Would I Lie To You? (2007) s11e08 Episode Script

APPLAUSE Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show in which it pays to be economical with the truth.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, an athletic super star, who in 2000 was given the freedom of Wolverhampton - gift or punishment, you decide, it's Denise Lewis.
APPLAUSE And the star of Judge Rinder, who once appeared on Strictly dressed as a moth, a beautiful performance, although he did keep banging his head on the studio lights, it's Robert Rinder.
APPLAUSE And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a TV presenter who's hosted over one thousand episodes of his Pointless show.
I know how he feels, it's Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE And a comedian and presenter who had to leave her native Canada as she'd already been on both of their TV shows, it's Katherine Ryan.
APPLAUSE Hello.
And so we begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they have no idea what they'll be faced with and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Richard, you're first up tonight.
When I worked in a shoe shop, my boss was called Mr Clog.
Remarkably, I've had three other jobs where my boss' name was directly related to their profession.
- Hm.
- What? The obvious question to ask is what were those jobs and what were these people's names? Yeah, it is an obvious question, is it maybe too obvious a question? Maybe go somewhere else first, just I want to know about the first, just tell us one of the jobs.
At school I worked in a warehouse and the boss was called Mr Foreman.
Mr Foreman? OK what was your job? - My - Getting stuff down from the top shelf, obviously.
How would you rate Foreman as a boss? If he was suspicious would he grill you? Foreman? Yeah, listen.
Very good.
OK Why did you have so many jobs, did you keep getting sacked? No further questions.
- What were the other two jobs? - Yeah, what was the other jobs? I worked in, do you remember the predecessor to Iceland which - was Bejam? - Yeah.
My supervisor was called John Frost.
Frost, Bejam, you can see Bejam didn't last, because people would go, why didn't they just call it Honey? Your final job was? Well, it was my first-ever job in television.
- Right.
- And that was? It was, well, it was a researcher on a computer games programme.
- OK, and your, your boss was called? - My boss was called Tony Verrill? - What does that mean? - What's Verrill? - What does, what does Verrill mean? In relation to what? What do you mean? It's a surname, but his initials were TV.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very good, very good.
Of all these bosses that you remember, Richard, who would you say was your favourite boss, what was it about that boss that made them so adorable? Well, John Frost wasn't really my boss, so I liked him.
We had a bit more of - a bit more of a relationship.
Mr Foreman, I found that was quite stressful as it was one of my first-ever jobs, and Tony Verrill still works in the industry so I will not be passing comment.
Tony Verrill still works in the industry.
- I've never come across him.
- Yeah I've not come across Tony Verrill.
What, have you come across him, David? Um Yeah, I think I've worked with Tony Verrill.
I'm pretty sure, not 100% but, yeah.
- Do you know who Tony Verrill is? - I've no - Tony Verrill? - No, never heard of him.
- It's weird that none of us three have heard of Tony Verrill and yet all you three have heard of Tony Verrill.
- Katherine hasn't.
- Katherine hasn't.
- Katherine has or hasn't? - I haven't, but it rings a bell.
- Oh, so you sort of - What do you think, truth or lie? - Truth or a lie? The thing is I think you're almost certainly sort of geeky enough to keep a record of that sort of thing and it's the type of thing that would amuse you and you'd remember at the time on the other hand it's also the type of thing that you could quickly construct to be clever.
It's a challenging one.
- What do you think? - Lie? Yes, I think so.
- We'll have to say lie.
- You're going to say lie, OK.
- Just cos of Tony Verrill.
- Richard, truth or lie? It is A lie.
Very good.
Yes, it's a lie, Richard's never worked in a shoe shop with Mr Clog.
Denise, you're next.
Mine says possession.
Ah, OK, under your desk is a box.
If you take the object out of the box first, and then read the card, please.
This is my lucky mascot.
When competing I always made sure he travelled in an unzipped bag so he could poke his head out and breathe.
David's team.
What's his name? His name's Egbert.
- Egbert.
- Egbert.
And when did you acquire Egbert? About the age of 14.
I notice you said that you'd keep the zip open so he could breathe, which is very caring and lovely, but of course, ever since the show started he's been in that box .
.
with the lid the lid Don't worry, Denise, he'll be all right! So when, when did you first take it? So presumably he brings you luck in sporting endeavour? I think it was just companionship, you know.
I'm an only child and travelling, you know, as a junior athlete on my own, it can be a bit lonely.
I can understand why, you know, it's nice to have familiar objects and, but, at the age of 14 that's quite late to get a teddy bear.
I wasn't given any cuddly toys at that age and I was a very.
Ah! That is so clear to anybody watching now that you were never given a cuddly toy at that or any age.
Have you ever put any of your gold medals around his neck - and taken a photograph? - I think I have, yeah.
If I had a gold medal I'd put it round everything.
Oh, what a horrible image that is.
All right, time to decide.
Truth or lie? I would suspect it's true.
You think true, what do you think? I don't think it's true because when Mr Lee Mack was sort of resuscitating the bear, Denise wasn't too bothered about that.
Well, let's say lie.
You're going to say lie.
So we'll say lie.
It's a lie.
Denise Lewis, truth or lie? - It's true.
- KATHERINE: No! APPLAUSE Yes, it's true, Denise did keep the zip open so that Egbert could breathe.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Edward.
APPLAUSE So, Robert, what is Edward to you? This is Edward and I had such a crush on him at school that for the past 20 years his name has been the basis for all of my passwords.
So, Denise, what is Ed to you? This is Edward, and he helped me pick up my car and move it after I got blocked in by Daley Thompson.
And finally, Lee, what is your relationship with Edward? This is Edward.
I once dressed up as his wife so that his son would think that he'd seen his mum in the audience at the school play.
So, there we have it.
Is Edward Robert's childhood crush, Denise's car carrier or Lee's hoax husband? David's team, where to begin? Robert, so were you school buddies together? Not especially, because Edward was terribly good at sport, you see.
I seem to remember Edward being terribly good at the pole vault.
How are you still in touch with Edward? We're not.
I haven't seen Edward for a number of years, in fact.
RICHARD: How is he doing, do you think? Would you still? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Can I just say that as my fake husband, I have.
I'd say he's definitely moved into a new bracket.
- Yeah.
- But a very happy one.
Yes, he's doing very well I'd say.
You know.
Very, very well indeed.
Now, you said you hadn't seen him for a number of years.
- No, a number of years.
- Specifically, when was the last time you saw him? The last time I would have seen him would probably be 1993 or '94.
1993 or 4? But there wasn't the need for passwords until around the year 2000.
Well, yes, but they then came in, I thought what would be more marvellous than having Edward as the basis of my passwords.
Is he still the basis of your passwords? No comment.
What I will say is that I spent a long time when I was bored looking for him on Facebook and that sort of thing, and on one occasion I found him and, and messaged him and there was no reply and I was very upset about that, and I always wondered what happened to him.
And now I see.
I'm struggling with this cos this is a thing that is done.
I had a crush on a boy in school and his name is the basis for my passwords as well and I've been trying to stalk him on Facebook but he doesn't exist, he's not on Facebook, which makes him even sexier.
- But I'm saying this is - So you've got that exact story? Very plausible, yeah, this is my story.
His name's Luke Matte, do you know him? - Yes.
- You know? - I know Luke, Luke Matte.
- No, because he was like Yeah, he lives two doors down from me, single, newly single.
- No.
- Yeah, he works for Medicines San Frontier as, - he's a human rights lawyer - No! - .
.
that works with them, but he takes six months of the year off because he runs a place for distressed puppies.
Ahhh.
He's a good guy.
You know what, I literally just set him up with someone last week, that's so annoying.
Ah, how frustrating.
Great guy, hell of a guy.
- All right, who would you like to - That's very plausible.
Who would you like to quiz next? Denise, explain what happened with Edward in the car and Daley Thompson.
Yes, so I was parked in the car park at a stadium.
Which stadium? Birmingham Alexander Stadium, in Birmingham, and - Which car park? So like you had to - Just VI VIP.
OK.
- It's probably the Denise Lewis car park.
- Yeah.
I mean, to be fair, if you own a car in Birmingham you're automatically a VIP anyway.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Why are you clapping? So I'm in the car park, went off to work, had a big national championships, came back out, desperate to get back down to London, and my car was blocked, blocked in.
That was Daley Thompson? That was Daley Thompson.
Well, hang on.
How do we know that? Let's take it What happens next? Well, Eddie, he's an, an official.
- Right.
- You know, he used to be an athlete - can see he's well stacked.
What was his sport? He was actually a thrower.
- Of what? - Discus.
Sorry, are you actually you're a BBC commentator - and you called him a thrower.
- A thrower.
So he's a thrower of the incredibly heavy Frisbee.
Yes, yeah, he used to compete, national level.
- OK.
- Didn't quite make it.
- Yeah.
- Didn't quite make it.
All right, he is here! - It's not easy to get to the top.
- Yeah.
RICHARD: That's such a show-off thing to do.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm just saying.
It's actually really, really hard to be an amazingly good athlete.
Some people can do it, some people can't do it, Eddie, I'm sorry.
So there you are, Denise, you're blocked in, - Eddie, Edward is there.
- I'm livid.
Cos he's an official, he used to throw things.
When does Daley come into it? Well, hishas a private registration plate and I didn't notice that.
He's got, he's one of those people What does it say? - DT10.
- DT10.
Of course.
- DT10.
- Fibber.
I said to Eddie, "I need to get out of here quickly, can "you help?" He said, "Let me go and get some of these other throwers.
" They said, "Listen, if we manoeuvre this car, swing the back out "a little bit, you should be able to manoeuvre around Daley's car.
" But so you never met, I'm sure you have met Daley Thompson but he never turned up during the anecdote? Couldn't find him anywhere.
It's only when I came back to the car did I realise it was his car because of the number plate.
- But you were looking for him before that? - No.
Just to sort of commiserate - "The person I need to talk to now is Daley Thompson cos "if there's someone who understands a parking crisis it's him.
" Can I just check, have you two met? Cos you need a really good defence lawyer.
No, I do.
- Can I continue? - Yes, please do.
Thank you.
So Eddie came to my aid and helped me manoeuvre the car and away I went.
Away you went, and Daley Thompson turned up presumably later? - I don't know cos I didn't see him.
- You didn't see him.
- Have you seen him since? - Yeah.
- Yes.
And have you mentioned this story to him? Yes.
- And, OK, that checks out.
- What did he say? - Yeah, that's the question.
- DENISE: What did he say? - Yeah.
- Oh, shut up.
- Ah! - He said, "Oh, shut up"? Listen, I've known Daley a long time, one of the first things he said to me, at the age of 14, he called me Was, "Look after this bear.
" All right, now, of course perhaps most the plausible of all is yet to Just remind us, Lee.
This is Edward.
I once dressed as his wife so his son would think he'd seen his mum whilst performing in the school play.
What was the play? It was actually a nativity play.
OK, and what was Edward's son playing? Edward's son was playing Joseph.
Were your children in the play? My children were not in the play, it would have been inappropriate due to the fact that they don't go to that school.
So you went, you went to a school where your children are not enrolled, dressed as a woman Well, correct.
.
.
to trick a little boy into thinking you were his mum.
Yeah.
Yeah, I admit when you say it like that it does sound a bit dodgy.
Let's, let's go back.
Lee, let's go back to the beginning.
How did this come about, how did Edward approach you? So Edward was at the school and apparently, he got a phone call off his wife saying that she couldn't make it.
Now, his wife had already missed three or four big events, you know, all the big ones that are important like, the sports days and the various things and this was sort of like I promise you I'm going to be there, I promise you I'll do this one.
Why, why wasn't she there? Well, something to do with work, something got What's her work? I didn't get chance to get into too many details, Edward rang in a panic, absolutely panicking he was.
- What's her job? - What's the wife's job? - Yes.
- Actually I don't know his wife very well.
- Do you know him? - Oh, Edward, yeah.
You're the first person he'd call, though, but you don't know his That's right, because me and him do lots of things behind his wife's back and he knows that - So he rang you up.
- Yeah.
And what did he say? He was panicking and went, "Lee!" I went, "What?" He said, "She's not turned up again," I said, "Who?", he said, "My wife.
" I said, "What DOES she do for a living?" He said, "Not now!" He saidhe said, "I need your help and I need it quickly.
" - Yeah.
- I said, "You know me, I'll always be there for you.
" He said, "I need you to meet me at my house," so I get to the house.
- You get there.
- I run in the house and he only had time for one phrase.
"Put this on.
" He said, "I need you to dress as my wife because last time "I went to see him in a play, she didn't turn up.
" And I said, "But you saw me, right?" And he said, the kid said, "No, I didn't see you cos the spotlights are so bright, everyone's just like a silhouette.
" So, he said, "That's how I think you can get away with this, "I want you to dress as my wife and then "when he looks out he'll think that you're with me.
" Did he notice your beard? Well, this is the thing.
I said that.
Now, as luck would have it I don't know what his wife does, but she has a beard.
I know she works in a circus but I don't know exactly what she does.
That was very well dodged, Lee, I must say.
No, she At the time, I did not have a beard.
- Oh, you were clean-shaven.
- Yes.
Which is why he was annoyed, cos, like I say, she does.
Does she have a very distinctive silhouette? She does.
I would describe her silhouette as Lee Mackesque.
It's the only way I can describe her.
Did you have to wear a wig? No, I did, I didn't wear a wig - cos luckily his wife has very short hair.
- And a beard.
- And a beard.
Didn't wear a wig, so you just went with your head, shaven but, yeah.
I went, I just went with her silhouette.
Look, with a hat, scarf, pipe.
But what did you wear? But you, you haven't told us.
"Nice one, Jesus!" You haven't told us what you put on in your friend's bedroom.
So he had all, all the things were about, all the clothes.
What he got a range for you to choose from? Well, she had things "Pick out something nice that you fancy.
" He said He had it ready for me when I got there.
He said, "This is what she would We could get "This is the stuff that the kid would recognise.
" So we went with a long mackintosh.
What's Edward's son called? Edward's son is called Eddie, little Eddie.
That was a bad choice.
Yeah, well, little Ed.
And then after the play, that lovely bit where the kids excitedly go and meet with their parents and say, "How was it?" That was the bit that we were worried about.
"How was it, Mummy and Daddy?" Well, I had to do, there was only one thing that we could do, I said to him, "You're going to have to totally commit to this," and so we're now married .
.
and we adopted him and we ran away and the wife doesn't know where we are and this is the first time she will have known about it.
No, we actually we stood at the back and as he walked towards us I sort of turned around, walked quickly and sort of waved like that and he said You ran away from him? Yes, well, what choice did I have? And apparently, big Ed said to me afterwards, he said, I just had to say, "Oh, Mummy's gotta get back quickly, "she's" Well, I don't know what she does for a living, he didn't know either.
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team, is Edward Robert's childhood crush, Denise's car carrier or Lee's hoax husband? Well, it's Well, I mean, Lee was fairly convincing.
- Hard to see past that, isn't it? - What do you think? I feel like when Denise was telling her story Edward was smiling a little bit more.
Look at him, look at his See.
Gosh, it's difficult, isn't it? I'm tempted to say Robert.
You think Robert? I'm really torn, I would say Denise but I just don't know cos I was wrong once already.
OK, time to make a decision, David.
- Shall we say Denise? - Who's it going to be? Oh, right, so you, you think it's Denise now? If you two think it's Denise that's great, I can opt out, if you both think it's Robert that's great, I can opt out, if you both think it's Lee, I've overruling you.
We'll go Robert.
Going to say it's Robert.
If this does turn out to be true, you do realise we're about to witness quite a moment.
So, Edward, would you please reveal your true identity? I am Edward, and I am I was Robert's inspiration for a password.
Would you like to say anything to Edward, Robert? I could dress up as you and fill in, I'm trained.
What would you like to say to him? Here's your chance.
- Yes, yeah Hello, Edward.
- Hi.
Well done, you really kept it together.
Edward, did you realise that Robert had this crush on you? - No, not at all.
- Ah.
Oh, you must have done.
What a lovely evening this is for you, then.
Thank you very much, Edward.
Very nice to see you.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
And we start with .
.
it's David.
Ten years ago, on this show, I revealed I'd only ever bought one album, Phil Collins, But Seriously.
I'm now pleased to report that I've since doubled my collection.
Lee's team.
What's the album, what's the new album? Uh it's, uh, it, it's Well, I didn't Hang on, check something I Itdoesn't say on there.
- I can't remember the name of it.
- You can't remember - Can't remember? - .
.
the name of the only other album you've bought.
I know the artiste.
- What's the artist? - It's, it was Susan Boyle's album.
Why would you buy a Susan Boyle record? With the greatest of respect to Susan, why would you choose her? Well, because it was, you know, it was much talked about at the time of its release and I was looking for something to write about.
You've not got that journalist job at the NME still, have you, David? No, no, for the Observer.
Can you remember the name of any of the songs? - No, I, but these - Wow.
But, wait, wait, I could guess a lot of the songs cos they weren't, I don't think she'd written the songs.
We were talking about it earlier, weren't we? You said your favourite was I Dreamed A Dream.
Can you just give us a rendition of that, - can you hum that or sing that or something? - Can I hum I Dreamed A Dream? - Hang on.
I don't think you can because we'd have to pay then, so it would be inappropriate, so you mustn't.
- Sorry.
He's very experienced in TV.
- Sorry, that's annoying.
Well, I'll tell you what, David, I will tell you - He learned from the best - Tony Verrill.
- Yeah.
David, I will tell you the names of some of Susan's album releases, or escapes more than releases .
.
and you tell me if any of them ring a bell, OK? OK.
The Gift.
I don't know.
A Wonderful World.
I reckon that might have been on there.
No, this is the album title.
Oh, sorry, oh, the album title? Yes.
Was the album title The Gift? Oh, no, now, I promise you the album title is not going to ring a bell.
Because for me it was The Susan Boyle album.
OK, you can't remember the name of the album, you can't remember the name of any of the songs, can you remember how you felt listening to it? ROBERT LAUGHS I think I felt My recollection is I felt it was fine.
- Fine? - Yeah.
What's it going to be, Lee? Time to guess.
- Denise, you're saying it's a - Lie.
- A lie? - No, I actually think it's true.
- It's true.
- Mm.
Yes, I'm with Denise, just about.
- OK.
- OK, going to say true? - True, yeah.
- OK, David, truth or lie? - It is true.
- Wow.
Yes, it's true, David has indeed doubled his music collection.
Nextit's Katherine.
I was ticked off by the head master after I mistakenly packed a pina colada in my daughter's lunch box for a school trip.
- Whoa.
- Lee's team.
- Wow.
- Wow.
What did you think it was? Well, they have these lovely, really lovely, like, frozen packs for the freezer, and you just take them out and squeeze them out, it's like a little frozen But they really look juicy.
I thought it was just a little juice.
Are you thinking of Fruit Shoots and things like that? No, no, I'll tell you the name, do you want to know the brand name? - Yes, I do.
- Capri Sun.
- Oh, the fruit drink in a pouch? - Delicious.
- Love 'em.
So why did you think it was anything else, cos you were the one that bought it? Yeah, because I just buy lots of stuff for the fridge.
I just grabbed it because I'm not with it in the morning cos I'm having pina coladas the night before.
What did the person at school Did you get a telephone call or were you invited in? - Oh, I was invited in on this occasion.
- And what did they say? - Hello, your daughter's drunk.
- Yes.
- No.
Your six-year-old's wasted again.
She didn't drink it, she knew right away what it was, it wasn't for her.
- Did she report you? - Yeah.
Oh, she's a grass.
She's such a grass.
She tells people, "My mummy hides wine in the walls," but that's - In the walls? - .
.
a wine rack.
- Oh, I see.
But they have problem with me anyway.
- Why? - Why? - They've met her.
Well, yeah, they've met me, that's number one, I did a school run in a bathrobe.
- No.
- Oh.
What? DENISE: One of those, really? You go to school in a bathrobe? - Yes, because - What have you got under the bathrobe? None of your business.
So talk us through now, you've gone into the school, they've called you in, to the head master, or head mistress' office.
What happens? They just said, "I suppose you thought you were being funny," and I said, "I'm sorry, what was funny?" And they said, "You know what you thought was funny," and I said, - "No, I really don't know.
" - They spoke to you like that, a parent? Yeah, you should see my fresh look, they think I'm 16, that's the other problem.
- Who does? - The faculty, I don't know.
How sympathetic was this lighting, was it sort of? Don't you find that the.
We've been doing this show 11 years, that's the most catty thing that's ever been said.
So, Katherine, he says to you, "What do you think you're doing?" - What happened then? - He had the pina colada in his desk drawer and said, "It's not funny to send your daughter on a school trip with alcohol.
" - Wow.
- What do you think, truth or lie? - I can see her doing it.
- Yes.
I really could see you doing it, Katherine.
- Thanks.
- But, I think it's a lie.
So, basically you don't think this particular incident is true but she possibly is an alcoholic.
I think it's most certainly a lie.
OK, well, my team seem to think it's a lie.
So we'll say lie.
OK, Katherine, truth or lie? Nah, it IS a lie.
Oh.
APPLAUSE I didn't do that.
Yes, it's a lie, Katherine didn't put a pina colada in her daughter's lunch box.
BUZZER Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show, and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by four points to one.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.