Mock the Week (2005) s11e19 Episode Script

1 # Read about the things that happen throughout the world # But don't believe in everything you see or hear # Read all about it # Read all about it News of the world News of the world CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Read all about it News of the world News of the world.
This programme contains some strong language.
The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Mark, which category would you like? Science.
OK, your category is Science.
The answer is What is the question? Is it when will the stadium for the 2012 Olympics be ready? Is it, what year will black people and white people finally live side by side in harmony in Chinese concentration camps? Is it, what is my pin number? Yes, it is, it is.
Is it, my dad took a dump in my toilet the other week, when will it be safe to go back in there? Or, how many times is the word "umbrella" repeated in that bloody song? What year will cities gain sentience and raise themself on hydraulic legs to begin the long battle for resources? - Is there any - Frankie's vision of the future is terrifying.
Is there any vision of the future you have which involves us living in peace and harmony, having transcended war? Oh, I've just noticed, we're on a dying fucking planet, Dara! LAUGHTER It's not just me.
What do you mean, "It's not just you?!" Anyone who's paid close attention to how the world's going, will know that environmentally you should reuse your plastic bags to suffocate your children.
- And Frankie is, he is a father.
- It's no surprise - He is a father.
- It's no surprise this show isn't repeated during CBBC, it really isn't.
I'd say the year, it's got to be the year, hasn't it? Yeah, it is the year.
Is it something to do with cities on hydraulic legs? - It's nothing to do with cities or hydraulic legs.
- Are you sure? There won't No.
No, no, with the cities on hydraulic legs.
Is it in what year can I book a scuba diving tour of Holland? That's assuming it hasn't risen up on its own legs and pissed off.
"Where's Holland?" "Frankie, you should know.
" Holland's not a city! It's not going to have any legs.
In the year 2025, it will be the only city left in mainland Europia! In the giant war against the ocean countries.
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
OK, I'll give you I'll give you a clue.
Nothing apocalyptic whatsoever.
- I think I might know it.
- Do you? - I'm dull enough to know that, because I read this.
- (Hydraulic legs.
) - We need these points.
- It's something do with hydraulic I think it's the If it's not about hydraulic legs, we'll be very disappointed.
Is it not the year The Russians have said something about launching a moon mission, haven't they? - They have, yes.
- And they, I think, have said that is the date.
A mere 66 years after the Americans managed it.
They're going to land What exactly is it? They're going to land a man on the moon.
Absolutely right there.
Well done, Hugh.
You're absolutely right, it is that, yes.
APPLAUSE The question I was looking for is - when do the Russians intend to begin building a permanent lunar base? This is the announcement by Russian Space Agency, Roscosmos - cool name - that a manual space flight in 2025 will lead to an inhabited station on the moon.
The station will provide a base from which to plan a trip to Mars by 2035.
It would also be a convenient place to travel if your city was on hydraulic legs.
They do get up to some rubbish in space though, don't they? The last American thing is that they sent a probe, didn't they, the size of a washing machine into a comet.
And you're thinking, "Well, what was the point of that?" And then you think, "Well, it would be better than the British would manage, "they would just go a bit cut price and send in a washing machine from Comet.
" - We're going to be hit by a comet soon, aren't we? - No.
I think let's not panic people at home by starting, starting a discussion with "We're going to be hit by a comet soon.
" It's all right, I sensationalised the story.
You did rather, yes, there is an asteroid.
Have you all heard about this asteroid? - Yeah.
- It's another huge disappointment of them going, "Oh, we're going The world's going to end.
" And yet again, it doesn't end.
I'm fed up with that.
We're going to be fine with the whole asteroid thing, because our cities can just raise themselves.
I'm not sure how they're going to manage that, but yeah.
That'd be fantastic, them shooting down and doing a little slink.
- There must be some system of concentrated power - This asteroid's going to be great though because you remember in the tsunami, that all the animals ran inland because they knew something was up with the tsunami.
Imagine what'll happen if the earth is going to get hit by a massive asteroid.
We'll just be going, "Has anyone else noticed that monkeys have started smoking?" In other news, which celebrity's voice has been voted top in a recent survey to find the nation's favourite sat nav voice? I think you're over-selling this, but is it Sir Sean Connery by any chance? - It's meant to be Sir Sean Connery.
There was a poll.
- Tell us, Dara.
- I don't really want to.
Who did he beat into second place? - Was it Dara? - He beat you.
He beat me, he beat me into second place.
That's it, and who was in third place? George Clooney.
- Yeah.
- Eh.
- Yeah, yeah, I beat Clooney, yeah.
Well done.
- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
And he He is gutted.
And how long has your mother been running these surveys? Why would you want Dara on your sat nav? He never stops, he's like, "And turn left here, turn left.
"Now, you want to turn left, you want to turn left.
"You won't get there unless you turn, you have turned left there.
Anyway" "What do you do for a living? What do you do, what do you do? "We'll go straight over the roundabout, that's the second exit.
" My great problem is that I haven't been living here that long, I'm likely to go, "Oh, um, no, I don't know where that is actually.
" I think, Dara, do you know why I think you should have won, because your name is an anagram of I A Road Brain.
I? Your name is an anagram of - Of I - I A Road Brain.
- I A Road Brain.
I A Road Brain? Yeah, Micky's looking forward to Carol Vorderman's warm-up act.
You know, I've not got a lot on at the moment.
I once, this sounds a bit clangy, I once got an email from Stephen Fry telling me that he was sitting in an airport in Africa and did I know my surname was an anagram of Nairobi? It was very difficult to know what to write back.
Thanks, Stephen You're very much mistaken if you think that sounds like a Clanger.
Ooh-oh! That sounds like a Clanger.
OK, thank you.
- Ooh-oh! - Stop doing Clanger noises.
Ooh-oh-ooh-oh-oh! Sorry? Ooh-ooh-oh! Ooh-oh! Ooh! Where's the Soup Dragon? Ooh! - The next subject is Technology.
Who wants to come in on that? Josh.
- I'll take that.
People say technology is moving forwards, but I'm not sure about this.
I'm increasingly finding myself at these cash points where they can't even be bothered to make the buttons line up with the screen.
There is no stress in the world like that.
Stood there going, "Please, God, let this be 20 quid, "if this is 40 quid I might as well just kill myself.
" Worse, if it's one of the cash points where you go up and the screen is angled so the sun is on it.
You go up for 20 quid, you leave with a new pin number and a cheque book in the post.
I don't want to cancel, I don't want to clear, I don't know which, what's the difference.
You get your card back, trying to put it back in and people are going, "Piss off, mate, it's not Winner Stays On.
" I'm already stressed as well, when I'm at a cash point, because I've already had to stand there for ten seconds.
Unable to put my card in, because it's still thanking the guy that's already pissed off.
Who is hanging around for that?! Yeah, I've got my card, I've got my cash, hold on, guys.
Well, it's been an absolute bloody pleasure doing business with you, thank you.
Thank you very much, Josh, well done.
On an apocalyptic note, why do some people fear that the end of the world is going to happen next Wednesday? Because it might well do, because they've created a giant black hole machine in Switzerland! - OK.
- A machine that could create a black hole that will end the universe.
Wow! Well, that is the greatest bit of timing I've ever seen in my life.
OK, it's the Large Hadron Collider in CERN in Switzerland, it starts on Wednesday.
Or to give it its proper name, the Black Hole Machine.
- They've taken, they've taken all necessary precautions, right.
- No, they haven't! They haven't taken the necessary precaution of not doing it though, have they?! - Do you know what I mean? - There's a one in 50 million chance that it could create a black hole which will end the universe.
Now I would argue that if there's any chance of that, like if my kid said to me, "Can I get a train set up in the loft?" I would go, "OK.
" "Could I get a train set that might end the universe?" I'd say, "Hmm, what about a bike?" So you'd prefer it if they got the protons and then cycled them round the tunnel on a bicycle? Like that? The thing is, I'm sure they're going to find out some interesting things about protons, but I would add, I don't give a fuck.
- I think if the - I think they've taken all the necessary safety precautions, right.
It might create a tiny black hole, right, which is the worst type of black hole, because we'll all get drawn slowly towards Switzerland, and every week this desk will be like two feet further over there.
And then eventually we'll just look one week and Russell will have been replaced by just the jaws of infinity.
Why was that directed at me, Frankie?! "The jaws of infinity," I thought we were going to see a cow and chocolate and we'd be in Switzerland, but all of a sudden my eyeballs are sucked out of my face, just for sitting nearest to the audience.
- You thought that - Why am I the first to go?! You're nearest to Switzerland, we tilted it around during the show so that you'd be the one closest to Switzerland.
Well, this is bullshit now! Specifically.
No-one's going to die.
It's basically He's just told me I'm going to die on telly.
My God, I hope we have the cameras rolling when it happens, that would be incredible.
Just him going, wah! And clinging onto the desk, right, while we hammer on his fingers, "Go, go proudly! No! Go, Russell, go now!" You'll be like that, "There's more space on Scenes We'd Like To Seeeeee.
" It's just not going to work though, is it? Because what they're looking for is a thing called the Higgs Boson, is that right? - Yes.
Yes, it is.
- Which is a subatomic particle, which is, you know, lasts for a million trillionths of a second, it's incredibly small, and most of the scientists I have ever met would have trouble - finding a clitoris, they're not going to find that, are they? - OK.
They don't find the Higgs Boson by just rooting around and checking on their desks, which is, "I'm sure there's a Higgs Boson here somewhere.
" Are you saying that's your method for finding the clitoris? "Well, I'll root around and if it's not there, I'll check the desk.
" LAUGHTER Our next round is called Newsreel, we play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
This week's clip features Peter Mandelson.
Well, welcome Lord Mandelson to the New Labour election HQ, we've got everything that you asked for.
We've got an area for phone polling, we've got an area for leaflets, we've got an area for envelope stuffing and, of course, we have begun work, as requested, on the machine.
- MANDELSON: - Oh, the machine.
When will it be finished? Well, we've just started the installation, it should be ready by the middle of next month.
Ah, as soon as that? That's beyond my wildest imagination.
Just one question though, we're not quite sure, you know, what is the machine? The machine? Yes, well, we've never built one, so you know, what exactly does the machine Let me explain the machine.
Soon my enemies will be rounded up and fed into the machine.
It will suck their brains dry and I will be the most powerful politician in the world! It's just a machine for sucking dry the brains of politicians, is that how Yes.
And this is where I will watch it from.
Revenge will be mine, Harry Potter.
Are you going to put glass in this? Only I don't want to get splashed.
Well done, Hugh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And it's Telecommunications.
From the past.
Now, what can I say? Well, yes, phone calls, of course, you phone people who you know, this is the idea.
You phone people cos you need to phone them, but sometimes you speak to people you don't know and you'll have the wrong number conversation, something we all enjoy maybe two or three times a year.
One of you thinks it's the right number.
So you're phoning somebody you think you know cos you don't dial numbers at random, this isn't how the system works.
You don't pick up the phone and dial the digits and go, "Oh, I hope it's Dave.
" That's not how it works, OK.
It isn't Dave.
"I'll try again!" That's not how it works.
What happens is that you dial the number.
Say, for example, you're calling Sue, you might have spoken to Sue earlier in the day, it might be one of those, "I'll call you right back, Sue" and then the number rings, it gets picked up, "Hello?" But you still go, "Sue?" Even though you're 99.
9% sure that can't be Sue, you think, Sue's the only name I have.
I'll run with Sue on this on the off chance they go, "It is Sue, something terrible has happened to me since you called me.
"Thank God you phoned!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE In other news, what have scientists been worked up about? They've been worked up by the fact that apparently Einstein might be wrong and that maybe something can travel faster than light.
And I'm not surprised by this, because I have got those energy-saving light bulbs.
And what I like to do is turn them all on at two o'clock in the afternoon, because that way, by the time it gets dark they're throwing out a bit of light.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I love that picture of Einstein.
I always think they've just air-brushed Marilyn Monroe out of the photo.
I think what they've air-brushed out of that is, in fact, a nine volt battery and he's having a fantastic time.
Einstein and the speed of light Here's what I don't get.
- Dara, you know about this sort of stuff.
- A little bit.
Go on.
The whole thing is apparently time isn't constant.
Like, if you're travelling, like time slows down.
Yes, time is speed And the way that he proved it was based on the fact that the speed of light is constant.
So, maybe, how can the speed of something be constant if time itself is not, when speed is measured using time? But is the time outside the frame of reference of the thing that's travelling? Is there anybody in the audience whose brain is currently hurting? - It's space time, isn't it? - If you're a beam of light, "the" beam of light I am.
I am a shining beam of light.
No, Ed.
You're a beautiful snowflake.
Hello! It's all going to kick off later on, isn't it? If you're a beam of light, there is no time for you.
It appears everywhere simultaneously.
What do you mean, "There's no time for you".
If you're a beam of light, it is your time to shine! OK.
OK, I'm not turning this into Glee, right.
Which is where you want to go with this, right? So you just Are you saying that the speed of light How fast is the speed of light relative to say hot cakes? Is it faster? Or what about a rat up a drain pipe? Faster or slower than shit off a shovel? Seemingly marginally slower than the shit off the shovel, but rats still can't match it.
I heard that the neutrinos travelled from Switzerland to Italy faster than Nazi gold at the end of the world war.
While they were travelling, was time not different for them? Yeah, for them, but not Oh Jesus! LAUGHTER For them, yes.
Ed, don't worry your head about it, you're a beautiful snowflake.
What I like about this is that loads of people who have no understanding of physics have had to sit down and try and work out really complicated things.
Previously to this, I thought that Einstein's theory of relativity and his theory of special relativity meant cousins no, second cousins yes.
I don't think light actually travels that fast.
I don't know if you've tried running with a torch.
LAUGHTER - It's all very complicated, isn't it? - I-I don't profess - Yes, Ed.
It is.
- I don't profess to completely I would love that to be people's final word on the whole thing.
It's all very complicated! It's all very complicated, so don't worry your pretty little head.
The subject is Technology.
Chris.
We really take technology for granted now.
We live in an age of miracles.
Not that you would know this, because we take everything, just as it's owed to us.
Wireless.
You've got wireless, right, in your house, yes? AUDIENCE: Yes.
Some of the older people are going, "Of course.
How do you think I listen to the Archers?" I leave it on permanently in case they declare war.
I'm not getting caught out twice, I'm not, I'm not.
" I don't mean wireless, I mean wifi, right.
Wireless, fireless, right.
When you first saw wireless fireless, you thought, "Look! Look at that, look! "That is the science fiction of my childhood available to me now in my adult years.
"Thank you, thank you, oh providential universe.
"To be alive at a time such as this is a privilege! " And now within half an hour, you're going, "Work, you bastard!" Half an hour is the time between miracle and basic human rights, as far as we're concerned.
We're pathetic.
You can be in your front room watching "Hole In The Wall", right, with your laptop there, every piece of information you could possibly want in the universe is available to be beamed through the dust of your sitting room to right in front of your chops.
That is a bona fide miracle.
It goes down for 40 seconds and we go, "Oh, my God! This is like living in a third world country! "I wish I was dead!" Two weeks ago we discussed the activation of the large Hadron Collider in Switzerland and the possibly worrying consequences, such as Russell being dragged into a black hole.
He's the one nearest Switzerland.
In response to that, Felix, aged 11 from Watford, sent in this picture.
Oh, God! Holy! LAUGHTER Now, it is, as you can tell, the Mock the Week studio being attacked by Daleks.
Details you should observe Russell doesn't fall into the black hole, but he gets vaporised by the Daleks first.
But the black hole is just behind him here.
I don't fair much better, to be honest.
I'm killed by a Dalek over my shoulder.
The worrying detail Felix has picked up on is Frankie's role, where Frankie is, in fact, King of the Daleks.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm not the King of the Daleks, I'm their creator, Dara.
Welcome to my Dalek poetry reading.
SPEAKING LIKE A DALEK This one is called Daffodils! Exterminate daffodils! Now we play a game called Picture of the Week.
I show the panel a topical image and ask them what's happening.
So, teams, what is going on here? Is it, Dyson unveils most powerful vacuum cleaner yet? Is it the centrefold of Engineering Porn Monthly? Is it preparation continues for Eric Pickles' colonic irrigation? Is it best contestant ever on Scrap Heap Challenge? Is that man saying, "Well, if this thing falls on me, at least I've got a hat on?" LAUGHTER That is regrettably the only printer that my computer will recognise.
Goal-line technology bigger than expected? Anyone got the correct answer? Is it the fitting of Eamonn Holmes's gastric band? Is it something to do with science? LAUGHTER It is.
Well done, touche.
Is it the Cern Higgs Boson thing? Yes.
Yes, I'm going to accept that.
it is the Cern Higgs Boson thing.
Yes, it is the Cern Higgs Boson thing, also known as the Large Hadron Collider.
Physicists at Cern in Switzerland have declared that there is overwhelming evidence that they have discovered a new particle that bears all the hallmarks of the Higgs Boson.
It is considered one of the most important scientific advances in a century.
Before I get you to comment on this, I'd just like you to bear in mind that in the audience tonight we have Professor Higgs, who has come all the way from There! There she is! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's very very good, congratulations.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE An incredibly unbelievably shy woman, she really is.
For many years she has, in public only wanted to appear as an old man.
Stop pointing the camera at that poor randomly chosen woman.
So that we There he is! There he is! That is him.
There's her as we normally know her.
I reckon that you've got some glasses down there, you could have a crack at that one as well.
I am not doing every face that we do in the show.
They found the Higgs Boson.
Professor Higgs predicted Oh, I'm not.
I'm not going to do this, right.
I cannot look like everything that we discover on this show.
LAUGHTER It looks like Jonathan King.
Jonathan King.
He's an astonishing bloke, the Professor? - Did he not teach Eliza Doolittle to speak properly in My Fair Lady? - He did, he's been busy.
The funniest thing is that he lectures in Edinburgh University and until recently he's been the Scottish physicist Professor Higgs, but now it's been found and he's successful, he's suddenly the British physicist, Professor Higgs.
That's one for Andy Murray! It was lovely though.
He didn't expect it to happen in his lifetime.
He travelled, he's 83, he proposed this idea over 40 years ago.
He travelled to Switzerland to see the announcement, and it's nice to have a happy story about an 83-year-old travelling to Switzerland.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE If you complete that word at the back of his head, it just says Jedi.
LOUD LAUGHTER - Do you know what he did when he found out? - He, er.
I've no idea.
- He cried.
- Of course he cried.
Everyone cries now.
It's all tears now.
Boo hoo.
Things have gone well, things have gone badly, wah, wah, wah! That's why there's no more hosepipe ban.
Boo hoo hoo, let's all flood It's all tears now.
Did he not think I'm going to splash out on a Megabus back to Edinburgh? Why is this going to be bad news for Stephen Hawking? This is because he's lost a bet, a hundred dollar bet.
He said that they'd never find the Higgs Boson particle.
You have to say, the person who he's had a bet with, you'd have to be a bit of a bastard to take the money off him, wouldn't you? You wouldn't bet Stephen Hawking a hundred dollars.
Surely, if you were going to bet him anything, you'd bet him a go on his chair.
We may have gone over the line.
We'll just check Hawkeye.
Stephen Hawkeye would be a great thing, though, wouldn't it? "It was out.
The ball was out.
" "It was out.
It has been out for billions of years.
" The strange thing about Stephen Hawking is that he's a British person who we know as having an American accent, which must be an astonishing thing for his brain.
He must have a memory of his own voice, yet this thing comes out.
It makes me feel sorry for him, but at least it's not a Brummie accent.
Nobody would have believed him, would they? "I've got a theory.
" "Have you, Stephen.
"A good theory about time.
" "Is it? Off you go then.
" OK, the next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear In A Science Documentary.
Having cloned Ian Wright, we now know that two Ian Wright's don't make an Ian Wrong.
Erectile dysfunction.
Physical problem? Or has the wife just let herself go a bit? Well, this is incredible.
This is a whole new species of miniature tiger.
Oh no, hang on, it's a cat.
Ahem, now pay attention, here comes the shampoo bit.
We discovered the source of the quark.
It's the sound made by a posh duck.
This is a red dwarf.
His name is Antony Worrall Thompson.
Welcome to the Sky At Night, and if we look out we Oh, hell! Croydon's on fire! Despite getting a very bad press, biological weapons work at much lower temperatures than non-biological weapons.
Without Penicillin, well I'd still be cursing that day I went to Bangkok.
Tonight we look at the ginger community.
Physical anomaly or God's cruel joke? Ah, the Northern Lights.
Oh no, Manchester's on fire.
But will they find a cure in time? The last hope for mankind lies with scientists here at the Laboratoire Garnier.
Tonight on Show Me The Evidence, we look at the traveller community.
Can they really put a curse on you? And as the sperm swim towards the eggs, it's hard not to think that I've ruined this fried breakfast.
I'm never again going to have a fried breakfast.
Look at that, just sorted it out.
You just, pulled the fucking cable out.
I could have done that!