Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (2014) s11e12 Episode Script
Corn
1
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight!"
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week.
King Charles
unveiled this official portrait,
depicting him being consumed
by the scarlet fires of hell.
A portal providing live video
between New York and Dublin
was temporarily shut down
after, among other things,
someone flashed it,
which, of course they did.
And all around the country,
there've been graduation ceremonies.
They've been a little chaotic this year,
both because of the protests over Gaza,
but also for weirder reasons,
like an announcer at Thomas Jefferson
University's graduation
struggling to pronounce
some pretty common names.
That is magnificent!
Mispronouncing "Thomas"
at Thomas Jefferson University
is just spectacular.
And the school later
explained that the problem was,
the names
had been spelled phonetically.
For instance, this was the card
for Sarah Virginia Brennan.
While providing phonetic pronunciations
is fairly commonplace for graduations,
what isn't is looking
at the pronunciation, panicking,
swallowing your own tongue,
and then attempting to reinvent Welsh.
But that wasn't even the weirdest
college graduation this year.
At Benedictine College in Kansas,
the kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs
went on an antisemitic, anti-gay,
anti-trans rant, in which he told women
to "embrace one of the most
important titles of all: homemaker",
which is especially wild, coming
from someone whose own mother
is, and this is true,
a physicist specializing
in "brachytherapy and Gamma Knife
medical physics care".
But I guess he is right,
her most important job was probably
raising this absolute ham sandwich
of a man.
Meanwhile, Ohio State
had this "social entrepreneur"
ramble through a speech that he
admitted he'd taken ayahuasca to write,
in which he gave the audience
advice about investing in Bitcoin.
And just today,
Morehouse College had Joe Biden
as their commencement speaker,
and while as of taping
that hasn't happened yet,
I'm sure it went great.
And look,
commencement speeches are hard.
That is why
I've never done one,
no matter how many times
Hogwarts asks me to.
Stop sending me fucking owls!
But they don't need
to be an absolute disaster.
And perhaps the wildest choice
for speaker this year
came from D'Youville
University in Buffalo,
whose graduation
speaker was this.
Congratulations
to all the graduating students.
I offer you
the following inspirational advice
that is common
at all graduation ceremonies.
Embrace lifelong learning.
Be adaptable.
Pursue your passions. Take risks.
Foster meaningful connections.
Make a positive impact.
And believe in yourself.
Yeah, they had a robot
address their graduating students,
with remarks composed by AI.
And I'm sure students will fondly
remember those stirring words
as robots take all of their jobs
before eventually tracking them down
when they're hiding in a warehouse
during humanity's final hours.
But we're gonna move on
to talk about Europe, Britain's ex.
It's had a tumultuous week.
Slovakia's prime minister barely
survived an assassination attempt,
and in Germany,
the far-right anti-immigrant AfD Party
has been on the rise.
And yes, its logo does look like the
Nike swoosh grew a very sharp penis.
This week, though,
the AfD suffered multiple setbacks,
with one court ruling that they're
a potential threat to democracy,
and another convicting
one of their leading members
on a pretty striking charge.
A prominent figure
in Germany's far-right Alternative
for Germany AfD Party
is standing trial for using
a banned Nazi-era slogan.
Björn Höcke allegedly repeated
the phrase "everything for Germany"
twice at political rallies.
The phrase was once a motto
of the original paramilitary wing
of the Nazi Party.
Höcke denies he was aware
of the origins of the slogan,
claiming it is a common
in everyday phrase.
Yeah, Höcke claimed
that he was unaware
that "everything for Germany"
was a Nazi slogan.
Although I will say,
that is a little hard to believe,
given, one,
those are Nazi eyes right there.
And two,
before going into politics,
he used to be a history teacher
in Germany.
So, unless his version
of German history went,
Middle Ages, then 18th century,
then Otto von Bismarck,
then everyone kind of just hung out
for a while,
then "99 Luftballons",
it's pretty tough to believe.
I know it might seem weird to be
on trial for just saying that slogan.
It's a stark difference
from the U.S.,
where here our Constitution guarantees
virtually unlimited freedom of speech,
except, of course,
when the Supreme Court decides
it's cool for a public university
to ban drag shows.
That happened two months ago.
And yet somehow,
no one flew a Pride flag
upside down on their lawn in protest.
But Germany
has "constitutional safeguards
designed to prevent
authoritarian rule",
for reasons
that should be obvious to everyone
except, I'm guessing,
Germany's worst-ever history teacher.
And in spite of all of this, the AfD
has become increasingly popular.
It's now the second
most popular party in the country.
Höcke himself is now running
to become premier in his state,
essentially, the governor,
in September's regional elections.
If he succeeds, it would be "the first
time since the end of the Nazi regime
that there would be
a far-right party
in control of a state government
in Germany."
The growth of the AfD
is alarming.
And a CNN reporter actually
attended one of their meetings,
although, in doing so, chose to report
on it in a slightly weird way.
Pro and AfD-curious supporters
have gathered to hear
from party officials.
The message
even has Trumpian undertones.
"Our country first", posters say.
Part of the AfD pull for voters
is about luring people
away from some of Germany's
largest political parties
through transparency, they say.
But some of what's being discussed
in this room is warped,
questioning things
like the Covid pandemic
and whether climate change
is even real.
Yeah, I totally agree,
it's all very upsetting,
but did it ever cross your mind
to report on that from, like, outside?
They can hear you!
Your on-screen caption
might as well have said
"Gullible dipshits in here don't
even realize I'm talking about them."
I know these are famously
pretty intolerant people,
but even I have to admit,
they're being surprisingly chill
about someone shit-talking them
during their meeting.
That said, AfD supporters do hold
some deeply worrying views.
I'm glad that someone
is taking care of all this scum
that has spread in our country,
in our beautiful Germany.
If being far-right means living
my life as I've done so far at 68,
that is, studying, working, paying my
taxes, never doing anything wrong,
then being far-right or being a Nazi
cannot be something wrong.
Yeah, okay, but the thing is, that's very
much not what being far-right means.
Lots of people are
68, working, and paying taxes,
and I'd venture to say most
of them are not Nazi enthusiasts,
other than, it seems,
you and Mel Gibson.
The AfD pushes hard-line
anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim policies
and promotes "a return
to traditional German culture".
In 2017, the party's manifesto said,
"Islam does not belong to Germany",
and that same year,
it ran this ad,
which translates to
"Burkas? We like bikinis."
Which is the slogan you get
if you combine the horniness
of a "Female Body Inspector" T-shirt
with the Islamophobia
of the actual FBI.
Though it is pretty clear all of that
talk of loving German traditions
is just a dog whistle,
especially when you discover
how little some of them seem to know
about the culture
they're celebrating.
Just watch as an AfD Party leader
was caught completely off guard
by a literal child.
We would like to see
more German folk songs
taught and more German
poems taught.
That we appreciate our German
thinkers and poets more in the schools.
I think we already have to memorize
quite a lot of poetry.
Your favorite poem, actually?
Your favorite German one?
My favorite poem is…
I'd have to think about it.
Can't remember any
at the moment.
- None?
- No.
Good for that kid.
Dismantling a politician while also
managing to complain about homework.
That has to be embarrassing
for that man,
who got destroyed by someone
whose mom is picking them up
after this interview.
And the AfD has been associated
with much nastier stuff
than just "learn German poetry".
A number of AfD officials
attended a secret meeting
where participants discussed
proposals for "unassimilated citizens"
to be deported
to "a model state in north Africa"
instantly drawing comparisons
to the Nazis' initial plan
to deport European Jews
to Madagascar.
It's all very bleak.
But if there is any good news here,
it's the severity of the backlash
against the AfD from many Germans.
In January, over a million people
rallied in cities across Germany,
with banners and signs
that said things like "no Nazis"
and "voting for AfD is so 1933".
And they clearly knew
what was at stake.
More than 150,000 here outside
the Reichstag with one message:
Germany will not go back
to the dark days.
We've been there already.
You know?
- You can stop them this time?
- I hope, we have to.
You now hear people fantasizing
about deporting millions of Germans
and migrants in Germany
to other countries, wherever it is,
that resonates directly to history.
Yeah, that man is right! And I cannot
tell you how much I appreciate
that not only did he bring
that delightfully composed wiener dog,
it also had the presence of mind
to look straight down the camera,
as if it was waiting
for a record scratch so it could say
"Yep. That's me. You're wondering
how I ended up in this situation".
And a quick note to that CNN reporter:
that is how you report.
Not by whispering
over a speech in progress,
but by identifying people
with perfect dogs
and immediately
going to talk to them.
And while the pushback
to the AfD is inspiring,
the party is not going away
anytime soon.
They're running for seats
in the European Parliament next month,
and there are regional
and national elections on the horizon,
all of which
should be very concerning.
Between the attempted assassination
of a central European leader,
and the rise
of a far-right party in Germany,
Europe really seems to be playing
the 20th century hits right now,
even if at least one
of their former history teachers
refuses to see the similarity.
And now, this!
And now…
Please Enjoy Some Better Names
for the Dogs
From This Year's
Westminster Dog Show.
Quinceanera.
Chef.
Ravioli.
Shopping.
Jason Statham.
Jason Statham.
Football.
Baseball.
Operation Condor
Was A U.S.-Backed Campaign
Of Murder And Political Repression
That Took Place In South America
From 1975 to 1983.
Eric.
Lady Business.
Weasel.
The Reincarnation
Of King Charles III
And Cher.
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight!"
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week.
King Charles
unveiled this official portrait,
depicting him being consumed
by the scarlet fires of hell.
A portal providing live video
between New York and Dublin
was temporarily shut down
after, among other things,
someone flashed it,
which, of course they did.
And all around the country,
there've been graduation ceremonies.
They've been a little chaotic this year,
both because of the protests over Gaza,
but also for weirder reasons,
like an announcer at Thomas Jefferson
University's graduation
struggling to pronounce
some pretty common names.
That is magnificent!
Mispronouncing "Thomas"
at Thomas Jefferson University
is just spectacular.
And the school later
explained that the problem was,
the names
had been spelled phonetically.
For instance, this was the card
for Sarah Virginia Brennan.
While providing phonetic pronunciations
is fairly commonplace for graduations,
what isn't is looking
at the pronunciation, panicking,
swallowing your own tongue,
and then attempting to reinvent Welsh.
But that wasn't even the weirdest
college graduation this year.
At Benedictine College in Kansas,
the kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs
went on an antisemitic, anti-gay,
anti-trans rant, in which he told women
to "embrace one of the most
important titles of all: homemaker",
which is especially wild, coming
from someone whose own mother
is, and this is true,
a physicist specializing
in "brachytherapy and Gamma Knife
medical physics care".
But I guess he is right,
her most important job was probably
raising this absolute ham sandwich
of a man.
Meanwhile, Ohio State
had this "social entrepreneur"
ramble through a speech that he
admitted he'd taken ayahuasca to write,
in which he gave the audience
advice about investing in Bitcoin.
And just today,
Morehouse College had Joe Biden
as their commencement speaker,
and while as of taping
that hasn't happened yet,
I'm sure it went great.
And look,
commencement speeches are hard.
That is why
I've never done one,
no matter how many times
Hogwarts asks me to.
Stop sending me fucking owls!
But they don't need
to be an absolute disaster.
And perhaps the wildest choice
for speaker this year
came from D'Youville
University in Buffalo,
whose graduation
speaker was this.
Congratulations
to all the graduating students.
I offer you
the following inspirational advice
that is common
at all graduation ceremonies.
Embrace lifelong learning.
Be adaptable.
Pursue your passions. Take risks.
Foster meaningful connections.
Make a positive impact.
And believe in yourself.
Yeah, they had a robot
address their graduating students,
with remarks composed by AI.
And I'm sure students will fondly
remember those stirring words
as robots take all of their jobs
before eventually tracking them down
when they're hiding in a warehouse
during humanity's final hours.
But we're gonna move on
to talk about Europe, Britain's ex.
It's had a tumultuous week.
Slovakia's prime minister barely
survived an assassination attempt,
and in Germany,
the far-right anti-immigrant AfD Party
has been on the rise.
And yes, its logo does look like the
Nike swoosh grew a very sharp penis.
This week, though,
the AfD suffered multiple setbacks,
with one court ruling that they're
a potential threat to democracy,
and another convicting
one of their leading members
on a pretty striking charge.
A prominent figure
in Germany's far-right Alternative
for Germany AfD Party
is standing trial for using
a banned Nazi-era slogan.
Björn Höcke allegedly repeated
the phrase "everything for Germany"
twice at political rallies.
The phrase was once a motto
of the original paramilitary wing
of the Nazi Party.
Höcke denies he was aware
of the origins of the slogan,
claiming it is a common
in everyday phrase.
Yeah, Höcke claimed
that he was unaware
that "everything for Germany"
was a Nazi slogan.
Although I will say,
that is a little hard to believe,
given, one,
those are Nazi eyes right there.
And two,
before going into politics,
he used to be a history teacher
in Germany.
So, unless his version
of German history went,
Middle Ages, then 18th century,
then Otto von Bismarck,
then everyone kind of just hung out
for a while,
then "99 Luftballons",
it's pretty tough to believe.
I know it might seem weird to be
on trial for just saying that slogan.
It's a stark difference
from the U.S.,
where here our Constitution guarantees
virtually unlimited freedom of speech,
except, of course,
when the Supreme Court decides
it's cool for a public university
to ban drag shows.
That happened two months ago.
And yet somehow,
no one flew a Pride flag
upside down on their lawn in protest.
But Germany
has "constitutional safeguards
designed to prevent
authoritarian rule",
for reasons
that should be obvious to everyone
except, I'm guessing,
Germany's worst-ever history teacher.
And in spite of all of this, the AfD
has become increasingly popular.
It's now the second
most popular party in the country.
Höcke himself is now running
to become premier in his state,
essentially, the governor,
in September's regional elections.
If he succeeds, it would be "the first
time since the end of the Nazi regime
that there would be
a far-right party
in control of a state government
in Germany."
The growth of the AfD
is alarming.
And a CNN reporter actually
attended one of their meetings,
although, in doing so, chose to report
on it in a slightly weird way.
Pro and AfD-curious supporters
have gathered to hear
from party officials.
The message
even has Trumpian undertones.
"Our country first", posters say.
Part of the AfD pull for voters
is about luring people
away from some of Germany's
largest political parties
through transparency, they say.
But some of what's being discussed
in this room is warped,
questioning things
like the Covid pandemic
and whether climate change
is even real.
Yeah, I totally agree,
it's all very upsetting,
but did it ever cross your mind
to report on that from, like, outside?
They can hear you!
Your on-screen caption
might as well have said
"Gullible dipshits in here don't
even realize I'm talking about them."
I know these are famously
pretty intolerant people,
but even I have to admit,
they're being surprisingly chill
about someone shit-talking them
during their meeting.
That said, AfD supporters do hold
some deeply worrying views.
I'm glad that someone
is taking care of all this scum
that has spread in our country,
in our beautiful Germany.
If being far-right means living
my life as I've done so far at 68,
that is, studying, working, paying my
taxes, never doing anything wrong,
then being far-right or being a Nazi
cannot be something wrong.
Yeah, okay, but the thing is, that's very
much not what being far-right means.
Lots of people are
68, working, and paying taxes,
and I'd venture to say most
of them are not Nazi enthusiasts,
other than, it seems,
you and Mel Gibson.
The AfD pushes hard-line
anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim policies
and promotes "a return
to traditional German culture".
In 2017, the party's manifesto said,
"Islam does not belong to Germany",
and that same year,
it ran this ad,
which translates to
"Burkas? We like bikinis."
Which is the slogan you get
if you combine the horniness
of a "Female Body Inspector" T-shirt
with the Islamophobia
of the actual FBI.
Though it is pretty clear all of that
talk of loving German traditions
is just a dog whistle,
especially when you discover
how little some of them seem to know
about the culture
they're celebrating.
Just watch as an AfD Party leader
was caught completely off guard
by a literal child.
We would like to see
more German folk songs
taught and more German
poems taught.
That we appreciate our German
thinkers and poets more in the schools.
I think we already have to memorize
quite a lot of poetry.
Your favorite poem, actually?
Your favorite German one?
My favorite poem is…
I'd have to think about it.
Can't remember any
at the moment.
- None?
- No.
Good for that kid.
Dismantling a politician while also
managing to complain about homework.
That has to be embarrassing
for that man,
who got destroyed by someone
whose mom is picking them up
after this interview.
And the AfD has been associated
with much nastier stuff
than just "learn German poetry".
A number of AfD officials
attended a secret meeting
where participants discussed
proposals for "unassimilated citizens"
to be deported
to "a model state in north Africa"
instantly drawing comparisons
to the Nazis' initial plan
to deport European Jews
to Madagascar.
It's all very bleak.
But if there is any good news here,
it's the severity of the backlash
against the AfD from many Germans.
In January, over a million people
rallied in cities across Germany,
with banners and signs
that said things like "no Nazis"
and "voting for AfD is so 1933".
And they clearly knew
what was at stake.
More than 150,000 here outside
the Reichstag with one message:
Germany will not go back
to the dark days.
We've been there already.
You know?
- You can stop them this time?
- I hope, we have to.
You now hear people fantasizing
about deporting millions of Germans
and migrants in Germany
to other countries, wherever it is,
that resonates directly to history.
Yeah, that man is right! And I cannot
tell you how much I appreciate
that not only did he bring
that delightfully composed wiener dog,
it also had the presence of mind
to look straight down the camera,
as if it was waiting
for a record scratch so it could say
"Yep. That's me. You're wondering
how I ended up in this situation".
And a quick note to that CNN reporter:
that is how you report.
Not by whispering
over a speech in progress,
but by identifying people
with perfect dogs
and immediately
going to talk to them.
And while the pushback
to the AfD is inspiring,
the party is not going away
anytime soon.
They're running for seats
in the European Parliament next month,
and there are regional
and national elections on the horizon,
all of which
should be very concerning.
Between the attempted assassination
of a central European leader,
and the rise
of a far-right party in Germany,
Europe really seems to be playing
the 20th century hits right now,
even if at least one
of their former history teachers
refuses to see the similarity.
And now, this!
And now…
Please Enjoy Some Better Names
for the Dogs
From This Year's
Westminster Dog Show.
Quinceanera.
Chef.
Ravioli.
Shopping.
Jason Statham.
Jason Statham.
Football.
Baseball.
Operation Condor
Was A U.S.-Backed Campaign
Of Murder And Political Repression
That Took Place In South America
From 1975 to 1983.
Eric.
Lady Business.
Weasel.
The Reincarnation
Of King Charles III
And Cher.