Curb Your Enthusiasm s12e03 Episode Script

- That's a long flight, man.
- Long flight. Yeah.
Brutal.
Hey, Larry, I see you.
Keep fighting for us.
Okay. Huh? How about that?
My people showing you
fucking love, Larry.
Larry David.
Oh my God, it's Larry David.
Sorry, I'm Sienna Miller.
I can't believe I'm seeing you. I've
just been watching you on the news.
- How crazy is this, right?
- It's crazy.
Well, thank you, on behalf
of everybody who has a heart.
Hey, Larry, good job!
Anyway, I cannot believe
that I've bumped into you.
It's bashert.
- Where'd you get that from?
- Pretty good, huh?
Yeah, pretty good.
Bye, Larry.
Keep in touch.
Keep in touch? You saw that?
Sienna Miller, she was flirting
with me, was she not?
Saw that shit.
This is a once in a lifetime
opportunity,
but because of Irma,
there's nothing I can do.
It's such a waste, really.
Sienna Miller, my God.
- How's that bagel?
- Fucking great, man.
You know what?
I'm not gonna eat this.
Think I'll give it to that guy.
What do you think?
If it's in your heart, you do it.
Hey, you want a bagel?
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no!
Stop, stop!
Thanks, man.
- Fluke!
- Oh my God.
What are you doing?
What's the matter with you?
- I got fluke in three.
- Fluke? Who does that?
It's so disrespectful. It's like
sneezing in someone's face.
- You just ruined our day.
- I'm going to an AA meeting.
- This is crazy.
- You would never have gotten it.
- I would've got it.
- I had to help you with vulva.
I know vulva.
That's a great car.
- No, it's not a car.
- It's one of the safest cars.
You never would've gotten fluke.
- Hey, don't do that again.
- You never would've gotten it.
- I would've got it.
- Get over it.
- Such a shitty thing to do.
- She's something else, man.
What the hell? Come on!
I just saw your balls! They're
hanging out with those shorts!
What is that? Just swivel back.
Oh my God.
What's with those shorts?
What is it about my balls
that bother you like this?
Balls are disgusting. It's like the
elephant man under your penis.
I think the brain and the balls
are related.
If you take a magnifying glass
and you put it on your balls,
it's the same pattern as the brain.
That's why people say
you're thinking with your dick.
Every now and then
you say something so stupid,
but it actually makes sense.
- 'Course it makes sense.
- I'm getting out of here.
- Where you going at?
- You know Duane Tubman next door?
- Hell yeah, Tubman.
- His father just died.
Hey, you give him
my deepest condolences.
I feel like I should go over
and pay my respects or something.
It always helps to be on good terms
with your neighbor.
Okay. You know what?
I just got another glimpse.
Honestly, that one was on purpose!
Sorry.
So sorry. Hey.
Larry, thank you so much for coming.
Of course. Hey,
this is what neighbors do, right?
We have each other's backs.
Come on.
By the way, I was really touched
by what you did in Atlanta.
Coming from a Tubman,
I take that as a great compliment.
Okay.
Anyway, very sorry to hear
about your father.
Thank you. Well, father-in-law,
but thank you.
Really?
I thought it was your father.
No, it's Lorraine's.
- Father-in-law?
- Yeah.
That's a little better.
Well, it's my father-in-law.
lt's a loss.
Duane, of course it's a loss,
but you know, it's not your dad.
- Larry, it's a human being.
- Yeah, of course. I know that.
I'm just trying to delineate the
differences between a father
and a father-in-law.
- It's a very sad thing.
- Your dad's still alive?
- Yeah.
- There you go.
- Yeah, that's a gift.
And you know, it's like if you have
- I'm sorry, did you say a dog?
- Yeah, a dog. Say your dog dies.
That's one thing. That's terrible.
But if your friend's dog dies,
it's not quite the same.
But anyway, is your wife around?
Lorraine?
Is she here? Can I talk to her?
Maybe we just let her rest.
Will you tell her how sorry
I am about her dad?
Are you?
Because it doesn't really sound like it.
Between you and me,
my condolences aren't quite as deep
as the average person's.
I'm picking that up.
It's like people telling each other
they love them. That kind of thing.
Sorry's in that kind of category.
They're the same.
They're interchangeable, really.
Nobody means it. I love you.
Nobody means it?
Of course people mean it.
Nobody means it. But, anyway,
are you sure Lorraine's not around?
I'm positive.
Got enough food and everything?
Can I get you some bagels
and lox?
- I think we're good.
- Do you like a bagel?
There are a lot of people here,
I'm picking up on that cue. Of course.
Actually, Larry, there's one thing.
I wanted to talk to you
about the lemon tree.
- The lemon tree?
- Yeah. Along the fence.
It's back there. It's given us
so many lemons over the years.
The one that hangs over my yard.
The roots,
they're damaging my pipes,
so we got to do something
about this tree.
Don't worry about the research.
I'll look into it.
I'll get an estimate, we'll sit down,
and we'll split the cost
of the tree maintenance,
and we can keep
enjoying these lemons.
Split the cost of the tree?
Duane. I mean, you know, come on.
It's your tree. It's on your side.
- It's our tree.
- It's not our tree.
Let me get this right. So it's our tree
when you want lemons,
and it's my tree when we have
to take care of it and maintain it.
I want some lemons?
I don't want lemons.
You think I need lemons in my life?
I can go the rest of my life
without touching a lemon.
- No lemons for life.
- I put it on a piece of fish.
What're you gonna substitute
for lemons?
- A grapefruit.
- You're gonna put grapefruit on fish?
- I put grapefruits on fish.
- When?
I haven't actually put it on,
but I've thought about it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
My point is lemons
are a fungible citrus.
Just look around the room.
We've suffered a loss.
You lost your father-in-law.
I'd appreciate you stepping up
and being a neighbor
and paying for half of this tree
maintenance.
Thank you for coming out.
Had I known that it was
his father-in-law,
I never would've gone to the house
in the first place.
And this lemon thing.
By the way, you know,
he's a descendant of Harriet Tubman.
Well, you'd think his ancestors would
be ashamed of him.
No, the lemons drop.
What am I supposed to do?
- Throw 'em back over the fence?
- This person's a Tubman in name only.
Maybe he's not even a Tubman.
'Cause I can't imagine
a Tubman behaving like this.
You know the cruel irony of this,
right? You're being railroaded.
- It's nuts.
- Hello!
- Sorry we're late.
- Hi.
Susie, we have something for you.
Since you were away
- You want me to open it now?
- Are you ready?
Wait a second.
There's other presents here.
I know, but this is really important.
This'll make sense in one minute.
- I'm scared. What is it?
- Happy birthday!
Oh my God!
Isn't he the cutest thing
you've ever seen, Susie?
- He's beautiful.
- He loves you!
Beautiful.
This is the best birthday present
I've ever got. I love you two.
You're the greatest friends.
- You know, we have a present, too.
- Thank you so much.
- What is it?
- Well, look.
- A Theragun.
- What's that?
- Larry got it for you.
- Thank you, Larr.
- You ever use one of these?
- No, I haven't.
- They're good for your health.
- Good. I look forward to it.
- That's a hell of a gift, by the way.
- He's probably thirsty.
- He's been in that box.
- I'd like a Theragun.
So food good? Everybody happy?
The food is amazing, as always.
- Freddy, you're not vegan now, right?
- No, no, I like the chicken.
- You're looking fantastic.
- That's so nice of you.
It's just been a little SoulCycle,
some walking,
and I've been having a lot of sex
with my neighbor's wife.
Yes. My neighbors, the Harringtons,
Lydia and Ron.
She wants to have a baby.
Turns out Ron is not capable.
She can't get pregnant.
Blanks. Shooting blanks.
So they say, "Freddy, we would love it
if you could get Lydia pregnant."
- Get out of here.
- Hold on.
They think the baby's going to be
healthier if there's really a connection
that happens during intercourse.
- I can't even believe it.
- This gets weirder.
So I say, "Yes." They say,
"Terrific. How's tonight work?
"She's ovulating tonight."
And what they say to me is:
"Here's how it's gonna work."
They want boundaries.
Keep it kind of clinical.
But guess what happens?
What happens?
When the shit gets lit up,
there's no goddamn rules.
She comes in the door, and it's on.
And I mean, we do it at my house
on the Funk-O-Matic.
We're biting butts.
We're biting the ears.
This is fucking crazy.
It's some of the best sex
I've ever had in my life.
- And she loves her husband?
- She's 100% in love with her husband.
- Do you give her a climax?
- Well, I don't know.
- How would you not know?
- I don't ask.
Do you smell musk? The sex musk you
release is great for conception.
I release a lot of sex musk.
Don't I, Larry?
Puppy!
Where's my little boy?
I'm gonna make a toast here.
I don't mind I have a mocktail.
- Because I'm sober.
- And cheers to that.
- You want a sip?
- Very funny.
Oh my goodness.
Okay, so I decided what
we're gonna name him.
- Frankie, after Sinatra.
- That's a boy?
It's a little boy.
I got to say, for a male dog,
it looks a tad effeminate.
Oh my God. Come on.
I think you better get that dog
a pronoun.
Okay, Troy, three steps
we're going to work on.
First, rotation on the backswing.
Back to the target. Beautiful.
Okay, that's the first piece.
Second piece, same rotation,
that backswing.
Up to the top and stop. Nice.
Okay, now here's the master move,
okay?
Next piece, from there,
we go vertical drop. Okay?
Horizontal tug. Nice. Can you feel it
with the obliques there?
One more time. Up to the top.
Feel the rotation. Vertical drop.
Horizontal tug.
Hey. Can I help you?
Nah, I'm good.
I got a private lesson with Troy here.
Yeah, yeah. Go.
If you want to book a lesson,
just call the golf shop.
They'll be happy to set something up
for you.
Nah, I'm good. I'm just sitting here.
I saw the vertical drop,
horizontal tug.
There's a bench here.
I'm allowed to sit on a bench.
- It's not that kind of bench.
- What kind of bench is it?
It's not a lingering bench, okay?
lt's an aesthetic bench.
An aesthetic bench?
No. Benches are for sitting.
We're gonna get back to the lesson,
if you don't mind.
Let's try it again. The rotation.
Okay, stay in your spine angle.
Now vertical drop, horizontal tuck.
Yeah, there it is. Okay, let's try one.
Altogether, one piece.
I did Wordle again today.
I'm a Wordle wizard, man.
I did it in three tries.
That's three days in a row, man.
Wow, you're really on a good streak.
I'm on a huge streak. That's right.
All right, let's see if I can continue
my streak.
You've been unbelievable. What is this
all about? How are you doing this?
I sat on a bench this morning
and overheard a lesson.
I've had thousands of hours
of lessons.
Two minutes on that bench.
This guy changed my life.
- What kind of tips?
- Vertical drop.
Horizontal tug!
Vertical drop, horizontal tug!
Now, I've dropped before,
but I've never tugged!
- And now I'm tugging!
- Maybe I should tug.
- Can you teach me how to tug?
- I'll teach you how to tug!
- This is fantastic.
- Can I tell you something?
I think this is the happiest
I've ever been in my life!
I don't even know
who I'm looking at right now.
How is something good
happening to me?
No one on the planet would
believe that you're happy.
How is this possible?
I have better news for you.
I'm leaving you in my will.
- I'm tweaking it, and you're in it.
- Don't do that.
It's done. You're in.
I have money. I don't need it.
Give it to someone who needs it.
When I die, I want you to know
how much I cared about you.
I'm not gonna keep it.
I'm gonna give it to charity.
You're my best friend.
You're getting it.
I'm making a Shermanesque statement
about the will right now.
I'm sick of your historical references.
If nominated, I will not run.
If bequeathed, I will not accept.
- Well, I'm bequeathing.
- Well, I'm not accepting.
- Well, you'll have to accept.
- Don't give it to me!
- Don't hurt my feelings.
- I'm not gonna keep a penny of it.
- You're hurting me.
- Thank you, but I don't want it.
- I'm giving it to you anyway, pal.
- Oh my God. Fuck you!
What are you doing?
What do you mean? I'm waiting.
For what?
Troy and Jimmy
are on the fairway.
- You're never gonna hit them.
- You don't think I could hit them?
No! You've never hit the ball
that far in your life. Come on.
Really?
You're never gonna hit it that far.
What, are you nuts?
All right, shut up.
No, you shut up.
- Holy shit!
- You hit him.
- I hit him!
- Troy, you okay?
- Oh my God!
- How did you do that?
Hey! What the fuck?
- Larry!
Troy, are you okay? Slowly.
Take it easy.
Oh my God. Oh God. I'm so sorry.
What in the hell?
I don't know what happened.
I'm so sorry.
Why didn't you yell, "fore"?
I couldn't yell, "fore".
I mean, he can't hear.
And what would be the point?
I waved. I did a lot of waving.
When you talk,
the interpreter can hear you.
I know, but he was too far.
He was in the car.
We could have ran to the trees!
There was no time!
The ball was coming down!
Superman couldn't get there
in time to stop that.
Why didn't you wait?
Because the guys I was playing
with, they said, "go, go, go".
They embarrassed me. They said,
"Oh, you can never hit him."
Did you do the vertical drop,
horizontal tug?
Yeah, I did it. I did the vertical drop
and the horizontal tug.
It really worked. Look how far I hit
the ball. I couldn't even believe it.
- I'm watching you.
- Watching me? Really?
There's not much to watch.
I don't really go anywhere.
I'm home most of the time.
I'll do a crossword puzzle.
Sometimes I'll go out to dinner.
I hate my life.
You don't want to witness it.
You're a real asshole.
I am so deeply and profoundly sorry
for what happened.
I really want to make it
up to you somehow.
Let me get you a Postmates dinner.
I'll send one to your house.
Would you like that? There's some
very good restaurants on Postmates.
I'll have it delivered right
to your door. What did you do?
- Did you tell him what I just said?
- Everything.
Did you tell him about
the Postmates dinner?
You just went like this.
You didn't do anything.
- That's the sign.
- It took two seconds.
- I'm good.
- You didn't tell him.
Don't bullshit me. Why didn't you tell
him about the Postmates dinner?
That's a very nice gesture!
Deeply and profoundly sorry,
and you offer him Postmates?
You know he didn't tell him
about the Postmates!
- He told him.
- Where's my ball?
I don't know.
- You don't know?
- I don't know.
It hit him in the back right over here!
- It's up your ass, Larry!
- Where's the ball?
- You took my ball?
- Go back to the tee, hit another ball!
Two stroke penalty!
I'm gonna just drop it over here.
I'll drop it where the body was.
That's in the rules. I'm not gonna
take a penalty, I'll tell you that.
I'm not taking a penalty.
I hit the ball over here.
I hit one of the great shots of my life.
I'm playing from here.
They threw my ball away.
I got to take a drop.
- No dropping, man.
- You can't take a drop.
- They threw my ball away!
- You hit somebody!
He's okay.
Listen, I'm dropping a ball.
Not on our watch
you're dropping a ball.
I'm not going back to the tee!
- What the fuck was that?
- Holy shit.
- It sounds like a coyote.
- It is a coyote. They're killers, man.
Sounds like he's eating a dog.
Jeff, don't you live around there?
That is my house.
Oh my God!
That could be my puppy!
You know what, Larr?
I got to go home.
- What?
- That could be my dog!
- Does your neighbor have a dog?
- Yeah, there's a few dogs around.
So maybe one of your neighbors' dogs.
That sounded like a puppy.
If he's eaten, there's nothing
you can do about it.
And if he's dead, what are you gonna
do, sit Shiva?
Can't bring the dog back to life.
We're talking about a puppy.
I know, but we're on the golf
course, we're having a nice day.
- You'll see it later.
- You know he's right.
And if it's not, there's nothing to be
gained by going home. Let's just play.
You know what? You're right.
Either my puppy's dead
or it's a neighbor's dog.
Nothing you could do either way.
All right, I'll play.
- Well, I'm dropping.
- You're not dropping.
- I'm dropping.
- You are not dropping the ball!
- Fuck you! I'm dropping the ball.
- You're a cheater!
- No, you're a cheater.
- You're a cheater!
How about the drive on 15?
What about that, huh?
- Frankie!
- Look at this!
- What?
- He's alive!
Of course he's alive.
Why would he not be alive?
We're having the game of our lives,
and we hear a coyote and then a yelp.
- We heard a coyote.
- It was crazy.
We thought the coyote ate the dog!
You thought it was Frankie?
- Yeah!
- So what did you do?
What, you continued to play?
- Yeah.
- You didn't come to see if he was okay?
We just assumed that,
Dead.
And if he's dead, what can we do?
This little boy, this little beautiful,
little creature is dead,
and you continue to play? What kind
of heartless pieces of shit are you?
We thought about the puppy
and how the puppy was dead,
and we thought about golf,
and golf was there.
What could we do?
There's nothing to do.
Well, what about me? You didn't think
about how I was feeling at home
with the coyote eating my boy?
I must admit,
you didn't come into our heads.
Really? You are about as selfish
as they come.
And you, Larry, you have no heart.
You have no soul. What if I was
maimed by a coyote?
What would you do then, huh?
Would you continue playing?
Certainly, I would give you more
consideration than I gave the dog.
But ultimately,
I think I'd play through.
You know what? Get the fuck out.
You disgust me.
What do you do after
a person's dead? They're dead!
Don't ever touch this dog, think
of this dog, look at this dog!
No loss to me to not be involved
with your dog.
Don't care.
That's no punishment at all.
- Get out!
- Okay, I'll leave.
But in my defense, let me just say
there are very few people I'd leave
the golf course for if I found out
they died. Even you!
- Really?
- Well depends how I'm playing.
Coming!
- Hey, Larry.
- Hello, Duane.
Sorry to barge in but got the estimate
for the tree service.
If you got a minute,
I'd like to talk about it.
- Yeah. Come on in.
- Thanks.
So, how you feeling?
We're healing. Slowly.
Have you had any laughs at all since?
In the last 48 hours? No, not a whole
lot of laughter in the house.
Just curious. I mean,
if somebody told a joke,
do you think you have
the capacity to laugh?
I guess it would depend
on the joke, Larry.
So a funny joke could make you laugh.
And provide some temporary relief
in a very painful time.
Got it. Okay. Just curious.
So the invoice. I got the invoice
from the tree service.
They had to remove the stump too.
If we could just split that
down the middle.
Okay, come on. Duane.
- They had to remove the stump.
- 2,700?
For eating a couple of lemons a month?
And that's how much it costs
to get rid of a tree.
Duane, I got to tell you something,
okay?
This is very un-Tubman-like behavior.
That's the second time with Tubmans.
I don't know what you mean.
l don't think that your great
Aunt Harriet would condone this.
So what kind of person was she, Larry?
Well, she was the kind of person
who smuggled slaves from the South
to the North and didn't charge them.
Really?
You know what Harriet Tubman
would have done?
She would have come over to my
house with a big basket of lemons.
"Larry, darling, take as many lemons
as you'd like." I'd go,
"Harriet, they're dropping
into the yard. I don't need it."
This has been a real education
for me on my own ancestry.
This is Leon. You know Duane,
our neighbor?
- What's up, D?
- How you doing, brother?
He gets a "brother" right away, huh?
Every Black person you meet,
you say "brother" to?
You say "brother" and you give him
one of those right there.
- You too?
- Respectful nod.
- A nod is like our "aloha".
- I don't do a Jew nod.
You guys got that song
already, "Hey, Jew".
That's Hey Jude with a D.
J-U-D-E.
Anyway, Duane, let's have a neighborly
adult discussion about this.
I want to do the right thing here.
I can't possibly pay all this.
There's some charges here that
I just can't possibly go along with.
It just seems very excessive.
It's not right. It's not my tree.
I'd like to think I'm a fair man.
Am I a fair man?
- This is a fair man right here.
- l do the right thing, don't I?
What you see is what the fuck you get.
Okay, don't worry about it. I got it.
I'll see myself out.
- You mean I don't have to pay?
- No, you do not.
What the hell was that?
That was amazing.
My boy just ran out of here.
Oh my God! No, no!
There they are! He saw it!
That's why he rushed out of here!
He saw your boys!
Those withered grotesqueries
just saved me 1,350 dollars!
He lost his mind! He left!
I don't have to pay anything!
That's fucked up.
All Black balls are like this.
Thank you. And thank you!
My balls said, "You're welcome."
And he sits on the arm of the couch,
and his balls are hanging out.
And the guy got so discombobulated
and takes off.
My balls showed up
and saved the fucking day.
That reminds me.
Remember that girl Lydia,
the neighbor that I'm helping out?
She is ovulating. And the bad news,
though, is I have to go up to Shasta.
I got a mattress emergency, so I'm
not gonna be able to be in town.
But she's asking if I know anybody.
Any of you guys willing to step in
and help my neighbor out,
being there for her
for her pregnancy needs?
- Seriously?
- You're kidding.
We're on the bench
and you're sending a reliever?
You guys want to see her?
Here she is.
- Beautiful.
- Let me see that. Yeah, I'd hit that.
- She's fabulous. And I'm in.
- What do you got, three sperm?
You can have intercourse with her
for the next 15 years.
There's no way you're ever
going to impregnate her.
I'll bet you 1,000 dollars
I got more sperm than you.
You got more sperm than me?
In your dreams.
And I will bury you with my sperm.
The only problem is you can't get
someone pregnant on old-ass sperm
when it's in powdered milk form.
- I'm out, Leon.
- I'll tap that.
Leon's in. Let me get a video here.
Hold on. I'm gonna send her this.
Make it simple and make it quick.
Here we go. Ready? All right.
I'm Leon Black. You know what it is.
I'm looking forward to tapping
that ass. Hope you ready.
And if you happen to get pregnant,
that's a bonus. How about that?
Yeah, that's what's gonna happen.
All right, there you go.
Let's see what she says.
So just deliver about three
or four mattresses,
put 'em in front of the house.
That way when I wear one out,
open a new mattress,
put that shit down, too.
Yeah, you got to have a lot of runway
to land the plane. I understand.
Okay, she got back to me.
Boy, that was quick.
And she said yes
to Mr. Leon Black.
- Fuck yeah.
- Congratulations.
Hey, funny guy,
when you hit Troy with golf ball,
you didn't say "fore".
- I waved.
- Wave means what?
Hello. Goodbye.
But it doesn't mean "I'm going
to hit you with a golf ball".
But he's deaf. He can't hear.
What was I supposed to do?
And also, why you steal a lesson
from Jimmy?
I didn't steal a lesson from Jimmy.
It's because your golf is so terrible
nothing can help. Huh?
- It's kusai.
- Kusai? What is that?
Stinky.
One more mistake and you're out.
Enjoy.
Sou desu ka.
What?
Baka.
- Hey, what is this?
- What?
Look at this.
They roped off the bench.
- Because of you?
- Yeah.
"Sitting prohibited during lessons"?
What an asshole! I got roped!
You did get roped.
- Oh, do I suck.
- At least you putted out.
So sick of this game.
What a waste of time!
By the way, my will? I'm going to see
an estate attorney this week,
so you'll be covered.
You're set.
You know, it's kind of starting to dawn
on me what's going on.
What are you talking about?
You're putting me in your will 'cause
you want me to put you in my will.
- Are you out of your fucking mind?
- Is that right?
Would I be that shallow and that
manipulative and clandestine?
- Yes, you would. Yeah.
- That's bullshit.
- This is a low point.
- It never occurred to you?
Now that you mention it,
it sort of makes sense.
I'll give you the same
that you give me. How's that?
I'd say we do percentages.
And by the way, what makes you think
that I'm gonna die before you?
You're a little ragged right now.
I'm in a little better shape than you.
I'm gonna outlive you by 20 years.
My trainer is gonna move in with me.
As soon as I get home, I'm gonna hire
a nutritionist,
I'm gonna get an acupuncturist,
a masseuse.
I will not have a donut for the rest
of my life, 'cause I wanna outlive you.
You know what? Sugar.
You cocksucker. You gave away
Wordle? You fuck. That's so low.
- You deserve it.
- You sicken me.
I'm gonna be waking up at five o'clock
every morning and giving Wordle away.
You'll never do another Wordle
for the rest of your life.
I'll wake up at four every morning
and ruin it for you.
- I'll call my friend in New York!
- I'll call my friend in London!
I got a friend in Israel!
What do you think about that?
My friend lives on the equator!
So what do you feel like's been
the common miss?
I just feel like I'm using all muscle,
no technique.
I'm leading with the hips
like I'm always doing, right?
That's the worst advice ever
to keep your head down.
You got to release the head, okay?
Then the hips.
Everything comes after that,
all right?
Soften it all up,
and we're gonna take it up to the top.
And then with the head.
What are you looking at?
Unbelievable. Larry, I see you in there.
- What?
- Stealing another lesson!
I'm not stealing a lesson,
I'm using the bathroom!
Just a master of deception
and subterfuge.
I was here first! I don't even know
what you're talking about!
Yeah, you're here first 'cause
you're creeping and peeping!
You owe me two lessons.
And that's not even a lesson! What,
are you telling him to pick his head up?
Everybody says
to put their head down.
You got to release the head.
Who doesn't look at the ball,
you fucking idiot
Mr. Takahashi's going to hear
about this one.
Tell him. I don't give a shit.
Let's get out of here.
"Don't look at the ball!"
Give me a break! Moron!
Is he the cutest, Cheryl?
I had it custom made. It's open!
- He's pooping?
- His poops are gorgeous.
I mean, the most beautifully
formed poops.
Hey, Larr. What's up?
Came to use the Theragun. I injured
my groin with this new swing.
- The what?
- The Theragun. My birthday gift?
It's down right where
you left it last time.
So he's some kind of genius
or something, I'm not kidding.
- The dog has such a high IQ.
- He's a regular Einstein.
Auntie Cheryl and Uncle Ted.
He is a smart puppy.
Oh my God, this thing is fantastic.
What a relief.
Isn't that something
you should be doing in private?
I got pants on.
What are you talking about?
Frankie, what's the matter?
That's scaring him.
- Hey, shut the fuck up.
- Don't you talk to my dog that way!
But it's already getting better.
I feel it loosening up.
- All right, good for you.
- You want to try it?
- No. Get that away from me.
- You wanna try it?
You just rubbed it on your balls.
No, thank you.
Hey, an old man like you, you should
be using this. It's really good.
You know, we heard about you
on the golf course,
with the coyote and Frankie thing.
So? It's not my dog. I was playing golf.
I wanted to finish the round.
That's so selfish.
What was I gonna do, give the dog
mouth to mouth resuscitation?
Well, you could stop golfing
and make sure the dog is alive.
That's like what a human being
would do.
What am I supposed to do, go to his
funeral? I mean, I don't understand.
I think you were hoping that Frankie
was dead because you were jealous.
That's lunacy.
"I hope the dog is dead."
What do I give a shit
about a dumb little dog?
You're jealous because we gave Susie
a gift that means something to her,
and you gave that stupid
thigh jackhammer.
- I mean, really?
- Turn that off while we're talking.
Go to the bathroom and do it.
You always have to be the center
of attention, man.
Center of attention?
I don't understand.
Atlanta. Come on. Really?
You know what I think?
I think you're jealous that
I'm the one who got arrested in Atlanta
and I'm getting all this attention.
You know what?
Yeah, I am jealous.
- Yeah, I know you are.
- You know why?
I should have been the one
who was arrested
because I use it as a platform
for the good of the planet.
Use it for the good of your publicist.
He's authentic.
He cares about people.
I'm authentic.
I care about myself.
And only yourself.
There's an authenticity involved
in caring about oneself.
- Oh my God.
- Is that unbelievable?
Hey, you know what, Mr. Danson?
I got one word to say to you.
- Sugar!
- What does that mean?
I got it in two.
That's Wordle?
You gave away todays Wordle?
I didn't do it yet, you fucking
piece of shit!
You've crossed the line now, mister.
Take your crappy, mediocre gift
and get the fuck out of my house!
Cause I'm not going to use
that piece of shit.
Two, Larry. Got it in two.
I'll take my fantastic gift that just
healed an injury in one minute!
And by the way, you didn't get Wordle
in two.
- You're full of shit. Wordle in two.
- Ted is smart.
Wait, let me say goodbye
to your stupid fucking dog.
- Don't you touch that dog.
- Do not touch the dog.
My ass. You never got anything in two!
He didn't have a groin injury.
His groin's perfectly fine.
- Hey, there's no charger.
- Just go!
Let me tell you something,
and this goes for all of you.
You're gonna be injured one day,
probably pretty soon.
Don't ask to use my Theragun.
You're not getting it. Just know that.
Go!
And don't come back!
Hey. You want this?
No, no, no, don't get up!
Fore.
- One!
- Sorry.
Stop flip, flipping.
What are we gonna watch?
Let's just make a decision, you know?
- Sienna Miller.
- Who?
Sienna Miller.
There's a documentary I really want
to watch
about endangered Californian
wildlife, the San Diego fairy shrimp.
Give me five minutes. I just wanna
watch five minutes.
Two minutes. Three minutes.
My hammer toe is getting so bad.
It kind of helps, but I don't want
to have surgery at six weeks.
Got to wear a boot.
And it's time to shave my corns again.
My podiatrist, what an idiot.
Could you push that on for me?
For God's sake, protect my callus.
It's so painful.
- You must be the Harringtons.
- I'm Lydia.
- I'm Ron.
- I'm Larry.
- Larry, nice to meet you.
- Come on in, please.
- It's pretty nasty out.
- It doesn't feel like L.A.
Leon!
- Help yourself to some tea.
- Thank you.
Very kind. Thank you so much.
This is really nice of you to broker
this for us.
- Whatever I can do to help.
- Thank you.
There he is!
This is Leon.
- Hi. I'm Lydia.
- Hey, Lydia.
Hey. Ron. How are you, Leon?
That sounds sexy. I love those
one-syllable names.
Except Lydia has three syllables,
not one.
Now you're doing fucking
math right now?
- I call her Dee sometimes.
- Hey, problem fucking solved.
So you two are interested
in starting a family.
- We want to expand our family.
- We already have a little one.
- We have a small dog.
- Yeah, Mabel.
- It's like she's a person.
- She's not a person. She's a dog.
She's very much like a little person.
And what can she do
that a person does?
What Larry's saying is that a dog
cannot be a person
'cause a dog can't do what people do.
Now, people can do dog-like shit.
Like, a contortionist in the circus?
This motherfucker can bend
his body up and lick his own balls.
Do you think that motherfucker
can't lick his own nuts?
Of course he can.
- Can you excuse us for one second?
- Of course.
If you want to fuck this woman,
I suggest you shut up,
because every time you open your
mouth, you're hurting your chances.
Let me tell you something right now.
I'm the dick salesman right now, right?
My dick is on the market, okay?
Let me sell this motherfucking car.
Well, Leon, thank you
so much for doing this.
We are so excited.
And thank you for giving my dick
the opportunity to serve you.
- So we have a window here.
- I'm ovulating.
Yeah, so if you have any questions
Do you guys want a girl?
'Cause if you do,
I'ma have to start eating
a lot of mustard.
My fucking sperm is strong.
That little motherfucker gon' come out
with a mustache and bad credit.
I would be remiss if I didn't tell you
that my IQ is 152.
152?
And my mother was Miss Bensonhurst.
That's very impressive, Larry, but
your services won't be necessary.
Just FYI, I don't know if you guys ever
heard of the big Johnson community.
All right. I think we're good here.
Thank you so much, Leon.
- All right, well, so long!
- Nice meeting you.
Can I give you a little tip?
Keep those eyes closed.
Thank you. Bye.
Well, we gotta get home to Mabel,
but I have your number,
and I'll see you tomorrow. Yeah?
Give me a call.
And you get some sleep.
You're gonna need it.
Tap that ass tomorrow.
Thank you.
No masturbating.
Hey, you neither.
- No masturbating.
- Fuck is she, the cum police?
"Mr. Takahashi would like to see you
in his office tomorrow."
Shit!
You know what that means? I'm gonna
get kicked out of the club. This is it.
There's Duane.
Booker, let's go. Come on.
Motherfucker ain't even nod his head.
This fucking guy.
What's his problem?
Come in!
You are in big trouble.
I hear you no longer
the funny guy.
You are the cheap and violent guy.
First you hit Academy Award
winner Troy with golf ball.
And then, you hit him with bagel!
What do you have to say for yourself?
Okay. First of all, the night before
I didn't have a very good night's sleep.
I'm dreaming I'm in a fish tank
with a lot of little guppies around me
and goldfish,
and they're all pecking at me.
Pecking, pecking, pecking.
They weren't hurting me.
And then in the morning, I'm going,
"I wonder why I had that dream."
"Is it because I said
I don't really like salmon?"
I never said anything else about fish.
And so, I'm exhausted.
And I go to the driving range that
morning, and I'm sitting on the bench.
I'm thinking about what I'm going
to have for lunch.
I'm not gonna have fish, I know that.
Then I hear Jimmy. He's giving
a lesson. Vertical drop, horizontal tug.
Okay. Stop! No more!
What's that?
- Get out!
- Can do, Mr. T. Got it.
Go away. I don't want to see
any part of you. Go!
Arigato.
Baka.
What was that?
Was that a coyote?
Mabel? Did you hear a dog?
I didn't hear shit.