Birds of a Feather (1989) s12e02 Episode Script
Too Much of Nothing
1 It's only right that the boys say a proper goodbye to their dad.
How many people have coupled in the back of a hearse and lived to tell the tale? - Well, if you put it like that I reckon we've been burgled.
What'll I do When you are far away? And I am blue, what'll I do? When I'm alone With only dreams of you That won't come true What'll I do? I didn't think today could get any worse.
First the funeral, then this.
It's left me completely empty.
Like my bedroom.
And the Old Bill weren't much help.
Well, of course they weren't.
As far as they're concerned, we're criminal scum, just because 30-odd years ago, Darryl and Chris got into a little spot of bother.
Involving sawn-off shotguns and security vans.
Don't get cocky, Dor, they were looking at you funny, too.
Yeah, well, probably just star struck.
Don't kid yourself.
When they get back to the nick, they'll be looking you up in their Boys' Bumper Book of Suspects.
I have never broken the law in my life! No? I'd say strumping a gangster in the back of a runaway hearse might be a teeny bit illegal.
Possibly.
But it will make a spectacular finale to my new book, and no horses were harmed in the making.
- Sharon.
- Yeah? Are you sure you didn't leave your bedroom window open when we went out? - Don't start all that again, Trace.
If I had, there wouldn't be broken glass all over my floor, would there? Only you do tend to leave your window open.
Only because you tell me to leave it open.
Only because your room stinks.
I wouldn't say stinks.
I would.
I'm amazed those burglars weren't knocked unconscious.
- If you're gonna get catty - Catty? I'm the one that's lost most around here! Some of my handbags were museum quality.
Like their owner.
I bet your mate Lenny had something to do with this.
He was so keen to arrange a big funeral to get us out of the house.
Oh, everything's my fault, isn't it? Well, now you come to mention it, yes.
Mrs Finch says we can keep the chairs till her next seance.
Oh, bless her.
Did she see anything suspicious? No, but she's gonna have a word with her spirit guide.
Who is Ray Charles, so don't hold your breath.
She did say she thought she heard the window breaking, though.
See.
But she must be confused, because she reckons that was after we got home.
Yeah, well, she lost the plot years ago, didn't she? Boys, can you do me a favour? Can you run down the corner shop and get something for dinner? - I can defrost something.
- You can't, they stole the microwave.
- Just go.
You broke your own window, didn't you? Well? I had no choice, Trace! I was afraid that the insurance wouldn't pay up if they knew that the window was left open.
I mean, it weren't easy, either.
I had to run up the stairs while you was down here effing and blinding.
Then I had to hang out the window so that when I smashed it, all the glass would fall on the inside.
Because everyone knows if the glass had gone outside, the police would have twigged it was an inside job.
What do you want, a medal? A thank you would be nice.
All my sovereigns, my ruby-encrusted watch, my gold gate bracelet your dad gave me for our silver wedding.
I cleaned up all the glass, Trace, and that toilet the copper used without lifting the seat.
You're so lucky those dozy sods didn't catch on, Shal.
- Can I have my dinner now, Trace? - All right.
Garthy? - Now, mind out, it's very hot.
- OK, OK, I've got it.
Cheers.
Thank you.
- Sharon.
- What? I was gonna say 'be careful, you'll melt my table'.
It's not my day, is it? - Is that your list for the insurance? - Yep.
They take much of yours, Aunty Shal? No, not really.
Just my Picasso and my signed picture of Pope John Paul II, and the ruby slippers I bought at a car boot sale.
They didn't take anything, actually.
Lucky old you.
Lucky? Lucky, Trace? It's pathetic.
At least you had something worth stealing.
One of them left a souvenir in my knicker drawer.
Filthy animal.
I hope you cleaned it up.
No, this.
Obviously felt sorry for me.
- How much was that leather jacket they nicked? - 350.
- Plus having my name put on the back.
- I'll call it 500, then.
- Mum, that's 30 quid a letter.
- But they used loads of studs.
Sounds like Dorien.
Well, at least you can replace yours, your brother's lost his laptop with all his school stuff on it.
- But it's all backed up so so no worries.
- No worries? - I bought you that for your 18th.
- Yeah, but it Weren't only school stuff on it, was it, bruv? See you later, Mum.
Oh, I like the new look, Dor, can't see your face at all.
What's all that? Receipts, photographs, valuations of everything I own.
I tried adding it up, but my calculator blew a fuse.
Well, why are you telling us? So you can add it to the claim, of course.
Your insurance broker's in for a bit of a shock.
There'll be Lloyd's Names leaping out of high windows all across the Square Mile.
What is it? You haven't let the policy lapse? - Of course not, I'm not stupid.
- Oh, thank God.
Then, what? Well, the thing is, Dor, this is a family policy.
Yes, so? So you're not family.
What?! - I'm sorry, Dor.
- You're sorry? - Well, I thought you'd have your own policy.
- Why would I? I live here, I pay my way, unlike some people called Sharon.
Well, doesn't that make me family? Well, family are the people you have to take care of, even if they don't make a contribution, and quite frankly get on your Brad Pitts most of the time.
Exactly.
Well, I am not taking this lying down! There's a novelty.
Oh! Have you come to take the mickey, too? - Can I come in? Depends.
- You got a search warrant? Oh, be fair, Tracey.
It's Mrs Stubbs to you, Detective Sergeant Farmer.
Please? Mrs Stubbs? Look, I'm here as a friend, not as a copper.
Where'd you get the idea we're friends? Oh, have the boys in blue made a brilliant breakthrough? In a manner of speaking, yeah.
Look, can I have a private word, Tr Mrs Stubbs? No, whatever you've got to say, you can say in front of Sharon.
If you say so.
This was the sitting room, until they took the seats.
Didn't leave much, did they? Well, that detective training wasn't a complete waste of time (!) Look, I know people think we don't give burglary cases a high priority.
Priority? Those coppers didn't even notice the broken window.
I had to point it out to them.
Oh, no, they spotted it, all right.
They're not quite as stupid as they look.
Well, one of them isn't, anyway.
Of course, there's no law against breaking your own window, Sharon, it's a free country.
But there is a law against falsifying an insurance claim for pecuniary advantage.
Is pecuniary the same as money? - Yeah.
- I was afraid you'd say that.
You moron, Sharon! You complete waste of space! - What were you thinking? - She wasn't thinking, she doesn't think.
She functions on an instinctual level, like our ape cousins.
Now I can't claim for anything! We'll be sitting on garden chairs and eating out of tin cans until we drop dead of hypothermia because they stole all the bedding, too! Well, now you know how I feel, Tracey.
Look, can I say something? No! There's nothing you can say, there's nothing you can do.
I can, Trace, I can fix it.
Like you fixed that window? I can talk to Lenny.
I'm not having some sleazy villain recover my possessions.
So what are you gonna do, hire a private dick? Wouldn't be the first time.
Hello, girls.
I never knew you were friends of the green baize? Shall I rack them up? I ain't in the mood for snooker.
Billiards? You know why we're here, Len.
The burglary.
Oh, yeah, I heard, I'm very sorry.
Is that a confession? You don't think I had anything to do with it, do you? Well, be fair, Len, you are in the removals business.
Ah, but I've got an alibi, haven't I? I was at a funeral, with you two.
I told you, he's as useful as a sniffer dog with hay fever.
And I thought you still liked me, Lenny.
- Yeah? - Mmm.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll put the word about.
Now, don't you worry, on my nan's eyes, I'll find the chancers who robbed you.
And then there may well be another funeral.
That's very Christian of you.
Anything for you, Sharon.
Now, you just go home, and leave it to Lenny.
- No time like the present, 'ey, Len? - What? Oh.
Yeah, course, yeah.
I'll put the feelers out.
Use it and lose it.
You're Foxy Cohen, aren't you? I've just been reading about you.
You sure you're in the right sort of pawnshop? Quite sure.
Now have you got anything like this? Hmm.
It's a bit out of my league.
Yeah.
This is Romford Market, not Rodeo Drive.
Ah, that would explain the lack of Kardashians, then.
If you're looking for a bit of class, I've got a lovely necklace and earrings, cubic zirconiums, but you'd never tell the difference.
I'm not buying, I'm hunting for my stolen possessions.
Oh.
Well, what are you asking me for? - Aren't you a trellis? - Trellis? Someone who deals in stolen property.
You mean fence.
Yes, well, it's all the same thing, isn't it? Sorry, none of this shmutter's crossed my counter.
And you know what, Foxy this is really a job for the police.
The police? They couldn't find their own backsides with both hands in a brightly lit room! Oh, well.
I need a result, Lenny.
Tracey's doing my head in.
I was just talking to Lenny, he says he's getting warmer.
Maybe he should take that stupid tank top off, then.
We just bumped into Mrs Finch.
Oh, does she want her chairs back yet? No.
But she's had a word with Ray Charles and he thinks we should be looking for 'a man who's not a man'.
Great advice from a clairvoyant who's not a clairvoyant.
Ooh, no.
Oh, God.
Hello? All right.
Look, slow down, I can't understand.
It's Dorien, she's all out of breath.
I don't want to know why.
Give us it here.
Yes, Dor? That's fantastic! She's in Romford Market and she's got a lead.
She's buying a dog? We're on our way, Dor.
- Where is he, then? - Inside, I imagine.
- You imagine? - I saw him go in, I didn't dare follow him, not on my own.
- You'd recognise him again, though? I won't forget that evil criminal sneer if I live to be 100.
Well, that gives us a year to catch him (!) Come on, then.
Look, maybe you should go home now, love.
Mum, I'm 18.
I'm as straight as the next man! Have you seen the next man? Good evening, Theydon Bois and girls.
And those of you who are still deciding.
Welcome to our world famous talent night! Well, I say world famous, they've definitely heard of us in Billericay.
- Now, first up.
- Up, up, up, up, up, up! All the way from Queen's Park, I present the one, the only Poxy Cohen! - That's him! - Are you sure? Yes, he's wearing my diamond 'D' necklace! - Hello, Essex! - Hello, Poxy! Did you all enjoy my first book, Sixty Shades of Green? Good.
Well, I'm working on a follow-up, Seventy Shades of Puce! Here she goes.
Come on, everyone, party with Poxy.
Now there was a time When they used to say That behind every great man There has to be a great woman Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's the real Foxy Cohen! On stage with me! I can't believe it.
Boys and girls, this is - Yes, this is the real Foxy Cohen.
But the only thing real about this imposter are the clothes and the jewellery that he has stolen from me! They're not stolen, I got them from a junk shop in Ilford.
How dare you! That's my necklace.
Go on, Dor! Ray Charles was right.
Maybe we should rescue her! Come on, boys! Just get off me, you you Stop! Stop it.
You're making a show of yourselves, stop it.
Cheers, boys.
If you just put it over there for now.
Thank you.
- Ain't you going to be hot in that indoors? - Doesn't matter.
I'm never taking it off again.
I'm sorry I doubted you, Barry.
Well, once you tracked down Poxy - Did your job for you, you mean.
the whole case broke wide open.
In fact, there's only one thing we haven't been able to recover.
- My laptop? - Sharon's Picasso.
C'est la vie.
Here you go, son.
Well, say thank you.
Er thanks.
Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.
But every single episode of Countryfile? Weird.
First floor.
Second bedroom on the left.
(Yes!) I'm going upstairs.
I may be some time.
As good as my word, Shal.
What's all this, Len? Rag and bone men don't usually deliver.
Well, it's furniture, innit? Loosely speaking.
Yes, but it's not mine.
I know that, Trace, but the South London underworld is shut up tighter than a nun's naughty bits.
So me and the lads, we had a bit of a whip round.
And that's the best you could come up with? You've missed the bus, Lenny.
We've recovered everything.
- In North London.
- No! Well, what am I going to do with all that tat? Put it back.
Well, duty calls.
Thanks, Barry, I owe you one.
Oh, yeah? What are you doing Tuesday? Not a lot.
Oh, fancy a coffee, then? That'd be lovely.
All right.
- Come on, you.
- Yep, OK.
As it happens, Shal, I reckon you owe me one, too.
I mean, after all, I did come through for you, didn't I? I wouldn't put it quite like that, Lenny.
What were you expecting, exactly? Well, I'll let you decide that, darling.
How about a little something out of my knicker drawer? Well, now you're talking.
There you go.
Don't go spending it all at once.
How many people have coupled in the back of a hearse and lived to tell the tale? - Well, if you put it like that I reckon we've been burgled.
What'll I do When you are far away? And I am blue, what'll I do? When I'm alone With only dreams of you That won't come true What'll I do? I didn't think today could get any worse.
First the funeral, then this.
It's left me completely empty.
Like my bedroom.
And the Old Bill weren't much help.
Well, of course they weren't.
As far as they're concerned, we're criminal scum, just because 30-odd years ago, Darryl and Chris got into a little spot of bother.
Involving sawn-off shotguns and security vans.
Don't get cocky, Dor, they were looking at you funny, too.
Yeah, well, probably just star struck.
Don't kid yourself.
When they get back to the nick, they'll be looking you up in their Boys' Bumper Book of Suspects.
I have never broken the law in my life! No? I'd say strumping a gangster in the back of a runaway hearse might be a teeny bit illegal.
Possibly.
But it will make a spectacular finale to my new book, and no horses were harmed in the making.
- Sharon.
- Yeah? Are you sure you didn't leave your bedroom window open when we went out? - Don't start all that again, Trace.
If I had, there wouldn't be broken glass all over my floor, would there? Only you do tend to leave your window open.
Only because you tell me to leave it open.
Only because your room stinks.
I wouldn't say stinks.
I would.
I'm amazed those burglars weren't knocked unconscious.
- If you're gonna get catty - Catty? I'm the one that's lost most around here! Some of my handbags were museum quality.
Like their owner.
I bet your mate Lenny had something to do with this.
He was so keen to arrange a big funeral to get us out of the house.
Oh, everything's my fault, isn't it? Well, now you come to mention it, yes.
Mrs Finch says we can keep the chairs till her next seance.
Oh, bless her.
Did she see anything suspicious? No, but she's gonna have a word with her spirit guide.
Who is Ray Charles, so don't hold your breath.
She did say she thought she heard the window breaking, though.
See.
But she must be confused, because she reckons that was after we got home.
Yeah, well, she lost the plot years ago, didn't she? Boys, can you do me a favour? Can you run down the corner shop and get something for dinner? - I can defrost something.
- You can't, they stole the microwave.
- Just go.
You broke your own window, didn't you? Well? I had no choice, Trace! I was afraid that the insurance wouldn't pay up if they knew that the window was left open.
I mean, it weren't easy, either.
I had to run up the stairs while you was down here effing and blinding.
Then I had to hang out the window so that when I smashed it, all the glass would fall on the inside.
Because everyone knows if the glass had gone outside, the police would have twigged it was an inside job.
What do you want, a medal? A thank you would be nice.
All my sovereigns, my ruby-encrusted watch, my gold gate bracelet your dad gave me for our silver wedding.
I cleaned up all the glass, Trace, and that toilet the copper used without lifting the seat.
You're so lucky those dozy sods didn't catch on, Shal.
- Can I have my dinner now, Trace? - All right.
Garthy? - Now, mind out, it's very hot.
- OK, OK, I've got it.
Cheers.
Thank you.
- Sharon.
- What? I was gonna say 'be careful, you'll melt my table'.
It's not my day, is it? - Is that your list for the insurance? - Yep.
They take much of yours, Aunty Shal? No, not really.
Just my Picasso and my signed picture of Pope John Paul II, and the ruby slippers I bought at a car boot sale.
They didn't take anything, actually.
Lucky old you.
Lucky? Lucky, Trace? It's pathetic.
At least you had something worth stealing.
One of them left a souvenir in my knicker drawer.
Filthy animal.
I hope you cleaned it up.
No, this.
Obviously felt sorry for me.
- How much was that leather jacket they nicked? - 350.
- Plus having my name put on the back.
- I'll call it 500, then.
- Mum, that's 30 quid a letter.
- But they used loads of studs.
Sounds like Dorien.
Well, at least you can replace yours, your brother's lost his laptop with all his school stuff on it.
- But it's all backed up so so no worries.
- No worries? - I bought you that for your 18th.
- Yeah, but it Weren't only school stuff on it, was it, bruv? See you later, Mum.
Oh, I like the new look, Dor, can't see your face at all.
What's all that? Receipts, photographs, valuations of everything I own.
I tried adding it up, but my calculator blew a fuse.
Well, why are you telling us? So you can add it to the claim, of course.
Your insurance broker's in for a bit of a shock.
There'll be Lloyd's Names leaping out of high windows all across the Square Mile.
What is it? You haven't let the policy lapse? - Of course not, I'm not stupid.
- Oh, thank God.
Then, what? Well, the thing is, Dor, this is a family policy.
Yes, so? So you're not family.
What?! - I'm sorry, Dor.
- You're sorry? - Well, I thought you'd have your own policy.
- Why would I? I live here, I pay my way, unlike some people called Sharon.
Well, doesn't that make me family? Well, family are the people you have to take care of, even if they don't make a contribution, and quite frankly get on your Brad Pitts most of the time.
Exactly.
Well, I am not taking this lying down! There's a novelty.
Oh! Have you come to take the mickey, too? - Can I come in? Depends.
- You got a search warrant? Oh, be fair, Tracey.
It's Mrs Stubbs to you, Detective Sergeant Farmer.
Please? Mrs Stubbs? Look, I'm here as a friend, not as a copper.
Where'd you get the idea we're friends? Oh, have the boys in blue made a brilliant breakthrough? In a manner of speaking, yeah.
Look, can I have a private word, Tr Mrs Stubbs? No, whatever you've got to say, you can say in front of Sharon.
If you say so.
This was the sitting room, until they took the seats.
Didn't leave much, did they? Well, that detective training wasn't a complete waste of time (!) Look, I know people think we don't give burglary cases a high priority.
Priority? Those coppers didn't even notice the broken window.
I had to point it out to them.
Oh, no, they spotted it, all right.
They're not quite as stupid as they look.
Well, one of them isn't, anyway.
Of course, there's no law against breaking your own window, Sharon, it's a free country.
But there is a law against falsifying an insurance claim for pecuniary advantage.
Is pecuniary the same as money? - Yeah.
- I was afraid you'd say that.
You moron, Sharon! You complete waste of space! - What were you thinking? - She wasn't thinking, she doesn't think.
She functions on an instinctual level, like our ape cousins.
Now I can't claim for anything! We'll be sitting on garden chairs and eating out of tin cans until we drop dead of hypothermia because they stole all the bedding, too! Well, now you know how I feel, Tracey.
Look, can I say something? No! There's nothing you can say, there's nothing you can do.
I can, Trace, I can fix it.
Like you fixed that window? I can talk to Lenny.
I'm not having some sleazy villain recover my possessions.
So what are you gonna do, hire a private dick? Wouldn't be the first time.
Hello, girls.
I never knew you were friends of the green baize? Shall I rack them up? I ain't in the mood for snooker.
Billiards? You know why we're here, Len.
The burglary.
Oh, yeah, I heard, I'm very sorry.
Is that a confession? You don't think I had anything to do with it, do you? Well, be fair, Len, you are in the removals business.
Ah, but I've got an alibi, haven't I? I was at a funeral, with you two.
I told you, he's as useful as a sniffer dog with hay fever.
And I thought you still liked me, Lenny.
- Yeah? - Mmm.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll put the word about.
Now, don't you worry, on my nan's eyes, I'll find the chancers who robbed you.
And then there may well be another funeral.
That's very Christian of you.
Anything for you, Sharon.
Now, you just go home, and leave it to Lenny.
- No time like the present, 'ey, Len? - What? Oh.
Yeah, course, yeah.
I'll put the feelers out.
Use it and lose it.
You're Foxy Cohen, aren't you? I've just been reading about you.
You sure you're in the right sort of pawnshop? Quite sure.
Now have you got anything like this? Hmm.
It's a bit out of my league.
Yeah.
This is Romford Market, not Rodeo Drive.
Ah, that would explain the lack of Kardashians, then.
If you're looking for a bit of class, I've got a lovely necklace and earrings, cubic zirconiums, but you'd never tell the difference.
I'm not buying, I'm hunting for my stolen possessions.
Oh.
Well, what are you asking me for? - Aren't you a trellis? - Trellis? Someone who deals in stolen property.
You mean fence.
Yes, well, it's all the same thing, isn't it? Sorry, none of this shmutter's crossed my counter.
And you know what, Foxy this is really a job for the police.
The police? They couldn't find their own backsides with both hands in a brightly lit room! Oh, well.
I need a result, Lenny.
Tracey's doing my head in.
I was just talking to Lenny, he says he's getting warmer.
Maybe he should take that stupid tank top off, then.
We just bumped into Mrs Finch.
Oh, does she want her chairs back yet? No.
But she's had a word with Ray Charles and he thinks we should be looking for 'a man who's not a man'.
Great advice from a clairvoyant who's not a clairvoyant.
Ooh, no.
Oh, God.
Hello? All right.
Look, slow down, I can't understand.
It's Dorien, she's all out of breath.
I don't want to know why.
Give us it here.
Yes, Dor? That's fantastic! She's in Romford Market and she's got a lead.
She's buying a dog? We're on our way, Dor.
- Where is he, then? - Inside, I imagine.
- You imagine? - I saw him go in, I didn't dare follow him, not on my own.
- You'd recognise him again, though? I won't forget that evil criminal sneer if I live to be 100.
Well, that gives us a year to catch him (!) Come on, then.
Look, maybe you should go home now, love.
Mum, I'm 18.
I'm as straight as the next man! Have you seen the next man? Good evening, Theydon Bois and girls.
And those of you who are still deciding.
Welcome to our world famous talent night! Well, I say world famous, they've definitely heard of us in Billericay.
- Now, first up.
- Up, up, up, up, up, up! All the way from Queen's Park, I present the one, the only Poxy Cohen! - That's him! - Are you sure? Yes, he's wearing my diamond 'D' necklace! - Hello, Essex! - Hello, Poxy! Did you all enjoy my first book, Sixty Shades of Green? Good.
Well, I'm working on a follow-up, Seventy Shades of Puce! Here she goes.
Come on, everyone, party with Poxy.
Now there was a time When they used to say That behind every great man There has to be a great woman Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's the real Foxy Cohen! On stage with me! I can't believe it.
Boys and girls, this is - Yes, this is the real Foxy Cohen.
But the only thing real about this imposter are the clothes and the jewellery that he has stolen from me! They're not stolen, I got them from a junk shop in Ilford.
How dare you! That's my necklace.
Go on, Dor! Ray Charles was right.
Maybe we should rescue her! Come on, boys! Just get off me, you you Stop! Stop it.
You're making a show of yourselves, stop it.
Cheers, boys.
If you just put it over there for now.
Thank you.
- Ain't you going to be hot in that indoors? - Doesn't matter.
I'm never taking it off again.
I'm sorry I doubted you, Barry.
Well, once you tracked down Poxy - Did your job for you, you mean.
the whole case broke wide open.
In fact, there's only one thing we haven't been able to recover.
- My laptop? - Sharon's Picasso.
C'est la vie.
Here you go, son.
Well, say thank you.
Er thanks.
Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.
But every single episode of Countryfile? Weird.
First floor.
Second bedroom on the left.
(Yes!) I'm going upstairs.
I may be some time.
As good as my word, Shal.
What's all this, Len? Rag and bone men don't usually deliver.
Well, it's furniture, innit? Loosely speaking.
Yes, but it's not mine.
I know that, Trace, but the South London underworld is shut up tighter than a nun's naughty bits.
So me and the lads, we had a bit of a whip round.
And that's the best you could come up with? You've missed the bus, Lenny.
We've recovered everything.
- In North London.
- No! Well, what am I going to do with all that tat? Put it back.
Well, duty calls.
Thanks, Barry, I owe you one.
Oh, yeah? What are you doing Tuesday? Not a lot.
Oh, fancy a coffee, then? That'd be lovely.
All right.
- Come on, you.
- Yep, OK.
As it happens, Shal, I reckon you owe me one, too.
I mean, after all, I did come through for you, didn't I? I wouldn't put it quite like that, Lenny.
What were you expecting, exactly? Well, I'll let you decide that, darling.
How about a little something out of my knicker drawer? Well, now you're talking.
There you go.
Don't go spending it all at once.