Birds of a Feather (1989) s12e03 Episode Script

1 What'll I do when you are far away? And I am blue What will I do? When I'm alone With only dreams of you That won't come true What'll I do? Who you looking at? Trace! Dinner! You're smiling now.
You'll be begging for mercy in a minute.
Have you seen my sunglasses? - Yeah, nice.
- No.
I mean, where are they? Try the top of your head.
Oh.
Who were you talking to before? The pizza.
Perhaps you should get out more.
No-one goes out on a Saturday, Dor.
Saturday is the new Sunday.
Pizza.
Telly.
Bottle of wine or three.
- Fancy a bit? - No, thank you.
I've got bigger fish to fry.
Oh, you're going to the chippy? You want to try that new one.
There's a plaice for us.
Celebrities don't go to chip shops.
You ain't a celebrity, Dor.
You're an old slapper who wrote a dirty book.
So, where are you off to, then? That is for me to know and you to spend your dull, pointless little life finding out.
My life is not dull and pointless! Is it, Mr Pizza? Here you are, Trace.
Half a hot Hawaiian with extra hot.
Sorry, Shal, didn't I say? Say what? You're seeing Barry again, ain't you? Why didn't you tell me? Because when I went for a coffee with him last week, you sulked for three days.
- Because it's wrong, Trace.
Your Darryl is barely dead and buried.
It's been a long time since he was my Darryl.
And he's not buried.
He's on the book shelf.
I won't be late.
It's just a quick drink.
With a married copper.
He got divorced years ago.
So he says.
Just wish you'd said something, Trace.
I wouldn't have splashed out on a mega pizza.
If I'd known I was gonna be on my tod, I'd have made do with a jumbo.
Enjoy.
Love you.
Hi, Garth.
Fancy some pizza? No, thanks.
Trav is taking me for an Indian.
- Can't say I'm really up for it though.
- What's wrong? Well, it's it's just Dad, you know.
I can't get over how much I miss him.
Have you spoke to your mum? Nah.
She can't bring him back and I don't want to worry her.
- You ready, then, mate? - Yeah.
We would invite you along, Auntie Shal, but you're obviously set for the night.
Here's £50.
You can keep the change if you promise not to tell anyone I might be the teensiest bit laminated.
I wish you'd let me pay something towards the meal earlier.
- It wouldn't be a proper date if I let you do that.
- Didn't know it was a proper date.
Well, it could be.
- If you want.
- Argh! Two more tequilas, por favor? And can I have some more of those chorizo fritters? Ooh! Hello.
You're a good-looking chap, aren't you? That is the mirror, Dor.
Whoops.
Nice meeting you.
Here we go.
Sit down there.
Oh, time for bed.
Up we go.
You should see Dorien.
She's literally crawling up the stairs backwards.
Argh! Never mind her.
A quick drink, you said.
I thought you'd been arrested.
- Time flies when you are having fun.
- Ooh, I wouldn't know, would I? So, where did you go, then? Bingo? Bowling? Identity parade? - The Chigwell Chophouse.
- And what's that? His martial arts club? It's a gastro pub.
Used to be the Drum And Monkey.
- They've got a real wood-fired pizza oven.
- You had a pizza! It's what I fancied.
It's Barry what you fancy.
No, I don't.
I didn't even shave my legs.
Armpits? Got to do them.
I'm not French.
Darryl would turn in his urn.
And what about your boys, eh, Trace? Especially Garthy.
He's devastated.
No, he's not.
He'd tell me.
He tells me everything.
Unless he didn't want to worry you.
I know my Garthy, thank you, Sharon.
Everything all right, Garth? Yeah, sweet.
Couldn't be better, Mum.
See? I'm off to bed.
Night, Dor.
I hope you're not gonna leave all them crumbs on my work top.
Course not, m'lady.
- Where have you been? - Been to the garden centre.
- Why? You're not even interested in gardening.
- It's for Dad.
Devastated.
Aren't you a bit old for a sand pit, love? I'm gonna build a shrine.
- For Dad.
- What sort of shrine exactly? Garth and I went for an Indian last night.
It's given him an idea.
- Where did you go? - Taj Mahal.
I am not having a Taj Mahal in my garden.
Of course not, Mum.
Garth wants a permanent memorial for Dad.
- What sort of memorial? - Remember that horrible thing on top of the house? Oh, yeah, thank god we've seen the last of that.
I'm gonna build a nice, big plinth.
And I'm gonna set this on it for everyone to see.
For ever.
That's lovely, Garth.
Your dad would be really chuffed.
He would be even more chuffed to know you are getting on with your life.
If this is what Garth feels he needs to do, Tracey Come on, mate.
Get cementing.
When I want your opinion, Sharon, - I'll ask for it.
- What, so I'm not entitled to one? I am his favourite auntie.
You're his only auntie.
Yeah, whatever.
I love him as much as you do.
No, you don't.
You're not his mum.
You're nobody's mum.
So mind your own business.
Just so you know, that's not hurtful at all! This isn't about Garth.
It's about Barry.
- You're jealous.
- Me? Jealous? You've lost your marbles.
Have I? I remember how you used to cling onto his duffle bag on the back of that scooter.
- That was 40 years ago! Hello.
Anyone there? Take your glasses off, you dozy cow.
You were always the same every time I liked a bloke.
Because all the blokes you liked were wallies.
Excuse me, I still can't see.
Oh! Oh, no.
Too bright.
What did you get up to last night? Oh, god, my head.
You don't remember, do you? I know someone made me an enormous offer.
Why is it that everything you say comes out rude? I know what I need.
A new head? Since when did you read Get-A-Life? I don't.
Eugh! It's a lurid rag.
For mouth breathers and knuckle draggers.
Sharon's got a subscription.
I like the Spot The Cellulite competition.
Cheers.
Eugh! Ah! Oh, my god.
- It's all coming back.
- I'll get a bucket.
No, no, no.
Get-A-Life are launching a new online webcast thingy.
They plied me with cocktails and begged me to be their agony aunt.
But they've already got one of those.
Uncle Henry.
He's kind and caring And on remand for indecent exposure.
They need a replacement.
And they want Foxy Cohen.
- That's brilliant, Dor.
- No, no, no.
It's going live tonight and I'm supposed to be rehearsing this minute.
Ooh.
And I think I said I'd do it from my bedroom.
- Tracey is gonna love that.
- Oh.
- Yeah? - Mel Livingstone.
Get-A-Life Online.
Would you be Foxy Cohen? Do you want a slap? Dorien! Good luck with the close-ups.
Oh, no, dear, you look like a corpse.
Move further up the bed.
No, not that much.
Your face is in the Shadows now.
Your face is in the shadows now.
Best place for it.
Are you and Tracey still at loggerheads? If you mean have I still got the arse-ache with her, yes.
She's poking her nose in where it's not wanted telling me how to be a mum and who I should and shouldn't be dating.
Ah! So you are dating PC Plod.
Busted! - Grow up, Sharon.
- No, you grow up, Tracey.
- You grow up! - Please stop it! I'm trying to launch a showbiz career here.
Right.
These LED's will light up when a call comes in.
It will go through to this speaker.
So relax and talk to the camera in your normal voice.
Hello.
You're through to Foxy.
What's eating you? Do you want a cough sweet? That's fine.
Right, Foxy, I'll be back this evening.
Right.
And don't worry.
You're gonna be great.
- Yeah.
- Not like you to let a man escape with his trousers on.
I know, but I'm terrified.
All these people ringing in with their trivial working-class problems and I won't know what to say.
- You read Get-A-Life.
You've got to help me.
- Sorry, Dor.
No can do.
This mouth-breathing knuckle dragger has bigger fish to fry.
Ah, there he is now.
All right, Garthy? Yeah, ready when you are.
This is Foxy.
- Sharon.
- Harry.
You got a warrant or have I got to invite you in? - She's in the kitchen.
- Thanks.
Mine, Sharon's Mine.
Sharon's.
Sharon's.
Oh, hello.
Come to help me with the housework? I've brought you a little something.
- Really? - You dropped your lipstick in my car.
That's not mine.
It's got to be.
I've not had anyone else in there.
Only kidding.
Thank you.
Why do I get the impression that Sharon doesn't like me? - Oh, she likes you, all right.
That's the problem.
- Eh? - She doesn't like me liking you.
- Oh.
So you like me, then, eh? - Course I like you.
- Yeah, but do you like me in that way? What way is that, then? Sorry, I think I've gone a bit far there.
I've got a lot on my plate at the moment.
Yeah.
Yeah, I realise that.
I'll I'll get off, then, eh? No need for that.
Fancy a coffee? Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
What about this? Looks a little bit like Dad.
I was very fond of Darryl, Garth.
But he was no angel.
Still deserves something more than a jar on a shelf.
Yeah, course he does.
Ah.
Have a look at that.
Yeah.
That is a shame.
No, it isn't.
- I like it.
- You think? Yeah.
That explains the price.
I'll talk to the man.
Hello, you're through to Foxy.
What's eating you? Hello.
You're through to Foxy.
What's eating you? - All right, Dor? - Yeah.
Ooh, got some smart kit in here.
- I bet you're nervous though.
I'd be bricking it.
- Yeah.
- I am a little.
Could you come in for a moment? - I'm not sure I should.
No, I've seen The Graduate.
You can hardly compare me with Mrs Robinson.
Course not, she was loads younger.
Oh, Travis.
So what it is you want? Do you have any problems of a personal, sexual nature? What? No, I'm rehearsing for my programme.
Actually there is this girl I really like at school, Lotty.
No, pretend you're phoning up.
- Really? - Yeah.
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
Aren't you gonna answer it? Sorry.
Please hold, your call is important to us.
Hello, you're through to Foxy.
What's eating you? There's this girl I really like at school.
She keeps blowing hot and cold.
I know the technique.
Some days she's really nice to me and well, others she won't even lend me her memory stick.
Is that all? No wonder my electric meter is going round faster than Lewis Hamilton.
If I'd realised, I'd never have agreed to this.
But this is my future.
You can't pull the plug now.
I wouldn't do that.
Just try and keep it clean, eh? I'll do my best, but this is Get-A-Life not The Jewish Chronicle.
And I'd like to know what you are doing in here? Dorien just wanted to know if I had any problems of a sexual nature.
How dare you involve my baby with your filth! A word of advice, Tracey.
If you weren't so prudish, maybe Travis wouldn't be so repressed.
What? I wouldn't say that Travis is repressed.
I'd say he's a gentleman.
Not that you could take any credit for that.
Are you talking to Darryl? You talk to pizzas.
Where did you and Garthy get to? He wanted someone to confide in.
Someone who appreciates just how much he's missing his dad.
- And as you don't seem to think - I do actually.
- You do? - Yeah.
You were right and I was wrong.
- I'm sorry.
- Why the sudden change of heart? Barry was saying that when his dad passed away, he was devastated.
Oh, I see.
So when I suggest that Garth might need some emotional support, I'm an interfering, childless old spinster.
But when Detective Sergeant Boyfriend says exactly the same thing - I thought you'd be pleased.
- You have no idea, have you? None at all.
Mum, Dorien is on in a minute! Auntie Shal, it's about to start.
I don't want to watch it with her.
And I don't want to watch it with you.
Girls, please be quiet! We're about to go live.
Three, two one.
You're on the air.
Hello, this is Foxy Cohen.
Welcome to the first-ever Phone Foxy Webcast.
'I'm here to listen to your problems, no matter how personal or weird.
In fact, the weirder the better.
' Hello, Foxy, Due to a family feud, I'm forced to watch you in the bog.
Hello, you're through to Foxy.
- What's eating you? - 'Hello, Foxy.
I'm Lucy.
Bit nervous.
First-time caller.
' I'm a bit nervous, too.
First-time agony aunt.
'The thing is, I think my boyfriend is poking one of my girlfriends.
' I assume we're talking about Facebook? 'As Foxy sees it, either you sit indoors feeling sorry for yourself, or you get out there and poke all his friends.
' She's doing all right, isn't she? 'You're welcome, Lucy.
Now, let's go to another call.
' But um Before we take another caller um, I have a fascinating email here.
It's it's from Doreen of Chingford.
It says, "Dear Foxy, I'm an incredibly well-preserved cougar, sharing a house with two less well-preserved sisters, of whom I am quite fond.
But they have so many issues and I don't know how to help them.
One sister, let's call her Karen, is insecure, chronically work-shy, and addicted to junk food.
" Probably not addicted.
Just likes junk food.
And the other sister, let's call her Stacey, is clingy, uptight, and sexually repressed.
She probably just doesn't fling herself under every bloke who passes.
Dear Dorien, there are some people it is impossible to help.
And God knows, I've tried.
But Karen and Stacey are so stubborn and pig-headed - Hold on! She's talking about us! - Hold on! She's talking about us! I mean, you could try banging their skulls together, but as they are both hollow - How dare you! - What are you doing? - Ladies, please.
- Don't even think about it.
- Do you reckon we should go up there? - What, and miss this? What gives you the right to wash our dirty linen in public? In my house, using my electric.
Jeremy Kyle, eat your heart out.
You've no idea, have you? Because you are an only child.
Your mum took one look at you and thought, I don't want any more.
You know that sisters always fight.
- It doesn't mean anything, does it, Trace? - Course not, Shal.
You were right about Garthy.
'And I was wrong about Barry.
' - You go out with him if you want to.
- I don't.
- I told him I'm not ready.
- Well, I'd like to thank our guests for exposing their issues tonight.
'And I'm glad I was able to help them.
' 'You did actually, Dor.
' But we must move on because I can see we've got dozens of calls waiting.
Trace, if you really don't want to go out with Barry, do you mind if I have a go? Get out.
Hello, you're through to Foxy.
What's eating you? - Come on, then, Trav.
- Look, this is silly.
Where did you get this blindfold from? It's one of Dorien's.
Right, you can take it off now.
I haven't missed it, have I? Only Get-A-Life so loved my debut, they wouldn't stop plying me with champagne.
If I never see another glass Ooh, lovely.
- I really hope you like it, Mum.
- Well, go on, Trace.
Do the honours.
Well? What do you think? It's perfect.