Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (2014) s11e28 Episode Script
Trump's Businesses
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week,
from a judge announcing
Eric Adams' trial will begin in April,
to both Heidi Klum and Janelle Monae
coincidentally dressing up
like E.T. for Halloween.
But we're gonna dive straight in
with our main story tonight,
which concerns Donald Trump,
star of "Home Alone 2",
and all of your anxiety attacks.
We've talked all year about the many
good reasons not to vote for him:
his mass deportation plans,
his reshaping of the courts,
Project 2025, everything he said
or did before his presidency,
everything he said or did during
his presidency,
everything he said or did after
his presidency,
and the fact it should be
unconstitutional
to have a vice president named JD.
But tonight, we'd like to focus on
something that's been talked about
a little less,
and that's his business ventures.
Which, to be clear,
are not to be confused
with the unofficial Trump products that
just have his name slapped on them,
like this.
He's here! Everyone's favorite fish:
Trumpy Trout!
No one has ever seen
a fish like me.
Trumpy Trout is an animatronic
talking fish with a big personality.
I am the hugely bigliest fish
in the pond.
Mount him to your wall, or use
the built-in stand to display him
proudly on your desk.
Now you'll never miss
a Trumpy Trout rally.
I'm building a new pond,
and the bass will pay for it.
We all see it, right?
Please tell me that we all see it.
They want you to put your dick
in that, right?
I'm not saying that's what
I want to do!
I'm saying that's what they
want me to do.
Why else would they design it
like some sort of Bass Pro Shop
sponsored Fleshlight?
All I'm saying is, ladies, if your
husband asks you for a Trumpy Trout
this Christmas, it is over.
Incidentally,
according to their website,
they allow returns in the first 60 days,
no questions asked, which feels like
a huge mistake,
because I'm guessing their warehouse
is now full of splooge-covered trout.
Again, that is not
an official Trump product.
I only showed it to you to horrify you,
and now you have seven days
to show that video to someone else.
But there are lots
of money-making ventures
that do have Trump's seal of approval,
and from which money flows to him.
And while all former presidents end up
finding ways to make money,
Trump is in a category all his own.
Since he left office,
his companies resumed their golf
and real estate deals abroad,
announcing projects in Saudi Arabia,
Dubai, and Vietnam.
He's also been hawking official Trump
coins, a Trump-branded Bible,
and the Never Surrender High-Tops,
which look like what Mr. T would wear
with a tuxedo.
Even more recently, he launched
a line of Trump watches,
with one retailing at $100,000.
The Trump victory tourbillon.
This isn't just any watch. It's one
of the best watches made.
It's a tourbillon watch, with almost
200 grams of gold
and more than 100 real diamonds.
That's a lot of diamonds.
I love gold.
I love diamonds. We all do.
Look, I think this goes without saying,
but that is the ugliest watch
I've ever seen in my life.
It makes your wrist look like
it's having a midlife crisis.
It looks like it was made
by melting down King Charles.
It makes you look like
you just fisted C-3PO.
And look, the fact Trump is willing
to slap his name on random products
is nothing new.
It's always been part of his MO.
But the scope of his business ventures
have actually escalated
sharply recently.
Which, in a way, makes sense.
Since leaving office, he's racked up
millions in legal expenses,
and has multiple judgments
hanging over him.
There's the civil fraud case
in New York
for which a judge ordered him
to pay $355 million in damages,
and the two civil cases
brought by E. Jean Carroll,
in which he was found to have
sexually abused and defamed her,
and for which he was ordered
to pay about 88 million.
Now, does nearly half a billion in
penalties hanging over his head
make the greediest man
to ever live even greedier?
Maybe, maybe not, after all,
Trump is always operating
at maximum greed, the same way
the ocean is always operating
at maximum wet.
But it does mean
he's a little more desperate.
Especially because if his appeals fail,
and he doesn't come up
with the money,
courts could order that his assets
are seized and sold.
So, he's now more incentivized
than ever
to bring in as much money as possible.
And if the election goes his way
on Tuesday,
he's got some troubling new ways
of doing that.
So, tonight, let's look
at Trump's businesses,
what's changed about them
since last time around,
and what havoc they could wreak.
And let's start with the fact
that we always knew
there were going to need to be ethical
guardrails during Trump's first term.
Unfortunately, what became clear
was that our system of ethics
was largely based on norms
that could be ignored.
For instance, Trump wasn't required
to release his tax returns,
so he didn't.
Similarly, nearly all presidents since
the '70s have put their assets
into a blind trust. But Trump
wasn't required to do that either.
So he didn't. And even he was taken
aback by this,
here he is talking to reporters just
a few days after he won the election.
I assumed that you'd have to set up
some type of trust or whatever
and you don't. And I was actually
a little bit surprised to see it.
Yeah. And I think we all know, if Trump
is not required to do something,
he's not doing it.
It's why he doesn't say he lost
the last election
or hug his children
or bother to learn the fucking dance
moves to the YMCA.
For the love of God, move
your arms above your shoulders,
you human pot roast!
Instead, Trump put his assets
in a revocable trust
that he could access any time
he wanted,
run, by the way, by his sons
and the company's CFO,
a man who's since gone to jail twice
for lying under oath
and dodging taxes.
So, those were the norms
he blew past.
But he also ignored the few laws
that were in place.
For instance, the Emoluments Clause
of the Constitution
forbids the president to accept money
payments or gifts
of any kind whatever
from foreign governments
unless he obtains the consent
of the Congress to do so.
But an investigation released earlier
this year of just the first two years
of his presidency seemed to find
some pretty clear violations.
The House Democrats'
new report found
that while Donald Trump was president,
his businesses raked in
$7.8 million from
20 foreign governments.
Topping the chart, China, followed
by Saudi Arabia and Qatar.
Right. Foreign governments
effectively paid millions to Trump,
by renting hotel rooms
or other Trump-owned properties.
And in any other universe,
"president accepts money
from foreign governments"
would be immediately disqualifying.
Unfortunately,
we live in this universe,
where a candidate for president
has been criminally indicted
four times and convicted
of 34 felonies thus far,
his running mate sees women
as walking incubators,
and Reba McEntire
still hasn't done "Hot Ones".
This is not the ideal timeline.
Trump's alleged violations of the
Emoluments Clause were the subject
of multiple lawsuits during his term.
The problem is, that term ended
before a final court ruling,
leading the Supreme Court
to dismiss those cases as moot.
Basically, he ran out the clock.
So, there is no evidence to suggest
Trump won't carry on
his personal enrichment
in a second term.
And it's worth talking
about two key areas
that weren't part of his financial
portfolio last time:
social media and cryptocurrency.
And let's start with social media.
Not long after leaving office,
Trump started Trump Media.
You may know of its flagship
product, Truth Social,
the MAGA version of Twitter,
a phrase which is now
totally redundant.
Truth Social advertises a lot
on Newsmax,
where it fits in well with the other
companies that advertise there.
Because watch this ad break
from the network,
and I promise,
we did not edit this at all.
No task too great.
We are Americans,
and the future belongs to us.
The future belongs to all of you.
Join the conversation.
Join the movement.
Join Truth Social,
where freedom lives.
Derriere. Caboose. Booty.
Badonkadonk.
No matter what you call it,
if you have hemorrhoids,
your tushy is no laughing matter.
So don't use a cream that treats
your rear end like a joke.
That is perfect.
I only wish they'd gone even harder
on the butt names there.
Derriere, caboose, booty,
badonkadonk, cakes,
sweet cheeks, glute chute,
wagon you're draggin',
meat seat, back porch,
devil's canyon, moons over my fanny,
Cinnabuns, Stanley Tushie,
Pillsbury Doughbutt,
Jubbles McSqueeze,
and trouser hams.
I don't ask for much, just an endless
amount of butt names
while you hawk hemorrhoid cream
alongside Trump's even shittier
Twitter.
The concept of Truth Social
was pitched to Trump at Mar-a-Lago
by two former "Apprentice" contestants
just three weeks after January 6th,
naturally over cheeseburgers,
Diet Cokes, and ice cream.
Proving once again,
Trump lives every day like
a 10-year-old having a big day out.
The pitch for Trump Media as
a whole was that Trump would own
the majority of the company without
putting in any of his own money,
effectively just leveraging his name.
And since going public
earlier this year,
his stake's soared to values
as high as $5 billion,
more than the estimated value of all
his commercial real estate combined.
It is now the biggest piece
of his financial holdings by far.
But crucially, that value
is in no way reflective
of the financial performance
for the company itself.
Because its flagship product,
Truth Social,
isn't much to write home about.
It's the 1,174th most popular website
on the internet,
behind Guitar Center, Spirit
Halloween, and theporndude.com.
And it's been a bit of a shitshow
right from the start,
sometimes literally, given that even
before Truth Social officially launched,
people discovered
an unreleased test version
with an open sign-up page,
and it became clear no one had
bothered to reserve the username
DonaldJTrump.
So they grabbed that account
and posted this picture
of a pig shitting on its own scrotum.
Fun fact: those accounts
were suspended,
suggesting Truth Social's not so much
a platform "where freedom lives,"
as one "where freedom kisses
Daddy's derriere,
caboose, booty, badonkadonk."
And the company's not doing
that hot financially, either.
Their filings show "little revenue
and large losses".
But it's basically functioning
as a meme stock right now,
one that goes up because there
is a frenzy around it online,
but that frenzy is divorced
from its underlying value.
And don't take that from me,
just listen to this Fox Business
correspondent.
There is really no profits here
to this company.
Its user base is a fraction of Twitter.
It is literally blowing up because
of the name Donald Trump.
Now, maybe Trump can make it
profitable.
He hasn't been able to do that so far.
So, just be careful on this one.
- Charlie Gasparino.
- Don't say I didn't tell you!
I would love to meet
the Fox viewer who,
seconds away from spending $5,000
of his, let's be honest,
ex-wife's money on Trump Media stock,
is stopped by the words
of dollar store Tony Danza there.
Although I'm pretty sure that viewer
doesn't actually exist.
I'm guessing anyone about
to buy Trump Media stock
will only be stopped by accidentally
electrocuting themselves
while fucking the Trumpy Trout.
And because presidents are,
incredibly, not covered
by federal conflict of interest law,
Trump could use the power
of the office to boost the stock,
by, for instance, deciding
he's only going to communicate
through Truth Social from now on.
But that is just the beginning here.
American companies seeking
government favors could buy ads
on the platform.
And foreign governments looking
to score points with Trump
could buy shares.
For instance, the Saudi Sovereign
Wealth Fund, say,
could buy a ton of stock in Trump
Media, causing the price to soar.
But it would also then have the power
to tank the value of shares
by dumping them, rendering
Trump's stock worthless.
That is a lot of power for a foreign
government to have over
a president's net worth.
And at least with Trump Media, there
are some long-established restrictions
publicly traded companies
have to operate under.
But that is not the case with Trump's
other new venture, cryptocurrency.
Interestingly, he was initially very
anti-crypto, saying
that Bitcoin "seems like a scam".
But two years ago,
he ventured into NFTs,
and that experience seems
to have changed his mind.
And let's take a moment to talk
about those NFTs,
because they are absolutely bonkers.
He launched the first ones
with this announcement.
I'm doing my first official
Donald J. Trump NFT collection
right here and right now.
They're called
Trump Digital Trading Cards.
These cards feature some
of the really incredible artwork
pertaining to my life and my career.
Go to CollectTrumpCards.com
right now, and remember,
Christmas is coming and this makes
a great Christmas gift.
First, no it doesn't.
Imagine the look of disappointment
on someone's face
to find out on Christmas morning that,
instead of a real gift,
they got a glorified JPEG.
Even the Trumpiest of uncles would
be like, "I don't want this shit!
I asked for a fucking Nutribullet!"
Also, referring to the NFTs
as "artwork pertaining to my life
and career" is bold.
Because I do not remember a time
when Trump was an astronaut,
a superhero, or had this body.
Nevertheless, that first collection
sold out in less than a day,
something that thrilled Trump so much,
he released three more sets,
meaning there's now a plethora
of weird images of him out there,
from him as Iron Man, to Elvis,
to a superhero with laser vision,
to the most unbelievable of all,
Trump as a well-adjusted family man
with a loving pet dog who hosts
barbecues for his friends.
I'm sorry, that is stretching
the human imagination too far.
The guy who got Trump
into NFTs is Bill Zanker,
who co-authored Trump's 2007 book
"Think Big and Kick Ass:
In Business and Life".
His claim to fame was founding
the adult-education company
The Learning Annex,
which in its heyday taught classes
like "How to Flirt",
"How to Cheat on Your Spouse",
and "How to Talk to Your Cat",
classes I assume you'd need to take
in that order.
But Trump has made a lot of money
off these worthless pieces of shit,
his most recent financial disclosure
says he earned over $7 million
in his NFT licensing deal.
And since then, he's significantly
embraced the crypto community,
and in September, announced
this brand-new venture.
So, this new Trump-backed business
called World Liberty Financial,
yet to release key details about
its finances or exact purpose.
Its website, though,
prominently features
photos of Trump
and touts a digital currency.
Trump and his sons Eric and Don Jr.
are pitching this platform
as a way for American households
to buy or sell cryptocurrencies
and to go around, quote,
"big banks and financial elites".
It's true. Trump has
his own crypto platform now.
Which is immediately alarming,
even before you go to its website
and see that one of the company's
advisers is someone called "Ogle",
whose headshot is a cartoon wearing
a gas mask,
and who is from an organization
called Glue.
And look, I'm sure Ogle is awesome
at Glue.
It's not a great sign that a financial
platform is being officially advised
by what appears to be a
12-year-old's Fortnite character.
On that website, Barron, Eric,
and Don Jr. are described
as "Web3 Ambassadors".
And Trump's referred to
as "Chief Crypto Advocate".
And if those titles sound
incredibly vague to you,
that is true of the entire enterprise.
All we really know is that the company
intends to build a platform
that will allow users to trade,
borrow, and lend cryptocurrencies.
They've launched a governance token,
which they say will eventually
allow users to vote
on how the project is run, and so far,
they've sold $14 million
worth of them,
despite the fact they currently have
no real rights and can't be traded,
because they're non-transferable.
One crypto analyst said,
"I don't even know if you could say
it's a speculative token,
because it's not built for anything yet.
It's like a receipt for something
that hasn't been made."
Which is so disappointing to me,
'cause that's not the standard
you'd expect from a company
being advised by Ogle.
Not Ogle from Glue!
Apparently, once the broader platform
is launched,
75% of net revenue will flow
to a company Trump owns.
So, this is yet another project
that Trump will profit off,
just by slapping his name on it.
The real work, though,
will be done by others.
And it is worth meeting
those others.
Because the key people behind
the company are two guys
named Chase Herro
and Zak Folkman.
They were previously involved in
Dough Finance, a crypto platform
that was hacked in July,
and which led to the theft
of $2 million.
Herro has described himself
as "the dirtbag of the internet"
and previously sold
"weight-loss 'colon cleanses'
and a $149-a-month
get-rich-quick class".
He also owns a 34-foot boat
called "Clickbait",
because of course he does,
and once described crypto like this.
You can literally sell shit
in a can, wrapped in piss,
covered in human skin for a billion
dollars if the story's right,
because people will buy it, and that is
what is going on in the crypto space.
Like I said in my other video,
I'm not gonna question
the right and the wrong of all that.
All I'm saying is, as a human being,
you have the ability to make
a fuck ton of money right now.
First: stop driving!
Pull over, take a weed gummy,
and chill the fuck out,
you're screaming!
Second: this video makes me
genuinely sad to think about
if they remade
"The Music Man" today.
Hustlers used to wear straw hats,
three-piece suits,
and be able to patter song
like a proper gentleman.
Now, all we get are wannabe Turtles
from "Entourage"
yelling about shit cans while likely
committing vehicular manslaughter.
As for Zak Folkman, he used to run
a service called "Date Hotter Girls",
where he taught masterclasses
on how to become
the ultimate alpha male.
Here he is in action.
If you want to take her home,
tell her about the awesome margaritas
that you're gonna make at your place.
Tell her about the really sweet balcony
you have at your place.
Tell her about some video
that you saw on YouTube
that you have to show her.
And, you know, get her home.
Now, the fact of the matter is,
is this, you know, flashy?
No, not at all.
But, I mean, how many guys came
here to learn how to be flashy?
Okay. How many guys came here
to learn
how to take girls home
and bang 'em?
Look, I know that we've shown you
a lot of really sad clips
over the years,
but that honestly might be
the most heartbreaking.
From his whole vibe that can best be
described as "Worse Jared Leto",
to the fact the seminar's taking place
in what appears to be the lobby
of a Hilton Garden Inn,
to him using the word "bang" for sex
like he's a one-line extra
in a production of "Grease".
But the worst part might be that
his grand plan to teach men
to date hotter girls is to tell them
about how cool his house is,
like an eight-year-old talking
to someone in the pool on vacation.
"Yeah, my house has a balcony,
and we have a slushy machine,
and I'm allowed to watch YouTube.
Watch me do a dolphin kick!"
Also, for the record,
no woman is gonna get enticed home
to bang with a YouTube video.
Ask anyone who's been stuck
in an apartment
while a man shows her a 12-minute
"Best of MythBusters" compilation.
There is nothing on Earth less horny.
I don't have to show you
another clip from Zak.
But that doesn't mean
that I'm not gonna do that.
A good example of the conversation
bait is that question,
or, like, saying, like, you know,
"You have an accent, don't you?"
Because the fact is, is like what
could a girl possibly say to that?
She's either gonna say yes, no,
or "why would you ask me that," right?
Like, I mean, I can promise you,
that's the only three answers
I've ever heard.
I believe that. And, you know,
for the record, Zak, women talk.
I guarantee you, every woman's
restroom in every bar he tried that in
had a full debrief on this man
and it was not good.
But remember,
Trump is in business with this guy.
The potential next president
of the United States is partnering
not just with him, but also with
the dirtbag of the internet,
to pursue a shared goal of, quote,
"reshaping the financial landscape".
All of that would be bad enough, but
there's a much broader problem here,
and that is that crypto is
in its infancy,
and there many questions regarding
how it should be regulated.
No substantive laws
have been passed by Congress,
and no rules have been written
into regulation.
So, the next president could have
a huge say
on not only how those laws
are shaped,
but how they're enforced.
And Trump's already signaled
a lax attitude toward regulation.
Just this summer, he addressed
the Bitcoin 2024 conference,
and promised that,
once he's president,
"we will have regulations,
but the rules will be written
by people who love your industry".
He also mentioned
SEC chairman Gary Gensler,
who's hated by crypto advocates,
because he's been aggressive
in pursuing scammers
and believes in regulating crypto
as securities using existing law.
And just watch Trump feed off
the energy of the crowd.
On day one, I will fire Gary Gensler
and appoint a new SEC chairman.
I didn't know he was that unpopular!
I didn't know he was that unpopular.
Let me say it again.
On day one,
I will fire Gary Gensler.
Yeah, Trump will do anything
if it gets him applause.
He's like Tinkerbell if Tinkerbell
also kinda quoted Hitler
and called Neverland
a "shithole country".
So, if Trump wins,
it's expected that he'd directly
influence regulations
that could determine if his own
crypto company succeeds or fails.
One expert described it as
"conflict of interest 101".
A class I assume was once offered
at Bill Zanker's
The Learning Annex.
This is obviously
extremely dangerous,
but especially in a space
that's so new.
As one ethics lawyer described it,
Trump's "prior conflicts took advantage
of preexisting loopholes."
But with crypto, Trump appears to be
promising to create the loopholes
while also using a business venture
to exploit them.
The point is, it was clear
before Trump was elected
that he'd use the presidency
to enrich himself.
But in a second term,
the landscape's very different.
We're no longer just talking about
a tacky Florida country club
that CEOs or foreign officials
can visit
for special access to the president.
It's two new companies in branches
of technology
that we're still trying to figure out
how to regulate,
that could expose him to new levels
of risk,
and provide avenues for people
to funnel money to him
and influence him.
And look, none of this is the biggest
reason not to vote for him.
But it's another good one to put
alongside the many, many others,
from his policies, to his personality,
to the fact that we should never,
ever have a president
who's inspired this fucking thing.
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to send something back
for a full refund.
I understand there are
no questions asked.
And now, this.
And Now: Our Annual Look
At The Wonder
That Is Halloween On Local TV.
Good morning and happy Halloween,
I'm Terror Scott.
I like what you did there.
Welcome to one hour of the best that
Northwest Arkansas has to offer.
President Biden and First Lady Jill
welcomed trick-or-treaters
to the White House.
I can't keep my thing up here.
I can't keep my Showcase Showdown
blazer up. Can you see that?
Yup, I see it.
I was gonna be Tony Montana,
"say hello to my little friend".
But we can't do that anymore.
What's up, Doc?
Bugs Bunny. Can you see?
I can see, yeah.
I can't operate with these
all day long.
You're obviously Wolverine.
This morning, as you head out,
mid-40s, not gonna warm a whole lot.
Temperatures falling through the 70s
for most of our festivities.
And the high pressure is pumping up
that warm air up the east coast.
But what you're gonna look at is what
we have been seeing all week.
Whack that 78 down because
it's only staying for a couple days.
We have this evening with the 50s
and the highs and the lows
and the winds will be blow.
Yes, it will be blowing.
Coming up on
"Good Morning America",
a family costume competition
and great tricks and treats
from the internet's favorite grandma,
Babs Costello.
Plus, the new boost to the Menendez
brother's bid for clemency.
Moving on. Before we go,
this is our final show
before Election Day.
Which is a huge relief, as, for many,
from the constant phone calls,
texts, or ads, this campaign
has taken a toll.
It's just nonstop.
- We're ready to get it over with.
- It's tiring.
I see a thousand ads running
and you're like, "Who do I vote for?"
It is overwhelming, 'cause then it turns
into, okay, so there's pros and cons
of this person and there's pros
and cons of this person.
It's turning out to where
my generation doesn't want to vote.
Wait. I'm gonna choose to believe
that that woman is not the voice
of her generation.
Because that voice is, obviously,
standing right beside her.
What a shirt!
I have so many questions,
from, "Why did no one at that
local news station catch that?"
to, "did he not realize that
he was wearing that shirt
when the camera crew stopped him,
or did he very much realize,
and that's the only reason
he stopped?"
And I want it on the record:
I am not bullying that guy right now.
I wouldn't do that because, y'know.
This election has been brutal.
And while, who knows
if they're accurate or not,
the polls in many swing states
right now are basically tied.
Which is absolutely mind-breaking
for so many reasons,
including last Sunday's spectacle
at Madison Square Garden,
where incredibly racist things
were said about Black people,
Palestinians, and Puerto Ricans,
with Trump trying to stem the damage
with that last group
by posting this on Tuesday.
Oh, my God. I will vote,
I will vote for Donald Trump.
Oh, my God. I will vote,
I will vote for Donald Trump.
Yeah. He posted that
without comment.
And if it was meant as an apology
to Puerto Ricans,
it's worth knowing,
that is a Cuban band.
Although, I admit, that is also
a very catchy song,
and I do appreciate
that the lyrics are,
"Oh, my God. I will vote for Trump".
Which sounds like someone realizing
in real-time
they're an absolute dipshit.
Trump's closing argument has consisted
of his usual fearmongering poison,
interspersed with tweets like,
"When I'm president,
the McDonald's ice cream machines
will work great again."
Which is both a very weird
and a frustratingly funny thing
for him to say.
And that has honestly been a real
problem in trying to talk about Trump
ever since he rode down
that fucking escalator.
It's been an issue for us
at this show!
Just last week, we showed you this
clip of him talking about immigrants.
They're destroying the blood
of our country.
That's what they're doing.
They're destroying our country.
They don't like it when I said that,
and I never read "Mein Kampf".
They said, "Oh, Hitler said that",
in a much different way.
Here's the thing, that is such a funny
thing to say at the end there,
it almost distracts you from
what came before it.
Because paraphrasing "Mein Kampf"
is horrific.
But pronouncing it "Mein Kampf"
like a substitute teacher sounding out
a student's name during attendance
is objectively funny.
It shouldn't be, but it just is!
And it's yet another case
of what's ridiculous about Trump,
very effectively distracting from
what makes him so dangerous.
That may be one of the reasons
Trump was able to become president
in the first place, and why he might
be about to do it again.
This could come down to a handful
of votes in a handful of states.
And given that, I've been thinking,
"What am I going to be feeling
on Wednesday? And is there anything
I'm gonna wish I'd said right now?"
So, that is what the rest
of this is gonna be.
And look, for the past few months,
we've talked a lot about Donald Trump
and the danger that he poses.
We've admittedly talked less about
Kamala Harris and her proposals.
But that's for a pretty clear reason.
Picking apart policy proposals when
the alternative is Trump
is a bit like debating which
color to paint the living room
when your house is on fucking fire.
You kind of have to prioritize
the imminent threat.
But real quick, while Harris's platform
is by no means
everything I would personally want,
there's stuff I like.
Her proposal to expand Medicare
so it covers long-term care
and includes services like in-home
aides would be transformative.
And economists say her proposals
would boost the income
of the poorest Americans by 18%.
As for abortion, she promises to protect
and expand reproductive freedom,
which is critical, especially as stories
come to light
of women literally dying thanks
to abortion restrictions.
Just this week, we learned
of a teenager in Texas who died
after three ER visits,
thanks to their abortion ban.
As for Trump, we have talked about
how, with Project 2025,
he'll have a road map to bend
the government to his will,
how he'll push the judiciary
even further right,
and that he's promising a mass
deportation program
that'll be even more destructive
to immigrants' lives
than his first term was.
What's more, when RFK was running,
we talked about how dangerous
he could be,
but Trump's now promising to put him
in charge of public health,
saying he'll "let him go wild
on health".
And RFK's been specific about
what he's been offered.
The key that President Trump
has promised me
is control
of the public health agencies,
which are HHS and its sub-agencies,
CDC, FDA, NIH,
and a few others.
Okay, first, just wipe your camera
with your sleeve, or a dead bear,
or whatever else you have
hanging around.
But more importantly:
that's very bad!
To put it mildly, you don't want RFK
in charge of the CDC
if there's another pandemic.
Or even if there isn't!
All of that is why a bunch of our
stories this year have ended
with me telling you to vote
against Donald Trump.
But to be clear, I am voting
for Kamala Harris,
and I think you should too.
And if you're a die-hard
Harris supporter
and were gonna do that anyway,
that's great!
But the next few minutes aren't
actually gonna be for you.
If you're a die-hard Trump supporter,
they're not gonna be for you, either,
and incidentally, what the fuck
are you even doing here?
I presume YouTube pushed this clip
to you after I played
that certified banger earlier,
and you then got very disappointed
when I called you a dipshit.
But for everyone else, I just want
to elaborate a bit on the sentence,
"Vote for Kamala Harris".
If you watch this show, you know
I've had plenty of issues
with the administration
she's been part of,
particularly when it comes to their
policies on immigration
and, of course, Gaza.
We've talked multiple times
about how the Biden administration's
response to the ongoing slaughter
is indefensible, and people
are rightly furious about it.
In Michigan, more than 100,000 voters
checked "uncommitted"
on their primary ballots in February
rather than vote for Biden.
That protest vote was organized
by a coalition called
the Uncommitted Movement,
led by Arab and Muslim
American Democrats.
And there are still
many Michigan voters,
which is, by the way,
a crucial swing state,
who are struggling with the idea
of voting for Harris.
Now, I'm a Democrat. It puts me
in a very awkward position.
How can I tell the Dearborn pharmacist
who lost 80 members of his family
in one day to vote
for the vice president?
What does that mean you put
on the ballot paper?
I might just leave it blank.
For some of us, asking
who we are going to vote for
at the top of the ticket
and be strategic about it
is like asking who we're going
to vote for while we are at a funeral.
I think the Arab American community
is likely not to vote for Harris,
I'm fairly certain of that.
I don't know how I'm going to vote.
In my heart,
I don't want Trump to win.
I think he's not just a disaster
for Arab Americans,
but he's also a disaster
for all Americans.
Deep in my heart, I'm rooting for her.
Look, I get why this is so difficult.
And I know there are some who won't
vote for Harris
under any circumstances,
because of this issue.
But I know there are others who may
still be wrestling with this.
And if it's okay, I'd like to talk
to you for a second.
And first, let me say, I wish Harris
had done more to reach out to you,
beyond sending Bill Clinton
to basically scold you this week.
That didn't seem remotely
helpful to me,
and honestly felt a bit like bullying,
and as we all now know, bullying
accomplishes almost nothing.
And I fully understand why a message
from me might not be welcome either.
But for what it's worth,
I've been moved by some Muslim
and Arab voices
who've also wrestled hard
with this question,
and arrived at the conclusion,
despite their pain,
to vote for Harris.
In Arizona, a coalition of community
leaders issued a letter
in which they explained their decision
to support her,
saying, "A Trump win would
be an extreme danger
to Muslims in our country,
all immigrants,
and the American
pro-Palestine movement."
And they're not alone
in feeling that way.
Ruwa Romman is the first Muslim
woman elected
to the Georgia State House.
You may remember, she's one
of several Palestinians
who the Uncommitted Movement put
forward to address this year's DNC,
only to be rejected by the party,
meaning the convention featured
no Palestinian speakers.
She actually released this TikTok
a few weeks ago,
partly in response to people telling
her she should abandon
the Democratic Party, because both
parties are basically the same.
It's honestly worth watching
the whole thing,
but in it, she talks about her anger
at what happened,
but also about the DNC delegates
who stood up for her,
and those that she sees as movable
on this issue,
and this is where she lands.
If I know there is only one viable party
on the trajectory that I want them on,
why would I leave that behind?
There are people who are using
my pain to virtue signal
and convince you that the threats
that we are facing
are not actually that big of a deal.
My philosophy is that if I can prevent
the death of even a single person,
I will make the decisions to do that.
Period, end of story.
I do not believe in the fact that
just because things are bad,
that it's okay to let them
get worse.
It's a compelling argument.
And if you're thinking, "The Biden
administration's been so bad
on this issue, how could Trump
possibly be worse?"
He's told us. He's told Netanyahu
to "do what you have to do" in Gaza,
arguing we should let Israel
"finish the job,"
while people in Trump's orbit, including
his former ambassador to Israel,
have been pushing to let it annex
the West Bank.
Meanwhile, Trump's also threatened
to crush pro-Palestinian protests
here in the U.S.,
and to deport demonstrators.
So, I know it is hard to imagine things
getting worse on this, but to be fair,
Trump has always been one to roll up
his sleeves,
throw on a very unflattering vest,
and dig us into a new layer of hell.
That is not AI, by the way.
That is a real photo,
and it may be the worst photo
of any human being ever taken.
And it's worth factoring in that
the damage of a second Trump term
would last far beyond
the next four years,
and encumber any potential
progressive president in the future.
Two of the current justices
are at retirement age,
and because one of them rudely didn't
take my very generous bus offer
earlier this year,
Trump could replace them
with younger versions.
At that point, he'd have appointed
five members of the court,
and cemented a majority that will
likely last for the rest of my life,
which admittedly may not actually be
that long,
if Measles McGee here is allowed
to let everything get out of control.
Look, I know this isn't inspiring
to hear,
but politics isn't always inspiring,
it's transactional.
It rarely matches our greatest hopes
and dreams.
I'll be honest, I really didn't want
the first vote I cast
as an American citizen to be
for Joe fucking Biden,
but here we are.
Here is how I look at it.
The struggle for justice isn't just
about what happens on Election Day.
It's a fight waged constantly, day in,
day out,
in protests on the street,
meetings with legislators,
and in the thousand small actions
that cumulatively move the
government forward an inch at a time.
Abbas Alawieh, a co-founder
of the Uncommitted Movement,
has urged Democrat voters
to pair their vote,
their support for Vice President Harris
with a public commitment
to pressure her to stop sending
weapons should she become president.
As for Ruwa Romman,
she voted for Harris in Georgia,
another critical swing state,
while doing a vote-swap
with someone in a blue state
who cast a protest vote
on her behalf.
And she explained her Harris
vote by saying,
"My vote is a promise,
a promise that I and those who stand
with me will not stop demanding
the end of mass slaughter
and violence everywhere."
And that is the point.
Elections alone aren't sufficient
for large-scale change,
but they're absolutely necessary
for it to ever happen.
Because it's the day when you
essentially get to choose
who you'd prefer to be pushing
for the next four years,
and where you'll be pushing them from.
Look, I love this country.
I'm an immigrant.
I chose to be here. In the words
of the late Lee Greenwood,
"I'm proud to be an American."
And I'd argue there is nothing
more American
than having a healthy adversarial
relationship with those in power,
even if you voted for them.
And while I know this hasn't been
a very uplifting speech,
if it helps at all,
there's one final thing
I'm going to be genuinely excited
for on Tuesday.
And that is, if Donald Trump loses
this election,
he's basically finished.
I know he'd put us through hell,
he'd put us through hell before
he left the stage.
But when the dust settled, he'd have
lost two elections in a row,
and would be campaigning
as an 82-year-old next time.
I think he'd be done.
And doesn't that sound great?
And I know the problems that
he's a symptom of would remain,
but we wouldn't have to deal
with him anymore.
Wouldn't it be great to live in a world
where he's no longer an active
threat, just an annoyance?
Where this photo could just be funny,
rather than having geopolitical
implications?
Where he can yell about ice cream
machines
and complain about windmills
and we all have the option of just not
giving a shit about any of it at all?
I want so badly to live in that world.
And I hope everyone does everything
in their power,
in the next 48 hours,
to make that world possible.
That's our show, thank you
so much for watching.
We'll see you next week,
good night!
I'm angry!
Five, six, seven, eight.
Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
The Juice is loose!
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week,
from a judge announcing
Eric Adams' trial will begin in April,
to both Heidi Klum and Janelle Monae
coincidentally dressing up
like E.T. for Halloween.
But we're gonna dive straight in
with our main story tonight,
which concerns Donald Trump,
star of "Home Alone 2",
and all of your anxiety attacks.
We've talked all year about the many
good reasons not to vote for him:
his mass deportation plans,
his reshaping of the courts,
Project 2025, everything he said
or did before his presidency,
everything he said or did during
his presidency,
everything he said or did after
his presidency,
and the fact it should be
unconstitutional
to have a vice president named JD.
But tonight, we'd like to focus on
something that's been talked about
a little less,
and that's his business ventures.
Which, to be clear,
are not to be confused
with the unofficial Trump products that
just have his name slapped on them,
like this.
He's here! Everyone's favorite fish:
Trumpy Trout!
No one has ever seen
a fish like me.
Trumpy Trout is an animatronic
talking fish with a big personality.
I am the hugely bigliest fish
in the pond.
Mount him to your wall, or use
the built-in stand to display him
proudly on your desk.
Now you'll never miss
a Trumpy Trout rally.
I'm building a new pond,
and the bass will pay for it.
We all see it, right?
Please tell me that we all see it.
They want you to put your dick
in that, right?
I'm not saying that's what
I want to do!
I'm saying that's what they
want me to do.
Why else would they design it
like some sort of Bass Pro Shop
sponsored Fleshlight?
All I'm saying is, ladies, if your
husband asks you for a Trumpy Trout
this Christmas, it is over.
Incidentally,
according to their website,
they allow returns in the first 60 days,
no questions asked, which feels like
a huge mistake,
because I'm guessing their warehouse
is now full of splooge-covered trout.
Again, that is not
an official Trump product.
I only showed it to you to horrify you,
and now you have seven days
to show that video to someone else.
But there are lots
of money-making ventures
that do have Trump's seal of approval,
and from which money flows to him.
And while all former presidents end up
finding ways to make money,
Trump is in a category all his own.
Since he left office,
his companies resumed their golf
and real estate deals abroad,
announcing projects in Saudi Arabia,
Dubai, and Vietnam.
He's also been hawking official Trump
coins, a Trump-branded Bible,
and the Never Surrender High-Tops,
which look like what Mr. T would wear
with a tuxedo.
Even more recently, he launched
a line of Trump watches,
with one retailing at $100,000.
The Trump victory tourbillon.
This isn't just any watch. It's one
of the best watches made.
It's a tourbillon watch, with almost
200 grams of gold
and more than 100 real diamonds.
That's a lot of diamonds.
I love gold.
I love diamonds. We all do.
Look, I think this goes without saying,
but that is the ugliest watch
I've ever seen in my life.
It makes your wrist look like
it's having a midlife crisis.
It looks like it was made
by melting down King Charles.
It makes you look like
you just fisted C-3PO.
And look, the fact Trump is willing
to slap his name on random products
is nothing new.
It's always been part of his MO.
But the scope of his business ventures
have actually escalated
sharply recently.
Which, in a way, makes sense.
Since leaving office, he's racked up
millions in legal expenses,
and has multiple judgments
hanging over him.
There's the civil fraud case
in New York
for which a judge ordered him
to pay $355 million in damages,
and the two civil cases
brought by E. Jean Carroll,
in which he was found to have
sexually abused and defamed her,
and for which he was ordered
to pay about 88 million.
Now, does nearly half a billion in
penalties hanging over his head
make the greediest man
to ever live even greedier?
Maybe, maybe not, after all,
Trump is always operating
at maximum greed, the same way
the ocean is always operating
at maximum wet.
But it does mean
he's a little more desperate.
Especially because if his appeals fail,
and he doesn't come up
with the money,
courts could order that his assets
are seized and sold.
So, he's now more incentivized
than ever
to bring in as much money as possible.
And if the election goes his way
on Tuesday,
he's got some troubling new ways
of doing that.
So, tonight, let's look
at Trump's businesses,
what's changed about them
since last time around,
and what havoc they could wreak.
And let's start with the fact
that we always knew
there were going to need to be ethical
guardrails during Trump's first term.
Unfortunately, what became clear
was that our system of ethics
was largely based on norms
that could be ignored.
For instance, Trump wasn't required
to release his tax returns,
so he didn't.
Similarly, nearly all presidents since
the '70s have put their assets
into a blind trust. But Trump
wasn't required to do that either.
So he didn't. And even he was taken
aback by this,
here he is talking to reporters just
a few days after he won the election.
I assumed that you'd have to set up
some type of trust or whatever
and you don't. And I was actually
a little bit surprised to see it.
Yeah. And I think we all know, if Trump
is not required to do something,
he's not doing it.
It's why he doesn't say he lost
the last election
or hug his children
or bother to learn the fucking dance
moves to the YMCA.
For the love of God, move
your arms above your shoulders,
you human pot roast!
Instead, Trump put his assets
in a revocable trust
that he could access any time
he wanted,
run, by the way, by his sons
and the company's CFO,
a man who's since gone to jail twice
for lying under oath
and dodging taxes.
So, those were the norms
he blew past.
But he also ignored the few laws
that were in place.
For instance, the Emoluments Clause
of the Constitution
forbids the president to accept money
payments or gifts
of any kind whatever
from foreign governments
unless he obtains the consent
of the Congress to do so.
But an investigation released earlier
this year of just the first two years
of his presidency seemed to find
some pretty clear violations.
The House Democrats'
new report found
that while Donald Trump was president,
his businesses raked in
$7.8 million from
20 foreign governments.
Topping the chart, China, followed
by Saudi Arabia and Qatar.
Right. Foreign governments
effectively paid millions to Trump,
by renting hotel rooms
or other Trump-owned properties.
And in any other universe,
"president accepts money
from foreign governments"
would be immediately disqualifying.
Unfortunately,
we live in this universe,
where a candidate for president
has been criminally indicted
four times and convicted
of 34 felonies thus far,
his running mate sees women
as walking incubators,
and Reba McEntire
still hasn't done "Hot Ones".
This is not the ideal timeline.
Trump's alleged violations of the
Emoluments Clause were the subject
of multiple lawsuits during his term.
The problem is, that term ended
before a final court ruling,
leading the Supreme Court
to dismiss those cases as moot.
Basically, he ran out the clock.
So, there is no evidence to suggest
Trump won't carry on
his personal enrichment
in a second term.
And it's worth talking
about two key areas
that weren't part of his financial
portfolio last time:
social media and cryptocurrency.
And let's start with social media.
Not long after leaving office,
Trump started Trump Media.
You may know of its flagship
product, Truth Social,
the MAGA version of Twitter,
a phrase which is now
totally redundant.
Truth Social advertises a lot
on Newsmax,
where it fits in well with the other
companies that advertise there.
Because watch this ad break
from the network,
and I promise,
we did not edit this at all.
No task too great.
We are Americans,
and the future belongs to us.
The future belongs to all of you.
Join the conversation.
Join the movement.
Join Truth Social,
where freedom lives.
Derriere. Caboose. Booty.
Badonkadonk.
No matter what you call it,
if you have hemorrhoids,
your tushy is no laughing matter.
So don't use a cream that treats
your rear end like a joke.
That is perfect.
I only wish they'd gone even harder
on the butt names there.
Derriere, caboose, booty,
badonkadonk, cakes,
sweet cheeks, glute chute,
wagon you're draggin',
meat seat, back porch,
devil's canyon, moons over my fanny,
Cinnabuns, Stanley Tushie,
Pillsbury Doughbutt,
Jubbles McSqueeze,
and trouser hams.
I don't ask for much, just an endless
amount of butt names
while you hawk hemorrhoid cream
alongside Trump's even shittier
Twitter.
The concept of Truth Social
was pitched to Trump at Mar-a-Lago
by two former "Apprentice" contestants
just three weeks after January 6th,
naturally over cheeseburgers,
Diet Cokes, and ice cream.
Proving once again,
Trump lives every day like
a 10-year-old having a big day out.
The pitch for Trump Media as
a whole was that Trump would own
the majority of the company without
putting in any of his own money,
effectively just leveraging his name.
And since going public
earlier this year,
his stake's soared to values
as high as $5 billion,
more than the estimated value of all
his commercial real estate combined.
It is now the biggest piece
of his financial holdings by far.
But crucially, that value
is in no way reflective
of the financial performance
for the company itself.
Because its flagship product,
Truth Social,
isn't much to write home about.
It's the 1,174th most popular website
on the internet,
behind Guitar Center, Spirit
Halloween, and theporndude.com.
And it's been a bit of a shitshow
right from the start,
sometimes literally, given that even
before Truth Social officially launched,
people discovered
an unreleased test version
with an open sign-up page,
and it became clear no one had
bothered to reserve the username
DonaldJTrump.
So they grabbed that account
and posted this picture
of a pig shitting on its own scrotum.
Fun fact: those accounts
were suspended,
suggesting Truth Social's not so much
a platform "where freedom lives,"
as one "where freedom kisses
Daddy's derriere,
caboose, booty, badonkadonk."
And the company's not doing
that hot financially, either.
Their filings show "little revenue
and large losses".
But it's basically functioning
as a meme stock right now,
one that goes up because there
is a frenzy around it online,
but that frenzy is divorced
from its underlying value.
And don't take that from me,
just listen to this Fox Business
correspondent.
There is really no profits here
to this company.
Its user base is a fraction of Twitter.
It is literally blowing up because
of the name Donald Trump.
Now, maybe Trump can make it
profitable.
He hasn't been able to do that so far.
So, just be careful on this one.
- Charlie Gasparino.
- Don't say I didn't tell you!
I would love to meet
the Fox viewer who,
seconds away from spending $5,000
of his, let's be honest,
ex-wife's money on Trump Media stock,
is stopped by the words
of dollar store Tony Danza there.
Although I'm pretty sure that viewer
doesn't actually exist.
I'm guessing anyone about
to buy Trump Media stock
will only be stopped by accidentally
electrocuting themselves
while fucking the Trumpy Trout.
And because presidents are,
incredibly, not covered
by federal conflict of interest law,
Trump could use the power
of the office to boost the stock,
by, for instance, deciding
he's only going to communicate
through Truth Social from now on.
But that is just the beginning here.
American companies seeking
government favors could buy ads
on the platform.
And foreign governments looking
to score points with Trump
could buy shares.
For instance, the Saudi Sovereign
Wealth Fund, say,
could buy a ton of stock in Trump
Media, causing the price to soar.
But it would also then have the power
to tank the value of shares
by dumping them, rendering
Trump's stock worthless.
That is a lot of power for a foreign
government to have over
a president's net worth.
And at least with Trump Media, there
are some long-established restrictions
publicly traded companies
have to operate under.
But that is not the case with Trump's
other new venture, cryptocurrency.
Interestingly, he was initially very
anti-crypto, saying
that Bitcoin "seems like a scam".
But two years ago,
he ventured into NFTs,
and that experience seems
to have changed his mind.
And let's take a moment to talk
about those NFTs,
because they are absolutely bonkers.
He launched the first ones
with this announcement.
I'm doing my first official
Donald J. Trump NFT collection
right here and right now.
They're called
Trump Digital Trading Cards.
These cards feature some
of the really incredible artwork
pertaining to my life and my career.
Go to CollectTrumpCards.com
right now, and remember,
Christmas is coming and this makes
a great Christmas gift.
First, no it doesn't.
Imagine the look of disappointment
on someone's face
to find out on Christmas morning that,
instead of a real gift,
they got a glorified JPEG.
Even the Trumpiest of uncles would
be like, "I don't want this shit!
I asked for a fucking Nutribullet!"
Also, referring to the NFTs
as "artwork pertaining to my life
and career" is bold.
Because I do not remember a time
when Trump was an astronaut,
a superhero, or had this body.
Nevertheless, that first collection
sold out in less than a day,
something that thrilled Trump so much,
he released three more sets,
meaning there's now a plethora
of weird images of him out there,
from him as Iron Man, to Elvis,
to a superhero with laser vision,
to the most unbelievable of all,
Trump as a well-adjusted family man
with a loving pet dog who hosts
barbecues for his friends.
I'm sorry, that is stretching
the human imagination too far.
The guy who got Trump
into NFTs is Bill Zanker,
who co-authored Trump's 2007 book
"Think Big and Kick Ass:
In Business and Life".
His claim to fame was founding
the adult-education company
The Learning Annex,
which in its heyday taught classes
like "How to Flirt",
"How to Cheat on Your Spouse",
and "How to Talk to Your Cat",
classes I assume you'd need to take
in that order.
But Trump has made a lot of money
off these worthless pieces of shit,
his most recent financial disclosure
says he earned over $7 million
in his NFT licensing deal.
And since then, he's significantly
embraced the crypto community,
and in September, announced
this brand-new venture.
So, this new Trump-backed business
called World Liberty Financial,
yet to release key details about
its finances or exact purpose.
Its website, though,
prominently features
photos of Trump
and touts a digital currency.
Trump and his sons Eric and Don Jr.
are pitching this platform
as a way for American households
to buy or sell cryptocurrencies
and to go around, quote,
"big banks and financial elites".
It's true. Trump has
his own crypto platform now.
Which is immediately alarming,
even before you go to its website
and see that one of the company's
advisers is someone called "Ogle",
whose headshot is a cartoon wearing
a gas mask,
and who is from an organization
called Glue.
And look, I'm sure Ogle is awesome
at Glue.
It's not a great sign that a financial
platform is being officially advised
by what appears to be a
12-year-old's Fortnite character.
On that website, Barron, Eric,
and Don Jr. are described
as "Web3 Ambassadors".
And Trump's referred to
as "Chief Crypto Advocate".
And if those titles sound
incredibly vague to you,
that is true of the entire enterprise.
All we really know is that the company
intends to build a platform
that will allow users to trade,
borrow, and lend cryptocurrencies.
They've launched a governance token,
which they say will eventually
allow users to vote
on how the project is run, and so far,
they've sold $14 million
worth of them,
despite the fact they currently have
no real rights and can't be traded,
because they're non-transferable.
One crypto analyst said,
"I don't even know if you could say
it's a speculative token,
because it's not built for anything yet.
It's like a receipt for something
that hasn't been made."
Which is so disappointing to me,
'cause that's not the standard
you'd expect from a company
being advised by Ogle.
Not Ogle from Glue!
Apparently, once the broader platform
is launched,
75% of net revenue will flow
to a company Trump owns.
So, this is yet another project
that Trump will profit off,
just by slapping his name on it.
The real work, though,
will be done by others.
And it is worth meeting
those others.
Because the key people behind
the company are two guys
named Chase Herro
and Zak Folkman.
They were previously involved in
Dough Finance, a crypto platform
that was hacked in July,
and which led to the theft
of $2 million.
Herro has described himself
as "the dirtbag of the internet"
and previously sold
"weight-loss 'colon cleanses'
and a $149-a-month
get-rich-quick class".
He also owns a 34-foot boat
called "Clickbait",
because of course he does,
and once described crypto like this.
You can literally sell shit
in a can, wrapped in piss,
covered in human skin for a billion
dollars if the story's right,
because people will buy it, and that is
what is going on in the crypto space.
Like I said in my other video,
I'm not gonna question
the right and the wrong of all that.
All I'm saying is, as a human being,
you have the ability to make
a fuck ton of money right now.
First: stop driving!
Pull over, take a weed gummy,
and chill the fuck out,
you're screaming!
Second: this video makes me
genuinely sad to think about
if they remade
"The Music Man" today.
Hustlers used to wear straw hats,
three-piece suits,
and be able to patter song
like a proper gentleman.
Now, all we get are wannabe Turtles
from "Entourage"
yelling about shit cans while likely
committing vehicular manslaughter.
As for Zak Folkman, he used to run
a service called "Date Hotter Girls",
where he taught masterclasses
on how to become
the ultimate alpha male.
Here he is in action.
If you want to take her home,
tell her about the awesome margaritas
that you're gonna make at your place.
Tell her about the really sweet balcony
you have at your place.
Tell her about some video
that you saw on YouTube
that you have to show her.
And, you know, get her home.
Now, the fact of the matter is,
is this, you know, flashy?
No, not at all.
But, I mean, how many guys came
here to learn how to be flashy?
Okay. How many guys came here
to learn
how to take girls home
and bang 'em?
Look, I know that we've shown you
a lot of really sad clips
over the years,
but that honestly might be
the most heartbreaking.
From his whole vibe that can best be
described as "Worse Jared Leto",
to the fact the seminar's taking place
in what appears to be the lobby
of a Hilton Garden Inn,
to him using the word "bang" for sex
like he's a one-line extra
in a production of "Grease".
But the worst part might be that
his grand plan to teach men
to date hotter girls is to tell them
about how cool his house is,
like an eight-year-old talking
to someone in the pool on vacation.
"Yeah, my house has a balcony,
and we have a slushy machine,
and I'm allowed to watch YouTube.
Watch me do a dolphin kick!"
Also, for the record,
no woman is gonna get enticed home
to bang with a YouTube video.
Ask anyone who's been stuck
in an apartment
while a man shows her a 12-minute
"Best of MythBusters" compilation.
There is nothing on Earth less horny.
I don't have to show you
another clip from Zak.
But that doesn't mean
that I'm not gonna do that.
A good example of the conversation
bait is that question,
or, like, saying, like, you know,
"You have an accent, don't you?"
Because the fact is, is like what
could a girl possibly say to that?
She's either gonna say yes, no,
or "why would you ask me that," right?
Like, I mean, I can promise you,
that's the only three answers
I've ever heard.
I believe that. And, you know,
for the record, Zak, women talk.
I guarantee you, every woman's
restroom in every bar he tried that in
had a full debrief on this man
and it was not good.
But remember,
Trump is in business with this guy.
The potential next president
of the United States is partnering
not just with him, but also with
the dirtbag of the internet,
to pursue a shared goal of, quote,
"reshaping the financial landscape".
All of that would be bad enough, but
there's a much broader problem here,
and that is that crypto is
in its infancy,
and there many questions regarding
how it should be regulated.
No substantive laws
have been passed by Congress,
and no rules have been written
into regulation.
So, the next president could have
a huge say
on not only how those laws
are shaped,
but how they're enforced.
And Trump's already signaled
a lax attitude toward regulation.
Just this summer, he addressed
the Bitcoin 2024 conference,
and promised that,
once he's president,
"we will have regulations,
but the rules will be written
by people who love your industry".
He also mentioned
SEC chairman Gary Gensler,
who's hated by crypto advocates,
because he's been aggressive
in pursuing scammers
and believes in regulating crypto
as securities using existing law.
And just watch Trump feed off
the energy of the crowd.
On day one, I will fire Gary Gensler
and appoint a new SEC chairman.
I didn't know he was that unpopular!
I didn't know he was that unpopular.
Let me say it again.
On day one,
I will fire Gary Gensler.
Yeah, Trump will do anything
if it gets him applause.
He's like Tinkerbell if Tinkerbell
also kinda quoted Hitler
and called Neverland
a "shithole country".
So, if Trump wins,
it's expected that he'd directly
influence regulations
that could determine if his own
crypto company succeeds or fails.
One expert described it as
"conflict of interest 101".
A class I assume was once offered
at Bill Zanker's
The Learning Annex.
This is obviously
extremely dangerous,
but especially in a space
that's so new.
As one ethics lawyer described it,
Trump's "prior conflicts took advantage
of preexisting loopholes."
But with crypto, Trump appears to be
promising to create the loopholes
while also using a business venture
to exploit them.
The point is, it was clear
before Trump was elected
that he'd use the presidency
to enrich himself.
But in a second term,
the landscape's very different.
We're no longer just talking about
a tacky Florida country club
that CEOs or foreign officials
can visit
for special access to the president.
It's two new companies in branches
of technology
that we're still trying to figure out
how to regulate,
that could expose him to new levels
of risk,
and provide avenues for people
to funnel money to him
and influence him.
And look, none of this is the biggest
reason not to vote for him.
But it's another good one to put
alongside the many, many others,
from his policies, to his personality,
to the fact that we should never,
ever have a president
who's inspired this fucking thing.
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to send something back
for a full refund.
I understand there are
no questions asked.
And now, this.
And Now: Our Annual Look
At The Wonder
That Is Halloween On Local TV.
Good morning and happy Halloween,
I'm Terror Scott.
I like what you did there.
Welcome to one hour of the best that
Northwest Arkansas has to offer.
President Biden and First Lady Jill
welcomed trick-or-treaters
to the White House.
I can't keep my thing up here.
I can't keep my Showcase Showdown
blazer up. Can you see that?
Yup, I see it.
I was gonna be Tony Montana,
"say hello to my little friend".
But we can't do that anymore.
What's up, Doc?
Bugs Bunny. Can you see?
I can see, yeah.
I can't operate with these
all day long.
You're obviously Wolverine.
This morning, as you head out,
mid-40s, not gonna warm a whole lot.
Temperatures falling through the 70s
for most of our festivities.
And the high pressure is pumping up
that warm air up the east coast.
But what you're gonna look at is what
we have been seeing all week.
Whack that 78 down because
it's only staying for a couple days.
We have this evening with the 50s
and the highs and the lows
and the winds will be blow.
Yes, it will be blowing.
Coming up on
"Good Morning America",
a family costume competition
and great tricks and treats
from the internet's favorite grandma,
Babs Costello.
Plus, the new boost to the Menendez
brother's bid for clemency.
Moving on. Before we go,
this is our final show
before Election Day.
Which is a huge relief, as, for many,
from the constant phone calls,
texts, or ads, this campaign
has taken a toll.
It's just nonstop.
- We're ready to get it over with.
- It's tiring.
I see a thousand ads running
and you're like, "Who do I vote for?"
It is overwhelming, 'cause then it turns
into, okay, so there's pros and cons
of this person and there's pros
and cons of this person.
It's turning out to where
my generation doesn't want to vote.
Wait. I'm gonna choose to believe
that that woman is not the voice
of her generation.
Because that voice is, obviously,
standing right beside her.
What a shirt!
I have so many questions,
from, "Why did no one at that
local news station catch that?"
to, "did he not realize that
he was wearing that shirt
when the camera crew stopped him,
or did he very much realize,
and that's the only reason
he stopped?"
And I want it on the record:
I am not bullying that guy right now.
I wouldn't do that because, y'know.
This election has been brutal.
And while, who knows
if they're accurate or not,
the polls in many swing states
right now are basically tied.
Which is absolutely mind-breaking
for so many reasons,
including last Sunday's spectacle
at Madison Square Garden,
where incredibly racist things
were said about Black people,
Palestinians, and Puerto Ricans,
with Trump trying to stem the damage
with that last group
by posting this on Tuesday.
Oh, my God. I will vote,
I will vote for Donald Trump.
Oh, my God. I will vote,
I will vote for Donald Trump.
Yeah. He posted that
without comment.
And if it was meant as an apology
to Puerto Ricans,
it's worth knowing,
that is a Cuban band.
Although, I admit, that is also
a very catchy song,
and I do appreciate
that the lyrics are,
"Oh, my God. I will vote for Trump".
Which sounds like someone realizing
in real-time
they're an absolute dipshit.
Trump's closing argument has consisted
of his usual fearmongering poison,
interspersed with tweets like,
"When I'm president,
the McDonald's ice cream machines
will work great again."
Which is both a very weird
and a frustratingly funny thing
for him to say.
And that has honestly been a real
problem in trying to talk about Trump
ever since he rode down
that fucking escalator.
It's been an issue for us
at this show!
Just last week, we showed you this
clip of him talking about immigrants.
They're destroying the blood
of our country.
That's what they're doing.
They're destroying our country.
They don't like it when I said that,
and I never read "Mein Kampf".
They said, "Oh, Hitler said that",
in a much different way.
Here's the thing, that is such a funny
thing to say at the end there,
it almost distracts you from
what came before it.
Because paraphrasing "Mein Kampf"
is horrific.
But pronouncing it "Mein Kampf"
like a substitute teacher sounding out
a student's name during attendance
is objectively funny.
It shouldn't be, but it just is!
And it's yet another case
of what's ridiculous about Trump,
very effectively distracting from
what makes him so dangerous.
That may be one of the reasons
Trump was able to become president
in the first place, and why he might
be about to do it again.
This could come down to a handful
of votes in a handful of states.
And given that, I've been thinking,
"What am I going to be feeling
on Wednesday? And is there anything
I'm gonna wish I'd said right now?"
So, that is what the rest
of this is gonna be.
And look, for the past few months,
we've talked a lot about Donald Trump
and the danger that he poses.
We've admittedly talked less about
Kamala Harris and her proposals.
But that's for a pretty clear reason.
Picking apart policy proposals when
the alternative is Trump
is a bit like debating which
color to paint the living room
when your house is on fucking fire.
You kind of have to prioritize
the imminent threat.
But real quick, while Harris's platform
is by no means
everything I would personally want,
there's stuff I like.
Her proposal to expand Medicare
so it covers long-term care
and includes services like in-home
aides would be transformative.
And economists say her proposals
would boost the income
of the poorest Americans by 18%.
As for abortion, she promises to protect
and expand reproductive freedom,
which is critical, especially as stories
come to light
of women literally dying thanks
to abortion restrictions.
Just this week, we learned
of a teenager in Texas who died
after three ER visits,
thanks to their abortion ban.
As for Trump, we have talked about
how, with Project 2025,
he'll have a road map to bend
the government to his will,
how he'll push the judiciary
even further right,
and that he's promising a mass
deportation program
that'll be even more destructive
to immigrants' lives
than his first term was.
What's more, when RFK was running,
we talked about how dangerous
he could be,
but Trump's now promising to put him
in charge of public health,
saying he'll "let him go wild
on health".
And RFK's been specific about
what he's been offered.
The key that President Trump
has promised me
is control
of the public health agencies,
which are HHS and its sub-agencies,
CDC, FDA, NIH,
and a few others.
Okay, first, just wipe your camera
with your sleeve, or a dead bear,
or whatever else you have
hanging around.
But more importantly:
that's very bad!
To put it mildly, you don't want RFK
in charge of the CDC
if there's another pandemic.
Or even if there isn't!
All of that is why a bunch of our
stories this year have ended
with me telling you to vote
against Donald Trump.
But to be clear, I am voting
for Kamala Harris,
and I think you should too.
And if you're a die-hard
Harris supporter
and were gonna do that anyway,
that's great!
But the next few minutes aren't
actually gonna be for you.
If you're a die-hard Trump supporter,
they're not gonna be for you, either,
and incidentally, what the fuck
are you even doing here?
I presume YouTube pushed this clip
to you after I played
that certified banger earlier,
and you then got very disappointed
when I called you a dipshit.
But for everyone else, I just want
to elaborate a bit on the sentence,
"Vote for Kamala Harris".
If you watch this show, you know
I've had plenty of issues
with the administration
she's been part of,
particularly when it comes to their
policies on immigration
and, of course, Gaza.
We've talked multiple times
about how the Biden administration's
response to the ongoing slaughter
is indefensible, and people
are rightly furious about it.
In Michigan, more than 100,000 voters
checked "uncommitted"
on their primary ballots in February
rather than vote for Biden.
That protest vote was organized
by a coalition called
the Uncommitted Movement,
led by Arab and Muslim
American Democrats.
And there are still
many Michigan voters,
which is, by the way,
a crucial swing state,
who are struggling with the idea
of voting for Harris.
Now, I'm a Democrat. It puts me
in a very awkward position.
How can I tell the Dearborn pharmacist
who lost 80 members of his family
in one day to vote
for the vice president?
What does that mean you put
on the ballot paper?
I might just leave it blank.
For some of us, asking
who we are going to vote for
at the top of the ticket
and be strategic about it
is like asking who we're going
to vote for while we are at a funeral.
I think the Arab American community
is likely not to vote for Harris,
I'm fairly certain of that.
I don't know how I'm going to vote.
In my heart,
I don't want Trump to win.
I think he's not just a disaster
for Arab Americans,
but he's also a disaster
for all Americans.
Deep in my heart, I'm rooting for her.
Look, I get why this is so difficult.
And I know there are some who won't
vote for Harris
under any circumstances,
because of this issue.
But I know there are others who may
still be wrestling with this.
And if it's okay, I'd like to talk
to you for a second.
And first, let me say, I wish Harris
had done more to reach out to you,
beyond sending Bill Clinton
to basically scold you this week.
That didn't seem remotely
helpful to me,
and honestly felt a bit like bullying,
and as we all now know, bullying
accomplishes almost nothing.
And I fully understand why a message
from me might not be welcome either.
But for what it's worth,
I've been moved by some Muslim
and Arab voices
who've also wrestled hard
with this question,
and arrived at the conclusion,
despite their pain,
to vote for Harris.
In Arizona, a coalition of community
leaders issued a letter
in which they explained their decision
to support her,
saying, "A Trump win would
be an extreme danger
to Muslims in our country,
all immigrants,
and the American
pro-Palestine movement."
And they're not alone
in feeling that way.
Ruwa Romman is the first Muslim
woman elected
to the Georgia State House.
You may remember, she's one
of several Palestinians
who the Uncommitted Movement put
forward to address this year's DNC,
only to be rejected by the party,
meaning the convention featured
no Palestinian speakers.
She actually released this TikTok
a few weeks ago,
partly in response to people telling
her she should abandon
the Democratic Party, because both
parties are basically the same.
It's honestly worth watching
the whole thing,
but in it, she talks about her anger
at what happened,
but also about the DNC delegates
who stood up for her,
and those that she sees as movable
on this issue,
and this is where she lands.
If I know there is only one viable party
on the trajectory that I want them on,
why would I leave that behind?
There are people who are using
my pain to virtue signal
and convince you that the threats
that we are facing
are not actually that big of a deal.
My philosophy is that if I can prevent
the death of even a single person,
I will make the decisions to do that.
Period, end of story.
I do not believe in the fact that
just because things are bad,
that it's okay to let them
get worse.
It's a compelling argument.
And if you're thinking, "The Biden
administration's been so bad
on this issue, how could Trump
possibly be worse?"
He's told us. He's told Netanyahu
to "do what you have to do" in Gaza,
arguing we should let Israel
"finish the job,"
while people in Trump's orbit, including
his former ambassador to Israel,
have been pushing to let it annex
the West Bank.
Meanwhile, Trump's also threatened
to crush pro-Palestinian protests
here in the U.S.,
and to deport demonstrators.
So, I know it is hard to imagine things
getting worse on this, but to be fair,
Trump has always been one to roll up
his sleeves,
throw on a very unflattering vest,
and dig us into a new layer of hell.
That is not AI, by the way.
That is a real photo,
and it may be the worst photo
of any human being ever taken.
And it's worth factoring in that
the damage of a second Trump term
would last far beyond
the next four years,
and encumber any potential
progressive president in the future.
Two of the current justices
are at retirement age,
and because one of them rudely didn't
take my very generous bus offer
earlier this year,
Trump could replace them
with younger versions.
At that point, he'd have appointed
five members of the court,
and cemented a majority that will
likely last for the rest of my life,
which admittedly may not actually be
that long,
if Measles McGee here is allowed
to let everything get out of control.
Look, I know this isn't inspiring
to hear,
but politics isn't always inspiring,
it's transactional.
It rarely matches our greatest hopes
and dreams.
I'll be honest, I really didn't want
the first vote I cast
as an American citizen to be
for Joe fucking Biden,
but here we are.
Here is how I look at it.
The struggle for justice isn't just
about what happens on Election Day.
It's a fight waged constantly, day in,
day out,
in protests on the street,
meetings with legislators,
and in the thousand small actions
that cumulatively move the
government forward an inch at a time.
Abbas Alawieh, a co-founder
of the Uncommitted Movement,
has urged Democrat voters
to pair their vote,
their support for Vice President Harris
with a public commitment
to pressure her to stop sending
weapons should she become president.
As for Ruwa Romman,
she voted for Harris in Georgia,
another critical swing state,
while doing a vote-swap
with someone in a blue state
who cast a protest vote
on her behalf.
And she explained her Harris
vote by saying,
"My vote is a promise,
a promise that I and those who stand
with me will not stop demanding
the end of mass slaughter
and violence everywhere."
And that is the point.
Elections alone aren't sufficient
for large-scale change,
but they're absolutely necessary
for it to ever happen.
Because it's the day when you
essentially get to choose
who you'd prefer to be pushing
for the next four years,
and where you'll be pushing them from.
Look, I love this country.
I'm an immigrant.
I chose to be here. In the words
of the late Lee Greenwood,
"I'm proud to be an American."
And I'd argue there is nothing
more American
than having a healthy adversarial
relationship with those in power,
even if you voted for them.
And while I know this hasn't been
a very uplifting speech,
if it helps at all,
there's one final thing
I'm going to be genuinely excited
for on Tuesday.
And that is, if Donald Trump loses
this election,
he's basically finished.
I know he'd put us through hell,
he'd put us through hell before
he left the stage.
But when the dust settled, he'd have
lost two elections in a row,
and would be campaigning
as an 82-year-old next time.
I think he'd be done.
And doesn't that sound great?
And I know the problems that
he's a symptom of would remain,
but we wouldn't have to deal
with him anymore.
Wouldn't it be great to live in a world
where he's no longer an active
threat, just an annoyance?
Where this photo could just be funny,
rather than having geopolitical
implications?
Where he can yell about ice cream
machines
and complain about windmills
and we all have the option of just not
giving a shit about any of it at all?
I want so badly to live in that world.
And I hope everyone does everything
in their power,
in the next 48 hours,
to make that world possible.
That's our show, thank you
so much for watching.
We'll see you next week,
good night!
I'm angry!
Five, six, seven, eight.
Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
The Juice is loose!