Top Gear (2002) s12e01 Episode Script
Lorries
Tonight, the brighter, whiter way to ruin your underpants.
How much lorry-ing can you get for £5,000? And Michael Parkinson has a go in tu' reasonably priced car.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Hello and welcome! Hello! Thank you so much, thank you and welcome to a brand new series.
Now, in this series we thought we'd aim it at a slightly more mature, older audience, so we did a thing on why beige is the right colour for your car.
Erm, we did I went on a coach tour of North Wales.
And then, and then we found out the BBC is putting us up against Strictly Come Sequins.
The same time, on the other side! Now, everyone over the age of 85 is gonna be watching that, so we had to throw all our hard work away, and literally, yesterday morning, begin again.
Here comes a taster now of what we've been able to cobble together.
Blinkers on, and off we go! Aagh! Ha-ha! Wow! This is great! Right, San Tropez.
Please can I go home? No! Go, go, go! Come o-o-o-on! Check it out! Forward into the pages of history! This is important work.
Stig's Communist cousin.
Goodbye, Mr May! It's Hakkinen! Now, I'm just utterly lost.
Back to the studio.
Hey, that's my line! ALL LAUGH APPLAUSE Not bad, hey? All that in 24 hours.
So anyway, that's what's coming up in the series.
Now, let's get on with tonight, has bought Volkswagen, and as a result every hedge in the world has gone bust.
I've no idea what any of that means, but I do understand this, it is the GTII, it's a lightweight, stripped out, hardcore two-wheel drive version of the Turbo.
And I've been out on the track to see what it's like.
Aaaaaaagh! Aaaaaaagh! Aaaaaaagh! And that concludes my road test of the GTII.
It's terrifying.
Which is why, if I wanted a really fast two-seater, I'd get one of these.
Some people have said in the last year or so that the Lamborghini Gallardo is just an Audi R8 with a fancy name and a bigger price tag.
Not any more it isn't.
This new model, daintily called the LP560-4, looks pretty much the same as the old model.
But it's 20 kilograms lighter, and more powerful.
It now has a 5.
2-litre V10, which produces 552 horsepowers.
That means this streak of white lightning is faster even than the old Gallardo Super Legera.
It's faster, too, than a Ferrari Scuderia.
That thing has launched control, you put it in first, built the boost up to 13lb per square inch, dump the clutch, and you're off.
This has something called thrust control.
I think that sounds like the hero in an airport thriller - Thrust Control.
What you do, put it in Corsa, which meanssomething.
Turn off the traction control, like so.
Left foot on the brake, build the revs up Oh, my God! Wow! That's so fast.
So, the Lamborghini is faster, and it's nicer to drive as well.
In a corner, the GTII was all over the place, the wheel was bucking and riding, the back end was playing hopscotch, the front end was pitter-pattering.
Look at it! I can see it here, look, following me around on this rear-view camera, it's like being chased around by a turbocharged, newly-born albino smoking horse! Don't get me wrong, this is still very Lamborghin-ish.
Loud, big grunt But behind the shouty, get out of my way exterior beats the heart of a big four-wheel-drive softie.
I'm not kidding, anyone could get into this and drive it very fast straight away, no problem at all.
MUSIC: THE ARCHERS THEME Drawbacks? You have to have the flappy paddle gear box, which is annoying some of the time.
Like for instance when you're parking.
But the option is the six-speed manual, which comes with the clutch pedal, and that means there's nowhere to put your left foot.
And that's annoying all the time.
So far as styling's concerned, the GTII is just a squashed Volkswagen Beetle with a wing on the back.
The Lamborghini on the other hand will probably go down in automotive history as one of the all-time great-looking cars.
Especially with its pointy new Reventon-style nose.
They say this new shape is much less damaging to any pedestrians you might hit.
But, if I were a pedestrian, and I saw one of these things coming, I'd just go As I see it, there's just one drawback to this low-riding Lambo.
At £147,000, it's even more expensive than a loaf of bread.
So, it's your choice, really.
You can have a dog.
Aaarrghhh! Or a car that can be driven by one.
How can you not like the GTII, you great, fat, balding, useless, hopeless, bandy-legged bubble head, pointless, talentless, gutless, cowardly, witless lump of suede shoe-wearing daft-jean wearing idiocy? I knew you were gonna say that.
All of that? So I've decided that we're gonna settle this on the track, OK? That means handing these cars over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that he sleeps inside out.
And that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine.
All we know is, he's called The Stig! And he's off! Just a hint of wheelspin, but then it digs in, this thing really is ferocious off the line.
The green Lambo here, Stig trying to mount the white one! Very composed through the first corner, like to see the Porsche try that! BEEPING Yes, Stig appears to have started listening to Morse code, very strange, or maybe it's him making that noise! Belts it through Chicago.
Now, Hammerhead Four-wheel drive, of course, that should keep it tidy.
Yes, it does! Not a hint of understeer, just a wall of that V10 noise.
BEEPING And Morse code.
Now, Follow-through.
Look at that, he's having to use a flick of opposite lock, Stig's really going for it! Steps out again after the tyres, steady on, you Morse-crazed mentalist! Two corners left, still working hard, only Gambon to go now.
Look at this! Here he comes, he just glides it through, and across the line! The Lamborghini did it in 1.
19.
5, that's quicker than the Scuderia, I said.
Now let's do the news.
No, no, no! Very good, but what about the Porsche? No, what did the Porsche do it in? I don't think anybody's interested.
It was faster, wasn't it? What time did the GTII manage? Tell me the time for the Porsche.
It's caught fire.
I don't know how that happened, it's literally spontaneously combusted! Where does it go on the board? Can't see any more.
It was an hour.
An hour? Yeah, I'm sorry, mate, that's it.
That is pathetic! It has come to this, let's do the news, as I said.
Right, the news.
And of course we have been off the air for a while.
God, he's such a child.
Yes, where is he, anyway? I don't know, in the audience flicking people's ears and blaming people Excuse me.
Hi.
What a man.
What a man! Or Ah! Twice on the trot! Still, never mind, Lewis, next year, third time lucky.
But why do we record this on a Wednesday? I've no idea.
If we did it on a Sunday, we'd know by now.
world.
I'll tell you what, if we recorded on a Sunday, we'd know who won Strictly Come Dancing, and then we could tell everybody.
Now, OK, there has been a financial crisis.
Is it the first time you've heard of it? What happened in essence as far as I could work out is because we were off the air, everyone got bored, so banks started lending money they hadn't got to other banks that gave the non-existent money to Mexicans in southern California who couldn't pay it back.
Now as a result your cars are all worthless.
Yeah.
I think what I've done there is summarised the financial crisis quite well.
You done it nicely.
I was having dinner with a man.
We were talking about the financial problems, and he said he bought a Volkswagen Phaeton, the five-litre V10.
He paid £60,000 for it, 18 months ago, just been offered 17.
Ow! That's £85 a day depreciation on a Volkswagen.
You're gonna feel that.
I can beat that.
Really? Yes, the Aston Martin V8 Vantage, a nice one, £88,000, list price We know somebody who's got one of these, actually.
Yeah, we do, it's, erm, hang on, er Oh, no! It's the Clarksons! That's it, I knew somebody I'm not going to enjoy this, am I? No, do carry on, please.
A car just like yours The one you've got.
It was £88,000 new, with a few extras on it, guess how much that was worth a year later? What? £44,000.
Half its value gone.
Halved its va? Anyone here got a V8 Vantage? Well, you're all better off as a result.
Has anybody here got a Vanquish? Here? Yeah.
No, cos they're here, James.
That's very true.
That's even worse, that's £175,000 - guess how much that car was worth after 10,000 miles? Guess how much he got.
No idea.
£50,000.
That's 125 grand in 10,000 miles! So that means if his nearest shop is two miles away, if he pops out for a pint of milk, that's 50 quid.
Yes.
£50 for a pint? That's £50 in depreciation, that doesn't include, you know, tyre wear, petrol, insurance, milk You see, I get my milk from the back of a cow, it's much cheaper.
From the back of a c? That's not milk.
LAUGHTER Under a cow.
It's not just Astons.
Mercedes Benz CL 600, the big coupe Yes.
2004, how much do you think it was worth then? Well it depends on a million things, like, is it baby diarrhoea brown? No, it's black.
Has it done a million miles? No, it's done 30,000 miles.
Four-year-old, they're 100 grand, those things.
About four years ago, about 100 grand? Yep.
So £100,000, four years old, 30,000 miles, in black, with extras, 50? 55.
For a hundred grand car? I'd have given him a 16 and a half.
I'd have gone 17.
Are you watching? How do you feel now? Yeah, you sold it cheap! I'll tell you exactly what's happened here, Since 1993, the whole world of flash cars has been playing musical chairs, and the music has just stopped, so whatever colour you've got now, or house, that's it for life.
James, bad news, the Dacia Sandero.
The what? The Dacia Sandero is not coming to the UK.
Oh! AUDIENCE: Oh! Now, er, British car British sports car makers, heroic chaps in sheds, they've always been able to pretty much melt your heart with their creativity, with the fantastic swooping curves of an E-Type Jaguar or an Aston Martin DB7.
And now, there's a new British sports car.
And here it is.
Good grief! Is that a car or the shed he built it in with some wheels? It's the Jet Stream SC250, it costs you £30,000, and it's made in Cornwall.
Is it made out of tin? No.
Clotted cream? Strawberry wheels Does it spend every night on Harlyn Bay trying to snog public school girls? While smoking marijuana? None of these jokes are working with this audience, but they are in my house.
I know what you mean! Yes.
Actually, I have to say, I do feel for the poor bloke who's launched this, Are you saying all British sports car manufacturers who optimistically set up in a shed and think they can do better than Porsche go bust? What, like TVR? Yes.
Marcos? Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Ginetta.
No! Are Ginetta still going? They are.
Well, there's hope for him yet! Erm, a really good report in the papers this week, and in Shropshire, somebody went to one of those speed cameras, put a tyre over it, a blanket over the top of the whole ensemble then poured petrol on it and set it alight.
The fire brigade spokesman said it was "a deliberate attack".
Now listen, a lot of, in the current financial crisis, a lot of people won't be going on holiday next year to the Caribbean, or indeed anywhere even remotely exotic.
But don't worry because I think I've come up with a solution for you.
Check it out.
Good grief! It's a company in the Isle of Wight that's modified a Citroen by fitting it with a hat.
Yeah.
Do you know, it cost £19,000? What's that, is that a window, or do you sort of unzip it, climb in, and put your head through it? Look, I've come as a Citroen! It's like one of those things at Pontin's - go on, kids, stick your face through the Citroen.
At £19,000.
For a Citroen costume! And it only has one bed.
Well, he's not gonna have a friend, is he? No.
You won't need two! Lorry drivers - they're always telling us they have got a very hard job.
As far as we can work out, they go to work, sit down and then go home again.
Yeah.
How hard can that be? To find out, the producers gave us each £5,000 and told us to use our extensive knowledge of lorries and lorrying to try and buy the best trucks we could find.
Then we were told to report to our test track where we would find out what it's actually like to be a lorryist.
No, the purple one was biscuit and raisin.
No.
Yes, it had little bits of biscuit in it.
The blue was the original.
Blue has nothing extra.
Yes, that was.
Just chocolate.
And then they did the pink one, which was only.
.
EH? They never did a pink one! They did.
It was called It's For Girls and they only sold it on the Isle of Man.
Not a lot of people know that.
At exactly 9.
14, the lorries turned up.
Brilliant.
Good.
Using our massive knowledge of HGVs, we set about explaining why we bought what we'd bought.
May, which one's yours? Scania D94.
This is the sleeper cab, which has got the extra bit on the back where you can sleep.
They also did it as a day cab, which didn't have that bit so you couldn't sleep in it.
He doesn't know anything.
What colour is it, James? What have you got then? A lorry.
What sort? A big one.
Clearly.
It's a Renault.
the engine, so it has a flat floor and that means The floor's flat.
.
.
it's easier to fit the carpet.
Come on, Hammond.
Show me what you've got.
I have this.
What is it? It's an Erf.
This was hopeless.
So we resorted to our lorry crib sheets.
Has yours got Is all this just my lorry? but it's still pretty big.
Nine litres.
The thing is Did you just buy a shed? Yours is tiny.
It is ridiculously small.
That's a Caterham of the lorry world.
Right.
And the point of that is? Well, there's bound to be a speed test.
You think your lightweight It's a Lotus lorry.
Yeah.
No, not that.
In less developed countries, such as Australia and America, people like to decorate and personalise their lorries.
You will now go away and do the same.
I'm gonna need a hell of a lot of paint.
Once our lorries had been redecorated, we were told to meet at Top Gear's secret Alpine test location in Bedfordshire.
Richard had tried to make his lorry look more American by fitting a bonnet, which was actually a dog kennel.
James had gone for a gay and friendly Indian look.
And I hadn't.
Damn it.
So, time for the next challenge.
What matters to lorry drivers? Murdering prostitutes And fuel economy.
Load.
Breakfast.
You must now demonstrate your lorry driving skills by power sliding your trucks around I presume it is that skid pad.
What is the point? You can't power slide lorries anyway.
Technically, you can't power slide anything.
To prove that it's possible you will now watch a demonstration by our tame racing driver.
Some say that his favourite all-time tune is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material.
All we know is, he's not The Stig but he is The Stig's lorry-driving cousin.
On the highway to hell On the highway to hell Look, he's got the lorry driver's suntan.
Oh, sunburn.
I see, yes.
He's really as big as the American Stig.
Rig Stig.
Rig Stig climbed into his tuned man and set off.
Look at that! That's fantastic.
I love the smell of burning rubber in the morning when it is coming off that.
That is power sliding now.
He's doing a doughnut! Run for your lives! James, what do you reckon? You can do that? Piece of cake.
Gingerly, we hit the skid pan.
This strip I've put here, I can't really see where I'm going.
Take the outside line second gear high range.
Power sliding is easy in a car.
Turn in, no power on.
That's not gone as well as I'd hoped.
Here we go.
A slide.
Come on, you're a racing truck.
This is what you should be good at.
Oh, my bonnet I've driven over my own bonnet.
Left foot braking, there's the answer.
That didn't work, so I gave it more welly.
And that really didn't work.
No, no! Yeah, I'll do some of that.
It doesn't work.
Meanwhile, in the Renault Come on! Spin! Ow! Lorry driving, it turns out, is quite a lot harder than I thought.
Have you done something to your leg as well? Yeah, the gear lever's gone up my arse.
After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom, we moved on to the next challenge.
I've lost the suspension linkages.
On your leg? No, on the lorry.
You will now drive to Milbrook's High Speed Bowl.
You see! I told you there'd be a speed test.
But, first, you must hitch up a trailer and get there via the Alpine handling course.
That's hundreds of miles.
No.
It's here, you idiot.
It's just over there.
This is where car makers test the handling of their new models.
It's also where James Bond rolled his Aston Martin in Casino Royale.
In a car, it is huge fun.
In a lorry it probably isn't.
From the moment you arrive at the Alpine course, you have three minutes to get round.
You will also need to drive smoothly because your trailer is full of valuables.
Valuables? Valuables? They weren't kidding.
Richard's trailer contained a car that hadn't been fastened down.
Mine contained an enormous wedding-cake.
And in Jeremy's , there was some straw, which didn't seem so bad but at the other end there was an electric fire.
First though, we had to get the trailers attached to our lorries.
Where's my truck? There's no back window.
I don't see why this needs to be all that difficult.
Which way is that now? So I need to get that Hammond, being familiar with farmyard machinery, was confident of a quick hitch up.
Easy.
Us two, however Well, where does that go? Didn't think this would be difficult and it's not.
It's done.
The space between the cab Yours is done? Yeah.
If a lorry driver can do that, why isn't he a brain surgeon? Scale.
You know how he's finished Hi.
You're looking smug.
Eventually, some men came to help James and I, which gave me a chance to mend my window.
Why are you doing that? Because I can't see where I'm going.
Didn't you think of that when you put it on? No.
Finally, we were ready to go.
Away we go.
You know the, "I've done it, I've finished" - you know that bit? Maybe the pin's broken.
No.
It could just be a faulty bracket that holds the No.
OK, you're in there.
Eventually, we were ready to go again.
Sorry about that.
Right, we're off.
Forgive me for saying this, but how hard can it be? Can somebody bring the forklift back? So, third time lucky.
This is brilliant.
Oi! It was just over a mile from the hitching point to the Alpine course, but that was enough to give us a taste of what it's like to be a real lorry-driver.
For starters, there's the sheer number of gears.
First, into first and a half.
Second.
Two and a half.
In a car, you can go from 1000 rpm to seven or 8000.
In this, its 1200 to 1500.
And then you have to change gear.
Get in! Get in! And when you finally reach and you have to start all over again.
Now I've just been overtaken by someone who has now slowed down.
Don't stop! That's the car.
Why can't it just be? Somebody get a move on up there.
If I have to start from the beginning of my gears again, I'll kill myself.
First, first and a half.
Just let the lorry go, always let the lorry go.
Because this is a hard job and I'm not just saying that to win favour with lorry drivers, it's a hard job.
Change gear, change gear, change gear, check your mirrors, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder.
Still, because I'd removed some of my stealth paint, I could at least see where it was going.
Sort of.
What's that noise? Jez is making a right hash of that.
You clipped a car.
Whose car? Don't know but they will notice.
We then took a wrong turn and ended up on a road where they test vehicle suspension.
That wasn't such a problem for me in my sprung cab.
But as for Hammond I'm worried I may be bounced out of the cab.
Eventually, we arrived at the start of the Alpine course, which also meant our first encounter with a hill.
Jeremy, you've only got two feet.
Every time I come off the brake in order to get on to the throttle, which you have to do, it rolls backwards.
About eight inches.
Try using the handbrake like you would in, oh, I don't know, a car.
The twists and turns of the Alpine course were waiting for us Get in gear! Come on.
No, no.
Yes! It's a drag race between me and Captain Slow.
Come on, Magnum.
Oh God.
Plainly, in the heat of battle, James and Jeremy about their delicate cargoes.
Clarkson's got the inside line.
It's getting a bit narrow here.
No.
Oh Lord.
Yes! I've got Slow.
After my poor start, I too had little concern for my precious load.
It sounds like a charging rhino running up and down the trailer behind me.
Back at the front, Slow was refusing to give in.
That's close.
I'm going to take him here.
I've got a plan.
I can't turn in that.
You weren't ready for that, Slow! Down a bit of a hill.
Carry some Woah, woah! That was I didn't want to do what I just did.
I'm in the lead! Unfortunately in all the excitement, I forgot to change down for the steep hill.
No! No! It's dying on me.
No! No! No! You! It does understeer, this lorry.
Right, got to change ratios.
Next box, there you go.
Get a go in these things and suddenly you start to feel just how much power they have got to give.
Yeah! Snap gear changes.
Captain Clumsy had severed my air lines and all the brakes were jammed on.
I absolutely hope James May wakes up in the morning and 10,000 insects are in his underpants.
HE LAUGHS In exactly just over three minutes, I was the first to finish.
HE LAUGHS Now let's have a look at my cake.
Ah That's what he hit.
He is the clumsiest man in the known world.
I'll just straighten it up a bit.
Hammond, meanwhile, was just crossing the finishing line.
I'll be honest, I think the headlamps, tail-lamps, because I heard a clunk at that end, and then a clunk at that end and then a lot more clunks and then it stopped and got smoother and smoother.
Headlights are going to be smashed to bits.
I daren't look.
Yes, I know, it's bad, I'm sorry.
It's worse than that.
I was now on the move again and flying.
Now come on, up the hill.
Is that bad for my points? Yeah.
More to the point, where is it? I don't know.
Then Jeremy arrived.
Fire! You're on fire! Have we got the next challenge, lads? How can we be this rubbish? This is totally So, anyway, how was your car? Car's interesting.
Stolen.
That's what it is, I've just thought of it now, stolen.
The damnedest thing.
That is actually quite bad now.
It is, that's on fire.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE OK, we're going to put that out and pick it up later on, but nownow we've got to move on.
My guest tonight is from Yorkshire.
CHEERING So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our Star In The Reasonably Priced - my arse, it cost a fortune, that thing! - Car, Sir Michael Parkinson.
How are you? CHEERING A legend has come among us.
Have a seat.
Have a seat.
APPLAUSE CONTINUES I'm a bit nervous about this one.
I bet you are(!) When was the last time you were nervous? Well, the Obi-Wan Kenobi of the interview world is setting being interviewed by young Luke.
It's easier being interviewed, let me tell you.
I don't know about that.
You've obviously never interviewed yourself.
It's the funniest thing, when I said you were from Yorkshire there - did you hear? - everyone was like, "Wah-hay!" Well, not everyone, but you don't get that with Nottinghamshire? Nor Leicestershire.
Our guest tonight is from Leicestershire.
SOMEONE BOOS Are you still proud of being a Yorkshireman? I love being a Yorkshireman.
Why do you live in Maidenhead? The same reason you live down here - because the BBC isn't up in Yorkshire.
If the BBC was in Doncaster, I might never have moved.
I think I might.
LAUGHTER It's that sort of whole Yorkshire thing.
We could do it for hours, "Oh, my dad were poorer than your dad.
" It's a Monty Python sketch.
It is, absolutely.
"My dad, 14 years old, left school, bronchitis, consumption, "diphtheria, got a job as a butcher's boy, worked 27 hour a day, "and paid butcher for permission to come to work," etc.
But your dad was the same, from what I hear? He was a miner.
He loved being a Yorkshireman.
He was very proud of being a Yorkshireman.
And he said I'd been doing the talk show for about 10 years - he said "You've had a good time, eh, lad?" I said, "I've had a wonderful time.
" "Made a bob or two?" I said, "I have.
" "And you've met all them lovely birds and all that stuff.
" I said, "I have.
" He said, "Think on, though, good as that might be, it's not like playing for Yorkshire at cricket, is it?" And of course, in his view, that defined immortality, not fame.
Anybody who's appeared on television is merely famous.
Those days, if you've played for Yorkshire, wore the white rose, you're immortal.
He walked, didn't he, to go and see them? No, his grandadhis father, my grandad, walked to Leeds.
From Barnsley? From Barnsley.
Which is 30 miles.
It was, but he only left the village once in his entire lifetime to go to the seaside.
Now, my granny, when she died, she'd never set foot outside the borough of Doncaster.
By gum.
I don't know.
Never once.
My father was 66 or seven before he went on an aeroplane.
And when I got a bit of money, we decided we'd send him and my mother, she'd never been away before, on an aeroplane.
So we arrived at British Airways and we were going to fly them off, first class, look after him.
Right, when they came back two weeks later I said, "What's the matter?" She said, "Your father, it's silly.
"He just lets me down.
" I said, "What's the story? Calm down.
" She said, "We got on the airplane, as soon as we left, this nice young man came along and said, 'Would you like a drink?' He said 'Yes, I'd like a pint of bitter.
'" First class? First class.
They said, "Sorry, we don't serve bitter, Mr Parkinson, on this airplane.
" "Don't serve bitter? "What kind of plane is this?" The man said, "But you don't understand.
"Champagne?" "I can't afford champagne.
" The man said, "No, you don't understand, Mr Parkinson, it's free.
" "Free?" says my old man, "Bring it on.
" My mother said, "Do you know," she said, "he got so drunk "that after his meal he offered to wash up.
" Seriously? That's wonderful.
Now I know and respect you, more actually than a chat show, as a journalist.
That's where you began, on the local newspapers in Mexborough, wasn't it? Actually, I was a district man.
I covered a nest of pit villages in Royston and Cuddeth and all round there.
Do you think that sets you up, being a hack, for being the chat show legend that you became? Everything I've ever done has been informed by that training that I did, by the apprenticeship that I served.
When I look back of my life, writing my autobiography as I have been doing, I've been amazed that there is a common thread through it, and that's journalism.
It's my love of journalism, it's the fascination I had for the job and still have for the job.
Now the chat show now, obviously this week, there's all sorts of issues around chat shows, but let's put it this way.
There are fewer chat shows on the television now than there were last week.
This is true.
Do you think, leaving that aside, that it's kind of had its day now? No, I don't think it's had its day.
I think that the people who run television decided that the conversational kind of chat show which we're having now, which my show is based on, that's gone.
I reckon they think that's as dead as a dodo.
And the only way it's going to survive in their mind is by doing the show that Jonathan does or Did.
LAUGHTER It's a show based on comedy, with a guy who's happy to play a major part in it, which is the antithesis, really, of doing an interview.
If you do an interview, you the interviewer, subjugate yourself to allow that other person in front of you to actually blossom if possible.
Don't you think that these days, let's say when you left to show, finished recording, if the guests hadn't been very interesting, it was kind of their fault and their problem.
I never took that view.
I always thought if it was a bad interview it was my fault.
Really? Without a doubt.
So Meg Ryan? Meg Ryan was my fault.
No, Meg Ryan wasn't an interview, it was a car crash, for God's sake! And of course when that happened with her, and God knows why she was in that kind of mood, I don't know, but the fact of the matter is, the drama of it, the discomfort of it, is what they love to see.
They love to see the host getting it in the neck like that.
It's kill the quarterback time.
You? Yeah.
But you don't think it was your fault? It wasn't my fault, no, but I was responsible for it and I could have handled it differently.
Really? I think so.
When I said to her, "You've been a journalist, what should I do now?" She said, "Wrap it up.
" I didn't.
LAUGHTER Because these days, people in the public eye, you might call them celebrities, they get every aspect of their lives turned over every day by Heat magazine and the tabloid newspapers and so on and they don't have much to give and actually don't want to give.
The only way you'll get people half the time to come Which is, sorry to ask this, but how did you deal with the you've got to Get rid of it up top.
Get rid of the plugging up top? Get it in the intro.
I wondered when this might happen.
I'm trying to think of a this.
What you do, you do an intro.
You do an intro? It's a bit late now, I've done the intro.
Then wait for me to say, "What is that you have there?" I'll tell you what it is, Michael, it's your CD.
Thank you.
What's it called, Jeremy? It's called My Life In Music.
And what's it about? Well, I tell you what LAUGHTER You see, this is literally the master I'm learning from here.
It's the music that was on the show and on my radio show and it's some of the people, all the people we had on the show.
And it's also people we discovered - Michael Buble and people like that.
It reflects my love of music, the other thing you would know about Yorkshire is the tradition of music there.
There isn't one brass band on here.
There's a big band.
Can we just move it on to cars, if you don't mind? Was that OK? Very smooth segue.
I see you as a Jag man.
I've had a Jag or two.
I've got a Merc at present.
Which one? S500.
That's worth about a tenner.
LAUGHTER Why did you switch to the Merc? I felt like it.
They've got more room in the back, too.
I've got a driver now.
Oh, driver.
What would your dad say? I don't like driving.
Do you not? No, it's boring, For Christ's sake, it's awful.
It's really, really boring.
This is a man who likes cricket.
I like being driven to cricket.
Now, look, your lap, you're here obviously to drive a reasonably priced car.
Now then, how did we do? Well, you're 73 years old now.
Most people at your age are watching Strictly Come Dancing.
LAUGHTER Shall we have a look at the lap? Play the tape.
Start scared and end up wanting to be like the Stig, stay down here.
You're mumbling, that a man at peace with himself, when he mumbles.
A tidy line through there, got to be honest.
Very tidy.
Can't see anything wrong with that.
Look at that.
That's not bad at all.
A big, curly bend.
Curly bend? This is the world-famous Hammerhead.
And you are doing it Well, about as perfectly as I've ever There you are.
Here we go, flat through here.
Oh, yeah.
And across the skiddy bit.
I love these two bits.
Whee! Close to the tyres, he moved the tyres! Look at that, you've got the second to last corner worked out nicely.
We're in 16 by 9 as we go across the line.
And there we are.
CHEERING More fun than Meg Ryan? Much more, most fun I've ever had on television.
Really? Yeah.
So here we are, here are the people, all of whom you will have met, I'm sure and interviewed.
Yes.
Where do you think you might have come? Well, I think bottom half, I think between Ray Winstone and Alan Carr.
No.
No? Higher? Oh, yeah.
Did I beat Billie Piper? Did you beat Billie Piper? And James Blunt? No, I'll tell you what you did.
A and that means you are there.
Quicker than Ronnie Wood.
I've beaten your great hero, Michael Gambon.
You never interviewed him, did you? He wouldn't do it.
He did it for you.
We've had him twice.
I know you have.
Mind you, I tell you what, in the absence of a chat show on BBC One for the forthcoming few weeks, you should see our guest list for the rest of the year! Michael, it's been an absolute joy.
I'm nervous as hell all the way through but you've been a superstar.
Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Michael Parkinson.
CHEERING Now, earlier, the three of us had used our extensive knowledge of lorrying to buy HGVs and it wasn't going well.
especially for Jeremy, who'd ended up with a gear lever in his bottom and his truck on fire.
Still, we rejoin the action after we'd addressed those issues.
My lorry was in a pretty poor state.
Despite this, the producers threw us straight into the next challenge.
"Since you've now had some practice at lorrying, and you are coming on well" I think we are.
I'm not.
"We shall now see whose lorry is the fastest.
"To do this, you will have to take the limiters off.
" I was going to say, they're all limited to 56, aren't they? Half an hour later, the limiters had been deactivated.
I'm going to drive this ruined, ancient, burned lorry around here faster than Her Majesty's government deem to be safe.
The venue for this hairbrain test was the fearsome two-mile bowl.
But Hammond, in his Caterer was relishing the challenge.
This is my sports trucks territory! However, my lightened convertible Magnum wasn't hanging around either.
My 12-litre Magnum has splashed the 9-litre Scalia and splashed it enormously! I'm doing 60.
Eat my Magnum! Yeah! Things were less exciting in James's world.
'I was staggered by the speed of my Magnum!' I'm going 70 miles an hour in a lorry! But then, Hammond found another gear.
Ha! I'm on the way to 75 now.
So my lorry is, what's the word? It's faster, your GTI lorry is quick.
We continue to pound round until eventually we hit our top speeds.
Hammond, though, was touching 90.
Yeah, thank you! But then we received instructions that we had to stop.
Oh, cock! The cameramen retreated to a safe distance.
Brake too gently you won't pull up, brake too hard, you'll lock up the trailer's rear wheels, you'll jack-knife and roll.
Well, I'd rather not do either of those.
In fact, James discovered there is a terrifying third way of stopping a big lorry.
Was it really that frightening? Yes.
We've got another challenge.
I'm not interested.
No, you will be.
It says, "You now have to do a hill start.
"This is a test of driving precision.
" It is, James, you've got to balance your handbrake, you clutch, your throttle.
You love all that stuff.
Yeah, precision.
And it says "The winner will receive a year's supply of gentlemen's literature.
" FLUSHING We're back.
We're back as a team.
The literature in question was all very exciting, but the hill start was even better.
Our trucks would be placed on a slope and then, to focus our minds, items close to our hearts would be placed behind them.
In Jeremy's case, we went for his beloved drum-kit.
Are you scared? On the drums, Jeremy Clarkson's lorry.
Very much on the drums.
I'm very fond of my drum-kit.
Drum roll Backwards down the hill! Shut up.
Mirror.
I think he's taking it very seriously.
Come on.
Get on with it, Clarkson! 'The fate of my drum-kit rested on me being strong enough to engage the Renault's crawler gear.
' This is it.
The moment.
Aw Aw The one thing the Renault Magnum can do is a hill-start.
Now, we're not petty, but He just clipped it on the way back.
Mate, so close.
I know, you must have It never moved an inch.
You've smashed my drum-kit up.
You've smashed my drum-kit up! 'Never mind, Hammond was next and I would strike down upon him with great vengeance and furious anger.
' I think he's going to be quite cross with us.
Have you seen what he's done to the number plate? Oh, for God's sake.
Personal plates.
He is such a pikey.
No! Well, it was your dog or that.
Evil BLEEP! My lorry didn't have a crawler gear.
Ooh! Ah! Do you want to use it as a chock? No! I can't do it! Do you want to give in? Yes.
OK, he's giving in.
May, it's your turn.
Thanks to James's extended lavatory break, it was now getting dark.
But there was no way we were going to stop.
We've been round to James's house and we've relieved him of his prized grand piano.
Are you joking? No.
Sadly though, even before the test began, there was an issue.
Don't film that.
Just don't film.
Let's film something over here.
What's more, our repair job wasn't brilliant.
When he finds that his precious piano is propped up by a mountain of pornography, he is going to go ape.
OK, May, let it rock.
He'll be very good at this.
He likes this sort of thing.
See look, feeling the power.
Jeremy Run.
Yes, run away.
Keep the porn! You can have that.
'We hoped that would be that, but no.
' The producers said we had to meet up at the Top Gear test track the next day for one final challenge.
It says, "This is a test of speed, braking and toughness all and one.
"You must accelerate to 56 miles an hour, drive through an obstacle and then stop as quickly as possible.
"Whoever does that in the shortest distance will win a year's supply of pies.
" What do they mean by obstacle? Doesn't say.
What sort of pies? We really did have no idea what sort of obstacles we'd be driving through.
But we could see the windscreens were being heavily fortified with mesh, so it probably wouldn't be balloons.
And so, with a sense of trepidation, I lined up on the start line and set off.
I bet Hammond's pissing himself, but think of his book's sales.
They're massive.
Come on, build, build, build.
He hasn't got long to write it.
Here we go.
This might hurt.
My truck had taken a wallop, but the distance covered was extremely short.
This annoyed my colleagues.
I don't think that's fair.
What? Well, he had a huge structure that will have slowed him down, so therefore his stopping difference will have been less.
So if my obstacle is very solid, I'll just stop.
And you'll win.
You'll be killed, but you'll win.
It hardly slowed me.
Rubbish! No, I needed Rubbish, you were barely moving coming out of the other side of that.
Hoping for a more solid impact than Hammond's, I began to roll.
Oh, my Lord.
I'm glad I'm not in his lorry now.
Here it comes.
Bracing, bracing.
After the crash, my friends were deeply concerned.
He's woken up stuck in a lorry cab with five firemen.
Sadly, my lorry had travelled 40 yards further than the airfield, even though I'd taken out If you were going to have a meeting in an office somewhere, I'm sorry, I've just spoiled it for you.
Here we go.
So now, only the mighty Magnum could beat Hammond.
This isn't fair.
That'll slow him much better than my stupid building.
Have we had lunch? Hard down Here we go! Ah! Ah! Ah! 'The impact was a bit nasty, but before seeking medical attention, there was some arguing to be done.
' You may have beaten me there, and if you did that's just because you had a better obstacle than I had.
Rubbish! You had a brick wall, I had wooden walls.
Measure it.
Let's measure it.
I tell you, I promise you Ow, this actually really hurts.
See, how many lorries are trashed on that Strictly Come Dancing thing? None.
Now, we should explain, the impact that I had there was pretty severe.
My ankle burst where the clutch pedal went through it, my head was dislodged from my spine.
And really, we've ended up with a Top Gear top tip.
If you are a lorryist and you're going to have an accident and there's a choice of something to hit, avoid anything with bricks in it.
Always swerve and go for the big pile of mineral water.
Yes, that's a safer bet.
Anyway, we have done a scoreboard.
It's hopeless to be honest and massively complicated, but the upshot of it is this I got 60 points.
Hammond, you got minus 25.
And Jeremy, you got A gear lever in his bottom.
A gear lever in his bottom and minus 3,560.
Why did I get that? You just did.
Whatever.
We have proved we have proved that the Scania P94D is the best truck in Britain today.
And next week we have more lorries on, in fact, because we've been to America to test some muscle cars.
So we'll see you then, unless of course you're all watching the sequinned has-beens on the other side.
Take care, good night.
How much lorry-ing can you get for £5,000? And Michael Parkinson has a go in tu' reasonably priced car.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Hello and welcome! Hello! Thank you so much, thank you and welcome to a brand new series.
Now, in this series we thought we'd aim it at a slightly more mature, older audience, so we did a thing on why beige is the right colour for your car.
Erm, we did I went on a coach tour of North Wales.
And then, and then we found out the BBC is putting us up against Strictly Come Sequins.
The same time, on the other side! Now, everyone over the age of 85 is gonna be watching that, so we had to throw all our hard work away, and literally, yesterday morning, begin again.
Here comes a taster now of what we've been able to cobble together.
Blinkers on, and off we go! Aagh! Ha-ha! Wow! This is great! Right, San Tropez.
Please can I go home? No! Go, go, go! Come o-o-o-on! Check it out! Forward into the pages of history! This is important work.
Stig's Communist cousin.
Goodbye, Mr May! It's Hakkinen! Now, I'm just utterly lost.
Back to the studio.
Hey, that's my line! ALL LAUGH APPLAUSE Not bad, hey? All that in 24 hours.
So anyway, that's what's coming up in the series.
Now, let's get on with tonight, has bought Volkswagen, and as a result every hedge in the world has gone bust.
I've no idea what any of that means, but I do understand this, it is the GTII, it's a lightweight, stripped out, hardcore two-wheel drive version of the Turbo.
And I've been out on the track to see what it's like.
Aaaaaaagh! Aaaaaaagh! Aaaaaaagh! And that concludes my road test of the GTII.
It's terrifying.
Which is why, if I wanted a really fast two-seater, I'd get one of these.
Some people have said in the last year or so that the Lamborghini Gallardo is just an Audi R8 with a fancy name and a bigger price tag.
Not any more it isn't.
This new model, daintily called the LP560-4, looks pretty much the same as the old model.
But it's 20 kilograms lighter, and more powerful.
It now has a 5.
2-litre V10, which produces 552 horsepowers.
That means this streak of white lightning is faster even than the old Gallardo Super Legera.
It's faster, too, than a Ferrari Scuderia.
That thing has launched control, you put it in first, built the boost up to 13lb per square inch, dump the clutch, and you're off.
This has something called thrust control.
I think that sounds like the hero in an airport thriller - Thrust Control.
What you do, put it in Corsa, which meanssomething.
Turn off the traction control, like so.
Left foot on the brake, build the revs up Oh, my God! Wow! That's so fast.
So, the Lamborghini is faster, and it's nicer to drive as well.
In a corner, the GTII was all over the place, the wheel was bucking and riding, the back end was playing hopscotch, the front end was pitter-pattering.
Look at it! I can see it here, look, following me around on this rear-view camera, it's like being chased around by a turbocharged, newly-born albino smoking horse! Don't get me wrong, this is still very Lamborghin-ish.
Loud, big grunt But behind the shouty, get out of my way exterior beats the heart of a big four-wheel-drive softie.
I'm not kidding, anyone could get into this and drive it very fast straight away, no problem at all.
MUSIC: THE ARCHERS THEME Drawbacks? You have to have the flappy paddle gear box, which is annoying some of the time.
Like for instance when you're parking.
But the option is the six-speed manual, which comes with the clutch pedal, and that means there's nowhere to put your left foot.
And that's annoying all the time.
So far as styling's concerned, the GTII is just a squashed Volkswagen Beetle with a wing on the back.
The Lamborghini on the other hand will probably go down in automotive history as one of the all-time great-looking cars.
Especially with its pointy new Reventon-style nose.
They say this new shape is much less damaging to any pedestrians you might hit.
But, if I were a pedestrian, and I saw one of these things coming, I'd just go As I see it, there's just one drawback to this low-riding Lambo.
At £147,000, it's even more expensive than a loaf of bread.
So, it's your choice, really.
You can have a dog.
Aaarrghhh! Or a car that can be driven by one.
How can you not like the GTII, you great, fat, balding, useless, hopeless, bandy-legged bubble head, pointless, talentless, gutless, cowardly, witless lump of suede shoe-wearing daft-jean wearing idiocy? I knew you were gonna say that.
All of that? So I've decided that we're gonna settle this on the track, OK? That means handing these cars over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that he sleeps inside out.
And that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine.
All we know is, he's called The Stig! And he's off! Just a hint of wheelspin, but then it digs in, this thing really is ferocious off the line.
The green Lambo here, Stig trying to mount the white one! Very composed through the first corner, like to see the Porsche try that! BEEPING Yes, Stig appears to have started listening to Morse code, very strange, or maybe it's him making that noise! Belts it through Chicago.
Now, Hammerhead Four-wheel drive, of course, that should keep it tidy.
Yes, it does! Not a hint of understeer, just a wall of that V10 noise.
BEEPING And Morse code.
Now, Follow-through.
Look at that, he's having to use a flick of opposite lock, Stig's really going for it! Steps out again after the tyres, steady on, you Morse-crazed mentalist! Two corners left, still working hard, only Gambon to go now.
Look at this! Here he comes, he just glides it through, and across the line! The Lamborghini did it in 1.
19.
5, that's quicker than the Scuderia, I said.
Now let's do the news.
No, no, no! Very good, but what about the Porsche? No, what did the Porsche do it in? I don't think anybody's interested.
It was faster, wasn't it? What time did the GTII manage? Tell me the time for the Porsche.
It's caught fire.
I don't know how that happened, it's literally spontaneously combusted! Where does it go on the board? Can't see any more.
It was an hour.
An hour? Yeah, I'm sorry, mate, that's it.
That is pathetic! It has come to this, let's do the news, as I said.
Right, the news.
And of course we have been off the air for a while.
God, he's such a child.
Yes, where is he, anyway? I don't know, in the audience flicking people's ears and blaming people Excuse me.
Hi.
What a man.
What a man! Or Ah! Twice on the trot! Still, never mind, Lewis, next year, third time lucky.
But why do we record this on a Wednesday? I've no idea.
If we did it on a Sunday, we'd know by now.
world.
I'll tell you what, if we recorded on a Sunday, we'd know who won Strictly Come Dancing, and then we could tell everybody.
Now, OK, there has been a financial crisis.
Is it the first time you've heard of it? What happened in essence as far as I could work out is because we were off the air, everyone got bored, so banks started lending money they hadn't got to other banks that gave the non-existent money to Mexicans in southern California who couldn't pay it back.
Now as a result your cars are all worthless.
Yeah.
I think what I've done there is summarised the financial crisis quite well.
You done it nicely.
I was having dinner with a man.
We were talking about the financial problems, and he said he bought a Volkswagen Phaeton, the five-litre V10.
He paid £60,000 for it, 18 months ago, just been offered 17.
Ow! That's £85 a day depreciation on a Volkswagen.
You're gonna feel that.
I can beat that.
Really? Yes, the Aston Martin V8 Vantage, a nice one, £88,000, list price We know somebody who's got one of these, actually.
Yeah, we do, it's, erm, hang on, er Oh, no! It's the Clarksons! That's it, I knew somebody I'm not going to enjoy this, am I? No, do carry on, please.
A car just like yours The one you've got.
It was £88,000 new, with a few extras on it, guess how much that was worth a year later? What? £44,000.
Half its value gone.
Halved its va? Anyone here got a V8 Vantage? Well, you're all better off as a result.
Has anybody here got a Vanquish? Here? Yeah.
No, cos they're here, James.
That's very true.
That's even worse, that's £175,000 - guess how much that car was worth after 10,000 miles? Guess how much he got.
No idea.
£50,000.
That's 125 grand in 10,000 miles! So that means if his nearest shop is two miles away, if he pops out for a pint of milk, that's 50 quid.
Yes.
£50 for a pint? That's £50 in depreciation, that doesn't include, you know, tyre wear, petrol, insurance, milk You see, I get my milk from the back of a cow, it's much cheaper.
From the back of a c? That's not milk.
LAUGHTER Under a cow.
It's not just Astons.
Mercedes Benz CL 600, the big coupe Yes.
2004, how much do you think it was worth then? Well it depends on a million things, like, is it baby diarrhoea brown? No, it's black.
Has it done a million miles? No, it's done 30,000 miles.
Four-year-old, they're 100 grand, those things.
About four years ago, about 100 grand? Yep.
So £100,000, four years old, 30,000 miles, in black, with extras, 50? 55.
For a hundred grand car? I'd have given him a 16 and a half.
I'd have gone 17.
Are you watching? How do you feel now? Yeah, you sold it cheap! I'll tell you exactly what's happened here, Since 1993, the whole world of flash cars has been playing musical chairs, and the music has just stopped, so whatever colour you've got now, or house, that's it for life.
James, bad news, the Dacia Sandero.
The what? The Dacia Sandero is not coming to the UK.
Oh! AUDIENCE: Oh! Now, er, British car British sports car makers, heroic chaps in sheds, they've always been able to pretty much melt your heart with their creativity, with the fantastic swooping curves of an E-Type Jaguar or an Aston Martin DB7.
And now, there's a new British sports car.
And here it is.
Good grief! Is that a car or the shed he built it in with some wheels? It's the Jet Stream SC250, it costs you £30,000, and it's made in Cornwall.
Is it made out of tin? No.
Clotted cream? Strawberry wheels Does it spend every night on Harlyn Bay trying to snog public school girls? While smoking marijuana? None of these jokes are working with this audience, but they are in my house.
I know what you mean! Yes.
Actually, I have to say, I do feel for the poor bloke who's launched this, Are you saying all British sports car manufacturers who optimistically set up in a shed and think they can do better than Porsche go bust? What, like TVR? Yes.
Marcos? Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Ginetta.
No! Are Ginetta still going? They are.
Well, there's hope for him yet! Erm, a really good report in the papers this week, and in Shropshire, somebody went to one of those speed cameras, put a tyre over it, a blanket over the top of the whole ensemble then poured petrol on it and set it alight.
The fire brigade spokesman said it was "a deliberate attack".
Now listen, a lot of, in the current financial crisis, a lot of people won't be going on holiday next year to the Caribbean, or indeed anywhere even remotely exotic.
But don't worry because I think I've come up with a solution for you.
Check it out.
Good grief! It's a company in the Isle of Wight that's modified a Citroen by fitting it with a hat.
Yeah.
Do you know, it cost £19,000? What's that, is that a window, or do you sort of unzip it, climb in, and put your head through it? Look, I've come as a Citroen! It's like one of those things at Pontin's - go on, kids, stick your face through the Citroen.
At £19,000.
For a Citroen costume! And it only has one bed.
Well, he's not gonna have a friend, is he? No.
You won't need two! Lorry drivers - they're always telling us they have got a very hard job.
As far as we can work out, they go to work, sit down and then go home again.
Yeah.
How hard can that be? To find out, the producers gave us each £5,000 and told us to use our extensive knowledge of lorries and lorrying to try and buy the best trucks we could find.
Then we were told to report to our test track where we would find out what it's actually like to be a lorryist.
No, the purple one was biscuit and raisin.
No.
Yes, it had little bits of biscuit in it.
The blue was the original.
Blue has nothing extra.
Yes, that was.
Just chocolate.
And then they did the pink one, which was only.
.
EH? They never did a pink one! They did.
It was called It's For Girls and they only sold it on the Isle of Man.
Not a lot of people know that.
At exactly 9.
14, the lorries turned up.
Brilliant.
Good.
Using our massive knowledge of HGVs, we set about explaining why we bought what we'd bought.
May, which one's yours? Scania D94.
This is the sleeper cab, which has got the extra bit on the back where you can sleep.
They also did it as a day cab, which didn't have that bit so you couldn't sleep in it.
He doesn't know anything.
What colour is it, James? What have you got then? A lorry.
What sort? A big one.
Clearly.
It's a Renault.
the engine, so it has a flat floor and that means The floor's flat.
.
.
it's easier to fit the carpet.
Come on, Hammond.
Show me what you've got.
I have this.
What is it? It's an Erf.
This was hopeless.
So we resorted to our lorry crib sheets.
Has yours got Is all this just my lorry? but it's still pretty big.
Nine litres.
The thing is Did you just buy a shed? Yours is tiny.
It is ridiculously small.
That's a Caterham of the lorry world.
Right.
And the point of that is? Well, there's bound to be a speed test.
You think your lightweight It's a Lotus lorry.
Yeah.
No, not that.
In less developed countries, such as Australia and America, people like to decorate and personalise their lorries.
You will now go away and do the same.
I'm gonna need a hell of a lot of paint.
Once our lorries had been redecorated, we were told to meet at Top Gear's secret Alpine test location in Bedfordshire.
Richard had tried to make his lorry look more American by fitting a bonnet, which was actually a dog kennel.
James had gone for a gay and friendly Indian look.
And I hadn't.
Damn it.
So, time for the next challenge.
What matters to lorry drivers? Murdering prostitutes And fuel economy.
Load.
Breakfast.
You must now demonstrate your lorry driving skills by power sliding your trucks around I presume it is that skid pad.
What is the point? You can't power slide lorries anyway.
Technically, you can't power slide anything.
To prove that it's possible you will now watch a demonstration by our tame racing driver.
Some say that his favourite all-time tune is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material.
All we know is, he's not The Stig but he is The Stig's lorry-driving cousin.
On the highway to hell On the highway to hell Look, he's got the lorry driver's suntan.
Oh, sunburn.
I see, yes.
He's really as big as the American Stig.
Rig Stig.
Rig Stig climbed into his tuned man and set off.
Look at that! That's fantastic.
I love the smell of burning rubber in the morning when it is coming off that.
That is power sliding now.
He's doing a doughnut! Run for your lives! James, what do you reckon? You can do that? Piece of cake.
Gingerly, we hit the skid pan.
This strip I've put here, I can't really see where I'm going.
Take the outside line second gear high range.
Power sliding is easy in a car.
Turn in, no power on.
That's not gone as well as I'd hoped.
Here we go.
A slide.
Come on, you're a racing truck.
This is what you should be good at.
Oh, my bonnet I've driven over my own bonnet.
Left foot braking, there's the answer.
That didn't work, so I gave it more welly.
And that really didn't work.
No, no! Yeah, I'll do some of that.
It doesn't work.
Meanwhile, in the Renault Come on! Spin! Ow! Lorry driving, it turns out, is quite a lot harder than I thought.
Have you done something to your leg as well? Yeah, the gear lever's gone up my arse.
After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom, we moved on to the next challenge.
I've lost the suspension linkages.
On your leg? No, on the lorry.
You will now drive to Milbrook's High Speed Bowl.
You see! I told you there'd be a speed test.
But, first, you must hitch up a trailer and get there via the Alpine handling course.
That's hundreds of miles.
No.
It's here, you idiot.
It's just over there.
This is where car makers test the handling of their new models.
It's also where James Bond rolled his Aston Martin in Casino Royale.
In a car, it is huge fun.
In a lorry it probably isn't.
From the moment you arrive at the Alpine course, you have three minutes to get round.
You will also need to drive smoothly because your trailer is full of valuables.
Valuables? Valuables? They weren't kidding.
Richard's trailer contained a car that hadn't been fastened down.
Mine contained an enormous wedding-cake.
And in Jeremy's , there was some straw, which didn't seem so bad but at the other end there was an electric fire.
First though, we had to get the trailers attached to our lorries.
Where's my truck? There's no back window.
I don't see why this needs to be all that difficult.
Which way is that now? So I need to get that Hammond, being familiar with farmyard machinery, was confident of a quick hitch up.
Easy.
Us two, however Well, where does that go? Didn't think this would be difficult and it's not.
It's done.
The space between the cab Yours is done? Yeah.
If a lorry driver can do that, why isn't he a brain surgeon? Scale.
You know how he's finished Hi.
You're looking smug.
Eventually, some men came to help James and I, which gave me a chance to mend my window.
Why are you doing that? Because I can't see where I'm going.
Didn't you think of that when you put it on? No.
Finally, we were ready to go.
Away we go.
You know the, "I've done it, I've finished" - you know that bit? Maybe the pin's broken.
No.
It could just be a faulty bracket that holds the No.
OK, you're in there.
Eventually, we were ready to go again.
Sorry about that.
Right, we're off.
Forgive me for saying this, but how hard can it be? Can somebody bring the forklift back? So, third time lucky.
This is brilliant.
Oi! It was just over a mile from the hitching point to the Alpine course, but that was enough to give us a taste of what it's like to be a real lorry-driver.
For starters, there's the sheer number of gears.
First, into first and a half.
Second.
Two and a half.
In a car, you can go from 1000 rpm to seven or 8000.
In this, its 1200 to 1500.
And then you have to change gear.
Get in! Get in! And when you finally reach and you have to start all over again.
Now I've just been overtaken by someone who has now slowed down.
Don't stop! That's the car.
Why can't it just be? Somebody get a move on up there.
If I have to start from the beginning of my gears again, I'll kill myself.
First, first and a half.
Just let the lorry go, always let the lorry go.
Because this is a hard job and I'm not just saying that to win favour with lorry drivers, it's a hard job.
Change gear, change gear, change gear, check your mirrors, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder.
Still, because I'd removed some of my stealth paint, I could at least see where it was going.
Sort of.
What's that noise? Jez is making a right hash of that.
You clipped a car.
Whose car? Don't know but they will notice.
We then took a wrong turn and ended up on a road where they test vehicle suspension.
That wasn't such a problem for me in my sprung cab.
But as for Hammond I'm worried I may be bounced out of the cab.
Eventually, we arrived at the start of the Alpine course, which also meant our first encounter with a hill.
Jeremy, you've only got two feet.
Every time I come off the brake in order to get on to the throttle, which you have to do, it rolls backwards.
About eight inches.
Try using the handbrake like you would in, oh, I don't know, a car.
The twists and turns of the Alpine course were waiting for us Get in gear! Come on.
No, no.
Yes! It's a drag race between me and Captain Slow.
Come on, Magnum.
Oh God.
Plainly, in the heat of battle, James and Jeremy about their delicate cargoes.
Clarkson's got the inside line.
It's getting a bit narrow here.
No.
Oh Lord.
Yes! I've got Slow.
After my poor start, I too had little concern for my precious load.
It sounds like a charging rhino running up and down the trailer behind me.
Back at the front, Slow was refusing to give in.
That's close.
I'm going to take him here.
I've got a plan.
I can't turn in that.
You weren't ready for that, Slow! Down a bit of a hill.
Carry some Woah, woah! That was I didn't want to do what I just did.
I'm in the lead! Unfortunately in all the excitement, I forgot to change down for the steep hill.
No! No! It's dying on me.
No! No! No! You! It does understeer, this lorry.
Right, got to change ratios.
Next box, there you go.
Get a go in these things and suddenly you start to feel just how much power they have got to give.
Yeah! Snap gear changes.
Captain Clumsy had severed my air lines and all the brakes were jammed on.
I absolutely hope James May wakes up in the morning and 10,000 insects are in his underpants.
HE LAUGHS In exactly just over three minutes, I was the first to finish.
HE LAUGHS Now let's have a look at my cake.
Ah That's what he hit.
He is the clumsiest man in the known world.
I'll just straighten it up a bit.
Hammond, meanwhile, was just crossing the finishing line.
I'll be honest, I think the headlamps, tail-lamps, because I heard a clunk at that end, and then a clunk at that end and then a lot more clunks and then it stopped and got smoother and smoother.
Headlights are going to be smashed to bits.
I daren't look.
Yes, I know, it's bad, I'm sorry.
It's worse than that.
I was now on the move again and flying.
Now come on, up the hill.
Is that bad for my points? Yeah.
More to the point, where is it? I don't know.
Then Jeremy arrived.
Fire! You're on fire! Have we got the next challenge, lads? How can we be this rubbish? This is totally So, anyway, how was your car? Car's interesting.
Stolen.
That's what it is, I've just thought of it now, stolen.
The damnedest thing.
That is actually quite bad now.
It is, that's on fire.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE OK, we're going to put that out and pick it up later on, but nownow we've got to move on.
My guest tonight is from Yorkshire.
CHEERING So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our Star In The Reasonably Priced - my arse, it cost a fortune, that thing! - Car, Sir Michael Parkinson.
How are you? CHEERING A legend has come among us.
Have a seat.
Have a seat.
APPLAUSE CONTINUES I'm a bit nervous about this one.
I bet you are(!) When was the last time you were nervous? Well, the Obi-Wan Kenobi of the interview world is setting being interviewed by young Luke.
It's easier being interviewed, let me tell you.
I don't know about that.
You've obviously never interviewed yourself.
It's the funniest thing, when I said you were from Yorkshire there - did you hear? - everyone was like, "Wah-hay!" Well, not everyone, but you don't get that with Nottinghamshire? Nor Leicestershire.
Our guest tonight is from Leicestershire.
SOMEONE BOOS Are you still proud of being a Yorkshireman? I love being a Yorkshireman.
Why do you live in Maidenhead? The same reason you live down here - because the BBC isn't up in Yorkshire.
If the BBC was in Doncaster, I might never have moved.
I think I might.
LAUGHTER It's that sort of whole Yorkshire thing.
We could do it for hours, "Oh, my dad were poorer than your dad.
" It's a Monty Python sketch.
It is, absolutely.
"My dad, 14 years old, left school, bronchitis, consumption, "diphtheria, got a job as a butcher's boy, worked 27 hour a day, "and paid butcher for permission to come to work," etc.
But your dad was the same, from what I hear? He was a miner.
He loved being a Yorkshireman.
He was very proud of being a Yorkshireman.
And he said I'd been doing the talk show for about 10 years - he said "You've had a good time, eh, lad?" I said, "I've had a wonderful time.
" "Made a bob or two?" I said, "I have.
" "And you've met all them lovely birds and all that stuff.
" I said, "I have.
" He said, "Think on, though, good as that might be, it's not like playing for Yorkshire at cricket, is it?" And of course, in his view, that defined immortality, not fame.
Anybody who's appeared on television is merely famous.
Those days, if you've played for Yorkshire, wore the white rose, you're immortal.
He walked, didn't he, to go and see them? No, his grandadhis father, my grandad, walked to Leeds.
From Barnsley? From Barnsley.
Which is 30 miles.
It was, but he only left the village once in his entire lifetime to go to the seaside.
Now, my granny, when she died, she'd never set foot outside the borough of Doncaster.
By gum.
I don't know.
Never once.
My father was 66 or seven before he went on an aeroplane.
And when I got a bit of money, we decided we'd send him and my mother, she'd never been away before, on an aeroplane.
So we arrived at British Airways and we were going to fly them off, first class, look after him.
Right, when they came back two weeks later I said, "What's the matter?" She said, "Your father, it's silly.
"He just lets me down.
" I said, "What's the story? Calm down.
" She said, "We got on the airplane, as soon as we left, this nice young man came along and said, 'Would you like a drink?' He said 'Yes, I'd like a pint of bitter.
'" First class? First class.
They said, "Sorry, we don't serve bitter, Mr Parkinson, on this airplane.
" "Don't serve bitter? "What kind of plane is this?" The man said, "But you don't understand.
"Champagne?" "I can't afford champagne.
" The man said, "No, you don't understand, Mr Parkinson, it's free.
" "Free?" says my old man, "Bring it on.
" My mother said, "Do you know," she said, "he got so drunk "that after his meal he offered to wash up.
" Seriously? That's wonderful.
Now I know and respect you, more actually than a chat show, as a journalist.
That's where you began, on the local newspapers in Mexborough, wasn't it? Actually, I was a district man.
I covered a nest of pit villages in Royston and Cuddeth and all round there.
Do you think that sets you up, being a hack, for being the chat show legend that you became? Everything I've ever done has been informed by that training that I did, by the apprenticeship that I served.
When I look back of my life, writing my autobiography as I have been doing, I've been amazed that there is a common thread through it, and that's journalism.
It's my love of journalism, it's the fascination I had for the job and still have for the job.
Now the chat show now, obviously this week, there's all sorts of issues around chat shows, but let's put it this way.
There are fewer chat shows on the television now than there were last week.
This is true.
Do you think, leaving that aside, that it's kind of had its day now? No, I don't think it's had its day.
I think that the people who run television decided that the conversational kind of chat show which we're having now, which my show is based on, that's gone.
I reckon they think that's as dead as a dodo.
And the only way it's going to survive in their mind is by doing the show that Jonathan does or Did.
LAUGHTER It's a show based on comedy, with a guy who's happy to play a major part in it, which is the antithesis, really, of doing an interview.
If you do an interview, you the interviewer, subjugate yourself to allow that other person in front of you to actually blossom if possible.
Don't you think that these days, let's say when you left to show, finished recording, if the guests hadn't been very interesting, it was kind of their fault and their problem.
I never took that view.
I always thought if it was a bad interview it was my fault.
Really? Without a doubt.
So Meg Ryan? Meg Ryan was my fault.
No, Meg Ryan wasn't an interview, it was a car crash, for God's sake! And of course when that happened with her, and God knows why she was in that kind of mood, I don't know, but the fact of the matter is, the drama of it, the discomfort of it, is what they love to see.
They love to see the host getting it in the neck like that.
It's kill the quarterback time.
You? Yeah.
But you don't think it was your fault? It wasn't my fault, no, but I was responsible for it and I could have handled it differently.
Really? I think so.
When I said to her, "You've been a journalist, what should I do now?" She said, "Wrap it up.
" I didn't.
LAUGHTER Because these days, people in the public eye, you might call them celebrities, they get every aspect of their lives turned over every day by Heat magazine and the tabloid newspapers and so on and they don't have much to give and actually don't want to give.
The only way you'll get people half the time to come Which is, sorry to ask this, but how did you deal with the you've got to Get rid of it up top.
Get rid of the plugging up top? Get it in the intro.
I wondered when this might happen.
I'm trying to think of a this.
What you do, you do an intro.
You do an intro? It's a bit late now, I've done the intro.
Then wait for me to say, "What is that you have there?" I'll tell you what it is, Michael, it's your CD.
Thank you.
What's it called, Jeremy? It's called My Life In Music.
And what's it about? Well, I tell you what LAUGHTER You see, this is literally the master I'm learning from here.
It's the music that was on the show and on my radio show and it's some of the people, all the people we had on the show.
And it's also people we discovered - Michael Buble and people like that.
It reflects my love of music, the other thing you would know about Yorkshire is the tradition of music there.
There isn't one brass band on here.
There's a big band.
Can we just move it on to cars, if you don't mind? Was that OK? Very smooth segue.
I see you as a Jag man.
I've had a Jag or two.
I've got a Merc at present.
Which one? S500.
That's worth about a tenner.
LAUGHTER Why did you switch to the Merc? I felt like it.
They've got more room in the back, too.
I've got a driver now.
Oh, driver.
What would your dad say? I don't like driving.
Do you not? No, it's boring, For Christ's sake, it's awful.
It's really, really boring.
This is a man who likes cricket.
I like being driven to cricket.
Now, look, your lap, you're here obviously to drive a reasonably priced car.
Now then, how did we do? Well, you're 73 years old now.
Most people at your age are watching Strictly Come Dancing.
LAUGHTER Shall we have a look at the lap? Play the tape.
Start scared and end up wanting to be like the Stig, stay down here.
You're mumbling, that a man at peace with himself, when he mumbles.
A tidy line through there, got to be honest.
Very tidy.
Can't see anything wrong with that.
Look at that.
That's not bad at all.
A big, curly bend.
Curly bend? This is the world-famous Hammerhead.
And you are doing it Well, about as perfectly as I've ever There you are.
Here we go, flat through here.
Oh, yeah.
And across the skiddy bit.
I love these two bits.
Whee! Close to the tyres, he moved the tyres! Look at that, you've got the second to last corner worked out nicely.
We're in 16 by 9 as we go across the line.
And there we are.
CHEERING More fun than Meg Ryan? Much more, most fun I've ever had on television.
Really? Yeah.
So here we are, here are the people, all of whom you will have met, I'm sure and interviewed.
Yes.
Where do you think you might have come? Well, I think bottom half, I think between Ray Winstone and Alan Carr.
No.
No? Higher? Oh, yeah.
Did I beat Billie Piper? Did you beat Billie Piper? And James Blunt? No, I'll tell you what you did.
A and that means you are there.
Quicker than Ronnie Wood.
I've beaten your great hero, Michael Gambon.
You never interviewed him, did you? He wouldn't do it.
He did it for you.
We've had him twice.
I know you have.
Mind you, I tell you what, in the absence of a chat show on BBC One for the forthcoming few weeks, you should see our guest list for the rest of the year! Michael, it's been an absolute joy.
I'm nervous as hell all the way through but you've been a superstar.
Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Michael Parkinson.
CHEERING Now, earlier, the three of us had used our extensive knowledge of lorrying to buy HGVs and it wasn't going well.
especially for Jeremy, who'd ended up with a gear lever in his bottom and his truck on fire.
Still, we rejoin the action after we'd addressed those issues.
My lorry was in a pretty poor state.
Despite this, the producers threw us straight into the next challenge.
"Since you've now had some practice at lorrying, and you are coming on well" I think we are.
I'm not.
"We shall now see whose lorry is the fastest.
"To do this, you will have to take the limiters off.
" I was going to say, they're all limited to 56, aren't they? Half an hour later, the limiters had been deactivated.
I'm going to drive this ruined, ancient, burned lorry around here faster than Her Majesty's government deem to be safe.
The venue for this hairbrain test was the fearsome two-mile bowl.
But Hammond, in his Caterer was relishing the challenge.
This is my sports trucks territory! However, my lightened convertible Magnum wasn't hanging around either.
My 12-litre Magnum has splashed the 9-litre Scalia and splashed it enormously! I'm doing 60.
Eat my Magnum! Yeah! Things were less exciting in James's world.
'I was staggered by the speed of my Magnum!' I'm going 70 miles an hour in a lorry! But then, Hammond found another gear.
Ha! I'm on the way to 75 now.
So my lorry is, what's the word? It's faster, your GTI lorry is quick.
We continue to pound round until eventually we hit our top speeds.
Hammond, though, was touching 90.
Yeah, thank you! But then we received instructions that we had to stop.
Oh, cock! The cameramen retreated to a safe distance.
Brake too gently you won't pull up, brake too hard, you'll lock up the trailer's rear wheels, you'll jack-knife and roll.
Well, I'd rather not do either of those.
In fact, James discovered there is a terrifying third way of stopping a big lorry.
Was it really that frightening? Yes.
We've got another challenge.
I'm not interested.
No, you will be.
It says, "You now have to do a hill start.
"This is a test of driving precision.
" It is, James, you've got to balance your handbrake, you clutch, your throttle.
You love all that stuff.
Yeah, precision.
And it says "The winner will receive a year's supply of gentlemen's literature.
" FLUSHING We're back.
We're back as a team.
The literature in question was all very exciting, but the hill start was even better.
Our trucks would be placed on a slope and then, to focus our minds, items close to our hearts would be placed behind them.
In Jeremy's case, we went for his beloved drum-kit.
Are you scared? On the drums, Jeremy Clarkson's lorry.
Very much on the drums.
I'm very fond of my drum-kit.
Drum roll Backwards down the hill! Shut up.
Mirror.
I think he's taking it very seriously.
Come on.
Get on with it, Clarkson! 'The fate of my drum-kit rested on me being strong enough to engage the Renault's crawler gear.
' This is it.
The moment.
Aw Aw The one thing the Renault Magnum can do is a hill-start.
Now, we're not petty, but He just clipped it on the way back.
Mate, so close.
I know, you must have It never moved an inch.
You've smashed my drum-kit up.
You've smashed my drum-kit up! 'Never mind, Hammond was next and I would strike down upon him with great vengeance and furious anger.
' I think he's going to be quite cross with us.
Have you seen what he's done to the number plate? Oh, for God's sake.
Personal plates.
He is such a pikey.
No! Well, it was your dog or that.
Evil BLEEP! My lorry didn't have a crawler gear.
Ooh! Ah! Do you want to use it as a chock? No! I can't do it! Do you want to give in? Yes.
OK, he's giving in.
May, it's your turn.
Thanks to James's extended lavatory break, it was now getting dark.
But there was no way we were going to stop.
We've been round to James's house and we've relieved him of his prized grand piano.
Are you joking? No.
Sadly though, even before the test began, there was an issue.
Don't film that.
Just don't film.
Let's film something over here.
What's more, our repair job wasn't brilliant.
When he finds that his precious piano is propped up by a mountain of pornography, he is going to go ape.
OK, May, let it rock.
He'll be very good at this.
He likes this sort of thing.
See look, feeling the power.
Jeremy Run.
Yes, run away.
Keep the porn! You can have that.
'We hoped that would be that, but no.
' The producers said we had to meet up at the Top Gear test track the next day for one final challenge.
It says, "This is a test of speed, braking and toughness all and one.
"You must accelerate to 56 miles an hour, drive through an obstacle and then stop as quickly as possible.
"Whoever does that in the shortest distance will win a year's supply of pies.
" What do they mean by obstacle? Doesn't say.
What sort of pies? We really did have no idea what sort of obstacles we'd be driving through.
But we could see the windscreens were being heavily fortified with mesh, so it probably wouldn't be balloons.
And so, with a sense of trepidation, I lined up on the start line and set off.
I bet Hammond's pissing himself, but think of his book's sales.
They're massive.
Come on, build, build, build.
He hasn't got long to write it.
Here we go.
This might hurt.
My truck had taken a wallop, but the distance covered was extremely short.
This annoyed my colleagues.
I don't think that's fair.
What? Well, he had a huge structure that will have slowed him down, so therefore his stopping difference will have been less.
So if my obstacle is very solid, I'll just stop.
And you'll win.
You'll be killed, but you'll win.
It hardly slowed me.
Rubbish! No, I needed Rubbish, you were barely moving coming out of the other side of that.
Hoping for a more solid impact than Hammond's, I began to roll.
Oh, my Lord.
I'm glad I'm not in his lorry now.
Here it comes.
Bracing, bracing.
After the crash, my friends were deeply concerned.
He's woken up stuck in a lorry cab with five firemen.
Sadly, my lorry had travelled 40 yards further than the airfield, even though I'd taken out If you were going to have a meeting in an office somewhere, I'm sorry, I've just spoiled it for you.
Here we go.
So now, only the mighty Magnum could beat Hammond.
This isn't fair.
That'll slow him much better than my stupid building.
Have we had lunch? Hard down Here we go! Ah! Ah! Ah! 'The impact was a bit nasty, but before seeking medical attention, there was some arguing to be done.
' You may have beaten me there, and if you did that's just because you had a better obstacle than I had.
Rubbish! You had a brick wall, I had wooden walls.
Measure it.
Let's measure it.
I tell you, I promise you Ow, this actually really hurts.
See, how many lorries are trashed on that Strictly Come Dancing thing? None.
Now, we should explain, the impact that I had there was pretty severe.
My ankle burst where the clutch pedal went through it, my head was dislodged from my spine.
And really, we've ended up with a Top Gear top tip.
If you are a lorryist and you're going to have an accident and there's a choice of something to hit, avoid anything with bricks in it.
Always swerve and go for the big pile of mineral water.
Yes, that's a safer bet.
Anyway, we have done a scoreboard.
It's hopeless to be honest and massively complicated, but the upshot of it is this I got 60 points.
Hammond, you got minus 25.
And Jeremy, you got A gear lever in his bottom.
A gear lever in his bottom and minus 3,560.
Why did I get that? You just did.
Whatever.
We have proved we have proved that the Scania P94D is the best truck in Britain today.
And next week we have more lorries on, in fact, because we've been to America to test some muscle cars.
So we'll see you then, unless of course you're all watching the sequinned has-beens on the other side.
Take care, good night.