Would I Lie To You? (2007) s11e09 Episode Script
The Unseen Bits
Good evening and welcome to a very special edition of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You.
Joining Lee Mack tonight, Jo Brand, Ade Edmondson, James Acaster, Mark Bonner, Sara Pasco, Steve Davis, Ore Oduba, Cariad Lloyd and Gabby Logan.
And joining David Mitchell, Claude Littner, Kimberly Wyatt, Claudia Winkleman, Fay Ripley, Jordan Stephens, Stacey Solomon, David Baddiel, Craig Parkinson and Sheila Hancock.
And we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they have no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction, and we're starting tonight with Jo.
OK.
I once got on the tube with a live pigeon in my pocket.
David's team.
- Why was the pigeon in your pocket? - It was quite badly injured.
Oh, so you were being a Good Samaritan to pigeons? Ish, I was a bit peckish.
You hadn't yet decided, it could go either way.
What had happened to the pigeon? - What had happened to it? - Yeah.
Went very nicely with some roast potatoes No, no, I took it, I took it to, actually to the local vets when I got home.
So, where did you find? It was lying on the pavement.
And what was the nature of the garment, in the pocket of which you placed the pigeon? It was a clown's outfit.
And it's your own fault for standing on it in the first place with your big feet.
It was a duffle coat, a duffle coat.
A duffle coat.
But did you think about just carrying it or did you think I'll put it in my pocket? Cos if it's a pigeon that's struggling, I think it's probably causing it more pain.
It wasn't, it was beyond struggling it was, it was - A dead pigeon.
- A dead pigeon? - No.
It was, it was kind of really knackered and Can I ask, were you going to somewhere when this happened or were you going back home? I was going to somewhere.
So, you went to a meeting, possibly a high level TV meeting, about - There are other places available, David.
- No, not I'm just guessing, with a pigeon in your pocket.
I like the fact you gave it two options, a meeting or a high level TV meeting.
I'm trying to imagine.
I was going to the local hospital to have a smear.
Oh! Wow.
While it was in your pocket, did it start flapping? - No.
- So, it It was just completely quiet, but not dead, in your pocket.
Did you have some seed in your pocket? Of course she did! We all carry emergency Trill.
What are you thinking? Kimberly, does it, does it have the ring of truth for you? I think it's a lie.
I've saved a pigeon before and it was quite badly hurt.
- Oh, here we go.
- And it was really flappy.
Am I the only person that hasn't saved a pigeon? - I haven't.
- No, I haven't.
I have a hard time believing it would sit in the pocket.
What were the circumstances for you, Kimberly? I was at my flat.
My now husband was gone, and I I'm sorry to hear that.
LAUGHTER Very brave of you to talk about it on the show.
There was a lot of commotion outside, so I went to look and there was a pigeon struggling.
I was worried to touch it because I thought of diseases and things, - so I left it - Oh, me, me, me! .
.
and I had to go away and think about what to do.
- So, what did you do? - I Tweeted about it.
Tweeted?! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Beautiful! Beautiful! Did he Tweet back? Well, somebody did and they sent a cab to get the pigeon to take it to the Wildlife Foundation to save it.
- I really don't believe this.
- LAUGHTER So, what are you thinking, David? Well, Kimberly, what do you think? Do you think it's true? - I just think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie? - I think it's a lie.
Lie? I think we think it's a lie.
OK, you're saying lie.
Jo, truth or lie? It isa lie.
APPLAUSE - Claudia, you're up next.
- Good! A-hem! It once took four people to rescue me after I got stuck in a baby's cot.
- LAUGHTER - Lee's team.
Right.
First of all, how old were you? - ErI was a grown-up.
- Why were you in a cot? Well, because I was trying it out, just to see how it felt.
Did you not have a cot when you were a baby? I did, but I couldn't remember what that felt like.
So, was it in someone's house? Wait a second.
No.
It was in a cot shop.
- Showroom.
Showroom.
- Yes! It was in a show Thank you! - Were you thinking of having a child? - I was pregnant.
- Oh, you were very pregnant.
- I was pregnant.
- Oh! - Ah! - And so I was there and I thought, - "I can't buy a cot without trying it".
- Of course.
You know, you need a test-drive of beds.
You know, do I need? I'm glad you weren't buying a potty.
LAUGHTER How did you get in the cot if you were so heavily pregnant? Yes.
Good.
Excellent.
- Well, there are ridges, you know, bars - Yeah.
.
.
on the side of the cot, and I sort of just wheeled myself in, - and then it was embarrassing because - Wheeled yourself in? - Frontwards? - Frontwards, yes.
So like a dive, like a swallow dive.
But those things usually come down, don't they, at the side? You can sort of move them down a bit.
- Oh, that's what I did.
What I did - Oh, hang on.
- LAUGHTER - Such a good point! On the side of the cot, I don't know if you're aware, they have a little - I'm aware because I just told you.
- Yes.
Good.
And I just got it down and I got in the cot just to see how it would feel.
Is it comfy? - And then, did you put the bars back up again? - I don't - This, I can't Yes.
- You must have done, otherwise you wouldn't have been stuck.
- I did.
I put the Exactly! - Was there a? It's like you were there! How did you get out, then? Did somebody help you? - The people had to help me - Four people.
- In the cot, and put Exactly! Four people.
- Who were these people? Well, they were just the people who worked in John Lewis.
Four people's a lot.
Or maybe it's just a good service at John Lewis.
It is a good shop.
I think you've got two fragile things.
- You don't want to hurt the woman who's pregnant - Cot.
- Yes! And maybe mentally ill, and then LAUGHTER And, umand then you have the other side of it, which is you've got a product on display.
- Cot for sale, cot for sale.
- You don't want it to be kind of damaged.
- You don't want it to be.
- Let's not forget the unborn baby.
And the tiny baby.
So, what do you think, Lee? Hm.
What do you think, Steve, truth or lie? I've got a feeling it's true.
If you'd have been stuck in a cot, how many people would've helped you? Well, it would have been length problems more than anything else.
It would be an odd-shaped cot that you could fit in.
- A coffin.
- Only head would have been - Coffin? - A coffin? - It's the opposite to cot.
- "Steve Davis stuck in coffin.
" - It's a big, long In a coffin shop, would you try that out to see if it's comfy? You know, because you're in that a lot longer, aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah, that's nice.
So, what are you going to say? I'm going to say it's true.
All right.
Claudia, truth or lie? It istrue.
APPLAUSE Claude, you're next.
At a recent party, I rendered Lord Sugar's pet parrot mute after I'd pinged it on the beak with a champagne cork.
- LAUGHTER - Lee's team.
Talk us through the incident.
Well, I spend quite a lot of time with Lord Sugar, as you can quite imagine.
- Why? - Why? Yeah.
- Because we're pals.
- You're pals? - Why? Why? He's worked under Lord Sugar for how long? Not under.
Not necessarily under.
- LAUGHTER - He's worked for Lord Sugar - With.
- How? - He's been Lord Sugar's slave for How long has it been, Claude? - A long, long time.
- Has it? - It's been a lot time.
- Yeah.
OK.
So, you're at Were you at a party, did you say? Yeah.
One of our many parties.
- What was the party for? - His birthday.
- Where was the party? - In the West End somewhere.
I can't remember the hotel.
- Did you say his parrot? - It is his parrot, yes.
- He took his parrot to the party? - To the party.
- He does.
He does.
- Was it a bring-your-own-parrot party? No, no, it's part of the general ambience of the evening.
Oh! What else did he bring to help with this ambience? - Just his friends.
- So he brings To create an ambience, he brings his friend, always, and a parrot? Not always his parrot, but on this occasion, he brought his parrot.
- I don't know what's so unusual.
- LAUGHTER What happens when he doesn't bring his parrot? Are you, like, "This is a rubbish party.
Where's the parrot"? No.
No, not at all.
On occasions If somebody had a parrot and didn't bring it to a party and sometimes did, when they didn't, I'd be, "What's wrong with you?" - No.
- "Where's the parrot?" If every time they brought a parrot and then once, they didn't, I wouldn't dare ask about the parrot.
Don't mention the parrot and don't eat the chicken wings.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Talk us through the incident.
- What happened? You were getting the champagne bottle No, I wasn't getting the champagne bottle as such, - What actually happened was - You were bringing the champagne for Lord Sugar.
- We were It was a - LAUGHTER You'd already been going around the room saying, "Red or white? "Red or white?" And now it's your time to bring the champagne.
What happens next? We were at the party, we were having a jolly good time and it came a moment when the champagne was poured.
- OK? As happens in those kind of parties.
- Yeah.
- Isn't that right, David? - I've had champagne in my life.
LAUGHTER I thought, as a bit of a joke - Oh, OK.
- .
.
a bit of a joke - Yeah.
- I thought I'd just kind of put the cork onto the parrot's beak.
- You threw it! - For a bit of a joke - You threw it at the parrot? - Like that.
- You kept it in your hand? - Yes.
- That's vicious! - That's even more vicious! - No, no, no.
- Because that's like a punch with a cork.
This talking parrot, what does it normally say? Look, I've got to say, I haven't got an intimate kind of appreciation - We're not suggesting that for a moment.
- I think he was.
You said you rendered it mute, is that correct? Well, look, for those few moments, it didn't know what had hit him.
But whatwhatwhat was he saying before you made him mute? Pretty Sugar! Pretty Sugar! No, was what you had to say to him, wasn't it? LAUGHTER What happened next? Because I imagine Lord Sugar, or Al, as I call him, I imagine he was quite upset by this.
- He was upset.
- Yes.
- He was very, very upset.
- Yes.
- Did he get his head out the cage and try and peck you? - Lord Sugar? LAUGHTER So, is he telling the truth? Umit seems a particularly mean thing to do.
- I think it's a lie.
- I think it's a lie.
The fact that Alan Sugar has brought a parrot to a party is the bit that I doubt.
- You're saying it's a lie? Cariad, you're saying it's a lie? - I think so.
Ade says it's a lie.
I will go with my team.
OK, so you're saying it's a lie.
Claude, truth or lie? - I'm afraid it's a lie.
- APPLAUSE Steve, you're up next.
I used to coach the Sultan of Brunei's son until he sacked me over an incident with a cheese sandwich.
- Oh! - David's team.
In what activity did you coach the Sultan of Brunei's son? LAUGHTER Snooker.
- Snooker? - Love it! Love snooker! Where did this tutoring take place? Not in the snooker club because, obviously, for security reasons, um OK, yeah, I'll ask that again.
Where didn't it take place? LAUGHTER - And you can just say - No comment.
No comment.
.
.
you know, snooker club, bouncy castle, whatever.
I had to go to his house in London.
Oh, they must have some money.
- How - LAUGHTER .
.
how often did you tutor him? Was this a long-running thing? Well, he Until he got bored.
I was part of that.
Right.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK.
You mentioned a cheese sandwich.
What's the significance of that? So one of the things I used to do was to give myself a reward when I did well.
So if I made a 50 break or a 100 break, then I could have a cheese sandwich.
So I thought I'd try and teach him the same values.
So, what would you ask him to do in order to obtain a cheese sandwich? Pot three redsthree blacks.
- What, in a row? - Well, that's usually how you play the game.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER And his reward was a mini Babybel and a roll? I asked him what was his favourite food, and he said a cheese sandwich.
The son of the Sultan of Brunei's favourite food - is a cheese sandwich? - Well - He probably tires of all the - Caviar.
- .
.
unicorn-liver pate and LAUGHTER We need to find out why you lost the job, because it was part of this cheese sandwich.
I think he'd never been told - that he couldn't have a sandwich before.
- Well done? So, he did consent to do all the potting before he'd eat the cheese sandwich - Yes.
- .
.
but then there was an atmosphere? LAUGHTER Steve, when you started coaching to when you were dismissed, did you see a significant improvement in his game? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Did you? - Six times world champion.
- LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, it's time to guess, David.
What do you think? - I think it's true.
- Yeah.
- You think it's true? True? - We're going to say true.
- You're going to say it's true.
Steve, was it true, or was it a lie? - It was true.
- APPLAUSE - Stacey, you're next.
- OK.
I'm frightened of rainbows and I refuse to go outside when sunshine immediately follows the rain.
- Wow! - Lee's team.
So, how long have you been scared of rainbows? Probably since I was a kid, to be honest.
What started it? Was it Zippy? I just don't like them.
I thinkI think they're mysterious.
You don't know where they end.
And there's apparently, a little short man at the end that's, like, "Oh, I've got a pot of gold"! LAUGHTER I don't like the thought of the light spectrum - hitting all different angles, going everywhere and - Making a mess.
.
.
creating this colourful strip through the sky.
This is like the craziest version of Open University I've ever watched.
LAUGHTER I just don't like I don't like the ideology of rainbows, - I don't like the fact that they're.
- Can I just? "Look at me, I'm all the colours of the rainbow! Whaa!" Can I just check, isis this actually happening? - LAUGHTER - It's a weird one, isn't it? I didn't think Stacey would come on and go, "I don't like the ideology of rainbows".
Ideology of rainbows? Susie, is there a word for someone who dislikes rainbows? Hm.
I've got one.
LAUGHTER I don't think there is.
Just the thought of it coming out of the sky.
Coming out of nowhere and landing on the floor.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but they don't fall from the sky.
What's that chicken that was scared of the sky falling down? - Chicken Licken.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Could you empathise with him? Oh, I can completely see where he's coming from.
LAUGHTER So, what do you think, Lee, is she, er? APPLAUSE Is she telling the truth? What do you think, Ore? I think you can have irrational fears, can't you? You can.
Yeah, but you've got to draw the line.
You would draw the line, yeah, just not seven of them in a bow, like that.
LAUGHTER - So, you're saying yeah? - I'm saying truth, Lee, yeah.
- So, you're both saying true.
- Come on.
I'll go with my team and say she does have this irrational fear.
You're saying it's true.
Stacey, truth or lie? It is, in fact, a lie.
Well done.
Whoa! APPLAUSE I love rainbows! - Fay Ripley, you're up next.
- Right.
Hm! I was once investigated by Interpol after a holiday romance with a water-skiing instructor.
- Lee's team.
- Where was he a water-skiing instructor? Corfu.
What part of your life was this? What year was it, let's say? UmI don't really remember, but I would guess at mid 20s.
The 1920s, or? LAUGHTER I was young enough to go away with my parents.
- I was on holiday with my parents.
- So, what was his name? - Fanos.
- Fanos? I'll tell you why I'm already doubting that, you just happened to look around the studio and there's a fan over there.
Kind of thinking his name could have been Camera-os, Audience-os.
LAUGHTER So, when did Interpol get involved? There was a burglary from one of the hotel rooms and some money was stolen.
How much money was taken? - £75,000.
- What?! - Oh, wow! £75,000.
Worth.
Of what? £75,000 worth of money? LAUGHTER That's £75,000, isn't it? Jewellery.
They thought that at the airport, when we were waving goodbye, he had passed me the goods.
They were suggesting I was some kind of donkey.
I think it's a mule, isn't it? - Ah, is it? - Not a donkey.
- LAUGHTER - I didn't actually know that.
APPLAUSE And so, when did Interpol get involved, when you were back home? Because Yes.
I was playing a record in my, erflat, and I left to go and get something from the shops and I heard the record coming out of a van outside my flat.
Have I had a blackout? Because I don't know what's going on now.
Is it just me? Is it just me that's not following? I think Fay means What do you mean? I think she means that Interpol had bugged your flat and you heard a recording of the inside of your flat from the Interpol van.
Do you know Fanos? Because you're all over this story.
What was the song? It was a Barbra Streisand song from Yentl.
It didn't do very well.
What was the song? Papa Can You Hear Me? - Oh, a lovely tune! - Ah! - But not on Yentl.
- It so is! - It certainly is.
That was a test.
LAUGHTER You hear the Barbra, how do you know that they're Interpol? So I was just paranoid, I couldn't understand it, - but when my dad rang me - Yes? .
.
to say, "I think you're being followed by Interpol" Now, OK, what on Earth made him think that? Because some bloke he knows tipped him off.
Some bloke he knows tipped him off about Interpol? What line of work is your dad in? - He's a businessman.
- Oh, he sounds suspicious.
- Oh! It's a bit vague, isn't it? Yeah.
The Talented Mr Ripley.
LAUGHTER - Very good.
- APPLAUSE - From what you know about Fona Funos.
- Fanos.
He's not a real person, so it's OK.
LAUGHTER .
.
do you think he was capable of committing that kind of heinous crime? Well, I suppose II loved him.
He was Can you describe the moment LAUGHTER .
.
when you realised you were in love with him? "When he gave me £75,000 worth of jewellery.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, what are you thinking? There is an essence of truth for me.
What, that she once went on holiday? LAUGHTER I think that Fay is lying.
From the start, she looked like she was riffing it, and then very quickly had the look in her eyes of someone who's out of their depth.
LAUGHTER I think it's a lie, you say it's a lie, you think it's true.
- You do this.
- It's a lie.
It's nonsense.
You're going to say it's a lie? All right, Fay Ripley, holiday romance, Interpol, truth or lie? It istrue.
- SHOCKED GASPS - Wow! APPLAUSE Mark, you're up next.
A-huh! One Halloween, I was quizzed by the police while dressed as a caveman because another caveman had just robbed an off-licence around the corner.
David's team.
It's an unsuitable costume for Halloween, isn't it? I thought you dressed as witches and things on Halloween.
It used to be that way, but then the Americans made us dress as, like, Scooby-Doo and things.
We didn't used to have Halloween.
No, exactly.
What we used to do is celebrate the burning of a Catholic.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING Do they celebrate Halloween in Scotland? - Yes.
- Do they call it something else, like HEAVY ACCENT: Halloween? - LAUGHTER - Halloween.
Why had you selected a caveman outfit? I had very little money, I was a student and it was kind of all I could cobble tog cobble together in the house.
- So, what had you done? - I had a throw on the couch, which was kind of one of those polyester fur things, which I'd wrapped around myself.
I'd made sure I was wearing pants.
Hold on, hold on.
You say the other caveman was arrested for robbing a shop? Well, there had been a robbery that night in the area where I lived and it was somebody dressed very similarly to me.
Where are you going to put the stuff you've robbed if you're dressed as a caveman? You've got no pockets.
He did not rob anything.
LAUGHTER I'm fascinated by this other man.
LAUGHTER - This man that robbed the shop.
- Yeah.
Who was also, presumably, wearing the same outfit.
That is unbeliev It's a lie! I think LAUGHTER I think what we're saying is, you did rob the off-licence.
LAUGHTER When the policeman approached you, what did he say to you? He said, "Excuse me, sir, could you ".
.
could you show me what you've got in your furry throw?" Was he definitely a policeman? Well, he was dressed like one Because it was Halloween! It was Halloween.
How did how did it end? He, umhe searched me, and he then sort of said, because there's been athere's been an incident down at the offie Ah, I was hoping you were going to say, "murder".
LAUGHTER There's been a murder down at the offie.
And, er There was a murder down at the offie about 200,000 years ago and you fit the description.
LAUGHTER Eryeah.
So he kind of He let mehe let me go, essentially.
So, umwhat are you thinking? I know what Sheila's thinking.
- Oh, definitely.
- You think it's? - A lie.
- A lie.
Definitely a lie? I think he might be telling the truth.
True, lie, true, lie.
Ah! Lie.
They're saying it's a lie.
Is it the truth, or is it a lie? Well, I'm sorry to tell you that it is, in fact, a lie.
APPLAUSE Jordan, you're next.
I missed Kanye West's entire set at Glastonbury because I was trapped in my sleeping bag.
- LAUGHTER - Lee's team.
When you say trapped in your sleeping bag, I'm picturing a sleeping bag as something you can just sort of, if it doesn't unzip, you just crawl out the big end at the end.
- The head end.
- What's it called, the hole? - The end.
- The orifice! The orifice! I just call it the orifice of rest.
Yes.
LAUGHTER It was one of these sleeping bags where you can zip up your whole - Your head was in it? - Yeah.
- You had just your little face showing? - Well, no, no.
- HE LAUGHS - That's a sort of CSI use that kind of sleeping bag.
- Yeah.
Where does the zip go on the sleeping bag? So it's, like, you zip up and then, like - And all the way down? - Yeah, but then it comes to a point You've gone in, you've zipped all the way down, up and down there.
I'd basically got in and at some point, - I'd got, like, a piece of material caught in the zip.
- Oh, yeah.
And then the worst part about it was - You were suffocating to death.
- LAUGHTER No, like, the worst part about it was that everyone went to Kanye, and so, my screams were You know, no-one could hear me shout.
They thought you were just very enthusiastic about Kanye West.
Yeah, they were, like I was, like, "No! Please!" - They're, like, "Yeah!" - LAUGHTER - Were you sharing this tent with someone? - Yeah.
- Who? No, it was like a big tepee.
- How many of you were in the big tepee? - Seven.
- Seven.
- Odd number.
LAUGHTER Did you not think to just sort of crawl out and sort of? - Oh, actually wiggle out? - Yeah.
- Why didn't you crawl in? - And go see Kanye like a caterpillar! Yeah, why didn't you crawl to the front flap and ask for help? I, umI didn't think of that.
You didn't think? How long were you in there for? I don't know.
It was quite comfortable, ultimately.
Sorry, is the real truth of this story that you woke up and thought, "I can't be bothered", and went back to sleep again? LAUGHTER What do you think, Lee, is he telling the truth? I find it hard to believe that there is a sleeping bag that exists - that zips up all the way around.
- It's a weird way to zip.
- Guys, yeah, it - All the way round? - Yeah! Lee, you're sitting there, saying you don't think it's possible to get a sleeping bag with a zip that goes all the way round? - You're missing the point.
- I'm staggered by this.
Why can you not get a sleeping bag that zips all the way up the side, goes over the head and then just stops about here? - What's the benefit of it going all the way down to the bottom? - Warmth! Are you absolutely insane? How does that make it warmer, that it goes all Because heat stays in! - No, but he means - It stays in in my version because there's no gap at the side, you cretin! The zip goes up the side, it goes at the top, you open it like a book, but the bit in the middle is joined together! You get in, like a little sandwich-maker, it closes up again, you pop your head out the faceless coffin and then you zip it from the inside, like that! You don't need to go - This is the most pointless conversation! - Is everyone following my version? Imagine you're in a No, we've got to move on now, Rob.
Imagine you're LAUGHTER Are we saying this is truth, or a lie? - I'm saying it's a lie.
- Lee! Lee! - You're saying it's the truth? - I think it's true.
- We say it's true.
Right, you're in a tent, right? It's very cold.
Press your button.
Is it truth, or a lie? Don't do anything.
I am in charge of this.
Press the button, Jordan! You do it, that's it, you won't win anything.
Press the button, Jordan! Don't listen to him, press the button.
Is it truth or a lie? Don't you dare! LAUGHTER Lee, zip it! All the way around, or just halfway? APPLAUSE What are you saying, Lee? - It is - Not yet! Wait! - No, no! He'll go berserk.
- I'm His only role is to say when to press the button.
That's right.
It's what I do.
It's what I do.
- I think it's true.
- You think it's true? - I think it's true.
- Then we go true.
You're going to say true.
Jordan, was it the truth, or was it a lie? You can press it now.
- LAUGHTER - No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! You don't tell him - Well, I wasn't, really.
- .
.
when to press it.
- It's all right, it's all right.
- No, no, that's not how it works.
- Rob, I wasn't telling him.
I wasn't telling him.
- Right Wait.
I'm going back, I'm going to tell you again.
LAUGHTER Oh, it's a lie.
Sorry! - APPLAUSE - What he's done?! CHEERING - Oh, my God! - Sorry.
Well, that's all we've time for on this special edition of Would I Lie To You? Thanks for watching.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Joining Lee Mack tonight, Jo Brand, Ade Edmondson, James Acaster, Mark Bonner, Sara Pasco, Steve Davis, Ore Oduba, Cariad Lloyd and Gabby Logan.
And joining David Mitchell, Claude Littner, Kimberly Wyatt, Claudia Winkleman, Fay Ripley, Jordan Stephens, Stacey Solomon, David Baddiel, Craig Parkinson and Sheila Hancock.
And we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they have no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction, and we're starting tonight with Jo.
OK.
I once got on the tube with a live pigeon in my pocket.
David's team.
- Why was the pigeon in your pocket? - It was quite badly injured.
Oh, so you were being a Good Samaritan to pigeons? Ish, I was a bit peckish.
You hadn't yet decided, it could go either way.
What had happened to the pigeon? - What had happened to it? - Yeah.
Went very nicely with some roast potatoes No, no, I took it, I took it to, actually to the local vets when I got home.
So, where did you find? It was lying on the pavement.
And what was the nature of the garment, in the pocket of which you placed the pigeon? It was a clown's outfit.
And it's your own fault for standing on it in the first place with your big feet.
It was a duffle coat, a duffle coat.
A duffle coat.
But did you think about just carrying it or did you think I'll put it in my pocket? Cos if it's a pigeon that's struggling, I think it's probably causing it more pain.
It wasn't, it was beyond struggling it was, it was - A dead pigeon.
- A dead pigeon? - No.
It was, it was kind of really knackered and Can I ask, were you going to somewhere when this happened or were you going back home? I was going to somewhere.
So, you went to a meeting, possibly a high level TV meeting, about - There are other places available, David.
- No, not I'm just guessing, with a pigeon in your pocket.
I like the fact you gave it two options, a meeting or a high level TV meeting.
I'm trying to imagine.
I was going to the local hospital to have a smear.
Oh! Wow.
While it was in your pocket, did it start flapping? - No.
- So, it It was just completely quiet, but not dead, in your pocket.
Did you have some seed in your pocket? Of course she did! We all carry emergency Trill.
What are you thinking? Kimberly, does it, does it have the ring of truth for you? I think it's a lie.
I've saved a pigeon before and it was quite badly hurt.
- Oh, here we go.
- And it was really flappy.
Am I the only person that hasn't saved a pigeon? - I haven't.
- No, I haven't.
I have a hard time believing it would sit in the pocket.
What were the circumstances for you, Kimberly? I was at my flat.
My now husband was gone, and I I'm sorry to hear that.
LAUGHTER Very brave of you to talk about it on the show.
There was a lot of commotion outside, so I went to look and there was a pigeon struggling.
I was worried to touch it because I thought of diseases and things, - so I left it - Oh, me, me, me! .
.
and I had to go away and think about what to do.
- So, what did you do? - I Tweeted about it.
Tweeted?! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Beautiful! Beautiful! Did he Tweet back? Well, somebody did and they sent a cab to get the pigeon to take it to the Wildlife Foundation to save it.
- I really don't believe this.
- LAUGHTER So, what are you thinking, David? Well, Kimberly, what do you think? Do you think it's true? - I just think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie? - I think it's a lie.
Lie? I think we think it's a lie.
OK, you're saying lie.
Jo, truth or lie? It isa lie.
APPLAUSE - Claudia, you're up next.
- Good! A-hem! It once took four people to rescue me after I got stuck in a baby's cot.
- LAUGHTER - Lee's team.
Right.
First of all, how old were you? - ErI was a grown-up.
- Why were you in a cot? Well, because I was trying it out, just to see how it felt.
Did you not have a cot when you were a baby? I did, but I couldn't remember what that felt like.
So, was it in someone's house? Wait a second.
No.
It was in a cot shop.
- Showroom.
Showroom.
- Yes! It was in a show Thank you! - Were you thinking of having a child? - I was pregnant.
- Oh, you were very pregnant.
- I was pregnant.
- Oh! - Ah! - And so I was there and I thought, - "I can't buy a cot without trying it".
- Of course.
You know, you need a test-drive of beds.
You know, do I need? I'm glad you weren't buying a potty.
LAUGHTER How did you get in the cot if you were so heavily pregnant? Yes.
Good.
Excellent.
- Well, there are ridges, you know, bars - Yeah.
.
.
on the side of the cot, and I sort of just wheeled myself in, - and then it was embarrassing because - Wheeled yourself in? - Frontwards? - Frontwards, yes.
So like a dive, like a swallow dive.
But those things usually come down, don't they, at the side? You can sort of move them down a bit.
- Oh, that's what I did.
What I did - Oh, hang on.
- LAUGHTER - Such a good point! On the side of the cot, I don't know if you're aware, they have a little - I'm aware because I just told you.
- Yes.
Good.
And I just got it down and I got in the cot just to see how it would feel.
Is it comfy? - And then, did you put the bars back up again? - I don't - This, I can't Yes.
- You must have done, otherwise you wouldn't have been stuck.
- I did.
I put the Exactly! - Was there a? It's like you were there! How did you get out, then? Did somebody help you? - The people had to help me - Four people.
- In the cot, and put Exactly! Four people.
- Who were these people? Well, they were just the people who worked in John Lewis.
Four people's a lot.
Or maybe it's just a good service at John Lewis.
It is a good shop.
I think you've got two fragile things.
- You don't want to hurt the woman who's pregnant - Cot.
- Yes! And maybe mentally ill, and then LAUGHTER And, umand then you have the other side of it, which is you've got a product on display.
- Cot for sale, cot for sale.
- You don't want it to be kind of damaged.
- You don't want it to be.
- Let's not forget the unborn baby.
And the tiny baby.
So, what do you think, Lee? Hm.
What do you think, Steve, truth or lie? I've got a feeling it's true.
If you'd have been stuck in a cot, how many people would've helped you? Well, it would have been length problems more than anything else.
It would be an odd-shaped cot that you could fit in.
- A coffin.
- Only head would have been - Coffin? - A coffin? - It's the opposite to cot.
- "Steve Davis stuck in coffin.
" - It's a big, long In a coffin shop, would you try that out to see if it's comfy? You know, because you're in that a lot longer, aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah, that's nice.
So, what are you going to say? I'm going to say it's true.
All right.
Claudia, truth or lie? It istrue.
APPLAUSE Claude, you're next.
At a recent party, I rendered Lord Sugar's pet parrot mute after I'd pinged it on the beak with a champagne cork.
- LAUGHTER - Lee's team.
Talk us through the incident.
Well, I spend quite a lot of time with Lord Sugar, as you can quite imagine.
- Why? - Why? Yeah.
- Because we're pals.
- You're pals? - Why? Why? He's worked under Lord Sugar for how long? Not under.
Not necessarily under.
- LAUGHTER - He's worked for Lord Sugar - With.
- How? - He's been Lord Sugar's slave for How long has it been, Claude? - A long, long time.
- Has it? - It's been a lot time.
- Yeah.
OK.
So, you're at Were you at a party, did you say? Yeah.
One of our many parties.
- What was the party for? - His birthday.
- Where was the party? - In the West End somewhere.
I can't remember the hotel.
- Did you say his parrot? - It is his parrot, yes.
- He took his parrot to the party? - To the party.
- He does.
He does.
- Was it a bring-your-own-parrot party? No, no, it's part of the general ambience of the evening.
Oh! What else did he bring to help with this ambience? - Just his friends.
- So he brings To create an ambience, he brings his friend, always, and a parrot? Not always his parrot, but on this occasion, he brought his parrot.
- I don't know what's so unusual.
- LAUGHTER What happens when he doesn't bring his parrot? Are you, like, "This is a rubbish party.
Where's the parrot"? No.
No, not at all.
On occasions If somebody had a parrot and didn't bring it to a party and sometimes did, when they didn't, I'd be, "What's wrong with you?" - No.
- "Where's the parrot?" If every time they brought a parrot and then once, they didn't, I wouldn't dare ask about the parrot.
Don't mention the parrot and don't eat the chicken wings.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Talk us through the incident.
- What happened? You were getting the champagne bottle No, I wasn't getting the champagne bottle as such, - What actually happened was - You were bringing the champagne for Lord Sugar.
- We were It was a - LAUGHTER You'd already been going around the room saying, "Red or white? "Red or white?" And now it's your time to bring the champagne.
What happens next? We were at the party, we were having a jolly good time and it came a moment when the champagne was poured.
- OK? As happens in those kind of parties.
- Yeah.
- Isn't that right, David? - I've had champagne in my life.
LAUGHTER I thought, as a bit of a joke - Oh, OK.
- .
.
a bit of a joke - Yeah.
- I thought I'd just kind of put the cork onto the parrot's beak.
- You threw it! - For a bit of a joke - You threw it at the parrot? - Like that.
- You kept it in your hand? - Yes.
- That's vicious! - That's even more vicious! - No, no, no.
- Because that's like a punch with a cork.
This talking parrot, what does it normally say? Look, I've got to say, I haven't got an intimate kind of appreciation - We're not suggesting that for a moment.
- I think he was.
You said you rendered it mute, is that correct? Well, look, for those few moments, it didn't know what had hit him.
But whatwhatwhat was he saying before you made him mute? Pretty Sugar! Pretty Sugar! No, was what you had to say to him, wasn't it? LAUGHTER What happened next? Because I imagine Lord Sugar, or Al, as I call him, I imagine he was quite upset by this.
- He was upset.
- Yes.
- He was very, very upset.
- Yes.
- Did he get his head out the cage and try and peck you? - Lord Sugar? LAUGHTER So, is he telling the truth? Umit seems a particularly mean thing to do.
- I think it's a lie.
- I think it's a lie.
The fact that Alan Sugar has brought a parrot to a party is the bit that I doubt.
- You're saying it's a lie? Cariad, you're saying it's a lie? - I think so.
Ade says it's a lie.
I will go with my team.
OK, so you're saying it's a lie.
Claude, truth or lie? - I'm afraid it's a lie.
- APPLAUSE Steve, you're up next.
I used to coach the Sultan of Brunei's son until he sacked me over an incident with a cheese sandwich.
- Oh! - David's team.
In what activity did you coach the Sultan of Brunei's son? LAUGHTER Snooker.
- Snooker? - Love it! Love snooker! Where did this tutoring take place? Not in the snooker club because, obviously, for security reasons, um OK, yeah, I'll ask that again.
Where didn't it take place? LAUGHTER - And you can just say - No comment.
No comment.
.
.
you know, snooker club, bouncy castle, whatever.
I had to go to his house in London.
Oh, they must have some money.
- How - LAUGHTER .
.
how often did you tutor him? Was this a long-running thing? Well, he Until he got bored.
I was part of that.
Right.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK.
You mentioned a cheese sandwich.
What's the significance of that? So one of the things I used to do was to give myself a reward when I did well.
So if I made a 50 break or a 100 break, then I could have a cheese sandwich.
So I thought I'd try and teach him the same values.
So, what would you ask him to do in order to obtain a cheese sandwich? Pot three redsthree blacks.
- What, in a row? - Well, that's usually how you play the game.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER And his reward was a mini Babybel and a roll? I asked him what was his favourite food, and he said a cheese sandwich.
The son of the Sultan of Brunei's favourite food - is a cheese sandwich? - Well - He probably tires of all the - Caviar.
- .
.
unicorn-liver pate and LAUGHTER We need to find out why you lost the job, because it was part of this cheese sandwich.
I think he'd never been told - that he couldn't have a sandwich before.
- Well done? So, he did consent to do all the potting before he'd eat the cheese sandwich - Yes.
- .
.
but then there was an atmosphere? LAUGHTER Steve, when you started coaching to when you were dismissed, did you see a significant improvement in his game? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Did you? - Six times world champion.
- LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, it's time to guess, David.
What do you think? - I think it's true.
- Yeah.
- You think it's true? True? - We're going to say true.
- You're going to say it's true.
Steve, was it true, or was it a lie? - It was true.
- APPLAUSE - Stacey, you're next.
- OK.
I'm frightened of rainbows and I refuse to go outside when sunshine immediately follows the rain.
- Wow! - Lee's team.
So, how long have you been scared of rainbows? Probably since I was a kid, to be honest.
What started it? Was it Zippy? I just don't like them.
I thinkI think they're mysterious.
You don't know where they end.
And there's apparently, a little short man at the end that's, like, "Oh, I've got a pot of gold"! LAUGHTER I don't like the thought of the light spectrum - hitting all different angles, going everywhere and - Making a mess.
.
.
creating this colourful strip through the sky.
This is like the craziest version of Open University I've ever watched.
LAUGHTER I just don't like I don't like the ideology of rainbows, - I don't like the fact that they're.
- Can I just? "Look at me, I'm all the colours of the rainbow! Whaa!" Can I just check, isis this actually happening? - LAUGHTER - It's a weird one, isn't it? I didn't think Stacey would come on and go, "I don't like the ideology of rainbows".
Ideology of rainbows? Susie, is there a word for someone who dislikes rainbows? Hm.
I've got one.
LAUGHTER I don't think there is.
Just the thought of it coming out of the sky.
Coming out of nowhere and landing on the floor.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but they don't fall from the sky.
What's that chicken that was scared of the sky falling down? - Chicken Licken.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Could you empathise with him? Oh, I can completely see where he's coming from.
LAUGHTER So, what do you think, Lee, is she, er? APPLAUSE Is she telling the truth? What do you think, Ore? I think you can have irrational fears, can't you? You can.
Yeah, but you've got to draw the line.
You would draw the line, yeah, just not seven of them in a bow, like that.
LAUGHTER - So, you're saying yeah? - I'm saying truth, Lee, yeah.
- So, you're both saying true.
- Come on.
I'll go with my team and say she does have this irrational fear.
You're saying it's true.
Stacey, truth or lie? It is, in fact, a lie.
Well done.
Whoa! APPLAUSE I love rainbows! - Fay Ripley, you're up next.
- Right.
Hm! I was once investigated by Interpol after a holiday romance with a water-skiing instructor.
- Lee's team.
- Where was he a water-skiing instructor? Corfu.
What part of your life was this? What year was it, let's say? UmI don't really remember, but I would guess at mid 20s.
The 1920s, or? LAUGHTER I was young enough to go away with my parents.
- I was on holiday with my parents.
- So, what was his name? - Fanos.
- Fanos? I'll tell you why I'm already doubting that, you just happened to look around the studio and there's a fan over there.
Kind of thinking his name could have been Camera-os, Audience-os.
LAUGHTER So, when did Interpol get involved? There was a burglary from one of the hotel rooms and some money was stolen.
How much money was taken? - £75,000.
- What?! - Oh, wow! £75,000.
Worth.
Of what? £75,000 worth of money? LAUGHTER That's £75,000, isn't it? Jewellery.
They thought that at the airport, when we were waving goodbye, he had passed me the goods.
They were suggesting I was some kind of donkey.
I think it's a mule, isn't it? - Ah, is it? - Not a donkey.
- LAUGHTER - I didn't actually know that.
APPLAUSE And so, when did Interpol get involved, when you were back home? Because Yes.
I was playing a record in my, erflat, and I left to go and get something from the shops and I heard the record coming out of a van outside my flat.
Have I had a blackout? Because I don't know what's going on now.
Is it just me? Is it just me that's not following? I think Fay means What do you mean? I think she means that Interpol had bugged your flat and you heard a recording of the inside of your flat from the Interpol van.
Do you know Fanos? Because you're all over this story.
What was the song? It was a Barbra Streisand song from Yentl.
It didn't do very well.
What was the song? Papa Can You Hear Me? - Oh, a lovely tune! - Ah! - But not on Yentl.
- It so is! - It certainly is.
That was a test.
LAUGHTER You hear the Barbra, how do you know that they're Interpol? So I was just paranoid, I couldn't understand it, - but when my dad rang me - Yes? .
.
to say, "I think you're being followed by Interpol" Now, OK, what on Earth made him think that? Because some bloke he knows tipped him off.
Some bloke he knows tipped him off about Interpol? What line of work is your dad in? - He's a businessman.
- Oh, he sounds suspicious.
- Oh! It's a bit vague, isn't it? Yeah.
The Talented Mr Ripley.
LAUGHTER - Very good.
- APPLAUSE - From what you know about Fona Funos.
- Fanos.
He's not a real person, so it's OK.
LAUGHTER .
.
do you think he was capable of committing that kind of heinous crime? Well, I suppose II loved him.
He was Can you describe the moment LAUGHTER .
.
when you realised you were in love with him? "When he gave me £75,000 worth of jewellery.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, what are you thinking? There is an essence of truth for me.
What, that she once went on holiday? LAUGHTER I think that Fay is lying.
From the start, she looked like she was riffing it, and then very quickly had the look in her eyes of someone who's out of their depth.
LAUGHTER I think it's a lie, you say it's a lie, you think it's true.
- You do this.
- It's a lie.
It's nonsense.
You're going to say it's a lie? All right, Fay Ripley, holiday romance, Interpol, truth or lie? It istrue.
- SHOCKED GASPS - Wow! APPLAUSE Mark, you're up next.
A-huh! One Halloween, I was quizzed by the police while dressed as a caveman because another caveman had just robbed an off-licence around the corner.
David's team.
It's an unsuitable costume for Halloween, isn't it? I thought you dressed as witches and things on Halloween.
It used to be that way, but then the Americans made us dress as, like, Scooby-Doo and things.
We didn't used to have Halloween.
No, exactly.
What we used to do is celebrate the burning of a Catholic.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING Do they celebrate Halloween in Scotland? - Yes.
- Do they call it something else, like HEAVY ACCENT: Halloween? - LAUGHTER - Halloween.
Why had you selected a caveman outfit? I had very little money, I was a student and it was kind of all I could cobble tog cobble together in the house.
- So, what had you done? - I had a throw on the couch, which was kind of one of those polyester fur things, which I'd wrapped around myself.
I'd made sure I was wearing pants.
Hold on, hold on.
You say the other caveman was arrested for robbing a shop? Well, there had been a robbery that night in the area where I lived and it was somebody dressed very similarly to me.
Where are you going to put the stuff you've robbed if you're dressed as a caveman? You've got no pockets.
He did not rob anything.
LAUGHTER I'm fascinated by this other man.
LAUGHTER - This man that robbed the shop.
- Yeah.
Who was also, presumably, wearing the same outfit.
That is unbeliev It's a lie! I think LAUGHTER I think what we're saying is, you did rob the off-licence.
LAUGHTER When the policeman approached you, what did he say to you? He said, "Excuse me, sir, could you ".
.
could you show me what you've got in your furry throw?" Was he definitely a policeman? Well, he was dressed like one Because it was Halloween! It was Halloween.
How did how did it end? He, umhe searched me, and he then sort of said, because there's been athere's been an incident down at the offie Ah, I was hoping you were going to say, "murder".
LAUGHTER There's been a murder down at the offie.
And, er There was a murder down at the offie about 200,000 years ago and you fit the description.
LAUGHTER Eryeah.
So he kind of He let mehe let me go, essentially.
So, umwhat are you thinking? I know what Sheila's thinking.
- Oh, definitely.
- You think it's? - A lie.
- A lie.
Definitely a lie? I think he might be telling the truth.
True, lie, true, lie.
Ah! Lie.
They're saying it's a lie.
Is it the truth, or is it a lie? Well, I'm sorry to tell you that it is, in fact, a lie.
APPLAUSE Jordan, you're next.
I missed Kanye West's entire set at Glastonbury because I was trapped in my sleeping bag.
- LAUGHTER - Lee's team.
When you say trapped in your sleeping bag, I'm picturing a sleeping bag as something you can just sort of, if it doesn't unzip, you just crawl out the big end at the end.
- The head end.
- What's it called, the hole? - The end.
- The orifice! The orifice! I just call it the orifice of rest.
Yes.
LAUGHTER It was one of these sleeping bags where you can zip up your whole - Your head was in it? - Yeah.
- You had just your little face showing? - Well, no, no.
- HE LAUGHS - That's a sort of CSI use that kind of sleeping bag.
- Yeah.
Where does the zip go on the sleeping bag? So it's, like, you zip up and then, like - And all the way down? - Yeah, but then it comes to a point You've gone in, you've zipped all the way down, up and down there.
I'd basically got in and at some point, - I'd got, like, a piece of material caught in the zip.
- Oh, yeah.
And then the worst part about it was - You were suffocating to death.
- LAUGHTER No, like, the worst part about it was that everyone went to Kanye, and so, my screams were You know, no-one could hear me shout.
They thought you were just very enthusiastic about Kanye West.
Yeah, they were, like I was, like, "No! Please!" - They're, like, "Yeah!" - LAUGHTER - Were you sharing this tent with someone? - Yeah.
- Who? No, it was like a big tepee.
- How many of you were in the big tepee? - Seven.
- Seven.
- Odd number.
LAUGHTER Did you not think to just sort of crawl out and sort of? - Oh, actually wiggle out? - Yeah.
- Why didn't you crawl in? - And go see Kanye like a caterpillar! Yeah, why didn't you crawl to the front flap and ask for help? I, umI didn't think of that.
You didn't think? How long were you in there for? I don't know.
It was quite comfortable, ultimately.
Sorry, is the real truth of this story that you woke up and thought, "I can't be bothered", and went back to sleep again? LAUGHTER What do you think, Lee, is he telling the truth? I find it hard to believe that there is a sleeping bag that exists - that zips up all the way around.
- It's a weird way to zip.
- Guys, yeah, it - All the way round? - Yeah! Lee, you're sitting there, saying you don't think it's possible to get a sleeping bag with a zip that goes all the way round? - You're missing the point.
- I'm staggered by this.
Why can you not get a sleeping bag that zips all the way up the side, goes over the head and then just stops about here? - What's the benefit of it going all the way down to the bottom? - Warmth! Are you absolutely insane? How does that make it warmer, that it goes all Because heat stays in! - No, but he means - It stays in in my version because there's no gap at the side, you cretin! The zip goes up the side, it goes at the top, you open it like a book, but the bit in the middle is joined together! You get in, like a little sandwich-maker, it closes up again, you pop your head out the faceless coffin and then you zip it from the inside, like that! You don't need to go - This is the most pointless conversation! - Is everyone following my version? Imagine you're in a No, we've got to move on now, Rob.
Imagine you're LAUGHTER Are we saying this is truth, or a lie? - I'm saying it's a lie.
- Lee! Lee! - You're saying it's the truth? - I think it's true.
- We say it's true.
Right, you're in a tent, right? It's very cold.
Press your button.
Is it truth, or a lie? Don't do anything.
I am in charge of this.
Press the button, Jordan! You do it, that's it, you won't win anything.
Press the button, Jordan! Don't listen to him, press the button.
Is it truth or a lie? Don't you dare! LAUGHTER Lee, zip it! All the way around, or just halfway? APPLAUSE What are you saying, Lee? - It is - Not yet! Wait! - No, no! He'll go berserk.
- I'm His only role is to say when to press the button.
That's right.
It's what I do.
It's what I do.
- I think it's true.
- You think it's true? - I think it's true.
- Then we go true.
You're going to say true.
Jordan, was it the truth, or was it a lie? You can press it now.
- LAUGHTER - No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! You don't tell him - Well, I wasn't, really.
- .
.
when to press it.
- It's all right, it's all right.
- No, no, that's not how it works.
- Rob, I wasn't telling him.
I wasn't telling him.
- Right Wait.
I'm going back, I'm going to tell you again.
LAUGHTER Oh, it's a lie.
Sorry! - APPLAUSE - What he's done?! CHEERING - Oh, my God! - Sorry.
Well, that's all we've time for on this special edition of Would I Lie To You? Thanks for watching.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE