M*A*S*H (MASH) s11e16 Episode Script

Have you seen these orders? I can't make heads or tails of them.
That's the young fellow we had.
- How're you feeling? - Great.
How are you? You look a little thin, don't you? - How have you been sleeping? - On my back.
The bed is terrible here.
You can feel the springs right through the mattress.
Mm-hmm.
Yesterday you were gonna tell me about that day at the beach.
It was great.
Very hot.
A lot of people say too much sun is no good for you.
And, you know, carcinomas can result from that.
This, of course, would concern me as a physician.
I'd like to get back to the beach.
Hey, go ahead.
Take the rest of the day off.
What happened that day? You know, I really should be allowed to go home! I There's nothing wrong with me! What was it like at the beach? It was great.
It was the Fourth of July.
There was a lot of fighting going on but it was way over at Kumsong, so Colonel Potter gave most of us the day off.
We went to a cove north of Inchon, and we had a great time.
I got it! Not fair, fella! That's against the rules! - We had a great time, and we went home.
- What was that like? Going home? Hilarious.
Amusing.
Genial.
Joyful.
Raucous.
Funny.
- What happened? - It was great.
We were laughing and singing.
We passed a bottle around.
Can we please have that bottle back here? This guy can't wait! So you had a great time on the bus.
And, so, we had a great time on the bus.
And, so, we enjoyed ourselves.
And so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so.
I'm not, however, having a great time here.
First place, I don't like the color of these walls, if you can call that a color.
I don't know what's on those walls, but I think it hit the fan first.
Come in.
There's a phone call for Captain Pierce.
- Good time as any for a break.
- Yeah.
Let's knock off till Christmas.
Rooms may not be much here, but they got a great bellhop.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
"Yel-low.
" Snake pit.
We never close.
Hawk, it's B.
J! How you doin'? How the hell do you think? I've been locked up for the last week in a "wackateria.
" Well, listen, Sidney's the doctor.
You want a laugh? He says you're the doctor.
I'm the doctor! I sew people back together.
Why is he keeping a brilliant surgeon locked up? I mean, what's behind that? Uh, look, um, Father Mulcahy would like to say hello.
Hello, Hawkeye.
Need anything? Can we send anything down to you? Yeah.
How about a Band-Aid for my finger? I got a blister from going Uh, yes, well, I'll see what I can do.
Uh, uh, perhaps, uh, Colonel Potter, uh, uh, could, uh Uh, mmm.
Pierce, we miss you here.
I miss me there too.
It's lonely here, especially at night.
I do hear the guy in the next room.
He cries all night.
Uh, so, uh Oh, listen, have you heard the latest? The truce talks are on again.
- Yeah? - They must be serious about peace this time because the fighting's gotten a lot worse.
They're trying to grab more real estate before they sign, you know.
Lots of casualties.
Just remember.
Every day you let them keep your best surgeon, you're killing patients.
Uh, uh, Pierce, Margaret won't rest till I put her on the phone.
Now, you just hold on there.
- Hawkeye? - "Thpeaking.
" No.
You'll be great.
- How do you feel? - Like a hostage.
How about you? Oh, same old stuff.
This and that, ups and downs.
Uh, what can I say? Well, that pretty much covers it.
Nice talking to you.
Oh, it was great talking to you! - You just take care of yourself, okay? - Mmm.
Klinger wants to say hello! - What do you say, Captain? - Hello, Klinger.
Hey, you sound perfectly normal to me.
How is it there? You crazy about the place? Oh, he loves it! He loves it.
Can you believe that Syngman Rhee? We almost got peace, and he wants to keep fighting.
- No, no, no.
- This could go on forever! Uh, Pierce? It's me again.
Don't listen to him.
Peace is right around the corner.
We're all making plans for home.
Isn't that right? I can't wait to get back to the states and work in a real hospital with sanitary conditions and regular shifts, and plain, old ordinary diseases.
B.
J.
Says he's gonna make a ring out of his first kidney stone.
Ah.
You just take care of yourself, okay? We all miss you here.
Then get me out! Well, he didn't sound too bad.
- He was more relaxed than I was.
- You gotta know how to handle people like that.
Hunnicutt! I've had a lot of experience with mental illness.
One of the guys I grew up with back in Toledo, Eddie Fahey.
Crazy as a fruitcake.
Potter.
He ran into a light post.
Ended up with a steel plate in his skull.
You know those little black and white Scottie dogs with the magnets in 'em? - He used to wear one on his forehead.
Houlihan.
- Klinger.
We gotta do something about these refugees.
We're not zoned for this.
Have a detail build a pen for those animals behind Rosie's.
Hi.
Can I take a look at you? Colonel, does that look like pellagra to you? Sure could be.
Let's line 'em up for physicals.
- Klinger, we gotta take - Got it, sir.
- We'll use the V.
I.
P.
Tent.
- Just a second.
Soon-Lee! Soon-Lee, will you tell all these people the doctor wants to examine them, make sure they're okay? Uh, yes.
What's the latest count, Sergeant? Sir, we got 10 new P.
O.
W.
's in this morning.
It's getting pretty crowded in there.
We'll have to let out the seams on that barbed wire.
I'll check these guys after I look at the refugees.
We better get peace fast.
Sneaking up on it like this is killin' us.
Well, you know how armies are when you try to take their war away.
Sergeant, give these men more blankets, extra rations, and another latrine trench.
Not necessarily in that order.
I'll be back.
South Korea's in my waiting room.
Oh! Wonderful! Charles! Charles! I just got the most wonderful letter from my father! - How nice.
- He doesn't think I should go to the states after the war.
- Doesn't he? - He's been talking to some of his friends in the army.
He's arranged to have me assigned to an administrative post in Tokyo! I'd be out of nursing, but he says it's the best way to get promoted! Incredible news.
I am tickled pink.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Well, excuse me for bothering you.
I'm just tryin' to work out my future.
- You have your life all mapped out.
- Oh, do I? It so happens I've heard from a friend in Boston who informs me that my application to be chief of thoracic surgery at Boston Mercy may be turned down.
That's terrible.
Why? Because while I have been sharpening my surgical skills here in Korea a certain incompetent has been sharpening his political skills in Boston! And he's slithering in ahead of me! I can't believe you won't get it.
Well, I wish I could share your optimism, Margaret but right now, I have a hundred Boy Scouts tying knots in my colon.
Every hour on the hour I receive the siren call from the latrine.
The last hour just about up.
- If you will excuse me now! - Have you tried another hospital? There is no other hospital! Boston Mercy is the finest in New England! - I know! I know somebody there.
- Bully for them! - If you'll excuse me, I am now in an extreme hurry! What's the matter with you? You drive this thing like it's a lethal weapon! Oh, my.
Corpsman! His tank broke down.
When the crew were repairing it, they were fired on.
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
- He was the only one who made it back into the tank.
- Sponge.
- Sponge.
- He's lost a lot of blood.
- I'll suction.
- Attention all personnel! We're patched into Armed Forces Radio for a special broadcast.
It sounds big, folks.
This is Robert Pierpoint in Seoul.
I've just returned from outside the newly built conference hall in Panmunjom.
The hall is a symbol of the renewed hope for peace.
It is almost finished, and you can still smell the greenness of the wood.
Two years of constant disappointment have made skeptics of us all.
However, the word from Panmunjom today is that an armistice agreement may be reached at almost any hour.
While one of the bloodiest battles of the war rages on it seems peace is finally within our grasp.
Yee-hee! Shh.
Quiet! and agreement on a final truce line.
- Shut your traps! After a week of secret sessions in Panmunjom the Red delegates have finally announced they will discuss preparations for signing the armistice agreement.
There is certainly some distance to go in these negotiations but for the first time in over three years the end of this bloody road that we've traveled seems only steps away.
This is Robert Pierpoint in Seoul.
We return you now to our regular programming.
This is the Armed Forces Network.
Thank you, Dr.
Freedman.
I won't require your services anymore.
- Where you headed, soldier? - The war's coming to an end.
Everybody's on stage for the finale! If you don't mind, I'd like to exchange my straightjacket for something in a 39 normal.
So if you'll call me a taxi, I'll be on my way.
It's so hard to find a cab in this part of the war.
Besides, I don't think you're quite ready to leave.
Sidney, listen to me.
I'm a doctor.
There is nothing wrong with me! That's what you said the night they brought you here.
You'd just driven your jeep through the wall of the Officers Club and ordered a double bourbon.
That was strange.
I drink martinis.
And that morning, you wanted to operate on a patient without an anesthetic.
You accused the anesthetist of trying to smother him with the mask.
Before we call you a cab, I think we have a little more talking to do.
- Colonel! - Good morning, Soon-Lee.
- Uh, that man at motor pool tell me to speak to you.
- He did, huh? - Yes.
I know how to drive jeep.
- Well, good for you.
- He say you give okay, I can have one.
- Whoa, little lady.
- I'm a bit confused here.
- I tell you.
I go looking all over countryside for my parents.
Too much walking.
Jeep is faster, yes? Oh, I'm sorry.
Jeeps are only for people in the army.
But soon it be too late.
I never find them.
Look, I'd like to help.
But there are lots of folks here looking for their families.
The sad fact is we don't have time to be a missing persons bureau.
- Klinger's lending you a hand, isn't he? - Yes, he is.
I'm sure he'll do all he can.
Now the best of luck to you.
Just a minute! You handle our food and dig latrines? Don't worry, sir.
I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines.
I don't understand why it should take so long to construct a simple potty shed.
Winchester, you'll just have to use the ravine latrine like everybody else.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Rome? Rome? Hey, take it easy.
What's going on here? This is my mother's shawl! This woman trade my mother food for it in Chorwon.
Day before yesterday, my mother was in Chorwon! She's alive! She's alive! - Come on.
- Where? We go call Chorwon.
Maybe my family's still there! I don't know if we can get through! Chorwon keeps changing hands! - We try! Come on! - Okay, okay.
All right! Hey.
Hang on a second.
Uh, two bucks for the shawl.
Four bucks.
Four bucks for the shawl.
Ah, thank you.
Here.
Here.
- Here.
When we find your mom, you can give this back to her.
- Thank you.
Come on! Oh-oh! I I am a doctor.
I I I am also ill.
I am a doctor and a patient.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'll be right here.
No, no, no! Now, wait.
Now, don't Now, don't you do that! No! My God, they're musicians.
Yes.
Yes, I see.
Now Uh, all right.
Shush! That That will be all.
Thank you.
Stay! - Don't you think a portable radio would be more convenient? I believe these gentlemen have surrendered.
Let's get 'em inside and process 'em, Corporal.
Come on, boys.
Not too much solid food right away.
They probably couldn't hold it down.
I'll make sure the motorcycle doesn't escape.
Major, I think there's a definite medal in capturing five Chinese in your bathrobe.
Yeah.
Now what happened on the bus? Nothing.
You're wasting your time.
Well, you never know.
What can I tell you? We were having a great time.
We were laughing, and we had a bottle.
Can we please have that bottle back here? This guy can't wait! Where did that soldier come from? - He needed the bottle.
- Keep going.
He needed the bottle, so we gave it to him.
Can we please have this bottle back here? This guy can't wait! So he was wounded.
- I guess he was.
- I wonder why you repressed that? Sergeant, we're looking for a family named Han.
They're refugees, originally from Kumwa.
Get off the phone.
I've got to send a telegram.
Uh, tell them my father is a little man, dark hair.
- Mr.
Han is a little man with dark hair.
- Mother is, uh, short, dark hair.
Yeah, right.
The mother also isn't too tall.
- And brother, uh, short, dark hair.
- I think they got the idea.
- Klinger, I want to send a telegram! - What? All right, but before you go Boy! That one did sound close! They gotta get out.
They're gonna be overrun any minute.
- Klinger! - Working on it, Major.
Go.
This goes to Robert Harwell, Chairman of the Board, Mercy Hospital, Boston, Massachusetts.
- Dear Uncle Bob.
- Gee, your uncle runs a hospital.
- He's not really my uncle.
- Oh, that kind of uncle.
I get it.
He's a friend of the family! I've been calling him that since I'm a kid.
Now be quiet! - Why did you not tell them about my brother? - I tried! - Klinger, pay attention! - Dear Uncle Bob.
Sergeant, get on the phone to "I" Corps.
Colonel, please.
Have known Major Winchester two years.
Klinger, I've got North Koreans up to my southern border, and I want to get 'em outta here! - Yes, sir.
- Now they be looking for two people, not three! - They're not looking for anybody.
They're leaving! - Will you listen? Have worked with Major Winchester two years, stop.
- One of the finest surgeons I've ever known, stop.
- Stop! Tell "I" Corps that tank is still sitting out there, and this is not a parking lot.
His two years here equals 10 years any stateside hospital.
- Klinger, will you - Let me read this.
Don't you have a piece of paper that proves I'm in charge here? Colonel, I'm on my way to the orphanage.
I'm taking them some sulfa, and I need your initials.
- You know, that tank has - And some aspirin.
- And the same goes - And, uh, penicillin.
- Padre! We need a few drugs here too! - Just trying.
- Get on that phone.
- And sign it, "Love to you and Aunt Betsy, Margaret.
" - Margaret! - It's very hard to think in here with all this noise! What is that atrocious odor? Yellow.
Well, put the lid on it.
You're distracting me.
Charles, I'd much rather be distracting my neighbors back in Mill Valley.
My kid has her second birthday coming up and if they don't sign that damn truce, it'll be the second one I've missed.
Silence! Silence! I want an immediate end to this hideous caterwauling! I, uh Shh.
I am trying to listen to music on my phonograph.
Yeah.
Music, eh? Do you know what music is? Oh! No! No! Stop! Cut! I am trying to listen to Mozart.
- Ah.
Mo - Do you understand? - Mozart? - Mozart.
Shh.
Mozart.
Attention all personnel! Incoming wounded! Bring your shoes.
This may be our last dance before we go home! Don't you have somebody else to talk to? You know, the guy in the blue robe out there thinks he's General MacArthur.
If you do a good job on him, he could probably get you promoted.
You have to catch him in the morning.
In the afternoon, he wades ashore in the bathtub.
You know, people would like you a lot better if you didn't stare at them.
The bus.
We had to stop the bus and pick up some refugees.
About half a mile later, we took on some wounded G.
I.
's.
- We got room in the back? - Yeah.
Take 'em in the back.
I'll be right back there.
I gotcha.
Just grab that.
I got him.
No, I got him.
We gotta get this bus into the bushes.
There's an enemy patrol coming down the road.
Let's kill those lights.
Quiet! Now nobody make a sound until they've passed us.
- And then? - Well, we sat and waited.
The evening passed.
This happened.
That happened.
And this and that and so.
And so, and so, and so, and so, and so, and so.
Uh-huh.
Yahoo! - Yeah! ## - What's gotten into you? - I'm getting out of here! I'm going home! - Home? What are you talking about? Let me see this.
"Captain B.
J.
Hunnicutt.
" "San Francisco.
" San Francisco? This doesn't seem possible.
Seems real possible to me.
They wouldn't send one of my surgeons home and not tell me.
This has to be a mistake.
Sure it is.
Look.
We all make mistakes.
Forgive and forget.
That's my motto.
This makes up for the mistake they made when they drafted me.
Suppose you call "I" Corps and confirm it? Suppose we call "I" Corps, and they deny it? You're right.
This calls for blind faith and fast feet.
Look, son, nobody likes a good snafu better than I do but this doesn't seem fair to everyone else.
A lot of these folks have been here longer than you have.
Colonel, who would mind? I'll ask.
Folks, everybody? Can I have your attention for just a moment please? My little daughter My little daughter, Erin, is having her second birthday next week.
I haven't seen her since she was just a little baby.
Would you pass that around? A few minutes ago, I got orders to go home! Now, I realize that some of you have been here longer than I have.
If there is no strong objection, it would surely mean a lot to me and my little girl Doesn't she have a beautiful smile? If I could be there to wish her a happy birthday in person.
So, what do you say? - The vox khaki.
- I can't run a hospital without surgeons.
Who's supposed to replace you? What would you say if we found a first-class surgeon to take my place? - That's fair enough.
- Well Come on.
Let him try.
I guess I'd say bon voyage.
Everybody, under the tables! Those P.
O.
W.
's are locked up out there like sittin' ducks! Father, come back here! Father! Father, come back here! I got him.
Get the rest of those guys out of here.
Corpsman! Couple more.
Corpsman! Real gently, get him up.
Easy.
Keep him level.
Doctor! Till we get that tank out of here, I want everybody wearing helmets in the compound.
Goldman, get a detail and start sandbagging this building.
- How is he? - He's coming around.
It was just a mild concussion and some skin abrasions.
- I'll know more later.
- Colonel, is everyone all right? They'll be okay.
You're quite a guy, Padre.
- What did he say? - He said you're quite a guy.
What? Why are you both mumbling? - Turn your head.
- I'm having trouble hearing you.
What's wrong with me? - Do you have a ringing or a buzzing in your ears? - Yes, I have.
You may have done some damage to the inner ear.
Tinnitus.
Well, that's not serious, is it? I won't know till I get you a hearing test, but I'm concerned.
Why concerned? If you've damaged the nerve center, you could lose your hearing.
What I'd like to do is get you down to the evac hospital for diagnosis and observation.
They wouldn't send me home because of this, would they? If it doesn't get better, they might.
It depends how bad it gets.
Listen, there are 40 children at Sister Theresa's orphanage.
I bring them food and clothing and medicine.
They depend on me.
I know.
You're the only father they've got.
I'm not leaving here if I have to leave them in the lurch.
I want you to give me your solemn promise that no one except you will know about this.
Okay, Father.
I understand.
This is just between you and me.
- What? - Yes! - It's your move.
- I know.
Oh, MacArthur and Truman are talking again.
Yesterday, he fired him and sent him home.
- You can't do that.
- Yes, I can.
- It's against the rules.
- Yeah? Well, I don't like rules.
MacArthur's always trying to attack China with his king.
- And I don't cheat.
- Yes, you do! I don't! And don't say Shut up! Just be quiet, will you? Will somebody shut these guys up? Jensen! They don't bother me till they start squawking like chickens.
Not that I have anything against chickens personally.
They're a much maligned bird.
I mean, take the common fallacy that chickens are afraid.
Who else has the nerve to run around after you cut their heads off? Have you ever seen a chicken break out in a cold sweat? Have you ever known a chicken to have a weak handshake? I mean, I'll grant you, they're afraid of flying.
In a recent survey, two out of three chickens preferred to take the bus.
But what about their contributions to society, hmm? I mean, just think of the great chickens of history.
It's hard to think of any, isn't it? Chickens take the bus.
As a matter of fact, there was a chicken on the bus.
And it was driving me crazy.
Every time it made a noise, I was sure the Chinese would hear it and find us.
Everybody's life was in danger because of that damn chicken! "Paint garage bright yellow.
" We haven't heard anything about a replacement for me yet, have we? I think the "we" you are referring to is you and Klinger.
- If you don't know, ask him.
- Right.
Mildred can't wait for my retirement.
Sent me a whole list of things we can do together when I get home.
I got a list like that myself.
- You did? - It's funny.
You know what I'm looking forward to the most? All the things I used to avoid Cleaning the garage, clearing out the rain gutters.
- Yeah.
I got that here on Mildred's list.
- Fixing the holes in the screens.
Yep.
Right here.
You got clipping the azaleas? I have to prune the lemon tree.
You know, to some people, things like that can sound pretty boring.
Yeah, look at this list.
Not an interesting thing on it! There was a time when Peg just couldn't get me involved in that stuff.
It didn't seem exciting.
Just one boring thing after another.
I tell you.
Right now, I feel like I could do chores like that for the rest of my life.
Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna be doin' em for the rest of my life.
Hmm.
Chorwon is very close.
You get jeep, we be there in one hour.
We be back by dinnertime.
Soon-Lee, we go to Chorwon, we'll have Chinese food for dinner.
The enemy's all over the place up there.
- Did you find me a surgeon yet? - Don't you read the papers? There's fighting going on.
All the spare doctors are in Kumsong.
Not all of them.
I happen to know Artie Jacobson is sitting around Tokyo with nothing to do.
- Okay, I'll ask him.
- Don't ask him.
Tell him.
I want to go home.
Boy, what a lucky guy.
I'd give anything to be back in Toledo.
Sitting in Packo's with the guys having a beer and eating a dog while the chili sauce drips down your arm.
Course, this is nice too.
No patrol can find them! As soon as they fire off three rounds, they must pack up and move to a new location! What? Oh, yeah.
I understand, Colonel.
"L" Corps.
I am specifically ordered not to touch that tank and it may be days before the owner comes and gets it.
Why don't you just tell 'em this is a hospital? As long as that tank is here, we're a target! Boy, you must think I am the biggest dunce since the monkey wrapped his tail around the flagpole.
Don't you think that's what I told him? I can take care of my job.
You go act like a sergeant! Unless you want to try something lower! Is he any calmer? He was talking a mile a minute the last time I saw him.
We made progress, but we're not done yet.
So do you think I should tell him I'm going home soon? Would that throw him? Good question.
Why don't you just play it by ear? Yeah? - I brought you a present.
- Hi.
Look at you.
Just visiting, or did you get a leak in your beanbag? - I missed you.
- Yeah, me too.
I have to go read a few inkblots.
I'll see you guys later.
I'd have brought the whole still, but it would have been tough to sneak past the guards.
Mmm.
- How's work? - We're keeping busy.
Well, it's a nice location.
You get a lot of drop-in business.
I'll be glad to give it all up to go home.
What makes you think you're going home? Well, you know, eventually.
Someday we're gonna get outta here.
Seems like the whole world has gone by while we've been here.
You know, Erin's second birthday's coming up? Last time I saw her, she was so small, her hand wouldn't fit around my finger.
She wore these little baby booties you could fit into a shot glass.
You know, I wear the same boots I got when I came here.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, I really miss her even though just about the only thing I remember is her big, toothless grin.
Yeah, well, that's the thing, see? Toothless grin? Fingers, boots, shot glasses.
There's a common thread running through all of this.
You could've said twine, toothbrushes, chewing gum under the seat at the theater.
I found chewing gum under the seat at the Rialto in Kennebunkport.
Charles Boyer was trying to drive Ingrid Bergman crazy in Gaslight.
The light's going dim! No, it's not.
You're crazy.
Now, she knew she wasn't going crazy.
The audience knew she wasn't going crazy.
And this French guy is trying to have her put away! Now I'd like to know why! All right, she had a Swedish accent, but we're still talking about an American citizen here.
I wanna know where they get the gall to lock up a surgeon! And I'm talking about the finest surgeon you'll ever see.
- Sidney? - I'll tell you.
They're not keeping me here.
There are people I can call, you know very highly placed people.
- What's up? - Oh, hi.
We were just talking about you.
I'm sorry if I got you a little agitated.
I'm not even miffed yet.
You wanna see agitated? I can be aggravated, infuriated, frustrated, "vexated" and irritated.
Maybe Hawkeye and I should talk alone for a while.
Yes, why don't we do that? Go.
What are you waiting for? I don't know.
I I just thought there might be something we wanted to say to each other before I left.
Tell me next time you see me.
I'm not gonna be here forever.
I can guarantee you that! Yeah.
Well.
I'll see you.
You wanna tell me what you and B.
J.
Were talking about? - Same thing he always talks about.
- What's that? Fingers, smiles, teeth.
- Booties.
- Was there anything about that you found upsetting? No.
I'll tell you what I find upsetting is being in here.
I want you to get me out of here! I don't care how you do it! You can put me on a plane, on a train, on a bus, on a slow boat to China.
I'll go out on a mouse-drawn chariot.
I don't care what! - A bus, huh? - Again with the bus? Why don't you subscribe to Arizona Highways and leave me alone? It's more fun with you.
Keep that damn chicken quiet! Then what happened? Then I went back toward the front of the bus.
What happened next? There's something wrong with it.
It stopped making noise.
It just just stopped.
Sh She killed it! She killed it! She killed the chicken? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I didn't mean for her to kill it.
I did not! I I just wanted it to be quiet! It was It was a baby! She She smothered her own baby! You son of a bitch.
Why did you make me remember that? You had to get it out in the open.
Now we're halfway home.
And then I started thinking.
It's like my Uncle Jameel used to say: If you wanna hide in the desert, you gotta look like sand.
I was already asleep.
I don't need to hear a bunch of Lebanese fairy tales.
Sorry to wake you, Colonel, but we could only do this under the cover of darkness.
Wait a minute, what's this tent doing here where the tank used to be? And to make extra sure, there's a big red cross on the roof too.
You know, we may just fool 'em with this.
It's an old Bedouin trick.
Back in the old country, my Uncle Jameel was a camel rustler.
Dear Dad.
Sorry I haven't written for a while but I've been on R & R at this wonderful resort.
We're planning to have a bridge tournament here as soon as we can find somebody with a full deck.
Dear Dad.
Remember when I was a kid, you always told me if my head wasn't attached to my shoulders, I'd lose it? Well Dear Dad.
For the first time, I understand what a nervous disorder is because it seems I've got one.
I guess I'll be seeing you soon since I doubt if they'll let a surgeon operate whose cheese has slipped off his cracker.
- Time to hit the couch? - Actually, it may be time to hit the road.
How would you feel about moving on? You just have the bellhop bring me my pants, I'll be on my way.
Sidney, it's been a pleasure.
Soon as I get back to Maine I'm gonna have a memorial lobster in your honor, cracked, of course.
How about a little hug for the road? I hate to break this to you, but you're not going home.
You're going back to the 4077.
Does this mean I'm not getting the hug? You're sending a crazy man back to the place where he got crazy in the first place? - Are you out of your mind? - Look, you know, when a soldier reacts to the stress of combat we get him back to his foxhole as soon as we can.
We have to get you right back to the O.
R.
Listen, a couple of days ago, I fell all to pieces in there.
- I thought we had to have more sessions.
- We've had them.
So now you're just dumping me back there again? Well, I'm going to drop in on you from time to time, see how you're doing.
Why don't we compromise? Send me to a foxhole in Crabapple Cove.
You can drop in on me there.
I'm afraid of lobsters.
I'll have the bellhop bring you your pants.
Hi.
Uh, g-good morning.
I wonder if I could lighten your mailbag by one letter.
The name is Winchester, Charles E.
Sorry, Major.
Nobody opens this sack till I get a receipt from your company clerk.
Oh, now, well, see, this is a letter from a hospital.
I don't care if it's from Dr.
Pepper.
I need a receipt.
Dr Pepper.
Uh-huh.
I can get you on a flight out ofTokyo to Guam.
From there, a steamer to Seattle.
Can you get me to Honolulu? I can hitch a flight from there to San Francisco.
What about that boat from, uh, Okinawa to Honolulu? Yeah? Yeah? Kimpo, Okinawa, Honolulu, San Francisco.
That's it! That's it! That's the one I want! But the plane leaves Kimpo in 40 minutes.
- Got anything else? - Oh, come on! What is this? - I don't care! Be creative! - There is your company clerk.
- Now can I please have my mail? - Sign here.
- One second.
One second.
- Can you get me to Midway? Wait a minute.
I'm still working on Honolulu.
Sergeant, come on.
I'm due in Kimpo in 20 minutes.
Kimpo? Wait a minute.
You got room for a passenger? Yeah, I got room, but I gotta leave right away.
- You give me 10 minutes, I'll meet you on the chopper pad.
- Five.
- You got it.
Klinger? - You got it.
Kimpo.
- Klinger, sign.
- Corporal, get me that flight from Kimpo.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Five minutes? I haven't got your replacement yet.
Jacobson's due here first thing in the morning.
This is the only connection I could get.
Oh, what the heck.
Send me a piece of birthday cake.
Thank you.
- Look, I This is not the way I wanted to - Go! You're fighting the clock.
- Captain, you're on the flight.
I even got you a window seat.
- Oh, Klinger, you're - I'm really gonna - That's how I feel, sir.
Captain, I'm leaving here at - Whoo-hoo! - I gotta leave a note for Hawkeye.
Give me a piece of paper and a pencil.
Charles - Charles - Here you are, sir.
Better hurry.
I got the job! Someone on the board gave me a rousing endorsement.
- Charles, I've got to go.
- Fine, fine.
Yes, you do that.
Thanks, Charles.
Yahoo! I'm going home! Bob, I'm going home! I'm going home! Kell, I'm goin' home.
I'm goin' home! Whoo-hoo! Hoo, hoo! I'm goin' home! Hawk Uh Uh - Captain.
- Right, right, right.
Here, uh, throw some of this stuff in that suitcase for me, will ya? Get everything in that bag that you can.
I'll try not to wrinkle your shorts.
You're leaving and you didn't say good-bye? Well, you know how insensitive I can be.
Hunnicutt, when people share a tent for such a long time, they can become quite close.
Of course, that didn't happen in our case.
But there is such a thing as common courtesy.
Charles, there's a kid in post-op with a perforated descending colon.
- Check him for fever, okay? - Certainly.
Anything else? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, there is.
But I better handle it myself.
- Father! Father! I'm leaving now.
- What? You're leaving? I've just got a minute.
I want to check your ears before I go.
- What do you hear? - I hear your watch ticking.
- What do you hear in that ear? - Same thing, your watch.
Really? I just put it in my pocket.
Well, in that case, I couldn't hear it in the other ear, either.
Your hearing is not improving.
I think it's getting worse.
In a few weeks, you may not be able to hear at all.
You gotta go home.
You're going home to your child.
My children are still here.
Let's go, Doc.
It's now or never.
- Look, Father - Come on.
I gotta make it to Kimpo.
I can't wait.
I'm coming.
So long, Father.
Good-bye, B.
J.
God bless you.
And thank you.
Hey, look, put this in the chopper for me, will you? I'll just be a second.
Margaret, I got a flight at the last minute.
I'm leaving.
Leaving? Now? Will you talk to Hawkeye for me? I tried to leave him a note.
- There's just too much to say.
- Oh, I I I wanted to give you a big send-off.
Okay, go! Colonel? Colonel, this just came in the mail.
Captain Hunnicutt's travel orders have been rescinded.
What should I do? Now what was all that, son? I couldn't hear you over the chopper.
Nothing, sir.
I guess it's too late now.
By the way, if we get any mail from "I" Corps, put it on my desk.
- I'll look at it in, oh, an hour or so.
- Right, sir.
Everybody hug a sandbag! Get out of my way! - I thought you said you had everything under control? I did.
Even I was fooled by that tent.
I almost delivered mail there.
Well, it didn't fool them.
They know that tank's here someplace.
They ain't seen it driven out in the daytime and they ain't heard it driven out at night.
Okay, that's three.
Get "I" Corps on the phone.
Time to kick some ear.
After that, I want you to send out this telegram here.
There.
Hello, Sparky, get me headquarters, "I" Corps.
You want to express your gratitude to who Dr.
Tearbug? Torborg.
It's Dr.
Torborg.
Chief Administrator, Boston Mercy Hospital.
- You're kissing up the wrong tree.
- I beg your pardon.
Yeah, "I" Corps? This is MASH 4077.
Tank towing, please.
- This ain't the guy who got you your job.
- And how would you know? Because Major Houlihan sent her telegram to a whole other guy.
- What do you mean she sent a telegram? - Who's this? Good.
Hang on to your treads.
Colonel Potter wants to say a few obscene words to you.
You're on, Colonel! I mean, she recommended you to her uncle - who's not her uncle, but he runs the hospital.
- You mean Dr.
Robert Harwell? - Uncle Bob! - What? - What? - Gee! Don't get so choked up about it.
- You want me to change Tearbug to Uncle Bob? - How dare See you at the next shelling.
I'm not sure I feel right about getting back into surgery, Sidney.
- Why not? - I don't know.
The thought, "What if something goes wrong?" never occurred to me.
Now I'm thinking that a lot.
Actually, that's a pretty good sign that you're ready to go back.
I'll see you soon.
So long, guys.
Good.
They made up.
- Valentinetti.
- Oh, how about me? Me! - Robinson.
- Whoo! - Phipps.
- Oh, good.
It's what I've been waiting for.
Snider.
Charles, I just got another letter from my father! And guess what! He's lined up an even better assignment for me.
Listen to this.
He says forget Tokyo.
He knows somebody who can get me assigned to NATO Headquarters in Belgium.
Isn't that great? Of course, Dad says I should write a tactful letter to his friend backing out of the other job in Tokyo.
Hmm.
Gee, that's kinda tricky.
Maybe you could help me with that.
You're good with words.
Oh, I don't know, Margaret.
You don't seem to have any problem using words.
You know what's funny? I already sent away for Japanese language records.
And now I'm gonna have to change them to Flemish.
- What are you doing? - Packing.
The minute this war is over, I intend to be ready.
By the way, I believe you still have my copy of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnets from the Portuguese.
- Oh, I love it.
- Do you? Let me count the ways.
I trust I may count on its return? - Oh.
I sort of thought you hated it.
- I do.
I loathe it.
It's romantic drool.
A book that could only be read in a bad painting.
- But you want it back.
- Well, it is a volume three of a four-volume set.
Without volume three, the set would have all the charm of a smile with a missing tooth.
I would have returned it to you sooner, Charles but the book has come to mean an awful lot to me.
Oh, well, Margaret, I'm sure you'll find something else that moves you just as much.
The literary world is filled with romantic claptrap.
I'll get it right back to you, Charles.
Maybe I'm better off without it.
Being sentimental can lead you to do things that you later regret.
Soon-Lee? Soon-Lee? What? Uh, I am looking for Soon-Lee.
She's gone? S- Soon-Lee is gone? - She She didn't go to Chorwon? She could get killed.
Chorwon? All right, look, okay.
Okay, th-thanks.
Thanks anyway, all right? - Uh - Huh? Oh, yeah, sure.
Here, you take it.
And take this too.
Enjoy.
Enjoy.
Uh, gentlemen, uh, one bar before, uh, 120.
Ready? Four for nothing.
One, two, three and Wait.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Dolce.
Dolce.
Dolce.
Espressivo.
Uh, here.
Just like that.
See, gently, softly, sweetly.
- Dolce.
And - Here's your book.
Stick it in your shelf.
- I happen to be rehearsing here.
- You also happen to be self-centered - inconsiderate and ungrateful.
- Ungrateful? I just heard from Klinger you got the position you wanted in Boston.
- Did you? - I did.
He also told me that you knew I sent a telegram to my Uncle Bob.
- Did he? - He did.
And you knew that when you asked me to return that book? - Indeed, I did.
- How could you when you knew I got you that job? - You did not get me that job.
- I helped.
Margaret, I happen I happen to have a reputation.
I have a certain standing in the medical profession.
I do not need the help of a nurse.
Oh, you're It's a good thing I'm a lady or you'd need a nurse, buster.
I should have known better than to help somebody who has no regard for other people! - I have no regard for other people? - No! None! None! You play your records all night! I hear them halfway across the compound! I got down on my knees in O.
R.
And I scraped plaster off the floor.
- Right! - Did I get any thanks? Thanks? Why should I thank you? You were the one who put it there in the first place! What about the time you went to Tokyo, I had to deliver your lecture for you? - Was that being ungrateful? - You wouldn't do it for me unless I promised I would buy a record by that Schnabel guy.
You still owe me that record! You happen to be very, very insensitive, Margaret.
You walk into O.
R.
Wearing so much perfume that the patients don't need anaesthesia! - I am a complete professional in O.
R.
- Oh.
Unlike some people I know who do not know how to obey the slightest rules of maintaining sterility.
- Oh, no, you don't.
We settled that a long time ago.
- I know what I saw! - You saw nothing because that did not happen! - You touched your nose! - You couldn't keep your hands off of it! - I did not touch my nose! - You are obsessed with your nose! You have a nasal obsession! - Just a minute! In the middle of an operation, you rubbed your nose like it was some kind of good luck charm! I do not rub on my nose! - Look at it sometimes! It's covered with fingerprints! You're in love with your nose! Do you put it in dresses and take it out to bars, huh? How dare you! Quiet! Looks like it'll all be over before too long, huh, Captain? - Not a century too soon.
- Hey, look at that.
"Hawk was gone, now he's here.
Dance till dawn, give a cheer.
Burma Shave.
" Pull over! Pull over! Pierce, good to see you.
Why don't you start on the bus? - Yeah, okay.
- You feel up to it? - Yeah, sure.
- Good.
It's a hell of a load for me and Winchester.
- Where's B.
J.
? - You just missed him.
He went home.
Go ahead.
You got customers.
Did you call for a litter? Can we have some help with the ambulance? Get thosejeeps moved out ofhere.
We got no room.
Help! Help! Nurse, please.
I know you're suffering.
I'll help you right after All right, get some bandages over here! - Hang in there.
- I need a corpsman to take this out ofhere.
Jacobson was supposed to be here yesterday.
Where is he? What do you mean you rescinded his orders? I told you Hunnicutt left the country.
Listen, I am talking to you from my O.
R.
I need a surgeon so bad I don't have time to leave the room to tell you how bad I need a surgeon! There are skirmishes all over the place.
We're working on boys right now who have retaken Chorwon four times in the past couple of days.
Good.
You do that.
I'm done, Klinger.
Slam down the phone for me.
They're gonna do what they can.
- Doctor, he's under.
- Yeah, right.
- How are you doing? - Fine.
What could be wrong? I'm about to stick my hands into a kid whose insides look like a raw meat loaf I just found out my best friend went home without leaving me so much as a note.
He really felt bad about that.
Trapper left without leaving a note too.
Is it the war that stinks or me? - How you doing, Pierce? - Swimmingly.
Can I get you an instrument? Yeah.
That would be a good way to start.
Scalpel.
You and I have something in common.
I just had my head in a cast.
Are there any more out there? - He's the last one.
After this, we can take a break.
- Okay.
- Get him in this wheelchair.
- Hey, buddy, you came from Chorwon? - Yeah.
Why? - Our side's got it now, right? - Yeah.
For now.
- Did you see a Korean woman there? Short? Dark hair? - You're kidding, right? - I'm never gonna find out this way.
Okay, get him into post-op.
See you later.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
- You holding up okay? - All things considered - Most things considered.
- There are double sandbags in O.
R.
Come on.
Klinger! - Klinger, what are you doin'? - I'm taking a ride in the countryside.
You can't take that unless I sign you out! They'll bust me right down to my socks! Then come over here and sign me out! Have a nice trip.
Okay, that's three.
Let's see if there's any damage.
That was a hell of a short intermission.
I didn't even have time to buy an orange drink.
I'm looking for the Han family.
Han! Soon-Lee! Anybody recognize that name? Soon-Lee.
Soon-Lee? I thought we had a system here.
They fire three rounds and they move on.
Wait a minute.
What happened to that pattern they had of firing off three rounds - and then going away? - Good question again.
Aren't those idiots afraid of being spotted? I guess they figure the tank's worth the risk.
- Or maybe they brought in a second mortar squad.
- Or maybe a third.
- Well, the "mortar" merrier.
Don't you know you could get killed up here? So could you too.
Why you come here? You go back.
I look for my parents.
I can take care of myself.
Every day I see them carry in people who can take care of themselves.
I'm not gonna let that happen to you.
Soon-Lee, please, come back to the camp with me.
Please.
I go look in Sibyon-ni.
They may be there.
When I figured out you came up here, I I realized I might never see you again.
And it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.
I guess for you worrying about your folks must be a 24-hour kick in the stomach.
I'll take you to Sibyon-ni.
We'll look together.
No.
The shelling is even worse there.
I couldn't let you go without me.
You could get hurt.
Come on.
- No.
I not let you come with me.
- Why? I not want to lose you too.
- I promise you we'll find them.
I'll call everywhere.
I promise.
Okay, boys and girls, time to do something intelligent.
Since I seem to be the only intelligent person here, I nominate me.
- All in favor, say aye.
- Take your seat, Pierce.
Uh-uh.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I can take umbrage, I can take the cake I can take the "A" train, I can take two and call me in the morning but I cannot take this sitting down.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five.
- Pierce! - Hey! - Pierce, come back here! - Pierce! - Pierce! - Hawkeye! - What's the matter with you? - Right now! Come back here! What is he What is he doing? - Pierce, what do you think you're - What's the matter - Pierce! - Pierce! He can't drive that.
Does anybody know if Pierce, stop it! Stop it! Pierce! - Oh, no, no, no! Turn left! - No! No! No! Hey, we're saved! I don't know why I always have to take out the trash.
Whoo! I wonder if his discharge from the hospital was a bit premature? I'm putting in a call to Sidney.
Well, Soph, I think it's safe for you to come back now.
We kept your room just the way you left it.
Looks like it's really gonna be over soon.
Sophie, this ain't easy for me to tell ya but I can't take you home with me.
I sure will miss you.
And I have a feeling you'll miss me too, won't ya? I guess we'll both be homebodies from now on.
I'll be weeding Mildred's nasturtiums you'll probably wind up dragging some farmer's plow.
Well, that's good, solid work.
I'm sure you'll get plenty of love.
Just don't look for a lot of excitement.
Colonel, look at that sunset.
What a beautiful ending for a beautiful day.
- Yeah, it'd be a nice sunset if it was setting over there.
- What do you mean? Ever since I've been around, the sun's always set in the west.
- Then what's that? - Once saw that same kind of glow in the Ardennes forest.
Next day there wasn't any forest left.
You better get on the phone to "I" Corps.
If that fire is headed this way, we're headed out.
It was started by incendiary bombs.
It's coming straight at us.
Bug out! All personnel, bug out! Get those wounded on the bus! Bring that truck over here for the P.
O.
W.
's! And I need a vehicle for the refugees! We're taking them with us! Come on! Snap into it! Come on! Come on! Come on! Easy! Easy! Watch it! Watch it! Careful! Careful! Careful! Put him down! Put him down! All right! Come on, go, go! Come on, go! Well, it's about time.
Did you catch the guy's name? No.
All they said was your new surgeon will be coming in on the evac chopper.
I hope he's got fast hands.
I got as far as Guam and all flights are canceled.
Nothing going in or out.
I'm sitting there in this crummy officers club and this guy comes up to me and says "You Hunnicutt the doctor?" Now, I didn't like the sound of that, so I said "No, not me, pal.
I'm Hunnicutt the chaplain.
" He says, "Well, Chaplain, you better start praying for a miracle because you're going back to Korea to do surgery.
" I was a third of the way home.
When I was screaming for a surgeon, I sure didn't think they were gonna dig you up.
Yeah.
Hey, you're looking a lot better than the last time I saw you.
- How you feeling? - In the pink.
Uh, I wanted to leave you a note before I left.
I just didn't have the time.
I didn't even know you were gone.
I thought you were in the bathroom.
Sure is great to be back.
Where is this anyway? No, no, no, no! Hey, hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Dolce! Ohh! Dolce! Dolce! The Chinese have been torturing Winchester for a week now.
Soon-Lee? Max.
I called Sibyon-ni, and they haven't see 'em.
- But I'll try the towns around there next.
- Oh, thank you, Max.
Listen, remember how I told you I used to wear dresses to try to get out of the army? - Yes.
- Well, I saved a couple.
I I brought one over.
Oh, good.
I always wanted to see you in one.
Ah.
This is kind of a special dress.
I'd kind of like to see you in it.
Y- You want me to wear funeral dress? Oh, no.
See, in America, white is for weddings.
Oh, Max.
I love you, Soon-Lee.
Will you marry me? - Yes.
- Ohh! That's great.
You'll love my folks.
And they'll be nuts about you.
We'll throw a wedding that'll run for a week.
It'll be the first one Toledo ever had in English, Korean and Lebanese.
Max, I I cannot leave Korea until first I find my family.
That could take months, years.
I got to find them, no matter how long it takes.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Three-legged races, ball games, maybe get a barbecue going.
I'djust love to get those children out of the orphanage for a few hours.
- Yeah, I know.
It's great.
- What? - Great.
- Yeah.
Boy, how do you do it? Nobody seems to know you can't hear except me.
Well, I hear bits and pieces, and for the rest of it, I nod a lot.
- Mmm.
It must be tough.
- Huh? - Just nod, Father.
- Mmm.
Come on, kick it, kick it, kick it! That was wonderful! That was great! We won! Sidney, welcome! Isn't this wonderful? Just look at those glowing faces! - Not to mention yours.
- Uh-huh.
- B.
J.
- Hey, Sid.
Get your red-hot hot dogs.
Folks, can I have your attention? I need Captain Hunnicutt.
Would the hot dog man please get his buns over here? - What's going on? - Get over there.
Now, as you all know, Hunnicutt would rather be back in the states celebrating his daughter Erin's birthday.
Well, we thought we might be able to do something by proxy.
As it turns out, little Kim here has the same birthday as Erin Hunnicutt.
- Hi.
- So, look at this.
Oh! Beautiful! Do you want to blow out some candles? Here we go.
Ohh! Look at that.
This is great.
Where'd you find a kid with the same birthday as Erin? Well, we didn't really.
The aren't any records on most of these kids.
With so many of them, we don't know who their parents were or where they come from.
So we just decided to find a little girl who was about two years old and make it her day.
We don't really know when she was born.
What better birthday present to get than your own birthday.
Hi, sailor.
Hi.
I saw you come in.
Does the fact that you're here mean I'm not all there? I heard you took a tank for a spin.
Everybody was getting shelled on account of that tank, and I got rid of it.
You call that crazy? Actually, that might have been the sensible thing to do.
But I am curious about why you walked away from that kid just now.
Yeah, well, maybe you got me there.
I was looking at her and all of a sudden I noticed I had a butterfly collection loose in my stomach.
Being around little kids makes me uncomfortable these days.
- I guess that's something we have to work on.
- Mmm.
What else have you been going through? Yesterday, I spent a year in the operating room.
I was up to my ankles in panic.
I'm a little out of control, Sidney.
Surgery used to be like falling of a log.
Now it's more like falling off a cliff.
You know, just because you're a doctor doesn't mean you're supposed to be perfect.
- Your patients aren't.
- Yeah.
They have pain, they're afraid.
Actually, they're probably better off if you know how they feel.
Might make being a surgeon a little harder but it might make you a better doctor.
Well, anyway, that's something to think about.
- I can't sleep.
- Well, then you should take something.
No.
If I sleep, then I talk.
If I don't talk, I think.
I think too fast.
If I could just slow down my thinking.
I just think too fast, that's all.
I don't think we have to make a big deal out of this, you know? So I think too fast and I'm afraid of children.
That's That's not That's not terrible.
Hey, hey, what are you doing? Where are you taking these people? I gotta get 'em to a relocation center, Major.
By the line.
As soon as the truce is signed, these guys gotta be ready for the big switch.
- We're swapping their prisoners for ours.
- Yes.
Fine.
Just leave me five of them.
Him, him, him, him and, uh, him.
Sorry, Major.
They all go.
Well, you can't! Not yet! I've come too close to stop now.
Okay, move out! Ladies and gentlemen five minutes ago at 10.
01 this morning the truce was signed in Panmunjom.
The hostilities will end The war is over! Yea, the war is over! Yea, the war is over! Move over! Get over! Come on! This way! Bring them this way.
We've got wounded here.
Give me that flask.
Quickly.
Here.
Here you go.
All right, listen up! We operate on the ones that can't wait.
Those that can wait, we take 'em with us.
"L" Corps wants us back in Ouijongbu right away.
- Hunnicutt, take a look at that boy over there.
- All right.
Corpsman! Does this look like peace to you? Get him up.
Corpsman! Oh gee.
Okay, let's get to work.
Let's start cleaning up.
- I've got fresh sponges.
- Put 'em down right there.
It is now 2:00 p.
m.
In exactly eight hours, the Korean War will be officially over.
- It's a time for summing up - Suture.
And these are the most up-to-date figures we have.
The cost of the war to the United States has been placed at $22 billion.
Don't look at me.
I only get 300 a month.
In human terms, the cost was much greater.
The U.
N.
Forces have suffered the following casualties.
Killed in combat, 71,500.
Missing and captured, 83,263.
Wounded, 250,000.
- Make that 250,001.
- And two.
- Three.
- Four.
And there's 12 more out in the hall.
On the communist side were killed or wounded.
The war also killed This is not a good place to have a career as an innocent bystander.
If you add it all up, it comes to more than Now that's what I call a grand total.
In addition, one fourth of all Koreans are homeless and 100,000 are orphans.
What did he say? How many orphans? Dear God.
Sir.
Can I ask you something of a personal nature? Well, in another minute, I gotta go back in and pick up my scalpel.
Do you understand women? Oh, what I understand about women will take a lot less than a minute.
I thought when the war was over, it'd be the happiest day of my life.
But everything's all messed up.
Now I'm in love, and I got nothin' but trouble.
Listen, when you're in love, you're always in trouble.
There's only two things you can do about it.
Either stop lovin' 'em or love 'em a whole lot more.
But if you love 'em a whole lot more won't that just get you a lot more trouble? Yup.
Then you love 'em even more.
Boy, that sounds tough.
It's murder.
A big glass of fresh, ice-cold milk.
Ooh! For me, a banana.
And, of course what's a banana without a piece of chocolate cake? What are you laughing at? It's wonderful.
It is.
It's delicious.
I'm gonna take a three-hour bubble bath.
- Oh, yeah.
- How about you, Colonel? - What's the first thing you want when you get home? - Well, I like fresh corn.
I mean, real fresh corn.
So I think maybe I'll just take a hot plate out to the garden, make a pot of boiling water.
Then I won't even pick that corn.
I'll bend that stalk, till the ear dips into the water and I'll eat it right there standin' up.
Scrumptious! How about you, Charles? What are you looking forward to? I am looking forward to a hemostat.
Hemostat.
There's no need to bite my head off.
- Sponge.
- Sponge.
You know, I just don't see why some people can't be grateful if other people try to help them.
- Don't you? - I think a person is lucky if somebody cares enough to help.
Where would I be without my father's help? Where indeed? He's pulling you in three different directions.
If you get any luckier, there's gonna be a piece of you in every corner of the world.
Maybe some people just can't feel gratitude.
Maybe some people like having other people run their lives.
But some people don't.
But although we are well past the halfway point in these final 12 hours both sides continue heavy artillery shelling.
Further bulletins as they arrive.
- Want a sandwich? - What's in it? Let's see.
Cucumbers, watercress, a little French mayonnaise.
- Is the crust cut off? - No.
Forget it.
I tell you, one thing I'm not gonna miss is bologna.
Or standing in line to take a cold shower.
I'm not gonna miss that either.
How about you? What are you not gonna miss? Lice dysentery rats.
There's nothing here I'm gonna miss except you.
Yeah, well, we'll get to see each other.
How? You'll be on one coast and I'll be on the other.
Letters, phone calls.
Maybe a surgical convention.
- Can you picture either one of us at a convention? No, I guess not.
We'll never see each other again.
- Look, one year Erin and Peg and I'll come east.
- One year.
Yeah, and, um And we'll get together and, um - Have dinner.
- Yeah.
In other words, good-bye.
- It's not good-bye.
- It is good-bye.
What's the big deal? - Just say good-bye.
- What do you want me to say it for? It shows you know I'm going.
What would you do if I was dying? Hold me and let me die in your arms or just let me lay there and bleed? What are you talking about? You're not dying.
You don't even have a cold.
- Come on.
Just a little "so long.
" - I'm gonna get back to the O.
R.
Good-bye.
See you later.
President Eisenhower is expected to ask for an emergency relief fund of $200 million to rebuild the war-torn Korean economy.
Another 200 million may be allocated for the reinforcement of the Vietnam army in its war against communism in Southeast Asia.
It is now three hours before the cessation ofhostilities.
- Vietnam, where's that? - Southeast Asia, he said.
Sorry to interrupt your peace bulletin, folks but we got wounded in the compound.
We need a surgeon for triage.
- Looks like it's all over but the shooting.
- Who's free? I'll go.
That is, if it's all right with you.
All right.
We'll take him second.
- What else you got? - This P.
O.
W.
Over here.
He was in the back of the truck when it was hit.
Half his chest is gone.
Does he even have a pulse? Oh, God, no.
Is there anything we can do for him, Doctor? Doctor? He wasn't even a soldier.
He was a musician.
What happened to the other people in the truck with him? He's the only one that made it this far.
Major, we have to prep the others.
Why don't you take a break? Okay.
Come on! Hurry up! He's still bleeding.
Come on.
Watch your back, Lieutenant.
- Compound fracture! - I lost him.
Hey, wake up, will ya! Better pay attention, Father.
You wanna go home in one piece.
Dear Lord I know there must be a reason for this.
But what is it? I answered the call to do your work.
I've devoted my life to it, and now how am I supposed to do it? Lord, what good am I now? What good is a deaf priest? I've prayed to you to help me and every day I get worse.
Are you deaf too? Okay, I'm done here.
Give me another body.
Somebody got a gown and some gloves? - How you doin', Doc? - I'm just barely getting through it.
Congratulations.
Who could hope for more? - Comin' in.
- Got it.
He's right here.
Oh, my God.
She was thrown into a ditch during the shelling.
She can't be more than eight years old.
- Pressure's dropping.
- Over here.
Pierce.
You wanna switch with me? I'll take her.
No, I'll take her.
Sidney.
Thanks.
My pleasure.
Well, if you folks can spare me, I'll be going.
I think there are places I can be of more use.
I'd give you that hug now, but I'm, uh, kind of busy.
That's okay.
Save it for her.
- See you.
- Bye, Doctor.
- Take it easy.
- So long, Sidney.
You know, I told you people something a long time ago and it's just as pertinent today as it was then.
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
This is Robert Pierpoint speaking to you from Panmunjom.
It's one minute before 10:00 p.
m.
We can still hear the sound of nearby artillery.
At some point during the next few seconds, the guns should go silent as the cease-fire officially goes into effect.
There it is.
That's the sound of peace.
Scalpel.
Can we have some more hemostats, please? Wonderful.
Wonderful.
I'm so glad.
I'm still your C.
O.
For a few more hours so when I go like this You go like this.
Now, you wanna take your seats, please.
Tomorrow the tents of the 4077 will be coming down for good.
Uh, for an awful long time we've been living together, eating together Sleeping together.
Well, I wouldn't know.
I have a horse.
Anyway, since this is our last evening together I've been wondering what your lives will be like when all this is over.
I thought it might be a good idea for each one of us to get up and tell everybody what we'll be doing next.
- You ought to go first, Colonel.
Huh? - Yes.
Well there's a woman back in Hannibal, Missouri who's spent the better part of 30 years waiting for me to come home from one tour of duty or another.
She's had to learn to do an awful lot on her own.
Now I'm going home to see if she can show me how to do it with her.
So, uh, part of the time, I'll be a semi-retired country doctor but, uh, most of the time I'll be Mrs.
Potter's Mr.
Potter.
Aw, that's nice.
All right, who's next? Me, me.
Well, I put in to be assigned to Tripler Army Hospital in Honolulu to be with my family who I I really miss.
And I just wanna say that I I love you all.
Well, um, I don't love you all.
Some of you still owe me money.
Which I really need it 'cause I plan to open up a business when I get back to Louisiana.
Big money in this.
I'm gonna breed frogs for French restaurants.
Here, go buy yourself a frog.
When I, uh, graduated from medical school I couldn't wait for the, uh the action of a big city hospital.
But now I'm not so sure action's all it's cracked up to be.
In fact, neither is cracking up.
So I think I'd like to take it easy for a while.
I don't wanna just have a bunch of anonymous patients parade through my office.
I'd like to maybe, uh talk with them for a few minutes and get to know who they are.
So I think, for now, I'll be very happy just, uh getting Crabapple Cove to say ah.
And I can't say that I've loved you all either.
But I've loved as many of you as I could.
I'm goin' back to Colorado.
My father-in-law's got a ranch there.
I wanna see if I can get into radiology.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Well, as you know, I was all set to go back to Mill Valley to Peg and Erin and all that but I'll tell you, I had the best time on Guam.
I met this cookie at the airport bar and she begged me to run off with her.
And I figured, what the hell? You only live once, you know? I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
Just kidding.
He's just kidding.
That's all.
I'm gonna do something where people don't yell at me when I put the food down in front of'em.
I'm gonna be a pig farmer.
What do you mean "gonna be"? Well, I I was a nurse at the tail end of World War II.
And now this.
And you wanna know something? I've had it.
I was anxious to get back to being in a parish and coaching boxing for the C.
Y.
O.
But lately, I've gotten kind of interested in working with the deaf.
Of course, not doing parish work, I'll miss hearing confession.
But after listening to you people for so long I think I've just about heard it all.
- I'm gonna stick with the army.
- I'd really like to live in Washington.
I'm gonna see if I can work at Walter Reed.
What about you, Winchester? Well, I'm gonna be, uh head of thoracic surgery at Boston Mercy Hospital.
So my life will go on pretty much as I expected.
With one exception.
For me, music was always a refuge from this miserable experience.
And now it will always be a reminder.
So I'm going to stay in nursing but I wanna be in maternity or pediatrics.
After all this, I think it would be nice to help bring people into the world.
I wanna be an officer, so I'm gonna try and get into O.
C.
S.
Then I'm gonna be the best darn nurse Oklahoma's ever seen.
Well, for the next few days I'll be helping with the consolidation of the 8063rd.
And then after a little furlough I'll be going on to my next assignment.
- Tokyo, right? - Wrong.
Belgium.
You're both wrong.
I've always looked to my father for guidance.
When he makes up his mind about something he does it no matter what anybody says.
And that's what I'm gonna do.
What I've wanted to do all along work in the states in a hospital.
There's a lot of my father in me.
It's never been his way to tell people how he feels about them.
So I guess that's why I never told my nursing staff what I told other people about you.
It's been an honor and a privilege to have worked with you.
And I'm very, very proud to have known you.
I planned something, but it kind of fell through.
- I guess you notice Soon-Lee isn't here tonight.
- Yeah.
It's because she had a lot of things to take care of 'cause we've decided to get married.
- Congratulations! - I had to cut through a lot of red tape but I got permission.
The only problem is, she won't leave Korea until she finds her family.
So Boy, I don't believe I'm sayin' this.
I'm stayin' in Korea.
You don't have to act crazy now.
We're all getting out.
Here's how I figure it.
If you love somebody, you got nothin' but trouble.
So you either stop lovin' em or you love 'em a whole lot more.
You know, that's very profound.
But the first thing I'm gonna do is have a wedding ceremony with my family.
- I thought you weren't going back to Toledo.
- No, I mean with this family.
With you guys.
We can do it tomorrow before everybody goes.
Colonel, would you be our best man? I'd be honored, son.
Here's to the happy couple.
May they have a long, wonderful life filled with love and peace.
And so may we all.
- Here, here.
- Amen.
Because the best of marriages are always founded on true friendship and the fact that this is only the first of two ceremonies is a symbol, I think, of the respect that you have for your families and for each other.
I hope you will cherish and hold on to that respect throughout your lives.
It will be your bond and your freedom.
- Can we have the ring, please? - Oh.
Comin' right up.
Do you, Soon-Lee, take Maxwell to be your lawfully wedded husband to love, honor and cherish to have and to hold from this day forward in sickness and in health, till death do you part? I do.
And do you, Maxwell take Soon-Lee to be your lawfully wedded wife to love, honor and cherish to have and to hold from this day forward in sickness and in health till death do you part? You bet I do.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Max, Max, your limo's waiting.
Oh, yeah, right.
Soon-Lee, our limo.
Thank you, everybody.
- Good luck to all of you.
- Good luck to you.
Write sometime.
I'll be lookin' forward to it.
Thanks for your help, Father.
Francis John Patrick Mulcahy.
Remember that if you name any children after me.
I hope you find your family very soon.
Thank you.
Well, good-bye, Klinger.
I know there have been times when I've yelled at you and called you names.
It's all right, Major.
I know you didn't mean it.
Oh, well, I wouldn't go that far.
I know you didn't mean that either.
So long, Major.
Max, in years to come, when I tell Erin about all this there are some things she's just not gonna believe.
So, uh, would you autograph this for me? Ah, it's one of my favorites.
I was always a sucker for crinolines.
I hope I get to come to your wedding.
- Take it easy.
- Okay, sir.
Klinger, with your penchant for scams, I have no doubt that in no time at all, you will own this country.
And you can have it.
Thanks, Major.
If I'm ever in Beantown, I'll look you up.
Oh, gee.
Unfortunately, uh, I'll be out of town then.
Uh-huh.
So long, kiddo.
I'm gonna miss you.
Me too, Captain.
I'm sure glad you're feelin' okay now.
Couldn't be better.
Honk, honk! You have to have that tuned.
- Good-bye, sir.
- Good-bye, son.
Take care of yourself.
I hope she finds her family.
- Good-bye! - I'll miss you! - Come on! Throw the bouquet! - Throw the bouquet! - Bye! - Oh, look at that.
All aboard for the 8063rd! Wait a minute.
I'm taking my hometown home.
Come on.
I got it! Honolulu! Let me have Coney Island! Bye! Bye-bye! Father, I saved you a spot next to the ambulance driver.
It's pullin' out.
And I got a jeep right over here for Major Houlihan and Major Winchester.
You know, Father the first time I met you, I thought, "Here's this nice decent guy.
"Kind of sweet and gentle, you know? How's he ever gonna last out here?" I gotta tell you, you're just about the toughest bird I know.
Well, I'm certainly a lot luckier than some of the people we've seen come through here.
- Father, I'll see you at the 8063rd.
- Uh, what? Well, good-bye, Father.
I must say, you have made this hellhole a trifle less unbearable.
It certainly is.
What? What? So long, Francis.
You've been a godsend.
Well, look on the bright side.
When they tell us we have to do time in purgatory we can all say, "No, thanks.
I've done mine.
" Sherman.
Father, I may never see you again, and before you go there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time.
- Your shirt's on backwards.
- Uh.
Good-bye, everybody.
I'll pray for you.
- Okay, Major, pile on.
- As what? A hood ornament? I'm sorry, Major.
The rest of this stuff can go on the truck.
I'll catch up with it.
No, Margaret.
Margaret, you stay with your belongings.
If you leave them with the army, you'll never see them again.
You go ahead.
Go in the jeep.
I'm sure Sergeant Rizzo will find me another mode.
Well, I'll go take a look, but we ain't got too many modes left, Major.
Hmm.
Actually, uh, Margaret, I'm taking too many things myself.
I wonder if you would tuck one more item in with you.
Thank you, Charles.
Thank you, Margaret.
Hold on to that arm, Charles.
We want to kiss it too.
You take the arm.
I got dibs on what's left.
- So long, Margaret.
- I hope someday I find someone like you.
I hope so too.
You deserve the best.
Good-bye, Margaret.
I know you've got your career in order but don't forget to have a happy life too.
You're a dear, sweet man.
I'll never forget you.
So, uh, listen Yeah.
- Well, so long.
- See you.
Timber! How I wish I could have swung the ax.
Just think of all the rats who are homeless now.
Oh, don't worry.
You'll find somewhere to go.
Excuse me, Major.
I got some transportation for you but it ain't exactly a sedan.
- As long as it's got wheels.
- Oh, what a sport.
So long, Major.
You can be proud of the work you've done here.
You're a fine surgeon.
Well, thank you, sir.
As are you.
Shortly, I will be in a position of authority over other surgeons and I hope I will be guided by the memory of your wisdom and your gentle good humor.
Well, that's very kind of you, Charles.
I'm sure you've got an even bigger compliment for me, Charles - but let's not get gooey.
- I want to thank you both.
You have made me realize what going home is all about.
Major, I hope you don't mind ridin'in a garbage truck but it's the last vehicle I got.
Not at all.
What better way to leave a garbage dump? Don't slip.
There's gunk on these runnin' boards.
Gentlemen.
So, how are you gettin' out of here, Colonel? Oh, I've got my transportation over yonder.
There's a jeep meeting me at the orphanage.
I'll take one last ride on Sophie.
Then, at the padre's request, I'm givin' her to the orphans.
They can use her for farming and maybe take her for a ride now and then.
She's real good with kids.
Well, boys, it would be hard to call what we've been through fun but I'm sure glad we went through it together.
You boys always managed to give me a good laugh right when I needed it most.
Never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.
R.
Of course I had to pretend I was mad at you, but inside I was laughin' to beat all hell.
Yeah, I'm laughing just thinking about it.
I love a good laugh like this.
I better get out of here.
Colonel, before you go We've been thinking about it, and there's a little something we'd like to give you.
It's not much, but it comes from the heart.
- Sounds like my cab is here.
- Yeah.
So Come on.
I'll give you a ride up there.
Look, I know how tough it is for you to say good-bye, so I'll say it.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe we will see each other again.
But just in case we don't I want you to know how much you've meant to me.
I'll never be able to shake you.
Whenever I see a big pair of feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.
Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of you.
And the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor.
And when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss you a lot.
I can't imagine what this place would have been like if I hadn't found you here.
I'll see you back in the states.
I promise.
But, just in case, I left you a note.
What?