M*A*S*H (MASH) s11e11 Episode Script

You fellas look like walking advertisements for rigor mortis.
- You feeling all right? - If only I had the strength to drop dead.
If you two would stop carousing all night you might feel better in the morning.
For your information, Margaret, we went to bed at 10:00 last night.
And at 10:15, 10:30 - What are you talking about? - Charles snores! We would have gotten better sleep at the front.
- Good morning! - I wouldn't bring that up for a vote, if I were you.
Not unless you want to see a show of fists.
For the sake of our sanity, which is iffy at best why don't you go sleep someplace else tonight? - How about the V.
I.
P.
Tent? - Sorry, boys.
That room's got the ocupado sign out for my son-in-law tonight.
Your son-in-law's coming here? Who booked his trip, the Marquis De Sade Travel Agency? Nope.
He's here on a business trip.
And if Klinger gets the last of the red tape tied up, he'll be here today.
What's so funny about that? Oh, I was just thinking.
Charles Emerson Winchester llI snores.
No, Charles does not snore.
Since I have never snored in my entire life, why would I start all of a sudden? Lf, of course, I had.
Which, of course, I haven't.
Good news, Colonel.
"L" Corps just cleared your son-in-law.
Hot po-taters.
When'll he be here? He's wrapping up a little business in Seoul.
He should make it by lunchtime.
Isn't that nice? I can't wait to meet him.
- What kind of business is he in? - Import gifts.
You know, little doodads that sort of sit around the house and look cute.
No doubt the sort of rare treasures displayed at the gift counters of finer gas stations everywhere.
Oh, stuff it, Winchester.
Anyway, his company opened up a branch in Tokyo.
Somebody had to come out and check the new corporate digs.
So Bob pulled some strings to get to Seoul and I pulled some more strings to get him here and now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get myself spruced up.
I'll get the V.
I.
P.
Tent ready, sir.
Geez, you guys look awful.
You really ought to get some sleep.
We were up all night listening to a kazoo concert.
Boy, how come I always hear about special stuff after it's too late? Coming.
- Oh, it's you.
- Oh, sorry to disappoint you, sir.
I just thought you might be wanting your afternoon son-in-law.
- Bobby! - Hey, Pop.
It's great to see ya.
Oh, you look wonderful.
Klinger, why don't you take Bob's stuff over to the V.
I.
P.
Tent.
- I'll show him the way later.
- Yes, sir.
It will be an honor and privilege to carry civilian clothes.
Look at you.
You're spiffier than a petunia in a patch of chigger weed.
You look pretty terrific yourself.
You know, I always told Mildred, "You keep an eye on that boy.
He's gonna be somebody one of these days.
" I seem to remember something in there about hell freezing over.
Well that was a long time ago, and we've both done a lot of growing up.
Here.
I got a present for you, Pop.
Figured it'd be a handsome addition to your Zane Grey library.
Oh.
I picked 'em up at our factory in Seoul.
We make all sorts of brass knickknacks there mostly out of melted-down shell casings.
It's too bad they can't skip the middleman make the knickknacks and throw away the bullets.
Thanks, Son.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Sit down.
Oh.
I've got something for you too.
Somewhere around here.
Oh, you didn't have to get me a present, Pop.
I swear it's someplace here, and I know you're gonna love it.
It's a little hand-carved picture frame that the local folks make and I put a snapshot in it of the whole family.
Thought it might keep you from getting lonesome when you're on the road.
Gee.
That sounds great.
Thanks.
Uh, I probably stuck it in my office someplace.
Well, don't worry.
I'll find it before you leave.
So, you're enjoying your trip? Yeah.
It's been interesting.
But I'm kinda tired.
I was gonna give you a tour of the camp right off but it isn't going anywhere, so why don't you take a little nap first? - Gee, thanks.
- Come on.
I'll show you your bunkhouse.
Unfortunately, there's more bunk than house.
Eh Pardon.
Please be sure to change Private Grotowski's dressing every four ho - Bless you.
- Charles, you sneezed.
- That's right.
You did.
You sneezed.
- Gentlemen, how astute.
Your years of medical schooling have not gone to waste after all.
- Flowers.
- An allergy.
That could be causing your snoring.
- Where did these come from? - I picked them this morning.
They're blooming all over.
- Are you having trouble breathing? - Actually That could be why he's never snored before.
Just take an antihistamine until the flower season is over.
Gentlemen and Margaret, as a physician, I'm fully aware that the pollen can cause allergic reactions which, in certain circumstances, can lead to snoring.
- However, in this case, that cannot be the case.
- Why not? - Because I do not snore! - Charles, what is the big deal about admitting it? A lot of people snore.
A lot of people dribble soup and vote for Democrats.
Hey, Doc, you snore? Did you ever try sleepin' on your stomach? Well, here's to you, Son.
Huh? Who's in Tucson? Pierce, if you're so dog tired, why don't you go back to the Swamp and sleep? I'd rather sleep here.
It's quieter.
I'll never forget when Evy first started bringing Bob around.
- Which was easier than bringing you two around.
- Sorry, Colonel.
He came to the house one night all gussied up in a new suit.
He was friendly.
He was polite.
Called me sir.
I didn't buy it for a minute.
I figured any man with all that sugar-coatin' had to be a pill.
You know what's funny? I wasn't too crazy about you back then either.
Really? Ain't that a hoot? Why was that? I don't know.
I just thought you were kind of grumpy.
He thought you were kind of grumpy.
- Now you wake up.
- Hmm? You'll have to excuse these two.
They're themselves today.
Sorry, Bob.
But there's an ill wind blowing all night in our tent.
- Listen.
What do you say we go back to the Swamp? - Huh? What for? Maybe that ill wind can blow us some good.
Come on.
- Come on.
- Good night.
Just as well.
We'll have a chance to be alone.
I don't know if I ever told you this.
Knowing me, probably not.
My first instincts about you dead wrong.
I think Evy got a damned fine husband and I got myself a good friend.
Thanks, Pop.
Anyway, I, uh It's getting kind of late.
I think I'd like to turn in.
Already? Didn't you catch a nap this afternoon? I guess I'm just tired from all this traveling.
I know how that is.
We'll put a bookmark here and pick up where we left off tomorrow.
- Good night, Son.
- Good night.
Wha What is that infernal noise? You mean this tape recording of you not snoring? Pierce, any idiot can make snoring noises into a tape recorder.
Charles! Those flowers are only gonna be blooming for a little while.
When they're gone, your allergy will be gone.
All we're asking is that you go somewhere else for a couple of nights and let us get some sleep! Me? Let's talk you.
You're the ones with the problem.
You go somewhere else! I'd be more than happy to suggest a place.
We live here.
We don't snore.
And we're not going anywhere! Probably the only three things we will ever have in common.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
This conversation is putting me to sleep.
- Charles - Good night.
Ah.
MASH 4077.
Uh, no, Sparky.
This is not "Fur Face.
" It's Colonel Potter.
Come on, at ease.
Now, anything I can do for ya? What does the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo want with us? All right.
Put him through.
Hello.
Yes, this is the 4077.
What can I do for ya? Robert Wilson? Yes, you can reach him here.
What do you mean, his wife left a silk nightgown in the hotel room? What wife? He registered with Mrs.
Wilson? This Robert Wilson, was he with the Rapahanak Import Company? I see.
No.
Uh that won't be necessary.
I'm sure Mrs.
Wilson can get a new nightgown.
You know, Evy and I took Stuart to the horse show over in Dry Fork last month.
Ever since then it seems like the only word he knows is pony.
Is that so? Yeah.
I don't think we're gonna have any peace until we buy him one.
Evy says we should wait until he's older, but seems to me that it's never too soon.
- What do you think? - That's up to you.
I think it'd be good for the whole family.
Lord knows Evy could use the exercise.
Maybe she doesn't have time to keep her girlish figure anymore because she's so busy cooking your meals, cleaning your house and taking care of your child.
Hey, Dad, don't get me wrong.
She's terrific.
You're damn right she is.
Well, uh, it's gettin' kind of late.
I'm gonna go wash up for dinner.
You coming? No.
I'm not all that hungry.
You go ahead.
Okay.
- See ya later.
- Okay.
Come in.
Excuse me, Padre.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Well, I was working on Sunday's sermon.
But I could use a break.
I wanted to talk about, uh about the personal belongings inventory - of the wounded in post-op.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
I was planning to bring it by first thing in the morning.
I didn't know there was any rush.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
That looks fine to me.
You sure do have nice handwriting, Padre.
Well, thank you.
I'll certainly sleep better knowing that.
Colonel, by any chance was there something else you wanted to talk to me about? Since you bring it up, there is.
Uh, come Sunday morning it might not be a bad idea if you put away all that baloney about the one-legged man and the wheelbarrow and preach some good, old-fashioned values.
You could start with a refresher course on the Ten Commandments.
Hmm.
Something tells me you have a particular favorite.
You bet I do.
Earlier today, I found out that while my son-in-law was in Tokyo on business he had himself uh a rendezvous.
- With a woman.
- No, with a plate of turnip greens! I'm sorry, Padre.
It's not your fault my daughter married a jackass.
This rendezvous.
Uh, are you sure it took place? I got a call from the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo.
They said Mrs.
Wilson had left her fancy silk nightgown there.
Mrs.
Wilson right now is back home in Missouri slaving over a hot stove, cooking dinner for my grandson.
Oh, dear.
Who knows how long this kind of thing has been going on? This is just one I happened to catch.
I should have gone with my first instinct this boy is a two-faced scoundrel! - Where are you going? - To call Evy.
I'm not going to sit by and watch her be made a fool of.
Now, Colonel, before you do anything you might end up regretting why don't you just take a moment to calm down and think this over? Perhaps you should talk to your son-in-law about it.
Whose side are you on? I thought adultery earned an express ride right downstairs.
Look, I'm not condoning what he did.
But I've lived in a war zone for a long time now and I've seen the sixth commandment take quite a beating.
It doesn't necessarily mean the end of a good marriage.
We're not talking about some lonely soldier who's been stuck over here for a year.
This is a traveling salesman who's only been away for one week! And it's not some army wife I never met.
It's my daughter! Come in.
Good evening, uh, Fath I I was just passing by, saw the light on.
- Uh, you busy? - Oh, that's all right, Major.
- I'm on a break.
- Oh.
Very well.
I see.
Uh Well, Father, as you know, I'm not a religious man.
However, something has been bothering me.
And as there's nobody here who'd be much better I've chosen to bring the problem to you.
Oh.
Thank you, Major.
Your confidence in me is an inspiration.
Uh, well, what is it? See, Father There is the slightest possibility that I am not a true Winchester.
You mean you may be adopted? Oh, my goodness.
No, no.
Much worse than that.
Uh, I'm afraid there is the possibility slim though it be that I snore.
Snore.
Oh.
Good heavens, Major.
What courage it took to admit that.
Well, Father, I'm afraid you don't understand.
See, all my life, I have harbored a secret dread that I may not be worthy of my name that I'm not good enough to be a Winchester.
What if all this malarkey is true that I do snore like a common factory worker? What if that's just the tip of the iceberg? What if there are even more vulgar traits lurking just underneath the surface? Today snoring.
Tomorrow, sitting in front of a TVwith a cold brew watching roller derby? What if perish the thought I am actually the same as everybody else? I couldn't live with that.
Well, Major I certainly am glad you've confided in me.
This shows me a dimension of you that I had never fully appreciated.
- Well, thank you, Father.
- Speaking as one whose ancestors were factory workers and who likes roller derby and a good brew do I understand you to say that if you can't be better than me then there's no point in living? Well, don't take it personally, Father.
Why should I take it personally? By the way, did I ever tell you about the time - I was thrown out of the seminary dorm for snoring? - Uh The truth of the matter is you're not superior to any of us - whether you snore or not.
- Shh! And at times like this, I'm not even sure you're equal.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have more important things to worry about than your snoring! I didn't say I snored, merely that I was accused of it.
Major, your attitude gives me the willies! This is certainly the last time I ever come to you with a serious problem.
I'm still waiting for the first time! Thanks, operator.
Hello.
That you, Evy? It's your dad, honey.
How are ya? No, no.
I'm fine.
I just needed to talk to you about something.
No.
Bob's fine too.
He's Well, he's asleep right now.
Well, he would have been here with me, but wouldn't you know it by the time the operator finally got through, he had turned in.
Just tuckered out from all that travelin', I suppose.
Evy, uh, I was wondering.
Is everything okay with you and Bob? Well, that's good.
Oh, it's just that he was telling me about some flap over a a pony for Stuart.
Oh.
Well, must have misunderstood then.
Well, I just want you to know that I think a pony's a wonderful idea.
Wouldn't hurt you to get some exercise too.
And tell Stuart I have a saddle for him when he gets bigger.
Yeah.
I'll be sure to tell him.
Yeah.
He He really misses both of you too.
Well, I'd better go.
What? Oh, nothin', really.
Uh, just that I love you.
Yeah.
That's all.
Give Stu a big hug for me.
Okay, honey.
Bye-bye.
- E Wh What? - Charles! Oh, no, you don't.
I am sick and tired of playing this game.
Once and for all, I do not snore! Oh, yes, you do! We can hear you all the way over in post-op! Actually, I'm impressed.
Even my schnoz couldn't honk that loud.
You are giving our position away to the enemy! - Now are you convinced? - Huh? Gentlemen, the fact that I am leaving is in no way an indication that I am dignifying this stupidity with a response but merely that I am sick and tired of being subjected to your pubescent whims.
I don't care why you're leaving as long as you're leaving! - Go suck a grenade! - Yeah! Major, have you tried sleeping One word about my stomach, and you'll be busted first your rank, then your knees.
And good night to you, sir.
Come in.
- Morning.
- How are ya, Pop? Your jeep's outside.
Thought I'd see ya off.
Hey, thanks.
Well, guess I'm all set to go.
Bob, uh, can you spare a moment to talk? Oh, uh Sure.
Uh Sit down.
I got a little story I think maybe you should hear.
It's something I've never told anybody before.
Happened a long time ago.
I was just finishing up my residency and I was about to start my first job at the V.
A.
In Springfield.
Mildred went ahead to set up housekeeping and I stayed behind in St.
Louis.
One night, I was comin' off a real late shift and there was this nurse who had been workin' with me.
Well, we were both hungry and the thought ofhaving a little something to eat together certainly seemed harmless enough at the time.
After that, she suggested a nightcap at her place.
And, well things got a little friendlier than they should have.
When I caught up with Mildred I felt so bad I couldn't look her in the face for a week.
She never let on she suspected anything but somehow I always felt maybe she sensed what had happened.
Took me a long time to get over it.
And I decided I never wanted to live with that kind of guilt again.
There isn't much that can make ya feel worse than betraying the love of a good woman.
How'd you know? That's not important.
The thing is, no matter how well you keep a secret there'll always be one person who knows you.
I never meant for it to happen.
We met on the plane.
We had a couple of drinks together and it She started flirting with me, and before I knew it Oh, hell, Pop.
I knew what I was doing.
I've been feeling like dirt ever since.
Nothing like this has ever happened before if that'll make you feel any better.
How I feel about it isn't what matters.
I really love Evy.
And I love Stuart.
And I would never do anything to hurt them.
I never meant to hurt you either.
I would give anything if this hadn't happened.
Yeah, I know.
I'm surprised you didn't tear me limb from limb.
Came this close.
But, well I realized there was no sense in ruining three people's lives over one slipup.
We all do things we could kick ourselves for.
Thanks, Pop.
Here.
I I finally found this.
It's lovely.
You sure you still want me to have it? I'm sure.
I just hope you'll always be in the picture.
Believe me, Pop, I will.
Told ya you snored, didn't we? You didn't believe it.
Got ya on tape.
You didn't listen.
Eh.
You just kept snoring, keepin' us awake.
Have you tried sleeping on your stomach?