M*A*S*H (MASH) s11e15 Episode Script

- Two beers, two scotches.
- Thanks, Igor.
Sergeant, is the general's jeep ready? Right away, sir! Yeah, I'm just changing the oil.
Good.
You're sure you're not oiled yourself? Hey.
Hey, what's the big idea? Take it easy, Rizzo.
It's just a joke.
Hardy-har-har.
"Time capsule to be buried in cornerstone of new Los Angeles skyscraper.
" - Laughable.
- What makes that so laughable? I'll bet a hundred years from now people will find that interesting.
Why on earth would anyone find Los Angeles of interest in the future? Certainly no one finds it of interest now.
What the hell are they gonna bury? - Suntan lotion? A carhop? - We could make one of those here.
- It's hard to find a carhop in Korea.
- No, really.
We could put something in the ground that would remind people that we were here.
- I thought that's what land mines were for.
- Why can't you ever be serious? We could leave something that says who we were and why we were here like a duty roster or a medal.
Why don't we just leave a copy of Dante's Inferno? - Who needs any of you? I can do it all by myself.
- Okay, fine.
I'll help.
- You? - Yeah.
Our delegate to the united insubordinations? Everybody else is making holes in this country.
Might as well fill one of them with something constructive.
- How about dirt? - Oh, poo on you turkeys.
Don't put words in my beak.
I wanna help, no kidding.
Really.
I thought he could hold his liquor better than that.
Holy Moly! Igor, I came in here to get blasted, but not like that.
You mean this? It's a dummy.
They use it in basic.
I thought it'd make a nice reading lamp for my mom.
Oh, it's a dummy, huh? Listen, before you get that thing fitted for a shade, can I borrow it off you? In exchange for what? Well, uh, you know that date you got tonight? You could get to first base a whole lot faster in a Rizzo rent-a-jeep.
- Yeah.
Women are pushovers for a convertible.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, Pierce, what's the catch? Why does there have to be a catch? I've been here as long as you.
I've worked as hard as you.
I just want to be part of it.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
But I'm warning you.
If this is another one of your jokes I've got a curling iron in there that has your name on it.
Pierce, you're really serious about this time capsule business.
- I thought you were just drunk.
- You know how Margaret is.
She sees the world through khaki-colored glasses.
I just want to get in a few licks for us malcontents.
Ah, Hawk, how could I have ever doubted your insincerity? I not understand.
Where we go? To a U.
N.
Refugee camp outside of Monsan-ni.
We cannot.
Daughter not know where to look for us.
Was working in field when village attacked.
Not see her since.
Oh, dear.
Tell the U.
N.
People! They'll help you find her! Attention, all personnel.
We interrupt your sweet dreams to bring you the following nightmare.
Okay, that's it.
Tomorrow we get an unlisted number.
- Need a unit here.
Maybe two.
- Right away.
- Are you the C.
O.
Here, sir? - I ain't here to model bathrobes.
What is it, Sergeant? We got a prisoner.
The sniper who shot that kid this afternoon.
- What kid? - Stoddard, from Able Company.
- We sent him on the chopper.
- No chopper came in here this afternoon.
Uh-oh.
We shipped him about 1700 hours.
- I see.
Klinger? - Sir? Battalion Aid sent us a chopper this afternoon, and it ain't here yet.
- Get on the horn and track it down.
- Yes, sir.
But first, ring up G-2 and tell 'em we've got a prisoner they may want to interrogate.
- Yes again, sir.
- And before you do that incarcerate that prisoner someplace.
Prisoner's over here, Sergeant.
- This is the prisoner? - They caught her with this.
- She's all yours.
- Oh, that's cute.
Shooting at us with our own guns.
I not shoot anybody! Must find family.
Please let me go.
Hey, save it for the judge.
- A time capsule, eh? - Exactly.
We want everyone to contribute one item they feel symbolizes their experience in Korea.
- How about one of my gray hairs? - That's not bad.
Well, I was thinking of something a little more substantial.
How about your army field manual? It would show people the rules and regulations - that have made this the finest army in the world.
- That's good.
How to defend freedom and democracy through unquestioned obedience.
There's nothing wrong with that.
I'm putting in a nurses' manual.
Well, I don't know, Margaret.
I never thought of myself exactly as a by-the-book man.
Unless you want one of my Zane Greys.
With all due respect, Colonel, Zane Grey isn't very military.
- That's just nothing but shooting and killing.
- What's wrong with Zane Grey? After 24 hours on my feet, there's nothing better than soaking my tootsies and losing myself in Last of the Plainsmen.
I got a better idea.
How about commemorating your tootsies with a bunion pad? - A bunion pad? - Pierce, that's a class "A" symbol.
Hold on.
I got Zeno pads up the wazoo.
You can't be serious.
Even Zane Grey is better than that.
Come in.
Sir, finally got some word from G-2.
Fine, fine.
Tell you what, folks.
I got real business here.
- You two go on and work out your differences.
- Colonel, can't you give us Take 'em both.
Pick one, bring back the other.
Zeno pads.
That's the best.
All right, son.
It's all yours.
G-2 says the local Korean police want to interrogate our lady of the carbine.
They're sending somebody to pick her up later this afternoon.
- Got it.
What about the missing chopper? - Still missing.
Battalion Aid confirms the pilot and Corporal Stoddard took off yesterday afternoon.
They haven't landed or made radio contact since.
Well, I guess we better list 'em M.
I.
A.
Top of the morning to you, Captain! - Rizzo, I didn't recognize you with your eyes open.
- Ha-ha.
Oh, my goodness! I don't believe that I brung this with me into the shower.
- What's that, your pillow? - Nope.
My hand grenade.
- Hand grenade? - Yeah.
Got it from a wounded guy last night.
Thought I'd defuse it, fill it with pebbles, and make a rattle for little Billy Bubba.
- I don't think you ought to play with that thing.
- Come on, Captain.
- These things are made of the finest U.
S.
Steel.
- Rizzo - Oh, my goodness! - What? The pin came out! Get the hell out of here! What the hell is so funny? That wasn't no real grenade! - That was a fake! - A fake? You dirty You slimy But you sure do have "purty" legs.
Rizzo, I'll get you for this.
Oh, come on, Captain.
Just a joke.
Oh, come on, Charles.
Think.
It can be anything.
- How about a bottle of cognac? - A bottle of booze? - Let people remember we drank to forget.
- Pierce.
Now, now, the lad may be onto something.
I happen to have a bottle of cognac.
It isn't very good, and I won't miss it.
Is it so hard to find something that stands for the work we do? - We save lives.
- So take the cognac and throw in a Saint Bernard.
Oh, that does it! All you've done for this project is make stupid, dumb jokes.
First job I've ever had where I could use my natural talents.
You're out of a job, Mr.
Mirth.
And you! I'll be back, and you better come up with something! Well, well, Pierce, your skills as a saboteur seem to be a bit rusty.
Not only have you not scuttled this Korean garage sale you seem to have strengthened her resolve to see it through.
- That's true.
- There! What are you doing? Going into business for myself.
Eat.
You need your strength.
For what? Well, it takes strength to eat that stuff.
How I find my parents when I'm chained here like a dog? I got to find them before they're too far away.
Come in.
Klinger, we just got a call from G-2.
They won't be able to pick up the prisoner for six hours.
Six hours! You've got to let me go.
Family be anywhere by then! You should have thought of that before you used our boys for target practice.
- I not shoot anybody! - I suppose the gun was to kill mosquitoes.
I find gun in field while plowing! I tell soldiers that already.
Plowing? Did you say plowing in a field? Yes.
It is my job to plow parents' farm.
Yesterday, when bombs come, I run.
Not see father and mother since.
Oh, my Lord.
I think I saw them.
- Where? - Here.
Yesterday.
There was a refugee couple who was worried about their daughter.
Did they say my name? Soon-Lee? No, but they mentioned that their daughter was working in the field.
Ah! That must be them.
Where they now? At a refugee camp outside of Monsan-ni.
But they won't be allowed to stay there for more than a day.
You-You Please, you must let me go.
If you don't, maybe I never see them again.
Please, don't you believe I'm innocent? Well, I guess, but I can't let you go.
They'd put one of these on me.
Please! Please! I'm sorry.
Listen.
- Type and cross match and get him into X-ray.
- Got it.
Tell them to give me a lateral as well as a frontal.
I heard the whirlybird.
How many we got? - Just the one, Colonel.
I got it.
- Doc? - Is Stoddard gonna make it? - You bet.
I'm putting my best man on it.
- Did you say Stoddard, the sniper victim? - That's him.
You guys left Battalion Aid yesterday.
Where the hell have you been? - Sorry, sir.
I had some engine trouble.
- Why didn't you radio? We got shot at.
A bullet hit one of the tubes.
Another one 86'd my fan belt.
Can you help me get it fixed? Sure.
Go see my company clerk.
Have him call "I" Corps and tell 'em to take you out of Lost and put you in Found.
- Thanks, sir.
- What do you mean, you can't get her for another two hours? Give me a break.
Did you ever get hit with 50-mile-an-hour Spam? - Are you the company clerk? - Yeah.
Be right with you, sir.
You know, the girl could be innocent.
According to her, she found the gun in a field.
She was just trying to catch up with her folks.
Besides, how could she be a sniper with that face? Never mind.
Just send somebody down here, will ya? Now, what can I do for you, sir? I need a new fan belt for my chopper.
Where's the motor pool? - Come on.
I'll show you.
- Klinger? - What do you have for the time capsule? - Oh, right! Excuse me one second, Lieutenant.
I got just the perfect thing, Major.
This was always one of my favorites.
It's a designer original from Mr.
Sid ofToledo.
You dodo! I can't use that! Gee, it's a lot more practical than what I gave Captain Pierce.
He insisted on my Scarlett O'Hara ensemble.
Pierce? What does he want with a dress? He's making a time capsule too.
But I bet his is funnier than yours.
He's a dead man.
And so are you if you don't find me something I can use! You just can't please her.
Basic black goes with anything.
Oh, yeah.
The fan belt.
Take a left and follow the smell of grease.
Thanks.
And will you call my unit and tell 'em I'm here and alive and so is the guy who got shot by the sniper.
He is? Getting warm.
Warmer.
Got it.
Hot lead.
It's all yours.
Thanks, Doc.
You're a real lifesaver.
Now think, Igor.
Whatever goes in there has to last for a hundred years.
- How about a piece of toast? - Perfect! In a hundred years, it'll be 200 years old.
You low-life, disgusting son of a sewer pump! Has anybody ever told you you have the voice of a songbird drowning in hot tar? I suppose that piece of toast is for your time capsule! You certainly don't expect me to eat it.
I am trying to do something with meaning and heart two things about which you know nothing! Let me tell you something I do know.
If you want to symbolize what we're doing here, bury an empty box.
- Go bury yourself! - Still want the toast? Sure.
At least it'll be in the ground where it can't hurt anybody.
Watch what you're doing, you bayou boob.
Say what? You rear-ended me! If you'd get out of the way, instead of standing there like a pile of chitlins.
That man's gonna kiss my chitlins.
Unfortunately, the refugee center is terribly overcrowded.
They're shipping out as many people as possible by train.
No, no.
If parents get on train, I never catch up with them.
- Good news! A reprieve from the government! - What? Hunnicutt just took the bullet out of Stoddard.
It was too big to have come from your gun.
That was proof enough to G-2 you didn't shoot the fella.
Which means you're free to go.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
Wish we had a sawbuck and a new suit to give you.
I know something we can give her a jeep ride to the refugee depot.
- What for? - Her parents may be there! We'll be back by suppertime.
Yeah, that seems, uh, like the least we could do.
Your stomach is coming along just fine, Stoddard.
Lucky for you the bullet didn't perforate your bowel.
- You'll be on solid food in no time at all.
- Thanks, ma'am.
Excuse me, Major, but where is the file on Private Panzera? It's on my desk, Captain.
I'm surprised you have time for us.
I thought you were busy picking out dresses.
I want to bury a time capsule, not a patient.
Excuse me.
Do either of you know if Lieutenant Brannum is still around? - Who's that? - He's the chopper pilot that brought me in.
Yeah.
He left a while ago.
I was hoping I'd get a chance to see him.
He saved my life.
That's all in a day's work for those guys.
This was a lot more than just a day's work.
Oh, yes.
We heard he had engine trouble.
- Is that all he told you? - Yeah.
Why? We got shot at.
Next thing I know, we're landing.
Lieutenant said that they got the fan belt and that the engine was overheating and we could only fly So, he walked that far ahead and found a clearing.
Then he came back and got me.
By that time, the engine was cool.
So, we flew up and landed at the new place by which time the engine was hot again.
We did that all afternoon.
My God.
After it got dark we couldn't fly anymore so he, uh, kept me warm with a blanket till this morning.
Then as soon as it was light, he started the whole thing all over again.
That's how we got here He sure left out the best part.
You've had a long trip, or a bunch of short ones.
- Better get some rest.
- All right.
- Lucky kid.
- Oh, shut up, you.
Well, hello there, Major.
Sergeant Rizzo.
Thank you so much for knocking.
You seem to be a little more chipper since our collision.
Is it safe to assume you're not here to sue me for whiplash? Oh, no, no.
It ain't nothing like that.
I've been thinking about it, and I just want to say that I was all wrong, and you was all right.
What's that? I was all wrong, and you was all right.
No, no.
What you're holding in your hand.
Oh, this? This is my lucky grenade.
Are you crazed, man? That thing could go off! Well, it ain't so far.
That's why it's lucky.
- Sergeant, please.
- Oh, no, no, Major.
It, uh Oh, my gosh.
The pin came out! - Clear the hell out of here! - Save yourself, man! Major! Major! We're gonna get blowed to kingdom come! Don't worry about me! Run! Run! Wait a minute.
It didn't go off.
Y- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I- I noticed that too.
It must be a dud.
Thank the Lord! It's a miracle! A dud.
That could just explain it.
We can only be grateful that no one was injured.
Major, I-I just don't know what to say.
I mean, you throwed yourself on that thing faster than Snider's hounds.
You was willing to give your life for mine.
Oh, now, Luther, you would have done the same thing for me.
Oh, yeah, I would.
Yeah, I would.
I'll take that pineapple off you now, sir.
No, no, my friend.
You've had a frightful scare.
You go curl up in a nice, warm jeep.
Oh, it's all right, sir.
I'm fine.
No, I will dispose of this permanently.
Oh.
Well, yeah.
That's a good idea.
- Major? - Yeah.
I want you to know, sir, that I am eternally in your debt.
And that if you are ever in Baton Rouge, you just come by and I'll have Zola fix up the finest mess of pigs' feet that ever carried a pig.
My mouth is already watering.
- So many people.
- Yeah, and these are the lucky ones.
Wait! I think I see them! It is you! Heaven be praised! Father.
You come all this way from MASH? Yes.
And I have something wonderful.
Look, look.
I brought your daughter.
Father Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
And this spark plug a donation from Sergeant Rizzo symbolizes quality, craftsmanship and good old Yankee know-how.
Major, it was made in Japan.
Well, they're on our side.
Next, from Lieutenant Nakahara.
A donation of her favorite pair of Uh-oh.
Cover your eyes.
Her favorite pair of army boots, gutter brain.
And they stand for Standing.
Right.
And finally from our illustrious commanding officer a copy of Last of the Plainsmen by Zane Grey.
Personally, I think she should have gone with the Zeno pads.
Well, that's everything.
And I know that each and every one of you hopes that when somebody opens this up in a hundred years he or she will know that this land was occupied by good, decent Hold it right there! You guys are not gonna do this.
- You slime bags can't bury that thing here.
- We wouldn't dream of it.
We're gonna bury this in a much more fitting place.
- How about right over there? - Will you just get out of here! Before we go, I got something in here that's a little more appropriate for your time capsule.
Like what? Your dirty socks or your dirty magazines? Just a broken fan belt.
From the chopper.
Nobody noticed that pilot when he was here but it would be nice if people remembered him a hundred years from now.
That's very appropriate.
Thank you.
What else do you have there? This is my contribution.
Radar left me this.
Let it stand for all the soldiers who came over here as boys and went home as men.
That's very lovely.
I fished with this a couple of times.
Hawk told me it belonged to Colonel Blake.
It's for all the men who never made it home.
- And I would like to donate - No, no, not the booze! But, Margaret, when the time capsule is opened this cognac will be over Oh, all right.
These are courtesy of Father Mulcahy.
In the future, if countries feel they need to go to war, they can use these to settle it.
- Amen to that, Padre.
- Amen.
Amen indeed.
Okay, I'm putting it all in.
No! One more thing.
Klinger's Scarlett O'Hara gown.
No, no, no! I draw the line, no! Come on, Major.
That's not fair.
This could stand for something.
How about all the girls we left behind? Okay, okay, okay, okay, but not that awful getup.
- The black one.
- Madame has impeccable taste.
Pierce, very nice.
Thank you.
I figure since we're burying everything else, why not the hatchet? By the way, you realize you didn't include anything in the time capsule from the infamous Major Burns.
I was thinking about putting in his scalpel, but I didn't want to include any deadly weapons.
Guys, mind if we join you? I'm taking Soon-Lee to the "0" Club to listen to music.
- Sure, come on.
You can sit with us.
- Thank you.
Look at this crowd.
The place is packed.
We'll never get a table.
Don't despair, gentlemen.
I have a feeling a few tables will open up shortly.