Archer s12e02 Episode Script

[light music]
Ugh. So we're just walking
to the plane here?
- Where is it? In the 1950s?
- I think it's romantic.
And hiking is a romantic version
of being a starving caveman,
but it's all walking,
and therefore dumb.
Surprise team-building trip
from our generous
new financial backer!
- Ugh. Don't remind me.
- Oh, come on.
You're just mad that our
generous new financial backer
- is also your husband
- Ya think?
Thereby obliterating
any division
between your work life
and your personal life,
- and radically destabilizing your relationship.
- Ya think?
- I do think.
- So where do you think
Robert's taking us
for team building?
Probably some godforsaken
place with more militias
than total teeth.
I'm thinking Idaho.
- Or maybe hell.
- [chuckles] What's the difference?
Like your backwoods-ass can talk.
Yeah.
Your family tree is a circle.
- I told you that in confidence!
- Whoa. Wow.
What kind of
moonshine-fueled hoedown
you got going on
in your bloodstream right now?
I hate boring-ass flights,
team-building,
and most of all,
a third thing I just forgot.
So between
the four Bloody Mary's
and the sleeping pills,
Mr. Sandman is coming.
- ROBERT: Hey, guys!
- Wow.
I chartered this beauty
for our team-building retreat.
And that's when she called
the divorce lawyer.
[laughs] Just kidding.
It cost a lot to bring this out
of storage, but as your new CFO,
it was worth it
to see the looks on your faces.
We're going to Paris
on that!
[whimsical music]
The Goldhawk.
If aeronautical engineering is an art,
this is the Mona Lisa.
Two floors of airborne luxury.
[eagle cries out]
Relax in our sauna-massage area.
Drop your pet at our dog hotel.
Or enjoy our casino.
But a quick note
for our return guests.
The pan-gender brothel has been
closed for legal reasons.
Enjoy your flight
on the Goldhawk.
[eagle cries out]
- ARCHER: Boo!
- [booing]
I just found out about that
and I already miss it.
I can't fall asleep and miss this.
- Y'all gotta keep me awake.
- Don't worry.
I won't let the soft, velvety
embrace of oblivion
caress your mind.
- [snores]
- Drifting, drifting
- [snores]
- [yells] Oh, my God!
- We're going down!
- Ah! Come on!
Why are you Satan?
Better to rule in hell
than serve in heaven.
- How much money did you waste?
- There's no cost too great
to strengthen relationships and reward
- the efforts of my new work family.
- Slash real family.
I've been talking with
the Cloudbeam marketing folks.
And I hired them.
We're rebranding
as a force for good,
humane causes
like the environment.
The Spies with Soul!
You know, maybe we should
listen to Robert.
- What?
- What?
Look, when you consider
the rivers of shit
we've been navigating,
the fact that we saved
the world and no one noticed,
and the festering sinkhole
of our finances,
maybe it's time for something new.
Thank you for keeping
an open mind, Archer.
And if that means suffering
through a luxury flight to Paris,
I'll take that high-end
- whiskey-flavored bullet.
- May I?
[jazzy music]
Cheers to finally taking
the break I deserve.
All right!
This is a hijacking!
Everyone remain calm!
[screaming]
LANA: Come on.
Get in there. Go.
[dramatic music]
# #
[snoring]
Uh, they probably
don't mean that calm.
[screaming continues]
[main title theme]
# #
[distant sirens wailing]
[tense percussive music]
[gun clicks]
Don't even think about it.
Um, is that plastic?
Why is it lukewarm?
It's 3D-printed, man,
and recyclable.
We don't wanna add
more plastic to landfills.
- Just bodies.
- So you don't compost?
Well, I ordered one of the tubs,
but the shipping got
all messed up.
[laughs]
Okay, everyone, these
are Fisher-Price weapons.
We have nothing to worry about.
[bullet fires]
You actually have loads
to worry about, dude.
The environment is falling to shit
and you're all at fault!
- I recycle.
- $3 ties from Goodwill don't count, Cyril.
Climate change is
a civilization-threatening problem!
- In like a thousand years.
- Siberia had multiple days
over 100 degrees this year.
Siberia?
Like Siberia, Siberia?
Shit. Someone should
do something about that.
- I know.
- Hey, little piggies, listen up!
We're gonna need each of you
to transfer $1 million
to an offshore account,
which we're then gonna use
- to further the earth's cause!
- Oh, absolutely.
But, uh, maybe buy
some actual shoes first,
and probably a toe-shaver, Bilbo.
- Ow. Worth it.
- Hey, go secure the upper level.
A-all right, nobody panic
and nobody gets hurt.
[grunts]
Hey [grunts]
Block it.
Whatever you can find.
[exciting music]
And now, we set it on fire.
We're on a plane.
Where would we go?
You just said it!
We're on a plane.
We could fly anywhere.
If your brain were a drug,
I'd snort the shit out of it.
Welp, I guess
there's only one thing to do.
- Break into the cockpit
- Experience everything good
on this level
before it's too late for us.
Re-wire the control panel
into a weapon and what?
I'm talking first
we hit the grill meat fix.
Then we rake up a fortune
at the slots and blackjack.
Then get absolutely blitzed.
- But what about the hijackers?
- Ugh! Is that still going on?
Look, either they kill us,
law enforcement storms
the plane and they kill us,
or everything works out fine.
But in all those cases,
isn't it better
if we experience as much
as we can while we can?
# #
Hell yeah!
My new best friend.
[slots chiming]
Welcome to
the Republic of Pamistan
where the only rule is
ungh, ungh
screw the rules!
And anything else
- you can get your hands on.
- Huh. Why not?
When are we ever gonna be
on a plane like this again?
Speak for yourself.
My family has season tickets.
- For the plane?
- And when is flying season?
[dramatic music]
# #
You can't keep a bunch
of people hostage
if you're not
keeping them hostage.
And don't hijackers usually wait
until the plane is in the sky?
Where, historically,
there are fewer SWAT teams?
Well, they lock the doors
to the cockpit
- once the pilots are in and
- You don't know how to breach
- that because you're amateurs. Wow.
- Shut up.
Why would I listen to a captive?
Well, you're kind of
at the point of no return here.
Pretty soon, you'll have
to start shooting people,
and I don't think
you want that,
- other than maybe that guy.
- Oh, yeah?
Well, every fish you eat is loaded
with plastic micro-beads
from face soap!
Kind of getting
a last scene of "Scarface" vibe
from this guy.
But with gluten-free cocaine.
- Okay. What's your suggestion?
- Well, anytime you need to make
an example out of someone,
maybe knock this guy around
a little bit.
I don't know.
It feels like clubbing a baby seal.
I'd hate to hit him
if he doesn't deserve it.
That's the point.
If he gets hit,
it could happen to anyone else.
And let me tell you a secret.
He's secretly a masochist.
Gets a lot of pleasure
from being beaten up.
He loves it.
Can't get enough of it.
You'd be doing this guy a favor.
All right.
That's a load off my mind.
Yeah. Mine too.
[sighs] Things have
calmed down a bit outside.
We'll be fine in here
until we figure out a plan.
Ugh!
Smells like a kennel in here.
I can't believe this.
Robert, this was such a bad idea.
I was supposed to somehow
predict that we'd be hijacked?
No.
It's just working with you
just makes everything
so complicated.
I would have known
that's how you felt
if you had talked to me
instead of hanging up on me.
MEDITATION SPEAKER:
Now, take a deep breath
and feel the gratitude
for your surroundings.
Would you turn that off?
[steam hissing]
Goddamnit.
[dramatic music]
Cyril.
Hey, Cyril, take this.
W-why do I need an earpiece?
Where are you going?
I need you to be useful
for the first time
in your entire life, Cyril.
When I make my move, you have
to be my eyes and ears.
Why? What are you doing?
I feel like this is
one of those situations
where it plays out better
if we don't get violent
and just submit
to their guidance.
Hey, Chatty Cathy, no talking!
Yeah. That's right.
Anyone else gets out of line,
they're next.
- Hey, thanks.
- Hey, my pleasure.
Just keep them under control
and we can get outta here
without anyone getting too hurt,
other than Cyril,
which hardly counts.
Don't you dare open
that single-use plastic bottle!
Trust me, I don't like drinking
water that isn't alkaline either,
but you all have truly
pushed me over the edge.
- Ow! Hot damn it!
- Well, at least you had a good reason.
[screaming]
[screams]
[guns click]
God, Ray's gonna be so pissed
when he finds out he missed this.
[grunts] And now I'll get
an allergic reaction
from this fake croc-skin belt?
Who knows which is gonna
kill me first?
- [grunts]
- Thank you, but also,
what the hell are you doing?
Stopping the poisoning
of the earth
is worth a little blood!
Plus, you told us to keep control!
- Does this look controlled to you?
- You tell me.
- [gun clicks] Damn it.
- It's possible that recycled guns
weren't the best move.
They're not recycled.
They're recyclable!
[grunts]
ARCHER:
Okay, Cyril, can you hear me?
- Yes!
- Quiet!
- [groans] Damn it.
- [Archer laughs]
Oh, man.
I knew that would happen.
I'm so mad I missed it.
All right, you can't let them
know you're talking to me,
but you've got to be my eyes
in the passenger cabin.
I'm heading low,
and if my guess is right,
Pam and Krieger
are cooking up something good
on the upper level.
PAM: Look, they don't know
what they're talking about.
You got to follow
your dream, man.
- What is it?
- Slam poetry.
Oh, man.
Forget I said any of that shit.
Might I remind you, there is
still a hostage crisis downstairs.
Oh, no! Does that
affect how the grill works?
Uh no, ma'am.
Okay, Cyril, I seem to have
reached the cargo hold,
but it will be impossible
to find our bags.
So I'll just steal
all the jewelry from these
- and then retire.
- Probably alphabetical.
Damn it.
You ruin everything.
I still can't believe
they made Krieger
check the new tacticane,
but these assholes can bring
an endless supply
of plastic guns on board.
I love crosswords.
What was the clue
for alphabetical again?
Oh, yeah. [chuckles]
It was a tough one.
Having to do with the
alphabet? [phone rings]
Yes.
Flight 4643 Goldhawk.
This is Flight Attendant Eryn.
It's for you.
It's the hostage negotiator.
Don't worry.
They'll slow-play this.
- Hell
- Okay. Shut up.
All right?
I don't care who you are.
I don't care what you want.
Right now, I am smiling.
I'm giving my boss the thumbs-up
like things are going great.
But when push immediately
comes to shove,
we are gonna come in there
and kill you all.
And if a few hostages get hit,
them's the brakes.
And I am gonna like it!
Then tomorrow, I'm gonna go
looking for your families,
your friends, and your pets.
So enjoy your last moments on
earth, you barely human scum!
[phone beeps]
[breathing heavily]
So
how's the divorce going?
Okay, time to accelerate.
We have to find Target One now.
There was a passenger acting weird.
I bet he knows something.
And he's gone!
He definitely knows something!
Okay, fan out!
Remember this is Target Alpha.
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, well then, problem solved.
Considering he didn't even
tell me
about purchasing the company
in the first place
- I called you to talk about it.
- I was on a mission!
Your job was in jeopardy
of being taken away.
I just wanted to help for
the betterment of our family.
Yes, but now you run the
company that pays me, Robert.
We run a business.
Oh-ho, sure.
Right into the ground.
- We saved the world.
- Fat lot of good it did you.
Before I bought the place,
I saw you mix tequila and vodka
out of the bottom
of two plastic bottles.
Oh, shut up.
[ice clinking]
[grunting]
Whatever you're doing,
please do it faster.
It's getting pretty hairy.
- Archer, did they get you?
- Yeah. It's, uh
it's pretty hairy here too, Cyril.
[laughs]
Just hang tight.
[groans]
Well, it sounds like they're really
on the hunt for Robert
and his cash.
ARCHER:
How rich could this guy be?
I mean, he had the spare
change to buy the entire agency
as what was probably
a favor to Lana.
ARCHER: There's no way
our shitty little
mom and pop agency
cost that much.
Well, when was the last time
you bought a drink
without expensing it?
Uh, I wanna say high school?
[dog barks]
Ow.
Ah. Oh.
[chuckles] Hey.
I was just, uh,
looking for my, uh
- No.
- Well, did you find it?
- [dogs barking]
- ARCHER: Cyril? Cyril?
Ah, you idiot.
Hey, come here.
That's a good boy.
You guys be good
till I get back, okay?
Love you guys.
Psst! Stewardess.
Hey, I-is there any way
to get to the top floor
other than the stairs?
Also, we're probably gonna die in
10 minutes, so what do you think?
- Hey, you sicko. Where's the bald guy?
- Robert. I-I mean, who?
[groans] I don't know.
Ah.
Nope, that didn't help.
Enough with the games!
Every moment
I don't shoot one of you
- is another dead whale!
- Uh, that doesn't make any sense.
Neither does talking right then.
So now you're gonna transfer
$1 million into our account!
Hey, I got to tell you
that's the first time
that line worked for me.
And I've tried it a bunch.
By the way, I'm a flight
attendant, not a stewardess.
Definitely the priority right now.
Okay, Flight Attendant,
can you show me the way
to the second floor?
Well, you sure know your way
around a shaft.
Wait. No, I'm sorry.
That was coarse. I apologize.
- Hmm. Looks like a tight fit.
- Damn it. That one's better.
I think there's a whole lot
you're not telling me!
First, I don't know about the agency.
What's next?!
[whispering] You guys
should really be quiet.
- Good point.
- What's next is you're fighting
with me because I wanna
have a baby with you
- and you won't talk about it.
- [laughing]
[whispering] Robert,
they're looking for you.
You never wanna talk about it.
You like to run around
saving the world,
when I want to build
a world of our own.
But you keep pretending
you're not a mother.
And with two kids,
that would be twice as hard.
[Lana scoffs]
He's in there.
[upbeat tropical music]
You know that grater thing that
servants use for grating nutmeg?
Do you ever wanna just use that
on someone's nipples?
- Just really go to town?
- I don't like that town.
[groans] Oh, my God.
I had 8 shots and 12 steaks.
And it was such a good idea.
- What the shit?
- Pfft. Wait.
Have you been there
the whole time?
Because if so,
all that shit I was talking
was about a different Archer
who does all the same shit you do.
Guys, the hijackers have Robert.
Apparently, their whole objective
was just to drain his bank account.
Wait.
How do you know all that?
Well, I gave the
Flight Attendant an earpiece.
After we had sex.
- Aw, come on, dude.
- Oh, come on. That is bad.
Tell me about it.
I can't believe they didn't
wanna use me as a hostage.
Like, am I not rich enough
for them?
Does that make me
any less of a person?
- Like, less than you are currently?
- Also, you're really rich.
Your family owns six
islands, and the private
prison-slash-hunting
preserves on those islands.
Aww, thanks guys.
You're right.
I am worthy of being horribly
harmed and discarded by bad people.
Guys, if we could get back
to the hostage situation,
- that's ongoing
- Wish I could, bud,
but here in Pamistan,
we rise above it.
- No rules.
- Right. And I'm about to prove you
- all wrong about slam poetry.
- Fine. We'll do it.
Wait, I have the perfect line.
Let's compost these turds.
- And that was it?
- You dick.
- You don't have to do this.
- Enough!
Just shut up and pay up!
10 million bucks or you
won't be as lucky as he was.
- [groans]
- He doesn't look that lucky.
[dramatic music]
Okay. The transfer is done.
Wait, I'm not seeing
the transfer in our account.
You don't have to bully people
into giving you money
when you can just make
an effective case for change.
Okay. But to be clear,
you just gave
a huge amount of money to
Citizens of
the World Environmental Group?
- What?
- Look, in the heat of the moment,
we all say or do things
that hurt the things
we're trying to save.
But there's still a chance
for us to come together
and find a way to change.
Nice try!
But that's not what I asked for.
Also, that seemed more
applicable to a relationship!
Where was that advice
last year when I needed it?
[grunts]
- [guns clicking]
- Release the hounds!
[dogs barking]
[gun clicking]
Come on!
Hit me with the cherries!
[shouts]
[dogs barking]
You know what? This is kind
of different than I thought.
So I'm just gonna go
- [grunts]
- Oh. Maybe the recycled guns do work.
- Archer, help!
- Shut up!
And why does the stewardess
know your name?
Her name isn't Stewardess, Lana.
It's Flight Attendant.
- Really?
- What? My stewardess line finally worked.
- What can I say?
- Actually, it's Eryn, with a "y."
Shut up!
I'm gonna hurt this stewardess.
Now, you're just
doing it intentionally.
Uh-uh. I mean it.
I'm gonna hurt her real bad.
Like, nasty bad
to make a point about,
you you know, all the stuff.
And then I'm gonna fly this
plane the hell out of here.
[Eryn screams]
Come on, hurry up.
[Krieger grunts]
Ow. What the hell
is happening around here?
Oh, my God.
Are we in Paris?
- No, but I see France.
- Seriously? How old are you?
Apparently not too old to
piss myself laughing at your ass.
- I don't need this. Don't need it.
- [cackling]
[dramatic music]
[grunts]
[toggles clicking]
[grunting]
Screw you, Miranda!
And that judge that gave you
my sword collection!
Ahh!
I gotta go, guys.
Love you all.
Hey, you were actually
really brave back there.
- You mean after you tried to kill me?
- Oh, come on.
- I didn't try to kill you. I just
- Aided and abetted.
But I should not have said that.
It was the steam and the stress
- And the hijackers.
- Them too.
I really want us to work.
I wanna share everything with you.
But if you're not ready
for another baby, I understand.
Thank you, Robert.
But it's not gonna be easy
- for me to forget what you said.
- Oh, absolutely.
"Doghouse: population me."
How are we gonna be
the Spies with Soul
when we just beat the snot
out of a bunch of tree-huggers?
Oh, not to worry.
I made that donation
in the name of the agency.
Sure to cause
quite a bit of a splash.
- Wow. That was really smart.
- And we do seem like more of a team.
And all it took was a hijacking.
Yes, but now that I'm a few
million in the hole with you all,
we're gonna have to make
some changes around here.
So unless you suddenly find
a new source of funds,
you're going to be buying
your own drinks, mister.
Indefinitely.
[puppy whines]
What?