The Graham Norton Show (2007) s11e10 Episode Script
Russell Brand, Emily Blunt, Paloma Faith
1 Hey, we're going '80s rock this week! Time for a stage dive.
Ow! Oooh! Agh! Stop it.
What are you doing? Agh! OK, careful! Let me go! Ow! Let's start the show! Good evening, everybody! Hello, hello, hello, hello! Oh! Thank you very much.
Can I, can I just say, some of that touching then was inappropriate.
Hey, listen, what a sexy show we've got for you tonight.
Comic turned Hollywood actor Russell Brand is on the show, ladies and gentleman.
The gorgeous and talented Emily Blunt is here.
And we've got music and chat from Paloma Faith! Two beautiful women and Russell Brand.
Uh-oh! Russell has had, shall we say, a colourful life, and he revealed all in his autobiography My Booky Wook.
A lot of people couldn't resist having a look at the lurid sexual details.
She was checking to see if she is in it.
"Phew, not mentioned.
" Over the last few years, Russell's been in so many comedy films, Get Him To The Greek, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and, of course, St Trinian's.
Based in a girls' boarding school.
That must be tough, mustn't it? I mean, who'd want to dump their daughter somewhere and then go home without them? Yep.
Running the country! Now, Russell's new film Rock Of Ages is all set in the '80s.
Remember those mad groups, the big hair, the crazy dancing, bands like Motley Crue, Poison, The Nolans! What a shit decade that was.
Emily Blunt is here, star of The Devil Wears Prada, so many great films.
She lives in LA now, but still British through and through.
Despite the weather, she's really enjoying being back in the country.
Yeah, she's been watching the tennis at Queens.
She went for a lovely walk along the beach.
And she even found time to go to a music festival.
Oh, oh! Beautiful! Look at you! Oh! Mwah and mwah! Sit yourself down, you shiny creature! Thank you.
He's my favourite guesty-west, it's Russell Brand! Oh! Hello! Very nice to see you.
Have a seat.
Hello.
And to put it bluntly, I love this woman - it is Emily Blunt! Hello, darling.
So nice to see you again.
Nice to be here.
Oh, what a lovely couch! Yes.
And remain calm, Russell.
I'm very comfortable here on this banquette.
Now, you both have been on the show before.
Paloma - your first time on the show.
Yeah, I'm a show virgin.
Aw! So will your family all be watching? Actually, my mum said she's not going to watch cos she goes, "You and Russell Brand, "you are going to offend a large portion of society together.
"And it's not a good combo, and I can't bear to watch for my nerves.
" She can't have watched much of Emily Blunt's stuff, then, cos she'd know that this is the real risk.
I've just offended Russell backstage cos his pants were falling down and one of his nice women who was with him - I'm not saying he's got a harem but there's a nice lady who's probably looking after you and your clothes and No, it's part of the harem.
And she whispered to him, "Pull your pants up," cos they were coming down.
" He pulled them up and then I said, "Do your belt up tighter," and he ripped the Velcro on his sash, and I said, "Wow! A Velcro sash," and he thought I was being rude, but I was really saying, "Wow, that is amazing!" What do you know about sashes? I used to wear sashes.
Pffft! Was that in the early '90s? Yeah, my favourite outfit was white jeans, with a sash, a purple sash, a waistcoat and a white polo neck.
Lovely! You should have been more supportive of my sash, then! I know, I really made a mistake.
Emily, have you gone a bit LA? Me? Yes.
Don't you play golf now? Well, I played it sort of five times.
That's a lot! Does that make me an avid golfer? Yes! I quite like it.
I really like kind of whizzing around on the cart with beers in the back! Oh, OK.
That's the fun part.
OK, yeah, that sounds fun.
Now, this is very I love how kind of California this is.
You swim with dolphins? No.
Well, I have taken up the hobby of scuba diving, which I really, really enjoy.
Um, I've been shark diving which was kind of amazing, although I had a real close encounter with a shark.
A little shark? It wasn't, it was about six feet.
Did it eat people? Was it that type? Well, it wasn't but Why are you trying to diminish my story?! Right, it's just a type of fish.
You went near a fish.
Let me tell the story.
People do that That's your story, I was near a fish once.
Let me tell it.
It could have eaten your hand.
It could have eaten your hand.
Don't clap him! Thank you.
I love you.
I am one of you.
I am here for you.
I am going to just shit on all of your stories.
Don't you have rules for swimming with dolphins? With dolphins? I heard that you're not supposed to touch a dolphin, unless they come to you and offer themselves for a rubdown.
Oh! Expose themselves! You're not supposed to touch them.
Why? Because dolphins mate for life and if you touch one of them, the other one can smell your touch on them, and they think that they've cheated on them, and you can break up a dolphin marriage.
That is true.
That is fact.
I know.
I'm going to have to phone up SeaWorld directly.
I've been down one's blowhole.
Well, Paloma Faith, she's had a dolphin orgy, if that's the case.
Yeah, I reckon I've broken up a few dolphin marriages.
Why, what did you do? I went to Cuba and I was in a situation where they were like, "Do you want to swim with dolphins?" and they actually taught me how to sort of be lifted up on the nose of two dolphins.
What, with your foot on each nose? If you think she's making this up, somebody filmed it.
That's a good story.
Oh, shut up.
We've got the footage.
Not, "Oh, I was near a fish once.
" She stood up on two dolphins.
It was a shark.
It came like that to me.
That's not nice.
Let's have a look at this.
This is brilliant, this.
Nice work! I'm well into this.
Now look, that's Paloma.
Oh, brilliant! It's not great to begin with, I'll give you that.
It does look like a woman in the water.
Now watch this.
Wow! Wow! Isn't that good? That's amazing! What a great story! No, that is amazing.
Oh, brilliant! Well done.
Oh Emily, have you got footage of you near that fish? I hate your sash! Emily Blunt, Emily Blunt, worry not, we're going to big you up because your new movie, The Five-Year Engagement - out next Friday.
Yes.
It's from the people who made Forgetting Sarah Marshall Or that shite film Get Him To The Greek, yeah.
That's not very nice.
Dear, oh, dear.
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
So, basically, it is what you think it's going to be.
It's a rom-com but it's got big belly laughs, big physical laughs.
Yes, it has.
Well, I hope so anyway.
No, it does.
I've seen it.
Oh, good, I'm glad.
So it's a five-year engagement and you obviously play the lady.
Yes, I do.
Stretch, was it? Why are you so against me? We've had nice encounters, it's all going wrong.
You started all this sash stuff, didn't you, out there? I do this for a living! So, it's you and Jason Segel? Yes.
Yes.
And what's nice is that you do seem like a nice couple in the film.
Well, we're friends, which I think really helps cos we sort of have a shorthand and a natural warmth, I guess, with each other and that translates onscreen, hopefully.
You say you're friends, but he wrote this specifically for you, no? Yes, he did, yeah.
Is that not a bit creepy? No, I thought it was flattering.
But he wrote lots of kind of sex scenes and kissing scenes for him.
But none of them are very sexy.
I mean, there's, like, a There's a lot of humping! Yeah, but none of it's very, like, "ooh" and "aah", "my God", like, Emily's husband must be so threatened.
Like, some of it is really bad It's, like, bad sex.
Yeah, there is a lot of bad sex in it.
Bad sex.
Yes.
And what's the thing with Apparently the producer had a problem with the way you said "condom".
Yeah, cos, like, what do they say in America? "CONN-dum".
"CONN-dum".
And I obviously say condom, like any normal person, and it was a real problem, so I had to say "CONN-dum".
But you were doing Cookie Monster's voice at the time? Oh, yes, and my Cookie Monster is not great.
I tend to go a bit I thought it was excellent.
Really? I felt I went a bit Transylvanian with it.
It was a bit odd.
Can you do a little? Do you want me to do the condom line? Don't say anything.
I fully support you, Blunt.
You're lovely.
PASSABLE COOKIE MONSTER VOICE: C is for condom, it's good enough for me.
That is good.
Oh, I got a smirk out of you! OK.
Now, The Five-Year Engagement opens next Friday.
We've got a clip.
This is you and Jason.
You've made him move to Michigan Yes which is cold.
Very.
And you're trying to cheer him up.
OK.
That snow looks nice.
It's fine, yeah.
It's fine.
Do you want to roll around with me in it and get weird? You mean, like? Yeah, no-one's around.
Let's get into Michigan life! OK, it sounds great, it does.
There is one issue.
What? It's very cold out.
So what? My penis is going to look super-small for a second.
I've seen your penis every single way.
Not this small.
Take your pants off.
Let's do it.
It's going to look like a baby's dick.
OK, you're ruining the moment.
I'm just going to cut you off right now.
A baby dick.
OK.
Woo! Hee-hee! Come on, it's so nice.
Do it! Woah! Ohhh! Agh! What? I hurt my hip.
Oh, my God.
I landed on something.
Oh, it's a fire hydrant.
It's a fire hydrant.
Poor old grandpa! God! Can you just say, "My hip, my hip, my hip"? Yes, you did.
Sorry, babe.
You had all those kisses.
And then I kiss you some more.
Yeah, exactly.
Now, in terms of engagements, five years - is that a long engagement? I feel like a lot could go wrong in a five-year engagement, you know what I mean? I'd dump him if it was five years.
It'd be like, "Get on with it!" I feel like after two, you should get another ring, or something.
What, just, like, stacking them up? Up to there.
How long were you engaged for? Just a year.
See, that already seems quite a long time.
Well, it's not really, as you're trying to plan it and then it's schedules and all that.
Are you more of a sort of 'just go to Vegas and get it done' type guy? You make it sound like a tattoo.
It is in some cases.
Hey! Right.
You're all right for the rest of the show! No, it's too late.
Let's start with this dress.
She's bowled out here with a bagel on her head.
Starts Listen, you sit there and keep calm, young lady.
Too much water, you've had! Now, listen, in terms of engagements, we know that there's an engaged couple in the audience, right.
So we thought we might try and spot them.
Essentially, I think we're looking for a smug woman and a worried man.
So, let's see if we can spot the couples.
Hang on, let's see.
So Lots of la Oh, look, they're holding hands! Er, couple-y You.
.
Oh, is that, is that the? Or is that the? Well, I don't know, it's 2012.
Are you by yourself? Are you with them? Er, no, I'm not.
You're just sat here? I'm just sat here.
OK.
Well, you know, it's a nice jumper.
So, you're together? Yes, we are.
But you're not engaged, are you? No.
You're too young, you're children.
How long have you been together? Seven months.
Awww! They're happy.
Couple? Couple?! I wish, but no.
Awww! How long have you been "friends"? About a year? About a year, yeah.
Well, you could get very drunk tonight.
What's your name? Juan.
Matthew.
Yeah, that won't work.
Well, you couldn't say, "Juan and Matthew are coming for dinner.
" OK, er, possibly.
Stand up, the two of you.
Go.
OK.
What do you think, sofa? Nice dress! Oh, look, it's very jubilee.
What do you reckon, a couple? Yeah, possibly.
Let's try names.
What's your name? Christina.
Mark.
They could be, Christina and Mark.
Yeah, I reckon.
Yeah.
Are you a couple? BOTH: No.
Do you know each other? Yes, I'm her dad.
Do you have a boyfriend? Yes.
Is he here? Yes.
Is he the next one? Yes.
Oh, stand up, boyfriend.
You're her fiance.
Right.
You are engaged! And when are you getting married? Next year, maybe.
Next year, maybe.
When did you get engaged? Christmas Day last year.
Aw, that's lovely.
Quite a cheap gift, but, er lovely.
Where did you meet? We met actually on Chatroulette two years ago.
Wow.
Er, OK.
Do you live here? I'm from Austria.
You're from Austria? Yeah, right.
OK.
Christina's dad She's engaged to be married to a man she met on the internet from Austria Yeah.
Bad father! No, you look like a lovely couple and, next year, you're getting married? Yeah.
All right.
Well, a long and happy life to you both.
Excellent.
Well done, all the people.
Very good.
OK, now Russell Brand, your new movie Rock Of Ages is open tonight and it's a huge musical.
It's been on Broadway, been on the West End.
Is it fair to call it a kind of '80s rock Mamma Mia? Is that a fair way? You can describe it in any terms you want.
What it is, is it's a film.
It's, I think, £10.
You can watch the film for that amount of money.
In the film, there is Tom Cruise.
Oh! In the film, people sing merry, jolly songs.
It's an enjoyable experience.
It is.
I'm here to promote it.
Yeah! Yeah, it's a perfectly good film.
I mean, it may not solve the inner torment and angst that you go through as a human soul, but it's certainly a lovely distraction.
There's glitter, there's sequins, there's Alec Baldwin.
There's one scene that's got a baboon in it.
A baboon that was not in the original script.
A baboon that materialised at the behest of Tom Cruise.
Did he buy it? He never bought it Did he ask for it? Yeah, he said, "Wouldn't it be good if my character had a baboon?" And cos no-one's said no to Tom Cruise since about 1985, a baboon came.
They're vicious, baboons, aren't they? The baboon, in my opinion, is not a charming animal.
What it is, is it's an aggressive little thing.
It's like, say, a chimp.
I love a chimp - a delightful little thing, friendly, affable, but a baboon - it looks forever on the precipice of doing something aggressive.
They dressed it up in clothes, they sellotaped a nappy on it.
It didn't like that.
When it got too wound up, it had a trailer what had three girl baboons in it.
No! Yeah, and I goes, "I've got a problem with that.
" And they goes, "What, are you jealous?" I said, "I don't have sex with baboons.
" "But yes.
" You've been on record about how lovely Tom Cruise was to work with.
I mean, he was a really nice, generous He's kind.
Mm.
Like, Tom Cruise - people are mean about him, I think, for their entertainment, but what it is, when you meet him, he'll remember you There he is, look.
That's Tom Cruise dressed up.
In the film.
He's pretending to be someone else for money.
Yeah.
He's kind and it was my birthday during the film.
He bought me stuff.
He found out, "Oh, you like yoga, do you? "Here is a yoga mat.
" He's really nice.
He's really kind.
Yeah, that happened, that exchange.
I recreated it.
That was a verbal photograph.
Because you're working with Tom Cruise.
Isn't that the next film you're doing? Yeah, I start it in the autumn.
Are they filming that here? They are, yes.
What is it? It's called All You Need Is Kill, and there's lots of killing.
And I do a lot of killing.
But you haven't done anything like that before? No, I haven't.
I have to learn to be one of the best soldiers alive, which is hilarious.
But I'm going to try.
Yeah! Give it a go.
So I have to train all summer.
I'm learning all these martial arts and stuff.
It's pretty cool, actually.
And I met Tom for a table read and he's impossibly nice, isn't he? He is really kind and fun.
In the table read for this film, he turned up, the film I just done He come to the table read, and that just means, you know It's called a table read.
There's a table, there's some reading.
That's all that happens.
He came fully dressed up in that clobber, dolled up as a rock star, with five people and a band and that.
'Kin' hell! I hadn't even read the script yet.
He really did? That's amazing.
He looked amazing.
It's like he come there as the person.
We've got a clip of Rock Of Ages.
This is a kind of sing-off between the conservative housewives and the rockers of Hollywood, led by you.
As you can see, this club is totally out of control but, Mitch, this ends tonight.
Hey, you! Why are you so uptight? You lot need to feel the wind of change, blow the cobwebs out.
We built this city on rock and roll, right? Yeah, we did.
We built this city My grandfather's father built this city.
We built this city on rock and roll We built this city How dare you?! We built this city on rock and roll Who counts the money underneath the bar? Who rocked the wrecking ball into our guitars? Don't tell us you need us Wash you mouth out with soap! Cos we're the ship of fools Looking for America Crawling through your schools We're not going to take it We built this city No, we ain't gonna take it We built this city We're not gonna take it any more We built this city on rock and roll.
That is awesome! You do a lot of singing.
A lot of singing.
Did the whole cos, you know, we've heard you sing before, but I don't think I've ever heard Alec Baldwin sing or Tom Cruise.
Did you all have big musical rehearsals, singing teaching? Yeah, you have to have singing lessons off this bloke Ron.
Ron - he's kind of, like, tubby and he's got a very neat He looks a lot like Pavarotti but with a very neat, white beard.
Imagine Pavarotti but all his hair white.
He's one of those people you think, "This bloke is definitely gay," cos he's like, "Hello, it's nice to meet you.
Time for the singing lesson.
And then all of a sudden, he goes, "This is my wife," and you go, "Pffft! Leave it out.
" "What's your wife's name? Dave?" But it turns out he's got a wife and everything.
He taught everyone to sing.
Me, Baldwin, Tom Cruise, everyone.
He taught everyone singing and, like, he's got a lovely manner with him.
The way he teaches you to sing is by resonating out of different cavities in your head.
That's how you have to do it.
Mouth - that's a cavity in your head.
Well, I've probably overcomplicated it.
But he'll go to you, "For this line, sing it a bit like this" "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wahhh.
" And then you sort of go, "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wahhh.
" He goes, "No, no.
More like a baby, like an angry baby.
" "Wahhh, wahhh, wahhh, wahhh!" Then you have to do it a bit more like that.
And it has no attachment to the actual language that you are saying.
In that film Get Him To The Greek you coated off earlier with a right stab in the back I actually liked that film.
No, I liked it.
When I had to sing the word blowjob in this song in Get Him To The Greek, where it goes "All of these blowjobs in limousines.
" He said, "No, no, it's not blowjobs.
It's blowjobbbs!" Blowjobbbs! It's like he had no relationship with the concept that blowjob is a funny word to sing.
Blowjobbbs! Do you, like, now when you meet girls, go, "I want a blowjobbb"? I don't want to undermine the event of a blowjob.
Do you think that the blowjob bit can be in the programme? That's my main concern now.
Yes.
Blowjobbb! No, I think that's in.
It will definitely be if we keep putting it into other segments.
Keep mentioning it at important moments.
I'll have it in my integral bit.
Coming up next, Paloma will be singing "Blowjobbb".
It's Paloma "Blowjobbb" Faith.
It'll be in, but So, you know! Sorry.
Everyone's talking.
Everyone's talking.
Blowjob faith is something every man must have! Let's face it, it could go wrong.
In terms of singing teachers and going out there, and trying to prove you can sing, presumably when you start out, you have to do those showcases, don't you? Mm.
Yeah.
Was there a showcase where you put on a fake belly? Well, I was In the early days Yes? I had to do a showcase for, like, the record label and I was really into prosthetics back then, because I'd been a bit of an art school student, you know.
You get rigged up with blood bags and all that.
And I was showcasing my songs Not everyone does that, by the way.
"You get rigged up with blood bags.
" People don't just all nod.
Yeah, you know! Your mum's going, "Thank f I didn't watch this programme.
" "Is she doing the blood bag anecdote?" Yes.
She likes all that.
She likes to think of herself as a bit arty.
But, yeah, so I was sort of on stage showcasing my songs and I had, like, a prosthetic belly and I slashed it open in a song about the death of my childhood.
Yes, of course.
And then afterwards I got off stage and they were like, "We think you've got a great voice, "but you've got to ditch the prosthesis.
" Well, what came out? A lot of blood? Yeah, it was like Well, I've done it before when I had fish come out.
Done it before when There you are, you'll like this story.
It was a different sort of fish, actually.
They were bought out of Dalston market.
It wasn't as glamorous as LA.
Yeah, I'm talking about the shark.
She slashed it out of her belly.
It didn't just go nearby her, by coincidence.
I could have been slashed by it! I don't think so.
All right.
Going back to the rock and roll thing, the first time you played a rocker was in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Now, you looked the part but you did have to do quite challenging things.
You had to surf and you had never horse-ridden before.
It was a horrible experience and Jason Segel wrote that part as well.
He's like some cackling Dr Death figure.
I had to do surfing.
I'm no good at that.
That's basically standing up on top of water.
Even Jesus only done it once.
Horse riding - that's too hard.
The horse don't want you on it.
That becomes pretty clear.
It was right wound up, mine was.
It did a weird laying-down thing.
They go, "Russell, you are in charge of that horse.
Make sure it knows you're in charge of it.
" "How?" "Kicking it.
" I go, "I ain't kicking it, he's a lovely horse.
" They go, "You've got to show it you're the boss.
" I go, "How am I the boss? Look at the size of the bloody thing!" He goes, "Make it stop when we get to this mark.
" They were filming with their cameras to make the film.
You'll notice, if you've seen Sarah Marshall, there ain't no bloody horse riding in it, cos of how wrong it all went, how cruel and malevolent the whole experience was.
The horse was meant to stop at a certain point but cos he's a horse, he don't know that.
He just went home.
He just ran past it and went home to his horse house.
Like, there was me, on its back, and in there was five other horses.
I felt embarrassed.
They were all looking at me like, "Why are you in our horse house?" I was just on its back in a horse house.
Now, take one letter out of that and it's a much more familiar scenario for me.
I'd have been relaxed.
Now, your look is perfect for playing kind of rock stars, but you must get offered other roles? Sometimes they offer me something, Graham, it involves a haircut.
I go, "Pffft.
What's the point?" Really? You wouldn't cut your hair? Not really.
Not for a job.
You've patted it down a bit.
I'll pat it down.
Yeah, he'll pat it down.
I'll pat it down.
If they say "Pat it down for a job" He don't like it being touched! Not after your fish belly.
I see what you've done to your own barnet, don't come near mine! Russell, because you always look like Russell Brand Yeah.
Are you recognised? Presumably you're always recognised.
Yeah.
You're not going to blend into a crowd.
You're tall as well so that's quite I'm quite long, yeah.
People say hello.
But do you like being famous? Do you know what? I like being recognised.
I like some elements of it.
And when you first get famous, it is really, really good fun, for the girls.
Then, though, you sort of realise that some of it is quite contaminating, because you can't really have a private life and stuff like that, and that's sort of a weird thing.
Now, it's not as bad as "Oh, I've been laying asphalt," or "We shouldn't put that on the ceiling anyway.
That'd be dangerous.
" Or, like, you've got fibreglass in your lungs, It's not a terrible thing, it's just a bit of a pain in the arse.
It's all right but it's also Like, lately I've become a little bit disillusioned with the old celebrity because I think people go on about it all the time, and it's like it's used to distract us from things that are important, that we should be thinking about.
I'm part of it, I'm earning a few quid out of it, so I'm not saying I'm better than it.
I'm just saying it's a shame that it's all over the papers and all over the telly as we face an ecological and economic crisis that could destroy our planet if we don't tune in.
Is that why you've got Dalai Lama on your hand? Paloma's pointed out that I wrote on my hand, because it's important, I am doing a, er, event with His Holiness the Dalai Lama at the Manchester Evening News Arena on Saturday.
If you are under 25, you can come for nothing.
His Holiness will be talking about consciousness and young people and inspiring us and giving us hope.
Wow! I've got to intro him and moderate the interview.
Me!? This has been chaos, with Graham Norton! How am I going to get on with the Dalai Lama? Have you met him before? I never met the Dalai Lama before, no.
But by all accounts, he's a cracking fella.
What if I meet him and he's like, "All right, mate.
" On the Rothmans.
I just looked on your hand and it says "HH Dalai Lama", which, of course, now I understand says His Holiness but I thought, for a second, it said, "Hi Dalai Lama.
" And we were, like, matching.
Oh, I must remember.
Hi, Dalai Lama! I'm just such a fan.
And in terms of being recognised, you must get recognised wherever you go, Paloma Faith, cos, again, you look like I don't, you know.
I mean, I do, sort of, on and off, but I'm a little bit like Russell.
I tend to sort of phase out, I'm a bit of a dreamer.
It's not rudeness, we'll tell you.
I don't phase out.
Well, you have quite a few times already.
Have I? Yeah.
I'm doing it now.
Just after I denied it, I felt myself phasing right out.
But, like, I don't necessarily notice that much and I prefer that.
But I do, erm, I quite often, you know I still get the bus and the tube and stuff.
Sometimes people ask me why.
Like, go, "What are you doing on the bus?" And I just say, "Going home.
I hope that is all you're doing on the bus.
Not cutting a load of fish out your guts.
And, Emily, well, I know there are occasions when you aren't recognised.
No, I mean, I think people sometimes think they went to school with me or something like that, but I also I don't know, I feel like some people know you straightaway and then other people say, "Oh, that's the girl from so-and-so.
" Then I had this kid come up to me and say She was really cute, she was about six, and she went," WHINY AMERICAN ACCENT: "Are you the girl from The Gilmore Girls?" and I said, "No, no, I'm not," and she went, "Hm.
"Are you the girl from the Bridge To Terabithia?" and I said, "No, no, I'm not," and she went, "Ohhh.
" And then she just walked away and I heard myself go, scream at her, "But I was in The Devil Wears Prada.
" And she turned and I think her father looked a bit shocked that I just shouted at his child and she looked at me and she went, "I haven't seen that movie," and walked away.
I was, like, "Argh! How embarrassing.
" It was so stupid.
Now, Paloma Faith, today is a very special day because people can buy tickets to go and see you on tour.
Yes, they can.
Yes, they can.
And are you putting on a big show? Is there, like, stuff happening? There's always a big show with me! There's no business like Blowjobbbs! It's definitely going in, then.
It's in now.
Cos Glastonbury, you looked amazing at Glastonbury.
My large inflatable balls! What's going on here? They were attached to you? That must have been quite hard to walk and move.
There was some chafing.
Was it a high concept, or is it just you thought, "Oh, this'll look good"? Well, what happened was, they nearly didn't let me go on stage with them because it ended up being a really windy day.
There she goes! I had to sign something to say that I would take full responsibility for my own death, if I got swept off into the horizon.
You know, up to space or whatever.
That's pretty profound to have to take full responsibility for your own death, cos once you're dead, what are you going to do? It was my fault! Wooo! It was that or the balls, babe.
As I say, you are a trained dancer.
Yeah, I was a trained dancer, but I really haven't danced for long enough, like, ages, so But in burlesque, did you dance? I didn't.
I just sang as a burlesque singer in burlesque clubs.
Were you in that movie? What movie? What are you talking about? No! No, the concept of burlesque.
I didn't think she was in Burlesque the movie.
I was, like, "I don't think she was.
" No, no, but I used to sing in burlesque clubs.
Got it.
Sorry about that.
But Chicago is also a place.
Got it.
It's not true.
That was not true.
Right, it is time for music.
Now, what are you giving us tonight? I'm going to play the first single from my album, which is out now, Fall To Grace, which you happen to have there.
And the album is out now and is hovering at the top of the charts.
Which is lovely.
Congratulations.
And a bit of a first for me so thanks to everyone who bought it.
Nice! I love this track.
I love it.
If you want to go off and get ready, are you OK with steps and things? You're not going to fall over? In a moment, we'll have this week's stories in the famous Red Chair, but first, performing Picking Up The Pieces, it is Paloma Faith! Beautiful! Paloma Faith, everybody! Beautiful job! Come back and join us.
Let me help you.
A very tight dress.
That was gorgeous.
Have a seat.
Lovely.
Thank you.
Good singing.
Great singing! Very good singing! Well done.
No, fantastic.
Thank you.
'Ere, you know when you was over there? That was good! Thanks! Listen, before we go tonight, a story or two in the Red Chair.
So, who's up first? Oh, hello! Hi! What's your name? I'm Carla.
Carla? And where are you from I'm from Brighton but studying at Bedfordshire.
Ooh, right.
What are you studying? Biomedical science.
Ooh! There's a genius on the Red Chair, everyone.
She's studying biomedical science.
She might not be any good at it.
That's true.
I'm good.
"What the bloody hell's this about?" What year are you in? She might just eat the textbooks.
I'm in my second year.
She's passed some exams.
She has passed some exams.
Good result.
OK, off you go with your story.
So, I fell in a volcano.
Sorry? I fell in a volcano.
You fell in a volcano? So, it had lava in it? No, it was like a mud volcano, but it was nice and warm and bubbly.
I reckon we should bin her.
We'll bin her.
Paloma has very high standards for stories.
What happens to her after the lever? I don't know.
She's alive.
She's already fallen in a volcano.
It can't be worse than that.
Who's next? Hello.
Hello! Hi, what's your name? Claire.
What do you do, Claire? I'm a medical sales rep.
Everyone is so clever tonight! She just sells stuff.
Oh, Paloma! Wow! That is cold, Paloma.
We can't all cut our belly and have fish fall out.
Some people just sell shit, OK? Sorry, Mum! Yeah, you've offended a large slice of society, young lady! What's wrong with you? You did a lovely song.
What's your story? It's first date story.
Oh, it's a first date story.
OK, go, go.
I went out with a very distinguished gentleman, and we went for a walk along the South Bank.
And after a few cocktails, we went to Wagamama for some food, and I ordered noodle soup.
Halfway through my noodle soup, he launched at me across the table and said, "Have you got any fetishes?" And I snorted and this big piece of noodle came out of my nostril, and swang like that, and he looked at me horrified.
And I was just mortified.
You can walk.
You can walk.
Thank you.
That was very good.
I was not expecting a noodle.
No, no.
I wasn't.
I wasn't.
What did he? I want to know what his fetishes are.
We don't know.
We don't know.
I wish she'd stayed in the seat a bit longer.
You shouldn't let her walk before What if his fetishes are sucking noodles out of people's noses like nasal Lady And The Tramp.
He'd have been having the night of his life! You can imagine, smoke would have come out of his ears! Do we have someone else? Do we have one more? Hello, sir.
Hi.
Oh, I like his T-shirt with the kissing penguins.
That's very sweet.
Thank you.
What's your name, sir? Paul.
Sorry? Paul.
His name's Poo! Is your name Poo? Paul.
Oh, Paul.
Where are you from? I'm from Wycombe.
Wycombe.
It's just, you're pronouncing it Poole.
Are you very posh? No.
Yes, he is.
He's very posh! Where I come from, you are.
What's your name? "Poole".
Sorry, we shouldn't laugh at you.
You're going to run the country one day.
And then you'll punish me.
"That Norton!" Right, off you go with your story, sir.
So, before going to a christening Can I just say? You are so, so posh! So, my sister suggested we play a game.
Yes, Paul.
Wait, you'll have to start again, Paul.
Sorry, we were laughing at you.
So, you went to a christening So, before going to the christening, my sister suggested that the two of us play a game, where she'd roll me up in this long carpet on our parents' hallway.
So I'd be a bit like a sausage roll.
Yes, I understand.
POSH VOICE: Sausage roll.
Also, there was a detail there, too, that the carpet in their hallway was very long.
It's an enormous hall.
On you go.
So, you're a sausage roll in the carpet.
So, I thought it'd be a fun way to pass the time, and I lie down and let her roll me up.
Mm-hm.
So I have my head sticking out and my arms are stuck in.
She then ran to the kitchen and grabbed some Marmite, brings it back and smothers my face in it, and then calls over our parents' elderly toxic-breath dog to lick all the Marmite.
Ooh! But it worked out fair in the end because it turned out the dog didn't love Marmite and threw up on her shoes.
No.
Very poor end.
Very poor episode.
Well done, everyone.
If you would like to join us on the show and have a go in the Red Chair, you can find out about it at this address.
Thank you so much to my guests tonight.
Paloma Faith, everybody! Mr Russell Brand! And the lovely Emily Blunt! Join me next week, same time.
I'll see you then.
Goodnight and goodbye!
Ow! Oooh! Agh! Stop it.
What are you doing? Agh! OK, careful! Let me go! Ow! Let's start the show! Good evening, everybody! Hello, hello, hello, hello! Oh! Thank you very much.
Can I, can I just say, some of that touching then was inappropriate.
Hey, listen, what a sexy show we've got for you tonight.
Comic turned Hollywood actor Russell Brand is on the show, ladies and gentleman.
The gorgeous and talented Emily Blunt is here.
And we've got music and chat from Paloma Faith! Two beautiful women and Russell Brand.
Uh-oh! Russell has had, shall we say, a colourful life, and he revealed all in his autobiography My Booky Wook.
A lot of people couldn't resist having a look at the lurid sexual details.
She was checking to see if she is in it.
"Phew, not mentioned.
" Over the last few years, Russell's been in so many comedy films, Get Him To The Greek, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and, of course, St Trinian's.
Based in a girls' boarding school.
That must be tough, mustn't it? I mean, who'd want to dump their daughter somewhere and then go home without them? Yep.
Running the country! Now, Russell's new film Rock Of Ages is all set in the '80s.
Remember those mad groups, the big hair, the crazy dancing, bands like Motley Crue, Poison, The Nolans! What a shit decade that was.
Emily Blunt is here, star of The Devil Wears Prada, so many great films.
She lives in LA now, but still British through and through.
Despite the weather, she's really enjoying being back in the country.
Yeah, she's been watching the tennis at Queens.
She went for a lovely walk along the beach.
And she even found time to go to a music festival.
Oh, oh! Beautiful! Look at you! Oh! Mwah and mwah! Sit yourself down, you shiny creature! Thank you.
He's my favourite guesty-west, it's Russell Brand! Oh! Hello! Very nice to see you.
Have a seat.
Hello.
And to put it bluntly, I love this woman - it is Emily Blunt! Hello, darling.
So nice to see you again.
Nice to be here.
Oh, what a lovely couch! Yes.
And remain calm, Russell.
I'm very comfortable here on this banquette.
Now, you both have been on the show before.
Paloma - your first time on the show.
Yeah, I'm a show virgin.
Aw! So will your family all be watching? Actually, my mum said she's not going to watch cos she goes, "You and Russell Brand, "you are going to offend a large portion of society together.
"And it's not a good combo, and I can't bear to watch for my nerves.
" She can't have watched much of Emily Blunt's stuff, then, cos she'd know that this is the real risk.
I've just offended Russell backstage cos his pants were falling down and one of his nice women who was with him - I'm not saying he's got a harem but there's a nice lady who's probably looking after you and your clothes and No, it's part of the harem.
And she whispered to him, "Pull your pants up," cos they were coming down.
" He pulled them up and then I said, "Do your belt up tighter," and he ripped the Velcro on his sash, and I said, "Wow! A Velcro sash," and he thought I was being rude, but I was really saying, "Wow, that is amazing!" What do you know about sashes? I used to wear sashes.
Pffft! Was that in the early '90s? Yeah, my favourite outfit was white jeans, with a sash, a purple sash, a waistcoat and a white polo neck.
Lovely! You should have been more supportive of my sash, then! I know, I really made a mistake.
Emily, have you gone a bit LA? Me? Yes.
Don't you play golf now? Well, I played it sort of five times.
That's a lot! Does that make me an avid golfer? Yes! I quite like it.
I really like kind of whizzing around on the cart with beers in the back! Oh, OK.
That's the fun part.
OK, yeah, that sounds fun.
Now, this is very I love how kind of California this is.
You swim with dolphins? No.
Well, I have taken up the hobby of scuba diving, which I really, really enjoy.
Um, I've been shark diving which was kind of amazing, although I had a real close encounter with a shark.
A little shark? It wasn't, it was about six feet.
Did it eat people? Was it that type? Well, it wasn't but Why are you trying to diminish my story?! Right, it's just a type of fish.
You went near a fish.
Let me tell the story.
People do that That's your story, I was near a fish once.
Let me tell it.
It could have eaten your hand.
It could have eaten your hand.
Don't clap him! Thank you.
I love you.
I am one of you.
I am here for you.
I am going to just shit on all of your stories.
Don't you have rules for swimming with dolphins? With dolphins? I heard that you're not supposed to touch a dolphin, unless they come to you and offer themselves for a rubdown.
Oh! Expose themselves! You're not supposed to touch them.
Why? Because dolphins mate for life and if you touch one of them, the other one can smell your touch on them, and they think that they've cheated on them, and you can break up a dolphin marriage.
That is true.
That is fact.
I know.
I'm going to have to phone up SeaWorld directly.
I've been down one's blowhole.
Well, Paloma Faith, she's had a dolphin orgy, if that's the case.
Yeah, I reckon I've broken up a few dolphin marriages.
Why, what did you do? I went to Cuba and I was in a situation where they were like, "Do you want to swim with dolphins?" and they actually taught me how to sort of be lifted up on the nose of two dolphins.
What, with your foot on each nose? If you think she's making this up, somebody filmed it.
That's a good story.
Oh, shut up.
We've got the footage.
Not, "Oh, I was near a fish once.
" She stood up on two dolphins.
It was a shark.
It came like that to me.
That's not nice.
Let's have a look at this.
This is brilliant, this.
Nice work! I'm well into this.
Now look, that's Paloma.
Oh, brilliant! It's not great to begin with, I'll give you that.
It does look like a woman in the water.
Now watch this.
Wow! Wow! Isn't that good? That's amazing! What a great story! No, that is amazing.
Oh, brilliant! Well done.
Oh Emily, have you got footage of you near that fish? I hate your sash! Emily Blunt, Emily Blunt, worry not, we're going to big you up because your new movie, The Five-Year Engagement - out next Friday.
Yes.
It's from the people who made Forgetting Sarah Marshall Or that shite film Get Him To The Greek, yeah.
That's not very nice.
Dear, oh, dear.
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
So, basically, it is what you think it's going to be.
It's a rom-com but it's got big belly laughs, big physical laughs.
Yes, it has.
Well, I hope so anyway.
No, it does.
I've seen it.
Oh, good, I'm glad.
So it's a five-year engagement and you obviously play the lady.
Yes, I do.
Stretch, was it? Why are you so against me? We've had nice encounters, it's all going wrong.
You started all this sash stuff, didn't you, out there? I do this for a living! So, it's you and Jason Segel? Yes.
Yes.
And what's nice is that you do seem like a nice couple in the film.
Well, we're friends, which I think really helps cos we sort of have a shorthand and a natural warmth, I guess, with each other and that translates onscreen, hopefully.
You say you're friends, but he wrote this specifically for you, no? Yes, he did, yeah.
Is that not a bit creepy? No, I thought it was flattering.
But he wrote lots of kind of sex scenes and kissing scenes for him.
But none of them are very sexy.
I mean, there's, like, a There's a lot of humping! Yeah, but none of it's very, like, "ooh" and "aah", "my God", like, Emily's husband must be so threatened.
Like, some of it is really bad It's, like, bad sex.
Yeah, there is a lot of bad sex in it.
Bad sex.
Yes.
And what's the thing with Apparently the producer had a problem with the way you said "condom".
Yeah, cos, like, what do they say in America? "CONN-dum".
"CONN-dum".
And I obviously say condom, like any normal person, and it was a real problem, so I had to say "CONN-dum".
But you were doing Cookie Monster's voice at the time? Oh, yes, and my Cookie Monster is not great.
I tend to go a bit I thought it was excellent.
Really? I felt I went a bit Transylvanian with it.
It was a bit odd.
Can you do a little? Do you want me to do the condom line? Don't say anything.
I fully support you, Blunt.
You're lovely.
PASSABLE COOKIE MONSTER VOICE: C is for condom, it's good enough for me.
That is good.
Oh, I got a smirk out of you! OK.
Now, The Five-Year Engagement opens next Friday.
We've got a clip.
This is you and Jason.
You've made him move to Michigan Yes which is cold.
Very.
And you're trying to cheer him up.
OK.
That snow looks nice.
It's fine, yeah.
It's fine.
Do you want to roll around with me in it and get weird? You mean, like? Yeah, no-one's around.
Let's get into Michigan life! OK, it sounds great, it does.
There is one issue.
What? It's very cold out.
So what? My penis is going to look super-small for a second.
I've seen your penis every single way.
Not this small.
Take your pants off.
Let's do it.
It's going to look like a baby's dick.
OK, you're ruining the moment.
I'm just going to cut you off right now.
A baby dick.
OK.
Woo! Hee-hee! Come on, it's so nice.
Do it! Woah! Ohhh! Agh! What? I hurt my hip.
Oh, my God.
I landed on something.
Oh, it's a fire hydrant.
It's a fire hydrant.
Poor old grandpa! God! Can you just say, "My hip, my hip, my hip"? Yes, you did.
Sorry, babe.
You had all those kisses.
And then I kiss you some more.
Yeah, exactly.
Now, in terms of engagements, five years - is that a long engagement? I feel like a lot could go wrong in a five-year engagement, you know what I mean? I'd dump him if it was five years.
It'd be like, "Get on with it!" I feel like after two, you should get another ring, or something.
What, just, like, stacking them up? Up to there.
How long were you engaged for? Just a year.
See, that already seems quite a long time.
Well, it's not really, as you're trying to plan it and then it's schedules and all that.
Are you more of a sort of 'just go to Vegas and get it done' type guy? You make it sound like a tattoo.
It is in some cases.
Hey! Right.
You're all right for the rest of the show! No, it's too late.
Let's start with this dress.
She's bowled out here with a bagel on her head.
Starts Listen, you sit there and keep calm, young lady.
Too much water, you've had! Now, listen, in terms of engagements, we know that there's an engaged couple in the audience, right.
So we thought we might try and spot them.
Essentially, I think we're looking for a smug woman and a worried man.
So, let's see if we can spot the couples.
Hang on, let's see.
So Lots of la Oh, look, they're holding hands! Er, couple-y You.
.
Oh, is that, is that the? Or is that the? Well, I don't know, it's 2012.
Are you by yourself? Are you with them? Er, no, I'm not.
You're just sat here? I'm just sat here.
OK.
Well, you know, it's a nice jumper.
So, you're together? Yes, we are.
But you're not engaged, are you? No.
You're too young, you're children.
How long have you been together? Seven months.
Awww! They're happy.
Couple? Couple?! I wish, but no.
Awww! How long have you been "friends"? About a year? About a year, yeah.
Well, you could get very drunk tonight.
What's your name? Juan.
Matthew.
Yeah, that won't work.
Well, you couldn't say, "Juan and Matthew are coming for dinner.
" OK, er, possibly.
Stand up, the two of you.
Go.
OK.
What do you think, sofa? Nice dress! Oh, look, it's very jubilee.
What do you reckon, a couple? Yeah, possibly.
Let's try names.
What's your name? Christina.
Mark.
They could be, Christina and Mark.
Yeah, I reckon.
Yeah.
Are you a couple? BOTH: No.
Do you know each other? Yes, I'm her dad.
Do you have a boyfriend? Yes.
Is he here? Yes.
Is he the next one? Yes.
Oh, stand up, boyfriend.
You're her fiance.
Right.
You are engaged! And when are you getting married? Next year, maybe.
Next year, maybe.
When did you get engaged? Christmas Day last year.
Aw, that's lovely.
Quite a cheap gift, but, er lovely.
Where did you meet? We met actually on Chatroulette two years ago.
Wow.
Er, OK.
Do you live here? I'm from Austria.
You're from Austria? Yeah, right.
OK.
Christina's dad She's engaged to be married to a man she met on the internet from Austria Yeah.
Bad father! No, you look like a lovely couple and, next year, you're getting married? Yeah.
All right.
Well, a long and happy life to you both.
Excellent.
Well done, all the people.
Very good.
OK, now Russell Brand, your new movie Rock Of Ages is open tonight and it's a huge musical.
It's been on Broadway, been on the West End.
Is it fair to call it a kind of '80s rock Mamma Mia? Is that a fair way? You can describe it in any terms you want.
What it is, is it's a film.
It's, I think, £10.
You can watch the film for that amount of money.
In the film, there is Tom Cruise.
Oh! In the film, people sing merry, jolly songs.
It's an enjoyable experience.
It is.
I'm here to promote it.
Yeah! Yeah, it's a perfectly good film.
I mean, it may not solve the inner torment and angst that you go through as a human soul, but it's certainly a lovely distraction.
There's glitter, there's sequins, there's Alec Baldwin.
There's one scene that's got a baboon in it.
A baboon that was not in the original script.
A baboon that materialised at the behest of Tom Cruise.
Did he buy it? He never bought it Did he ask for it? Yeah, he said, "Wouldn't it be good if my character had a baboon?" And cos no-one's said no to Tom Cruise since about 1985, a baboon came.
They're vicious, baboons, aren't they? The baboon, in my opinion, is not a charming animal.
What it is, is it's an aggressive little thing.
It's like, say, a chimp.
I love a chimp - a delightful little thing, friendly, affable, but a baboon - it looks forever on the precipice of doing something aggressive.
They dressed it up in clothes, they sellotaped a nappy on it.
It didn't like that.
When it got too wound up, it had a trailer what had three girl baboons in it.
No! Yeah, and I goes, "I've got a problem with that.
" And they goes, "What, are you jealous?" I said, "I don't have sex with baboons.
" "But yes.
" You've been on record about how lovely Tom Cruise was to work with.
I mean, he was a really nice, generous He's kind.
Mm.
Like, Tom Cruise - people are mean about him, I think, for their entertainment, but what it is, when you meet him, he'll remember you There he is, look.
That's Tom Cruise dressed up.
In the film.
He's pretending to be someone else for money.
Yeah.
He's kind and it was my birthday during the film.
He bought me stuff.
He found out, "Oh, you like yoga, do you? "Here is a yoga mat.
" He's really nice.
He's really kind.
Yeah, that happened, that exchange.
I recreated it.
That was a verbal photograph.
Because you're working with Tom Cruise.
Isn't that the next film you're doing? Yeah, I start it in the autumn.
Are they filming that here? They are, yes.
What is it? It's called All You Need Is Kill, and there's lots of killing.
And I do a lot of killing.
But you haven't done anything like that before? No, I haven't.
I have to learn to be one of the best soldiers alive, which is hilarious.
But I'm going to try.
Yeah! Give it a go.
So I have to train all summer.
I'm learning all these martial arts and stuff.
It's pretty cool, actually.
And I met Tom for a table read and he's impossibly nice, isn't he? He is really kind and fun.
In the table read for this film, he turned up, the film I just done He come to the table read, and that just means, you know It's called a table read.
There's a table, there's some reading.
That's all that happens.
He came fully dressed up in that clobber, dolled up as a rock star, with five people and a band and that.
'Kin' hell! I hadn't even read the script yet.
He really did? That's amazing.
He looked amazing.
It's like he come there as the person.
We've got a clip of Rock Of Ages.
This is a kind of sing-off between the conservative housewives and the rockers of Hollywood, led by you.
As you can see, this club is totally out of control but, Mitch, this ends tonight.
Hey, you! Why are you so uptight? You lot need to feel the wind of change, blow the cobwebs out.
We built this city on rock and roll, right? Yeah, we did.
We built this city My grandfather's father built this city.
We built this city on rock and roll We built this city How dare you?! We built this city on rock and roll Who counts the money underneath the bar? Who rocked the wrecking ball into our guitars? Don't tell us you need us Wash you mouth out with soap! Cos we're the ship of fools Looking for America Crawling through your schools We're not going to take it We built this city No, we ain't gonna take it We built this city We're not gonna take it any more We built this city on rock and roll.
That is awesome! You do a lot of singing.
A lot of singing.
Did the whole cos, you know, we've heard you sing before, but I don't think I've ever heard Alec Baldwin sing or Tom Cruise.
Did you all have big musical rehearsals, singing teaching? Yeah, you have to have singing lessons off this bloke Ron.
Ron - he's kind of, like, tubby and he's got a very neat He looks a lot like Pavarotti but with a very neat, white beard.
Imagine Pavarotti but all his hair white.
He's one of those people you think, "This bloke is definitely gay," cos he's like, "Hello, it's nice to meet you.
Time for the singing lesson.
And then all of a sudden, he goes, "This is my wife," and you go, "Pffft! Leave it out.
" "What's your wife's name? Dave?" But it turns out he's got a wife and everything.
He taught everyone to sing.
Me, Baldwin, Tom Cruise, everyone.
He taught everyone singing and, like, he's got a lovely manner with him.
The way he teaches you to sing is by resonating out of different cavities in your head.
That's how you have to do it.
Mouth - that's a cavity in your head.
Well, I've probably overcomplicated it.
But he'll go to you, "For this line, sing it a bit like this" "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wahhh.
" And then you sort of go, "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wahhh.
" He goes, "No, no.
More like a baby, like an angry baby.
" "Wahhh, wahhh, wahhh, wahhh!" Then you have to do it a bit more like that.
And it has no attachment to the actual language that you are saying.
In that film Get Him To The Greek you coated off earlier with a right stab in the back I actually liked that film.
No, I liked it.
When I had to sing the word blowjob in this song in Get Him To The Greek, where it goes "All of these blowjobs in limousines.
" He said, "No, no, it's not blowjobs.
It's blowjobbbs!" Blowjobbbs! It's like he had no relationship with the concept that blowjob is a funny word to sing.
Blowjobbbs! Do you, like, now when you meet girls, go, "I want a blowjobbb"? I don't want to undermine the event of a blowjob.
Do you think that the blowjob bit can be in the programme? That's my main concern now.
Yes.
Blowjobbb! No, I think that's in.
It will definitely be if we keep putting it into other segments.
Keep mentioning it at important moments.
I'll have it in my integral bit.
Coming up next, Paloma will be singing "Blowjobbb".
It's Paloma "Blowjobbb" Faith.
It'll be in, but So, you know! Sorry.
Everyone's talking.
Everyone's talking.
Blowjob faith is something every man must have! Let's face it, it could go wrong.
In terms of singing teachers and going out there, and trying to prove you can sing, presumably when you start out, you have to do those showcases, don't you? Mm.
Yeah.
Was there a showcase where you put on a fake belly? Well, I was In the early days Yes? I had to do a showcase for, like, the record label and I was really into prosthetics back then, because I'd been a bit of an art school student, you know.
You get rigged up with blood bags and all that.
And I was showcasing my songs Not everyone does that, by the way.
"You get rigged up with blood bags.
" People don't just all nod.
Yeah, you know! Your mum's going, "Thank f I didn't watch this programme.
" "Is she doing the blood bag anecdote?" Yes.
She likes all that.
She likes to think of herself as a bit arty.
But, yeah, so I was sort of on stage showcasing my songs and I had, like, a prosthetic belly and I slashed it open in a song about the death of my childhood.
Yes, of course.
And then afterwards I got off stage and they were like, "We think you've got a great voice, "but you've got to ditch the prosthesis.
" Well, what came out? A lot of blood? Yeah, it was like Well, I've done it before when I had fish come out.
Done it before when There you are, you'll like this story.
It was a different sort of fish, actually.
They were bought out of Dalston market.
It wasn't as glamorous as LA.
Yeah, I'm talking about the shark.
She slashed it out of her belly.
It didn't just go nearby her, by coincidence.
I could have been slashed by it! I don't think so.
All right.
Going back to the rock and roll thing, the first time you played a rocker was in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Now, you looked the part but you did have to do quite challenging things.
You had to surf and you had never horse-ridden before.
It was a horrible experience and Jason Segel wrote that part as well.
He's like some cackling Dr Death figure.
I had to do surfing.
I'm no good at that.
That's basically standing up on top of water.
Even Jesus only done it once.
Horse riding - that's too hard.
The horse don't want you on it.
That becomes pretty clear.
It was right wound up, mine was.
It did a weird laying-down thing.
They go, "Russell, you are in charge of that horse.
Make sure it knows you're in charge of it.
" "How?" "Kicking it.
" I go, "I ain't kicking it, he's a lovely horse.
" They go, "You've got to show it you're the boss.
" I go, "How am I the boss? Look at the size of the bloody thing!" He goes, "Make it stop when we get to this mark.
" They were filming with their cameras to make the film.
You'll notice, if you've seen Sarah Marshall, there ain't no bloody horse riding in it, cos of how wrong it all went, how cruel and malevolent the whole experience was.
The horse was meant to stop at a certain point but cos he's a horse, he don't know that.
He just went home.
He just ran past it and went home to his horse house.
Like, there was me, on its back, and in there was five other horses.
I felt embarrassed.
They were all looking at me like, "Why are you in our horse house?" I was just on its back in a horse house.
Now, take one letter out of that and it's a much more familiar scenario for me.
I'd have been relaxed.
Now, your look is perfect for playing kind of rock stars, but you must get offered other roles? Sometimes they offer me something, Graham, it involves a haircut.
I go, "Pffft.
What's the point?" Really? You wouldn't cut your hair? Not really.
Not for a job.
You've patted it down a bit.
I'll pat it down.
Yeah, he'll pat it down.
I'll pat it down.
If they say "Pat it down for a job" He don't like it being touched! Not after your fish belly.
I see what you've done to your own barnet, don't come near mine! Russell, because you always look like Russell Brand Yeah.
Are you recognised? Presumably you're always recognised.
Yeah.
You're not going to blend into a crowd.
You're tall as well so that's quite I'm quite long, yeah.
People say hello.
But do you like being famous? Do you know what? I like being recognised.
I like some elements of it.
And when you first get famous, it is really, really good fun, for the girls.
Then, though, you sort of realise that some of it is quite contaminating, because you can't really have a private life and stuff like that, and that's sort of a weird thing.
Now, it's not as bad as "Oh, I've been laying asphalt," or "We shouldn't put that on the ceiling anyway.
That'd be dangerous.
" Or, like, you've got fibreglass in your lungs, It's not a terrible thing, it's just a bit of a pain in the arse.
It's all right but it's also Like, lately I've become a little bit disillusioned with the old celebrity because I think people go on about it all the time, and it's like it's used to distract us from things that are important, that we should be thinking about.
I'm part of it, I'm earning a few quid out of it, so I'm not saying I'm better than it.
I'm just saying it's a shame that it's all over the papers and all over the telly as we face an ecological and economic crisis that could destroy our planet if we don't tune in.
Is that why you've got Dalai Lama on your hand? Paloma's pointed out that I wrote on my hand, because it's important, I am doing a, er, event with His Holiness the Dalai Lama at the Manchester Evening News Arena on Saturday.
If you are under 25, you can come for nothing.
His Holiness will be talking about consciousness and young people and inspiring us and giving us hope.
Wow! I've got to intro him and moderate the interview.
Me!? This has been chaos, with Graham Norton! How am I going to get on with the Dalai Lama? Have you met him before? I never met the Dalai Lama before, no.
But by all accounts, he's a cracking fella.
What if I meet him and he's like, "All right, mate.
" On the Rothmans.
I just looked on your hand and it says "HH Dalai Lama", which, of course, now I understand says His Holiness but I thought, for a second, it said, "Hi Dalai Lama.
" And we were, like, matching.
Oh, I must remember.
Hi, Dalai Lama! I'm just such a fan.
And in terms of being recognised, you must get recognised wherever you go, Paloma Faith, cos, again, you look like I don't, you know.
I mean, I do, sort of, on and off, but I'm a little bit like Russell.
I tend to sort of phase out, I'm a bit of a dreamer.
It's not rudeness, we'll tell you.
I don't phase out.
Well, you have quite a few times already.
Have I? Yeah.
I'm doing it now.
Just after I denied it, I felt myself phasing right out.
But, like, I don't necessarily notice that much and I prefer that.
But I do, erm, I quite often, you know I still get the bus and the tube and stuff.
Sometimes people ask me why.
Like, go, "What are you doing on the bus?" And I just say, "Going home.
I hope that is all you're doing on the bus.
Not cutting a load of fish out your guts.
And, Emily, well, I know there are occasions when you aren't recognised.
No, I mean, I think people sometimes think they went to school with me or something like that, but I also I don't know, I feel like some people know you straightaway and then other people say, "Oh, that's the girl from so-and-so.
" Then I had this kid come up to me and say She was really cute, she was about six, and she went," WHINY AMERICAN ACCENT: "Are you the girl from The Gilmore Girls?" and I said, "No, no, I'm not," and she went, "Hm.
"Are you the girl from the Bridge To Terabithia?" and I said, "No, no, I'm not," and she went, "Ohhh.
" And then she just walked away and I heard myself go, scream at her, "But I was in The Devil Wears Prada.
" And she turned and I think her father looked a bit shocked that I just shouted at his child and she looked at me and she went, "I haven't seen that movie," and walked away.
I was, like, "Argh! How embarrassing.
" It was so stupid.
Now, Paloma Faith, today is a very special day because people can buy tickets to go and see you on tour.
Yes, they can.
Yes, they can.
And are you putting on a big show? Is there, like, stuff happening? There's always a big show with me! There's no business like Blowjobbbs! It's definitely going in, then.
It's in now.
Cos Glastonbury, you looked amazing at Glastonbury.
My large inflatable balls! What's going on here? They were attached to you? That must have been quite hard to walk and move.
There was some chafing.
Was it a high concept, or is it just you thought, "Oh, this'll look good"? Well, what happened was, they nearly didn't let me go on stage with them because it ended up being a really windy day.
There she goes! I had to sign something to say that I would take full responsibility for my own death, if I got swept off into the horizon.
You know, up to space or whatever.
That's pretty profound to have to take full responsibility for your own death, cos once you're dead, what are you going to do? It was my fault! Wooo! It was that or the balls, babe.
As I say, you are a trained dancer.
Yeah, I was a trained dancer, but I really haven't danced for long enough, like, ages, so But in burlesque, did you dance? I didn't.
I just sang as a burlesque singer in burlesque clubs.
Were you in that movie? What movie? What are you talking about? No! No, the concept of burlesque.
I didn't think she was in Burlesque the movie.
I was, like, "I don't think she was.
" No, no, but I used to sing in burlesque clubs.
Got it.
Sorry about that.
But Chicago is also a place.
Got it.
It's not true.
That was not true.
Right, it is time for music.
Now, what are you giving us tonight? I'm going to play the first single from my album, which is out now, Fall To Grace, which you happen to have there.
And the album is out now and is hovering at the top of the charts.
Which is lovely.
Congratulations.
And a bit of a first for me so thanks to everyone who bought it.
Nice! I love this track.
I love it.
If you want to go off and get ready, are you OK with steps and things? You're not going to fall over? In a moment, we'll have this week's stories in the famous Red Chair, but first, performing Picking Up The Pieces, it is Paloma Faith! Beautiful! Paloma Faith, everybody! Beautiful job! Come back and join us.
Let me help you.
A very tight dress.
That was gorgeous.
Have a seat.
Lovely.
Thank you.
Good singing.
Great singing! Very good singing! Well done.
No, fantastic.
Thank you.
'Ere, you know when you was over there? That was good! Thanks! Listen, before we go tonight, a story or two in the Red Chair.
So, who's up first? Oh, hello! Hi! What's your name? I'm Carla.
Carla? And where are you from I'm from Brighton but studying at Bedfordshire.
Ooh, right.
What are you studying? Biomedical science.
Ooh! There's a genius on the Red Chair, everyone.
She's studying biomedical science.
She might not be any good at it.
That's true.
I'm good.
"What the bloody hell's this about?" What year are you in? She might just eat the textbooks.
I'm in my second year.
She's passed some exams.
She has passed some exams.
Good result.
OK, off you go with your story.
So, I fell in a volcano.
Sorry? I fell in a volcano.
You fell in a volcano? So, it had lava in it? No, it was like a mud volcano, but it was nice and warm and bubbly.
I reckon we should bin her.
We'll bin her.
Paloma has very high standards for stories.
What happens to her after the lever? I don't know.
She's alive.
She's already fallen in a volcano.
It can't be worse than that.
Who's next? Hello.
Hello! Hi, what's your name? Claire.
What do you do, Claire? I'm a medical sales rep.
Everyone is so clever tonight! She just sells stuff.
Oh, Paloma! Wow! That is cold, Paloma.
We can't all cut our belly and have fish fall out.
Some people just sell shit, OK? Sorry, Mum! Yeah, you've offended a large slice of society, young lady! What's wrong with you? You did a lovely song.
What's your story? It's first date story.
Oh, it's a first date story.
OK, go, go.
I went out with a very distinguished gentleman, and we went for a walk along the South Bank.
And after a few cocktails, we went to Wagamama for some food, and I ordered noodle soup.
Halfway through my noodle soup, he launched at me across the table and said, "Have you got any fetishes?" And I snorted and this big piece of noodle came out of my nostril, and swang like that, and he looked at me horrified.
And I was just mortified.
You can walk.
You can walk.
Thank you.
That was very good.
I was not expecting a noodle.
No, no.
I wasn't.
I wasn't.
What did he? I want to know what his fetishes are.
We don't know.
We don't know.
I wish she'd stayed in the seat a bit longer.
You shouldn't let her walk before What if his fetishes are sucking noodles out of people's noses like nasal Lady And The Tramp.
He'd have been having the night of his life! You can imagine, smoke would have come out of his ears! Do we have someone else? Do we have one more? Hello, sir.
Hi.
Oh, I like his T-shirt with the kissing penguins.
That's very sweet.
Thank you.
What's your name, sir? Paul.
Sorry? Paul.
His name's Poo! Is your name Poo? Paul.
Oh, Paul.
Where are you from? I'm from Wycombe.
Wycombe.
It's just, you're pronouncing it Poole.
Are you very posh? No.
Yes, he is.
He's very posh! Where I come from, you are.
What's your name? "Poole".
Sorry, we shouldn't laugh at you.
You're going to run the country one day.
And then you'll punish me.
"That Norton!" Right, off you go with your story, sir.
So, before going to a christening Can I just say? You are so, so posh! So, my sister suggested we play a game.
Yes, Paul.
Wait, you'll have to start again, Paul.
Sorry, we were laughing at you.
So, you went to a christening So, before going to the christening, my sister suggested that the two of us play a game, where she'd roll me up in this long carpet on our parents' hallway.
So I'd be a bit like a sausage roll.
Yes, I understand.
POSH VOICE: Sausage roll.
Also, there was a detail there, too, that the carpet in their hallway was very long.
It's an enormous hall.
On you go.
So, you're a sausage roll in the carpet.
So, I thought it'd be a fun way to pass the time, and I lie down and let her roll me up.
Mm-hm.
So I have my head sticking out and my arms are stuck in.
She then ran to the kitchen and grabbed some Marmite, brings it back and smothers my face in it, and then calls over our parents' elderly toxic-breath dog to lick all the Marmite.
Ooh! But it worked out fair in the end because it turned out the dog didn't love Marmite and threw up on her shoes.
No.
Very poor end.
Very poor episode.
Well done, everyone.
If you would like to join us on the show and have a go in the Red Chair, you can find out about it at this address.
Thank you so much to my guests tonight.
Paloma Faith, everybody! Mr Russell Brand! And the lovely Emily Blunt! Join me next week, same time.
I'll see you then.
Goodnight and goodbye!