Father Brown (2013) s12e02 Episode Script

1
I honestly have no idea
why Teddy wants to meet.
Well, perhaps given your
new position of authority,
he wishes to extend an olive
branch, president to president.
Espionage is more likely.
To find out what the
Players' summer show is.
Not that I've managed to
decide what it is yet.
All in good time, Mrs Devine.
Why here?
Between us, Father, I've heard
that the Hambleston
Amateur Dramatic Society
HADS.
Is withering on the vine ever
since Teddy took over from
Emerald!
Fancy seeing you here.
Oh, I am so glad
to see you both.
I don't suppose you
happen to know
Best to hear it direct
from the horse's mouth.
Hmm.
Surely this can't be for HADS.
Not just for HADS, I hope.
Isabel.
Simply divine to see you.
And Father!
Emerald.
Teddy.
Welcome to Kembleston Manor.
Kembleston?
It's time to unite, Isabel.
Look, I'm not going
to sugar-coat this,
HADS is in a bit of a pickle.
Most of the cast
have departed.
Amicably.
This is the most ambitious
production I've ever directed.
We open at the end of
the month, so needs must.
Will you join us?
Well, to perform in an actual
theatre would be thrilling.
What is the play, if you
don't mind my asking?
Oh, I think you'll
approve, Father,
life imitating art and all that.
Behold - The Most
Perfect Murder.
Hambleston's answer
to The Mousetrap.
A worldwide premiere.
Written by a priest, I see.
Who's a big fan of
yours, actually.
You didn't tell
me he was coming!
It's you!
HE LAUGHS EXCITEDLY
It's literally you!
Yes, it is.
Father, may I present Hambleston's
new priest, Father Lindsey.
This is the most exquisite
moment of my entire life.
Oh! Is he dead?
No, he just fainted.
Oh, splendid!
So, Isabel, what say you?
Are you ready to
make some magic?
Might I just apologise
again for yesterday?
It's just you are something
of an inspiration to me.
Just one question.
We know who done it, but
not as yet how done it.
The play seems to be
missing an ending.
Ah, therein lies the rub.
I haven't quite
figured it out yet.
Shouldn't you have done that
before you started writing it?
Welcome, all.
And may I introduce the genius
behind our remarkable sets.
Herman Jolly, the
Kembleford Players.
They're going to ruin all
my good work, aren't they?
Oh, nice to meet you too.
Teddy!
The cost of hiring
the Royal Theatre.
We are amateurs!
A dirty word. Which I
am removing from HADS.
Behold, HDS!
Amateurs are the
lifeblood of this company,
which was founded to
enrich local lives. Mm
Like poor Sandy. Yeah.
This production is too much.
If you don't like it, you
know where the door is.
Perhaps, as founder of HADS,
you could show
Emerald some respect.
One of our backstage
stalwarts, Bonnie Codling.
Who'd do well to
stop her prattling!
And you wonder why we're
haemorrhaging members.
May I suggest we proceed
with the auditions?
CLAPS HANDS
We open in three weeks.
Good morning.
Thank you for your
moral support, Edgar.
Yeah, perhaps you could
even audition, sir?
CLEARS THROAT I think not.
Yeah, I don't think I'm
going to bother either.
Have you read the
part of Tabitha?
She dances the Charleston.
Oh! I do love the Charleston.
Oh, you should
definitely audition!
Might I suggest you
audition too, Father?
Or perhaps a backstage role?
The priest was written
with you in mind.
No acting required.
Guided by God,
I have surmised that someone
here must be responsible.
"But how?", I hear you ask,
"when everyone was together
during that fateful shot?"
It is, quite simply,
the most perfect murder.
Bravo, Father.
He is awfully good, isn't he?
And to shall play my wife,
Lady Ursula Etherington,
Mrs Divine.
Well-deserved.
And our daughter, the
socialite Tabitha,
shall be played by Brenda.
There wasn't much competition.
Oh, don't you dare
sell yourself short.
You were wonderful!
Sergeant Goodfellow. Yes? You
will be Inspector Crabtree.
Ah, marvellous!
At least he finally
gets the job.
FATHER BROWN CLEARS HIS THROA
Yes, you'll be Horace,
victim of the dastardly murder.
Oh, only one small scene.
No, no, there is another one.
There's a corpse.
Even you could
manage that, Father.
And the part of Father Greene
goes to Chief Inspector Sullivan.
Ah
No, I didn't audition.
It's just that we're in
need of one more male,
and everyone knows what a
marvellous Benedick you were,
so
No, absolutely not.
Edgar, this has to be a success,
and there's no-one else.
He'll do it.
Splendid!
Now, as well as playing Fanny
Tinkle, our frumpy maid
No acting required.
Emerald will be in
charge of costumes,
and Bonnie will be assisting
with make-up and also assisting
with set construction.
No, no, no, no. I'll
take anyone else.
Do you see what he's like?
Please. Please, everyone.
The only way this play is going to
be the success it deserves to be
is if we all unite.
Then I need to know
how the play ends.
How did the murder happen?
Crumbs.
That's the problem with
an impossible murder.
I've written myself into
something of a corner.
Perhaps I could assist.
Thank you, Father, but
this is my problem alone.
It'll come to me.
In good time, I hope, Father.
The clock, as they
say, is ticking.
MUSIC COVERS SPEECH
I've laid my reputation
on this, Father.
If it doesn't go
well, I'll be deposed.
I'm sure everything
will be quite
Ah, gosh!
It's magnificent!
At least my work
will be admired.
Could you for once stop
being such a braggart?
And I need a word
with you later.
Happy birthday, Emerald,
from all of us here.
Oh, thank you.
That is so thoughtful
of you all.
Thank you.
Priorities, people.
We open in TWO DAYS.
Everything all right?
FATHER LINDSEY: I've done it!
I've actually done it!
A rush of inspiration
from the Lord himself.
Who knew this murder lark
could be such jolly good fun?
Ingenious!
Well done, Father.
Nobody will see that coming.
How did you come up with this?
Oh, it just sort of
popped into my head.
Sometimes I do astound myself.
I've never read such far-fetched
tripe in all my life!
Oh. Perhaps I should
stick to my day job.
I think it's splendid, Father.
This really is going to
be a seminal production.
It's a simply Simply
TEDDY: Beastly.
Beastly business.
One would rather be miserable
in the back of a Rolls
than happy on a bicycle.
Well, how did you find out?
I overheard him, right
here, from the hidey-hole.
The what? Honestly, Mummy, you
can be so oblivious sometimes.
Oh
Oh, for goodness'
sake, where's Herman?
I haven't seen him all day.
Isn't that his jacket?
Will somebody
please find Herman?
Argh!
I trust this is
some kind of a joke.
I'm afraid not, Mr Sadwick.
He's dead.
FATHER LINDSEY
CRASHES TO THE FLOOR
Are you sure you're all right?
Yes, thank you, Father, I'm just
not a huge fan of dead bodies.
Then perhaps it's best
you both leave me to it.
Note the blunt trauma wound
to the back of the head.
And judging by the rigor mortis,
he's been dead I'd say
for at least six hours.
Yes, I can make my own
deductions, thank you.
Er, Father, would you mind
not tampering with the scene
of the crime, please?
Apologies, Chief Inspector.
Now, if you would both kindly
I trust you will let us know the
outcome of the pathologist's report?
Goodfellow.
Come now, Fathers,
let us do our job.
Of course, Sergeant.
A thousand apologies.
EMERALD: Perhaps
it is for the best.
I don't mean because he's
dead, God rest his soul.
I mean we don't have to go through
with this troubled production.
Fiddlesticks!
We must honour Herman's work
and memory by forging ahead.
It's what he would have wanted.
Aren't you forgetting that Herman
was also our stage manager?
Not for a second, Bonnie.
Which is why I'm promoting
you to the position.
Thank you.
I'll do my best.
As soon as the police are
done, we get back to work.
We open tomorrow.
You didn't remove police
evidence, did you?
God forgive me.
I thought it rather more
important that you saw it.
BREATHES IN DEEPLY
Intriguing.
I have invited us all here
tonight to unite the family.
But now the family,
and indeed my heart,
have been torn apart
like an old copy of
the Hambleston Gazette.
Perhaps "ripped" rather than
"torn". What do we all think?
I think you should shut
your trap and get offstage.
Sorry, everyone. Sorry.
Can we please just
get on with it?
Bonnie!
Ding dong!
BELLS RING
I wonder who that could be?
DOOR SLAMS Oh.
Daddy, the Inspector's here.
Then show him in.
Well
he's not actually here.
I could stand in.
Good grief, no.
Where is Sergeant Goodfellow?
I'm in the middle of a murder
investigation at the moment.
Who was the last
person to use this?
I found a spot of blood on it.
Luminol has revealed much more.
Despite an attempt made
to wipe the spanner clean,
we were able to
locate a fingerprint,
so now I need fingerprints
from all of you.
We are in the middle
of a dress rehearsal!
Albeit without any dress.
Could this not wait?
It's my spanner.
I didn't hit him.
Although you were at each
other's throats on a daily basis.
Bonnie Codling,
I'm arresting you
on suspicion of the
murder of Herman Jolly.
You are not obliged
to say anything,
but anything you do say
may be given in evidence.
Could things get any worse?
BONNIE: The Chief Inspector thinks I
went back to the theatre last night,
killed Herman, then locked up.
I'm not the only one with keys.
Who else? Just Teddy,
and Emerald, I think.
How long have things been
fractious between you and Mr Jolly?
Only three years.
Ever since I moved from Oxford.
I suppose he reminded
me of my father.
In what way?
He was a sadist and a bully too.
It was almost a blessing
when he disowned me.
For any particular reason?
Giving in to sin.
I see.
This was found in
Mr Jolly's pocket.
Cost of materials?
But it couldn't
have cost THIS much.
Well, Teddy would
have been furious.
Indeed.
Thank you, Miss Codling.
Very helpful.
What's going to
happen with the play?
Well, important as that is,
you are my main priority
and I will do all I can.
FATHER BROWN KNOCKS ON DOOR
Oh, I've suddenly
come all aquiver.
But why, my love?
Tell me
Tell me that Bonnie's
release is imminent.
Miss Codling is still
under arrest, I'm afraid.
Perhaps I could step
in the stage manager?
Hmm
I suppose beggars
can't be choosers.
Right, let's pick it up,
everybody. HE CLEARS HIS THROA
Can't you feel it?
A chill tearing
through the house.
Almost as if the ghost of Horace
was trying to tell us something.
Cue howling wind.
Howling wind. Hello?
Howling wind!
LOUD BANGS AND CRASHES
Um, I'm a bit tied
up at the moment.
I I give up!
I
Knock, knock.
Go away.
I'm afraid this won't
wait, Mr Sadwick.
You knew what Herman
Jolly was up to.
I trusted him.
Then he cleaned out
the society account.
£2,000.
How did this society come by
such a large amount of money?
I sold my butcher's shop.
That money was my nest egg
and I put it all in one basket.
You confronted him
on the day he died?
Yes, and he grovelled.
Do you honestly believe
that I'd do anything
to jeopardise this production?
No, I don't, Mr Sadwick.
All my life I've dreamed of
treading the boards as a pro.
But I never had the guts.
I'm not getting any younger
and this is my last chance.
I've managed to lure an
agent down from London
to see the opening night.
He's not going to come to
just any amateur production.
So you see, Father,
if this play fails,
so do all my dreams.
Then perhaps, Mr Sadwick, you
should proceed with rehearsals.
I understand the
costumes have arrived.
Have they?
Oh. Well, then, Father,
perhaps the day is not lost.
Yes. Yes, I think
that'll do very nicely.
Well done, Emerald.
What did you find
out then, Father?
I don't think our director would
risk jeopardising his own play.
However, I do suspect him of
having quite a nasty temper.
MRS DIVINE: Oh, dear.
What about Emerald?
Emerald?
I saw the way that
Herman looked at her
when she opened
that birthday card.
Which upset her greatly.
Ah! Suits you, Edgar.
Er, sir?
Er
Be very careful what
you say, Sergeant.
Sorry, sir.
There is, um, something you
might want to hear, sir,
in private.
I know exactly what you're
looking for, Father.
Great minds.
I could do with some help.
Oh, dear. What a whiff.
Aha!
Aha!
We do make a good team.
"A very happy birthday,
love from Sandy."
Oh, who is Sandy?
Indeed.
However
same handwriting.
Bingo!
Ah!
Well, what do you think?
I think you both look splendid.
Seconded.
Emerald, you have
surpassed yourself.
Let us just make it the
best it can be, shall we?
Thank you.
Mrs Baptiste, may I have a word?
Yes.
I'm afraid that'll
have to wait, Father.
We have some good news
and some bad news.
Oh, for pity's sake, man,
I need some good news.
Er, Miss Codling will be
released this evening.
Praise the Lord.
The day is saved!
And the bad news?
The fingerprint we
found on the spanner
was yours, Mrs Baptiste.
There's no doubt.
Emerald?
I'm sorry for
ruining everything.
But why?
Can we go now?
This is This is
a living nightmare.
How am I supposed to cope
without my Fanny Tinkle?
Teddy, all is not
lost. I have an idea.
CHURCH BELLS RING
BRENDA: I think you're mad.
We open tonight.
What other choice do we have?
I know all the lines
and thankfully, Ursula is only
onstage with the maid once.
Right, and how are you going
to make that work, then?
I'm sure Mrs Divine has
an elegant solution.
Thank you, Father.
This play has to be a success
or I'll be the shortest
serving president in history.
Besides which, I want to do
my best for Father Lindsey.
I thought he were t'murderer.
Brenda! What?
He had a key and all. Saw him
lock up with it last night.
Don't be so ridiculous.
Although why on earth
would Emerald do such a thing?
BOTH: Father?
That, ladies, is what
I intend to find out.
I'll see you both at
the theatre later.
Am I going to hang, Father?
I very much hope not.
Father Lindsey, may I?
Did you attack Mr
Jolly because of this?
Who's Sandy?
Sandy is dead, Father.
He was barely a man when
he came to Hambleston.
An orphan who lived in the
abandoned barn on Chipping Way.
Oh, my skinny little boy!
Who needed me as
much as I needed him.
Did you lose someone?
My son
and husband, in the last war,
before I came here
on the Windrush.
I'm so sorry.
HADS gave Sandy a purpose.
Bonnie and I used to take
turns to cook for him,
and I even found him a
job delivering for Teddy.
Things were getting better.
May we ask how he died?
Last year, during
a HADS meeting.
We all heard a gunshot -
Teddy, Bonnie, Herman and I.
We left the pub and we went to
check on Sandy in his barn and
there he was on the
ground, still warm.
Oh, he was gone and the murderer
just vanished into the night,
never to be found.
Oh.
Father?
Would you excuse me?
Not feeling too tickety boo.
FATHER LINDSEY KNOCKS ON DOOR
I take it you realised
who sent this?
Yes.
Why torment you?
I went to ask him and
he said I should, "leave HADS
or I might end up like Sandy."
He said he knew who murdered him
and he was glad Sandy was dead
and I don't know why!
He just kept laughing
and laughing,
and I saw red.
And before I knew it, I
THUD
And then you closed
the compartment?
No. It must have closed itself.
Believe me, Father, I was
going to tell the police
after the play ended.
I'd never let Bonnie take
the blame for my crimes.
Well, you see, that's
it, Mrs Baptiste.
I'm not entirely sure
it WAS your crime.
I'm afraid, Father, everything
that's happened, it's
all my fault.
Oh, dear.
Where the devil is Father Brown?
He'll be here any second.
Father will not let you down.
He'd better not. Everybody,
tonight needs to go
perfectly.
I thought Sandy's
death sounded familiar.
My research for the play -
subconsciously, I must
have integrated it.
Inadvertently solving
howdunit on your final page.
Consider the hooks on the wall
and the trajectory of the bullet.
Mr Jolly's reaction now
makes perfect sense.
At least it wasn't the
quality of my writing.
Herman Jolly killed Sandy
with a pre-set mechanism.
The perfect murder
indeed. Well done, Father.
I'm not feeling especially
proud at the moment.
My play may be exceptional, but
a man is dead and Mrs Baptiste
is facing the noose. No.
Someone else is responsible.
When Herman Jolly's
body was discovered,
the door to the
compartment was jammed.
And there was this.
Ah! Stage make-up.
Ah!
Greasepaint was used
to seal the air vent.
So Herman Jolly asphyxiated
after the assault.
But why?
Oh, dear.
Sandy was from Oxford.
BUZZER RINGS Crumbs. The play!
Apologies. Apologies!
Good God, man, are you trying to
give me a heart attack? Daddy!
Sh! Calm, remember? Yes, yes.
Calm, everyone.
Tallyho!
And break a leg.
Metaphorically speaking.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
HE CLEARS HIS THROA
I would like, if I
may, to present to you
the story of a most
diabolical family,
and indeed, the
most perfect murder.
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
I know full well why you have
invited me here this evening.
Pounds, shillings and pence -
that's all I am to you lot.
Dear brother, no! No, Uncle!
You mean the world to
us. Horace, I love you!
Oh!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Purely as a brother in law.
I'm quite sure your considerable
wealth is immaterial to the family.
In that case, none of you will ever
see a penny of my money ever again.
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
Oh!
It's all going so well!
GUNSHO
GASPS
Horace? Are you Oh!
Oh!
SHE SCREAMS My
dear, dear brother!
But where is the murderer?!
How could they
disappear into thin air?
This all made sense to you,
didn't it, when you read
the final page? I'm
sorry? How Sandy died.
PRIEST PRAYS
Oh, to think that my uncle will
never move another muscle
AUDIENCE LAUGHS again.
But now
I really wish that you
hadn't said anything.
I've been torn apart.
You will have to
stage manage now.
Have faith, Father.
Of the old copy of the amnesty.
Me?!
Oh, dear.
Where's Mrs Tinkle,
that maid of yours?
I could murder a cup of tea.
Um, perhaps, dear wife,
you could go and get Fanny.
Oh, yes. I shall
do exactly that.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Tea for the inspector.
Have a biscuit and all.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Hello, Bonnie.
I have to go now,
Father. Of course.
But first you had to come
and say goodbye to your son.
Well, then, Father, I know you're
itching to tell me what's what.
Yes. Pray tell.
Guided by God, I have surmised that
someone here must be responsible.
WIND BLOWS
But how, I hear you ask
GLASS SMASHES
when everyone was together
during that fateful storm?
It is quite simply, the
most perfect murder.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS
Where's Father Brown?
He made me look more of a
fool than I already feel.
Edgar, I have no idea!
I'm going to kill him.
And Bonnie.
And you!
Yesterday, you talked
about giving in to sin.
Was Sandy taken
from you as a baby?
I assumed three years ago you
heard he'd come to Hambleston.
So you followed him
here from Oxford
and joined HADS to
get to know your son.
A life of children's homes.
And then he ran away.
What chance did he have, Father?
He had no-one.
He had you, and Mrs Baptiste
until Mr Jolly intervened. For
what reason, I'm not quite sure.
When I saw his reaction to the
mechanism on the final page,
I came back here, saw the hooks,
and found where the gun was.
I knew he'd killed my boy.
GUNSHO
When I confronted Herman,
he was already in a bad way.
He didn't even deny it.
What's it to you, anyway?
He was my son.
Hah! Ha, ha, ha! He
was a little snake,
that's what he was.
What? Spying on me.
Saw my hand in the
till at Teddy's.
He was going to grass.
So you killed him for THAT?
He deserved everything he got.
And guess who I told
Teddy the thief was?
Uh! It appears I need a doctor.
Chop, chop, woman.
What are you doing?!
Let me out! Open this door!
What are you doing?!
I take it that you removed the
greasepaint in the morning?
Tried to.
I just knew my boy
wasn't a thief.
Did Sandy know who you were? No.
Because I'm ashamed, Father,
of what I let happen to me.
I'd never told
anyone he was my son.
And because of my cowardice,
he never knew he was loved.
I think he did.
Very much loved.
At least now I have
justice for my boy.
But what will I do now, Father?
Well, you have to
repent of this murder.
Go to the police and confess.
I'm not sorry that man is dead.
I can never repent
for what I've done.
If you want to be
truly at peace,
and to see Sandy again one day,
it is exactly what you must do.
JAUNTY PIANO PLAYS
My darling girl, why
are you wearing that?
Because I've
realised, haven't I,
that Uncle Horace
was a bachelor?
So who is most likely to
inherit his spondulicks?
Who? Well, he didn't
much care for you.
IN COCKNEY ACCENT: Are
you quite sure about that?
LAUGHTER
I'll thank you to keep your
opinions to yourself, Fanny.
Me, Mummy, I'm going to be rich.
Richer than my wildest dreams.
CHARLESTON MUSIC PLAYS
RECORDS SCRATCHES
TEMPO CHANGES
RECORD SCRATCHES
LAUGHTER
Behold, I have recreated
the most perfect murder.
This is never going to work.
Inspector, please, if you will.
Here we go, Father.
GUNSHO
ROPE WHISTLES
And where did I
get the gun from?
Your study, Lord Etherington.
THEY GASP
I was framed.
I think not.
You are the one who invited
everyone here this evening.
You've been on your
uppers for some time.
Your only option was
to kill your brother
for your inheritance,
providing yourself with
the most perfect alibi -
myself.
But you did not count on my
God-given detection prowess.
All right, yes, I admit it.
Just spare my family.
I acted alone.
Must be nice for him to
get it right for once.
And now you must repent for
the sake of your immortal soul.
And that, ladies and gentlemen,
concludes this evening's
most imperfect murder.
PIANO PLAYS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my!
They love me!
CORK POPS, CHEERING
My whole life is about
to change for ever.
There was an agent
out there tonight.
Oh! We must invite him
backstage immediately.
I'm afraid he's just left.
Oh. What did he say?
He said the play was a hoot.
Ah. A new genre of
comedy murder mystery.
But it wasn't meant
to be a comedy.
What did he say about me?
He said your performance
was tragically
Yes?
Comic.
Ah.
Er, could I propose a toast?
To Sandy.
To Sandy. Sandy. Sandy. Sandy.
Who, I'd like you all
to know, was my son.
And I have to go now.
Where? Chief Inspector,
can I have a word?
Certainly.
Would you?
Look who I found.
Well, Emerald
turns out you were right.
I've really put the
ham into Hambleston.
I'm pulling the show.
Except we're sold out
every night this week.
What? The show
is a hit, Teddy.
Word of mouth, apparently.
Although how we could recreate
that performance, I'll never know.
So they're coming
to laugh at me?
Well, you must have
been very entertaining.
Maybe that's enough.
Maybe. Hmm.
Will you take it back, HADS?
Only if we can work
together this time.
Oh, well, that's just lovely.
Although you and I will be going
our separate ways, won't we?
With the greatest of
pleasure, Mrs Devine.
And my sincere thanks.
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
It has been three days
since my last confession.
Since then, I have been
instrumental in one murder
and an unfortunate
incarceration.
I feel quite wretched.
You are not responsible.
You shone light onto
a distressing mystery,
and it was solved.
That is kind of you to say.
But these past few days have
made me realise that murder
is never to be taken lightly.
An important lesson.
They say never meet
your heroes, Father,
but in your case,
I'm very glad I did.
You're not at all
like my uncle said.
Uncle?
Whom I believe you
know quite well.
Actually, he used to tread
the boards in the Footlights
long before he was canon.
Canon Fox?
He asked me to let you know that
he'll be checking
in on you very soon.
I look forward to that.
I think I'll stick to my
vocation for the moment.
Indeed.
It transpires that I'm not an
exceptional playwright after all,
though I do seem to have a
talent for this sleuthing lark.
Perhaps you should devote yourself
to your flock for the time being.
Righto, Father.
I do hope the next time we
meet is much less eventful.
Yes, Father.
Amen to that.