It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s11e09 Episode Script

1 CHARLIE: First of all, I'd like to say I-I personally didn't think any of us would be standing in front of you here today.
No, no, I mean Shit, no.
I thought we were going straight to hell.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Right, well But that being said-- I mean, we're good people.
Oh, yeah.
I did what I did.
You don't like it, you can kiss my ass.
Oh, oh.
Easy, easy.
Hey, could we be judged individually? 'Cause I don't want to be lumped in with him.
Look, I know you're gonna judge us.
But before that cruise ship went down, we prayed.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
I mean, like, sure, we've done some bad things, you know, but-but we've changed, I promise.
I'm gonna walk you through how.
Mm-hmm.
So please just reserve your judgment, okay? Because once we're finished, I'm sure you will judge us accordingly.
Mm-hmm.
(chuckles softly) Goddamn, this ship is the tits! Frank, Frank, watch your language.
You know? This is a Christian cruise.
Yeah, and I got to say, winning raffles, going on cruises-- I like this new church of yours, Mac.
I think you found the right one.
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't find them.
They found me.
Ah.
And it's all, of course, a part of God's plan.
It's also a part of God's plan that we all get closer to him through fellowship.
Hey, Mac, is God gonna be able to protect against the ship sinking? God protects all things, Charlie.
He is an awesome god.
The only way this ship is gonna sink is if the captain's drunk.
Guys, we don't have to worry about drunk captains, 'cause this is the dry cruise, remember? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
And about that, um, where exactly does God stand on that dry thing? Is that a hard, fast rule or is there some wiggle room? Look, this cruise is an opportunity for us to get away from the sins of everyday life.
That being said, we will each have to have a half a cap of mouthwash every day.
You know, just to stave off the shakes.
Smart, smart.
Don't want to get sick.
Yeah.
Oh, thank God.
Okay, guys, I am gonna head up to Bible study right now.
Oh.
Oh, right now.
Uh, this is our suite.
Yeah, you guys can check in or whatever.
But the Do you want to meet me there? Do we? Yeah, yeah, we'll, we'll We got to set our bags down and then, uh Yeah, we I have to unpack, I always do.
All right.
Peace be with you.
All right.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh You're supposed to say, "And also with you.
" Why is that? Would you say I'm not gonna say that.
Uh, you know what, I'll say it, if it's gonna help you get out of here and go to your Bible study.
But I'm not gonna mean it.
Oh, you don't have to mean it.
Yeah, you just have to say it.
Okay.
And also with you.
Bye.
Guys, this is gonna be the best cruise ever.
And also with you.
Yeah.
I'm not saying it.
Take care.
I'm not saying that.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Oh.
You don't have to mean it.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
(rumbling growl) Yeah.
I needed that.
Man, and the beer calms my nerves, too, you know what I mean? I feel like I could drink that whole suitcase.
Oh, God, me, too.
But let's not, okay? 'Cause this is the only alcohol on the entire ship.
Ooh, yeah.
Yeah.
All right, okay.
That'd be bad.
But it's time to suit up now, so we can get into some nonsense.
What do you mean, suit up? Did you bring costumes? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm gonna be the captain.
Charlie's gonna be the first mate.
No, no, no, I-I'm putting a stop to this right now.
No costumes, no high jinks.
Okay? Can we just Guys, can we take a vacation from our usual bullshit? You know, I'm not saying we got to do the God stuff, but let's not-- let's not do a bunch of anti-God stuff either, okay? So don't be gluttonous.
Okay? You-- no wrath.
No lust for me.
You know, which is gonna be difficult, given the implications of being on a boat.
All right, well, I'm taking a vacation from you guys, okay? I'm tired of getting shit on.
All right.
That's what I'm talking about, Dee.
Nobody's gonna shit on you.
Nobody's gonna call you a bird.
I agree.
But first, I got to take the cross off Oh, yeah.
that Mac gave us.
This thing is burning me to shit.
Yeah, yeah.
There.
Look at that.
Oh! DENNIS: Oh.
DEE: Oh! Goddamn, Frank.
Oh, my God.
You might actually be the devil.
Jesus, I'm gonna take mine off, too.
I could be Satan.
(laughs) Screw God! (thunderous horn blows) Whoa, whoa, what-what was that? Did-did God do that? No, no, no.
Don't go crazy on the God stuff, all right? That being said, the timing of that big boat noise was pretty suspect, so, Frank, maybe don't push his buttons? Yeah.
I get that.
Yeah.
All right, I'll leave him alone.
Hey, Mac.
We are about ready to get started.
You feeling okay? Yeah, David.
It's good.
I-I just, uh, was waiting on my friends.
They said they were gonna be here and they're not here yet.
I should have taken on a missionary position with them.
You know? They need salvation.
Especially my one friend, Frank.
I even started putting battery acid on the back of his cross necklace to burn through his skin.
Why? Oh, to subtly send the message that he might be a demon.
Oh, well, yikes.
Uh, listen, when your friends are ready, they'll come.
Right, yeah.
You know, we should just get started.
Scott, you ready to go? Yup, yup.
All right, everybody, why don't we gather around.
Why don't we, uh Well, let's just We'll sing through it once and we'll get it on its feet.
(upbeat tune playing) Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys what's that song? I-I'm not familiar with that hymn.
Uh, the song's "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" from Guys and Dolls.
It's for the talent show.
We do it every year on this cruise.
It's fun.
Fun? No, no, the songs aren't supposed to be fun, they're supposed to be bleak and dreary, so we can focus on how bad we are.
Yeah.
We need to punish our ears to pay for the original sin of being born.
Mac, look, uh, I know it can be difficult transitioning into a new church.
All we ask is that you try to keep an open mind.
Okay, I Maybe I can do that.
I But, guys, I can almost guarantee you that I'm not gonna like this.
Said to myself sit down Sit down, you're rockin' the boat And the devil will drag you under With a soul so heavy you wouldn't float Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down You're rockin' the boat! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I feel like I've been waiting for this my entire life.
Good.
We're glad you had fun.
Yes, yeah.
I'm ready to go again.
Well, you've already gone twice.
We're sort of taking turns We're gonna go from the top.
Five, six, seven, eight These winter coats were a good idea-- it is chilly.
Yeah.
Come in handy.
You don't want They're cranking the air conditioning.
Yeah, you don't want to be sick on a boat.
Whoa, look at this place.
I think we died and went to heaven, Frank.
Oh.
Dude.
I thought you said they didn't have alcohol.
Look, they-they got screwdrivers.
Oh, no, Charlie.
That's just orange juice.
There's no alcohol.
Just orange juice, like the mixer? Yeah.
Yeah, people drink it.
People drink it.
Yeah.
That's crazy to me.
When was the last time you drank straight mixer? Oh, I had a diet cola mixer a while ago.
Oh, did you? (burps) Was it any good? Yeah, oh, yeah.
Whoa.
(sniffs) What? Dude.
You drinking a beer right now? What? Get out of town.
You can lie, but that burp told me the whole story.
You holding? What you got? You smell the beer? You holding beer? Come on, man.
Bingo! (laughs) MAN: Excuse me.
You can't have alcohol on the ship.
Oh, this, uh, this is an empty.
That-that was an empty can.
A pelican dropped it and we Yeah, we picked it up.
Yeah, it was, like Do you have any more on you, sir? No, not a bit.
Yeah.
What's going on here? Uh, uh, Captain.
Do you have any more alcohol on you? Uh, not a bit.
If you'll excuse me.
Yup.
Whoa! What the hell is that, Frank? Well, I don't want to run back and forth to the cabin all the time, it's so far away.
Son of a bitch! And you-- you have any beer on you? Aah! Charlie, you lied to me.
Uh, well, you lied first, man! Is that the rest of it? Yeah, that's all of it.
We have to confiscate all these beers from you.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, got it.
DEE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no.
That's my seat, bitch.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Got a little worked up.
Uh, not quite in vacation mode yet.
Let me try again.
Um, please get your shit off my seat.
I don't see your magazine or towel on it, and I got here first, so I don't feel like it's really your seat.
I'm sitting with you.
Thought you were taking a vacation from us.
Yeah, I was trying, but this is the only seat open, so can you try not to shit on me for, like, the next hour or so, please? I'm trying to relax.
Dee, relax.
I'm not gonna shit on you.
Okay? Nobody's shitting on you.
How's it going with the wrath thing? You, uh, staying away from that? Well, yeah, you know, I was trying, but there are certain "see you next Tuesdays" on this ship that are making it very difficult.
Well, yeah, I feel you.
I'm I'm already struggling with the lust thing.
See this, uh, flaxen-haired seductress across the pool over here? Dennis, she looks like she's 12 years old.
No, she's of age.
I checked.
Well, she's gallivanting around, you know, flaunting it for me, and she knows how easy it would be for me to have her, too, because of the implication.
Not that you would understand.
It's not what you think it is.
No, I think I get it.
We're out in the middle of the ocean.
She's stuck on a boat.
She couldn't possibly say no, 'cause something might go wrong for her if she did.
That's that's exactly what it is.
How did you get that so fast? It's like when I'm alone with a guy, and we're messing around, and he gets all skittish about banging.
So then I insinuate that it would be a shame if my account of what happened was different from his and then he ended up getting a call from the sheriff.
You know what I mean? And then, boom.
We plow.
Okay.
Yeah.
No, I-I think I get it.
Yeah, right? Right, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(gasps) Oh, my God! Oh, a bird shit on me! Oh.
A bird shit in my mouth! A bird shit inside of my mouth! (muttering gibberish) I'm literally getting shit on.
I'm literally getting shit on! Hit it! Hit it! Hit it! Whoa! Oh, yeah! Hey.
Hey, fellowship was fun.
Yeah, see? It doesn't have to be all dour and penitent to praise God.
Is it my turn? Absolutely.
Step up.
Okay.
Aah! No! I failed! It's okay.
I failed.
I failed you.
Nah.
No.
I failed God.
All right, get me good.
Whoa.
Hello.
What is? I brought my cat-o'-nine-tails.
Yeah.
You know, so, flagellate me.
Three-three lashes for missing.
Why would you want me to do that? So I could be a better boy.
Mac, it isn't a sin to miss, okay? That's We don't punish ourselves for that.
You don't punish yourselves? Then how do you become closer to God? By just appreciating the game and the wonderful day.
Well, sure, yeah, it's a wonderful day now, but look at that storm coming.
(thunderclap) That's impending doom right there.
He-he probably sent that storm because I keep failing him.
Look, just relax, try it again, and this time, hey, no guilt.
No guilt? Okay.
Oh, my.
Yes! I did it! I did it! All right.
In your face! I beat your asses.
(thunder rumbles) Whoa.
Gay.
Gay.
Gay, gay, gay, gay.
What are you doing? Why are you two kissing? Uh, because he's my husband, and we love each other.
What's going on? What-what about God? You-you heard him.
He clapped and said, "No! Boom!" You think thunder is God clapping? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
(thunder rumbling) FRANK: You think there's gonna be anybody here with talent? I mean, this is a Christian cruise.
This is gonna be boring as shit.
I'm anticipating a boring show.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, there she is.
Hmm.
Sitting by me again, huh? Shut up.
I need something to wash the bird shit taste out of my mouth.
Oh, yeah.
I saw you guys.
Where are the beers? In the captain's stomach.
Yeah.
CHARLIE: Yeah, it's, uh We kind of got, like, you know, caught with them.
All of them? Yup.
Pretty much, yeah.
I knew you couldn't stop from being gluttonous.
Oh, you guys.
Uh, all right, fine It was a mistake, man.
Give me the mouthwash.
I need the mouthwash then.
That's gone, too.
I kind of drank all of it.
Charlie drank it.
He needed to calm down.
You serious? Goddamn it! (thunder rumbles) It doesn't do Oh.
(electrical buzzing) Whoa.
Whoa.
See.
Oh! See, I don't like the storm, man.
The storm's starting to freak me out.
You know what I mean? Yeah, WTF? Yes, yes, the storm is intensifying.
And yet I remain calm in spite of the fact that this one here is dressed like this.
Uh That's just crazy.
Yeah, it is weird.
This girl in the sweater? He's been doing it all day.
You think that's? Can you just can you just drop it? Well, I would if she wouldn't always be sitting in my eyeline.
Then again, that is what she does.
She wants me looking at her at all times.
She's driving me nuts, I'll tell you.
Maybe I'll send her a drink or something.
A virgin daiquiri for the virgin? MAC: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, I've got news, I've got terrible news.
- Oh, see this is exactly what I wanted a vacation from.
- CHARLIE: Of course you do.
There are two guys in this church DENNIS: Yeah.
that are gay.
Who's the other guy? (laughter) I don't get the joke.
(overlapping chatter) What's wrong with that? So what? Well, guys, being gay is not Christian.
(electrical buzzing) DENNIS: Oh! Oh, see? That's that's freaking me out.
That's the big man! That's the big man.
I don't know what it is, but I don't like it.
Let's go find our beer, man.
We're gonna go snoop around, see if we can find our beer.
Let's look for some alcohol.
Recover that beer and bring some back.
Yeah.
Don't take 'em all.
And why is? MAN: Ladies and gents, it's talent show time.
Please welcome Marlene, the magician.
That's the bitch who stole my chair! Magic? The dark arts? Are you guys serious? First the queers.
Then sorcery? This cruise is going straight to hell.
Okay.
I'm out of here! All right.
See ya.
Peace be with you.
We're not saying that other bit.
No.
Aah! For my first trick tonight, I'm going to need a volunteer.
Hmm.
Hey, you, bird girl.
Come on up.
Can you believe this bitch? (laughs) Go.
Go up.
I don't Bird girl.
Yes, we call her bird.
We also call her a bird.
(thunderclaps) Oh, baby.
See? These costumes are a great idea, Frank.
(laughs) So we can go anywhere we want on the ship now.
Anywhere we want.
And nobody's gonna know.
That's not exactly the first mate's costume I had in mind.
Hey, man, you said "first mate.
" That's gonna do.
I was, like, Gilligan.
That's the only guy I know.
Yeah, no.
It's good.
It's good.
All right, so what do you think? We find the captain's quarters, kick down the door, find our beer.
Oh, no.
Strangle the guy or something.
Oh, no, no.
That beer? That beer is long gone.
No, we don't want to do that.
Drank it, huh? Oh, the party is right down here.
And right down here below deck.
This is the party? That's right.
This is it.
I don't hear anything.
All I see is a bunch of pipes.
How is this a party? The pipes are the party.
The pipes are the party? Yeah.
What are you talking about? Well, all the booze we're ever gonna need is running through these pipes.
So, what? Wait, wait.
We're just gonna drink straight boat fuel? No.
We're gonna cut it.
With what? Mixers.
Hmm? Mmm.
(chuckles) Oh, good.
Yeah, you got one of those.
(clang) Lord, hear my prayer! The only reason I went to this church in the first place was to become closer to you! Well, that and the other church was getting super Vietnamese.
I just need to know my purpose! I-I used to think it was worship and then song and dance! I got to be honest, I've really taken to it, and I think musicals are gonna become a huge part of my life moving forward! But now with these gay Christians, I don't know! I need you to show me a sign to tell me my purpose here! Maybe some lightning! Maybe some thunder? No? Should I have stuck with the Vietnamese? Is this your card? (applause) DEE: Can I can I have the deck, please? I-I got a trick that'll blow you guys out of the water.
Wait, I'm confused.
Is that a challenge or a terrorist threat to the ship? (laughs) (rimshot) (Dee laughs mockingly) Give me the goddamn deck.
By all means.
Pick a card, any card.
Hmm Now take a good look at that card, please.
You might want to bring it a little bit closer, just so you can see it well.
A little bit closer.
Great.
Now, tell me, what suit is your card? Spades.
Spades.
Ooh.
All right.
Now watch while I turn these spades into stars.
Oh! (gasping) DEE: Oh, shit! Who's getting shit on now, bitch? MARLENE: What is wrong with you? You knocked out my tooth! (booing) Did I? That wasn't the plan.
I didn't mean to-- I-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to do that.
Get off the stage, bird girl! She stole my chair at the pool, and I got so hot about it.
Hey, hey.
What? No, no, no, no, no! Yeah! What? No.
Aw, no, come on! Well, what is this, boat jail? I'm not a goddamn Somali pirate, okay? No, wait, wait! Ah Goddamn it.
MAN (over radio): thunderstorms, capable of producing gale-force winds The storm's worsening, Captain.
What should we do? FRANK: Fire the torpedoes! What? Full steam ahead! Christ, not you again! CHARLIE: Frank, I think I found where he's hiding the beer! What do you got, Charlie? No, no, it's just, like, wires and stuff.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Put these men in the brig.
Charlie.
Wait, wait.
Ah, get your hands off I'll dispose of those.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know where No, no, don't let him drink that! Don't let him drink our torpedo juice! (sighs) Dee? What'd you get thrown in for? I couldn't control my wrath.
You? Yeah.
Gluttony.
Yeah.
Been drinking boat fuel and shit.
Oh, sure.
Sure.
Yeah.
Oh hello.
(thunder rumbles) Wow.
I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to scare you there.
Anyway, I, um I should have introduced myself earlier.
I'm the daiquiri man, but I suspect you already knew that, didn't you? (chuckles softly) Was it good? Was it sweet? I guess.
Well, it either was or it wasn't.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Of course.
Yeah.
No, I had one, too.
It was it was sweet.
You seem sweet.
I've been watching you and following you, of sorts.
You know, in a good way.
So how'd you like that magic show? Do you enjoy magic? You know, I-I can do magic.
Whoop.
Uh, how did you get that? Get your license? Don't worry about it.
1996, though.
That's good.
That makes the cutoff.
There you go.
I wasn't gonna steal it.
(clears throat) Um So, how about this storm, huh? I think it's kind of cool, you know? Here we are on a boat, you know, out in the middle of out in the middle of nowhere, and nobody would ever hear our screams in this wind, you know.
Oh.
(chuckles) The thunder's really It's throwing this whole thing off.
It's making everything I say seem sinister, which it's not intended to be, you know what I mean? What's up? I-I'm sorry.
I have to go.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
Sorry, no.
It's There's nowhere to go.
(chuckles) There's really nowhere to go.
You know? So why don't I, uh, come in your room? (chuckles) "Come in your room.
" That's not what I meant.
I would like to go in your room.
Um, and I suspect that maybe you might say no, and yet I also feel like maybe you wouldn't dare.
(screams) Well, that's not supposed to happen.
Guys, come on, come on! It was a misunderstanding! The storm made it seem way worse than it is.
She was never in any danger.
Lust? Yeah.
Oh, my God, Mac.
You're soaking wet.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I was out in the rain looking for a sign from God.
I never got the timing right, but doesn't matter.
The point is, I thought I was here for you guys to open my mind.
But now I realized I'm here to close yours! I'm sorry, what? Guys, I'm here to convert you.
From being gay.
You want to convert us? Yeah! You realize how insulting that is? How would you like it if I tried to convert you? Uh I wouldn't care.
'Cause that's, like, impossible.
There's no way you guys could convert me to your lifestyle.
Let's give it a shot.
Well I'm gay.
Yeah.
No shit.
Oh, you guys knew this already? That you were gay? From the day we met.
Oh, my God, I've been trying Yeah, always.
Whoa, really? But what's going on? Did you just get tossed in here? Or, like, why are you in here? Oh, no, I just walked in on my own.
What?! You let the door close behind you?! I couldn't find you guys.
I wanted to hang out.
I had something important to tell you.
What is it? There is no God.
Well, what?! What is happening right now? Why, where are you getting this from? Yeah, why I was like (sighs) Okay.
If there was a God, there's no way that he would make me queer, right? I can't, I can't listen to this anymore.
I got to get out of here.
I can't be around you.
I've got to get out of here! Got to get out of here! What are you squawking about? Let me out of here! Honestly, what's the point anyway? There's no meaning to any of it.
There's no God, there's no heaven, there's no hell.
Wrong! Oh, I just wanted a couple of days.
Just a couple of days away from you guys.
But I can't escape you! You know where hell is, Mac? You know where hell is? It's right here.
It's right now.
We are in hell! (yells) Oh, Jesus.
(horn blaring) What the shit was that?