My Family (2000) s11e08 Episode Script

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) I just need a moment alone with my mother.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Certainly I am.
I mean, how can they charge pay and display outside a church? -I meant Mum.
She's pretty upset.
-Hmm? -Oh, yeah.
-It didn't help that Dad led the funeral cortage through the McDonald's drivethrough.
I was hungry! Was it really the time for a Happy Meal? Yeah, it's what Grace would have wanted.
(SIGHING) Yeah, I still don't know why we didn't give Gran a cremation.
Set her alight with all that booze inside her? She'd have gone off like Krakatoa.
Look, I know how this is a moment for us to grieve, to muse upon the fragility of life and to contemplate our own mortality, but that guy's butt deserves a ceremony all on its own.
Why don't you ask him out? I don't even know if he's gay.
Oh, he's gay all right.
How do you know? Trust me, little brother, I can tell.
I've been studying men a whole lot longer than you have and And over the years, I've developed a bit of a sixth sense about these things.
He turned you down, didn't he? Because he's gay.
Deirdre McAllister.
I knew your mother.
We were members of the same erotic cinema club.
Nice to meet you.
Would you possibly tell me how Grace went? Well, seeing as you asked.
Mum was backpacking around Australia when she decided to join a group bungee jump with some Samoan bodybuilders.
Naturally, the bungee couldn't take the strain.
It snapped halfway down sending them all spiraling into the river below.
They survived the fall but The water was crocodile infested.
My brother went the same way.
Hello, Susan.
Hello.
It's good to see you again.
And you.
Sorry we're meeting in these circumstances.
Yes.
I'm sorry we've obviously met before but I've forgotten your name.
It's Arthur.
Ah.
My father's was called Arthur.
He still is.
No, he died 30 years ago.
No, he didn't.
Yes, he did.
He disappeared at sea.
On a trip to the South Pacific.
Yes, that's right.
How do you know so much about my father Arthur, Arthur? Susan, it's me.
Mum, here, drink this, okay? -Dad.
-Hmm.
Listen, mum and Arthur aren't speaking.
Shouldn't you go and talk to him? You know the rules, Janey.
I don't converse with people at social events.
(SIGHING) Yeah, but, Dad, he's your father-in-law.
Yeah, it still applies.
Fine.
Then you can just stay here with me and talk about all my ex-boyfriends.
In chronological order.
Okay, yeah, okay.
All right, Arthur? Having a good time? (CHUCKLING) Yeah.
She hates me, doesn't she? Yeah, it's, uh (CLEARING THROAT) Hard to say really.
Does she always stare at people in that manner? Mmm-hmm, try going to sleep while she's doing it.
I can hardly blame her.
I abandoned her and her mother and disappeared for 30 years.
Really? 30 years? (WHISTLING) You what? Just like that? I mean (EXHALING) That's a How did you do it? I mean, how did you do it exactly? I mean, you can be as specific as you want here.
-I beg your pardon -I mean, was it difficult when you left them, you know? I mean, theoretically, would it be difficult just to sort of take off as it were, you know, or You know, change one's passport details.
Why are you so interested? Oh, I was told to make chit-chat.
Hey, hey, hey.
Susie.
Susan.
Susan, we'll have to talk eventually.
Why did you come back? Today of all days.
Oh, I didn't want to miss saying goodbye to your mother.
We all thought you died at sea.
Well, my vessel did capsize, but I was saved by a passing trawler.
How could you just leave everything behind? What was so much better? I travelled the world, salvaging shipwrecks, earning millions.
How could a wet afternoon in Chiswick High Road compare to that? We have a Tesco Metro now.
Look, Mike, I went to all the trouble to bring him here.
Just go over to him.
What if he doesn't fancy me? I couldn't take a bad rejection.
Oh, don't worry, he's an undertaker.
He'll be used to breaking bad news.
Oh, come on, Mike.
Come on, just give it a try.
Look, you're good looking, you're bright, and you've got a great personality, yeah? -Wow, thanks.
-Come on.
Yeah, just don't say too much, don't let him see your right side and (SNIFFING) stay downwind of him.
-Hi.
-Hey.
So you're in the funeral business.
What's it like? (EXHALING) It's a living.
(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING) -Michael -Uh, Sean.
I'm sorry, was there something you wanted? Well, I was just wondering, if say I wanted to buy a coffin.
What base material would you recommend? (EXHALING) Well, panelled oak and mahogany are very popular.
But they're also in the region of £2,000.
Well, I'm not ''coffing'' up that much.
(LAUGHING) Sorry.
So you're interested in coffins? What? Is someone dying? Only me.
You're dying? Yes, Sean.
-How -Yes, I am.
God, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm so, so sorry.
I didn't even realise you were sick.
Oh, I'm sick all right.
Uh, listen I really should tell you.
What I said just now, I'm not actually ill.
Uh I'm really ill.
Really, really ill.
Right, well, I think I'll I'll turn in, mmm-hmm.
-Arthur? -Hmm? Um, what about Brazil? -What? -You know, vis-a-vis emigration thing? You know, 'cause the old Portugese isn't too shabby and I turn a nice shade of bronze in the sun.
Okay, got you, talk to you later, okay.
All right, darling.
I know, I know.
It's been a very rough day.
So anything you don't drink, just tip it back in the bottle, okay? Good night.
(CLEARING THROAT) So what do you think of Ben? The man is a shallow, uncouth, mean imbecile with all the charm of a Third World dictator.
You hardly know him.
Yet I can't disagree with any of it.
Did you see him at the graveside? You're meant to sprinkle the earth onto the coffin, not kick it in with your feet and mumble, ''Let's get out of here.
'' Look, I could sit and listen to you insult my husband all night but I'm sorry, Susan.
No, no, I really could but I'm tired and it's been an emotional day.
I had such high hopes for you.
I thought you would have ended up with someone worthy of you.
Instead, you've been dragged down to his level.
Become embroiled in the same spirit-sapping, insidious grief pit.
It's called marriage.
I'm going to bed.
I'll give you one million, Susan.
£1 ,000,000 to divorce him.
What? Over the years, I have given money to hundreds of worthy causes, but this will be the best million I've ever spent.
Are you seriously offering me £1 ,000,000 to divorce Ben? -That's right.
-Well, that's outrageous.
You can't put a price on a 30-year bond.
Everything has its price.
Well, not my life partner, my best friend, my one true soulmate.
I'm clearly not as shallow as you think I am.
Two million? Well? Just give me a minute.
You know, Susan, I really hit it off with your dad tonight.
Yeah, it's funny how sometimes people just (SNAPPING FINGERS) click, you know.
Good man, Arthur, good man, yes.
Someone I could really admire.
-The man's completely flawed, Ben.
-Hmm? He ran away from his family and his responsibilities.
And the flaws were? Look, I don't like saying this but he wasn't exactly complimentary about you.
-Really? What did he say? -Oh, no, no, no, forget it, forget it.
Wasn't even worth mentioning.
The sooner Dad's gone, the better.
Oh, okay.
(BEN CLEARING THROAT) SUSAN: I mean it's ridiculous, really.
Almost laughable, actually.
If it's so ridiculous, why don't you tell me? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's crazy, forget it, forget it.
SUSAN: He offered me £2,000,000 to divorce you.
He thinks I'm only worth 2,000,000 quid? What an insult? £2,000,000! I told you it wasn't worth mentioning.
I'm telling you, Susan.
I mean, he thinks he can pay someone off for a measly £2,000,000.
Come on, please! That would be paid straight into our account? (LAUGHING MOCKINGLY) Two million pounds.
All the same, £2,000,000 is an awful lot, Ben.
I'm saying it, Susan, because it is (STAMMERS) Two million pounds! -Ridiculous.
-It is, isn't it? Absolutely.
I mean, having said that Couples nowadays don't really have to be married, do they? True.
I mean, you know, it's only a piece of paper, when all's said and done.
-Also, true.
-(CLEARING THROAT) I mean, we know in our hearts we love each other, don't we? We do? Oh, we do.
I mean, our marriage can survive anything.
Anything, even Even divorce.
We're seriously considering this? Taking my father's money? I mean, he left you 30 years ago, Susan.
He owes you that money.
But it's absurd.
But it won't mean anything.
It's only for show.
(SIGHING) I don't know, we get divorced, take the money and then get married again.
You know (EXCLAIMING) Victimless crime.
(LAUGHING) God, you're good.
-Susan Harper.
-Oh, this is all so sudden.
Would you make me the happiest man -in the world? -I can't believe this is happening.
Would you do me the honour? I will.
Would you do me the honour? I will.
Susan, please divorce me.
Oh, Ben, you don't know how long I've been waiting to hear those three little words.
-Come here.
-No, no, Ben.
Not before the divorce.
Okay.
So let me get this straight.
You want a divorce.
As soon as possible.
-On what grounds? -What do you recommend? (LAUGHING) Well, it's not for me to recommend.
You're the ones who want a divorce.
-What's the most popular? -Hmm.
Irreconcilable differences is the most common.
Well, that's a bit bland, isn't it? I mean, after 30 years Do you have anything a bit spicier? Well, there's desertion but you have to have lived apart for two years.
Ah, well, I have slept in the spare room a couple of times.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Yes, um, I get the impression you're not taking this very seriously.
-BOTH: Oh, we are, we are.
-We loathe each other.
(LAUGHING) Absolutely.
(LAUGHING) I know, I know.
How about adultery? -(GASPING) Oh, yes, well done.
-Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
And which one of you has been adulterous? BOTH: Me.
You? Who with? George Clooney.
Oh, yes, oh (CHUCKLING) Uh, me, uh, with Katie Price.
Hmm, how about them apples? So you want those names published in the petition? Published? Well, it was a bit dark and I couldn't have been too sure.
No, no, and Katie Price really wouldn't want the publicity.
So what else have you got? Look, this isn't a fast-food restaurant.
You're meant to come in here with a reason.
Okay, all right, fine.
Irreconcilable differences.
Agreed? -Oh, agreed.
-Fine.
And, of course, we're going to have to sort out the division of assets.
Well, that will take ages.
Can't we do this here and now? Well, it would speed things up if one of you were prepared to hand over all the assets to the other one.
Oh, that's the cabbage, fine.
I'll take everything.
Bish-bash-bosh, where do I sign? Hang on, hang on, why do you take everything? It's just a technicality, Susan.
Oh, fine, well, I'll take everything.
I'll draw up the documents.
Though, I'm inclined to say, ''Would you like fries with that?'' (BOTH LAUGHING) So how many days before we get divorced? Oh, try months.
You have to wait for the decree to come through.
No, no, no, no, no, no, we need the divorce today.
(LAUGHING) That can't be done.
There's a six-week grace period and then it becomes a formal procedure.
Right, well, can we have a note or something? Well, it's just that we want to show her dad.
(SIGHING) I can write you an invoice for filing the documents.
Good, perfect, that's great.
You're very, very nice.
Yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHS) This is the happiest day of my life.
(BOTH LAUGHING) -Oh, the air tastes so fresh.
-I know.
(CHUCKLING) You wait for something for so long, you never think it's gonna be this good but, honestly, this is so much better.
-Not too much? -A bit, yeah.
So, Mike, I never asked.
How was your undertaking with the undertaker? Not bad.
We had a long chat and at the end of it, he gave me a big hug.
Oh, well done, you.
Sounds like you two might have a future together, hmm? Not much of a future.
I told him I was dying.
Michael, that never worked with the girls.
I panicked.
I thought there was more chance of him liking me if I was Dead? It's always good to have a shared interest.
(SIGHING) It made sense at the time.
No, that's you two finished, then.
Actually, no, he's called me three times.
So he's either interested or he wants your measurements.
-Tell you what, my dear.
-(LAUGHING) You've put on a few pounds since we last did this.
Or my muscles have got weaker.
Oh, never mind, nothing can ruin this day.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING) Sorry but what's going on? BOTH: We're getting divorced.
(LAUGHING) -Finally.
-Good for you.
Thanks for you support but it's not a proper divorce.
No, we're doing it for your grandad's benefit, okay.
-So where is he? -In there watching telly.
Oh, great.
Now listen.
Your father and I are going to stage a nasty argument and we need you to play along.
-I don't understand.
-Just act as if you're playing us off against each other.
Uh, no, Mum, I'm sorry but I don't want any part of your freak show, okay? Mmm, he's gonna pay us two million quid if we divorce.
-(SIGHING) I'm in.
-Good.
What about you, Michael? -What? -Is everything all right? I lied to somebody, Mum.
Someone I have feelings for.
Just to get them to like me.
He's a Harper.
Haven't we always taught you, Michael, to be yourself? Your decency and your inner core is what people respond to, not cheap lies.
You're right.
The next time I see him, I'll tell him the truth.
Good for you, darling.
Honesty is the best policy.
Now if you'll excuse us.
We have to go and cheat your grandad out of two mil.
Okay, you ready, you old hag? -What? -I'm just getting into character.
I want you out of my life! No, I want you out of mine.
-Neanderthal.
-You harpy! -You make me sick.
-You're a pain in the arse.
You're crap in bed.
Please, boundaries.
-You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
-You'll be hearing from mine.
Mmm.
I said, ''You'll be hearing from mine.
'' Oh, great, great.
Just don't tell me I've wasted my performance.
Performance? Is that what you're callling it? It was a very good performance and I knew my lines.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, but I was word perfect.
Oh, and so over the top.
Oh, how dare you.
Arthur? Arthur? Ben, I think there's been an accident.
Well, go easy on the man, he's getting on a bit.
No, no, not that kind.
He's gone.
Wasn't our acting, was it? (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, anyone else getting the feeling of deja vu? Sean? Hi, Michael.
Fancy grabbing a coffee? I've got something to tell you.
This is really not a good time for me.
You've just come out of a relationship, haven't you? No, I'm carrying your dead grandfather.
Idiot.
There's something I've been meaning to tell you.
I phoned dad's solicitor.
And? Dad was broke.
It was all a lie.
All right.
So the man who left his family, faked his own death, and changed his identity was a liar.
(SCOFFING) Who saw that coming? -Nice to see you.
-Hello.
Thanks for coming.
(CLEARING THROAT) Well, perfect.
We filed the divorce for nothing.
Show a little compassion, will you? I've just been orphaned.
You're a middle-aged woman, Susan, not Annie.
I can't believe I've lost both of them.
-Both millions.
-Both parents.
Parents.
Sorry, that's what I meant.
-Hey.
-Thought that would be you.
-Come again? -Inside it.
Why would I be inside Oh, the whole dying thing, right.
What did you want to talk about? Um, well, the thing is (STAMMERS) Yes, Michael.
Uh, I forget.
The memory loss is another one of my symptoms and actually needing physical comfort constantly.
Your family really have shaky health, don't they? I know.
Tragic.
Tragic.
So you free to go out tomorrow? You sure you're well enough to be going out? I want to live every day as if it's my last.
Oh, you're so brave.
I am, aren't I? You know, the only thing that gets me through these days? A hug.
Come here, you.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Please stop that, Susan, you're creeping me out.
I just feel so dirty.
We've sacrificed our marriage for money.
I'm so disappointed.
I know.
I know.
But money would have been brilliant.
The only thing that makes your heart beat fast is the thought of £2,000,000.
Aren't you at all guilty about what we've done? I suppose you're right.
Yeah, okay, okay.
We better go down and cancel the divorce.
Oh, do me a favour, why don't you? If it's gonna be a burden for you That's not what I meant and you know it.
I am into this marriage, like you, wholeheartedly.
And I will go down to that solicitor's office whenever your precious, little heart so desires.
How about Thursday? Uh, golf.
-Friday? -Ah, getting a haircut.
Sergio's managed to fit me in.
Oh, well, if it's going to inconvenience Sergio, let's just go through with the divorce.
No, no, no, no, no, he's very busy.
-Oh, Ben.
-I mean, you can't Susan If you just Look.
I'm sorry but things are really taking off with him right now.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Hey.
Hey.
I really appreciate the lift, Janey.
I can't be late for my first date with Sean.
You mean your last date.
Due to the small matter that you'll be dead by next Tuesday? Will you just drop it, please? No, seriously, Michael, it's beautiful.
I mean, boy meets gay undertaker, boy pretends he's dying to dupe gay undertaker into liking him, boy can't tell him the truth or gay undertaker will kill boy for real.
It's a story as old as time itself.
Hey, where are you two off to? -Do you really care? -No overly.
Just being polite.
Ta-ra.
Hello.
Mmm-hmm.
You're sitting in my chair.
Your chair? And you've done my crossword.
I think you'll find it's my crossword, and I think you'll find I've done it in half the time it takes you.
Okay, what's going on here? Don't you remember when we filed for the divorce? You said you'd give everything to me.
I also said I slept with Jordan.
Technically, I'll own everything here.
You can keep your clothes.
I'm not completely heartless or tasteless.
Susan, you're being ridiculous.
You don't value our marriage at all.
All you care about is money.
No.
(STAMMERS) I value Isn't it okay to value both? Hey, darling.
My love.
Would you make me the happiest man in the world (FALTERING) and mm Undivorce me.
-Well -My knee's starting to spasm.
-Oh, fine.
-Fine.
Good.
-If -If If you sign this.
What's this? It's says I retain ownership of everything here, even if the divorce gets cancelled.
It's called a post-nup.
But this is ridiculous, I'm not signing this.
-No? -No.
Look, Ben.
I'm not asking for the world.
All I'm asking for is one romantic gesture.
-Would that kill you? -All right.
You can sit in my chair.
I don't want your chair! I want you to sign this.
What could be more romantic than a man giving up everything for the woman he loves.
It's called sacrifice.
Why can't I just slit a goat's throat on an altar somewhere? (THUNDER CRACKING) Listen, Ben, I realised last night that we've lost touch with what makes marriage important, and you could lose a lot of very valuable things including the one possession that should be more important to you that any other.
Yeah, okay, what the hell? Hey, I'm not gonna meet anyone else at my age, am I? Fine, fine, I'll sign it.
I just want things to go back to the way they were, okay? I love you.
And I don't care if I don't have anything as long as I have you.
And, hey, I do love you, by the way.
Thank you.
Now what are you doing? I've got what I wanted.
We've got our confetti.
Let's go to the solicitors right now.
No, but I tee off in an hour.
(THUNDER CRACKING) Okay, let's go.
I'm ready.
So you don't have a boyfriend, then? No.
There just don't seem to be guys out there who fit what I'm looking for.
For me, the two really important qualities are a good sense of humour and, most of all, honesty.
Yeah, a good sense of humour is really important, isn't it? Look, I should say now.
I just don't think I can get involved with you, Michael.
I'd be too distraught when you go.
So, hypothetically, if, say, I had a clean bill of health, you'd be interested in me.
Hypothetically.
Of course, I would, silly.
(LAUGHING) Hmm, okay, well.
I might be party to some information that could flip this whole crazy situation on its head.
Really? What is it? I might not be dying exactly.
What do you mean? I sort of made up a bit of it.
-What bit? -The dying bit.
Phew! (SIGHING) I'm glad we've got that out of the way.
Now we can be together.
Yay for us.
High five? You missed.
So let me get this straight.
You want to cancel the divorce? -You sure? -Absolutely.
-I was talking to her.
-Uh, sorry.
Of course, that's what we want.
We're just two crazy kids in love.
And I love her, blah, blah, blah.
He's my soulmate, blah, blah, blah.
Till death us do part, et cetera, et cetera.
It's Romeo and Juliet all over again.
Plus, we want to re-establish the fifty-fifty property split.
But, of course, that's not the most important thing.
But, of course, that's not the most important thing.
But if I could get it in writing anyway.
So the all-in price for cancelling the divorce comes out at £1 ,250.
But, of course, couples nowadays don't really have to be married (CLEARING THROAT) I'll write a cheque.
Well, I hope I never have another week like that.
No, you won't.
You haven't got any more parents left.
No, that came out all wrong, sorry.
I'm serious, Ben.
I don't think I could take any more.
-(SUSHING) It's all right.
-(SNIFFING) (BOTH CRYING) Oh, I know, it's been very emotional.
(SUSHING) You're not crying about my parents, are you? You can't prove that.