M*A*S*H (MASH) s11e12 Episode Script

Sorry, folks, but we're having a surprise medical convention in the compound, on the double.
Shoulder wound.
Hang a pint, Goldilocks.
- Is that all? It's freezing.
- Hunnicutt, over here.
Get him prepped.
And stay away from my porridge.
Pretty bad fracture.
I'm giving you something for the pain.
- I just took a little shrapnel.
That's all.
I'll be okay.
- Uh-huh.
Get him into pre-op and keep that leg immobilized.
Eiffel didn't use that much metal in his tower.
Hey, Maloney, you okay? I'll be fine, Lieutenant.
How about you? Doc says I skinned my knee.
It's no big deal.
- How you feeling, son? - No problem with me, Doc.
Just make sure they take extra good care of Lieutenant Collins.
- He saved our butts.
- And then he said, from out of nowhere Collins dashes right through that Commie machine gunner's line of sight.
Sponge.
And pitches two grenades that would've made him the envy of Dizzy Dean.
A shame he couldn't get back in time to beat that mortar.
He's lucky it's just his leg I'm putting back together.
Lucky or not, that boy's a certified hero.
- More gauze here.
- Here's your gauze, Doctor.
Is there anything else you need? Whew! Well, certainly not anesthetic.
One whiff of your hair could put anybody out.
There is absolutely nothing different about my hair.
Now, Margaret, I didn't wanna stick my nose into this, so to speak.
Retraction.
But I got to admit the aroma in here has brought me back to those dreaded summer days when Mildred would put up turnips.
Okay, okay, so big deal.
I gave myself a home permanent.
I'm going to a lecture the day after tomorrow in Seoul and I simply wanted to be a proper representative of this unit.
- Oh, yeah.
Is that the Chesler talk? - Yes.
Chesler.
Isn't he the guy who did all that work in, uh - Emergency! - Emergency care, yeah.
Yes.
He's the one who wrote the article that gave me the idea to expand the nurses' duties in triage.
- He's absolutely brilliant! - Brilliant? Forceps.
That quack is a journeyman physician at best.
- It's his press agent who's brilliant.
- Dr.
Windbag is jealous.
Dr.
Chesler is known all over the world and you're just another name in the Boston yellow pages.
Whoo, whoo! Good morning, Major Monroe.
Hello, madame.
It will my great privilege to serve you breakfast.
We just got in a fresh shipment of Wheaties.
How about a heaping bowlful? Well Well Major, I feel the same way about the food here, but this is all we got.
Whoa.
Idiot.
I can't Um, I need a doctor.
Good morning, Major.
If you don't mind my saying so, hubba-hubba.
Charles.
Well, Margaret.
- Can't you just say good morning as civilized people do? It is not my idea of breakfast fun to play charades.
Uh, Doctor, I believe you're being paged.
May I at least finish my Wheaties? Ah.
Margaret, what is wrong? Ten-hut! - As you were.
- Pierce, front and center.
In case you hadn't noticed, this man is a general.
Major General Addison Collins, this is, uh, Captain I'm here to see Lieutenant Collins.
How is he? Well, he's got a badly fractured leg.
But the last time I checked, he was doing okay.
- I'm damn glad to hear that.
- Collins and Collins? - Is that a coincidence or does the theory of relativity apply? - He's my son.
Oh.
Well, nobody ever mentioned he had fathers in high places, including him.
Only his C.
O.
Knows.
That's the way the lad wants it.
Uh, look, I don't have time for chitchat.
- I have a major offensive to take care of.
Can I see him now? - Sure.
Colonel, if I need anything further, I'll let you know.
- Uh, fine, General.
- Warm guy.
It was all I could do to keep from hugging him to pieces.
Curtis? Dad.
What are you doin' here? I just wanted to see if you were behaving yourself.
- How are you, sir? - I'm fine.
You're the one with the leg pointing north.
It's just broken.
You didn't have to come here.
All they told me was that you were wounded.
And I'm, uh, grateful that it's minor.
- You having trouble breathing? - No.
It's just all this medication they stuck in me.
I, uh, hear you saved a few necks.
I- I just did what I had to do what anybody would've done.
- Anybody? - What you would've done, sir.
How are things at "I" Corps? Well, that Kumsong bulge is a real son of a buck.
But we're gonna hit 'em so hard they'll wish they'd never been born.
Sorry to interrupt this discussion of Asian birth control but, uh, his dressing has to be changed.
- I think he's had enough excitement for now.
- All right, Doctor.
Uh, I'm gonna get some food, check in with Headquarters.
- Get all the rest you can, Son.
- Sure, Dad.
Well, it would appear last night's unfortunate meeting between your wet head and the chill air - has resulted in a rather nasty case of laryngitis.
- No.
- The lecture.
- Lecture? Oh, that silly talk in Seoul by this quack you've been drooling over.
Must go there.
So go.
Last I knew, the only thing you needed for a lecture were ears.
- Yours look fine to me.
- No, no.
I - You? - Meeting Dr.
Chesler after, personally.
Really? I thought this was merely a medical sabbatical.
Is.
I've admired the doctor for years.
Heard he was coming here.
I wrote him.
Fan mail to a physician.
That's cute.
Never expected a reply.
He wrote saying how impressed he is with my ideas of triage.
He wants to meet me.
- Me.
- Well, well, well.
It would appear that your current affliction wouldn't make any difference.
Your starry-eyed admiration for the good doctor would have left you speechless anyway.
Winchester, voice gone, fists fine.
I need voice, two days.
You have a fair chance.
Margaret, you know what do as well as I do.
Every peep you utter is going to inflame your vocal fold.
How am I supposed to work if I can't talk? Shut mouth.
Use pencil.
- General.
- Pierce.
How soon before I can see my son again? I've already spent more time away from Headquarters than I can spare.
Sorry I had to interrupt your visit before.
I was concerned about that difficulty he was having breathing.
- It was a new development, and I wanted to check it out.
- I see.
- What is it? - Most likely some postoperative pneumonia.
It's not uncommon.
We should be able to knock it out with antibiotics.
You said most likely pneumonia.
What else could it be? There's a slim chance it could be the sign of a fat embolism.
That could be more serious.
How much more? Is he, uh uh, out of the woods yet? No, I can't say for sure but I think the odds are he'll be fine.
If the odds are one in a hundred, it means I'll have to stay right here.
Well, General, I don't think that's necessary.
Will you show me where your damn phones are? Now! - Sir.
- Sterne.
Colonel Broder's been put on alert at Headquarters, sir.
I have the latest position reports and troop counts from Kumsong here.
And all other updated reconnaissance is laid out inside, sir.
- Good, Sterne.
Sergeant, is that phone network set up? - Almost, sir.
Almost? Well, get on it! - Yes, sir.
- Potter, where in the hell do you get these people? General, you don't have to go to all this bother.
The V.
I.
P.
Tent is at your disposal.
- If there's anything you need - No, no, my trailer has everything I need.
I want the V.
I.
P.
Tent for my aide, immediately.
- And find a bunk for my driver.
- Yes, General.
And a thimble for the general's charm.
How come he didn't ask the colonel to simonize his trailer? Attention, Major Houlihan.
You have a telephone call from a Dr.
Steven Chesler in Seoul.
Please hurry.
I can't tie up the phone long.
What a pleasant surprise.
It's Harpo.
Love your outfit.
Sss-sss.
Sometimes a grenade in his jammies does the trick.
What do you want with me now? Dr.
Chesler.
Well, this is indeed a phone call.
I am Dr.
Charles Emerson Winchester.
Perhaps you are familiar with my work.
Oh.
Well, I'm in the Boston yellow pages.
I'm speaking on behalf of Major Houlihan who's here with me but who is unfortunately suffering from a rather severe case of laryngitis.
However, she wanted me, uh, to tell you - uh, "how much she's looking 'food-ward"' - No.
Uh, "forward to your lecture.
" Uh, she's "always felt that you are the" uh "greatest surgeon in the wood.
" "World," sorry.
"In the world.
" Don't thank me.
Believe me, those are her words.
Oh, yes? Yes, I'll tell her.
Just- Just- Just a moment.
Dr.
Chesler has had to change his plans suddenly.
He must return to the States immediately, and he's been forced to cancel his lecture.
- Oh! - However, if you can be in Seoul by 11:00 tomorrow morning he'll be honored to have a meeting with you at the hospital.
- Oh! - She said that'd be fine.
Right, she'll see you then.
Uh-huh.
Oh, thank you.
What's the point? He's expecting a nurse, not a frog.
I know that route isn't secure but it's a chance we're going to have to take.
I don't give a damn about the mud! Hold on a minute.
How is he? He seems stable.
No change.
- What about the pneumonia? - It's too soon to expect any improvement.
- Stay on top of it.
- Mmm.
Well, that's too damn bad! I want it secure all the way to phase line Juliet.
These communications are highly restricted, Pierce.
Is there anything else? I've got lots of work to do.
Wonderful.
That means I'll have lots of work to do.
Morning, ma'am.
Say, the chow here is pretty good.
Could I get seconds on orange juice? Ah! Orange juice.
Ah.
Feeling any better, Margaret? Well, let's have a look at you.
You know, your mother's gonna ask me if you've been eating enough.
Uh, maybe you'd better put away a little more.
Is that an order, sir? That'll be 10 days in the stockade for you if that egg isn't over the hill soon.
Thanks for the wagon, Jimmy.
What's that? - What? - Are you okay? Yeah, sure.
I'm still kind of sleepy.
That's all.
It's hard to get comfortable in this rig.
Sir, I really appreciate you taking time out for these visits.
I know how much work you gotta do.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
You just get well.
I'm sorry, Margaret.
I don't see much improvement.
However, if it matters that much to you, go.
It's not gonna kill you.
I mean, the worst that could happen is that your recovery is delayed by two or three days.
Please send telegram.
Well, why not? I'm often mistaken for a little Western Union boy.
"Dr.
Chesler, must cancel.
Very sorry.
Perhaps another time.
" Another time? The man's leaving for the States tomorrow.
Not fair to patients or staff.
Can't work like this.
Another three days I can't go.
I must say I admire your dedication.
I'll send this off immediately if that's what you really want.
Yeah? Telegram for Dr.
Chesler.
Telegram for Dr.
Chesler.
Coming.
Coming.
Margaret, I don't believe you've met Dr.
Chesler.
- Oh.
- This is indeed a pleasure.
Oh.
- I believe that Major Houlihan is inviting you to come in.
- Yeah.
Well, get acquainted, you two.
- Oh, ah ah - Now, please don't strain your voice.
Ah.
Why are you here? Well, under the circumstances, I could hardly refuse your invitation.
I invited you? Well, I realize that Dr.
Winchester's voice was on the telephone this morning but you were standing next to him telling him all those nice things to say.
Yes.
Yes, that was me.
Yes.
You know, I don't know whether it's your dedication to your job or all those lovely things you said about me but I wanted to meet you before I left.
I'm speechless.
Good news, Private.
Your temperature's back to normal.
Get Dr.
Pierce! Now, look, Broder.
Hickman's been stalling with that ammunition too damn long, and I'm just about to How is he? I'll call you back.
Well? I'm sorry.
He didn't make it.
What do you mean he didn't make it? He was fine this morning, you son of a bitch! It came on suddenly.
A fat embolism somehow got into his bloodstream.
It happens sometimes with fractures like that.
He was gone in minutes.
There was nothing anybody could do.
- You have any children? - No.
I'm not married.
Curt was about seven.
We moved to Virginia.
We had a big elm tree in the yard big one.
Curt was always very small for his age but from the very first day he tried to climb it.
Some days he'd fall.
Other times he'd he'd get all skinned up, but he kept tryin'.
And then one day, uh he was about nine he finally made it.
I don't know who was prouder him or me.
That night he came to me and he said, uh "Dad, can we move away from here?" Well, I asked him, "Why?" Know what he said? He said "So we can get a house with a bigger tree.
" I barely knew your son.
You kneel over a kid for a few seconds in the compound, and, uh if there's time, you read a dog tag and call him by name.
But there are too many to really remember.
But sometimes the special ones stick out.
Curt was in a lot of pain but the only thing that concerned him was his men.
They thought he was pretty special too.
Thanks.
I guess the only thing you didn't like about him was his father.
No, let's-let's just say that we we see things differently.
You may find this hard to believe, Pierce but I never pushed Curt to make a career of the army.
It's a tough, tough life.
But he wanted to be like his old man.
And I guess when a boy sees the uniform with all its brass and ribbons he doesn't see the dirt and blood that line it.
And I'm sure he felt the way to make me proud was to do as I did, only better.
And that's what got him killed.
You don't know that.
If Curt hadn't volunteered, he would've been drafted.
Thousands of kids die here and it doesn't have anything to do with who they are or whether they wanted to be here.
In this room they're pins.
When they die out there you can't feel the pain in here.
When enough of them die you just remove a pin.
So many wars, campaigns, battles.
Not enough time to give names to the dead.
They just die by the numbers.
I always knew that somewhere for every number there was somebody to cry.
But I never heard the crying in this room.
They were always other men's sons.
Will you drink with me, Pierce? Of course.
To every man's son.
Would you ask my aide to come in here, please? Yeah, sure.
This is Collins again.
Get me "I" Corps back, right away.
Broder, make damn sure that ammunition gets there by 0800.
I know the west flank's exposed.
I don't have any choice! Hello, Margaret.
How did it go with you and the quack? Oh.
He I We