American Dad s11e11 Episode Script

[ Ominous music plays .]
[ Teakettle whistling .]
Francine: This isn't how she wanted to end her day or her life.
[ Snake hissing .]
[ Snap! .]
[ Snake gags .]
Private detective Tony Hurt! How did you find me?! I've been looking for you my whole life.
Mm! They made love not once [ Electricity crackling .]
not twice, but 2 1/2 times.
And she knew, as she had never known before, that the last time wasn't her fault because he was still super into her.
The end of the book I wrote.
I loved it! The whole time I was imagining myself as Tony Hurt -- until the love scene, when I became the housewife for some reason.
But like I said, I loved it! What was your favorite part, Stan? Stan: Come on, right drop! You had a three-drop lead on left drop.
Here it comes! I can't wait to hear this feedback.
Right drop! Hmm.
Sir Alister Wright-Droppe was such a small character.
I'm thrilled that he jumped off the page for you.
I seem to have gotten away with something here.
Well, you're not the only ones going nuts for "The Cobra in the Bag: A Tony Hurt Mystery.
" "By F.
R.
Ancine"? Oh! "Francine.
" [ Chuckles .]
You clever bitch.
The Federation of American Mystery Writers agree with you because they nominated me for an award.
"Best lonely housewife detective novella, softcore.
" And guess what.
The awards banquet is next weekend in Manhattan! What do you say, Stan? Are we all going? Not the small one.
Not the small one.
The big apple! You are my rock, Stan.
I'll start packing.
What day of the week is it? Do I have to be at work? Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say [ "New York, New York" plays .]
A real New York hotel! How many Wall Street bankers had their first prostitute here? Oh, my God! Is that best-selling mystery author James Patterson?! Roger: And his cardboard cutout, who Charlie Rose once interviewed for an hour.
He's receiving a lifetime achievement award! There are more of his books a left on beaches than used condoms.
That guy could easily turn any two-bit detective characters into a best seller, which would then be optioned for a movie! The kind of movie that wouldn't get a theatrical release but would go straight to Redbox?! A Redbox exclusive! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? This sounds like a case for Wheels and the Legman! Wheels and the Legman! [ Both beatboxing .]
We doing this, or what? I can't change as fast as you.
Right, right.
We're gonna need a polyester suit, hair dye, and a wheelchair -- all things I've found before in the bushes of Central Park.
What were you doing in the bushes of Central Park? Not looking for that stuff.
Kaboom! You're D.
O.
Rothy, the queen of lonely housewife detective novellas, softcore.
I'm F.
R.
Ancine, the competition.
I have no competition.
I've won this award six years in a row, and I intend to win it again.
Wait, aren't we in a literary feud like, um, uh, um Oh.
Gee, um I want to say Mary someone! That's right! Keep walkin'! Glad we didn't have to go all the way to Central Park to find this stuff.
Well, sometimes a massive fire breaks out in a senior home across the street right when you need it -- and right when you set it.
Now let's go talk to James Patterson.
Legman, that's a "novel" idea.
[ Sighs .]
I've missed us.
Excuse me, Mr.
Patterson? Oh, for crying out loud! What's the biggest author in the world have to do to get a little privacy? Maybe not stand in the lobby next to a giant picture of yourself? [ Sighs .]
Sorry.
It's just whenever I come to one of these things, every super-fan loser comes out of the woodwork, and they all think they've got the best idea for my next book.
Well, I can assure you that is not what brought my associate and I -- "Me" -- associate and me.
Objective pronoun.
The man's a writer.
Allow I to introduce we -- Wheels and the Legman, private eyes! And we have the best idea for your next book.
[ Both beatboxing .]
Look at him! He loves it! That's just another cardboard cutout.
Ah, right, when people talk, you don't see their words.
Okay, dad, the first thing I want to do is go to the United Nations.
Hayley, we're in New York City.
There's no way I'm doing that.
I want to go on a copper-mine tour.
I-I don't think they have that here.
Hayley, everywhere I've ever vacationed has a copper-mine tour -- New Mexico, Utah, Nebraska.
You're telling me that all those places have something that the so-called "greatest city in the world" doesn't? [ Sighs .]
Why don't we just go do our own things? Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation I was eavesdropping on.
I may have something that both of you will like -- "An Evening with Robert Wuhl at Carnegie Hall.
" Who's Robert Wuhl? He's a very famous actor.
Well, I've never heard of him.
Neither have I.
Sounds like you two finally agree on something.
[ Fingers snap .]
I'll set two tickets aside.
Show's in three hours.
Until then, I'll be taking a tour of that copper mine -- in my imagination.
Oh! Pennies? Really?! [ Indistinct conversations .]
F.
R.
Ancine? I'm James Patterson.
I know.
I met your cutout this morning.
I just want to say I'm a big fan of your work.
The way you write dialogue reminds readers it's really hard to write dialogue.
Of course Patterson wasn't interested.
He's only heard us beatboxing.
He's got to see our detective work.
[ Noirish music plays .]
And it looks like we got ourselves a case.
"The case of the missing napkin.
" All right, everyone.
This is a crime scene.
No one touch anything! I'll do the touching.
Damn it, Legman! Can't you work a case without falling in love? Check us out, Patterson.
We've got drama, banter, romance -- It's writing itself.
He's probably just hiding behind that cut-out.
He's good.
James Patterson likes my writing! Maybe I should prepare an acceptance speech.
You should be more worried about making it to the ceremony at all.
This hotel can be treacherous.
It would be a shame if something happened to you, since you can only win if you're there.
Was she just threatening me? What? S-sorry.
[ Blowing .]
We're -- we're trying to bag the evidence without touching it.
Ugh.
This is impossible.
Can't I just touch it? Wait.
Do we need it, even? [ Applause .]
[ Softly .]
Congratulations again to Michelle.
Man: Speak up! Sorry.
[ Clears throat .]
Uh, I'm really more used to editing than public speaking.
The next category is -- Oh, my God, you suck! Well, i-if you think you can do better -- The next category is self-published lonely housewife detective novellas, softcore! And the winner is You have the envelope, dipshit! Um F.
R.
Ancine.
[ Applause .]
All right, mom! [ Spectators murmur .]
F.
R.
Ancine? [ Spectators murmuring .]
Well, i-if she's not here, then the award goes to D.
O.
Rothy.
[ Applause .]
Yes! What?! Yes! I finally got the napkin in the bag.
Forget the napkin.
We need to figure out where my mom is.
Your mom? I'm gonna need a bigger bag.
[ Noirish music plays .]
There's no sign of her! But plenty of signs of a struggle.
[ Chimes play .]
Her necklace.
She would never go anywhere without that! Except to the poor part of town.
Stan never lets us take more than $20 for the whole family.
And I'd call racist, but they get us every time.
So either my mom knocked over this chair rushing to the poor part of town or She's been [ Ominous music plays .]
taken! Kidnapped! Whoa! I guess we're a bit rusty.
Let-- let's do that again.
She's been [ Ominous music plays .]
taken! Kidnapped! I-I really feel like we need to get this before we can start looking for your mom.
It does seem important.
[ Noirish music plays .]
Yes, hi.
I-I'd like to report a missing person.
Oh, she's been gone around 10 minutes.
Nope.
Haven't looked anywhere yet.
Kind of panicked and called you.
Hello? This is bad.
No! We've got Wheels and the Legman on the case.
First thing we're gonna do is photograph the crime scene.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
What have we here? Wheels, get a picture of these.
Legman! Meow! We're supposed to be looking for evidence, and we're never gonna find it -- oh, hello.
[ Chimes play .]
A receipt from the hotel spa.
Our first clue.
Must have been dropped by the perp.
Let's go check it out.
Only you and I know.
I also know! Ignore him.
[ "New York, New York" plays .]
Well, we're here at the world famous Carnegie Hall.
Closed? We were supposed to see a show starring famous celebrity "Robert Wuhl.
" At your service.
You're the guy from the hotel.
What are you doing here? Surprise! I'm Bobby Wuhl! Ha ha! It's me! You're Robert Wuhl? In the flesh.
Now let's head out and get us some potato salad! Wait, I-I thought we were spending an evening at Carnegie Hall? No, you're spending an evening with Robert Wuhl.
It just started at Carnegie Hall.
You're gonna love the potato salad at this place -- big chunks of potatoes! [ Noirish music plays .]
Look, you're my partner, and I respect that you play by your own rules, but this feels like a dead end.
I'm afraid the only dead ends here are the nerves in your legs because look what I just found.
[ Chimes play .]
It's a piece of menu from per se, one of the finest restaurants in New York.
And it has a smudge of mom's lipstick on it! She must have left this for us, like a bread crumb.
Oh, mom, I'd recognize your shade anywhere -- dog-dick red.
Help! Is anyone there?! Anyone?! [ Gasps .]
A paperclip.
Oh, thank God.
That poppy seed was lodged there all day.
Help! Somebody help! [ Squish! .]
Mmm! You see, I was the star of a show called "Arli$$.
" I've never heard of that.
It was on HBO.
Really? 'Cause I haven't seen it on HBO Go.
Yes, it's "HBO went.
" More like "HBO gone.
" "HBO left for a pack of cigarettes but never came back.
" Nice.
Feed the chicken.
Enough! We were on for seven seasons! If you want to get to know me Meh.
Meh.
you'll love the next part of the evening with Robert Wuhl -- my house.
You live in a deli? No! I'm picking up some more potato salad.
[ Chuckles .]
If you think I'm done eating potato salad for the day, then you don't know Robert Wuhl.
That's what we're trying to tell you.
We can't be any more clear about this.
[ Big-band music plays .]
Eat up, Wheels.
These lactaid pills don't last forever.
I'm not hungry -- mostly because we've had a nine-course tasting menu and an ice-cream sundae while my mom is missing! Everything we've done has been solid detective work.
During our meal at per se, what did we discover in the water glasses? Ice.
Which sent us to Rockefeller Center to do some skating on Ice.
Another clue.
Which told us to go get an ice cream sundae.
Don't you see? Ice at three places! I don't get it.
We have to go to the ice machine on the third floor of the hotel.
Really? There's no time to lose.
One more bite.
[ Gulps .]
Uh-oh.
[ Groaning .]
[ Sighs .]
Ah, that was a long one.
My mom could be dead.
That's low-energy banter, Wheels.
Aha! [ Chimes play .]
It's her room key! I bet she was locked in her closet the whole time -- probably by someone who roofied her Fanta and then finished her Fanta 'cause he's built up an immunity to roofies.
You fake-kidnapped my mom, didn't you? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
How did you know that? Were you running a parallel investigation into me?! Are you wearing a wire?! Why, Roger?! Why did you do this?! We needed a great case to impress James Patterson, so I made one.
That's so stupid! James Patterson hasn't seen any of this! I just assumed he'd hear about it through the grapevine.
Hear about what?! That we had the perfect New York day?! [ Chuckling .]
Yeah, I'd say we did.
You had me freaked out about my mom for nothing! It's not for nothing -- it's for the book deal.
Wheels, you can walk! My partner can walk! You don't have a partner 'cause partners don't lie about the other partner's mom! And partners don't make the other partner split the dinner check when the other partner didn't drink any of the wine! I don't remember drinking four bottles of wine, and that's not the kind of thing you forget.
Don't worry, mom.
I'm here.
[ Ominous music plays .]
Where is she? What do you mean? She's right Wha-huh-huh? Where is my mommy?! She's been kidnapped for real.
This is so bad.
[ Retching .]
Four bottles! Oh, my God.
You let me drink four bottles of wine? Your mom's missing.
[ Chimes play .]
Yes, it's the same missing person from before, but this time it's real! I know because I faked the first kidnapping.
My information? [ Click .]
The police aren't gonna help us.
What we need are the two best detectives in the world.
But the two best detectives broke up because one of them lied and ruined everything.
And I don't know if we can ever get that trust back.
What if I promise never to lie to you again? Yay! Let's solve this case! [ Chimes play .]
I think I just did.
Footprints from a woman's high-heeled shoes.
They're probably your mom's.
Does my mom wear two different size shoes? I don't know, Steve.
I'm not obsessed with your mom like you are.
So, this is my crib.
[ Sniffs .]
Oh, what's that smell? Hmm.
Don't you know you're supposed to refrigerate potato salad? I disagree.
So, that's my game table.
It's where we'll play Candy Land tonight.
All part of the evening! Yeah, I think this evening is over.
This evening doesn't end until midnight, and don't even think about running away, 'cause I'll catch you.
I was the second-fastest guy on "Arli$$," and I'll be even faster after I drop the potatoes off at the pool.
[ Door slams .]
[ Door creaks .]
When this day started, Hayley, I was bummed to be stuck with you.
I wasn't super thrilled, either.
But now I know you're not the worst person in the world to hang out with.
[ Scrape .]
[ Munching .]
Let's get out of here.
But he's looking right at us.
He's on the toilet.
He's not actually gonna chase us.
He's right behind us! We shouldn't have spent so much time stretching! You'll be happy we did tomorrow! [ Noirish music plays .]
Hey, Legman.
Why do mystery writers look so well-rested? I don't know.
Maybe because they're always kid-napping.
We're fun, huh, Patterson? What are you implying? We're not implying.
We're im-saying.
You kidnapped F.
R.
Ancine.
That's absurd.
Is it? Who won the award when she didn't show up? Who was overheard threatening her? I never -- This hotel can be "treacherous"? Sounds like a threat to me.
Oh, God, no.
To get to the ballroom, you have to take the north elevator to the lower lobby, and then take the escalator back to the upper mezzanine, then walk down a flight of stairs.
It's very treacherous.
You mean "confusing"? Perhaps my word choice was a little treacherous.
So I suppose you can account for your whereabouts earlier tonight? I was being intimate with Daniel.
It's true.
I put that ass to sleep.
But I-if it's not you -- Hayley: Run, people! [ People gasping .]
Robert Wuhl is a maniac! Only Robert Wuhl decides when an evening with Robert Wuhl ends! [ Sniffing .]
Well, well, well.
Looks like we have a celebrity guest star.
So? So, according to "Murder, She Wrote," the celebrity guest is always the one who done it.
You just ruined every "Murder, She Wrote" I haven't seen.
[ Sighs .]
Let's -- let's get him, I guess.
[ Sniffs .]
Mr.
Wuhl, I'm a big fan! Oh, why, thank you.
It's always nice to -- wait a minute.
Big fan? That doesn't sound right.
You like picking on girls, huh? Makes you feel like a tough guy? I have no idea what you're talking about.
I'm talking about "Kung Fu Panda.
" Hi-yah! [ Growls .]
[ Squeak! .]
[ Whoosh! .]
Wheels, I need help! I gotcha, partner! Aah! [ Thud .]
What the hell's wrong with you guys? You kidnapped my mom! Are you crazy? I've been hanging out with good friends all night, and now they've slipped through my fingers.
But I'll hunt them down.
Don't you worry about Arliss.
[ Sniffing .]
What's Arliss? Who knows? But that's not our guy.
He's not wearing high-heeled shoes.
Right! We were looking for a woman.
[ Sighs .]
That was the one thing we knew.
And it wouldn't be our lowest moment if Patterson wasn't here to see it.
Pathetic.
[ Heels clacking .]
[ Chimes play .]
Son of a bitch! It was Patterson the whole time! Or at least in the end.
We got to stop him! Legman, you're still in that bowling league, right? Throw me! You know I stick my fingers in the holes pretty deep.
Just get me there.
[ Noirish music plays .]
You missed! Wow! Sick spin! [ Pins crash .]
Mom, you're safe! Oh, thank God you found me! This monster kidnapped me and was making me write a book for him! Here's the first chapter.
It's pretty much what we talked about.
I made a couple changes.
Just -- just be gentle.
Why would you need her to write a book? I'm trying to get into the young-adult market, but I just can't make my exquisite writing that simple.
Francine is naturally banal.
Thank you.
How about this weather we're having? See, that's the magic I'm trying to capture.
One more question.
Why the high heels? Confidence.
Sorry, one more question.
They give you confidence or you have enough confidence to wear them? Doesn't matter, 'cause I'm confident he's going away for a long time, thanks to Wheels and the Legman.
[ Both beatboxing .]
All right, let's go, Patterson.
He's cardboard again.
"Skids & the Walking Guy"?! Patterson stole our characters! "Soon to be a major motion picture"?! He stole our idea to make it into a movie! Says here it's gonna be a Redbox exclusive! He stole our distribution model! Hey, at least you made Patterson some money.
Feed the chicken.
Roger? Feed the damn chicken, Rog! Don't leave the chicken hanging! Whoop! The chicken does not eat.
Must be full.
Chicken's been eating all day.