It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s12e02 Episode Script

1 (children coughing) Oh, Christ, does every single one of these kids have the flu? Seems like it.
All right, now I bet you guys are wondering what's going on - with this racing suit, huh? - No, not even a little bit.
You're like, "What's that rascal Charlie up to?" "What's he up to this time?" Right, right? - I'm not thinking that at all.
- Yeah, yeah, well, it's an issue of aerodynamics, really.
You see, every second counts in the water park.
- Right.
- And we plan to ride - every single ride in there today.
- Yup.
Yeah, the brochure says three days.
We're saying bullshit to that.
- We're gonna get it done in one.
- One day.
All right, well, good luck with that 'cause you got, like, ten minutes of clean water and then every slide's basically a urine delivery system.
- Yeah.
- (laughs) - MAC: We're not gonna get - drenched in piss.
- No.
We're gonna go in there, find our favorite ride, - bomb down it once, - Yeah.
then sit by the pool the rest of the day disease-free.
Don't kid yourself about the water, buddy.
You're not gonna be disease-free; this water's already infested with every parasite on the planet.
And I, for one, have no intention of stepping foot in any of it.
So what do you come to a water park for? Hot food, cold beer, bikini'd women seeking relief from the insufferable prison of motherhood.
Yeah, lot of pleasures to be had at the park, Frank.
- None of which involve piss.
- Hmm.
And it's all free, too, if you know how to get it.
Well, it's not free, you got to pay to get in.
Not me, I had my bracelet laminated in the '90s.
I haven't paid to get in here since I was 14.
- Nice! - Nice, nice.
- Oh, smart.
- Oh, shush! Shush, shush, shush, shush, - they're about to open! - Why do we have to shush? Oh, guys! I almost forgot.
Do not go near the pool drains, no matter how good you might think they feel on your butt.
- What? - Huh? - What? You do not sit on those! You know, because of the suction on your butthole? - No one's thinking about that, man.
- (all disagreeing) No one's thinking about that at all.
Oh, good, 'cause it is bad news.
Those things will suck the intestines right out of you.
Like it did to that one kid back in '96.
Now, she had to chew through her intestines - just to get free.
- CHARLIE: When I see the drain, I'm not gonna go try and sit on it.
- Oh, here we go.
- Okay, here we go! Here we go! We got to go! Get in there! - Go! Go! Go! - Christ! Kiddie Twister Kiddie Twister Here we go, here we go, here we go! - Yeah, Kiddie Twister! - I'm so excited.
- It's been, like, 20 years.
- What's that? Uh, it's a urine tester.
Just want to be 100% sure.
It turns light red at the slightest hint of piss.
- And I think we're good.
- Let's roll.
Hey, guys, guys, guys.
Slide's for kids only.
Size requirement.
Shut up, nerd! - (laughs) - (whoops) Kiddie Twister! (whoops) Screw you, nerd! You're gonna get hurt Uh, come on, nerd.
(laughs) Whoo-hoo! Kiddie Twister! I don't give a shit.
MAC: Kiddie Twister! (whoops) Kiddie Twis Oh, shit! - Kiddie Twister! - Wait, Dee, no! - No, I'm stuck, wait! - (Dee yells) BOTH: Ow! - Shit! - (Dee yells) Ow! Ow, Dee, I'm stuck! Yeah, no shit! - Dee, you got to move.
- Me move? You move.
You're blocking me.
Your stupid wrist band got us all jammed up.
- It's not just that.
- (grunting) The slide's too small, the nerd was right.
Shit, what are we gonna do? Uh okay.
Just remain calm, all right? Do not panic, that's the worst thing you can do.
Okay, but we got to get unstuck before they send another kid because oh, God, some big, fat kid's just gonna come blasting down on us.
- MAC: You're gonna be fine.
Trust me.
- (thud, both yell) - Shit! - Goddamn it! Jesus Christ! FRANK: This is slow, Charlie.
I'm never gonna get through this crap.
We should've gone down the first slide we saw.
I know, I know, but we needed to start at the northmost point - of the park, right? - (groans) - Then we work our way south, - Yeah.
and that cuts back on the excess - running back and forth.
- Oh, yeah.
You know, that said, I'm sorry I got us so lost.
I can't ever tell which way is north on a map.
It's at the top.
- I thought north was, like, up.
- "Up"? Yeah, like if I turn the map this way, now where is north? - Still at the top of the no.
- Down? - Now, come on, Charlie, this is ridiculous.
- It's confusing, right? We got to get going here.
- I know, goddamn it.
- Where's he going? - Coming through.
Excuse us.
- What, what? How come he can cut to the front? Oh, Ethan is here with a special program for children with leukemia, so he skips to the front of the line.
Thank you! Coming through.
FRANK: AIDS! AIDS, I got AIDS.
I got AIDS, we're coming through.
- Yeah, yeah, sorry.
- Cutting through.
I'm his doctor, my patient's got to get - to the front of the line - Yeah.
- Because he has AIDS.
- I got the AIDS.
He got it from a gay guy in the '80s.
- I'm not gay, I didn't but - Well There's two kind of AIDS there's the vagina AIDS and then the needle-based AIDS.
I-I'm a vagina guy.
- Well, no, actually my test results show - I got sorry, I'm AIDS.
that it was the gay AIDS.
- All AIDS are bad.
- Well That's no good AIDS.
But I'm telling you, like I said, this is not the gay AIDS.
(indistinct chatter, splashing) Lie back down.
One of these little stinkers yours? My son.
This one here? - WOMAN: Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah, - he's adorable.
- (chuckling) You? Oh, daughter, yeah.
I try to take her to fun places like this.
Let a little sunshine back into her life ever since her mom Oh, my God.
Did she Die horrifically? Yeah.
Drowning.
Kind of ironic, us being at a water park, but, you know, you got to you got to roll with the punches, you know? Got to get back out there and live life Daddy, Daddy, can I borrow $20? What? Oh, hi there, what's your name? Abby.
I'm hungry, Daddy.
Can I please have $20? Well, I think you can get something to eat for a lot less than that, hon.
Dad! I'm hungry, I'm starving, and you haven't given me any money.
(sighs) Yeah.
What the hell? (chuckles) Anything for my little - Abby.
- (chuckles) Interesting.
What's interesting? Nothing.
I'm done with you.
Keep up.
- Aah! Jesus.
- You'd think all the pressure would blast us through.
No, it's just squeezing me further into the stuck! Okay, well, get-get the bracelet off.
- Just rip it off.
- Dee, I'm trying.
I can't get any actual leverage on it.
Besides, it's triple-laminated.
- It's not just gonna rip.
- Oh, no.
- I think someone peed.
- What?! Sherman, did you pee? - No.
- Sherman, my vial - is turning light pink.
- MAC: Ugh goddamn it, Sherman, I ordered you not to pee! - Sorry! - Oh, disgusting! Sorry's not gonna cut it, Sherman, - it's not gonna cut it.
- Nobody else pee! Ah, the sun's just blasting me right in the face.
Why does it have to be right there? Dee, if God put the sun there, there's probably a reason, okay? Don't question him; we need God! God didn't put the sun anywhere.
The sun stays still; the Earth moves around it.
(all scream) - Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Okay.
All right.
We gotta get these kids out of here.
All right.
I'm going for it.
I'm just pulling on one of 'em.
Come on.
Ah, this friggin' dome's like a magnifying glass.
(groaning) MAC: Get him through, I can get him.
(Mac grunts) - DEE: Get help.
- Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Kid, kid, kid, listen.
Come here.
Before you go, no matter how alluring it is, do not put your genitals or your butthole near the pool drain.
You got it? - In fact, cover your butthole.
- DEE: Okay, go.
- Okay, kid.
Go, kid, go! - Come on.
Go.
Cover that butthole, kid! Mac.
Stop talking to children about their buttholes, okay? - It's not appropriate.
- Okay.
Okay.
Uh, I think we gotta get another kid out.
You know what? What about this one? That kid looks passed out, Dee.
Yeah, he's out cold, but I think I can maneuver his body pretty easily.
Yeah, but if we send him down there, he might drown.
Guys, I gotta take a poop.
(Mac and Dee grunt) - MAN: I see you stealing.
- ABBY: I wasn't stealing them! I just forgot I was wearing them! Let go of me! My dad's a cop! Abigail! What is going on in here? Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you.
- This your daughter? - Yes.
Officer Dennis Reynolds.
Hi.
Off-duty, of course.
This is your jurisdiction.
- Look, I caught her stealing sunglasses.
- Yeah? - No, I didn't! I was just - Abigail, I gave you $20 to buy whatever you wanted.
What happened to that? Do you still have it? Yes.
Well, then you need to pay for these sunglasses.
Actually, no.
You know what? On second thought, no.
You don't get the sunglasses.
- You need to be taught a lesson.
- I think that she gets I really appreciate everything that you do.
Real police officer to security guard, honestly, I want to thank you for everything.
- Thanks.
- This little girl, she's gonna be grounded for a month.
Come on, Abigail, let's go.
Try to touch me, and I'll scream "rape.
" Please.
I see the road you're headed down: the lying, the stealing, all of it.
And as somebody who's been down that road, let me tell you something: you've got real talent.
Okay Mmm.
That ought to work.
What are you doing? Oh, it's a simple lunch play.
I tell the burger stand some hyperactive brat knocked my food on the ground, they replace it, no questions asked.
I usually just swipe a burger off some dumb-ass family while they're not looking.
Well, that begs the question, Abigail: you want to be a thief or do you want to be an artist? You see, an artist takes whatever he wants when somebody's looking right at him.
- These are too small for me.
- Yeah.
- You get the point.
- Yeah.
- Here comes the hot stepper - Murderer - I'm the lyrical gangster - Murderer - Pick up the crew in-a de area - Murderer - Still love you like that - Murderer No, no, we don't die Yes, we multiply - I got AIDS, AIDS.
- AIDS! Guy with AIDS, coming through.
AIDS, coming through.
AIDS, AIDS - AIDS! - Hey, man, go through.
Hey, go for it, go, go, go! No, you need a raft! You need a raft! - (whooping) - I know what Bo don't know Touch them up and go, uh-oh Ch-Ch-Chang-chang - Here comes the hot stepper - Murderer I'm the lyrical gangster (both shouting excitedly) - Excuse me, Mr.
Officer - Murderer - Still love you like that - Murderer - Ah! Ah! - Ow! - Extraordinary - Go.
- Juice like a strawberry - Go.
- My camera! - Oh, great, your camera.
I was really worried about that.
This is my watch.
Cut to fade is me, fade to cut is she Come juggle with me, I say every time - Here comes the hot stepper - Murderer - Go.
- (screams) - Go.
- (screams) - My sunglasses.
- Oh, all of our chains! You know how hard it is to get all of our chains.
- AIDS - AIDS, AIDS! Na, na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na Na-na-na-na KID: Ow! Stop sending kids, nerd! - You goddamn nerd! - Go.
- We're making good time.
- We're doin' it, Charlie.
We're pretty much we're pretty much caught up.
Whoa, hey, hey, guys! What are you guys doing? You guys doing a AIDS thing? - Oh, yeah! - Yeah.
I gave Frank a couple hickeys - to sell the lesions.
- Sucked on 'em.
Yeah, yeah.
You doing a fake daughter thing? - Yeah.
- Cool.
All right, man, see ya.
- See ya.
- (starts fake crying) - I'm the lyrical gangster - Murderer - Excuse me, Mr.
Officer - Murderer - Still love you like that - Murderer (thud, screaming) Act like you know, G go I know what Bo don't know Touch them up and go, uh-oh Three, two, one, go! (whooping) I got AIDS! (whooping) Yeah! (whooping) - Frank, we did it, man! - Charlie! - With time to spare! - Charlie! We - Every single ride in here! - We won! CHARLIE: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Suck on that, river rat! - Every ride! - (laughs) (both laughing) - We did it.
- Oh, shit.
Frank.
Look at this! - Oh.
- Oh What what is that? I don't know.
I mean, that-that's not on the map what ride is that? Excuse me? - Excuse me, ma'am? - Yeah? What is this ride over here? Oh, that's our new slide.
It's, uh, Thunder Gun Express.
We just finished construction.
It'll be open in a few weeks.
- A Thunder Gun ride? - Yeah.
Like the movie? Yeah, but there's no water or anything yet, - so we still have to test it.
- Oh, yeah.
It's totally dry.
- Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's not, it's not no, but it's not, it's, it's not open yet.
It's Thunder Gun, man.
No hesitation.
- No, no, no.
- No surrender.
No man left behind.
We got to get to the top of that slide.
And raw-dog the shit out of it! (indistinct chatter) (huffs) - Mac? - Yeah? My vial is blood red.
That's because the water's not even running through anymore.
It's just pooling up.
- Well, I got to tell you something, though, I - Huh? I don't know if I'm gonna be able to hold it much longer.
- What?! - I-I've been in here for so long, I-I Don't you do it, Dee! Don't you do it! The problem is it's already happening.
I'm peeing on your shoulder right now.
- But I don't mean to, I'm sorry.
- (groaning) - It's warm.
- You bitch! When we get out of here, I'm gonna kill you! What am I supposed to do? How are you even holding your pee? We've been stuck in here forever! Oh, I peed as soon as we got in the slide.
- Me, too.
- What?! (laughter) - Ew! - What?! These animals are, they're laughing! Of course they are! I think they're actually enjoying this shit! Oh, they love every second of it! - They're just pissing all over us! - Goddamn it.
We're gonna die in here with them! Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a second, Dee.
- I've got an idea! - What? If we can get Sherman's mouth to this bracelet, we can get out of here.
You said you couldn't rip through it.
No, I can't.
But Sherman can chew through it! Like the girl in the pool drain when she got her anus stuck, she chewed through her prolapsed anus and chewed herself to freedom.
- What are you talking about?! - Sherman! Get your mouth to this bracelet and chew! Aw, screw it.
Try it.
Chew like you've never chewed before.
Go, Sherman, chew! (indistinct chatter) Whoa! Whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? I got some boy to give me this.
I said I'd kiss him if he met me in the parking lot.
Then I swiped his wristband, so he can't get back in.
(laughs) Nice.
Thanks.
Well, I got to roll.
What do you mean? Where you going? We're just getting started.
Yeah, but my mom said it's time to leave.
DENNIS: Wow.
That's a disappointing glimpse into your future.
Now, why don't you tell your mom you want to stick around for a little while? That won't work.
She never listens to me.
Oh, now, see, no.
That bothers me.
A genius whose fate is controlled by an idiot? You think I'm a genius? Yes! Yes, I think you're a genius.
Are you kidding me? When I was your age, I couldn't have accomplished half the things you did today.
See, this is why the Chinese are destroying us.
If you were born in China, you'd be the head of some factory by now.
Or they would've thrown you in a river, 'cause you weren't a boy.
All right, it's not a great analogy, but you get my point.
A-Abby you deserve better.
Here, I I want you to have it.
No, what do you mean? You earned that.
No, please, take it.
So you never forget me.
Thanks, Dennis.
For being the first adult to actually give a shit about me.
DENNIS: You! Yes? We need to have a conversation.
Your daughter is a special kid.
A gifted child who should be treasured.
If she were born in China, she Wait, I already did that.
Didn't work.
If she were born in What country treasures their women? - What are you talking about? - What am I talking about? Mom, can I have a slushy? Yes, in just a minute.
Is that Abby's brother? I don't have a daughter.
Yes, you do.
The girl that was just ABBY: Please take it.
So you never forget me.
DENNIS: See, an artist takes whatever he wants when somebody's looking right at him.
What is wrong with you? Why are you? (shushing) (quietly): Huh.
(Charlie whistles) How would you even describe something like that? It's so beautiful.
They should've sent a poet.
- All right, let's go, let's go.
- Okay.
- All right, all right.
- Okay.
- Here we go.
- (laughing) Oh, oh.
All right.
This should be good, right? Oh, that's great.
- That'll do it.
- Oh! Who's going first? Well, it should be you, right? I mean, you pulled off the AIDS thing.
Oh, Charlie! Charlie! All right! Let's go before we get caught.
Let's go before we get busted, okay? - All right, here we go.
- All right.
- All right.
- Ready, Frankie! - I won't let you down! - All right! - I like the spirit here.
- Oh! - (squeaking) - Oh, it burns! It burns! It burns! It burns! Aah! (shouting) (shouts) My back! That guy has AIDS! Aah! Aah, my back! (crowd clamoring) AIDS! Everybody out.
Aah! Aah! - (Frank grunting) - (crowd clamoring) We're free! Oh, my God! Ah, we're free! My God! Is that blood? There's AIDS blood in the pool! That's goddamn AIDS blood?! (crowd screaming) Has anyone seen my son? Goddamn it! I hate this goddamn water park! (dramatic music playing)