The Simpsons s11e13 Episode Script

[ Chorus .]
# The Simpsons # [ Bell Ringing .]
[ Whistle Blowing .]
[ Beeping .]
[Jazzy Solo .]
[ Beeping .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
[ Karate Yells .]
Whoo! ##[''Stars and Stripes Forever''.]
Those stars and stripes Those crazy stripes Let's end together Yea! [ Sighs .]
You'll have to do a lot better than that.
Especially since we've just been accepted in the school band competition at the county fair! I'm sorry.
I mean the state fair.
[ Cheering .]
I hate to be a killjoy.
but do you really think we can win playing ''Stars and Stripes Forever''? It's so Beginner Band.
And we're Advanced Beginner Band.
- This is Band? - Very well.
Lisa.
What rousing Sousa march would you have us play? Well.
I thought maybe for once we could play a song that wasn't written by Sousa.
You mean something just arranged by Sousa? - No.
something fresh and bold.
- Well.
darling.
you have lost me.
How about something cool.
like ''Camptown Races''? Hey.
Grandpa.
the Civil War's over.
How about ''Little Brown Jug''? Ya.
ha.
ha Hee.
hee.
hee Little brown jug how I love thee Oh! Stop with your devil music.
Lisa.
this is all your fault.
Hey.
the blonde broad's got a point.
- We need something with a little ring-a-ding-ding.
- Take your arm off me.
Ooh.
this kitten's got claws.
Okay.
We'll do a different song.
Who cares? They all end up sounding the same anyway.
What a fruit fly.
[ Tires Squealing .]
- Vietnam veteran.
- Do you have a military I.
D.
? I.
D.
? Man.
Charlie didn't ask for I.
D when I fought at La Choy and Chun King.
I saw my best friend's head explode at Margaret Cho.
Homer.
give him the 50 cents.
Why should I? Did my country give me a parade? No.
man.
They spat at me and- -Just go.
- Thank you.
This closes the saddest chapter in American history.
##[ Carnival .]
I can't wait to do some shopping.
Look at all these innovative products.
Miracle Shears! [ Gasps .]
The Drain Bugger! Ah! Folks.
how often have you opened your morning paper only to have the rubber band fly off and hit you right in the eye? Never.
But it's my number-one concern.
Well.
with the OmniGog system.
those worries are a thing of the past.
- [ Grunts .]
- [ All Gasp .]
I'm all right.
folks.
thanks to my OmniGogs.
- [ Cheering .]
- A little late for Lenny.
##[ Rock .]
Who are those pleasant old men? It's B.
T.
O.
They're Canada's answer to E.
L.
P.
Their big hit was ''T.
C.
B.
'' That's how we talked in the '7 0s.
We didn't have a moment to spare.
- Hello.
Springfield! - [ Crowd Cheering .]
- We're going to play all your old favorites! - [ Cheering Continues .]
But first we'd like to dip into our new CD- - ''Takin' Care of Business''! - Don't worry.
sir.
We'll get to that one.
No talkin'! No new crap! ''Takin' Care of Business'' now! You get up every mornin' from your alarm clock's warnin' Take the 8:1 5 into the city Get to the ''workin' overtime'' part! - Unbelievable.
- Dumb-ass.
- #Workin' overtime # - #Work out # ##[ Guitar Solo .]
B-B-Baby you ain't seen nothin' yet - Whoo! - ## [ Ends .]
- I ain't seen nothin' yet! - We just did! Whatever! Be sure to stick around for the Battle of the Elementary School Bands.
- Oh! - Homer! Lisa's in that.
I stand by my disappointed groan.
[ ''Living in America'' .]
[ Slurping .]
[Jazzy Solo .]
Check out Lisa.
She's a sax machine.
Makes me think I should have done something with my life.
Oh.
well.
[ Slurps .]
- ## [ Ends .]
- [ Applause .]
Beautiful.
Just beautiful.
This is what ''comptrolling'' is all about.
- Oh.
yeah.
Better.
- Oh.
yes.
Anybody got a building permit? 'Cause we nailed it.
Way to blow.
Lise.
That is the best version of''Living in America'' I've ever heard.
Third best for me.
Well.
unless there's another band.
I think we have a winner.
Oh.
wait.
There is another band.
From Ogdenville.
Uh.
please welcome the Ogdenville Band.
- [ Applause.]
- ## [ ''Stars and Stripes Forever'' .]
[ Scoffs .]
''Stars and Stripes Forever.
'' Oh.
man.
they're toast.
[ Continues .]
- ## [ Ends .]
- [ Applause.]
[ Lisa Gasps .]
Glow sticks? But visual aids are against the rules.
Whoo! Baby! Well.
it's not going to be easy to pick a winner.
Ogdenville! Ogdenville! - Ogdenville! - But I think one school red.
white and blew us all away! - [ Gasps .]
Oh.
- [ Exclaims .]
And the winner is - Ogdenville! - [ Exclaims .]
I hope you enjoy your plaque, cheater! Well.
I was going to give you the Good Sportsmanship Award but now I'm just going to be sick.
I can't believe those idiot judges were impressed by glowing plastic tubes! Look, Lisa! It glows! Whoo! Let's forget about the band contest and just have fun at the state fair.
You mean state unfair.
Yeah.
right.
That's what I meant.
Lisa.
- State unfair.
- Zing! See.
Marge? I told you they could deep-fry my shirt.
I didn't say they couldn't.
I said you shouldn't.
Step right up and see Duncan - the Incredible Diving Horse! - [ Wind Whistling .]
I wish people would stop telling me to ''step right up.
'' - [ Whirring .]
- [ Shrieks .]
- Looks like he's ready to dive.
folks! - [ Whimpering.
Gasping .]
[ Shrieks .]
- [ Shrieking Continues .]
- [ Cheering .]
Another incredible performance by this water-loving wonder horse! - [ Shrieking Continues .]
- [ Cheering Continues .]
What's that.
Duncan? You say you want to dive again? Well- [ Whinnies .]
Now.
this is clearly a case of animal cruelty.
Uh.
do you have a permit for that? No problem.
sir.
It's in my car.
[ Tires Screech .]
You gotta stop being so trusting.
Chief.
I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.
All right.
show's over.
folks.
I'm afraid this horse is going to the dog food factory.
Good luck getting a horse to eat dog food.
You can't do that to Duncan.
It's not his fault that his owner was a sleaze.
Look.
I just want the horse to have a good home or be food.
If you want to take him.
fine with me.
Hmm.
Should the Simpsons get a horse? Excuse me.
but I believe this family already had a horse and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart with hilarious consequences.
Anybody care what this guy thinks? - [ All .]
No! - Mmm.
- Tunnel! - [ Whinnies .]
[ Horn Honks .]
[ Duncan Whinnies .]
Oh.
my.
Oh- It's going to cost us $500 a week to keep Duncan.
But he'll bring us joy.
Marge- unlike all your silly goo-gahs.
At least you don't have to feed any of the stuff I bought at the fair.
Well.
except the mop.
[ Slurping.
Crunching .]
Marge.
your pro-mop/anti-horse agenda has been clear for some time.
But don't worry.
I have a way for Duncan to earn his keep.
[ Whinnies .]
Hmm.
That's terrific.
Duncan.
You're 1 0 for 1 0.
Now let's look in the rule book and see if horses can play in the NFL.
D'oh! He's a diving horse.
Maybe he could dive for pearls.
Pearls.
eh? Breakfast is served.
[ Crunching .]
[ Laughing .]
[ Laughing Continues .]
- Hey.
Dad.
- Huh? This horse is pretty fast.
Maybe we can race him.
Racehorse.
eh? [ Laughing Resumes .]
- Dear Mr.
Rresident- - What are you doing.
Lisa? I'm writing a letter to President Clinton about that travesty of a band contest.
As a fellow sax player.
I'm sure he'll be outraged.
Honey.
don't get obsessed with that.
Focus on the good things- like this fire extinguisher I got at the fair.
Mom.
really- Hey.
what are you doing? It's the only fire extinguisher endorsed by both Lynda Carter and George Foreman.
I wonder what would happen if they had a baby.
[ Laughing .]
Dad.
if we're gonna race Duncan.
shouldn't we hire a professional trainer? Son.
I learned everything I needed to know from The Horse Whisperer.
Step one: Seduce a lonely housewife.
Ma'am.
Now for the actual horse whispering.
[ Whispering .]
When the race starts.
run really fast.
Ah.
come on.
come on.
There's gotta be a winner on this floor somewhere.
Uh- Bingo! [ Grunts .]
Hey.
let go.
you lousy.
stinkin'- Wha- You're beau-ti-ful.
- [ Thumping .]
- [ Gasps .]
Uh-oh.
This is a serious medical problem.
I-I gotta go.
Just once I'd like to ride clockwise.
Really? I thought I was the only one.
- [ Air Horn Blares .]
- [ Horses Whinny .]
- Champion horse coming through! - What the- - [ Blares .]
- Good horse.
Here's one taco.
And you'll get another when you win.
Hey.
where do you get those metal dealies for his feet? You mean horseshoes? Hey.
what's with the attitude? I just want some dealies.
You really think that horse can run a mile and a half? He ran all the way here.
[ Call To The Post .]
You can do it.
Duncan.
I don't care if your odds are- Five million to one? Oh! Don't worry.
boy.
I'll love you even if you don't win.
[ Blusters .]
That horse better win or we're taking a trip to the glue factory.
- And he won't get to come.
- Yeah.
that's a great tour.
- But you can't see it all in one day.
- Hey.
be quiet.
- [ Bell Rings .]
- [ Man Announcing On R.
A.
.]
And away they go! - Go.
Duncan! - Go.
number five! Let's go.
number five! It's Chock Full O' Drugs.
followed closely by Stalker.
with Old Levis fading fast.
What's this? Number five.
Duncan the horse no one expected to do anything.
isn't doing anything.
He hasn't even left the starting gate.
Come on.
boy.
I know you're scared.
but you can do this.
I believe in you.
[ Whinnies .]
Would you look at this? The straggler.
Duncan has exploded out of the gate and is making a big move! He's showing more heart than any horse I've ever seen.
What a shame the race is already over.
[ Crowd Cheering .]
Oh.
Cheer up.
Son.
I thought you looked damn good out there.
Oh.
wait.
You were number five? You! You stink! Damn good.
[ Both Laughing .]
Duncan's really fast.
Dad.
He was just intimidated by those other horses.
Well.
he's not gonna be intimidated anymore.
We're gonna toughen him up.
Give him a new bad-ass attitude.
All those other horses will be shaking in their horse dealies.
Hello.
I'd like to speak to President Clinton.
please.
I wrote to him.
and he never wrote back.
No.
I don't want Al Gore.
Lisa.
you've got to learn that life isn't always fair.
Try to channel your disappointment into something creative.
like a sampler.
- [ Nickers .]
- [ Gasps .]
- Is that Duncan? - Not anymore.
Ladies.
say hello to- [ Marge.]
Furious D? He's the bad boy of racing.
He's got attitude and ''baditude'' - [ Whinnies .]
- so show him some latitude.
and you'll win his gratitude.
- Only in America! - Ew! You used my bracelet for a nose ring.
Possessions are fleeting.
Why.
look at that disgraceful beast.
Good Lord.
what has become of the sport of kings? - Get bent.
- [ Both Gasp .]
That's my third monocle this week.
I simply must stop being so horrified.
So many horses- I don't know who to vote for.
Can't I just bet that all the horses will have a fun time? Yeah.
I think you want that line.
Ooh.
he looks scary.
Yeah.
I'm shakin' in my silks.
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - [ Both Laugh .]
Don't listen to 'em.
D.
Just remember: You've got a new persona.
A new persona.
- [ Bell Rings .]
- [ Announcer On R.
A.
.]
And away they go! Okay.
Lisa.
I've got Furious D across the board boxed with the three and the eight and wheeled up and down.
Mom.
I think you might be developing a gambling problem.
Hey.
I'm watching you.
[ Announcer.]
They're tightly bunched as they round the far turn.
Wait a minute.
Hang on to your monocles - 'cause Furious D is closing like a horse possessed.
- [ Grunts .]
- [ Screams .]
- [ Grunts .]
That's it.
D.
Don't let anyone push you around.
Be as bad as you wanna be.
- [ Announcer.]
And the winner-Furious D! - [ Bell Rings .]
[ Shutter Clicking .]
- [ Nickers.
Whinnies .]
- [ Gasps .]
Ah.
man! That horse don't take no guff from nobody.
- Guff? - I mean sh- - Whoo-hoo! In your little faces! - [ Blares .]
- #He's going the distance # - [ Crowd Cheering .]
#He's going for speed # - [ Bell Rings .]
- [ Whinnies .]
- #Because he's racing # #And pacing and plotting the course # - #He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse # - [ Blusters .]
#He's going the distance # - #Ah, ah # - [ Whinnies .]
- #Hyah ## - Man.
I got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the pope combined.
You're quite a trainer.
Mr.
Simpson.
Care to join us for a beer in the jockeys' lounge? I've been waitin' all my life to hear that.
Hey.
where'd you go? Little man? [ Gasps .]
[ Screaming .]
What happened? [ High-pitched Laughter.]
What is this place? [ High-pitched Voice .]
Welcome to the secret land of the jockeys.
[ High-pitched Laughter.]
Why are you talking like that? [ High-pitched Voice .]
These are our real voices.
[ Normal Voice .]
We only talk like this on your surface world.
But you're respected athletes.
You own car dealerships and marry beauty queens.
All a lie.
What woman would marry us? We're freaks.
[ All .]
Freaks.
Freaks.
Freaks.
We are the jockeys Jockeys are we We live underground in a fiberglass tree - Ha! - Ooh! Ha-ha! Between Earth and hell we reign supreme On toadstool thrones by a chocolate stream Your renegade horse is making us frown - What do you want me to do? - #Your horse must lose # My horse must lose? - # No win # - # No show # - # No place # Just lose the stinkin' race - And what if I refuse to lose? - We'll eat your brain.
My horse must lose [ Screams.
Gasps .]
[ Whimpering .]
Did that really happen.
or was it just a wonderful dream? - No dream.
Lose the race.
fat boy.
- [ Shrieks .]
[ Homer.]
Son, don't ask why, but you have to lose the big race.
You want me to lose the Springfield Derby? But you always taught me that winning was everything.
Oh.
it is.
It is.
But we've been pushing that poor horse too hard.
Maybe.
But if Duncan wins the derby.
he can spend the rest of his days as a stud.
Well.
it is a good life.
Believe me.
[ Laughs .]
All right.
We'll give it a shot.
- I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
- Huh? I mean.
I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
[ Announcer.]
Welcome to the Springfield Derby the fifth and penultimate duel of racing's Triple Crown.
- Good luck today.
Bill.
[ Hisses .]
- [ Gasps .]
- [ Bell Rings .]
- [ Announcer.]
And away they go! Furious D takes the early lead.
Ow! Ooh! Oh! - [ Announcer.]
What a shameful display by these tiny hotheads.
- [ Grunting .]
Let's try to remember the good little people likeJames Madison or Oscar winner Linda Hunt.
Could it be? In a bizarre twist, a horse is abusing a jockey.
Might this be the start of a terrifying planet of the horses? In this announcer's opinion.
almost certainly yes.
And away I go.
- [ Door Slams .]
- [ Tires Squeal .]
[ Crowd Cheering .]
Go.
Son! Do it for the normals! - [ Bell Rings .]
- [ Cheering .]
I can't stress enough how easy it was to win this prestigious race.
And furthermore- Hollywood is leading our kids down a moral sewer.
Gotta go! - [ Gasps .]
- [ Screaming .]
[ High-pitched Shouting .]
- You must die! - [ Shouting Continues .]
- Hey.
need any help.
Homer? - Nah.
we're cool.
Marge! Now! [ All Grunting .]
Son.
go get me a trash bag.
Hey! Let me out ofhere! - Let me out, please! - We'll give you gold.
Now that you're a champion.
you have your pick of the fillies.
[ Shudders .]
- [ Whinnies .]
- Yeah.
she's the best.
Ooh.
can you imagine- her face on her body? - [ Whinnies .]
- [ Doorbell Rings .]
President Clinton? Yeah.
hi.
I'm here to see Lisa Simpson.
- [ Gasps .]
You read my letter? - Much of it.
yes.
And those glow sticks were wrong.
Very wrong.
So I've personally overturned the results of that band contest.
- Congratulations.
- [ Gasps .]
Thank you.
Mr.
President.
No.
Thank you, Lisa.
for teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson.
If things don't go your way.
just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
- That's a pretty lousy lesson.
- Hey.
I'm a pretty lousy president.
- Shh! - [ Comic Book Guy .]
Worst episode ever.