Birds of a Feather (1989) s11e08 Episode Script

1 ~ You need to see a doctor.
~ No, I don't.
Cos they'll just say it's cancer and I'd rather not know.
The mole's malignant.
I've gotta have a scan to see if it's spread.
What'll I do When you Are far away? And I Am blue What'll I do? When I'm alone With only Dreams of you That won't Come true What'll I do? They've got an absolutely beautiful house waiting for me in New Zealand.
Gorgeous views, stunning landscape, beach goes on forever.
Sounds like Clacton on a good day.
I would've liked to have spent more time with you before leaving.
Strange that every time I suggested a meeting you were having coffee with your publisher.
What can I say? My publisher loves a skinny white.
~ We can still keep in touch.
~ Oh.
Email, Skype.
Carrier pigeon, smoke signals, semaphore.
Just a moment.
Ow! Been earwigging? You shouldn't be carrying that heavy basket.
Why? I haven't got cancer of the arms.
You haven't got cancer full stop, all right? Your only medical experience is a lifetime of conning sick notes out of doctors.
I'll wait for the scan results before I open the prosecco.
All I'm saying is if the boys want clean clothes for their music festival, they can wash them themselves.
And which one of my boys does this belong to? This is your dirty washing.
I found it beside your bed.
That was a clean pile! Look, I'll sort it later.
You should rest.
What's up, Mum.
Not well? No, I'm fine.
You know me, Travis.
Just like to pull my weight.
That's it, make him really suspicious.
Listen, if anyone offers you drugs at this music festival - I know, I know.
Shop around, make sure I get the best price.
~ All right? ~ Ask Sharon.
She had her ear glued to the door for most of the conversation.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
~ When are you off to New Zealand then, Naomi? ~ Tomorrow.
~ Bet you're excited? ~ Shall I answer that one or do you want to? ~ It's a great opportunity.
~ Shame, though.
I mean, you've just found each other and you're off to the other side of the world.
Discover Dorien's your mum and move to New Zealand? I get that.
It's only for three years and I'm sure I'll be back and forth.
On church business.
I hear the three of you are off to a health spa.
Yeah, it was either that or an all-you-can-drink mega hen weekend in Shagaluf.
Obviously, I was outvoted.
Look, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to get going.
Oh, yeah! You got your leaving do in 45 minutes.
Possibly? Er, look, is it OK if I quickly use your loo? You take as long as you need, love.
You really have got a nerve.
Naomi and I were having a very emotional conversation.
It didn't sound very emotional to me.
Tracey got more upset when Travis went up to big school.
Well, what do you expect? She barges into my life, lets me get to know her and just as I become accustomed to her she disappears.
~ How dare she! ~ After all you haven't done for her.
Skipping breakfast? I'm pre-loading.
Once we get to that spa I won't see a carb until Monday.
Is that all you're taking to the music festival? Yeah.
It's three nights, so I've got three T-shirts, three pants, three socks.
Just gotta pick the bike up now.
Why do you have to go by motorbike? Why couldn't you just hire a car? They can't turn up in a Nissan Micra like a couple of librarians.
That's right.
We need to rock up all badass and bandanas.
By the way, you'll be pleased to know I have sorted out what I'm doing with the rest of my life.
Again? Look, I've got this mate who's in on the ground floor of the next big thing in takeaways, yeah? So let me ask you a question - what is the best natural source of protein? ~ Oh, that's easy.
It's - ~ Dorien! What? It's insects.
Exactly! Ants, locusts, they're full of nutrition.
What, so you mean something like, southern fried cockroaches? ~ Yeah! ~ I thought your big plan was to win Masterchef and open a string of restaurants? Well, that's a bit of a long shot.
This idea's much more solid.
Well, of the two, Garth, I'd say this is the one that's a couple of beetles short of a dung hill.
~ I don't think it's going to work, love.
~ Really? Oh, well.
Masterchef it is.
Come on then, bruv.
~ Bye, Mum.
~ Look after yourself.
~ See you later, boys.
~ Stick together! ~ Bye.
~ Love ya.
I've just had this horrible vision.
What happens the next time someone comes to Garthy with a mad idea and I'm not here to put him straight? But you will be here.
We don't know what the scan's gonna say.
Look, stop all that negativity stuff, Trace.
You're gonna be fine.
~ You can't live in denial.
~ Yes, I can! It's nice and it's sunny and everyone's happy.
Move in! What you looking at? Pictures of New Zealand? No.
Clacton on a good day.
I've just found out they don't sell booze at the bar.
They only sell spinach smoothies.
And you're not supposed to be drinking fizzy drinks either.
~ It's diet.
~ It's still full of additives.
Not this one - it's full of vodka.
Work out what treatments you're having.
Well, I know what I'm not having.
I'm not having any of that colonic irrigation malarky.
If anyone comes within three foot of my jacksy with a bit of garden hose I'll have their arm off at the elbow.
Right, I think I'll kick off with a nice leg wax.
They don't need waxing, they need mowing.
And what are you having done first? Your face ironed? Or your knockers pleated? I have my own ways of staying in shape, thank you, Sharon.
He looks right up your alley, Dor.
I think I know him.
I'm sure that's Roger Thornhill.
We had a three-day fling at a golf resort just after my divorce.
Meant I was able to get two things out of my system in one go - Marcus and my ambition to get a hole in one.
At least I think that's him.
He hardly looks a day older.
Excuse me, I need to take a closer look.
Look at her.
Like a meat-seeking missile.
Shal I need to talk to you about my will.
Look, stop talking like you're not going to be here.
~ It's tempting fate.
~ No, it's not.
It's being practical.
No, it's weird and I don't want to hear it.
I'd rather have my chakras realigned.
~ What are chakras? ~ I don't know.
But I reckon you're bending mine right out of shape.
I'm sorry but are you following me? It is Roger, isn't it? ~ Roger Thornhill? ~ Yes.
Dorien.
Dorien Green.
~ I'm sorry.
~ The golf resort at Marbella.
The bunker.
All those jokes about you swinging to the right? I'm terribly sorry.
Honestly, I think you've got the wrong man.
I don't think so.
How many Roger Thornhill's who look exactly like you are there in the world? Just the two.
Me and my dad.
That was fantastic.
Proper seat of the pants stuff.
It wasn't fantastic in the seat of my pants.
Well, the The brakes just need tweaking.
Don't worry.
Greasy Steve taught me everything you need to know about bikes.
Greasy Steve? He's a mechanic, right? Not just some random bloke who don't wash? He's a bit of both actually.
Oh, that's a bit firm, love.
You're gonna have my roots out! Oh-oh! What you doing? Where's my masseuse? Having an early tea break.
I told her we need to have a little chat.
You're hurting me! Well, then, stop struggling and listen.
I've decided that if anything happens to me I'm leaving the house to you.
~ Me?! ~ Well, I can't leave it to the boys, can I? Garthy will sell his half for a handful of magic beans, or set up a restaurant that serves 50 different types of bat.
But I'm not cut out for home ownership, Trace.
Remember that time I had a go on Travis' Sims game? I burnt my house down.
That was just a silly game.
Life's a silly game, as far as I'm concerned.
~ And I'm crap at it.
~ Well, then, you better get better at it.
Look, my life insurance will pay off the debts, but we've still got the running costs - gas, electricity, water rates, council tax.
And Travis' Uni won't be cheap.
But I was looking forward to my retirement.
You're 54! 50's the new 60.
No, 50's the new 40 so you've got 20 years of graft before you can get your free bus pass and your hair done half price.
Good.
Now, I'm glad we've had this little chat.
I'll call your girl back in.
Enjoy the rest of your massage.
Ah! If Tracey thinks Garth's immature, wait till I'm in charge.
I keep getting this picture in my head of Travis eating raw potatoes in the smoking ruins of the house.
Wearing nothing but World of Quid carrier bags for clothes.
Sharon.
Breathe.
~ Will it stop me panicking? ~ No, but it'll stop you talking.
Look, I need help! I can't be without Tracey.
I've always banked on me going first.
You know, get to 70 odd and then having a few too many one night, and driving my mobility scooter under a bus.
Well, stop counting the trip to the kebab shop as a work out and you won't need a mobility scooter.
I'm having a mobility scooter! No, it's no good.
I'm just gonna have to tell Tracey ~ I can't do what she wants.
~ No! You should be pleased she's got so much faith in you.
Come on, Sharon.
You can do it! And you'd be there to help me Wouldn't you, Dor? You and me without Tracey? It'd be like 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe' without the lion.
Are you're implying that I'm the witch? Which leaves me as the wardrobe, so you got off lightly.
Oh, of course I wouldn't desert you.
I've learned recently just what abandonment feels like.
There's that Roger.
Well, what happened between you two? Let's just say we have unfinished business.
So why don't you finish it then? You know what, I think I will.
After all this is a spa, and it is my preferred form of exercise.
I'll get them to put an oxygen bottle on ice just in case! ~ Roger, could I have a word? ~ Certainly.
I won't beat around the bush.
There have been many, many erotic milestones in my life but one opportunity that has never presented itself, until now, is a chance to experience both father and son.
~ Goodness.
~ Is that, "Goodness, out of the question!" Or"Goodness, how exciting!" Well, it's, erm It's, it's, it's, erm ~ Where could we? ~ I think this treatment room's free.
I just hope I can keep the family end up.
Thank you.
I think this is going to be good for me.
Oh, this is gonna be much better than good.
I meant as a chance for me to step out from under my father's shadow.
Oh, don't worry.
From what I remember, it wasn't a very long one.
He was a very difficult man.
I barely saw him.
He sent me away to boarding school when I was seven.
Never showed any affection.
Do you know, I used to pretend I was adopted.
I couldn't see how a real parent could treat you like that.
Well, of course you couldn't! Like all children you were completely selfcentred! Did you never consider how he felt? You're all the same! You selfish, selfpitying, snivelling offspring! And it's time she was told! Who? What? Was that some sort of foreplay? Blimey.
That was quick.
The oxygen ain't arrived yet.
~ Yes, well I've got more pressing matters to attend to.
~ Really? I won't get any peace till I have things out with Naomi.
About time.
You better hurry up, she's leaving tonight.
Yes, I know that, Tracey.
And you can't afford to wait for her to come back.
You're already very, very old.
Will you be OK while I'm gone, Tracey? Course she will.
I'm here.
That's why I'm checking! I'll be fine.
Go, and be back for dinner.
And if you ain't, can I have your pudding? Right.
Finished.
Let's get going.
Mate, you ain't put this bit back.
Is it important? Nah.
Come on.
Where've you been? I've had an Indian head massage and two hours in a flotation tank.
~ You had a fight? ~ Nearly.
I had my eyebrow threaded by that little blonde beauty therapist.
You know, the one that looks like butter wouldn't melt.
Vicious cow.
I'll go back later.
Get someone who didn't train at Guantanamo Bay.
You know what you were saying earlier? I will step up, you know? I know you will.
Good afternoon, ladies.
I got these for your friend Dorien.
She and I had a That is Well, I'm not sure what happened actually.
~ Is she around? ~ She had to go home, but she'll be back later.
Right.
Well, I hope she doesn't get caught up in all the mayhem.
There's been a big pile up on the M4.
Lorry collided with a motorbike.
Well, tell Dorien I'll have her tomorrow.
Have dinner with her tomorrow.
~ Bye.
~ Bye.
The boys were on the M4.
There's loads of motorbikes on the M4, Trace.
Then why isn't Garthy answering? Cos they've probably gone to the festival, taken loads of drugs and they're off their faces.
It's not a comfort, is it? Travis ain't answering either.
Look, I need to go home.
Tracey, calm down! Well, if the police come I need to be there! OK.
You've got me here.
Fire away.
I am seething.
Oh, dear.
Bad hair day? It's you I am furious with! You breeze into my life.
You stir up feelings.
Then you disappear as fast as you came.
You're abandoning me! I'm abandoning you? You abandoned me! And this is your revenge.
Why did you contact me when you knew you were going to New Zealand? I wasn't offered the job until after I found out about you.
What was I supposed to do? Turn it down in case the woman who gave me up at birth, and hasn't made the slightest attempt to find me in 50 years, shows me a smidgen of maternal affection? Oh, that's not fair! I've signed every text to you with "warmest regards.
" I'm not a gushing person.
Since I told you I was going, you haven't once said that you'll miss me.
Not even in one of your texts.
You still can't say it.
I'm going to have to go.
I don't want to miss my flight.
It might be quite nice if you did.
That's lovely to know .
.
but I've got an important job to get to.
I will call you.
Well, that's the last time I play the caring mother.
~ What are you doing back? ~ Have the police been in touch? No.
What have you done now? ~ The boys have been involved in a pile up on the motorway.
~ What?! ~ We don't know that yet, Trace.
~ Let's put the news on.
Sometimes they give an emergency number.
"Reports are still coming in concerning a major traffic incident on the M4 after a collision between a lorry and a motorbike.
" "It is understood that several cars and other vehicles were involved.
" "All three westbound lanes are closed and diversions are in place.
~ There are no reports of casualties as yet - " ~ Mum.
Shh! Why aren't you at the spa? Oh, my god! Thank God you're safe! We've been ringing you.
Why didn't you answer your bloody phones! The bike broke down in the middle of nowhere.
It took me five hours to get it fixed.
Then there was a big pile up on the motorway.
Yeah! We know! Anyway, we've only come back to have a wash.
Soon as the roads are clear we're off.
I'm sticking a jumper on.
It's too cold on that bike.
Oh, my God.
You are such a librarian! Kids.
Who'd have them? I'll get it.
Hello.
Yeah, hang on.
It's the hospital for you.
Hello.
This is Tracey Stubbs.
I see.
Thank you.
My scan's all clear.
Oh! Oh-oh-oh! Can you stick the kettle on, Mum? I'm gasping! ~ I could murder a bacon sarnie? ~ I want one.
Brown sauce in mine! Can you stick a fried egg in mine? Looks like everything's back to normal then.
Or Do you fancy it, Thelma? ~ Let's do it, Louise! ~ Yes! I thought we'd be going a bit faster than this, Trace.
You reckon you could do any better? At this rate an OAP on a push bike could keep up with us! You're not going anywhere without me!