M*A*S*H (MASH) s11e13 Episode Script

Ahh! Charles.
Charles! Hunnicutt, please.
I'm listening to music.
- So is all of Korea.
- If you don't like it you are not only free to leave, you are encouraged to do so.
Believe me, Charles, if it weren't for this ingrown toenail I'd be out of here at the speed of sound.
- Now turn that garbage down! - Garbage? That garbage happens to be by Gustav Mahler one of the greatest composers ever.
Sounds more like he's decomposing.
- Mail call! - Please come in! For you, Major.
Careful, it says "fragile" on it.
- Ah, my records! - What records? - More Mahler.
- Ooh, I love Fats Mahler! No, no.
This is his brother, Gustav.
This is his masterpiece, "Kindertotenlieder.
" Nah, that's not one of Fats's tunes, unless that title - is German for "Your Feets Too Big.
" - No.
- It's German for "Songs on the Death of Children.
" - Charles - you're not gonna play that now, are you? - Of course not.
This one's not over yet.
- There it is! - Oh! Oh! Oh! - Oh, it's the record player I ordered! - Ahh! Finally! Oh, Klinger! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Where are the records? I ordered records with this.
Do you like Fats Mahler singing about a kindergarten teacher? I don't believe this.
It says they're being sent separately in four to six weeks.
What good is a record player without any records? I'm telling you something If it's records you need Major Winchester just got some stacks of wax.
Attention, all personnel.
Wounded in the compound.
You are hereby called to arms broken, shattered and missing.
Well, here we go.
What's a kid from "I" Corps doing at the front? The only wounds they're supposed to get are paper cuts.
- Prep him fast.
- Better take this one P.
D.
Q.
, Margaret.
- Corpsman, over here! - Hey, how's a fella get any service around here? Well, I'll be snookered.
Woody Cooke, you old buzzard.
Sherman.
You know I've been planning to pay you a surprise visit.
- But this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
- What happened? I tried to catch a piece of shrapnel in my leg.
It didn't work.
Don't worry.
I'll get my best leg man on it right away.
I believe you have the Epsom salts and water, straight up.
Just what the doctor ordered, Father.
Thanks.
Corpsman.
Well, I hope it helps.
Though I must admit these aren't the types of soles I'm used to dealing with.
Hunnicutt, how is he? He's just fine, Colonel.
Believe me.
His leg's in a lot better shape than my foot.
Hard to figure.
Woody's such a tough old coot I always thought a bullet would take one look at him and hightail it in the other direction.
- How long have you known him, Colonel? - We go back to W.
W.
I.
Just a couple of raw kids when we met.
He turned out to be one of the best friends I ever had.
He also turned out to be lucky, which is more than I can say for his driver here.
- How's he doin'? - Hard to tell.
Next few hours may be rough.
Why were they so close to the fireworks anyway? The last time I heard from Woody he was grousing about being stuck behind a desk at "I" Corps.
I'm happy to report the joint is empty! Good.
I'm finished here.
If you fellas can get along without me I wanna be with Woody when he wakes up.
I got some 3-0 silk for you, Dr.
Winchester.
I noticed you were running low.
I shall always cherish this moment.
Well, Charles, what are friends for? Friends? If pressed, I would say that you and I coexist.
Now can we skip ahead to the inevitable small favor that you are going to ask? Well, now that you mention it, I got this new record player and I don't have anything to play on it.
I do.
And you still don't.
Here we go.
I saved the bullet for you, Zurilli.
You ought to make a charm bracelet.
You lead a charmed life.
- How about my men? - Nothin' serious.
You're all pretty lucky.
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
- Hey, Doc, who's your C.
O.
Around here? - Colonel Potter.
He's right over there.
You want him? No, never mind.
It'll keep.
Wouldn't it figure? Thirty-four years in combat without even a skinned knee and two months after they stick me with that lousy "I" Corps desk job, I'm a casualty.
So what were you doing out from behind that desk? I'm in charge of petroleum and oil and lubricants.
I had to go up and straighten out a fuel supply snafu.
That's a pretty hot area.
Why didn't you send somebody else? Sherman, you know how this man's army is.
If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.
Congratulations, Corporal.
I can officially pronounce you a lifetime member of life.
I was really scared up there.
When the shooting started, all I wanted to do was to get our jeep and get the hell out of there.
Colonel Cooke wouldn't let me.
What do you mean, he ordered you to stay there? Well, not exactly.
Uh, before I had a chance to argue, we got hit.
Next thing I remember is waking up here.
Major should I keep Private Radatz on penicillin? Well, he happens to be a patient of Dr.
Winchester's.
You can ask him, but I'd be surprised if he were willing to even share an opinion.
Ooh! Ooh! - Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry! Is that your bad toe? - Mm-hmm.
- Are you in terrible pain? - No, no, Margaret.
I'm brushing up on an old Mill Valley rain dance.
Congratulations.
You've just been awarded the Purple Toe.
From now on I'll look both ways before crossing post-op.
That's how they won all those wars.
They kept singing till the enemy gave up.
It'd be fine if the colonel's playmate would just stick to singing.
What do you mean? I had a talk with Cooke's driver.
I got the impression that when the fighting broke out Cooke ordered him to stay where he was instead of running for cover.
Is that a fact? One of my patients told me Cooke wandered into the area and started giving orders to their sergeant.
I'm gonna take a little tour of the rumor mill.
I'll go with ya.
Shouldn't you keep that toe off its feet for the next couple of days? Yeah.
It's not my feet I'm worried about.
It's my ears.
I'm gonna be stuck here for two days with Winchester and his dead children's glee club.
Well, if it'll make you feel any better, wrap that bandage around your ears.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Hunnicutt, have you been listening to my records? You've got to be kidding! Obviously you left that on when we went to the O.
R.
Oh, good heavens, this must have been running for over half a day.
I hope there's no damage.
My prayers are with you.
Gee, that sounds even better to me.
This needle is completely worn down.
My last one! Take me weeks to get another one.
I can't begin to tell you how I feel about that.
Come in.
- Am I disturbing you? - Oh, evening, Pierce.
No, I was just tryin' to track down something for Woody a photo of the two of us at our old division's costume party.
We went as Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.
Oh, here it is.
See? I was Roy.
Woody had better legs.
- Uh-huh.
- Yes, sir.
Those were the days.
Maybe Woody's not ready to put those days in his scrapbook.
What are you getting at? I had a talk with Woody's driver and he told me that he wanted to get out of that area when the fighting started, but Woody ordered him to stay.
Then another kid told B.
J.
Woody wandered in and ordered the company to defend a ridge.
That's how they all got wounded.
Tried to ask their platoon leader about it, but he wouldn't talk at all.
It seems that Woody caused a lot of trouble for a lot of people - in an area where he shouldn't have been in the first place.
- Is that so? I know how hard this must be for you to hear What do you know about anything? All you've got is three flimsy stories based on a lot of hearsay.
Woody Cooke is a damn good soldier and I'm sure he had a damn good reason for what he did! And it ain't to be judged by a bunch of wet-behind-the-ears brats with chips on their shoulders.
And that goes for you too.
- I'm just trying to - That'll be all, Captain.
- Would you at least let me - I said good night, Pierce.
If I don't find a way to hear some music soon I'm gonna lose what is left of my mind.
Why don't you ask Margaret to let you play your records on her new record player? I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat.
Maybe you could go over to the "O" Club, play 'em on the jukebox.
Nobody there this early.
That is tantamount to asking Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of Woolworth's.
You know, maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
I'm stuck here in the Swamp.
You're stuck without your music.
This is a perfect opportunity for us to get to know each other.
So tell me, Chuck, where'd you go to high school? Mahler on a jukebox.
Hmm.
Koussevitzky will impale himself on his baton.
Hey, Goldman.
Psst! Come here a minute, will ya? - Can you do me a favor? - Sure, Doc.
What? Take this.
Throw yourself a little party in the "O" Club.
- Invite all your friends.
- What's the catch? Hey, no catch.
It's just a normal, generous offer from a fellow human being.
But, uh, if the subject comes up, you don't know where you got the money.
Hey, gang, drinks on me! Hey, Doc, what are you doin'? Taking out the trash.
Major, I know what kind of music you listen to.
All that weird stuff by guys playin' the "philharmonica.
" Private, why don't you toddle back behind the bar and crush some ice with your head? What a terrific idea, Roy.
A party in the middle of the day! Igor, let's have beers for everyone! I'm buying! Hey, how 'bout some music? Who put that junk on? Turn off that longhair barf! Wait, wait.
Now wait, wait.
If you'll just listen to this music for a moment - I'm sure it will grow on you.
- Ah, man.
Ooh, God! How about listenin' to this? Sherman? Sherman? Oh.
Sorry.
You said I'd be out of here in a couple of days.
You planning on making a move before I go? You know, Woody, there's still something I don't quite understand.
- What's that? - When the fighting broke out, how come you hung around? If it was me, I'd have skedaddled back to "I" Corps where it was safe.
Sherman, it was a damn good thing I was there.
That unit had a whole ridge wide open.
Their officers were out gallivantin' who knows where.
I couldn't leave those kids without any leadership.
You could have gotten a lot of people killed, including yourself.
I had no choice.
But to tell you the truth, Sherman I was doing fine just like old times again.
You know, we can still show those young bucks a trick or two, huh? Psst, psst, psst, psst! Margaret! Is Major Scrooge there? No.
No, he's not.
As a matter of fact, that's what I want to talk to you about.
I don't even want to talk about that slimy, selfish, insensitive gutter worm! - What is it? - I just thought I should warn you that wormy's planning to ask if he can borrow your new record player.
- What? - I thought you'd want to know.
I don't I don't believe the nerve of that guy.
After the way he talked to me in O.
R.
, I wouldn't loan him a cup of air.
I don't blame you.
You should have heard what he said about you after O.
R.
Oh? And exactly what was that? Well, when he found out his record player was broken, he said, "No problem.
" He'd just con you out of yours.
- Oh.
- I believe his exact words were "All it'll take is a few shiny beads and some shallow flattery.
" He said that? He brings me one shiny bead and I'll flatter him with a steamroller.
- Thanks for the warning.
- Hey, what are friends for? Lieutenant, can I see the chart on Sergeant Zurilli? - Sure, Colonel.
- Oh, that's okay, Colonel.
I just checked him out.
He had a low-grade fever I don't want to hear it from you, Pierce.
I want to see for myself.
Charles, it's simple.
Just go over there and knock on the door.
Say, "Margaret, you look ravishing tonight.
I brought some records for us to listen to.
I know you're going to love them.
" Hunnicutt, no matter how desperate, a Winchester does not grovel.
Don't think of it as groveling.
Think of it as manipulating.
That we do.
But don't you think she's going to be suspicious? I mean, after all, I was a trifle abrupt with her earlier.
Well, don't go over there empty-handed.
Bring along some insurance.
Hunnicutt, what a good idea! How'd you do that? Last time I was in Tokyo I picked up some tacky little gifts for our cook back home.
Here we are.
See? See? See? Oh, those are great.
Margaret'll love them.
Really? You think so? I mean, granted, the woman is no Rhodes scholar but do you really think she'll fall for - That? - Oh, sure.
I mean, she's a real sucker for, you know, shiny beads and shallow flattery.
The antibiotics should take care of your fever, Zurilli.
- Are you having any pain? - No, sir.
Headaches? No, sir.
Sergeant, they tell me you were in charge when your unit was attacked.
Yeah.
They told me that too, sir.
Oh? Did something happen you want to talk about? No, sir.
Look, Zurilli, this is very important for the good of everybody involved.
I don't know what you're talking about, sir.
Son, if there were casualties that could have been avoided you owe it to your men to bring it to light.
Okay.
My C.
O.
Ordered us to keep clear of that ridge the one where we got hit.
Next thing I know, Colonel Cooke shows up, tells us to defend it.
I tried to explain what was going on but he gave me a direct order.
We never would have ended up here if he hadn't taken over.
How come this hasn't been reported to "I" Corps? What's the use? Even if we had, it'd just get whitewashed along the way by somebody who's a friend of Colonel Cooke's.
Then why didn't you report it to somebody here? For the same reason, sir.
Oh, what an unusual gift! I just love it.
Really? Well, Margaret, the moment I saw it, I said, that's you.
Oh.
Perfume! Charles, it's Oh, it's just so scented.
You sure do get your money's worth.
And if I use too much, I can simply fan away the excess.
I do hope these gestures of goodwill will make up for any offhand remark I may have made in the O.
R.
Oh, Charles, really.
You know I'm not one to hold a grudge.
Of course not.
You're far too gracious for such pettiness.
In honor of our renewed friendship I've brought along a little something to play on your phonograph.
- I'm sure that you're going to love it.
- How sweet! Oh, Charles, I think there is just one thing I should tell you.
- Yeah? - You lay one finger on that record player and I'll tie your arms and legs in a bowknot and stuff you in my footlocker! - Beg pardon? - Shut up! Do you really think I'm stupid enough to fall for this garbage? Sickening perfume and a cheesy fan? I didn't think the fan was all that bad.
Take your goodwill gestures and ship them back to Goodwill! - But Marg - How dare you think you can con me with shiny beads and shallow flattery? "Shiny beads and shallow flattery"? Evenin', Colonel.
What can I get you, the usual? Yeah.
You know how it is with us old folks.
Get our heads set on something and there's no changing our minds.
I'm sorry I barked at you like I did.
Forget it.
You know, when a man has lived as many years as I have and has spent most of them hoppin' around the world he doesn't have a lot of close friends his own age especially friends that go back as far as Woody and me.
A lot of them have died or just drifted off.
I really cherish the friends I got left maybe so much that I've developed a blind spot.
Well, if Woody's really a friend, isn't it more important that you may be saving his life? It may be more important but it sure ain't easy.
All right.
That's it! That ungrateful bubble-brain bimbo! - Charles? - What? What is it? Is something wrong? Well, when you conceived of your master plan, Hunnicutt you did not include the fact that the woman is a raving maniac! Really? Well, gee, I'm sorry that didn't work out.
But, you know, I'm sure that if we put our heads together we can come up with another plan.
- Charles? - What do you want? I've come to apologize.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I behaved like a raving maniac.
Well, I wouldn't say that.
The least I can do is share my phonograph with you.
How nice of you.
Margaret! Isn't that nice of her, Hunnicutt? Oh, oh, oh, look.
I wouldn't want to impose on you two.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable listening to your music in Margaret's tent.
And leave you in your condition? B.
J.
, the least we can do is keep you company.
Yeah.
We wouldn't dream of leaving.
Now, what would you like to hear, Margaret? Oh, I don't know, Charles.
Whatever you like.
Anything you like is fine with me.
- What about one of those death things? - What a good idea.
Matter of fact, I have a particular favorite.
It's called "Kindertotenlieder.
" - Hmm.
- I think you're going to enjoy this thoroughly.
I know I shall.
Um Isn't that nice? We can just all sit here and listen to this lovely music and get to know each other better.
So, where did you go to high school? Hey, bartender, what's takin' so long with the drinks? Comin' right up.
I think you're stalling.
Can't face another humiliation at checkers, huh? To tell you the truth, Woody, I don't feel much like playin' tonight.
Yeah.
I guess it isn't so much fun when you lose all the time.
I was thinkin' maybe we should spend a little of that time talkin'.
Good.
I'm gonna ship out tomorrow.
Well, who knows when we'll be able to get another chance to just sit and chat again.
Here's to you, Sherman, for being such a good friend through three wars and everything in between.
You know, Woody you and I have a lot in common.
Yeah.
I always thought so too.
Here we sit, two old warhorses almost at the end of the trail.
From here on out if we don't stay on our toes, it could cost somebody a life.
What are you getting at, Sherman? I'm talkin' about what happened at the ridge, Woody.
Well, what about it? You stepped in where you didn't belong and some innocent people had to pay for it.
I did what I had to do, and I'd do it again.
That's why I belong there.
Those green kids didn't know what was goin' on.
They knew, Woody.
You didn't.
And that's what I'm gonna have to say in my report.
Report? Sherman, you can't be serious.
I'm afraid I am, Woody.
Maybe I did overstep my bounds a little.
But can't you just let it slide? There's a kid in post-op who's sure I'm gonna let it slide because I'm your buddy.
And there are two others who got injured because of you.
You don't understand, Sherman.
With a report like that, there's no chance I'll ever get into action again.
That's exactly why I've gotta do it.
When the chips are down who can you count on, Sherman if you can't count on your old friends? Woody, this has nothing to do with friendship.
You bet it doesn't.
Not anymore.
Woody, don't you think we've been through too much to let it end like this? I didn't end it.
You did! - Evening, Colonel.
- Pierce.
- You look like - A man who just lost his best friend.
- Sorry.
- So am I.
- Makes me appreciate the friends I got left all the more.
Buy you a drink? Nope.
You can buy me two.