Curb Your Enthusiasm s11e09 Episode Script

1
("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(IRMA KOSTROSKI SNORING)
(SNORING CONTINUES)
(SNORING STOPS)
(SNORTS)
-(SNORING)
-(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LEON BLACK: Damn!
She's still here?
- Man.
- Yeah, she's still here.
And it's your fault.
- LEON: Hey.
- You screwed up her own
electrical system.
What you're doing right now,
is you puttin' bad miles
on your johnson.
You never heard of a car
have highway miles
and fuckin' city miles?
I-- I never heard of miles
on a johnson.
Right now,
we got dick depreciation.
But you know what?
It's worth it.
- Hmm? Okay.
- It's worth it.
Oh, no, no, no, Leon.
- Oh, boy.
- IRMA: Leon, no.
- We talked about this. Where
- LARRY DAVID: Oh, Here we go.
Where does this go?
It's recycling, right?
So, it goes this side.
- Okay?
- All this stuff is going
to the same place.
- No. No.
- Fuckin' dump, a big pile
- of fuckin' trash and shit
- IRMA: No.
with seagulls flyin'
over that shit.
No. While I'm in a relationship
with Larry,
this is how we do it. Okay?
If you only knew the journey
a piece of trash takes
in this city
It's one
plastic bottle's journey
- from Milan to Minsk.
- Yeah.
You know what this can do?
Look. It can choke a dolphin.
You wanna a choke a dolphin,
Leon?
- Oh.
- I don't think you want to.
No, he doesn't wanna choke
a dolphin.
You don't wanna choke a dolphin.
-(CHUCKLES) You know what?
- IRMA: What?
(WHISPERS) Bad miles.
Ugh. He's such a smart guy.
It's just he's--
he has a lot of energy,
but he kinda delusional.
- LARRY: Yeah.
- IRMA: He has all of these
theories that just
make no sense.
Ugh. I gotta go to work.
I gotta get to the chamber.
You know the guy was here
to, uh, give me an estimate
- on the fence around the pool.
- Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
- yeah. Yeah.
- LARRY: Yeah, he said it's gonna
- cost 5,000 dollars.
- Oh, my God! Really?
Remember-- remember last week,
I mentioned something
about repealing that law?
Y-- You mentioned something
about repealing the law.
You don't stop talking
about repealing the law.
But the more I think about it,
the-- the more sense
it actually makes.
Larry, would it make you happy
if I helped to repeal the law?
(GASPS) Really?
IRMA: Would it stop you
talking about this fence?
Absolutely, I--
I'll never mention it again!
- This is fantastic.
- You need--
there's five council people.
- You gotta have a majority.
- Five?
- You need a majority?
- IRMA: Yep.
So you need three.
Well, we got you, that's one.
- IRMA: You got me. Yes.
- Okay, so two more.
- Okay. I will try.
- LARRY: Wow.
- I'm gonna try, for you.
- That's-- Okay. You know what?
You did something for me,
and I-- I-- I--
I'd like to return the favor.
I'd like to get you--
- Really?
- Yeah, let me buy you something.
You wanna know
what I really want?
Yeah.
Vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
(SCOFFS) What?
A tightening, a lifting,
you know, the labial lips,
- I'd like them evened out.
- Tighten. Lift and tighten.
IRMA: 'Cause you know
something?
- Hmm.
- I love my daughter, Larry,
but she destroyed me
down here
- Oh.
-when she was born.
And you know what they tell you
to do? Kegel, Kegel, Kegel.
- Kegel, Kegel. Yeah.
-(GRUNTS) Lifting, lifting up.
And I'm kegeling, I'm ke--
You know what? Does not work.
- Mm-hmm.
- Also, when I get excited,
I jump up suddenly, like
at a sports game or something,
a little, little, little, little
pee-pee escapes.
I wanna be with you,
courtside
- LARRY: Yeah.
-watching a great game.
I wanna wear white pants
with you,
so the whole thing
is such a win-win for you
- Yeah.
-for me,
sexually, you know, medically.
But, you know,
it's not just for me.
It's for us, isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's for us.
Okay, okay. We'll get that done.
- All right, all right.
- Yeah, yeah. We got it.
- We'll get that done.
- Darling, I'm excited!
You're not gonna regret it.
Oh, I gotta borrow your car.
- LARRY: What?
- Yeah, I-- I'm out of gas.
Keys out on-- in the foyer,
in the--
Yeah, it's in the
Okay. (EXHALES)
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- This area.
- Yeah.
- Oh, fufu surgery,
a designer vagina!
- Where are the keys?
- I told you they're in the bowl!
- IRMA: What?
- The bowl!
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GROANING IN DISTANCE)
- Oh, my God! Are you okay? Huh?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Stay still, don't move.
- Okay.
All right. I'm gonna
give you this sweater, okay.
- BEN CALLAHAN: Ow, my neck
- I'm gonna call an ambulance.
- I'm calling 9-1-1, okay?
- BEN: Am I bleeding?
Just don't
Uh, yeah, a little bit.
- BEN: Okay.
- I'm gonna call 9-1-1.
You're gonna be okay.
Hang in there. Hang in there.
You're gonna be all right.
Oh, here it is. Here it is.
Here it is. Okay.
-(SIREN WAILS)
- BEN: Thank you.
Here he is.
PARAMEDIC:
Okay, tell me what happened.
- What's your name, sir?
- BEN: My name is Ben.
- Ben, Ben Callahan.
- Okay.
Did you see what happened? Did--
No? Does your neck hurt?
- Do you have any neck pain?
- My neck really hurts, yeah.
Okay, try not to move it.
I-- I really-- I don't get
the bicycle thing, you know?
Get the stationary bike
in your house, you got the TV,
it's so much better than--
than going on the streets here.
PARAMEDIC: Just try not to talk.
- Okay.
- You'll be just fine.
I think even roller skates
is-- is better.
I think roller skating
is safer than a bicycle.
Can you just let me do my job?
Who cares about roller skating?
Absolutely, absolutely,
absolutely.
- Who is that?
- PARAMEDIC:
I don't know who he is.
Roller-skating's
kind of fun, too.
- I think it's more fun.
- Do you wanna help?
- Do you wanna--
- No, I'm helping.
- PARAMEDIC: You didn't see an--
- I-- I called, I made the call.
- Okay, Ben?
- BEN: Yeah.
PARAMEDIC: Ben,
everything's gonna be okay.
We're gonna get you in an
ambulance, you're gonna be fine.
- BEN: Okay.
- Yeah! I told him that before.
Thanks.
Do you wanna be a paramedic?
I don't know why you need to be
a part of this anymore.
- Step back! Step back!
- I'm stepping back.
PARAMEDIC: Okay, buddy, we're
- gonna put you in an ambulance.
- BEN: Okay
All right,
you're gonna be fine, Ben.
- Thank you.
- LARRY: Good luck!
(SIREN WAILS)
Wait a second. Hey! My sweater!
Hey, my sweater!
My sweater!
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
NURSE:
All right, got it.
- Thank you. Okay, bye.
-(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
Excuse me, I'm wondering
if, uh, if a new patient
was admitted here today,
Ben Callahan.
He was in a bike accident.
Oh, yes. He suffered
a mild concussion.
He had to have a few stiches
but he's gonna be okay.
- Oh, he's gonna be okay? Great.
- Yes.
He's in, uh, room 406.
- Four-o-six?
- Yes.
- And wh-- where's that?
- Oh, it's right there.
LARRY:
Oh, oh, that's my sweater.
Excuse me!
You can't go in there.
What-- what are you
talking about?
- My sweater is right over there.
- NURSE: No.
You can't go in
and get the sweater.
What? Why? You don't understand.
I discovered him
lying on the ground.
It was cold,
I took my sweater off.
I did a nice thing for one
of the few times in my life.
And now you're saying
I can't get my sweater back?
How do I know
that's your sweater?
Oh, yeah, that's how I got
my wardrobe.
I go around to hospitals,
and I look in rooms
and I say, "Oh, that's mine."
And they give it to me.
Yeah,
that's how I got the shirt
- and the, uh, and the pants.
- That could be your hustle.
Okay, all right, how about this?
Could you just tell him
that Larry David is here
to get his sweater back?
He's resting right now,
I can't do that.
- Is he resting or sleeping?
- What's the difference?
(SIGHS) Well,
sleeping, you definitely
don't wanna disturb somebody,
and I completely
understand that.
But if you're resting,
and you're just laying down
with your eyes open,
that's nothing.
Every day I rest.
And I could talk to anybody
- when I'm resting.
- I'm not gonna disturb
the patient just to ask him
about your sweater.
How is that a disturbance?
A person is laying in bed.
He's asked a question.
He doesn't even have to say
yes or no.
He can just nod, "Yes."
If go in there,
I'm disturbin' him.
That's a disturbance?
A human presence
- is a disturbance?
- If he's resting, yes.
- Would you hand him a note?
- NURSE: Yeah, I could do that.
By the way,
where's plastic surgery?
Downstairs, first floor.
- Just hand him that note, okay?
- NURSE: Mm-hmm.
It must be difficult being
so mistrustful of everyone.
- It's sad.
- It is.
-(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(ELEVATOR BEEPS)
- Hi, how can I help you?
- Hi. Um
I have a bit of a delicate
matter to discuss.
- Okay.
- Um
DOCTOR: Uh, how are we looking
for the rest of the day?
Oh, uh, your two o'clock
surgery's been cancelled.
Okay, thank you.
Oh, hey, excuse me?
- Yeah.
- You're a doctor?
Uh, yes, I am.
Do you do
vaginal rejuvenation surgery?
That's what we do here,
I specialize in it, yes.
How long does it put
a person out of
commission for?
Look, it depends on what
you're looking to have done.
Tightening and a lift?
Tightening and a lift.
I usually recommend
taking about three days
off of work,
- no heavy lifting.
- No, no, no, no, no. I'm
you know, I'm talkin' about,
- you know, intercourse.
-(CHUCKLES)
- Six to eight weeks, probably.
- Six to eight weeks?
- DOCTOR: Yeah.
- No kidding.
Huh!
Depending on what kind of work
needs to be done.
Oh, it's a lot of work.
Lotsa, lotsa, lotsa work.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Hey.
- Oh, hey!
I think I finally figured out
a way to end the whole
- ba-dump-bump situation.
- Oh, yeah?
Susie's had her eye
on this vase
vase, in Beverly Hills,
which is so expensive.
However, downtown LA,
I found a guy named Igor,
same exact vase,
you can't tell 'em apart.
- Half the price.
- Wow!
Yeah. Ugh. And this will be
a weight lifted.
Boy, this is amazing,
what you've got going,
this whole risk reward life.
The risk is my reward.
You're like an outlaw. (LAUGHS)
JEFF GREENE:
Well, that's what you gotta do.
- Look at her.
- Oh
- LARRY: Sitting in my chair.
- JEFF: I mean, constantly.
Her seat is two seats back.
- You see it right there.
- Yeah. Yeah.
That's under instructions
from her father, believe me.
Oh, look,
now he's taking over.
LARRY:
They just want to taunt me.
I don't think I've ever
hated someone as much in my life
as I do this guy.
Hey, I think the espresso
machine's broken again.
Who's in charge of that?
Is that you?
Geez.
Ah, it's gonna be so sweet
when we get that law repealed.
- Oh, my God.
- We've only got two weeks
until we start shooting.
- Gotta make it happen.
- Yeah, I know.
Hey, I'm gonna need one
of those earpieces.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Wow. Look at all this
JEFF: It's nice,
there's so much. Wow.
- Hello.
- Oh, Hi!
My name is Igor.
I run Prospr.
How can I help you?
Hi, Igor, I--
I-- I'm Jeff Greene.
- We spoke on--
- We spoke on the phone
about the vase?
- Yeah, yes.
- We spoke on the phone
about the vase.
Nice to see you.
You brought a friend?
- Yes.
- Is that okay? Larry.
Oh, shplendid.
Boy, you got
a lot of stuff in here.
Yes.
Is there anything y--
you won't take?
Anything with blood on it.
Won't take that.
- No blood?
- I don't want to know.
Where's all this stuff
come from?
Most of this comes from, uh,
women who died
at Park La Brea Apartments.
- JEFF: Oh.
- Yes, they get married,
they get old, they die.
- I go in with the truck.
- Interesting.
- I agree. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Let me get the vase.
You're shplendid,
you're shplendid.
You, look around.
- Okay.
- You're not leaving here
until you buy something.
- Shplendid.
- IGOR: You're gonna buy
something my friend.
-(WHISPERS) Hey, half price.
-(CLATTERING)
- Half the price.
- Half the price.
-(GRUNTS) Here we are.
- JEFF: Okay.
- That is it. Oh.
- A little dirty.
- What you think?
- That is the vase.
- That's what she wants?
- Yeah, that's what she wants.
- I'm sure. Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah?
"She, she, she." Who is this?
Who is this for?
- My, uh, my wife.
- Oh!
(CHUCKLES) You're
in a little bit of trouble?
- I'd say.
- He's a little bit in trouble.
- Yeah.
- Shplendid, shplendid,
- I understand.
- Let me ask you a question.
- It's a little dirty--
- It's a little bit dirty.
I will--
I will clean this. Come back
in a couple days, pick it up.
- LARRY: You know what?
- Yeah?
Maybe when I am dead,
you can have my furniture.
Fantastic, shplendid, shplendid.
- Thank you so much.
- LARRY: Goodbye, Igor.
- You feel like eating?
- I'm hungry, yeah.
- What do you wanna do?
- JEFF: I don't know.
You know what,
there's gotta be a lot
of restaurants around here.
Why don't we go in the hotel
and ask the concierge?
The concierge always knows.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
- Excuse me?
- Hello.
-(LAUGHS)
- LARRY: Hi.
Welcome,
welcome to the Hotel Concordia.
My name is Gregor.
How can I help you?
Gregor, nice to meet you. Um,
we're not guests of the hotel.
- Oh, that's okay.
- We were shopping
at an antique store
down the block and--
Oh, Prospr.
- Was it? Yeah, yeah.
- Prospr. Yeah.
- You were shopping
at Prospr! (LAUGHS)
- Yes, yes, yes, yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
What'd you get there?
- A-- a vase, for my, uh, wife.
- You in doghouse?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. He's in the doghouse.
- He's in the doghouse. Yeah.
-(LAUGHS)
- Anyway, um
- Yes?
we were just wondering,
we're pretty hungry,
we'd love to get
some lunch in the area.
- Can you recommend any?
- I have a great place for you.
- Yeah?
- Cafe Cukor.
- LARRY: Cafe Cukor?
- Best food in the city.
- You take a left.
- Okay.
Go through the exit,
you take a left.
Okay. Great. Cafe Cukor?
- Cafe Cukor.
- Cafe Cukor, shplendid place.
- LARRY: Oh.
-(GREGOR LAUGHS)
Um, anything you'd recommend?
Goulash. Goulash.
I-- I don't know
if I'm a goulash guy.
- Oh, you look like goulash guy.
- I look like a goulash guy?
- You look like you love goulash.
- Come on, Gregor.
- I've never had goulash.
- Me either.
Nice knowing you, pre-goulash.
(LAUGHS) Thank you, Gregor.
-(LAUGHS)
- Thanks, Gregor.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(CAR BEEPS)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
RADIO HOST: Welcome to
Morning Becomes Eclectic--
Morning Becomes Eclectic.
(RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING)
Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Hey, asshole!
- Watch where you're going.
-(DOG BARKING)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Unbelievable!
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I mean, this is terrible.
- I don't know, this is inedible.
-(GRUNTS)
This is just
one of the worst things
I've ever had in my life,
I swear to God.
- He said it was great.
- Why would Gregor recommend
this place?
I don't understand it.
Welcome to Cafe Cukor.
My name is Timor. Uh,
I hope everything is shplendid?
The goulash?
It's not very good.
- Oh, no!
- No.
Extraordinarily bad.
- Yeah.
- Extraordinary bad?
- Yeah.
- This is bad news.
- The potatoes are-- are hard
- No.
the beef is tough.
- I don't know--
- Maybe we're not goulash guys.
- This is bad news.
- Yeah, well, you know,
it happens sometimes.
I-- I just figured
I'd be honest with you,
- that's all, you know.
- JEFF: Yeah.
Uh, okay.
No one's ever complained
about this goulash?
- No, never.
- We're the first?
First ever.
Can I try your goulash?
You wanna try that?
- Of course, sure.
- We're done.
'Cause I can't-- I cannot take
word for it.
Mm. That is good goulash.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, that is good.
- LARRY: Uh-huh. Really?
- Yeah.
All right, maybe we're wrong,
- you know.
- Yeah. Yeah, no
So, uh, yeah,
we'll just take a check.
This pains me that you do not
like the goulash.
I take this
as a personal affront.
-(SIGHS)
- But I want to pay you back
'cause I feel bad. Let me
let you in on a little secret.
Down the street is the best
pet store in Los Angeles.
Timor, who owns this pet store?
- Bulvor. Bulvor.
- Bulvor?
Are you related to Gregor,
the concierge
at the Concodia Hotel?
- No.
- Hmm. What about Igor,
the antique dealer?
No.
Mmm.
I don't know Igor, Gregor,
or Bulvor.
No relation.
You guys want me
to wrap this up?
We'll just take a check.
Let's go talk to Gregor.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Hey.
Hey, there they are. (LAUGHS)
So, how was it?
- Awful.
- Awful.
No!
- It was just awful.
- Oh, no, no, no, no!
- Yes. Yes.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, how do you recommend
a restaurant like that?
Maybe you just had a off day,
I don't know what to tell you,
- I mean, but, uh
- LARRY: Let me ask you this,
Gregor.
- Yes?
- Do you know Timor?
- Do you know Igor?
-(LAUGHS) Okay.
I don't know who--
who are these people
- that I'm supposed to know?
- Igor from Prospr.
Timor from Cukor.
What am I, in a Columbo episode
all of a sudden?
I-- no,
I don't know, uh, any Timor.
Why is it you all look alike,
and you have "or"
- on the end of your names.
- I
- I'm not related to anyone.
- And you all say, "Shplendid."
- You all say, "Shplendid."
- I say, "Shplendid"
all the time.
You say, "Shplendid,"
they say, "Shplendid."
Who doesn't say "Shplendid"
in their life--
- We don't say, "Shplendid."
- We don't say, "Shplendid."
I've never said splendid
with him in my life.
Nobody-- nobody else says,
"Shplendid."
People say, "Shplendid" at least
twice a day, it is fact.
Okay, I am not buying
any of this.
I think you're all in cahoots.
You're getting a kickback.
- Kickback?
- You're recommending somebody
to your brother, Timor,
and then he's paying you
for the recommendation.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Come on.
No, no. This is fantasy.
This is science fiction.
- This is Star Wars.
- No, no, no,
this is not fantasy.
This is spaceship to moon.
This is nothing.
LARRY: I'm gonna tell you
another thing.
You know what's so disappointing
about this?
- What?
- Americans have lost
complete faith
in their institutions,
their politicians,
their priests, the policeman
But we depend on the concierge
to give us advice
and recommendations.
Where's the best
nail salon around here?
Where can I go for a jog?
You are the last bastion
of trust.
And if we no longer trust
our concierge
then we have nothing.
I don't know what to say,
uh, except
Emerald Nail Salon
is down the street.
Okay, Gregor.
Come on, let's go.
MacArthur Park is--
is wonderful.
LARRY: Yeah.
ACTOR: (ON TV)
Hey, what do you say?
ACTOR 2: (ON TV) Okay,
we're coming. Come on.
Now listen, John.
You're a pitcher, now get in
You know, about the, uh,
vaginal rejuvenation,
I'm-- I'm-- I'm--
(INHALES)
I'm having second thoughts.
- What?
- I looked things up, I saw some
of the images on the computer
of inflammation and hematomas
- and I--
- Don't think of the down side.
What you have to focus on
is the upside.
- The tightening and the lift.
-(GRUNTS)
- And the beautiful
- IRMA: Yeah.
-the beautiful vagina
- IRMA: Yeah, yeah, I-- I--
-that's going to emerge.
- Yes! But I gotta stop
Googling "vagina."
You're getting a tightening
and a lift, that's all.
- It's not a big deal.
- I wish I could (INHALES)
talk to somebody
who's had it done.
All right, well we'll get
you somebody to talk to.
-(DOORBELL RINGING)
- Oh.
MAN ON TV:
Who wrote that speech for you?
-(KNEE CLICKING)
- Oh, my God!
Your knees when you stand.
It's like somebody's marching--
LARRY: Oh, Jesus Christ!
Shut the fuck up, will ya?
- Huh.
- I'm here to apologize.
- Yeah. Okay.
- All right?
I never should've
screamed at Irma.
- Hey.
- I feel terrible
about what I said
to her at the party.
If you really wanna make nice
What?
tell her you got
vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
Why? Why? Why would I do that?
Because, she wants to get
vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
And this'll put her
out of commission
for six weeks. So
Oh, so, you don't have
to have sex with her?
- LARRY: There you go.
- All right.
But now-- now,
she's having second thoughts.
And she wants to talk
to somebody who had it.
- So, just tell her you had it.
- So my vagina has to get
involved in this whole
fucking thing?
Well, this way,
at least I could control it.
Just tell her it's been great.
You've had great sex
and it looks great, whatever.
I'll do this for you.
You gotta do something for me.
- Name it.
- There's this really,
really gorgeous,
expensive vase I want.
- Hmm, a vase.
- Get Jeff to buy me that vase,
I'll tell her I did
a million different things
- to my vagina.
- That's What?
I have to talk Jeff
into getting you
- an expensive vase?
- Yes, you do. Tit for tat.
- Okay, deal.
- And what did I have done?
You know, you had,
uh, tightening,
- and, uh, and a lift.
- Oh, God!
(LAUGHS)
- Irma, please
- IRMA: Well
please,
please accept my apology.
- I feel--
- Get out the way,
I'll turn this off.
I feel horrible, I just--
I-- I can't even tell you
what came over.
Jeff, my fucking husband, Jeff,
has been cheating on me,
and I thought it was you.
And I just-- I went crazy,
and it wasn't you.
It was this little putain who
works for the Hulu guy, and--
Wait, why would I want to schtup
your husband,
you know, when I'm with this
incredible man?
Look at this beautiful senior
that I'm with,
- you know, I mean--
- I went crazy, I went crazy.
Yeah, she feels--
- she feels terrible.
- Please, I feel horrible.
I've had gas ever since.
I have my bubble back.
I can't sleep, I've been, ugh,
my
- Okay, okay. She's apologized.
- IRMA: It was what you heard.
Can you accept her apology?
- IRMA: Physically affecting me.
- She's apologizing.
I will be the better person
and I will accept your apology.
I mean, I don't think
you're the better person,
she's the one who's apologizing.
She the better person
for apologizing.
Okay, I accept.
I accept your apology.
- Fantastic. And now
- Yes.
Susie has something else
- Oh!
-she like to tell you.
So, I hear
that you're interested
in a vaginal rejuvenation.
Is that correct?
- You told her?
- You said you want to talk
to someone who had one.
What better person?
- So, what did you get done?
- I got a tightening and a lift.
Did you get
the labial reconstruction too?
The labia, the--
the clitoris, the--
The clitoris, they unhooded it?
- The-- Ye-- Yeah--
- You had the hood taken--
Yeah, yes,
it made everything better.
I don't know the details.
Yeah, yeah, they took
the hood off the clitoris.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Everything is better--
Susie
could I, you know, take a look?
At my vagina?
Yeah, she-- she's got
to get going, uh,
you know, she'll show you
the vagina another time.
- Another time.
- But that would help
-'cause you get a visualization.
- LARRY: She's in a hurry.
- Have a vagina viewing
another time.
- Another time.
- You know what?
You'll have a vagina
viewing party, a vaj-ama party.
- Okay.
- SUSIE GREENE:
Great to see you.
Thanks for the apology.
Thank you.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(ECG MONITOR BEEPS)
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- Larry, right? Hi.
-(CHUCKLES) Hey!
BEN: I'm so grateful to you,
thank you so much for
How you doing?
You know, I've, uh, been better,
been worse.
-(CHUCKLES)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, you're on your way
to get a soy latte, and then--
- then you're here.
- Oh. Did you notice
there was a sweater
on that chair over there,
the sweater I gave you? I gave
it to you to keep you warm.
I was kind of in and out
of consciousness.
- I-- I don't remember a sweater.
- Was anybody else here?
The nurses, my wife,
my wife's been in the room.
Your wife.
I wonder if you wouldn't mind
just giving her a quick call
to ask her if she saw a sweater
in the room?
I'm not gonna call my wife
about a sweater, Larry.
She's got a lot
going on right now.
She's studying
for her real estate license.
I'm not gonna bother her
with a sweater, but
We're talking about
five seconds.
- A phone rings--
- BEN: Yeah.
"Hey, did you happen to see
a sweater in the hospital room
when you were here?"
"Uh No."
- Hangs up. Or, "Yes." Hangs up.
- BEN: L-- Larry, I'm not gonna--
I don't wanna--
I don't wanna interrupt,
I'll-- I'll try, yeah. I'll try.
You'll try?
- What does that mean?
- BEN: Yeah, I'll try.
What does that mean,
"You'll try"?
You know what, Larry?
This is--
this has already been a lot.
- Now I need to rest. I--
- But you are resting,
you're laying-- you're laying
on a bed. You're resting.
Larry.
I'm in a serious condition.
- Can you I don't feel great.
- LARRY: I understand.
I understand,
but you're resting.
You're laying down on a bed
I wanna rest
with my eyes closed.
Oh, you wanna sleep?
No, I just wanna rest
with my eyes closed for a while.
So, you consider resting
as something done
with your eyes closed only?
Look, I've-- I gotta get
back to resting, please, Larry.
LARRY: Okay. Fine.
Don't look under my bed.
- There's nothing
- I-- I can look.
There's nothing in this room
for you, Larry.
LARRY: Oh, Jesus Christ.
(SIGHS)
-(SIGHS)
- LARRY: I was just
talking to Ben. I'm curious
uh, as to whether or not
you ever saw his wife
coming out of his room
with a blue sweater?
Oh, I don't know.
You mean you don't know
if you saw her?
Or you don't know
if you saw her with a sweater?
- I'm busy working.
- Yeah, I understand you're busy
and you're working,
but that doesn't preclude you
from noticing things.
If an elephant walked down
this hall here,
would you notice the elephant
even though you were working?
If I'm busy, real busy,
it might just get by me.
So, the elephant
would escape your attention?
You might try lost and found?
Nobody's ever found anything
in the lost and found,
especially the person
who lost it.
My name, my number.
How about if I stick it
right up here?
Is that blocking anything?
Just Mrs. Ramirez's vitals but
you could always flip it over.
If you see anybody
enter or leave that room
with a blue sweater,
I'd really appreciate it
if you'd call me.
I'll try.
- You couldn't just say yes?
- I'll see what I can do.
Oh, you'll see what you can do?
I gotta tell you something,
I don't get this hospital.
Nobody can multitask,
nobody can be disturbed
when they're resting.
Nobody can be bothered
when they're busy.
I pray to God
nothing ever happens to me
and I wind up in this place.
That'll take my clothes off,
they'll operate,
I'll never see
the clothes again.
You'll have to wheel me
out of here naked.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: All I'm saying
is if I were a ghost,
wh-- why not haunt?
What else you got to do?
There's nothing else,
that's the whole agenda.
Yeah, it's fun,
haunting must be fun.
- Hey, Igor! All ready?
- How you doing?
Um, I changed my mind.
The vase
is no longer, uh, for sale.
Are you not in business
to sell vases?
I am, but this happens,
you know?
It's sentimental value.
- Oh! yeah.
- I know why he changed his mind.
'Cause Timor talked to Gregor,
and Gregor talked to Igor.
Isn't that how it works? Right?
You accusing me
of shneeking around,
you accuse me of
being a shneek?
I'm not saying you're shneeky,
I'm saying they spoke to you.
You-- you're implying
I'm shneeky?
You can't come into my store
and tell me that I am--
We had a deal.
What are you doing?
Well, I guess your wife's not
gonna fuck you anymore,
and that's on you.
I can do whatever I want.
Oh, what? Because we didn't like
the goulash?
- That's why you're doing this?
- Why are you talking
about goulash?
Oh, you know what I'm talking
about. You know, I know,
that's what happened.
Gregor talked to you,
"Don't sell vase.
"They do not like the goulash."
and you say,
"Okay, okay, Gregor."
You're insane person.
- You're a crazy person.
- I am not insane.
You know
what you're talking about.
IGOR: You go live
on the streets.
Oh, we didn't like
"Oh, the goulash." Oh!
- I'm about to shnap.
- LARRY: Go ahead and shnap.
- I will shnap.
- Go ahead. Let's go!
- Get out of here.
- Fine. And I know your brothers.
- I know your brothers.
- Go play with Tinkertoy,
you fucking child.
Gregor is your brother,
Timor is your brother,
and that asshole who runs
that fucking pet store,
Bulvor, he's your brother too,
probably.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- STAFF: There you go.
- Thank you.
Oh, my God!
Horrible. Ten thousand dollars.
- She better be happy.
- Yeah.
Hey, have you ever heard me,
uh, here is the term "fun fact"?
- No.
- That's 'cause I never have.
- Yeah.
- Until now,
-'cause I have a fun fact.
- You've a fun fact?
(CHUCKLES) I do. The Eskimos
have 17 words for "snow"
and no word for "I'm sorry."
I don't know
if that fact is fun.
Look what it says
about the Eskimo though.
Either they never do
anything wrong to apologize for,
-'cause they're so perfect
- Right. Right.
or they just don't give
a fuck.
I hate your blubber,
live with it.
JEFF: I just don't think
that's a fun fact.
What the-- Holy shit!
That's Ben, he's got--
he's got my sweater.
- JEFF: What?
- He's got my sweater on.
That's the guy
form the hospital.
- He got my sweater.
- What?
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-(VASE SHATTERING)
What
Oh. Oh, shit.
- Oh, fuck. Ah, jeez.
- Oh, shit!
Did you forget
we're transporting
- something very delicate?
- You should have
- wrapped it better.
- You should have not hit
- the brakes.
- Well, what do you--
Where the hell did he go?
- Ah, shit.
- JEFF: I don't even know
- what I'm gonna do.
- You know what? All right.
- I'll-- I'll pay for it.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
I will accept that.
What--
what are you talking about?
- You gonna let me pay for it?
- Why wouldn't I?
I just figured I'd make
an insincere gesture,
you would grudgingly say,
"No, you'll pay half
and we'll split it,"
and we'd both be unhappy
- with the compromise.
- Fun fact,
if you make
an insincere gesture,
the other person
might accept it.
Fun fact, even if I make
an insincere gesture,
the other person
should grudgingly pay for half.
- How is that a fact?
- It's not a fact,
- and it's not fun.
- Yeah. I know.
Now, what I am gonna get Susie?
- I don't know, I'll talk to her.
- JEFF: You will?
- Yeah.
- I hope that wasn't insincere.
- No, it was begrudging.
- Good, we're clear.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- SUSIE: Oh, hey, Lar.
- LARRY: Hey.
- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Yeah, come on in.
Um
Maybe you better sit down.
- No, I'm good. What's up?
- Uh Take-- take a seat.
I'm good.
I'm good standing.
You know
what Winston Churchill said?
- What?
-"Why stand when you can sit?"
Did you just come over here
to tell me to listen
to everything Winston Churchill
said? What do you want?
Do you say, vase or vase?
I say vase.
Your vase broke.
What?
- Smashed, broke.
- Well, I guess
you're just gonna have
to go get another one.
Because if you don't, Larry,
I am gonna sit the lovely
Irma Kostroski down,
and I'm gonna tell her horror
after horror
about the vaginal rejuvenation
surgery.
I'm gonna tell her that I had
a hematoma
- the size of fucking Kansas.
- No. No, don't.
That I had necrosis.
That my labia was so swollen,
- I couldn't walk for months.
- No.
Her worst nightmare.
Oh, gee, I wish
you wouldn't do that.
You don't know what it's like
to have sex with this woman.
But we had a deal.
Vase for vaginal rejuvenation.
- So get me vase.
- Okay.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
My grandmother,
she used to make goulash,
and it was a little
different than yours.
I guess I had a trouble
making the transition
to a different goulash.
I just hope
that you'll accept my apology.
I was a hundred percent
in the wrong.
Saying that you and Timor
and Igor's brother
when in fact,
you probably
have no relationship
with them at all.
And the more
I thought about it,
how could they possibly be
your brothers,
even though you speak
with very similar nondescript
Eastern European accent?
I would venture to say
if you all shaved,
you-- you might all look
like triplets.
So, I'm sorry if I offended
or insulted you in any way.
- So you are goulash guy?
- Yes.
Can I put my arms around you
in gratitude?
All right, that takes a big man.
I appreciate it, big man.
I accept your apology.
And by the way,
if you ever wanna tell me
why you're keeping
the relationship a secret
- I won't tell a soul.
-(LAUGHS)
Would you like to apologize
for little sketch you did
when you did the voice
of what I sound like?
I was just trying to recreate
what it in my
warped imagination
may have occurred.
If it did, you would've said,
"I am so sorry, Timor,
this is a vase,
this is business.
Who cares if he didn't like
your goulash?
I've tried your goulash,
not so good."
- Wrap it up.
- Anyway, that's why I am here,
to offer you my-- my apology,
and I would also
- like to buy the vase.
- Ten thousand dollars.
You were going to sell it
to my friend for 5,000.
Yes, but I understand Seinfeld
is in syndication.
- Okay.
- Shplendid.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Hey. Asshole! Yeah.
- What?
Yeah, you. You almost killed me
and my dog the other day.
No-- What?
What are you talking about?
You don't think I'd remember?
I got your license plate,
- asshole!
- I wasn't even driving.
I'll beat your fucking ass
right now,
you skinny little bitch.
Come on! Let's go.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
-(VASE SHATTERING)
-(GRUNTS)
Might wanna be a little more
careful next time, huh?
-(LAUGHS)
-(DOG BARKS)
(VASE CLATTERING)
(IRMA SIGHS)
Oh, yeah. By the way,
I-- I'm not gonna get the, uh,
- vaginal surgery.
- What are you d-- Why?
Well, Susie gave me
a little sneak peek and
(GRUNTS) I do not want
any part of that.
It was like a-- a melted cave.
If this is what the doctor did
to her,
oh, heaven forbid, I should do
anything like that. Oh!
Oh, my God!
SUSIE: Jeff, I am not mad at you
about the vase anymore.
- JEFF: Really?
- Yeah.
You and your clumsy friend
are off the hook.
- What?
-'Cause I came up with something
- I'd rather have.
- What? Tell me.
Vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
You wanna rejuvenate
your vagina?
Yes, they do
a tightening and a lift.
Hmm. You got it.
So, y-- you're not getting
the surgery?
No. We wouldn't be able
to make love for six weeks.
That'd be a torture.
A torture, right?
(MUMBLES) Well, no.
- Oh, yes!
- Oh, no!
- Oh, yes!
- Oh, God.
- Oh, come on. Let me nuzzle you.
- Oh, no.
- I didn't think so.
-(GROANS) I can't-- I can't--
Ah. I can't (GROANS)
("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪