Will and Grace s11e08 Episode Script

1 "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Okay, so let's see.
You and Jenny have both had the level two ultrasound and done all the scary genetic tests.
Right.
We've taken Lamaze, baby-proofed, ordered cribs and changing tables.
Done.
Check.
You both started your prenatal Pilates and have been going twice a week for four weeks.
That's on me.
Okay, so, we'vdone everything we need to.
I think we can actually relax.
It feels so good! We are crushing pregnancy, Will.
Should we write a book about it? We could call it "Will and Grace Crush Babies.
" And get Casey Anthony to do the audiobook.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Open up, I've got a baby emergency! Larry? What are you Oh! You must be Larry's granddaughter! And your name is Wheat.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Her name is Wheat.
- So pretty.
- Beautiful name, yeah.
It's a ridiculous name.
I need your TV.
Our cable's out.
For some reason, the sound of Bobby Flay grilling meat is the only thing that puts her to sleep.
Grace too.
How's Hannah doing as a mom? She had to take a break from college, right? She dropped out to make green juice for dogs.
But Hannah always seemed so together.
Wake up, Grace.
That was all a front.
Joe and I were the first gay couple we knew with a baby, so we had to say she was perfect.
Her life went off the rails in kindergarten.
What, did she get hooked on graham crackers? And here comes Will with his jokes! We waited too long to sign her up for the best elementary school, so she didn't get in to the best high school, and after that, it was a train wreck.
I thought she went to NYU.
Northern Yonkers University.
Their motto is, "Let's call it a day.
" Don't make the same mistake.
Set your children on the right path before it's too late.
Oh, well, we did the research.
We want them to go to that school in Harlem BOTH: Global Citizens Academy.
Like, all of their kids end up going to Ivy League.
You're already signed up? Well, they're not even born yet.
Then you're already too late.
They fill up years in advance.
What? Come on, we gotta get to that school right now.
Now? I promised Jenny I'd help her with some new internet thing she's doing.
Well, send Jack, unless you want our kids to be dog-juice-making losers.
Sorry.
No, shame her mother in front of her.
She needs to learn.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC.]
[VELCRO RIPPING SLOWLY.]
Doesn't that feel so good? Oh, my God, I can totally feel the tingling on the top of my head.
Like whenever Chris Pine is in the city.
So that's the point of an ASMR video.
You make sounds that trigger responses in your brain that help you relax.
And people pay for that? Hell yeah, they do.
I once curled ribbons for 20 minutes and made 600 bucks.
How did I not know about this? I curl ribbons every day for free.
Well, I'm stoked that you're doing this, because it's much better with two people.
Just be glad it's me and not Will.
Yeah, I know we're not supposed to say this about women anymore, but Will is so shrill.
- Let's do a practice one.
- Okay.
[SOFTLY.]
So, remember to speak softly, and over-articulate your consonants.
[SOFTLY.]
Right.
It's like what my new acting teacher, Tracy Pecosta, taught me to do so that I don't sound like a homosexual.
It's bedtime, so don't forget to brush your teeth.
[BRUSHING.]
And your hair.
[BRUSHING.]
I like to do it 50 times on each side for a total of 100 times.
Well, thanks again for coming all the way out.
Honey, the ride up here was worth the ride in here.
And after what we just did, I may have to borrow that thing.
[GIGGLES.]
I can see myself out.
No way.
A gentleman always rolls a lady to the door.
True, but you, sir, are no gentleman.
No, I'm not.
There's the door, woman.
I'll see you tomorrow, Jenny.
Hey, Kar.
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
I would've asked for a ride up.
But I'm already here.
Can't argue with that.
So, uh, you and Luke, huh? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Getting a tune-up? - Oh! - Ooh, yeah! Rotating your tires? - [REVVING.]
- Woo! [LAUGHS.]
Just getting my oil changed, getting my fluids topped off.
Getting all my points and plugs adjusted.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Yeah.
We're talking about sex, right? Honey, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm helping Jenny with this ASMR thing.
Oh, fun.
I used to make those videos for Stan when he was out of town.
Nothing put that man to sleep like the bubbling of melting cheese.
Hey, we're livestreaming tomorrow.
- You should do it with us.
- Oh, I don't know, honey.
With the baseball team and all the work piling up at Grace's office I'd love to.
Oh, great! Okay.
Hey, can I get a ride back? Sorry, I'm already gone.
Just my luck.
Oh, you must be Jack.
Oh, and you're Luke.
Thank you for your service of my best friend.
I do it for God and country.
Yeah, I don't want to hear the specifics.
[HACKING IN DISGUST.]
I'm just happy she finally got herself a booty buddy.
A booty buddy? Yeah, well, since the divorce, I've been telling her she needs to find someone who's just there for sex, you know? No strings attached, no emotional blah-blah, just sex.
And that's me? Say it with pride, soldier! You're Karen Walker's boy toy! [GRUNTS.]
Her boy toy? Well, that was more wistful than, you know, pride, but you've probably never worked with a director before.
And now we're in the Hall of Mindfulness, because here at Global Citizens, we don't want our students to just be present in their attendance.
- Ooh, that's good.
- I like that.
That's good, yeah.
["ODE TO JOY" PLAYING.]
Our third-graders have a concert coming up in seven months.
Don't worry, they'll get there.
Shall we sit? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Love an alternative seat.
Why just sit when you can work your core? That structure is really cool.
The sixth-grade woodworking class built it using wood rescued from various hurricanes.
It's a permanent reminder that something beautiful can be made from tragedy.
Oh, I know.
After Hurricane Sandy, I found the most comfortable sweatshirt on the street.
[STUTTERING.]
I washed it.
Thanks for squeezing us in, Ms.
Hinder-Haagen.
This place is amazing.
I actually saw kids running into math class.
[LAUGHING.]
I hated math! Did I say math? I meant racism.
Excuse me? Headmistress Hinder-Haagen, is this a bad time? How can I help you? An issue has arisen in the robotics lab.
Our AI has become sentient.
However, its corporeal host is still in beta testing.
My God, you do that here? That's incredible! - You'll explain - Later, yeah, shh.
Farhan is our Student Admissions Liaison.
You'll be meeting with him for the second part of this process.
If I may ask, how old is your child? And how do they identify? Oh, ah, well, no children yet.
Grace's is due in April, mine in May, and my pronouns are "he" and "is terrified.
" [BOTH LAUGH.]
We didn't know there were two children.
Oh, we're not married.
We're just friends, but we both want our kids to go here.
Oh, that's going to be a problem.
For 2024 enrollment, we only have one spot available.
One? That's in five years! Mm, four years.
Four years.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
You decent? 'Cause I can wait till you're not.
What's up? Oh, I'm just helping your sister with her video, but afterward, I thought it'd be fun if we had a little picnic.
Oh, darn.
These aren't sandwiches, they're sex toys.
And a bag of chips for after, 'cause we're gonna need the potassium.
Yeah, I'm not really feeling it.
Oh.
I'm sorry, I can't be your booty call today.
Booty call? Where'd you get that idea? It doesn't matter.
I mean, we already agreed that if our kids can't go to the same school, it's not the school for us.
Right, we're a packaged deal.
Their loss, not ours.
- Didn't get in? - [BOTH SCREAM.]
Shh! I finally got Wheat to sleep.
And yes, it is 11:45 in the morning, and I'm having a drink.
If I'm still awake in 20 minutes, I'm going to take a bath.
How long are you planning on staying here? As long as that demon's unconscious.
Look, there's no way either of you were getting in to Global Citizens.
You're not diverse enough.
What are you talking about? I'm gay.
[LAUGHS.]
What do you think this is? 2009? I tried to play the gay card to get Hannah in.
CeeCee said, "Just gay?" And laughed me out of their planetarium.
Well, I'm a single mom, so.
I'm also Jewish.
So is every building on that campus.
Well, it doesn't matter, 'cause we're done with Global Citizens.
There's plenty of other good schools in this city.
You know what, you're right.
I don't even want my kid to go there.
Me neither.
I love that we always agree.
Thank you so much for seeing me again, Headmistress Hinder-Haagen.
Of course.
I know how important diversity is to this school.
It is, and your child would be diverse how, exactly? I'm just gonna bottom line it.
I don't know who the father is.
So, girl to girl, tell me what diversity you're looking for, 'cause I've probably slept with it.
You know, I know that gay is done to death, but I'm gonna make the argument that it is back in a big way.
Can you feel me, girl? I guess you cannot.
[BUTTONS CLICKING TOGETHER.]
[SOFTLY.]
Buttons.
[PLASTIC CRACKLING.]
[SOFTLY.]
Cellophane.
[PILLS RATTLING.]
[SOFTLY.]
Lorazepam.
Since we're live, if there are any sounds you would like to hear or questions you have, just hit us up.
I have a question.
Who told Luke that he was just a booty call? That was me.
Why? Why not? Do you have any idea how furious I am? It's kind of hard to tell.
I could make it clearer.
[KNUCKLES CRACKING.]
Would you two like to take this outside? Why, that's a great idea.
Or it's a bad idea, because Karen's rings leave welts.
ALL: Welts.
I had a good thing going, and you ruined it.
Stop yelling at me.
Why don't you just try being honest with my brother? I will.
But first, I would like to reach across this table and pull your balls out through your ears.
Mr.
Truman, give me one good reason why your child should have the final spot? Okay.
Okay.
We're at that part of the conversation.
I'm not above writing a check.
One to the school, and one to a certain little guy who I'm sure wants the newest Nintendo Switch.
I made $15,000 last week shorting Apple stock.
And if I want a Nintendo Switch, I'll build one.
Well, this has been very informative.
Is there anything else you can think of that would help your case? Oh, okay.
I thought we'd get here.
Just so you know, I'm not above writing a check to a certain lady who may want a new iPhone case.
I'm good.
Ah, looks like Farhan's ready to meet with you now.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
You came here behind my back? You came here behind my back! Yeah, but that's totally on brand for me.
Look, I am just trying to do what's best for my child.
Yeah, but so am I.
But let's face it, Grace, I mean, given the parents, mine is obviously gonna be a better candidate for this school.
What do you mean by that? Well, you know, it's a very academically oriented environment.
And? And I am very academically oriented.
I'm a professor at Columbia Law School.
Look, it's a little bit more than picking out tassels for throw pillows.
[GASPS.]
And there it is.
You think I'm dumb.
And you think my kid is gonna be dumb.
I do not think your kid is gonna be dumb.
Thank you.
Wait.
You just need to feel smarter because you know that everyone likes me best.
"Better" is the word you use when comparing two options.
And this is why everyone likes me best.
Oh, whatever, this isn't a school for people with more Facebook friends.
It's a school for smart people.
Well, why don't you just homeschool your kid? That way, you can teach him how to have a stick up his ass.
Excuse me? We try to keep the energy neutral in the Mindfulness Hallway.
- He started it.
- She's dumb.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
Just wanted to say good-bye.
Listen, about the whole "booty call" thing I get it.
It's not like you were coming up here once a week so we could pick out timeshares in Vermont together.
Vermont.
Like that's even a thing.
It's 'cause of this, right? Oh, honey, no.
That just makes it more fun.
It adds an element of danger, like doing it on the "Jurassic Park" ride.
The one in Orlando, not California.
The truth is, I've had a rough time this last year.
I guess a booty call is about all I can handle right now.
Well, I think I'm looking for a little more.
Are you breaking up with me? Well, you better lawyer up, you ungrateful mother Oh! Sorry, reflex.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
What I'm trying to say is, I'm glad that you're ready to get back out there.
Well, I think some of that's thanks to you.
Happy to help.
Hey.
One more for the road? Why not? This picnic's not gonna spank itself.
Well, this is humiliating.
Yes, it is.
Thanks to you.
Me? You're the one who used half the words on the forbidden word wall! Again, the Contrition Cubby is for gentle reflection, not hostility.
Well, it should have a TV.
It's my sociology project.
It's a commentary on mass incarceration.
Without personal accountability, one can never be truly free.
Fine, I'm sorry I called you dumb.
You're not.
And I'm sorry I said nobody liked you.
It's not everyone.
Just the people we know.
- We good? - No.
[SIGHS.]
I am sorry I was so selfish.
You're my entire support system through this, and the first sign of trouble, I threw you overboard.
I did the same thing to you.
No matter how much I tell myself, "My kid doesn't need two parents," I worry I won't be enough.
You know, not getting in to the right school just felt like I was already failing.
There's no part of this that I want to do without you.
Me neither.
This is more important than some fancy school.
It seems like we've had a breakthrough.
Rainbow, release them, please.
[XYLOPHONE CHIMES.]
You're free to go.
- Oh.
- Thanks.
Please leave the crayons.
Office supplies are very expensive.
You can tell Ms.
Hinder-Haagen that we are withdrawing our applications.
No need.
The last spot was just filled.
Oh, hey, guys.
Guess who just got the last place for 2024 I'm a mix race child with a single T-mom and two gays grand parents.
I'm changing her name, I don't care.