M*A*S*H (MASH) s11e08 Episode Script

Don't you love this? Hot chili in the middle of a heat wave.
Quit your griping.
This steam table's like a sauna.
Then you oughta serve Swedish meatballs.
Ears front, fellow sweaters.
Tonight when the mercury dips into the breezy 90s "Watch America's fighting men "as they march across Africa's scorching desert sands - and right into your hearts in" - Sahara! Hey, that's showbiz.
If you're gonna give us heat and war, at least make it new heat and war.
You're talking to the wrong lackey.
I just show whatever Special Services sends me.
- Maybe Bannister can help you.
- Bannister? - He's the movie courier.
- Come on.
Let's go be film critics.
- Bannister, huh? - Uh-huh.
I'm Hunnicutt.
He's Pierce.
We're doctors.
Your movies are making us sick.
Gee, I'm awfully sorry, but I have nothing to say about the movies.
I just bring 'em.
I'm still sorry.
Who's the manager of the Korean theater? - Oh, you mean Major Frankenheimer.
- Frankenheimer.
Frankenheimer.
Head of Special Services in Seoul.
He makes all the selections.
Tell him if he sends us Sahara one more time, the audience will be lobbing grenades.
I'll see what I can do, but, uh, don't expect anything to change.
Excuse me.
We're out of milk.
Is there anything left in your pitcher? - Huh? - Right there.
The pitcher.
- Can we have your milk? - That's milk.
Oh, well.
I guess that'll have to do then.
- Thank you.
- What? - For the milk.
- Yeah.
- Is something wrong? - Why, does it show? We're all sweating, but you look like you're drowning.
It's nothing.
It's nothing.
Hey.
Doctors, remember? You can tell us.
It's, uh, women.
- Huh? - Hmm? Women.
Women.
I get nervous around 'em.
Gee, that's too bad.
They're everywhere.
Yeah, well, that's why I joined the army.
I figured I wouldn't have to deal with it, but, uh, I never counted on nurses.
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
Out of the frying pan and into the O.
R.
Now, that's what makes me nervous.
How's General Rothaker coming along? Still a little groggy.
But he should be up and saving the world from peace in no time.
Save the needles for O.
R.
I hope I look okay.
I gotta pay my respects to him.
You look great.
Those incompetents.
Those fools.
Those dunderheads.
- Which dunderheads are you talking about? - "L" Corps.
Oh, the head dunderheads.
We ordered a case of codeine, and look what they've sent us placebos.
- Oh.
Pills that do nothing.
- Useless.
- How much codeine do we have on hand? - About a week's worth.
- I'll tell the colonel as soon as he's free.
- Thank you.
- Too bad they don't use placebo bullets.
- Yes.
- Let the soldiers just think they're dead.
- Mm-hmm.
This is the first MASH I've ever toured on my back.
- You people do good work.
- Thanks, General.
One thing though.
When they brought me into the compound, the corpsman had beer on his breath.
Well, once in a while, the men like to have a tall cold one especially in this heat.
But no one in my command works a medical shift in an impaired condition.
I'm not doubting it.
But you do have your own speakeasy here, don't ya? Well, we do have a kind of a social club.
Mmm.
And this social club is it operated by authorized Special Services personnel? Well, technically speaking, it is not Then technically speaking, what is it doing there? Now, General, we both know the best way to blow off steam is with a wet whistle.
I don't know that at all.
I don't want to smell any more booze on anybody's breath.
As of now, any bars or alcohol in this area are strictly off-limits.
- But, General - Colonel, this MASH is dry.
That's an order.
And I expect you to carry it out.
Yes, sir.
There they are, Stegman, coming over the hills.
Yes, sir.
I see them.
There's no end to this furnace.
Baste me once before I die.
Didn't you inherit the heat-resistant blood of your forefathers? They cut my family out of the will when we moved to Ohio.
There must be something you can do.
Take two ice cubes and call me in the morning.
Very funny.
You'll be laughing at my funeral.
I tell you, I'm gonna die.
Courage, Camille.
I think I got something for you.
This is a brand-new, top-secret experimental drug.
It keeps the body at a constant comfortable temperature no matter what the weather's like.
Gimme one.
Gimme one, and I'll give ya anything you want.
Just keep it a secret.
Now only take one a day.
- You don't wanna get pneumonia.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Tell me, Dr.
Cronkite comes winter, do you have something that will keep me warm? - Ah, I just gave him a placebo.
- Really? And it's working already.
It cured us of him.
Folks, can I have your attention for a moment, please? The next round of drinks is on me.
That's because it's also the last round.
The 4077 th from now on is on the wagon.
On the wagon? I don't like it much myself but these orders came straight from General Rothaker.
And unfortunately, he's got the regs and two stars on his side.
So this is how it is.
No booze on base.
What's the big deal? We'll all go to Rosie's.
Sorry, folks.
Rosie's bar and any other off-campus dives you can think of are off-limits.
So my advice for now is drink that final one real slow.
It's gotta last ya.
The only good thing about being here is that we're able to drink and forget we're here.
Uh, we still have the still.
Oh.
Shall we take a stroll by the light of the silvery moonshine? Mmm.
I'm gonna go in there and pour my heart out.
I'll drink to that.
No, you won't.
It's gone.
Damn it.
Wait.
They left a ransom note.
"Sorry, boys, but I've had to impound your hoochmobile "for the duration of Rothaker's stay.
Reluctantly, Colonel Potter.
" Lousy revenuers.
- Gentlemen.
- Quiet, Charles.
I'm looking for the liquor ads.
I thought you went to see Sahara tonight.
Indeed, I did.
But, alas, I had to leave when the film broke which was about two seconds after I ripped it from the projector.
And I would have been here sooner but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience.
My, my.
What has become of your wino's erector set? Potter took it.
Rothaker has declared prohibition.
Hey, hey, hey.
Listen to this.
- "Blue movie banned in Boston.
" - What? "The Moon is Blue, starring David Niven, William Holden "and Maggie McNamara has been banned from local theaters due to its suggestive nature.
" Philistines.
They said the same thing about Babette Meets the Fleet.
Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos bear in mind Boston would have banned Pinocchio.
"The Otto Preminger film failed to receive a production code seal of approval when he refused to delete sexually explicit scenes and dialogue.
" - This is a work of art.
- Sexually explicit scenes.
- And dialogue.
- We've gotta see this.
What's the name of that guy in Special Services Bannister works for? - Uh, Frankenheimer.
- We gotta call him first thing and get this movie.
"Sexually explicit scenes.
" And dialogue.
- Yeah.
Oh Okay.
- What? What? Well, Bannister did everything he could, but it's no-go.
Frankenheimer's not taking calls from anybody but top brass.
Why don't we forget the movie and just have a sweating contest? Hi, guys.
Nice day, isn't it? Will you look at him? He's "sheveled.
" Klinger, have you been seeing an air conditioner behind our backs? No need to, Doc.
Thanks to those pills, I'm cool as a cucumber.
I'm going for coffee.
Can I get you a cup? - Coffee? - What are you, crazy? Looks like I've discovered the cure for the common hot.
I wish you'd never told me those pills weren't real.
I'd be taking one with my coffee.
- Hi, kid.
- Hi.
What do you got there? Sahara.
We're bringing it back to Major Frankenheimer.
We wanted to deliver it personally, make sure nothing happened to it.
- You guys can't go in there.
- Perfect.
Can you say that again, louder? - Huh? - Trust us.
Just do it.
Hey, you guys can't go in there.
- Louder.
- Hey, you guys can't go in there! See? Now you're off the hook.
- Close the door.
- This looks like Busby Berkeley's dressing room.
- What's goin' on? - We're returning your movie.
The characters are interesting, but the story's a little choppy.
Who are you guys? Hunnicutt and Pierce, the doctors who killed vaudeville.
We're from the 4077 th MASH, your favorite dumping ground for all the movies you love to hate.
- Wait a minute.
Why am I shivering? - Because it's not hot.
Hey! How do you rate an air conditioner? 'Cause I store film here.
You gotta keep this stuff cool, babe.
Hold it.
You're not a general or a producer.
I don't have to answer your questions.
Well, allow us just one.
Why do you keep sending us the same old movies? What are you talkin' about? I send you medicos the finest product available.
What do you want? Well, why didn't you say so? General Madsen, how are ya? High Noon.
Yes, sir.
I got a print of that.
Saving it just for you.
Uh-huh.
You and the senator will love it.
Let's have lunch some time.
Ciao.
So, us medicos get the best product available, huh? All right, all right.
But you guys work the front lines.
- Nobody up there's on my A-list.
- Frankenheimer, let's talk turkey.
And believe me, you've made us authorities on that subject.
But you can make up for it.
We want a movie called The Moon Is Blue.
Are you kidding? That's the hottest property in the Far East.
- I know.
I know.
That's why we want it.
- Forget about it.
No chance.
Will you guys beat it? You're startin' to bother me.
Let's throw away the script and ad-lib a little.
What's that supposed to mean? Suppose you turned away for a minute to, say, uh, adjust the air conditioner and then when you turned back, right there on your desk were two $20 bills.
Make it a 20 and a 10.
Would that take care of the handling and delivery charges for The Moon Is Blue? I am appalled nay, offended, that you would even make such an offer.
- Hey, no offense.
- We weren't trying to bribe you.
I'll say you weren't.
That kinda money wouldn't get ya my Hoover Dam vacation movies.
- Well, what would it take? - A miracle.
Hugo Reneke, my distributor in Tokyo he's got that film booked out for the next two wars.
- Can't you talk to him? - I'd love to.
The phony little creep won't take my calls.
- What if we can get to him? - Fine.
Fine.
You do that.
You have him ship the movie to me and the same day, I'll ship it out to you.
And while you're at it, ask him for the Mona Lisa.
Now, will you guys please get outta here? I have things to do.
- We don't want to use too much of your cool air.
- Out.
- Does this mean we're not having lunch, babe? - Out.
- We sure put him in his place.
- Which is a lot cooler than this place.
Welcome back to the tropics.
Any luck in there? Ah, he gave us the cold shoulder.
I gotta admit, it was nice while it lasted.
- Bannister, are you all right? - Relax, pal.
Frankenheimer didn't blame you.
That's not it.
I just got off the phone with a friend who fixed me up with a date.
- Yeah? - With a girl.
Now I gotta call her.
- Terrific.
- Oh, you gotta be kidding.
I can't take her out.
I can't even call her to tell her I can't take her out.
I'm pathetic.
No, you're not.
You're just a little shy, that's all.
A little? Oh, come on, Doc.
This is like a disease.
Disease, huh? You know, Bannister, it's funny you should mention that.
One of these can give you more confidence than all the deodorants ever produced.
- Oh.
Sounds good to me.
- Take it easy with those things.
They're very potent.
We don't want to turn you into an egomaniac.
Yeah.
I took two yesterday, and now I'm so terrific, I can hardly stand myself.
B-5.
That's "B," as in blessed, 5.
Rats.
All I need is B-4.
I'm sorry to bother you, Colonel but we're down to a three-day supply of codeine.
When is "I" Corps gonna replace those sugar pills? I called them this morning.
According to their records, they sent us codeine.
I told them we got sugar pills instead.
I even sang them a few choruses of the four-letter serenade.
They still say it's codeine.
"O,"as in Old Testament - Monkey muffins! - Are we gonna get it? Don't worry.
I'll call again tomorrow.
I'll keep calling until I get results.
I hope you can work it out, sir.
Not much I can do.
It's a game of luck.
Come on, B-4.
"N," as in Nebuchadnezzar 38.
What do you think you're doing? I'm marking my card.
I have N-38.
That may very well be your number but that is my bean.
Well, pardon me, sir, but I don't see your name on it.
No.
No.
Nevertheless, it came from my side of the pile.
Major, all the beans are the same.
No.
No.
Let me show you the difference.
These are your beans.
These are my beans.
Okay.
Okay.
Excuse me for living.
There is no excuse for your living.
Those are my beans! Looks to me, Major, like somewhere out there is a butterfly net with your name on it.
Well, what do you expect? It's 150 degrees in here.
I haven't had anything refreshing to eat or drink for over a week.
Besides which, those are my beans.
You're perfectly right.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement.
Effective immediately, those are Major Winchester's beans.
Thank you.
Told ya.
Poor slob's crazed from the heat.
- It's all yours, Padre.
- Thank you, Colonel.
"B," as in Bathsheba - 14.
- Bingo! Damn Sam! I think we ought to take five.
We have fruit punch and, uh, assorted nuts.
Okay.
Let's play bingo.
Klinger, how can you dress like that on a day like this? Don't worry, sir.
I know you want to keep the lid on this.
I haven't told a soul about these little white miracle pills - that Captain Pierce has been working on.
- Pierce, huh? I wanna be the first to tell ya it works.
Here I stand, a guinea pig that isn't sweating like one.
I'd better have a little confab with your family physician as soon as he returns.
- Is there something I should know, sir? - Not really, you lucky devil.
The less you know, the better.
Home is where the heat is.
- Evening, gents.
- Hi, Colonel.
How 'bout this weather? It's hot, especially under my collar.
Where do you get off passing out those placebos? I figured what Klinger didn't know would help him.
The only way I'm gonna get real codeine is if I can show them that what they sent us is placebos.
And I can't do that if Klinger keeps gulping them down.
As of now, the pharmacy is closed! Looks like the only draft around here is coming out of Klinger's mouth.
Nothing keeps in this weather, especially a secret.
- Wait a minute, sirs.
I need to talk to you.
- Klinger, about those pills - Shh.
That's a secret.
- Oh.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- That's why I wanted to see ya.
I needed some more.
- More.
Look, Klinger I just took my last one, and I wanna thank you.
They saved my life.
Look at me.
I'm a human being again.
You guys are terrific.
Yeah.
Well, see, further research has revealed that one pill lasts for a whole week.
Gee, I I've taken four.
- You mean I'm safe for a month? - Exactly.
Gee, that's great.
How'd it go with Frankenheimer? It didn't.
He's just a middleman.
The only guy who can get his hands on that film is some distributor in Tokyo.
Well, you can't quit now.
What's his name? Hugo Reneke.
What difference does it make? Look.
I owe you guys a favor.
Let me make a few calls to the underground clerks' network.
I'm sure whoever this guy is, he's got a back that can be scratched.
Scratch away.
Captain.
Captain, we're in business.
Show business.
- What are you talking about? - The Moon Is Blue.
- We're getting The Moon Is Blue.
- Oh, that's terrific.
You got to Reneke? How'd you do it? - Oh, I put out a few feelers.
- Yeah, and? Does the name General Zimmer's wife mean anything to you? - Uh, no.
- No.
Well, it sure does to Hugo Reneke.
He's got a skeleton in his closet - and it's hanging right next to Betty Zimmer's nightie.
So I called him up, said, "Betty Zimmer sends her best.
" The next thing I knew, he was sending us his best.
The Moon Is Blue will be Frankenheimer's first mail call tomorrow morning.
And I'll be his first phone call.
Got it right here, Pierce.
I don't know how you guys did it.
You deserve a medal.
Just seeing that movie will be thanks enough.
Put it on a chopper and have it here this afternoon.
Are you kidding? I got a waiting list a mile long.
And there's nobody lower than two stars on it.
You promised if we got our hands on it you'd send it right over.
That's the movie business, babe.
Always a heartbreak.
But to show you I'm a sweetheart, I'm gonna send ya a print of State Fair.
It's a great flick.
You'll love it.
Ciao, Doc.
Boy, seeing that picture sure would make up for all the heat we've got and all the drinks we ain't.
- How 'bout if I throw some rank around? - No, forget it.
Birds, bars and clusters mean nothing to this guy.
He's strictly into general delivery.
Too bad.
Till we lost the booze, I never realized how rotten the water is.
Well, I gotta make my daily codeine call.
Those phony pills are giving me a real headache.
Speaking of pills, why don't we go check on our other patient? Hey, I'm glad you called, Doc.
Remember that blind date I told you about? Well, a little while after I took that pill you gave me I guess it started to take effect.
I actually had enough nerve to call her, and she sounded real nice.
We're, uh, going out tonight.
Hey, that's great.
I knew you could do it.
Listen, I got a little favor to ask you.
Your boss is sending us State Fair.
All I want you to do is switch the label with The Moon Is Blue.
Oh, sure.
Anything for you guys.
After all, those little pills changed my life.
Well, I'll tell ya something.
You changed your life.
Those little white pills were nothing.
They have no medicinal value whatsoever.
It's all in your head.
You mean those guts were my guts? - Yes, yes.
Exactly.
- Well, what do you know? Have a good time tonight, tiger.
Boy, you think it's hot around here now, wait'll that movie gets here.
W- Wait a minute.
Those little white pills you gave him - Are they the same little white pills you gave me? - Yes.
The ones with no medicinal value whatsoever? Whatsoever.
Well, thanks a lot for nothing.
Klinger, it's all in your head.
Just don't be hot.
Don't be hot? What do you think I am, an idiot? I can't wait.
These people are expecting quality, and they're gonna get smut.
Won't they be thrilled? You boys'll be happy to hear the codeine is on its way.
Terrific, Colonel.
How'd you pull that off? Somebody stole the placebos that were supposed to be codeine.
Since "I" Corps insisted it was codeine to begin with I told them that's what was stolen.
They said, "No problem.
We'll send you a new shipment tomorrow morning.
" Any idea who the thief was? I'd love to shake his hand and say thank you.
You're welcome.
Well, enough of business.
Now for some pleasure.
I think this movie is gonna be more entertaining than you ever imagined.
And I think you boys are in for a bigger treat than you expect.
Uh, fellow movie buffs, as we all know our scheduled movie for tonight is State Fair.
However, thanks to the efforts of General Rothaker who put in a call to a certain movie bigwig in Seoul we will not be seeing State Fair tonight.
Ah, no.
But instead, he coaxed them into sending us a piece of entertainment of a rather sophisticated nature.
I give you The Moon Is Blue.
Roll 'em.
Now you're sure you don't mind coming.
- Quite sure.
- No qualms.
Not a qualm in the world.
And I'm not reflecting on your virility either.
Let's leave my virility out of this.
I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Boys are so funny.
They're not the least bit flattered to be trusted.
Pardon me, lady.
But what makes you trust him so implicitly? I guess it sounds kind of corny, but I think he's a man of honor.
A girl can tell.
I got three daughters.
I only hope they can tell too.
Oh, thank you, mister.
You know, for what I learn on that trip my psychiatrist would charge me at least 25 bucks.
- I'm so glad you don't mind.
- Mind what? Well, men are usually so bored with virgins.
I'm so glad you're not.
I'm outraged! It's a disgrace.
I've never seen a cleaner movie in my life.
There was more filth and dirt in this morning's breakfast.
Well, one of the actors did say "virgin.
" That's because everyone was.