M*A*S*H (MASH) s11e14 Episode Script

- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
- Good morning.
- Welcome home, Colonel.
- How was Seoul? - I trust your staff meeting was as scintillating as usual.
It was.
As least that's what they told me when I woke up.
Well, it looks like I got back just in time to punch the time clock.
- How bad is it? - The war's having a slow day.
They're prepping a few G.
I.
S and one North Korean soldier.
With any luck, we'll be through in time to skip lunch.
Well, well, the prodigal colonel returns.
Howdy, Winchester.
How did it go yesterday? Well, compared to this, it was quite pleasant.
Absolutely nothing happened.
Absolutely nothing? Wasn't yesterday payday? Oh, yeah, now that you mention it, I was paid if you can call that pittance a highlight.
What about the assignment I gave you to be charity collection officer? Oh, that! Well, I was so worn out from counting my enormous salary that it plumb slipped my mind.
- Slipped your mind? - Now, now, Colonel there's no need to get into a tizzy about this.
I can take care of everything tonight at dinnertime.
All I have to do is invert a helmet on the table with a sign saying, "Charity.
Please contribute.
" You'd have about as much luck as putting a sign next to the oven saying, "Hot stove.
Please stand on it.
" Sir, the pith of your homespun analogy eludes me.
Why do you think I wanted you to do it on payday? The best time to squeeze any money out of a soldier is while he's still got it in the palm of his grimy hand.
Now your job will be Just the idea of pleading for alms seems so gauche.
Nobody likes to go hat in hand, even for a good cause.
But we all have to take our turn.
- This month you got the short straw.
- All right, all right.
I suppose I can lower myself, badger a few soldiers, and get a couple of token contributions.
We do not accept any tokens.
General Crenshaw is demanding in this charity drive.
And before my butt winds up in a sling, I'll put yours in a cast.
Sir, I do think that someone else anyone else, might be better suited for this task.
Not a chance.
You're perfect.
You don't have to worry about ruining any close friendships.
- Colonel - Remember, 10 bucks per officer three per enlisted man.
I want it collected, counted, and delivered to my desk by 2100 hours Tuesday.
Got the picture? Cheese.
- Traction.
- Stamp him "Fragile" and get him into post-op.
- How's the North Korean? - Touch and go.
He's given a whole new meaning to the term "lead poisoning.
" Hi.
Happy to help.
We're taking a survey.
Where did you hear about us? Here's the X-ray, Doctor.
That doesn't look too bad.
Just a scalp laceration.
- Is he gonna live? - Who? - The gook.
- I don't know about the gook.
- The North Korean's in bad shape.
- Yeah? Good.
I shot him.
- Is that right? - Yeah, w-we were ambushed.
While we were diving for cover, my helmet came off.
The next thing I know, a bullet grazed my head and knocked me out.
Later, while I was coming to I felt something pulling on my feet.
- What was it? - That bastard.
He must have thought I was dead and was trying to steal my boots.
And the fool was in such a hurry to get 'em off, he laid his rifle down.
Before he knew I was awake, I grabbed it and - Let him have it.
- Congratulations.
- Guess he won't be trying that again so soon.
- No, I guess he won't.
Lieutenant, will you close for me here? - Major.
- Ah, Margaret.
Margaret, have I ever told you how much I admire you? - Never.
- Well, it's high time I did.
Yes, indeed.
You, Margaret, possess a quality of warmth and, uh, compassion that touches me to the quick.
- Bull.
- You're also quite articulate.
- And have I told you - What do you want? You know that I am charity collection officer? Oh, well, you should've seen me yesterday.
It was payday.
No, no, Margaret, my expectations of you are on a far grander scale than that.
One that a warm, selfless person such as yourself would find rewarding and fulfilling.
I wouldn't do that weenie job again if you boiled me in oil.
Weenie though it be, perhaps I can apply some mustard to make the whole thing a little more palatable.
- What would it take to get you to do it? - Are you trying to bribe me? - Am I succeeding? - Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Sonnets from the Portuguese.
- I think they're the most beautiful words ever written.
- You're serious, aren't you? - You have a copy, and I would love to have it.
Margaret, you know it's my policy never to lend books.
- No book, no charity.
- Then again, uh, rules are made to be - Broken? - Broken.
Yes, especially when it comes to lending drivel.
Major, I'd be glad to contribute but I just spent my last few dollars to get my laundry done.
Everybody's got an excuse.
Okay, I'll hit Baker up.
Where is she? Uh, well, she's busy right now.
- What's she doing? - My laundry.
She needs every cent she can lay her hands on.
Get him on that bed over there.
Can we get that door closed right away, please? - Easy.
- Kellye, keep-keep an eye on his vital signs.
- If there's any problem, call me.
- Hey.
Since when do they put the enemy in with us? Well, it was either that or have him stuffed and put over the mantelpiece.
Yeah? Margaret.
What brings you to my humble hovel? Uh, I've gotta talk to you.
Talk.
Louder.
B.
J.
, you're such a nice guy.
You're always making people feel at ease.
That's why you haven't got an enemy in the world.
- Except Earl Flagen.
- Who? The kid I defeated for the marble championship of the second grade.
- You're also kind.
- I took that little twerp apart.
And gentle, always willing to help a friend.
That's what I like about you, Margaret.
You always get right to the point, eventually.
- What do you want? - I thought you might enjoy being charity officer for me.
Oh, you'd be so good at it.
- Oh, yeah? - Well, yeah.
You've got such a great smile.
Not liking you is like not liking a collie.
- What am I supposed to do? Sit up and beg? - Come on, B.
J.
, it's for charity.
Well, you know what they say, Margaret.
"One paw washes the other.
" Well, I always intended to make it worth your while.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- How about darning my socks? - Darn your socks? That's it? - That's it.
- Of course! Oh, what's a pair of socks? Oh, you're kidding.
Can't you do something about this guy? He's keeping me awake.
Lieutenant.
He's got a fever.
Must be secondary infection from the frostbite.
- I think we should change the dressing on his feet.
- Right, Major.
- He's got frostbite? - Yeah, real bad.
He could lose some of his toes.
The soles of his shoes were worn through.
He had cloth wrapped around his feet.
- It's okay.
It's gonna be all right.
- Oh.
Well, here.
Give him this.
Thanks.
That's very nice.
Anything to shut him up.
- Igor, old buddy.
How are you? - Not so great.
Oh, that's too bad.
You know what would make you feel better? Doing a good deed, like contributing - I don't believe it! A straight flush! - Huh? There I was, with aces full over eights.
A dream hand, right? I can't lose.
So what happens? The dumb jerk sees my bet draws three cards and hits a straight flush.
I lost every cent I had to my name.
- Aw, gee, that's tough.
- I can't believe how lucky that Rizzo is.
Hey, Doc, could you maybe let me have five bucks till payday? - Rizzo, my man.
How's it going? - Oh, great, Doc, great.
You're looking at one Cajun that loves the whole wide world today.
- Oh, yeah? - I mean it.
Today is Luther Rizzo Day.
I just won me a small fortune playing poker.
I made a three-card draw to a straight flush.
- Well, it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
- That's true.
You know, Rizzo.
When fate smiles on me, I always make it a practice to pass on some of the good fortune.
To give something back, you know? To help others.
- Yeah, yeah, me too.
- Good, good.
Absolutely.
In the Bayou legend has it that a selfish man will be possessed by demon bats and never get no sleep till he does some good deed and mends his ways.
I'm glad to hear you say that, because I'm the guy that can save you from those bats.
It just so happens I'm charity officer - That's why I just sent home every cent that I just won.
- You what? Yeah.
I made me one of those money orders and shipped my jackpot straight to Zola and my pride and joy, little Billy Bubba.
- Oh.
- Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
I wrote to Zola what to do with all that loot too.
I said, "Zola "Billy Bubba is too old to be walking around without shoes "and you are too young to be walking around without teeth.
And if there's anything left over, pay the rent.
" I know it hurts.
Just try to rest.
Hey.
I need to talk to you.
Oh, sure.
What's up? Remember the time Charles was sleeping and you painted the fluorescent eight ball on his head? Yeah.
He gave off such a soft glow in the dark.
And you remember he said he'd shave your head bald if he could prove that you did it? - So you made me promise not to tell? - Sure, why? I'm gonna tell.
- You swore on your grandmother's grave.
- She's still alive.
But you won't be, unless you take over as charity officer for me.
Oh, I see.
I see.
Beej, come on.
Blackmail? Whatever made you think I'd submit to that? It's so low and unprincipled.
And if you tell Charles I painted his head I'll tell the colonel about that time you were dying to go fishing - and there was no jeep available.
- Oh, come on.
He still thinks Sophie just wandered off for the day.
- So you're gonna hit below the belt, huh? - Mm-hmm.
You know that nurse from the 8063rd - that you're supposed to be meeting in Seoul next weekend? - Yeah? How do you think the weekend will go after she's seen a photo of your wife and child? - What? - Peg and Erin Pierce.
"My darling, we miss you and can't wait for you to come home.
Love, Peg and Erin.
" Beautiful woman, beautiful child.
You have a lovely family.
You wouldn't.
All right, gentlemen.
The Lebanese chocolate fairy has arrived.
Present, sweet tooth.
If you're not allowed to eat 'em now, save 'em for later.
How soon do you think I can get out of here, sir? Oh, I'd say tomorrow.
What's your hurry? - Let's just say I don't like hospitals.
- You know something? Neither do I.
Here you go.
This is American chocolate bar.
This is number one.
Tastes great.
And some of those carrots, please.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Lieutenant Armstrong, please, let me.
You might strain something important.
Here.
This-This way, please.
Oh, here's a nice table right over here.
Here, let me get this bench for you.
- Well, Hawkeye, you're so much the gentleman today.
- Oh, thank you.
But every other day you're an incorrigible lech.
- Why the change? - Excellent question.
- Lieutenant Armstrong, may I be frank? - I doubt it.
If the truth be known, I'm smitten with you.
Oh, since when? Since forever, but it's taken me this long to summon up the courage to tell you.
Today, my dear, is ours.
We'll share a lovely walk through the motor pool and then a romantic dinner for two at "Chez Stockroom.
" Well, actually, that sounds kind of nice.
All this, including transportation, can be yours for a measly $10 contribution to charity.
- What's so What's so funny? - You want me to pay to go out with you? Remember, my sweet, it's tax deductible.
Oh, that's rich.
You must really think you're something.
Well, I am good at making people laugh.
Look, Romeo, I've got a boyfriend in the commandos.
He looks like Errol Flynn and has muscles out to here.
If I told him what you just tried to pull he'd rip you apart like a wishbone.
That does it.
I'm breaking our date.
- And don't call me again.
- Okay.
- What's your problem? - You don't want to hear about it.
Try me.
The colonel said I could have a three-day pass if I got caught up on all my paperwork.
I did everything but catalog the new medicine.
I'll never get that done.
I'd give anything for that pass.
He's "shocky.
" Could be internal hemorrhaging.
- You'd better get Pierce right away.
- Right, Major.
- Is he in bad shape? - Very.
- No, no! For the last time, will you get out ofhere? Who needs you, you coldhearted vulture? There's plenty of decent, generous, dry people around here.
Attention! Attention! All you decent, generous people I have an announcement to make.
You know, I'm really lucky to be in on the ground floor of something really big and important.
And so are you.
'Cause here's a chance to fill yourself full of fulfillment.
Fulfill this! - Sponge.
- Sponge.
- Again.
- Sponge.
Give me that.
All right, that takes care of that bleeder.
I have the feeling I'm gonna have to find plenty more.
He's oozing from everywhere.
Yes, my son.
I can see this dilemma has caused you deep and heartfelt grief.
Then you'll take this charity job from me, Father? - Well - You have to, Father.
I'll do anything.
I'll put you in for a medal of honor.
I can do it.
I've got the forms.
Klinger, you know I'm not interested in glory.
Okay, okay.
I'll repent.
- No booze, no gambling, no wom Well, no booze and gambling.
- Klinger, please.
I'll go to services every Sunday.
The Bibles.
I'll dust 'em for you.
- Klinger, shut up already.
I'll do it.
- You mean I convinced you? You didn't have to.
Collecting money is right up my alley.
In fact, we had a course in the seminary at putting the bite on parishioners.
Oh, thank you, Father.
You're a prince among priests.
Listen, about those promises.
I just got this bottle of ouzo.
- You may have a drink.
- Well, I was gonna drink it at this floating crap game.
- That's your decision.
- On Sunday morning.
Well, it's a shame you won't be able to make the game.
And by the way, there's no drinking in church.
Blood pressure's His pulse, if you can call it that, is 120 and thready.
Nothing.
It's over.
Okay, ready? Lift.
- Good morning, Igor.
- Hiya, Father.
Why the Sunday duds on Tuesday? Well, you see, I'm the new charity collections officer, and I need all the help I can get.
Save your sales pitch, Father.
I gave at the card game.
A full house.
I had a full house.
All right, Igor, I'll let you off the hook, but nobody else.
I'm going to stand at the end of the serving line and solicit everyone who passes through.
In my working clothes, who could possibly turn me down? Hey, that's not a bad idea, Father.
You're a pretty shrewd cookie.
Well, I do believe people are essentially good but sometimes you have to put 'em in a half nelson to get them to cough up.
Okay, Father, I'll tell you what.
I'll kick in the first three bucks for you.
Why, that's wonderful, Igor.
Bless you.
I thought you said you lost all your money in a card game.
Well, I did.
But every month I set aside three dollars for the orphanage.
- I need the deduction.
- Wait a minute.
You mean that money was earmarked for my children? Hey, Father, a G.
I.
's dough only goes so far.
If you want people to give to the charity drive it's gonna cut into your orphanage fund.
But that's not fair.
I've never seen a man write so much.
- You really must miss the wife and kid.
- Very funny.
Klinger never told me how much there was to this stupid cataloging.
Not only do you have to count it all, you have to alphabetize it put it in the order of the amount on hand, and then cross-reference it.
Gentlemen, my serenity is being disturbed.
That's what you get for being such a pushover.
- Never trade a favor for a favor when you can stoop to blackmail.
What a pity.
If you gentlemen handled your affairs as efficiently as I handled mine you too, would be looking forward to a day of rest and relaxation.
- Quiet, will you? Quiet.
- Hi, Father.
Winchester, you are a dirty stinker! - Put that ba What? - Don't listen to him.
Nobody takes the word of a priest.
I've been doing a little investigation, and I have found out that this - belongs to you.
- Ah, the charity ledger.
Well, it did belong to me, Father, but it's long since passed from my hands.
Well, it's back.
Major, it is a very low and unscrupulous person who abdicates the opportunity to do good work for his fellow man.
- Tell me, are you such a person? - Certainly not.
Every Christmas I give two dollars to the postman.
My, my, you certainly do give till it hurts.
What do you expect? He's the kind of person who'd give a drowning man a glass of water.
All right then, Winchester.
Here's what it comes down to.
This job has been passed on to me, and I'm not going to do it.
So when General Crenshaw gets this empty ledger back he's not going to feel so charitable, not to mention Colonel Potter.
And the man they're going to hang is the man whose name is on the assignment sheet.
And guess who that is.
You'll be busted so low, you'll be saying "Yes, sir" to Klinger.
Gentlemen have you ever considered that there are people less fortunate than yourselves? People who need your financial assistance? People such as me.
Shh! You might have a slight headache for a day or two, but don't let it bother you.
Thank you, sir.
You've treated me real good.
I'm sorry to have to be of service.
For a guy who was so fired up to get out of here, you don't seem very happy.
Oh, I'm okay.
All right, if you say so.
Here you go.
Something wrong, son? My boots.
That's all he wanted was my lousy boots.
His feet were freezing.
I'd have done the same thing.
He was just a guy like me.
And I shot him and killed him for a pair of boots.
You know, sometimes I think there should be a rule of war saying you have to see someone up close and get to know him before it's okay to shoot him.
How can I wear these again? How can I ever put on a pair of shoes without thinking of that guy? Sorry, son.
I know how much it hurts, but I'm only a doctor.
Some wounds I just can't treat.
Well, Major.
Right on time.
I like that.
Sir, my mission of mercy has been accomplished.
Should you decide to assign me this task again I would like three days' notice so that I'll have time to desert.
It couldn't have been too big a pain in the heinie.
You got money from everyone.
Oh, come to think of it, except me.
I wanna kick in my fair share.
Wait a minute.
My name's checked off too.
What's going on here? I didn't give you any money.
Trying to raise money around here is like trying to raise the Titanic with tweezers.
So, I, uh, paid for everybody.
However, I will take your $10.
I could use a loan till payday.
Thank you.