Two and a Half Men s11e08 Episode Script

Morning.
Morning.
Ooh, Cap'n Crunch.
That's the only man I put in my mouth.
It puts my relationship with Orville Redenbacher in a whole different light.
I'm partial to the U.
P.
S.
guy.
We're making food jokes here.
The U.
P.
S.
guy's not food.
He is if you cover him with whipped cream.
What can I say? There's just something about a man in brown shorts.
Okay, I'm in big trouble.
Speaking of a man with brown shorts.
What's wrong? Well, I just got a call from Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry.
And he wants to see me.
Well, he wants to see Jeff Strongman.
Who's Jeff Strongman? Oh, Jeff Strongman is Alan's alter ego he uses to meet Larry and fight crime.
Wait, so, you use a fake name to sneak around with other men? Where do you guys meet? A Lady Gaga concert? It was a spin class if you must know.
Now, what am I gonna do? I told you something like this was gonna happen.
"I told you something like this was gonna happen.
" Look, I am serious-- he wouldn't tell me why he wanted to see me and he sounded pretty upset.
Well, what kind of world are we living in where a guy is upset with another guy for banging his girlfriend? See, that's why I love being gay.
A guy finds out I'm doing his girlfriend, I don't get an angry phone call.
I get a dozen roses and a copy of the video.
Too bad I can't convince Larry I'm gay.
Come on, Zippy, you're making it too easy for us.
Oh, hey! There he is.
My main man with a winter tan.
Jeff.
Uh, I got you a coffee.
Can I get you anything else? Uh, one-one of these muffins? They're bran.
Keeps your trains running on time.
Poop-poop! I'm not hungry.
All right then, I'll just sit across from you.
Right here in front of all these witnesses.
You know my girlfriend Lyndsey? Is it Lyndsey? I thought it was Linda.
Glad you cleared that up before I saw her again which I haven't, and why would I? She's been cheating on me.
Mmm, sorry.
Just a little Why do you think she's cheating on you? I hired a private investigator to follow her.
Uh, do you mind? She's been meeting him at a house in Malibu.
Sorry, sorry, I'm just a little shocked.
Imagine how I feel.
Well, I-I can't, uh, uh, but I do know that in situations like this, it's the woman who's to blame.
She's not the only one.
Please, I have a son! This is the guy.
Wait, this is the guy? Yeah.
This is guy you think banging your girlfriend? I know he is.
And only him? Nobody else? Isn't this bad enough? Well, sure.
But, you know, there could also be another explanation.
I mean, maybe she's just lost and she's asking this guy for directions.
Right, "Excuse me, sir, can you help me find my G-spot?" It's not just this photo.
It's the late night errands.
Hiding her phone.
Plus, we haven't had sex in forever! Wow, that's rough.
I guess this guy, whoever he is, satisfies her every need.
I want to kill him.
I hate being lied to like this.
I get it, you know.
Sometimes you think you know a person, but you don't.
Panini for Strongman.
Jeff, that's you.
What? Oh, oh, yeah, that's me.
Jeff Strongman.
Someone who's not banging anyone's girlfriend.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
Oh, no, there's a stranger in my house.
And it's possibly a gay porn star from the '70s.
It's me, Alan.
I-I believe you're supposed to say, "It's-a me, a-Mario!" So, I take it things didn't go great with Larry? Well, he does know that Lyndsey's cheating on him, but the good news is he doesn't know that it's with me.
So, why do you look like one of the Village People in street clothes? Ah, well, uh, he hired a, uh, a private detective, uh, to watch the house because, uh, and here's where it gets really funny, um, uh, he thinks that Lyndsey is cheating on him with No.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! It's crazy, right? Why didn't you tell him the truth? Fear, cowardice.
Lack of a dental plan.
Uh, besides, he-he just lost Lyndsey, I didn't want him to lose his best friend.
Okay, well, you're gonna lose your best friend if you don't fix this! Oh, I'm your best friend? Alan, I am serious.
I do not want a private detective watching this house.
And I and I definitely don't want an angry boyfriend after me.
Well, you should've thought of that before you slept with Lyndsey.
I've got some work to do.
And I'm gonna go out and run some errands.
And when I get back, this better be cleaned up.
Oh, oh, don't worry, I'm on it.
Oh, oh, but just in case.
Oh, God! Is there any look you can't pull off? I'm-a gonna kill you.
Hey! Hi-ya! Oh! What the hell? Alan, what are you doing? At the moment, looking for my left ball.
Larry just dropped me off.
He could've seen you.
That's why I'm here.
Larry thinks you're having an affair with Walden.
What? Why would he think that? Well, because he he hired a P.
I.
who t a picture of the two of you together.
And by the way, it looked like it was a cold day.
You're an idiot.
I know.
So, what-what are we gonna do? Okay, look, I've done this plenty of times before.
The first thing you do is deny everything.
Right, denial.
Wait.
You've done this plenty of times before? Did you ever cheat on me? Never.
Okay, good.
Oh! Oh, it's Larry.
What does he want? Uh, well, let's see.
Uh, "Just dropped off the cheating whor Lyndsey.
" "Want to grab a drink?" Okay, you go play the sympathetic friend, calm him down.
I'll figure sothing out.
Sounds good, uh "No problem, bro.
" Uh Cocktail glass emoji.
Stall him as long as you can.
Right.
I'm sorry I kicked you in the balls-- is there anything I can do? You could kiss it and make it better.
Good-bye, Alan.
Oh, come on! It's not like I could do it myself.
God knows I've tried.
Get in the car! Rose? What are you doing? Someone's following you.
Yeah, you! There's no time for this, you're in danger.
Yeah, from you! Just get in.
Why would I get in your car? I mean, the last time I tried to trust you What? What are you looking at? You got a little spot on your shirt.
Oh.
Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! I found out more about this guy.
His name is Walden Schmidt.
More like lying sack of Schmidt.
Am I right? Turns out he's some kind of stupid Internet billionaire.
Don't you hate when guys don't work for a living like you and me? Amen, Jeff Strongman.
Hey, come on, you know, this isn't the worst thing in the world.
You're gonna bounce back.
I guess, I mean, I should've seen it coming.
I mean, she cheated on her last boyfriend with me.
Her-her last boyfriend? Yeah, I guess the guy was a real loser.
A pathetic freeloader.
Well, that's just conjecture.
I mean, you know, maybe he's a-a really great guy and she's just a crazy lying bitch.
I'm not gonna take it lying down like the pansy she was dating before me.
Is "pansy" your word or hers? Hers.
I'm going to the head.
You get the check and we'll go pay this bastard a visit.
Take your time.
No rush.
Oh, come on, Lyndsey, pick up, pick up, pick up! Of course, voice mail.
Lyndsey, things have gone from bad to worse.
Larry is gonna confront Walden, and I don't know what to do.
Call me back.
Oh, and PS-- you and I have a little issue to discuss ourselves.
Oh, and PPS-- the "P" stands for "pansy.
" Mm-hmm.
Whew.
Looks like we lost him.
What the hell is going on? Well, I'm pretty sure Larry hired a hit man.
How do you know about Larry? Because he's stalking you.
How do you know that? Because I'm stalking you.
Okay, okay, you know, this is ridiculous.
I'm calling the police.
And tell them what? We have no proof of anything.
And besides, how helpful were the police when you called them on me? Uh, I got them to issue a restraining order.
Hi.
Okay, I Uh-oh, he's back.
I don't know how he keeps finding us.
I'll tell you how.
The GPS on my cell phone.
Give me that.
I was gonna turn it off, but okay.
Hang on.
What? Why? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! That ought to do it.
Okay, you know this is nonsense! Take me home.
Okay, homeward bound.
And gagged.
And tortured for days.
Okay, well, fine, then take me to a hotel.
Beverly Hills Hotel okay? It's perfect.
And bang, you're dead.
You need to get off the grid.
Someplace they don't expect you.
A place they can't track your credit cards.
Nobody is acking my credit cards.
Oh, that wasn't you last night getting a coffee colonic? I will not apologize for a healthy colon.
Okay, here we go.
This place looks perfect.
This place is a dump.
Exactly, and it's the last place anyone would look for you.
Yeah, but it's the first place that hepatitis would look for me.
Okay, this is only temporary.
You lay low, and I will straighten this out.
Why in God's name would I trust you? Look, Walden, I know that I've caused you some tiny problems in the past, but Wha? Tiny? You pretended to be pregnant to scare my girlfriend away.
You sicced rabid ferrets on me! You tied me to my bed and tried to violate me with a leaf blower! It's so sweet you remember everything.
But I can make up for all of that now.
Look, when your sink is clogged, you call a plumber.
When your car breaks down, you call a mechanic.
When you have a dangerous psychopath after you, you call me.
All right, fine.
I am gonna kill Alan.
Oh, if you survive tonight, you should hire Larry's guy.
He's good.
Men.
Men.
Here you go.
This is, uh, this is the best room you got? It's the presidential suite.
The president of what? Crap-o-slovakia? I could offer you the honeymoon suite.
You know, if you don't mind the smell of love.
No, no this is, uh this is fine.
Uh Do you, uh, do you have room service? I might have something you might want to eat.
I don't think you do.
Listen, uh, if-if anyone comes here asking about me, I-I'm not here.
Don't worry.
No one will ever find you.
Hey, uh, if you get lonely later on, I'm in the apartment behind the building.
Yeah, okay.
It's nothing fancy, but I've got some good weed and a spa tub.
I'll, uh, keep that in mind.
There's a live feed on channel 14 if you want to check it out.
Great, now I got to hide from him, too.
This Walden guy is gonna regret the day he stole my girlfriend.
Oh, it's-it's not stealing.
It-It's more like borrowing.
Like-like renting a car.
Yeah, but when you rent a car you know there's been other guys inside it, turning the knobs, playing with the seat, shoving stuff in the trunk.
Okay, okay, maybe that's a bad analogy.
But that doesn't change the fact that going over there to confront him is not gonna help anything.
You got a better idea? Uh, I-I do.
How about you forget about Lyndsey and we go out to a bar and pick up some women.
You know, Larry and Jeff out on the prowl.
Jeff, I appreciate what you're trying to do.
But I'm afraid if I don't do this, I won't be able to live with myself.
And I'm afraid if you do this, I'll have to live by myself.
Oh, no! Channel 14! Oh, God! Who is it? It's Larry, I'm here to kill you, Walden.
Mr.
Walden, he die.
I clean room.
No, silly rabbit, it's just me.
Wha? Rose? Is that? Are you alone? Yeah, but a nice man did just invite me into his spa tub.
Here, I brought some food.
Yeah, I can't eat.
Why not? Well, because if I do, eventually I'll have to go in there.
And I'm not going in there.
Uh, so, did you find anything out? Still no sign of Larry.
He could be anywhere.
God, Alan was supposed to take care of this.
Well, yeah, he also told you he was only gonna live at your house a few days, and here we are at day 800 and Oh, I almost forgot.
I t usgoome candy bars.
Mounds for you, 'cause it's your favorite.
Aw.
Almond Joy for me 'cause, you know nuts.
Hey, why are you being so nice to me? You know, I'll admit that you hurt me.
And I did some things that I'm not proud of.
But just because you took a restraining order out against me doesn't mean that I can restrain my feelings for you.
That is the sweetest, most terrifying thing I've ever heard.
Are you really scared of me? You're not even the scariest person I've met in this room.
And the truth is, I'm-I'm not blameless.
I mean, I chose another girl over you, and look who's here with me now? I never really left you.
Literally.
File this under things I'm gonna regret.
Damn it, should've brought my leaf blower.
Oh, uh, the doorbell doesn't work.
What? I mean, uh, that-that does not work if you want to send a message that there's a man here.
Ding-dong.
"I'm gonna kick your tushie.
" You're right.
Yeah.
Oh.
Okay, now, listen, now-now, this could get crazy.
I mean, there's gonna be a lot of name calling-- uh, uh, jerk, uh, idiot, uh, Alan.
Uh Larry? Lyndsey? I know exactly what's going on between you and Walden Schmidt.
Now, where is he? Wow! This house is amazing.
Larry, this isn't what you think.
It's exactly what I think.
I have pictures.
We're standing in his house! Okay, it-it's time for me to tell you the truth.
Don't believe her! She's a cheating, drunk whore! Larry, listen to me.
I'm not here to sleep with Walden Schmidt.
I'm here to sleep with someone else.
What?! What?! Remember you told me your fantasy was to see me with another woman? Yeah? Yeah? I've arranged for your dream to come true.
You did?! You did?! Yes, that's why I rented this beautiful beach house from Walden Schmidt as a birthday surprise.
I also got us something else.
So, which one is watching us? If it's him, I'm gonna have to charge extra.
Wait a minute.
Is this for real? Happy birthday, baby.
Wow.
Wow.
A threesome.
That is quite a gift.
Well, it was last minute, and I had to think of something.
A nice cardigan wouldn't have done the trick? God, I feel so stupid.
I even hired someone to follow you.
Well, why don't you call them off, and we'll all go sit down and talk about the things you want to see? Bye, Jeff.
Yeah, bye, Jeff.
I'll send you a copy of the video.
Wait.
Thi-Thi Wait.
This is really happening? I mean, you-you-you and-and-and her? And-and and him? And-and-and here? While while I? Son of a bitch! This is crazy.
You know, I'll I'll bet if Lyndsey had been sleeping with somebody else, he'd be really, really mad.
I know.
Isn't this great, Jeff? She's not a cheating whore.
She's just a whore.
Hi.
It's Larry Martin.
Oh, hey.
Listen, I'm not going to be needing your services anymore, but I appreciate all your help.
No problem.
It was my pleasure.
Good-bye.
That was Alan.
What did he say? Well, he, uh, thanked me for protecting you.
But there's still no sign of Larry.
And as long as he's out there, you're not safe.
I'm gonna go get us some supplies.
No, don't go! We're having a good time.
You're just a sticky little honey bun, aren't you? Now, don't try to get in touch with anyone, or Larry will kill you.
Kisses.
I got to go to the bathroom.
Screw it.
I'll just pee the bed.
Rose? All right, come on, Rose.
This this It's not funny.
Larry?! Listen, we can we can we can work this out! It's-it's just a little misunderstanding.
Oh, God! I Well, that was rude.
Looks like I took a shower for nothing.
Men.
Come out, come out, wherever you are! I hate you, Jeff Strongman.