Would I Lie To You? (2007) s12e02 Episode Script
Rylan Clark-Neal, Sara Pascoe, Mary Portas, Paul Sinha
1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show that sorts the facts from the fibs.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, a TV star who can light up a room just by entering it.
Yes, his teeth really are that bright.
It's Rylan Clark-Neal.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a retail expert who, on her first day working for Harrods, knew she was going up in the world.
She was the lift attendant.
It's Mary Portas.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on Lee's team, she's a feminist and a vegan.
So she wants to smash the glass ceiling, but doesn't quite have the strength.
It's Sara Pascoe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a comedian who is also a fully qualified GP.
He knows that laughter is the best medicine, although penicillin comes a close second.
It's Paul Sinha.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Rylan is first up.
OK.
I was once mugged by a fox.
- Lee's team.
- Was it Edward Fox? I didn't catch his name, Lee.
When was this? This was I was probably about 18.
- 18? - Yes, about 11 years ago.
I'm only 29.
- And what did he get? Your glacier mints? - No! I was on a night out with my friends, and I'd split from my friends, and my friend didn't live too far from where we had had the night out.
Where, Rylan? Which part of the country? It was in Essex, it was in Romford.
So I started to walk back to his, he lives in a cul-de-sac, a dead end road.
- We know what a cul-de-sac is.
- Yeah.
What you don't know is that in Romford, they are quite posh.
So that is an important detail.
It's a very important detail, a cul-de-sac.
That's French.
It's only dead-end literally, not metaphorically.
These people are going places.
It depends what side of Romford.
So I'm walking down his road, and as I'm walking down this road, there's a wall, there was a fox on the wall.
On the wall? - On the wall, just perched on there.
- What's it's doing up there? Just looking at me.
And you know, I don't know if anyone else does this, but if there's a fox or anything, I just sort of stamp my feet - and went - HE HISSES You know? For it to run away.
Instead, the fox slyly crawled down the wall and walked towards me.
Oh, my word.
Really slowly as well, which put me on edge.
Now, I've got my phone in one hand and my wallet and the other, I was wearing an extremely skinny pair of trousers, I had no pockets, right? So, as I've gone, like, "What the hell is going on with this fox?", the fox jumped towards me, it leapt off all of its legs Yeah.
Whoa, whoa.
How many legs? Four.
All four of its legs.
- Can I just check? Does that add up? - Yeah, yeah.
- OK, carry on.
Thank you.
And in the ruckus, like the panic, I've gone, "Oh!" and dropped my phone and wallet.
And it grabbed my wallet in its mouth, and ran away.
It ran away with the wallet? It ran away with my wallet in its mouth.
When you rang your bank, were there any unauthorised uses of your credit card? Well, it's funny, because I did have to ring the bank the following day and said, "My wallet's been stolen, "I need to cancel my cards".
A direct debit from a chicken coop.
And they said, "Oh, that's fine, we can cancel your cards, "but if you could get a crime reference number, "because you said it's been stolen, we just need to log on the system".
I said, "Yeah, that's fine," so I had to ring the police and describe the assailant.
How did you describe him? Ginger and fluffy.
He didn't take the phone, did he? No, I kept the phone, I was very lucky.
OK, did it come back? - No.
- It never came back? - Never found again, so there's some fox out there having a right old jolly-up.
What do you think, could it be true? Did you not make any attempt to chase him, or? No, I was just in a panic, and I just wanted to get to the nearest point of safety.
I think it's a lie.
On the one hand, I don't think he's telling the truth.
On the other hand, I've never got one of these right in my entire life, so - You didn't tell us that before we booked you! - No.
For what it's worth, I've never got anything right on The Chase.
- Neither have I.
- You surprise me.
So I don't think he's telling the truth.
- I think he's lying.
- OK, we'll say it's a lie.
You're going to say it's a lie.
Rylan, mugged by a fox.
Truth or lie? It is, in fact very true, and I'm embarrassed.
It's true, Rylan really has been mugged by a fox.
Sara, you're next.
OK.
It says possession.
Now, first of all read out the card, and then when you've done that, take the object and pop it on the desk.
I once bought a chest of drawers for my bedroom online.
I realised I'd made a terrible mistake when this arrived.
- David's team.
- Is it a doll's house one? All the evidence is there, Mary.
No, no, no, that's full size.
She's massive! Sara, on those things, when you buy online, they do have measurements.
Did you not think to look at them? I knew that, with things like clothes and shoes.
I didn't know some charlatans were making furniture this small.
So you think they were charlatans, they weren't just sincerely making doll's house furniture, they were tried to pass off doll's house furniture as full-size furniture online? Yes! That's what I think they're doing.
You weren't surprised by the comparatively inexpensive - postage and packing? - No.
Well, actually "If out, put through letterbox.
" Honestly, if you saw a picture of this, just close.
It's massive! - How much was it, Sara? - £35.
So did you just think you were getting a full-on bargain? You can get things very cheap.
Yeah, but that's gone from a relative bargain to a lot to pay for that.
I was disappointed.
Do the drawers actually open and shut? Is it functional? The thing is, Rob, in a way, it's just like a normal - chest of drawers.
- It really is, isn't it? Like, you can put stuff in there, it's just's not big enough for my trousers and my Sara, do you normally buy online, your furniture? I've got this habit at the moment, Mary, I like to buy things when I'm drunk, and then it's a surprise.
Why did you not send it back? Yes, because you can on these things, you can contact the seller, can't you, and complain? Can I be truly honest with you? Are you going to be? I love this, and I was too embarrassed to say I hadn't checked the measurements.
Where do you keep it now? I keep it in my kitchen.
- Why? - Well.
.
I I - I like to put money in there.
- How much? - How much can you get in there? - £1 in here, £2 in there.
- A rolled up fiver.
- Yeah.
And then a 20, if I had to get a cab a long way.
It's good for tipping someone who has delivered you something.
£1, £2, £5.
Yeah, depending.
What if you want to do £3? - That would kill me, that.
- £1 and £2.
What do you think? Mary, what are you thinking? It's a sweet story, Sara, but I cannot believe you buy when you're drunk.
So I think it's a lie, Sara.
- Rylan? - I disagree a little bit with Mary, because I am a drunk buyer.
- I do like late at night - I believe that! I think, "I'll have some of that".
But not a chest of drawers.
So what are you going to say, David, as captain of the team? - You think it's a lie? - Yes.
We're going to say lie, then.
You're going to say lie.
OK.
Sara, truth or lie? OK, I'm very relieved to tell you that it is - .
.
true.
- No! No! I love it, love it! Yes, it's true.
Sara did buy a tiny chest of drawers by mistake.
Paul, you're next.
35 quid?! Sorry, just 35 quid per one of them! I would rather, when drunk, give up 35 quid for that - than panic and give my wallet over to a drunk fox.
- Yes, yes! Thanks, Paul! You weren't there, Paul! Every night, to cram in as much learning as possible, I read a book whilst simultaneously listening to a completely different audio book.
David's team.
OK, what was the last book and audiobook simultaneously you read and listened to? It was Trevor Montague's This is the book, Trevor Montague's A To Z Of Everything, which is the absolute bible of general knowledge.
And it was The Guinness Book Of Records audiobook, but not for this year.
They do it every year since 1956, when it was founded, and I have an obsession with 1984.
- Why? - Why'd you do two together? Why? And can you actually feed and retain the information? Well, can you is the question I can't really answer, because general knowledge is basically about learning as many facts as possible, and then hoping they come up.
But I only really do this in the two to three weeks before any major general knowledge quiz.
Because you're a big quizzer? I'm the fifth ranked quizzer in the United Kingdom, - which is - All right, all right, don't boast.
CHEERING And of course, the other four, they listen to one, read one, and they've got one on braille as well.
- Paul, can I ask you a question? - Yes.
Can you tell me three Guinness world records from 1984, please? I'll give you one that still stands, Robert Pershing Wadlow is the tallest man of all time, eight feet 11.
75.
- I knew that.
- One that doesn't stand, but stood in '84, the previous year, Calvin Smith broke the world record for the 100 metres just before the World Athletics Championships, with 9.
93 seconds.
I didn't understand a word you just said.
I'm just trying to answer your question.
And the third one is, in 1984, Ronald Reagan beat Walter Mondale in the largest percentage of the vote, something like 73.
6% - of the vote.
- Is that true? When he beat Walter Mondale in the US Presidential - election that year.
- Why are you asking us?! - I don't know.
I'm very flattered that you think I know about American elections in that much statistical detail.
Who was number one in the charts November 1984? F-f-f-f-flex.
Well, that was actually May.
Was it? You're making it up! It was Chaka Khan, I Feel For You, with harmonica by Stevie Wonder, a rap by Melle Mel, written by Prince.
Chaka Khan, I Feel For You, was number one in November 1984.
That's true.
APPLAUSE Hang on, hang on.
Whoa, whoa.
This is not a general knowledge quiz.
I like the way you clap with no evidence if that's true at all.
Which Rod Stewart song was a number one in 1984? Do you mean Baby Jane, 1983? Yes, I do.
I tell you what, I really feel even more stupid that I couldn't add two and one.
Where do you do this, Paul? Well, I only live in a two bed flat, there's not many choices.
- So you do it at home? - Oh, yeah, I do it absolutely at home.
All right.
You said there was two bedrooms, not many choices, I think you'll find there's not many options, there's only one choice.
I feel like someone in the pub is trying to fight someone who's a bit bigger than they are.
I want to hold you back from this! What was the other book, again? Trevor Montague's A To Z Of Everything, if one is allowed to advertise on a BBC TV show.
Well, I think we should say other impenetrably boring books are available.
Right, David, what do you think? - What do you think, Mary? - Well, I believe him.
I do, I just think It sounds very boring, and I don't think you are.
So therefore, I think it's true.
I think he's lying.
I think he's coming at me with facts to confuse me.
This is what they do! We're going to go lie.
- You're going to say it's a lie? - Yeah.
Paul, were you lying, or were you telling the truth? It was .
.
a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Paul doesn't read one book while listening to another.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will claim it is then that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to Lee's team to spot who is telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Paul.
APPLAUSE So, Rylan, what is Paul to you? This is Paul, Paul's my plumber, and he came over to fix a leak, but ended up cutting my hair.
So Rylan's hairdressing handyman.
Mary, how do you know Paul? This is Paul, and every Christmas, I sing carols to Paul's cows.
Mary's festive friend.
And, David, what is your relationship with Paul? This is Paul, and while browsing in a bathroom showroom, he persuaded me to hop in a tub with him to test whether it would fit him and his wife.
Lee's team, where do you want to begin? Right, we'll start with Rylan.
When was this haircut? This was Big Brother 2014.
What did you say before that? I measure years by Big Brothers.
How many brothers have you got? No, I work on Big Brother, so I do it the theme.
And the reason Paul came round Yeah, I measure it by Big Brothers, 2014.
Was he giving you a haircut for Big Brother? No, but he ended up giving me a haircut for Big Brother.
So my brother-in-law knows Paul, because my brother-in-law is an electrician, and he said Paul will do the plumbing, because my brother-in-law did the electrics Is everyone paying tax? Just checking, cos I know how these things can be.
Paul's giving me a right look! Where was the leak? It was basically my shower was dripping, and I called my hairdresser, Hayley, who comes to my house to cut my hair and colour my hair, because this isn't real, guys - shock.
And I said, "Babe, can you come and do my hair? "Big Brother starts tomorrow, it's the launch, "I need my cut and colour done.
And she said, "Babe, I'm in Tenerife.
" And I was like, "Are you joking?" "It's fine.
" I used to do hair when I was 16, and I said, "I'll just do my own colour," because I've got everything indoors anyway.
So I put my colour on, and when I went to wash my hands, I realised there weren't no water coming out of the tap.
I rang Paul, and I said Paul, "Come over to fix my taps," - and yeah - And then what happened? Well, then basically, Paul came over, he fixed everything, and I said, "Paul, you wouldn't do me a favour, would you? I've obviously got everything at home.
All I needed was like my sides and my back just shaved.
I've obviously got the razor, it's like number four setting or whatever.
- Why have you got all the equipment at home? - Because I studied hair when I was 16.
Can I tell you one rookie error? - With? - You.
What you've done, washing your hands, everyone, even if they're doing it first time, wears gloves.
So why have you got it on your hands? Because I was colouring my own hair But the gloves come in the packet.
Yeah, but it doesn't go all the way up there, darling.
David, when you do yours, do you wear gloves or do you just Do you mind the dye going on? You know, I just get a team of people round.
You know, I think You know, you can't afford to take risks with your look.
This was one day before you were due to film Big Brother.
It was on the Thursday, we launched on the Friday.
You let a plumber take a razor blade, shave the back of your head, before you did national television? Right, it was very, very simple.
Here's a detail, then.
So he fixed the water, then you had a shower to get - all the stuff out of your hair.
- Yeah.
What did Paul do while you were in the shower? I made Paul a coffee, this was before I took my colour off, and I said, "Paul, do you mind just sticking around 15 minutes "while I wash this colour off, I'll dry my hair, - "and you just shave it?" - This sounds a little bit like the start of Confessions Of A Plumber.
"Oh, Paul, I just need to pop into the shower.
" Paul came in, and there was some '70s jazz music on.
And what sort of job did he do? Were you pleased with it? Yeah, very pleased.
Everyone said my hair looked nice.
- How long did it take? - He did a good job.
About five minutes, not even that.
Well, 25 minutes, if he's a plumber with fag breaks and tea breaks.
He didn't react, he's not a plumber.
I think he might have died.
OK, so shall we move onto Mary? Mary, yes.
Just remind us, Mary, what is it you claim here with Paul? I sing to Paul's cows at Christmas.
Right, what do you sing to them? Away In A Manger.
You sing Away In A Manger to them, do you? Yeah, and what's that one? Well, you do it every year.
The cattle are lowing, the baby - That one, the cattle.
- That is Away in A Manger.
That's Away in A Manger.
That one, I sing that one.
And I suppose the big question has to be, why? Well, because apparently, they really like it.
I'm not a particularly good singer, I'm not a particularly good singer, but they like being sung to, and it's a kind of Why do they like being sung to? They find it very moo-ving.
Is there a reason he chooses you as opposed to somebody who admits they can sing well? Well, no, it's not just me.
I'm part of the community who, you know, live near Paul, and, you know, we all get together to sing.
What's the actual purpose this? Lots of things.
You give thanks, it's Christmas.
And probably, you know, the cows are going to be in for the chop.
Well, I was about to say, if she really wants to thank the cow, in a way that would mean something to the creature, you're going to let him go.
Well No, that doesn't make any sense at all.
What are you thanking them for then? The thing you're thanking them for, you then don't get! What you're thanking them for is their forthcoming deliciousness, you've got to do it in advance, because afterwards, they can't hear you.
He's a really caring farmer, I have to say this.
Tell that to the cows.
Little bit of a hippie.
And I'm a bit of a hippie, we connect, and we think, you know, this is a really lovely thing to do.
Not so much of a hippie that you don't mind killing the cows! Hippies can kill cows.
You probably don't kill the cows yourself, you outsource it, that's the system.
Don't kill the cows yourself! That's very messy and upsetting.
Send them to an abattoir.
A lovely abattoir.
A pampering abattoir.
It's like a spa, but with knives.
Right, what about David? So, David, remind us again.
While browsing in a bathroom showroom, Paul persuaded me to try out a bathtub with him to see if it would fit and his wife.
Right, how did he approach you? What was the conversation? Well, he approached me, and said that he recognised me from the television.
- Right.
- Oh! On which I have appeared.
Oh! You had your "I'm David Mitchell" T-shirt on again, did you? What were you shopping for that day? A small basin or sink.
A small one? - A small one.
- Didn't want to treat yourself? Yeah, no Not a little one? What I was looking for was to human scale.
David, what was going through your mind when a complete stranger walks up to you and says, "I know you from the telly.
"Will you get into the bathtub with me?" Well, it didn't happen like that.
It didn't happen All right then, it didn't happen like that, but tell us another version how it didn't happen.
He initially said, "I like your work on television" - Really? - It's a lie.
He I'm going to say it, he asked for a selfie.
We took a selfie, so it was very nice, I was feeling my It was very nice! It WAS nice.
Look, it's not an accident we're in this business.
On some level, we have an emptiness inside that we need to fill with the approval of strangers.
And a little bit of the approval of a stranger was making me feel a bit better about myself, thank you very much, albeit briefly, and then it turned out he had an ulterior motive.
David, I need you to act this out, because we are all talking about this like it is sensible.
But it's too intimate, unless We were clothed.
I want to know which way round.
Did you sit opposite each other with your legs? No, we both sat at the same end.
So he was spooning you? No, of course we sat at opposite ends.
Did you choose the tap end or the non-tap end? Ah! The tap was in the middle.
Right.
This is the thing, for an actual rational human being to think, "I wonder if I'll fit in this massive bath with my wife "I'll ask this minor celebrity" Elton John was in the shop, and he'd said no.
Will you do it with Rylan for me? OK, well Where am I sitting? We've got to imagine we're getting in a You're a very tall man.
God Almighty, I can see why you can't get phones and a wallet in those! As a working hypothesis, let's say this rectangle is broadly the bath.
Is there any blood going to your feet? Rylan, you're in the bath showroom.
So you sit at that end, the tap's here.
Is this what you did? You took control, David? No, I didn't take control! Them, as you can see, our legs Our legs sort of tessellated.
No, in the In between! You know what this is making me think, David? You just look at each other now, I'm picturing a voice-over saying, "There are many ways to keep a relationship fresh in your life.
"Why not try sharing a bath together?" I think well done.
Right, now then, we need an answer.
So, Lee's team, is Paul Rylan's hairdressing handyman, Mary's festive friend, or David's bath buddy? The only story that made any kind of sense whatsoever was Rylan's.
Rylan's?! Yeah, Rylan's.
I can believe that a man whose obsession is being legendarily well groomed and stylish would panic and get his plumber to do his hair.
I could just about believe that.
I've been looking at Paul while everyone has been talking, and he really did light up during David's story.
Like, he was really enjoying it, like he was a fan.
- Of David.
- Or it might be the first time he's heard it.
That's true.
That's true as well.
What about the farming? What do you about Mary? - That's the one I think is true.
- The farmer? I think that some local people would go and sing for animals at a local farm.
This is a thing to do.
I do believe that you could sing to a cow.
I believe slightly more that somebody would have their hair cut by a plumber.
However, not him.
Who did your teeth, the tiler? Go on, then, we'll say Mary.
You're going to say it's Mary? OK.
Paul, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Paul, and every Christmas Eve Yes, Paul is Mary's festive friend.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Mary.
If I have learned one thing from my many years in business, it is this - never trust a man in a floral shirt.
Right.
Lee! What is it about men with floral shirts? Well, they're trying to make a statement.
- What is that statement? - The wrong one.
They're trying to say, "Look at me, listen to me, "I'm powerful, I'm sexy".
With flowers? "I'm in touch with my feminine side.
" - Is it in business only? - Yes.
Well, because I've worked in the fashion business a lot.
All right.
Is it your day off? You started it! I wasn't talking about you, Lee, I would never do anything like that.
- I really wasn't - You said a man in a floral shirt - In business.
- In business.
- You don't do business, do you? - I do business.
- Pitch something to Mary.
OK, yeah.
Hello.
After a toaster? Say, "Invest in my company".
Will you invest in my company? I haven't sold many toasters recently.
I think it's my attitude.
Is your bread not hot enough? What do you want me say? Just make it look like you'll get your money back, 20% on every pound Do you want to buy my toaster? If you sell my toasters in your shop, I will let you - What? - Pyramid scheme.
If you were to get loads of them, you could put them in the shape of a pyramid, and maybe the Egyptians would buy them.
When you say, "If I have learnt one thing in business," are you implying that you've only learnt one thing in business? No, I've learned quite a few things.
OK, so if you've learnt two things in business, what's number two? Erm Never work with comedians.
Right, what do you think? Is she telling the truth, Lee? Well, it could be true, I suppose.
What do you think? I don't think it's true, because I don't think Mary judges people like that.
I've got nothing against his shirt.
He's a comedian, I get it.
This is men in business.
I'm in show business.
There is a difference No, there isn't.
There's no other business like show business.
There's a song about that I heard once! So do you think Mary is telling the truth? Truth or lie? - So we're saying? - I think it's a lie.
Lie.
- It's a lie.
- You're going to say it's a lie.
Mary, truth or lie? Oh, it is indeed a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Mary doesn't distrust men in floral shirts.
BUZZER Oh, and that noise signals time is up, it is the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team has won by three points to two.
Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, a TV star who can light up a room just by entering it.
Yes, his teeth really are that bright.
It's Rylan Clark-Neal.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a retail expert who, on her first day working for Harrods, knew she was going up in the world.
She was the lift attendant.
It's Mary Portas.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on Lee's team, she's a feminist and a vegan.
So she wants to smash the glass ceiling, but doesn't quite have the strength.
It's Sara Pascoe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a comedian who is also a fully qualified GP.
He knows that laughter is the best medicine, although penicillin comes a close second.
It's Paul Sinha.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Rylan is first up.
OK.
I was once mugged by a fox.
- Lee's team.
- Was it Edward Fox? I didn't catch his name, Lee.
When was this? This was I was probably about 18.
- 18? - Yes, about 11 years ago.
I'm only 29.
- And what did he get? Your glacier mints? - No! I was on a night out with my friends, and I'd split from my friends, and my friend didn't live too far from where we had had the night out.
Where, Rylan? Which part of the country? It was in Essex, it was in Romford.
So I started to walk back to his, he lives in a cul-de-sac, a dead end road.
- We know what a cul-de-sac is.
- Yeah.
What you don't know is that in Romford, they are quite posh.
So that is an important detail.
It's a very important detail, a cul-de-sac.
That's French.
It's only dead-end literally, not metaphorically.
These people are going places.
It depends what side of Romford.
So I'm walking down his road, and as I'm walking down this road, there's a wall, there was a fox on the wall.
On the wall? - On the wall, just perched on there.
- What's it's doing up there? Just looking at me.
And you know, I don't know if anyone else does this, but if there's a fox or anything, I just sort of stamp my feet - and went - HE HISSES You know? For it to run away.
Instead, the fox slyly crawled down the wall and walked towards me.
Oh, my word.
Really slowly as well, which put me on edge.
Now, I've got my phone in one hand and my wallet and the other, I was wearing an extremely skinny pair of trousers, I had no pockets, right? So, as I've gone, like, "What the hell is going on with this fox?", the fox jumped towards me, it leapt off all of its legs Yeah.
Whoa, whoa.
How many legs? Four.
All four of its legs.
- Can I just check? Does that add up? - Yeah, yeah.
- OK, carry on.
Thank you.
And in the ruckus, like the panic, I've gone, "Oh!" and dropped my phone and wallet.
And it grabbed my wallet in its mouth, and ran away.
It ran away with the wallet? It ran away with my wallet in its mouth.
When you rang your bank, were there any unauthorised uses of your credit card? Well, it's funny, because I did have to ring the bank the following day and said, "My wallet's been stolen, "I need to cancel my cards".
A direct debit from a chicken coop.
And they said, "Oh, that's fine, we can cancel your cards, "but if you could get a crime reference number, "because you said it's been stolen, we just need to log on the system".
I said, "Yeah, that's fine," so I had to ring the police and describe the assailant.
How did you describe him? Ginger and fluffy.
He didn't take the phone, did he? No, I kept the phone, I was very lucky.
OK, did it come back? - No.
- It never came back? - Never found again, so there's some fox out there having a right old jolly-up.
What do you think, could it be true? Did you not make any attempt to chase him, or? No, I was just in a panic, and I just wanted to get to the nearest point of safety.
I think it's a lie.
On the one hand, I don't think he's telling the truth.
On the other hand, I've never got one of these right in my entire life, so - You didn't tell us that before we booked you! - No.
For what it's worth, I've never got anything right on The Chase.
- Neither have I.
- You surprise me.
So I don't think he's telling the truth.
- I think he's lying.
- OK, we'll say it's a lie.
You're going to say it's a lie.
Rylan, mugged by a fox.
Truth or lie? It is, in fact very true, and I'm embarrassed.
It's true, Rylan really has been mugged by a fox.
Sara, you're next.
OK.
It says possession.
Now, first of all read out the card, and then when you've done that, take the object and pop it on the desk.
I once bought a chest of drawers for my bedroom online.
I realised I'd made a terrible mistake when this arrived.
- David's team.
- Is it a doll's house one? All the evidence is there, Mary.
No, no, no, that's full size.
She's massive! Sara, on those things, when you buy online, they do have measurements.
Did you not think to look at them? I knew that, with things like clothes and shoes.
I didn't know some charlatans were making furniture this small.
So you think they were charlatans, they weren't just sincerely making doll's house furniture, they were tried to pass off doll's house furniture as full-size furniture online? Yes! That's what I think they're doing.
You weren't surprised by the comparatively inexpensive - postage and packing? - No.
Well, actually "If out, put through letterbox.
" Honestly, if you saw a picture of this, just close.
It's massive! - How much was it, Sara? - £35.
So did you just think you were getting a full-on bargain? You can get things very cheap.
Yeah, but that's gone from a relative bargain to a lot to pay for that.
I was disappointed.
Do the drawers actually open and shut? Is it functional? The thing is, Rob, in a way, it's just like a normal - chest of drawers.
- It really is, isn't it? Like, you can put stuff in there, it's just's not big enough for my trousers and my Sara, do you normally buy online, your furniture? I've got this habit at the moment, Mary, I like to buy things when I'm drunk, and then it's a surprise.
Why did you not send it back? Yes, because you can on these things, you can contact the seller, can't you, and complain? Can I be truly honest with you? Are you going to be? I love this, and I was too embarrassed to say I hadn't checked the measurements.
Where do you keep it now? I keep it in my kitchen.
- Why? - Well.
.
I I - I like to put money in there.
- How much? - How much can you get in there? - £1 in here, £2 in there.
- A rolled up fiver.
- Yeah.
And then a 20, if I had to get a cab a long way.
It's good for tipping someone who has delivered you something.
£1, £2, £5.
Yeah, depending.
What if you want to do £3? - That would kill me, that.
- £1 and £2.
What do you think? Mary, what are you thinking? It's a sweet story, Sara, but I cannot believe you buy when you're drunk.
So I think it's a lie, Sara.
- Rylan? - I disagree a little bit with Mary, because I am a drunk buyer.
- I do like late at night - I believe that! I think, "I'll have some of that".
But not a chest of drawers.
So what are you going to say, David, as captain of the team? - You think it's a lie? - Yes.
We're going to say lie, then.
You're going to say lie.
OK.
Sara, truth or lie? OK, I'm very relieved to tell you that it is - .
.
true.
- No! No! I love it, love it! Yes, it's true.
Sara did buy a tiny chest of drawers by mistake.
Paul, you're next.
35 quid?! Sorry, just 35 quid per one of them! I would rather, when drunk, give up 35 quid for that - than panic and give my wallet over to a drunk fox.
- Yes, yes! Thanks, Paul! You weren't there, Paul! Every night, to cram in as much learning as possible, I read a book whilst simultaneously listening to a completely different audio book.
David's team.
OK, what was the last book and audiobook simultaneously you read and listened to? It was Trevor Montague's This is the book, Trevor Montague's A To Z Of Everything, which is the absolute bible of general knowledge.
And it was The Guinness Book Of Records audiobook, but not for this year.
They do it every year since 1956, when it was founded, and I have an obsession with 1984.
- Why? - Why'd you do two together? Why? And can you actually feed and retain the information? Well, can you is the question I can't really answer, because general knowledge is basically about learning as many facts as possible, and then hoping they come up.
But I only really do this in the two to three weeks before any major general knowledge quiz.
Because you're a big quizzer? I'm the fifth ranked quizzer in the United Kingdom, - which is - All right, all right, don't boast.
CHEERING And of course, the other four, they listen to one, read one, and they've got one on braille as well.
- Paul, can I ask you a question? - Yes.
Can you tell me three Guinness world records from 1984, please? I'll give you one that still stands, Robert Pershing Wadlow is the tallest man of all time, eight feet 11.
75.
- I knew that.
- One that doesn't stand, but stood in '84, the previous year, Calvin Smith broke the world record for the 100 metres just before the World Athletics Championships, with 9.
93 seconds.
I didn't understand a word you just said.
I'm just trying to answer your question.
And the third one is, in 1984, Ronald Reagan beat Walter Mondale in the largest percentage of the vote, something like 73.
6% - of the vote.
- Is that true? When he beat Walter Mondale in the US Presidential - election that year.
- Why are you asking us?! - I don't know.
I'm very flattered that you think I know about American elections in that much statistical detail.
Who was number one in the charts November 1984? F-f-f-f-flex.
Well, that was actually May.
Was it? You're making it up! It was Chaka Khan, I Feel For You, with harmonica by Stevie Wonder, a rap by Melle Mel, written by Prince.
Chaka Khan, I Feel For You, was number one in November 1984.
That's true.
APPLAUSE Hang on, hang on.
Whoa, whoa.
This is not a general knowledge quiz.
I like the way you clap with no evidence if that's true at all.
Which Rod Stewart song was a number one in 1984? Do you mean Baby Jane, 1983? Yes, I do.
I tell you what, I really feel even more stupid that I couldn't add two and one.
Where do you do this, Paul? Well, I only live in a two bed flat, there's not many choices.
- So you do it at home? - Oh, yeah, I do it absolutely at home.
All right.
You said there was two bedrooms, not many choices, I think you'll find there's not many options, there's only one choice.
I feel like someone in the pub is trying to fight someone who's a bit bigger than they are.
I want to hold you back from this! What was the other book, again? Trevor Montague's A To Z Of Everything, if one is allowed to advertise on a BBC TV show.
Well, I think we should say other impenetrably boring books are available.
Right, David, what do you think? - What do you think, Mary? - Well, I believe him.
I do, I just think It sounds very boring, and I don't think you are.
So therefore, I think it's true.
I think he's lying.
I think he's coming at me with facts to confuse me.
This is what they do! We're going to go lie.
- You're going to say it's a lie? - Yeah.
Paul, were you lying, or were you telling the truth? It was .
.
a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Paul doesn't read one book while listening to another.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will claim it is then that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to Lee's team to spot who is telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Paul.
APPLAUSE So, Rylan, what is Paul to you? This is Paul, Paul's my plumber, and he came over to fix a leak, but ended up cutting my hair.
So Rylan's hairdressing handyman.
Mary, how do you know Paul? This is Paul, and every Christmas, I sing carols to Paul's cows.
Mary's festive friend.
And, David, what is your relationship with Paul? This is Paul, and while browsing in a bathroom showroom, he persuaded me to hop in a tub with him to test whether it would fit him and his wife.
Lee's team, where do you want to begin? Right, we'll start with Rylan.
When was this haircut? This was Big Brother 2014.
What did you say before that? I measure years by Big Brothers.
How many brothers have you got? No, I work on Big Brother, so I do it the theme.
And the reason Paul came round Yeah, I measure it by Big Brothers, 2014.
Was he giving you a haircut for Big Brother? No, but he ended up giving me a haircut for Big Brother.
So my brother-in-law knows Paul, because my brother-in-law is an electrician, and he said Paul will do the plumbing, because my brother-in-law did the electrics Is everyone paying tax? Just checking, cos I know how these things can be.
Paul's giving me a right look! Where was the leak? It was basically my shower was dripping, and I called my hairdresser, Hayley, who comes to my house to cut my hair and colour my hair, because this isn't real, guys - shock.
And I said, "Babe, can you come and do my hair? "Big Brother starts tomorrow, it's the launch, "I need my cut and colour done.
And she said, "Babe, I'm in Tenerife.
" And I was like, "Are you joking?" "It's fine.
" I used to do hair when I was 16, and I said, "I'll just do my own colour," because I've got everything indoors anyway.
So I put my colour on, and when I went to wash my hands, I realised there weren't no water coming out of the tap.
I rang Paul, and I said Paul, "Come over to fix my taps," - and yeah - And then what happened? Well, then basically, Paul came over, he fixed everything, and I said, "Paul, you wouldn't do me a favour, would you? I've obviously got everything at home.
All I needed was like my sides and my back just shaved.
I've obviously got the razor, it's like number four setting or whatever.
- Why have you got all the equipment at home? - Because I studied hair when I was 16.
Can I tell you one rookie error? - With? - You.
What you've done, washing your hands, everyone, even if they're doing it first time, wears gloves.
So why have you got it on your hands? Because I was colouring my own hair But the gloves come in the packet.
Yeah, but it doesn't go all the way up there, darling.
David, when you do yours, do you wear gloves or do you just Do you mind the dye going on? You know, I just get a team of people round.
You know, I think You know, you can't afford to take risks with your look.
This was one day before you were due to film Big Brother.
It was on the Thursday, we launched on the Friday.
You let a plumber take a razor blade, shave the back of your head, before you did national television? Right, it was very, very simple.
Here's a detail, then.
So he fixed the water, then you had a shower to get - all the stuff out of your hair.
- Yeah.
What did Paul do while you were in the shower? I made Paul a coffee, this was before I took my colour off, and I said, "Paul, do you mind just sticking around 15 minutes "while I wash this colour off, I'll dry my hair, - "and you just shave it?" - This sounds a little bit like the start of Confessions Of A Plumber.
"Oh, Paul, I just need to pop into the shower.
" Paul came in, and there was some '70s jazz music on.
And what sort of job did he do? Were you pleased with it? Yeah, very pleased.
Everyone said my hair looked nice.
- How long did it take? - He did a good job.
About five minutes, not even that.
Well, 25 minutes, if he's a plumber with fag breaks and tea breaks.
He didn't react, he's not a plumber.
I think he might have died.
OK, so shall we move onto Mary? Mary, yes.
Just remind us, Mary, what is it you claim here with Paul? I sing to Paul's cows at Christmas.
Right, what do you sing to them? Away In A Manger.
You sing Away In A Manger to them, do you? Yeah, and what's that one? Well, you do it every year.
The cattle are lowing, the baby - That one, the cattle.
- That is Away in A Manger.
That's Away in A Manger.
That one, I sing that one.
And I suppose the big question has to be, why? Well, because apparently, they really like it.
I'm not a particularly good singer, I'm not a particularly good singer, but they like being sung to, and it's a kind of Why do they like being sung to? They find it very moo-ving.
Is there a reason he chooses you as opposed to somebody who admits they can sing well? Well, no, it's not just me.
I'm part of the community who, you know, live near Paul, and, you know, we all get together to sing.
What's the actual purpose this? Lots of things.
You give thanks, it's Christmas.
And probably, you know, the cows are going to be in for the chop.
Well, I was about to say, if she really wants to thank the cow, in a way that would mean something to the creature, you're going to let him go.
Well No, that doesn't make any sense at all.
What are you thanking them for then? The thing you're thanking them for, you then don't get! What you're thanking them for is their forthcoming deliciousness, you've got to do it in advance, because afterwards, they can't hear you.
He's a really caring farmer, I have to say this.
Tell that to the cows.
Little bit of a hippie.
And I'm a bit of a hippie, we connect, and we think, you know, this is a really lovely thing to do.
Not so much of a hippie that you don't mind killing the cows! Hippies can kill cows.
You probably don't kill the cows yourself, you outsource it, that's the system.
Don't kill the cows yourself! That's very messy and upsetting.
Send them to an abattoir.
A lovely abattoir.
A pampering abattoir.
It's like a spa, but with knives.
Right, what about David? So, David, remind us again.
While browsing in a bathroom showroom, Paul persuaded me to try out a bathtub with him to see if it would fit and his wife.
Right, how did he approach you? What was the conversation? Well, he approached me, and said that he recognised me from the television.
- Right.
- Oh! On which I have appeared.
Oh! You had your "I'm David Mitchell" T-shirt on again, did you? What were you shopping for that day? A small basin or sink.
A small one? - A small one.
- Didn't want to treat yourself? Yeah, no Not a little one? What I was looking for was to human scale.
David, what was going through your mind when a complete stranger walks up to you and says, "I know you from the telly.
"Will you get into the bathtub with me?" Well, it didn't happen like that.
It didn't happen All right then, it didn't happen like that, but tell us another version how it didn't happen.
He initially said, "I like your work on television" - Really? - It's a lie.
He I'm going to say it, he asked for a selfie.
We took a selfie, so it was very nice, I was feeling my It was very nice! It WAS nice.
Look, it's not an accident we're in this business.
On some level, we have an emptiness inside that we need to fill with the approval of strangers.
And a little bit of the approval of a stranger was making me feel a bit better about myself, thank you very much, albeit briefly, and then it turned out he had an ulterior motive.
David, I need you to act this out, because we are all talking about this like it is sensible.
But it's too intimate, unless We were clothed.
I want to know which way round.
Did you sit opposite each other with your legs? No, we both sat at the same end.
So he was spooning you? No, of course we sat at opposite ends.
Did you choose the tap end or the non-tap end? Ah! The tap was in the middle.
Right.
This is the thing, for an actual rational human being to think, "I wonder if I'll fit in this massive bath with my wife "I'll ask this minor celebrity" Elton John was in the shop, and he'd said no.
Will you do it with Rylan for me? OK, well Where am I sitting? We've got to imagine we're getting in a You're a very tall man.
God Almighty, I can see why you can't get phones and a wallet in those! As a working hypothesis, let's say this rectangle is broadly the bath.
Is there any blood going to your feet? Rylan, you're in the bath showroom.
So you sit at that end, the tap's here.
Is this what you did? You took control, David? No, I didn't take control! Them, as you can see, our legs Our legs sort of tessellated.
No, in the In between! You know what this is making me think, David? You just look at each other now, I'm picturing a voice-over saying, "There are many ways to keep a relationship fresh in your life.
"Why not try sharing a bath together?" I think well done.
Right, now then, we need an answer.
So, Lee's team, is Paul Rylan's hairdressing handyman, Mary's festive friend, or David's bath buddy? The only story that made any kind of sense whatsoever was Rylan's.
Rylan's?! Yeah, Rylan's.
I can believe that a man whose obsession is being legendarily well groomed and stylish would panic and get his plumber to do his hair.
I could just about believe that.
I've been looking at Paul while everyone has been talking, and he really did light up during David's story.
Like, he was really enjoying it, like he was a fan.
- Of David.
- Or it might be the first time he's heard it.
That's true.
That's true as well.
What about the farming? What do you about Mary? - That's the one I think is true.
- The farmer? I think that some local people would go and sing for animals at a local farm.
This is a thing to do.
I do believe that you could sing to a cow.
I believe slightly more that somebody would have their hair cut by a plumber.
However, not him.
Who did your teeth, the tiler? Go on, then, we'll say Mary.
You're going to say it's Mary? OK.
Paul, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Paul, and every Christmas Eve Yes, Paul is Mary's festive friend.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Mary.
If I have learned one thing from my many years in business, it is this - never trust a man in a floral shirt.
Right.
Lee! What is it about men with floral shirts? Well, they're trying to make a statement.
- What is that statement? - The wrong one.
They're trying to say, "Look at me, listen to me, "I'm powerful, I'm sexy".
With flowers? "I'm in touch with my feminine side.
" - Is it in business only? - Yes.
Well, because I've worked in the fashion business a lot.
All right.
Is it your day off? You started it! I wasn't talking about you, Lee, I would never do anything like that.
- I really wasn't - You said a man in a floral shirt - In business.
- In business.
- You don't do business, do you? - I do business.
- Pitch something to Mary.
OK, yeah.
Hello.
After a toaster? Say, "Invest in my company".
Will you invest in my company? I haven't sold many toasters recently.
I think it's my attitude.
Is your bread not hot enough? What do you want me say? Just make it look like you'll get your money back, 20% on every pound Do you want to buy my toaster? If you sell my toasters in your shop, I will let you - What? - Pyramid scheme.
If you were to get loads of them, you could put them in the shape of a pyramid, and maybe the Egyptians would buy them.
When you say, "If I have learnt one thing in business," are you implying that you've only learnt one thing in business? No, I've learned quite a few things.
OK, so if you've learnt two things in business, what's number two? Erm Never work with comedians.
Right, what do you think? Is she telling the truth, Lee? Well, it could be true, I suppose.
What do you think? I don't think it's true, because I don't think Mary judges people like that.
I've got nothing against his shirt.
He's a comedian, I get it.
This is men in business.
I'm in show business.
There is a difference No, there isn't.
There's no other business like show business.
There's a song about that I heard once! So do you think Mary is telling the truth? Truth or lie? - So we're saying? - I think it's a lie.
Lie.
- It's a lie.
- You're going to say it's a lie.
Mary, truth or lie? Oh, it is indeed a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Mary doesn't distrust men in floral shirts.
BUZZER Oh, and that noise signals time is up, it is the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team has won by three points to two.
Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time.
Goodnight.