.
-Yes? If you're going past Kit's room, you might give him this.
Right.
Right, I will.
Are you sure I'm not dragging you away from your work or anything? No, not at all.
Maingot hasn't given me anything to do yet.
Oh, good.
Well, I'll go and get dressed, then.
I'll see you down here in about a quarter of an hour? Right.
Going for a little constitutional, Commander? Yes.
Well, you've a nice day for it.
(SINGING IN GERMAN) Lovely song, The Lorelei, don't you think? -It could be.
-True.
A stupid fable, anyway.
I ask you, what sailor would be lured to his doom after he'd been warned of the danger? If you think that's funny, I don't .
Oh, Commander Rogers, Maingot wants to see you a moment.
Thank you.
Well, Babe, I suppose you were murdered by the old man.
Yes.
More so than usual this morning.
Babe, I don't like your sister.
Oh, don't you? I thought you did like her.
Rather a lot.
-Morning, Kenneth.
-Morning, mademoiselle.
-Had your lesson? -Yes.
I've got to do the whole damn thing again.
I wish to God I had your brains, Alan.
Kit is a monster.
He's never been on time for his lesson yet.
What have you done to your hair, Jaq? Do you like it? No.
It's a mistake.
You won't beat her by copying the way she does her hair.
He'll like it, Alan, I'm sure he will.
-" He" won't notice it.
-He will, you'll see.
-I'll bet you 50 francs he doesn't .
-All right, that's a bet.
Oh, go and change it while there's still time, Jaq.
-Make it look hideous like it used to.
-No.
Poor Jaq.
I must find you someone else to fall in love with.
So long as you don't tell him that I adore him, I don't mind what you do.
Anyone less half-witted than Kit would have seen it years ago.
Do you think if Diana were out of the way I might stand a chance? You're not thinking of putting her out of the way, are you? Well, honestly, Alan, I wouldn't mind if she made him happy.
But she doesn't .
She seems to enjoy making him miserable.
And now that the Commander's here, it's going to be much worse.
You know what I mean, don't you? Mmm.
I have an idea.
Well, can't we do anything about it, Alan? Yes, go and change that hair, Jaq.
It's your only chance.
Jaq, I have something to tell you.
Go away please, Alan.
-This is confidential.
-What is it, Kit? -I haven't done that work you set me.
-Oh, Kit, why not? Well, I took Diana to the casino last night -Kit, really! -But as a great treat, I'll translate you some La Bruyère this morning.
So, come on.
I set you that work specially because I thought it would interest you.
And anyway, you can't afford to slack off now before your exam.
Now, you sit down and open your nice La Bruyère and be quiet.
(SIGHING) Comfortable? Page 108.
Listen, Alan.
You can learn a lot by hearing French beautifully translated.
Oh.
Chapter 4.
Of the Heart.
-Of love.
-Of love, then.
"There is a fragrance in pure love" "In pure friendship.
" "which cannot be attained by those who are born mediocre.
"Friendship can exist between people of different sex" -You don't say? -I don't , but La Bruyère does.
"Friendship can exist between people of different sex, "quite exempt from all grossness.
" -" Quite free from all" -Hanky-panky? "Quite free from all unworthy thoughts.
" "Quite exempt from all grossness.
" I know what it is.
It's been bothering me all the time.
You've changed your hair, haven't you, Jaq? Yes, Kit, I've changed my hair.
Alan, do look at Jaq.
She's changed her hair.
So she has.
Well, well, well.
I knew you'd done something to yourself.
It's queer, you know, makes you look quite -Quite what, Kit? -I was going to say " alluring" .
(BOTH GIGGLING) -You do like it anyway, Kit? -Yes, I do.
-I think it's very nice.
-You think I ought to keep it like this? Sorry, Maingot wants to take me now.
So, would one of you mind telling Diana, I mean Miss Lake, that we'll have to postpone our walk? -Yes, I'll tell her.
-Thank you.
-You think I ought to keep it like this? -Keep what? My hair! Oh, don't be such a bore about your hair, Jaq.
Yes, keep it like that.
It'll get a laugh, anyway.
50 francs, please, Alan.
Merci.
Merci.
Well, he's in belligerent.
I know him well.
Cheery cove.
It was an amusing story about him, as a matter of fact.
He got a bit tight once in Portsmouth and broke seven Belisha beacons with an air pistol.
-No! -(CHUCKLING) Yes.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Please to tell your little story in French.
Oh, come now, sir.
That's a bit unfair.
I don't know enough.
You should have learnt enough, my Commander.
Yes, but dash it, sir, I've only been here a few days.
Two weeks, my Commander.
After two weeks, my pupils are usually enough advanced to tell me little stories in French.
Well, I can't tell this one, sir.
It wasn't a story, anyway.
(CONVERSING IN FRENCH WITH MAINGOT) (RECOUNTING THE COMMANDER'S STORY IN FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça, Belisha beacons? (ALL SPEAKING FRENCH) So, one finds it funny in England to break with a pistol of wind these religious emblems? Well (SIGHING) -Damn you, Howard.
-Jolly good story, I thought.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Ah, one moment, please.
I speak in English for those of you who do not understand.
How many of you are going tonight to the costume ball and great battle of flowers at the casino? Please to hold up your hands.
-Lord, is it July the 14th, already? -All of you.
Good.
The festivities commence at 8:00.
There will be no dinner here, all right.
Ah! One moment.
I give my history lecture at 2:30, that is to say, in 21 minutes' time.
All right.
How about a game of Japanese billiards, Diana? Bill's asked me to play.
I'll play you afterwards, Kit.
Come on, Bill.
Sorry, Neilan.
Alan, will you give me a hand with that essay now? You said you would.
Oh, hell.
Can't you do it yourself? Well, yes, I could.
But it might mean missing this dance tonight and I'd hate that.
Oh, go on.
It's on Robespierre and I know nothing about him.
Well, there's a chapter on him in Lavisse.
Why don't you copy that out? The old man won't notice.
Probably say it isn't French, but still.
Oh, go on, Alan.
Be a sportsman.
Nothing I should hate more.
Oh, hell! (CLEARING THROAT) I say, old boy, you couldn't lend me 50 francs, could you? No, I couldn't .
At any rate, not until you've paid me back that hundred you owe me.
Ah, I see your point.
Oh, well, no ill feelings, old boy.
I shall just have to put Chi-Chi off for tonight, that's all.
You weren't thinking of taking her to this thing at the casino, were you? Ah, yes.
What do you think Maingot would have said if he'd seen her? Oh, that would have been all right.
I told him I was taking the daughter of the British Consul.
But she doesn't exactly look like the daughter of the British Consul, does she? It is a fancy dress ball.
It's just possible the daughter of the British Consul might go dressed as Nana of the Boulevards.
Still, I admit that if he'd actually met her, he might have found it odd that the only English she knew was, "I love you, Big Boy.
" How do you manage to talk to her, then? Oh, we get along, old boy.
We get along.
You couldn't make it 30 francs, could you? No, and I don't suppose Chi-Chi could, either.
No.
Well, you may be right.
I'd better pop round in the car and tell her I won't be there tonight.
Listen, Brian, if you want someone to take, why don't you take Jaq? Isn't anyone taking her? -Yes, I'm supposed to -You, old boy? What about Diana? She's being taken by the Commander.
Oh.
Well, as a matter of fact, I don't think I'll go at all.
I don't fancy myself at a battle of flowers.
Nor do I, if it comes to that.
I don't know.
I think you'd hurl a prettier bloom than I would.
Well, so long.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING) God knows why Brian finds it necessary to have a car that sounds like like five dictators all talking at once.
It goes with his character, Kit.
He'd think it was effeminate to have a car which was possible to sit in without getting cramp and that didn't deafen one.
I wonder what it's like to be as hearty as Brian? Oh, awful, I should think.
Ah, I should think very pleasant.
Have you ever seen Brian bad-tempered? No, but then, I think it's just stupid to be bad-tempered.
It doesn't follow.
Cats and dogs are bad-tempered sometimes.
You know, Brian may be stupid but he's right-minded.
He's solved the problem of living better than any of us.
It seems a simple solution, too.
All it needs apparently is the occasional outlay of 50 francs.
I wish I could do the same.
Oh, I expect you could if you tried.
I have tried, often.
Doesn't that shock you? No.
No, why should it? -Just wondered.
-No, I'm a woman of the world.
That's the last thing you are, Jaq.
But I'll tell you this, I like you so much that sometimes it's quite an effort to remember -that you're a woman at all.
-Oh.
I thought you liked women.
Oh, I don't think one likes women, does one? One loves them sometimes, but that's a different thing altogether.
Still, I like you.
That's what's so odd.
Thank you, Kit.
I like you, too.
Good, that's nice for both of us, isn't it? Clumsy.
Have you found anything to wear for tonight? Supposing I didn't go, would you mind? Oh, well, I had been rather looking forward to tonight.
Well, Alan could take you.
He's a better dancer than I am.
Why don't you wear that Greek dress of my brother's ? Jaq, you know, I don't think I could cope with a battle of flowers.
Well, could I get into this dress of your brother's ? Oh, yes! Easily.
It may be a bit tight but That reminds me, I hope there'll be plenty to drink at this affair.
There's nothing else for it.
I shall have to murder that man.
-Who? -The Commander.
Surely that's my privilege, isn't it? I've just been watching him play Japanese billiards with Diana.
Now, you would think, wouldn't you, that Japanese billiards was a fairly simple game.
I mean, you either roll those wooden balls into the holes or you don't .
That should be the end of it.
As played by the Commander, it becomes some sort of naval battle.
Every shot is either a plunging salvo, a blasting broadside or a direct hit amidships.
At least he has the excuse that it amuses Diana.
-Mmm.
-Will you explain to me, Alan, as an impartial observer, how she can bear to be more than two minutes in that man's company? Certainly.
He's in the process of falling in love with her.
-Yes, that's obvious but -When one hooks a salmon, one has to spend a certain amount of time playing it.
If one doesn't , it escapes.
-Was that meant to be funny? -Of course.
When the salmon is landed, all that's necessary is the occasional kick to stop it from slipping back into the water.
Don't be a damned fool! Tomorrow, a certain Lord Heybrook is arriving.
Diana is naturally rather anxious to bring the Commander to the gaff as quickly as possible so that she can have two nice, fat fish gasping and squirming about on the bank before she starts to fish for what'll be the best catch of all of you.
If she can bring it off.
No wonder you can't get anyone to take your novel.
I fail to see what my novel has to do with the machinations of a scalp-hunter.
Listen, Alan, one more crack like that He's quite right.
You shouldn't say things like that.
What do you know about it, anyway? Well, nothing.
Only I was Well, please go away.
This is between Alan and me.
Oh, I'm sorry! Now, will you please understand this? I am in love with Diana and Diana is in love with me.
Now, that's not too hard for you to grasp, is it? Because I'll repeat it again slowly if you like.
Oh, no, no, no.
I've read about that sort of thing in books.
The Commander, of course, is just the old friend who's known her since she was so high.
The Commander's in love with her.
But you can't blame Diana for that.
Of course I don't .
It was a jolly smart piece of work on her part.
She's too kind-hearted to tell him to go to hell.
I suppose it's because she's so kind-hearted that she calls him " darling" and plays these peculiar games with him all over the place? I called you an impartial observer a moment ago.
Well, you're not.
I believe you're in love with Diana yourself.
My dear Kit! As a matter of fact, I admit it's quite possible I shall end by marrying her.
You'll what? But that will only be to strike another sporting metaphor like the stag who turns at bay through sheer exhaustion of being -My God, Alan! I've a good mind to -I shouldn't .
Make us both look rather silly.
And besides, you know how I disapprove of fighting over a woman.
(SIGHING) Well, I don't understand you at all, Diana.
At least, I think I do understand you but if you don't mind me saying it, I think you're too kind-hearted.
-Far too kind-hearted.
-Yes, I think I am.
For instance, I can't understand why you just don't tell Kit.
-Oh, Bill, please.
-I'm sorry to keep on at you, Diana.
But I can't tell you how much I resent him behaving as if you were still in love with him.
Oh, but I can't tell him.
Well, not yet, anyway.
Surely you must see how cruel that would be.
But this is a case where you must be cruel to be kind.
Yes, Bill, that's true.
That's terribly true.
But you know, cruelty is something that's physically impossible to me.
I'm the sort of person that's miserable if I tread on a snail.
You must tell him, Diana.
Otherwise, it's so unfair on him.
Tell him now.
-Oh, no, not now.
-Well, this evening, then.
Well, I'll try but it's a terribly hard thing to do.
It's like kicking someone when he's down.
I know, old girl.
It's a rotten thing to have to do.
You mustn't think I don't sympathise with you, you know.
Oh, Bill, I do feel such a beast.
Yes, I know, but these things happen, don't they? I can't understand it even yet.
I loved Kit.
Or at least I thought I did and then And then you happened andand Oh, Bill, do you do this to all the women you meet? -Do what? -Sweep them off their feet so that they forget everything in the world except you.
Diana, will you give me a truthful answer -to a question I'm going to ask you? -Oh, yes, of course, Bill.
Are your feelings for me mere infatuation or do you really love me? Oh, you know, I do, Bill.
Oh, darling.
-And you don't love Kit any more? -Well, I'm still fond of him.
-But you don't love him? -Oh, no, Bill.
I don't love him.
And you'll tell him so? -Hello, Jacqueline.
-Hello, Diana.
Rather warm, isn't it? You don't think she saw anything, do you? I don't know.
She may have been watching from the kitchen the whole time.
I wouldn't put it past her.
Well, what does it matter? Everyone will know soon enough.
-She's the sort of girl who'll talk.
-Let her.
Bill, you don't understand.
Our feelings for each other are too sacred to be soiled by vulgar gossip.
Yes, but darling, we can't go on keeping it a secret forever.
Oh, not forever.
But don't you find it thrilling to have such a lovely secret just between us and no one else? Oh.
(BOTH MOUTHING) You people have got a lecture now, haven't you? In about five minutes.
Oh, well, I think I'll go for a little walk by myself.
We'll have our bathe about four, don't you think, Bill? Well, Neilan.
How's the world treating you? -Bloodily.
-Oh, I'm sorry to hear it.
-What's the trouble? -Everything.
-(BRIAN'S CAR CHUGGING) -Oh.
This do tonight at the casino ought to be rather a cheery affair, don't you think? Who are you taking? -Jacqueline.
-Jacqueline? -Yes, Jacqueline.
-Oh, that's a charming girl.
Charming, amusing, pretty, clever.
She'll make someone a fine wife.
She's what the French call sympathique.
-Do they? I didn't know.
-Oh, yes, they do.
Far nicer than most modern girls.
-(WHISTLING) -Take some of these English girls You take them.
I want to read.
- # Somebody stole my girl # -Blast you, Brian! What's the matter, old boy? Don't you like my voice? No.
And I don't like that song, either.
Somebody Stole My Girl? Rather nifty, I thought.
Yes, well, perhaps you're right.
Not one of my better efforts.
This has just come for Alan.
Feels suspiciously like his novel.
You won't believe this, but I used to sing in my school choir.
Only because I was in the rugger 15, I admit.
What's the old boy lecturing on today? The Near East, I suppose.
He didn't finish it yesterday.
Good Lord, was it the Near East yesterday? I thought it was the Franco-Prussian War.
You must get a lot of value out of these lectures.
I only understand one word in a hundred.
Rather the same in my case.
Ah, lend me your notes in case the old boy has -the impertinence to ask me a question? -Ah.
I see the novel has returned to father again.
Open it, old boy.
There may be a marvellous letter inside.
Oh, there'll be a letter, all right.
But I don't need to read it.
Oh, bad luck.
Still, you mustn't give up hope yet, though.
First novels are always refused, hundreds of times.
I know a bloke who's been writing novels and plays and things all his life.
He's 50 now and he's still hoping to get something accepted.
Thank you, Brian.
Very comforting.
Will you let me read it sometime? Would you like to? I'm afraid you'd hate it.
Why? What's it about? Well, it's about two young men who take a vow to desert their country instantly in case of war and go and live on a farm in Central Africa.
And? Well, war breaks out and they go.
One of them takes his wife.
They go not because they're any more afraid to fight than the next man but because they believe that violence in any circumstances to be a crime and if the world goes mad, it's their duty to remain sane.
I see, conchies.
Yes.
Conchies.
Well, when they arrive on their farm, one of them makes love to the other one's wife and they fight over her.
Ah.
That's a good point.
Yes, but in fighting for her, they realise that the motive that made them do it is as vile as the impulse they feel to go back and fight for their country.
In both cases, they're letting their passions get the better of their reason, becoming animals instead of men.
But that's nonsense.
I mean, if a man fights for his country or his wife, he's a man, not a damn conchie.
Well, the characters in my book have the honesty not to rationalise the animal instinct to fight into something noble like patriotism or manliness.
They admit that it's an ignoble instinct, something to be ashamed of.
Ashamed of? Crikey.
They also admit that their reason isn't strong enough to stand out against this ignoble instinct.
So they go back and they fight.
Ah, that's more like it.
So they were proved wrong in the end? Well, their ideal wasn't proved wrong because they were unable to live up to it.
That's the point of the book.
What's the use of an ideal if you can't live up to it? Well, in a hundred years' time, men may be able to live up to our ideals even if they can't live up to their own.
Yes, that's it.
Progress.
Progress, my fanny.
Yeah, but look here.
Supposing some rotter came along and stole your best girl, well, you'd fight him, wouldn't you? You'd better ask me that question, hadn't you? -What the devil do you mean by that? -And the answer would be yes.
That's very interesting, I'm sure.
By the way, I forgot to tell you, in my novel, when the two men go back to fight for their country, they leave the woman in Central Africa.
You see, after fighting over her, they'd come to the conclusion she's a bitch.
It would have been so much better, don't you think, if they'd realised that sooner? All right, you've asked for it.
Don't be a daft fool.
(GROANING) What the hell do you think you're doing? Yes, what the hell do you think you're doing? Shut up, you damn lot of fools! -Kit, show some sense, for God's sake! -(ALL GROANING) Look out.
Maingot! (SPEAKING FRENCH) (ALL SIGHING) Hello, Diana.
Aren't you getting dressed? Darling, you look too lovely.
Do you like it? I adore it.
I think it's sweet.
Oh, but if I were you, dear, I'd wear that hat just a little more on the back of the head.
Look, I'll show you.
Oh, no, that's not quite right.
I wonder if it would look better without a hat at all? -Oh, no, you must wear a hat.
-Oh.
I suppose my hair's wrong.
Well, it isn't quite Bavarian, is it, darling? Oh, it's very nice, of course.
I've got something to say to you, Diana.
Do you mind if I say it now? Of course not.
Oh, Lord, there's a bit of braid coming off here.
-Oh! -Don't move, I'll fix it.
Well, if you look in the drawer over there, you'll find a needle and thread.
-Right.
-But you needn't trouble.
Oh, that's all right, it's no trouble.
I enjoy doing this sort of thing.
Well, what was it you wanted to say to me? I overheard your conversation this afternoon with the Commander.
All of it or just part of it? I heard you say that you were in love with the Commander and that you didn't love Kit.
Oh, now, scream if I prick you, won't you? Is that what you wanted to tell me? Well, I wanted to know if you were going to tell Kit that you didn't love him? -Why? -Because if you don't , I will.
Oh, my dear, I think that would be very silly.
He won't believe you, it will make him very unhappy and worst of all, he'll be furious with you.
-Yes, that's true, I suppose.
-There.
-How's that? -Hmm? Oh, yes, that's splendid.
Thanks so much.
So you won't leave Kit alone? Now, let's be honest for a moment.
Don't let's talk about love and things like that.
Just plain facts.
You and I both want the same man.
-But you don't love him.
-Yes, I do.
-But what about the Commander? -I want him, too.
-Oh! -Don't look shocked, darling.
You see, I'm not like you.
You're clever.
You can talk intelligently.
And you're nice.
-That's a horrid word.
-Now, I'm not nice, I'm not clever and I can't talk intelligently.
There's only one thing I've got.
And I don't think you'll deny it, I have got a sort of gift for making men fall in love with me.
Oh, no.
No, I don't deny that at all.
Oh, thank you, darling.
I didn't think you would.
Well, now, you've been sent into the world with lots of gifts and you make use of them.
Well, what about me with just my one gift? I must use that, too, mustn't I? Oh, Diana, I do see your point of view.
I do see that you must have men in love with you.
But couldn't you please, couldn't you make the Commander do? No, I always act on the principle that there's safety in numbers.
Well, there's this Lord Heybrook arriving tomorrow.
Supposing I let you have the Commander and him? Oh, no, darling, I'm sorry.
I'd do anything else for you.
But if you want Kit, you must win him in fair fight.
But you know I don't stand a chance against you.
Well, to be perfectly honest, I don't think you do.
I only hope you make some dreadful blunder so that he finds out the game you're playing.
I don't make blunders.
He's taking you to the casino tonight, isn't he? Yes.
But he's so furious because you're going with the Commander, he's going to give me the most dreadful evening.
That's all right, I'm not going.
I don't feel like it, as a matter of fact.
-But have you told the Commander? -Yes, he's furious, poor poppet.
Still, it's very good for him.
I wonder if you realise the trouble you cause? Do you know there was a fight about you this afternoon? Yes, I hear Alan was in it.
That's very interesting.
-KIT: Jaq, where are you? -Does Kit know you're not going tonight? Jaq, I can't get into this damn coat.
-Kit, you look angelic.
-Will you shut up? If you could see yourself.
I did tell you it would be rather a tight fit.
Well, it's miles too small.
Would you mind terribly if I didn't come? I can't go dressed as an inebriated danseuse.
Don't be silly, Kit.
It's going to look lovely.
Honestly, though, Jaq, I don't think I'll come.
-You wouldn't mind.
-I'd mind awfully.
Well, Alan's not going.
I don't think I can face it, really.
I've asked Babe if he'll take you.
He says he'd love to.
-I hear you're not going, Diana.
-No, I feel rather like you about it.
You know, they're dancing in the streets tonight.
We might get rid of the others later and go out and join in the general whoopee.
-What do you say? -Oh, that's a lovely idea, Kit.
I'm awfully sorry, Jaq, but honestly Oh, that's all right.
I'm going to have a lovely time with Kenneth.
She seems rather odd.
You don't think she minds, do you? How on earth should I know? Darling, if we do go out tonight, you will get rid of the Commander, won't you? If he comes, I won't be answerable for the consequences.
He's not so easy to get rid of.
He clings like a limpet.
Still, I'll do my best.
I can't understand why you just don't tell him to go to hell.
Oh, that'd be a little cruel, wouldn't it, Kit? Well, as someone once said, why not be cruel only to be kind? Yes, Kit, that's true.
That's terribly true.
But you know, cruelty is something that's physically impossible to me.
I'm the sort of person that's miserable if I tread on a snail.
But can't you see, darling? It's unfair on him to let him go on thinking he's got a hope.
Poor old Bill.
Oh, well, darling, come and give me a kiss -and say you love me.
-With pleasure.
I love you.
What the devil do you think you're doing? I'll give you three guesses.
I've had about enough of this.
I'm going to teach this young puppy a lesson.
Oh, don't be silly, Bill.
-Out of my way, Diana.
-Do as the Commander says, Diana.
-You're both quite mad.
-(MAINGOT SPEAKING FRENCH) Vous ne pouvez pas dire la différence entre vous et un real Highlander.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) -(ALL CLAPPING) -BRIAN: Oh, very good, sir.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH INCORRECTLY) (CORRECTING BRIAN IN FRENCH) -Have I said something? -Yes.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) My God! What does he look like? He looks perfectly sweet.
Goodbye, everyone, you're all fools not to be coming.
We're going to have a lovely time.
-Alan, do change your mind and come.
-No thanks, Babe.
Have a lovely time.
Well, I'm going to have a drink.
Anybody coming with me? -I'm ahead of you, old boy.
-Yes, I'm coming.
I suppose that means I've got to pay for both of you? Yes, it does.
-Well, what about you two? -BOTH: No.
Oh, no.
I see you're going to have a musical evening.
-Now we can have our little talk.
-I don't intend to do much talking.
But I do.
Diana has just this minute given me a message to give you.
She wants you to understand that she knows what you feel about her and she's sorry for you.
But she must ask you not to take advantage of her pity for you to make her life a burden.
Right, now you've had your little joke, maybe I'll tell you the truth.
This afternoon, Diana asked me to inform you in as kindly a way as possible that her feelings toward you have changed entirely and that she is now in love with me.
God, what a nerve! Do you know what she's just said about you? She called you a silly old bore who stuck like a limpet -and weren't worth bothering about.
-Oh, she did, did she? Yes, she did.
And lot more besides that wouldn't bear repeating.
All right, you lying young fool.
I've put up with you up to now because I've felt sorry for you.
But now I see I'm going to have to fight you.
-Put up your hands.
-With pleasure.
You look You look so funny in that get-up.
A little eccentric, I admit.
I'll go and change.
No, don't .
If you do, I'll have to fight you.
I can't when you're looking like that.
And if you go on looking like that, it'll save us making idiots of ourselves.
You know, that's rather sensible.
I'm surprised.
Look, let me tell you my side of the case.
All right.
I've just had a talk with Diana.
She said you were in love with her.
I suggested to her that it was only fair to you to let you know exactly where you stood.
In other words, that she was in love with me and that you had no chance.
She answered that though what I'd said was the truth She never said that.
Please don't interrupt.
that what I'd said was the truth, she couldn't tell you because it would be too cruel.
I then said rather aptly that this was a case where she should be cruel only to be kind.
-You said what? -Cruel only to be kind.
What did she say? She said she found it physically impossible to be cruel.
She said she was the sort of person who was miserable if she'd trod on a snail.
What? -Are you sure of this? -Certainly.
What, she said she was miserable if she'd trod on a snail? Yes.
-Good God! -What's the matter? Well, it's awful.
I don't believe it.
I can't believe it.
It's all a monstrous plot.
I believe you listened in on my conversation with Diana this afternoon.
Why? Because I also told her she ought to be cruel only to be kind and she gave me precisely the same answer as she gave to you.
-You mean about the snail? -Yes, about the snail.
In other words, she's been double-crossing us.
-No, you've made all that up.
-I only wish I had.
-How do I know you're telling the truth? -You'll have to take my word for it.
-Why should I? -Do you want to make me fight you? -Yes, I do! -Well, I'm not going to! We'd better face it.
Diana is in love with neither of us.
And she's made fools out of both of us.
But we don't know that.
I mean, that she's in love with neither of us.
She may be telling lies to one and the truth to the other.
Is that what your reason tells you? No.
I feel rather sick.
I must have a stronger stomach than you.
I suppose you loved her more than I did.
Loved her? I still do love her, damn it! I love her voice.
I love the way she walks.
I love her face.
I love her figure.
None of that has changed.
Poor boy.
It's simpler for me.
You see, what I loved about her was her character.
You used to kiss her, I suppose? Oh, yes.
You didn't You didn't I loved her for her character.
-Did you? -Well, no.
Not really.
I see.
What are we going to do? Well, we'd better face her together.
Ask her, point blank, which one of us she really does love.
-If she says me, I'm done for.
-But you won't believe her.
I'll know she's lying, but I'll believe her all the same.
-What if she says me? -That's my only hope.
Then I hope for your sake she says me.
I say, Bill, that's terribly kind of you.
-I may call you Bill, mayn't I? -Oh, my dear Kit.
Do you know what I feel like doing is to go out and get really very drunk.
Why don't we go and throw ourselves in the sea instead? No, I think my idea's better.
Yes, perhaps you're right.
Then, let's start now.
But my dear Kit, you can't go looking like that.
Then let's go to this fancy dress thing at the casino.
I haven't got anything to wear.
Put this over your flannels.
All right.
Help me put it on.
What on earth Bill and I are going to the casino, Alan.
You've got to come, too.
Bill and you? What is this? Some sort of new game? Go and put something on.
You come, too, Brian.
-No, old boy.
Not me.
-KIT: Go on, Alan.
We want to get out of the house before Diana arrives.
-Where is she, by the way? -Who cares? Let me get this straight.
You want me to go to the ball with you and the Commander? Don't call him the Commander, Alan.
His name's Bill.
Bill? Yes, Bill, and he's one of the best fellows in the world! We're going to get very drunk together, aren't we, Kit? -Kit? -Screaming drunk, Bill.
I won't be a moment.
Well, this sounds like a party.
Brian, tell me how I can get hold of your Chi-Chi? -Is she going to the casino tonight? -Yes, old boy.
-Well, how could I recognise her? -I don't think you can miss her.
She won't miss you, anyway, if you're going to the bar alone.
-Has she got a good figure? -Well, I like it but then, I'm easy to please.
From sideways on, it's a bit S-shaped, if you know what I mean.
I should probably be lynched in this thing.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, wait a minute! What am I to tell Diana? Tell her we're being cruel only to be kind.
Tell her to be careful she doesn't go treading on any snails.
Just tell her to go to hell.
That leaves no room for doubt.
(ALL LAUGHING) I don't agree with you.
I don't agree with you at all.
You can't judge women by our standards of right and wrong.
Well, they have none of their own.
So, how can he judge them? Why judge them at all? I mean, there they are, all of them, I grant you, behaving absolutely nohow.
But still, that's what they're there for.
And you've just got to take them or leave them.
-I'll take them.
-I'll take vanilla.
Now, you tell me that Diana's a trollop.
Right, I shan't deny it.
I shall merely say that I, personally, like trollops.
Well, you can like them without loving them.
I mean, love is only sublimated sex, isn't it? Devilish, funny thing.
My old friend Freud, the last time I met him, said exactly the same thing.
He said, " Bill, old man.
Take my word for it.
"Love is only sublimated sex.
" That's what old Freudy said.
I fear that Bill is what he would describe himself as " half seas over" .
He's lucky.
The more I had to drink up in that foul casino, the more sober I became.
What were you saying about sublimated sex? Well, only if that's what you feel for Diana, -why sublimate? -Ah.
Because she's clever enough to give me no choice.
How simple everything would be if that sort of so-called virtue were made illegal.
If it were just a question of will you or won't you? I mean, no one ought to be allowed to get away with that, "I'd like to, but I mustn't .
" It's that that causes all the trouble.
The Commander has now definitely passed out.
You know, I like him, Kit.
It's quite amazing how pleasant he is when you get to know him.
KIT: Yes, I know.
Do you realise, if it hadn't been for Diana, we'd probably have gone on disliking him forever.
We've got to be grateful to her for that.
I wonder why we disliked him so much before tonight? I'll tell you.
Good Lord, I thought you'd passed out.
Officers in the Royal Navy never pass out.
They just fall on the ground in an alcoholic stupor, I suppose.
Exactly.
Tell us why we disliked you, then.
All right.
Ah! Oh, thank you, my dear fellow.
Well, because you all had made up your minds to dislike me before I ever came into this house.
All except Diana, that is to say.
From the moment I arrived, you all treated me as if I was some interesting old relic from a bygone age.
We thought you were a bumptious bore.
Well, I may have seemed a a bortious bumpf, but that's because I was in a blue funk of you all.
I mean, here I was, never been away from my ship for more than a few days at a time, clumped down in the middle of a strange house full of strange people, all speaking either French, which I couldn't understand, or their own brand of English, which was almost as difficult.
And all convinced that I was a half-wit.
Well, I'm damned.
As a matter of fact, I liked you all.
Oh.
Well, that's very gratifying.
I didn't agree with most of your opinions but I enjoyed listening to them.
Do you know, it's done me an awful lot of good being here.
One gets into a bit of a rut in the service.
You'll find the same in the Diplomatic.
I know.
One of the reasons I want to chuck it.
Look, will you let me give you a bit of advice about that? I've been wanting to for a long time, but I've always been afraid you'd bite my head off if I did.
-Of course.
-Well, chuck it.
Go and do your writing.
-I'd go back to London tomorrow, only -Only what? I don't know if I can write, for one thing.
Ten to one, you can't .
But I wouldn't let that stop you.
Well, I've given you my advice, for what it's worth.
I shall now go to bed to sleep the sleep of the very drunk.
ALAN: You can't go yet.
You've got to wait for Diana.
Diana? Pooh! Well, it's all very well for you to say, "Diana? Pooh!" But this weak-kneed, jelly-livered protoplasm here is still in her clutches.
Are you referring to me? Diana has only got to raise her little finger and he'll go running back to her screaming to be forgiven.
Well, then we must stop her raising her little finger.
Exactly.
That's why we must face her together.
The united front.
We must scupper her with a plunging salvo.
ALAN: Oh, no, let's please not do that.
She's only got to say she still loves me.
My dear Kit.
If Diana has to choose between you and Bill, she'll choose you.
You're younger, you're better-looking, and you've got more money.
Don't you agree, Bill? Well, he's certainly younger.
And he's certainly got more money.
You must be strong.
You must be firm.
You show any weakness now, you'll be a traitor to our sex.
By Jove, yes.
We must put up a strong show in this engagement.
It's all very well for you to talk.
You don't know.
Haven't I resisted her attacks for a whole month? They were only little skirmishes.
You don't know what it is to bear the whole brunt of her attack.
It's quite hopeless.
You can help me as much as you like.
But if she attacks me directly, I should go under, I know that.
Do you hear that, Commander? I submit that he be tried for extreme cowardice in the face of the enemy.
The court finds the prisoner guilty.
Mr Neilan, I must call upon you to surrender your trousers.
Ah! I see you've come into court without them.
Very well.
I have no option but to ask you for your skirt.
Come and get it.
I've been longing to get my hands on that all night.
Come on, Alan.
I say, chaps, stop it! Hell! No.
No, don't ! Crikey.
Well, I hope you all enjoyed yourselves at the casino.
Yes, thanks.
Brian gave me a message from you which I found rather hard to understand.
Perhaps you'd explain it now.
Well, who's going to fire the first shot of the salvo? Come, come, gentlemen.
Oh, I see I must engage the enemy on your behalf.
Diana, these two gentlemen have good reason to believe that you've been trifling with their affections.
You've told Kit that you're in love with him and bored by Bill.
And you've told Bill that you're in love with him and bored by Kit.
So, now naturally, they'd like to know exactly who you're in love with and exactly who you're bored by.
-That's right.
-Oh, would they? Well, are you going to answer their question? Certainly not! Whom I love and whom I don't love is entirely my own affair.
I've never heard such insolence.
Insolence! She's good, this girl.
She's very good.
May I please be allowed to go to my room? When you've answered their question.
I think you'd better let me go.
When you've given a straight answer to a straight question.
All right, you want to know who I'm in love with? Well, I'll tell you.
I'm in love with you.
Good night.
Now, will someone please tell me, was our engagement a success? It was a success as far as I'm concerned.
A success? What a girl.
(SHUDDERING) What a girl! I'm frightened.
-I'm really frightened.
-What? Oh, come, come, Alan.
I never thought I'd hear you talk like that.
Well, I can't help it.
I shall fall.
Oh, God! I know it.
I shall fall.
No, you must be firm.
You must be strong.
The united front must not be broken.
I want you to promise me something, you two.
Never, never leave me alone with that girl.
That sounds like rank cowardice.
Cowardice be damned! You don't seem to realise what an appalling danger I'm in.
If I'm left alone with her for a single second, I shudder to think what might happen.
I mean, she might even marry me.
Oh, no, not that.
It's true.
God help me.
I think she might easily try to marry me.
So, you see? You can't desert me now.
Don't let me out of your sight for a second.
Even if I beg you on my knees to leave me alone with her, don't do it.
-Will you promise? -I promise.
-What about you, Kit? -All right.
Thank you.
I've only got three weeks before the exams.
That's a long time, with Diana in the house.
You know, I think your only hope lies in this Lord Heybrook fellow who's coming tomorrow.
Diana may easily find that a peer in hand is worth more than one in the vague future.
Well, I'll go to bed.
You have my best wishes.
Don't come down to breakfast tomorrow until I come and fetch you.
Good night, Kit.
There's a real friend.
I hope you're going to show the same self-sacrifice.
I don't know what you're making all the fuss about.
-You ought to be very happy.
-Happy? I've noticed how happy you've been these past few weeks.
But I have, in a way.
Yes, well, it is not my way.
Damn it, Kit! I'm a man of principle, of ideals.
I'm a romantic! Let me give you a little word picture of the girl that I should like to fall in love with.
Then you can see how far it resembles Diana.
First of all, she will not be a trollop.
Oh, well, of course.
Secondly, she'll be able to converse freely and intelligently with me on all subjects.
Politics, religion, philosophy.
Thirdly, she'll have all the masculine virtues and none of the feminine vices.
Fourthly, she'll be physically unattractive enough to keep her faithful to me and physically attractive enough to make me desire her.
Fifthly, she'll be in love with me.
Well, that's all, I think.
You don't want much, do you? (SIGHS) I admit, it isn't a close description of Diana.
Where on earth do you expect to find this love dream? Well, they do exist, you know.
There's someone in this very house who answers to all the qualifications except the last.
Good Lord.
You don't mean Jaq, do you? And why not? -But you couldn't be in love with Jaq.
-I'm not! But she's exactly the sort of girl that I should like to be in love with.
(SCOFFS) Love and Jaq don't seem to connect.
I'm frightfully fond of her but somehow, I mean I don't know, you couldn't kiss her or make love to her.
Why don't you try it and see? Who, me? Good Lord, no.
Well, don't you find her attractive? Yes, I suppose she is, in a way.
Very attractive.
Don't you see, Alan? I know her far too well to start any hanky-panky.
She'd just scream with laughter.
Really? Just scream with laughter? Oh, you poor idiot.
Don't you realise the girl's been madly in love with you for two months now? -Ha, ha.
-All right, say, " Ha, ha.
" Don't believe it.
Forget I ever said it.
I promised her I'd never tell you.
How much did you have to drink up at the casino? Less than you.
-Are you stone cold sober? -As sober as 10 Lady Astors.
-And you tell me -Hmm.
Lord! (MAINGOT SINGING IN FRENCH) (SPEAKING DRUNKENLY IN FRENCH) -Hello, Kit.
-(ALAN SPEAKS IN FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) -Bonne nuit.
-Bonsoir.
Bonne nuit.
(SINGING DRUNKENLY) Why did you all leave so early? Oh, I don't know.
Your costume caused a sensation, Kit.
Everyone asked me what it was meant to be.
Really? Yes, well, I'll say good night.
I've got an essay to finish before tomorrow.
Good night, Kenneth.
And thank you.
Good night.
-Jaq.
-Yes? Did you have a good time tonight? Well, yes, thank you, Kit.
Good.
I'm sorry I couldn't take you.
Oh, that's all right.
That was Brian's girl you and Alan were dancing with, wasn't it? What's she like? Pretty hellish.
-Jaq.
-Yes? Nothing.
Was it raining when you came back? No.
No, it wasn't raining.
It was when we came back.
-Really? -Yes, quite heavily.
Well, it must have cleared up, then.
(CHUCKLING) Jaq, there's something I must Oh, damn.
I'm sorry.
I've never seen a clumsier idiot than you, Kit.
I seem to spend my whole life cleaning up after you.
There.
You smell of whisky, Kit.
Oh.
I'm going to bed.
Good night.
What's the matter with him? Is he drunk? Er No, Jaq.
But I have a confession to make.
-Oh, you haven't told him? -Well, I couldn't help it.
Oh, Alan, no! -Will you forgive me? -I'll never forgive you.
He's just been talking to me about the weather.
Well, he's a bit embarrassed.
That's natural.
But he'll spend his whole time running away from me now.
And when he is with me, he'll be wondering if I want him to kiss me and he'll go on talking about the weather and (CRYING) Oh, it's awful.
Oh, Jaq, I'm sorry.
I meant well.
Men are such blundering fools.
Yes, I suppose we are.
Will you forgive me? Of course I forgive you.
I'm going to bed.
All right, we'll talk about it in the morning.
Maybe I can persuade Kit I was joking.
No.
Don't say anything more to Kit.
You've done enough harm as it is.
Good night, Alan.
You're just a sentimental old monster, aren't you? -Who, me? -Yes, you.
Good night.
-Jaq.
-Yes? Will you see if Brian's in his room? I want to lock up.
Right.
-No, he must still be out.
-Oh.
I'll leave him a note.
-Alan? -Oh, my God.
Do you mind if I speak to you for a moment? I was just going to bed.
I suppose you didn't believe what I told you just now.
No, I didn't believe it.
No, I knew you wouldn't .
And of course after what's happened, I couldn't expect you to.
But whether you believe me or not, I just want to say this.
In the morning, Diana.
In the morning.
I'm frightfully tired.
Please, listen to me.
I just wanted to say that it's been you from the first moment we met.
Kit and Bill never meant a thing to me.
I only let them think I was in love with them but it was only because I had some idea it might make you jealous.
Pity you didn't succeed.
Oh, I know what you think of me, and you're quite right.
I've told so many lies before I can't expect you to believe me when I'm telling the truth.
Poor little Matilda.
But this is the truth now, Alan.
This is the only completely sincere feeling I've ever had for anyone.
In all my life.
Oh, go away.
Please, go away.
All right.
I know you've every right to think I'm lying but I'm not, Alan.
Really, I'm not.
That's what's so funny.
Oh, God help me.
Good night, Alan.
I do love you.
Say that again, blast you.
I love you.
I suppose this is true.
You know damn well it is.
-Say it, darling.
-Say what? -Say you love me.
-Must I? -This is hell.
-(BANGING) (LOUDLY) I love you.
(LAUGHING) Alan, darling.
Oh, hello, Alan.
Hello, Diana, old thing.
Good night, Alan.
I'll see you in the morning.
Hmm.
(EXHALES LOUDLY) Did you see that, old boy? She cut me dead.
She's furious with me.
I must tell you about it because it's a damn funny story.
You see, after you boys went off, I took Diana for a bite of dinner with me.
Well, we had a bottle of wine and got pretty gay and all the time she was giving me the old green light.
Green light? Yes, the go-ahead signal.
Well, after a while, I rather handed out an invitation to the waltz, if you follow me.
Yes, I follow you.
I mean, everybody being out, it seemed an opportunity not to be missed.
Well, do you know what she did then, old boy? No.
She gave me a sharp buffet on the kisser.
What did you do then? I said, " Well, if that isn't what you want, what the hell do you want?" And then she got up and left me.
Ha! I never laughed so much in all my life.
You laughed? (CHUCKLING) Well, wouldn't you, old boy? Oh, well, I'm for bed.
I say, I met the most charming little girl on the front just now.
Fantastic piece, she was.
She gave me her card.
Here it is.
"Colette, Chez Madame Pontet, Rue Lafayette, 2 3.
"Bain, 50 francs.
" I think I shall pop round tomorrow and have a bain.
Oh, Brian, how right-minded you are.
Me? Thank God you came in when you did.
You don't know what you've done for me with your bright, shining example.
I now see my way clear before me.
A great light has dawned.
I say, old boy, are you feeling all right? Listen, Brian, you weren't the only one to get the green light -from Diana tonight.
I got it, too.
-Yes, well, it doesn't surprise me.
I should think she's pretty stingy with her reds and yellows.
Yes, but I didn't respond to it in the same glorious way as you did.
However, what's done can be undone.
So I'm now going upstairs to put the same question to our Diana as you did earlier this evening.
I should know, boy.
She'll say no and believe me, she has a painful way of saying it.
If she say no, then lacking your own sterling qualities, I won't pay a visit to the Rue Lafayette, 2 3.
No.
I shall run away.
I'll go back to London tomorrow.
Well, what about your exam and so forth? Oh, I shall chuck that.
Well, I'm about to throw my future life into the balance.
Diplomat or writer, which shall it be? Diana shall choose.
Crackers.
10, 20, 30, 40.
Damn.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) Oh! Why so sad this morning, Kenneth? Well, you heard the news about Alan.
Yes, my father told me.
Well, don't you think it's awful? No, for one thing, I don't believe for a moment he's serious.
Oh, he's serious, all right.
(SCOFFS) What a damn fool! If I had half his chance of getting in the Diplomatic I wouldn't go and chuck it up like that.
Morning, all.
Where's Maingot Père? He's waiting for you in the garden.
Tell me, how is he this morning, old boy? Gay? Happy? At peace with the world? No, he's got a bad headache and he's in a fiendish temper.
Couple of portos too many last night, I fear.
Why this tender anxiety for my father's health, Brian? Well, Jaq, I'm afraid I may have to deliver a rather rude shock to his nervous system.
You see, I'm supposed to have done an essay on the Waterloo campaign, and what with one thing and another, I don't seem to have got awfully far.
How far? (READING FRENCH) That's the essay, is it? Ah, well, if I were you, I wouldn't show it to him.
I'd tell him I did one of five pages -and it got lost.
-Hmm.
Something tells me he won't altogether credit that story.
(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH) A trifle hung over (CONTINUES IN FRENCH) -Jaq! -Hello, Alan.
Is, er, Diana about? Yes, she's in the garden.
She wants to speak to you.
Oh, I bet she does but I'm taking good care she doesn't get a chance.
I just want to get my books together.
Oh, you can't be serious about this, Alan.
Never more serious in my life, Jaq.
You're breaking Diana's heart, you know.
Ha! Is that what she told you? Oh, no! She wouldn't give herself away to me.
But I honestly think she's rather in love with you, Alan.
Yes, that's just what I'm afraid of.
Do you know, you're the only man in the world who's ever got away from Diana unscathed? Don't say that, Jaq.
It's unlucky.
And I'm not out of the house yet.
(JAQ LAUGHING) JAQ: Look out, Alan! Oh, my God! It's no good.
He's sure to have locked the door of his room.
I'm afraid he's quite determined to go.
I feel dreadfully bad about it, because I'm responsible for the whole thing.
All this talk of writing is just nonsense.
He's only running away from me.
I don't altogether blame him.
I suppose it's a wonderful compliment for a man to throw up his career just for my sake.
But I can't see it that way.
I'm really frightfully upset.
-You don't look it.
-Well, I am.
Honestly, I am.
You see, I can't understand why he should want to run away from me.
I can't see what he's got to be frightened of.
Can't you? If only I could get a chance to talk to him alone, I'm sure I could persuade him not to go.
Oh, I'm sure you would, too.
So is Alan.
But I don't think you'll get the chance.
(SPEAKING FRENCH) Oh, does Lord Heybrook arrive this morning? Mmm.
That's a thought to console you with, isn't it? Bill, please go away.
I want to talk with Alan alone.
-Well, I -Bill, did you hear me? I asked you to go.
No, I'm sorry, I can't .
Do you think it's necessary to behave like this? You can say anything you want in front of Bill.
No, thank you.
I'd rather not.
Then you don't say it.
Oh, very well, if you're determined to be so childish.
This is all I want to say.
If you feel you must run away from me, go ahead.
I shan't try and stop you.
I only hope you'll be happy without me.
I know I shan't be happy without you.
-You'll get over it.
-Oh, I expect so.
You'll write to me occasionally, won't you? Every day, if you like.
I'd like to know how you're getting on in your new career.
And I wish you the very, very best of luck.
-Thank you.
-I'll be thinking of you a lot.
Well, it's very nice of you to say so.
Well, that's really all I wanted to say.
Only I would rather like to say goodbye.
And that's a bit hard with Bill standing there like the Rock of Gibraltar.
Bill, get out.
Get out, blast you, get out! Is that the voice of reason, my dear fellow? Oh, thank you, Bill.
Right, give me a hand with these books.
Take them upstairs and don't leave my side until I'm on that damn train.
-Don't you want to say goodbye? -Yes.
Goodbye.
Here, you've forgotten one.
Marianne, a quelle heure arrive Sir Lord Heybrook? Lord Heybrook's arriving at 10:15.
-He'll be here any minute now.
-Oh, thank you very much.
Ah! Well.
-Any luck with Alan? -No.
Oh, he wouldn't listen to reason? Do you mind, Jacqueline? I'm really too upset to talk about it.
Well, why don't you go to England with him, if you feel like that? How can I go chasing him across half a continent? One has a little pride, after all.
Yes.
Yes, I suppose one has.
Besides, if Alan really feels he'll be happier without me, there's nothing I can do about it.
No.
No, I suppose there isn't .
Ah, poor Lord Heybrook.
What's Lord Heybrook got to do with it? Nothing.
Oh, it's a lovely morning for a bathe, don't you think? The wind is cold, the sea is rough.
But I shouldn't let that stop you.
Really, Jacqueline.
You're becoming quite nice and catty in your old age.
As matter of fact, I think I will have a bathe.
Why don't you come with me? Oh, no, my bathing dress isn't nearly attractive enough.
Besides, I'm giving lessons all morning.
I'm supposed to be giving one now.
Kit's late, as usual.
Oh, by the way, how are you getting on in that direction? Not very well, I'm afraid.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I suppose Kit's terribly upset about me.
Oh, I shall do my best to console him.
I've been horribly unkind to him.
After Alan's gone, I shall have to be specially nice to him to make up for it.
Oh, no.
Oh, why don't you go to England with Alan? Heaven knows Alan's never done me any harm.
But I can feel quite ruthless about anything that will get you out of this house! Excitable race, you French, I always say.
-Sorry I'm late, Jaq.
-It's all right, Kit.
Oh, well, I don't want to disturb you.
I'm going for a bathe.
Sit down, Kit.
Have you done that work I set you? Oh, good! You must have worked quite hard.
-Jaq, I want to say -This is wrong.
You can't say that in French.
You have to turn it, you see? Yes, I see.
Oh, my dear Kit.
"Une pipe remplis avec du tabac.
" What ought it to be? "Remplis de tabac", of course.
Well, why didn't you write it, then? Kit, this whole exercise is terrible.
What on earth were you thinking of when you did it? You.
Well, you'd better do it again, then.
-What, do the whole thing again? -Yes.
Why were you thinking of me? Shall I translate you some La Bruyère? (SIGHING) All right.
Page 108.
If I let you off, will you tell me? I might.
Very well, then.
You're let off.
Only Mind you, if you do another exercise as bad as that, I'll make you do it again.
And three more besides.
Well, I was wondering whether I ought to tell you I was sorry for what happened last night.
Alan told me this morning you were in a steaming fury with me about it, so I thought I'd better Oh.
Oh, Alan's been talking to you this morning, has he? What's he been saying now? I don't see why I shouldn't tell you.
You see, last night, when Alan was bit drunk, he played a stupid practical joke on me.
He told me Well, this is a bit embarrassing but it's a good laugh, anyway.
He told me that you've been madly in love with me for two months.
Well, I being also rather drunk, believed him.
And so, as I was feeling rather sentimental, I kissed you, as you remember.
Of course, I couldn't understand why you didn't fall into my arms and say, "At last! At last!" or some such rot.
However, Alan told me this morning that the whole thing had been a bit of a joke and that you're really rather angry with me for, uh for spoiling a beautiful friendship and all that nonsense.
So, that's why I thought I'd better apologise.
What a blasted fool Alan is! Yes, it was a damn silly trick to play.
Not at all like him.
Well, Kit, supposing I had fallen into your arms and said, " At last! At last!" or some such rot, what would you have done? I should have kissed you and said, "I've loved you all the time without knowing it.
" Or some such idiocy.
Oh, Kit, you wouldn't .
I told you I was feeling rather sentimental.
You don't feel sentimental this morning, do you? Oh, no, no.
You don't have to worry any more.
You're quite safe.
Well, isn't there any chance that you might feel sentimental again sometime? No, no.
You're quite all right now.
Well, supposing I gave you a drink or two and told you that what Alan said last night was the truth and that I have been in love with you for two months and I've been longing for you to kiss me every time I'm with you! Would that make you feel sentimental? There's no knowing what it might make me feel.
Well, I haven't any drink, Kit.
Or must you have a drink? At last.
At last! I've loved you all the time without knowing it! -Or some such idiocy.
-I mean it, Jaq.
-Is, uh -Ahem! -Diana about? -Oh! Come in, Alan.
You're quite safe.
And I've got some news for you.
What news? Oh, well, I wouldn't like the Commander to hear it.
Do you mind awfully? Not at all.
Tell me when you've finished.
Well, what's the news? Kit says he's loved me all the time without knowing it! Well, well, well.
You could knock me down with a feather.
You've got a lot to explain.
What the hell do you mean by telling me a whole packet of lies? Is that the way to talk to someone who by a series of torturous ruses has at last brought you two lovebirds together? -Oh! -(CHUCKLING) Well, I give you my blessing.
Time presses and I came to say goodbye.
-I can come in now, can't I? -(LAUGHING) How did you know? Male intuition.
As distinct from the female brand, I listened at the keyhole.
You know, Jaq, the only reason I'm sorry to be going is having to leave Bill just when I've discovered him.
Oh, don't worry, old boy, we'll meet each other again.
We're brothers under the skin.
Did Diana say anything about going to England with me? Now, she's definitely staying here.
She says, " Your happiness comes first.
" For my happiness, read Lord Heybrook.
Thank God for his Lordship.
Alan, must you go? Yes, Babe, I'm afraid I must.
A load off my mind, and I don't only mean Diana.
You know, I don't think you know what you're doing.
-Oh, yes, I do.
-Jacqueline! Jacqueline! (SPEAKING FRENCH) Lord Heybrook? Oh, somebody tell Diana or she'll miss her entrance.
Oh, God.
-Diana! Lord Heybrook.
-JAQ: What does he look like, Kenneth? I can't see.
Your father's in the way.
Oh, sit down, all of you.
For God's sake.
Give the man a chance.
(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) (SPEAKING FRENCH) Come and help me pack, someone.
I'm going to catch that London train or die! (ALL LAUGHING) Stop laughing, you idiots! It isn't funny.
It's a bloody tragedy.
(ALL TALKING, INDISTINCT)