Live at The Apollo (2004) s12e03 Episode Script

1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight - Hammersmith Apollo, what's happening, people? What's happening? Excellent.
Good to be here at the Hammersmith Apollo.
Live at the Apollo.
I'm hosting this.
I'M HOSTING THIS! So, I'm back.
I don't know if you guys know this, I've been working a lot abroad.
Been in America quite a bit the last few years.
Back and forth between England and America.
At the moment, I'm in New York.
It's very similar.
New York and London are very similar.
They're similar places, they are.
New York is just a bigger, crazier .
.
filthier version.
Cos New York is filthy.
It's filth It's dirty.
It's dirty.
It's filthy.
It's a dirty, filthy .
.
gross .
.
dirty .
.
dirty city.
It's filthy, it's dirty.
It's dirty! Let me tell you how dirty it is.
I got into a staring match with a rat on the subway.
That's what I'm talking about.
You know when you see a rat? I saw this big rat.
And I was like You know you think you can scare them away? I just went, "Argh!" and the rat just went, "Huh?" I thought, "Oh, shit, my bad, my bad.
" It's filthy! It's a filthy city, which is a problem for me cos I am very OCD.
I am super OCD I'm a germ-a-phobe, big-time.
I travel a lot as a comedian, I stay in lots of different hotels and things and people always say to me, "Oh, it must be really good, staying in all these different hotels all over the world.
" No, not for me.
I travel with my own bedsheets .
.
pillow and pillowcase, special slippers that I only wear in hotel rooms cos I don't want hotel floor to contaminate my floor.
Every hotel room I stay in looks like an episode of Dexter.
I just put plastic Plastic.
Plastic.
I've seen too many of those TV shows.
You know those science shows where they go, "We went into a hotel room "and we took a swab off the mattress ".
.
and we found blood, skin, faeces "and semen from a giraffe.
" I'm like, "Oh, my God, they let giraffe check into the Hilton, this is" I touch nothing in a hotel room, nothing.
I wipe everything down.
I don't even touch the TV remote control in a hotel room.
That's right, people, I don't touch it.
I wrap it in a shower cap.
Some of you are looking at me like, "That's a good idea.
" Yes, it is! The TV remote is the filthiest part of the room.
It's filthy, it's dirty! It's dirty! I tell you why, I tell you why the remote control is the filthiest.
A very large percentage of people that stay in hotels are single men.
Let me say that again, single men! Travelling alone.
All alone.
Men alone.
Alone, all alone.
Alone.
Single men alone.
All alone.
Alone.
And what do single men do when they are all alone? Alone.
What do you do, young man, when you are all alone? You You Alone in a room with your ten chubby little fingers, all alone.
Don't look at her, look at me.
Look at me! You know what you're doing! You're watching porn, you're having a wank, that's what you're doing! I don't know about you but I do not want to become the first woman in the world to become pregnant from a remote control.
Some of you are looking at me funny.
I'm not saying I put them inside me.
But accidents do happen, accidents! I'm OCD, I'm a germ-a-phobe, I have a problem using public toilets.
I can't do it, I can't do it.
I mean, most women, we don't sit on the toilet seats anyway, do we? They're disgusting, they're gross, they're dirty! They're gross.
And now they are coming out with this thing now where they put They've got those paper toilet-seat covers.
Have you seen these things? They've got these paper toilet-seat covers you can pull out and put on the toilet seat.
But have you seen what they are made from? It is tracing paper.
Tracing paper! That stuff acts like a blotter.
You sit on that and pee, one drop of pee gets on it, it spreads all through the paper.
And you get up and you've got paper stuck to your bum.
So, we don't, we don't sit on those toilets.
What do we do, ladies? What do we do? That's right, we hover, we squat.
That's what we do.
Did you know we do that? Your girlfriend does this.
Look at me, sir, look at me.
She does this.
Every woman in the world - good thighs, good thighs, from doing this.
That's why when she wraps her legs round your neck, you can't get out.
Look at me, look at me! Squat.
You pee, straight line, sir, straight line.
None of this deviation stuff, straight line.
Straight down the middle of the bowl.
Squat, pee, wipe, flush.
That's what we do, right? Huh? Can you do this, men? Can you do this? No, only women can do this, only women, cos we are toilet ninjas.
Times have changed, though, times have changed.
You know, I'm not as young as I was.
So my aim is not what it was.
I don't know what's happened to my flaps.
Yes, I have sex flaps! I can't pee in a straight line any more.
I've recently found myself peeing down the back of my thighs.
And yesterday, I managed to pee on the woman in the next stall.
A lot of anti-immigrant feeling going on around the world right now.
I'm an immigrant to America, my mother was an immigrant from Nigeria to England, and I don't know if this is immigrant mentality, when you have kids in a different country, you're a lot more ambitious for your kids, you want your kids to do well, cos my mum was super ambitious for us.
Super ambitious.
Like, in an African family Any Africans in? Any Africans? That's just for us, white people, not you.
Just for us.
African family, you've got four choices of career.
Doctor, lawyer, engineer, disgrace to the family.
My mum picked all our jobs before we were born.
When my mum was pregnant with me, someone went up to her and went, "What are you having?" She was like, "I'm having a doctor.
" And that was it.
She picked my subjects at school.
I was going to be a doctor, got as far as A level biology and we had to cut open a rat.
Remember that? You had to cut open a rat, and I just discovered I couldn't stand the sight of blood or anything vaguely biological, so I had to switch it up.
I was like, "Mum" I had to tell my mum the doctor thing wasn't going to work out.
But it was all right, I said, "I'm going to be an engineer," and my mum was like, "Hmm, engineer, it is on the list, OK.
" And then she turns to my younger brother, "You will be the doctor!" That's how it ran in my family.
She wasn't impressed when I decided to become a comedian.
That conversation didn't go very well, cos I was an engineer, I worked as an engineer for years.
I used to work for Otis, repairing lifts.
That is what I did and my mum was proud.
"Yes, my daughter, she is an engineer.
" And then I left that and decided to become a comedian.
My mum was not impressed.
She was like, "Comedy, comedy! What the hell is comedy? "What am I going to tell my friends in Nigeria? Hey? Hey? "My daughter is a clown.
" But, luckily for me, within six months of starting comedy, I got on this talent show called The Big, Big Talent Show, hosted by Jonathan Ross.
I got on this show.
So I called my mum, I was like, "Mum, I got through to this big "talent show, it's going to be on TV, "I'm through to the quarterfinals.
" My mum was like, "Oh, yeah, that's good, very good, interesting, "very good.
"Call me when you get to the final.
"I'm not interested in this quarterfinal, semifinal rubbish.
"Call me for the final.
" So, sure enough, I got through to the final, filmed live on television, live.
Jonathan Ross is hosting and my mum comes down with her entourage cos my mum doesn't travel without a Nigerian entourage.
So I do my set, Jonathan Ross is interviewing me after my set and he sees my mum in the audience, which was not hard to spot.
It is literally, white people, white people, white people, and then a bank of African royalty, just So, Jonathan points to my mum and he goes, "Is that your mum? "Gina's mum is in the audience?" And I swear to God, my mum stood up like this "Yes, that is right, I am the reason the clown is here, "I am the reason.
"I always knew she was going to be a clown.
"When she was three, I bought her the big shoes.
" So my mum only comes out for the big shows.
She only comes out for the big shows and in fact, my mum is here tonight.
Where's my mum? Where's my mum? There's my mum over there.
She's here.
Look at her, standing up! Look at her, there she is.
All right, you can sit down now, Mum, you can sit down now, Mum.
This is my show, Mum! It's my show! It's my show! Yeah, you can sit down now, Mum.
And at that point, I think it is time to bring on the first act of the show.
Are you guys ready? This first comedian coming on is a rising star on the comedy scene.
She is hilarious.
Give it up for the very funny Ellie Taylor.
Hello, Apollo, are you well? It's amazing, this is lovely, isn't it? So, hello, my name's Ellie, I got married last year.
Thank you.
It's lovely being married.
Just been sort of spending the last 12 months getting used to it.
Remembering to call myself a Mrs, remembering not to sleep with other people.
Apparently, that one's quite important, apparently.
Don't get me wrong, right, I love my husband.
I love my husband, but I also love Weetabix.
And if somebody told me that Weetabix was the only cereal I was allowed to eat for the rest of my life Pretty sure in a few years I'd want to fuck another man.
My wedding was quite unusual, cos you might not know this about me, I'm a full-time comedian but I'm also actually a part-time professional feminist icon.
I'm in a job share with Sandi Toksvig.
Like all feminist icons, I'm obviously extremely politically knowledgeable, like, loads, babe, so, I decided to use my wedding to investigate a political issue.
And the political issue I decided to investigate was immigration.
So what I did, guys, what I did, I married an immigrant.
I know, immersive, isn't it? I'm basically Louis Theroux.
It was a bit tricky at the beginning, I was like, God, what does it eat? No, don't give it milk and bread, can't have that, oh, no, that's hedgehogs, isn't it? As you were.
Flat palm, flat palm.
Now, my immigrant, he is Australian-themed.
But they also come in other flavours, they do.
They also come, I don't know if you know this, with different outfits you can change.
Great fun.
Sometimes, I put my one in a suit.
I'm like, "Oh, smart immigrant.
" Sometimes I put him in a pair of trainers.
"Oh, casual immigrant.
" Sometimes, I put him in a job that a British person can't or won't do.
Typical bloody immigrant! Get your own, there's loads of them.
Honestly, he's probably the best accessory I've ever had, and I own a Taser.
So, no, it's really nice being married.
Cos I'm not sure about having kids right now, so it means I'm very aware of my contraception, so I've done all the research for you.
So, the pill - 99% effective.
Condoms - 99% effective.
Eating a large Indian takeaway, and then going, "Oh, look how pregnant I look!" - 100% effective.
But my view on kids actually helped me become a little bit of an internet sensation earlier this year.
There was this thing on Facebook - I don't know if you saw it - it was called the Motherhood Challenge.
So it's when mums were putting up five photos of themselves that made them proud to be a mother.
So there'll be pictures of little Ken on the beach.
Little Ken trying avocado for the first time.
Little Ken asking, "What kind of a name is Ken for a toddler?" Lovely, lovely.
Now, I do not have a problem with anyone being proud to be a parent.
I just saw a lot of this stuff, thought, "I'm going to do the opposite.
" I did the Non-Motherhood Challenge.
I posted five photos of myself that made me proud NOT to be a mother.
Four of those were pictures of me asleep.
And the fifth one was of me asleep, holding a bottle of wine.
Really, really silly, right? Whacked it up on Facebook.
Didn't really think any more about it.
For some reason, it went bananas, right? It went viral, got shared a gazillion times, went all the way round the world.
At one point, I became woman of the week on a Swahili parenting blog.
And it was really interesting, seeing the different responses I got back to it.
So the first sort of people to write on my Facebook page were women, like me, without children, saying things like, "Oh, Ellie, thanks for giving us, the childless, a voice.
" I was like, "No, worries, babes, you're welcome.
" And then I got some other replies, and I've printed them out here, so I got some replies from some mothers, so that was quite interesting.
Erm Like this lady.
We'll call her Mummy Number One.
She said, "You don't understand what it feels like to become a mother, "you fucking superficial basic bitch.
" Mummy Number One! So maternal, isn't she Then what happened is other childless women started defending me against the cross mums.
There was this lady, piped up, very angry.
We'll call her Outraged From Kent.
She said, "Why is this funny? "Don't mock the ones who choose to be parents.
Very tasteless.
" So then, an American lady came in to my rescue.
Now, see if you can work out why I think she's American.
"Jesus Christ, woman! "No-one owes you an explanation.
"Nobody has time for another butthurt mommy.
" Outraged From Kent comes back, rather sensibly, with, "What on earth is a butthurt mummy?" Nobody knows.
Nobody knows.
Then other cross mums started replying to me, but these mums were from different countries, so they were insulting me in different languages.
Don't worry, guys - Facebook translates it for us, so we didn't miss out! There was this lady from Mexico.
Now, when it says "it", I think it means "she".
"No wonder it does not have children.
"Look at its big teeth.
" Gracias, amigo Mexico.
But this is all saved, in the end, by the final group who replied to me, and they made everything better.
They were led by a man called Alessandro.
And Alessandro says, "As an Italian, I need to know, "what kind of wine is that?" Guys, you have been an absolute dream come true.
Thank you so much.
I've been Ellie Taylor.
Thank you.
Ellie Taylor! Are you guys ready for your next comedian? This next comedian coming on is hilarious.
I'm looking forward to seeing him.
He is from Australia, and he's very, very weird.
Give it up for Sam Simmons! All right! Hello, Apollo! We'll address this straight away.
I'm well aware that I look like a Super Mario brother had sex with a Spaniard at Betfred, but that's the look I'm going for tonight, people.
It gets worse, though.
Look at this.
I look like, er I look like all the faces from the children's board game Guess Who? condensed into one head.
All right, well, enough of what my head looks like on the outside.
Let's see what it looks like on the inside.
Let's go! Er, do you like bread? Yeah, bread's all right.
Do you, like, fully get into it? Not fully.
What are you talking about? What are you talking about again? Bread.
Yeah, I know bread, mate.
I know bread.
Oh, you know bread.
Well, I don't know bread, but I like toast.
I like toast.
Yeah, toast is good, eh? Yeah, I, erm, fully get into bread.
I like bread when I good.
Er New bread.
What are you talking about, mate? What are you going on about? What's going on? Bread.
Yeah, I know bread! What's going on with this disco music, man? What's with the music? Er, it's for the bread.
What do you mean, "It's for the bread"? Er, when you're putting on bread shoes.
You should have just said, "Putting on bread shoes"! Er, bread shoes.
Oh, yeah.
This one's going out to all the ladies out there who like to wear bread on their feet.
# Bread shoes # Put on your bread shoes # Put on your bread shoes, bread shoes on your feet.
Here, heads up! So, that's the vibe we're going for, ladies and gentlemen.
That's it.
It's niche.
It's niche stuff.
I'm a strong flavour.
I'm like the coriander of comedy.
Deal with it.
Hey, this is a fun thing to do.
This is a good, fun thing to do when you get poor customer service from someone.
If someone's being an arsehole to you behind the counter, and you go to get your change back, OK? Don't go like that.
Just go like that.
40% of the time, all of the time, they'll try to balance the coins on top of your hand.
And don't break eye contact.
Just like, "Yes, yes, yes!" Here's a fun thing to do next time you go to one of those shit shops like Poundland, or "POUNDland", if you're in Scotland.
Sorry, the north.
They've always got shit names.
You know those shit shops? I call them The Shit Shop back at home.
They've always got stupid names, like Price Slap and Bargain Sluts.
Anyway Go into one of those shops, and look for the most redundant item you can find.
It's not hard.
Those shops are just full of shit you do not need.
Like an oven mitt/alarm clock, you know what I mean? Wander on in, find something really ridiculous that you do not need.
Like, I went into one shop in Adelaide, and I walked in there and I found myself a ceramic reindeer standing on top of a grassy mound, with a thermometer just coming up off the side.
You know when you need to get a reindeer thermometer heaps quick? Make sure there's a few on the shelf.
Make sure there's about 20 there.
Get out of the shop, OK, once you've found your shit item.
Wander back about a week later.
Go straight in, right to the person working behind the counter, and go, "Excuse me, I wonder if you could help me.
"I'm looking for something maybe like a reindeer.
"Doesn't have to be a reindeer, mind you.
"Could be any type of ungulate or hoofed animal.
"The catch is, it's got to have "some measurement of weather attached to the side of it.
" This guy lost his mind.
He's like, "Oh, my God, I've got exactly that item!" When he brings it back, though, when he brings it back, just hold it and go, "Yeah, it's kind of like what I was looking for.
"It's just not for me, though.
" All right, guys, it's going to get weird now.
So this next piece is called Things That Shit Me.
These are things that piss me off.
Let's go.
Things that shit me - when you walk into a room, and then you forget why you walked in there in the first place.
Oh, yeah! Things that shit me - having to hug people you don't know very well.
Not you! Get in here! Things that shit me - this picture book of kittens which was first published in 1972.
Now the sad thing about this book here is, if it was first published in 1972, they're all dead now.
It's just a book of dead cats.
Dead, dead, dead.
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.
Every one of them's dead.
Dead, dead, dead.
They're all dead! Things that shit me - those people who forget to take off their bicycle helmets inside shops.
"Do you guys got croissants?" Things that shit me - really confusing television commercials.
Reliability, integrity, inspiration, synergy, refreshment.
Be who you are - The Waffle House.
Things that shit me - my impression of a little shy guy.
Stop it.
You think you're so good.
Shut up, I do not.
Stop that.
Yes, you do.
I do not.
Stop it.
You do.
You think you're so good.
I don't think I'm so good! Stop it.
You stop it.
You stop it.
You stop it first.
You stop it.
You stop it.
You little shy guy.
I'm not shy, I just get a little bit weird in front of 3,000 people I don't know.
What? Stop looking at me.
Stop that! Please stop.
Please don't stop.
Please don't stop.
Things that shit me - the fact that I can never be a gardener or a horticulturalist because if I hold up a pot-plant like this, I look like a sex pest.
What? Stop it! Things that shit me - One for you, man! It's all right.
Just let me get over there.
Just a minute.
It's all right.
I'm trying to get back here.
It's fine.
It's fine, come on.
Come on! It's fine.
Come on, now.
It's all right, it's all right.
Get in there! Just get in! It's not real! Things that shit me - me.
Thank you very much, Apollo! Thank you! Sam Simmons! Gina, I've got too much stuff to pick up.
I've got too much stuff.
Just get your stuff, Sam.
Take that massive cock with you.
Yeah.
Take it.
You do know that's Just in case you were wondering.
Sam Simmons! Thank you! You guys have been fantastic tonight.
You've seen myself, Gina Yashere, you've seen Ellie Taylor, and Sam Simmons.
Thanks for coming to Live At The Apollo.
Goodnight.
Thank you.
Goodnight.