Red Dwarf s12e03 Episode Script
Timewave
1 [THEME MUSIC.]
As we stand here this morning, in an unknown galaxy, on the outer reaches of the solar system, and I claim this planetoid, rich in helium seven, on behalf of the Jupiter Mining Corporation, it is only fitting we remember the generations that came before us.
It is to their memory, their greatness, their infinite, glorious accomplishments, that I humbly name this moon Rimmer.
In the same spirit of benevolence, I've also graciously agreed to lend my name to the star this moon orbits, which from this moment on shall be known as Sunny Rim.
Gentlemen, to Rimmer, a moon rich in helium seven, the most valuable gas in the universe.
To Rimmer so full of gas.
- [INTERCOM BEEPS.]
- KRYTEN: Sirs, there appears to be some kind of solar storm coming in from the west.
You should engage skedaddle mode.
But the helium seven, we need to mine it.
- [INTERCOM STATIC.]
- There's no time, sir! But helium seven's incredibly scarce.
It's rarer than an un-groped bottom at the BBC in the 1970s.
It's worth a fortune.
If we ever get back to Earth, in the 23rd century, I'll get a finders' fee.
One hour.
That's all I'm asking.
But can't you see? If you're hanging around here when that storm's bringing, gonna get wiped! I'm begging you! Stay! I'll still be rich beyond my wildest dreams just with this! Don't worry.
I won't change.
That's the tragedy of it.
Check this.
That's no solar storm.
What the hell is it? Looks like a big wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing, and it's heading straight for us! I want a full space corps-verified diagnostic on that thing.
- Already printing, sir.
- Well, what is it? It says, "It's a big wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing, and it's heading straight for us!" - Here it comes! - [WHOOSHING.]
Woo! What the hell just happened? People have had acid trips that have made more sense than that.
I've had directions from drunken Scotsmen that have made more sense than that.
Any theories? I believe the ship may have been hit by a temporal wash from a time wave, sir.
It's been what, by a what, from a what? Well, much as a tsunami is caused by a large displacement of water in the sea bed, a time wave is created by an imploding black hole, causing space-time to contort into a series of waves.
Much as a what, causes a what, into a series of whats? Now, when the wave moves forward, artefacts from the past can be washed up into the present, and when the wave withdraws, artefacts from the present can be swept back into the past.
Sounds like a free ride out of here.
Show me where to stand.
Ah, Sir, whoever is hit is likely to be swept into an uninhabitable part of deep space.
Quick, show him where to stand! We've got to avoid this wave at all costs.
- How long before the next one? - Impossible to predict.
So what do we do if this wave shows up? We'll have to outrun it.
Well maybe if we lost some weight and jettisoned some unnecessary cargo? Go stand in the airlock and leave the rest to me.
Wait, check this in vector four.
There's a ship just shown up on the scans.
The SS Enconium.
They're from 24th-century Earth, and their ship possesses a faster than light drive.
Something's wrong.
They're locked onto a crash course straight into the heart of Planet Rimmer! Are you serious? That's terrible.
Is Planet Rimmer gonna be okay?! The impact is likely to cause an explosion, which could well ignite the helium seven.
And kill Planet Rimmer? And kill everything in this vicinity.
Including Planet Rimmer? Including everything! We need to board that ship and stop it crashing.
And save Planet Rimmer.
Save the crew.
And Planet Rimmer.
This mechanoid is reversing.
[BEEPING.]
This mechanoid is reversing.
[BEEPING.]
How long before we dock, Krytes? Well, in just thirty minutes, sir.
So I thought now might be a good time to share the Intel I've uncovered on the Enconium.
It appears they have some rather strange laws.
Strange how? Well, on their ship, criticism is illegal.
[DOOR SLIDES OPEN.]
A ship free of criticism, what a place that must be.
A world where no-one is blamed or rebuked, and no-one gets mocked or ridiculed.
That's what they say, but they'll never hold out after they meet you.
If you screw up and no-one tells ya, what good's that? That's easy for you to say, Lister, but how would you feel if you were ridiculed every day, wedgied every night, and sometimes even had your head shoved down the toilet and the chain pulled? But we've stopped doing that now.
Six years old, my parents had to send me to a different prep school so I could get my confidence back.
Games weren't competitive at Saint Trembles.
So what did you do on sports day? Sports day, 100 metres, you could run in any direction you wanted, or paint a picture, or stay at home and watch TV.
And everyone got a "You're Really Special" trophy and a party bag.
Rimmer, you've gotta roll with it.
You get knocked down, you get back up again, and you slug it out.
If I'd have got upset with every bit of criticism I ever got, where do you think I'd be now? Not single, not podgy, and probably not doomed to roam deep space with a terrible haircut! Sirs! Please.
When the board the Enconium, we must remember to respect their laws and not criticise each other.
- How long we gotta hold out? - Just an hour, sir.
A whole hour? In that case, you better pack earplugs and six rolls of duct tape.
I wonder why the Enconium made criticism illegal? Well, according to their data banks, they believe when people criticise, they feel esteem-inflating superiority, which causes the pleasure chemical dopamine to be released in the brain.
And dopamine's bad? Too much dopamine is like taking cocaine, sir.
It over-excites the receptors between brain cells, causing hyperactivity and engorged self-worth.
So people who criticise get high on criticism? It seems they become addicted, needing to criticise more and more to produce the same original high.
This explains so much! Junkie! But criticism can be good, can't it? I mean, it forces people to become better.
Well, not always, sir.
I mean, take you.
What about me? Well, as a guitarist, you've been criticised, belittled, decried, vilified, panned, and slammed your whole life! And your point is? You still utterly suck, sir! No, I don't! I mean, okay, fair play, back in the day, I was a bit of a tone deaf plucker.
But I took that criticism on board, and dedicated myself to getting better.
And now ha! So long plucker, hello, Davey Three Chords! "Joureny to the Stars".
Ah, look at that one.
Have they got little kids on board, as well? "By First Lieutenant Edward Moore, age 34 and a half.
" So everything these guys do, no matter how garbage, - gets to go on the wall? - Just like at Saint Trembles.
And the Tate Modern.
The frames aren't even straight.
I hate that.
Hey guys, check this.
howl at the moon! You will learn that we are all part of the tree of life.
And on the tree, you are a fruit! I am fruit, a lovely fruit, let me play the flute! Let me remind you gentlemen, that what we're all thinking right now is illegal here.
ZIGGY: My friends! Uh, duct tape on standby, sirs.
Welcome to our ship.
Now, my name is Ziggy Briceman.
Apologies for not returning your handshake, but our communication system is being repaired, and the hairdressers who are carrying out the work haven't quite determined what's wrong yet.
Oh, also our lifts are being serviced by the catering department, so therefore; to the stairs! Wouldn't it be better if your lifts were serviced by the lift service people? 0h, unfortunately they're all too busy working at the hospital, trying to figure out why no-one's getting better.
This way, my friends.
I don't know if you're aware, but you've been washed up three million years into deep space, and you're on a crash course straight into a helium seven moon.
I love your accent! It is cuter than a kitten with a toilet roll.
Now, let me take you along to our diner, and then I'm going to hunt down our Captain, okay? This way! What the hell's he doing? At best guess, the Enconium crew are encouraged to express themselves without fear of scorn or ridicule.
Ha, bring back scorn and ridicule, that's what I say.
Sir, please.
Didn't we talk about respecting other cultures? When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
Hey bud, you should stick around, the Om Song could go platinum here.
I love the atmosphere, it's so relaxing.
No-one cares if you're right or wrong, good or bad, maybe they're onto something.
I mean, take me back in the day I mis-repaired a drive plate and killed over a thousand people.
Now, in our culture, that sort of thing is really frowned upon.
But here, you just move on.
Ah! Here's your coffee, sir.
- Be careful, it's very, very hot.
- Ahh! Ooh! Whoops-a-daisy.
She's just broiled my love spuds and doesn't even say sorry.
She's moved on.
Look at the state of me.
Okay.
Here we are.
I have one processed sausage with sprouts in a radish jus, and one warm goat salad.
We didn't order any food.
And we haven't ordered any drinks.
Though I wouldn't mind ordering a fresh pair of testicles 'cause these two are ruined.
Are you criticising me? No, no, no he's not criticising you, I am.
This food looks gross.
Critics! Help! Let's get out of here.
Easter Island head's right, let's scoot while we still can.
Yeah, come on.
Back to Starbug.
Nothing works here, especially the people! [PHONE RINGING.]
Good evening, sir.
Evening, officer.
Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir? No.
No, haven't got a clue.
No.
Been doing any criticising this evening, sir? Criticising? No, not at all, no.
Well, it's just that we had a report of some illegal castigation in the diner this evening, sir.
What about you lads? - You been doing any criticising this evening? - ALL: No, no.
A little bit of chiding, perhaps? Chiding, no.
- How about blaming, sir? - No.
- Harping? Little bit of panning? - No.
- Not even scoffing? - Nothing.
Wouldn't mind blowing into this criticiser for me, then, will you sir? You what? Go on, blow as hard as you can.
[BEEPING INTENSIFYING.]
[WARNING ALARM.]
You got a readin' of 95, sir.
Is that good? Bad? What does that mean? It means that your friend is way over the criticism limit, sir.
I may have to take him down to the station.
Now wait a minute! - You telling me to wait, sir? - Well, yes.
Implying that I am going too fast and therefore criticising me? - Look - Are you telling me to look?! Insinuating that my attention isn't focused in the correct direction? - Therefore implying that my focus - I am not criticising you, okay? Look, we're here to warn you that your ship is on a collision course with a very important moon called Planet Rimmer.
I'm gonna let you off with a caution.
Caution?! How dumb is this guy? Hey! Lieutenant Asshole, If you don't move your dumb-ass spaceship, we're gonna be flatter than your wife's droopy-ass titties, capisce? - [BLASTER SOUNDS.]
- [CAT SCREAMS.]
[BLASTER SOUNDS AGAIN.]
[THUD.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[DRUM BEATS.]
- [DRUM ROLL.]
- [CELL DOOR CREAKS.]
- [CELL DOOR SLAMS AND LOCKS.]
- [DRUM ROLLS CONTINUE.]
[DRUM ROLLS AGAIN.]
Wait a minute! Why have you taken his straight-jacket off?! While he's in here, he's not a danger to anyone, is he? Well, he is to us.
No-one cares about you.
Don't talk to him.
Don't make eye contact, pretend he's not here.
All right, mate.
How you doin'? I've been better.
I'll tell you that.
- How long you in for? - Life.
What for? Tutting.
Tutting? They drove me to it! [SCOFFS.]
I'm in the queue.
In the canteen queuing.
Finally, I get to the front, my turn to get served.
And they say, "Sorry love, we've just closed.
" So I go [HE TUTS.]
You just went "tut", and you got life?! I just called that cop "Lieutenant Asshole" so what am I gonna get?! It don't bare thinkin' about.
- They'll probably drain you! - What's that? Not that I'm implying there's anything wrong with draining.
It's probably really lovely.
What the hell are we gonna do?! We gotta get out of here, get to the engine room, and get this ship off the crash course.
- And save Planet Rimmer.
- And save us! Uh, sir, may I borrow one of your boots? Kryten, my boots can't cause diversions like they used to.
He wears Odour Eaters now.
I'm looking for a soil sample, sir, from that moon this morning The helium seven? which I can then fuse with the deuterium I have in my isotope sample store in my arm, and create a small, contained explosion.
Why do you collect isotope samples and keep them in your arm? Well, why do you collect miniature Napoleonic soldiers and keep them in your locker? You're weird.
I'm weird? At least my isotope collection could come in useful.
Next time we're in a jam and one of your Sixth Regiment trumpeters saves us, I'll eat my crevice brush.
There.
Excellent - [BEEP.]
- [EXPLOSION.]
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
Here, boys, take me with you! I promise I'm no danger to the outside world any more.
I'll never tut again.
[BLASTERS CLICK ENGAGED.]
[HE TUTS.]
[CHAINS CLINKING.]
Where are you taking us? Taking you to where all the worst criticisers go.
The backseat drivers, they're all there.
Surely you can see society without criticism is utterly You don't know what it was like before.
Ship was a shambles.
Everyone arguing, constantly choosing new captains.
So they brought in the anti-criticism law to make people more tolerant.
But any smegger can see that society can't function like that Yeah, but once they outlawed criticism, nobody could criticise the criticism law because it was illegal to criticise! Idiots.
[HE GROANS.]
I just criticised something, didn't I? Oh, God, I've not done that for ages, that felt good! Oh! Criticising's great, isn't it?! Gives ya a real lift! I don't like your shoes, by the way.
Ah! What's the story with his head? Looks like something from that TV show, "When Circumcisions Go Wrong"! Look, you've gotta help us.
If you don't get your ship off this crash course, we're all dead.
Well, the bridge is that way.
I'll pretend you escaped.
Won't you get in trouble? How? Nobody can criticise you here.
Now get going before somebody comes.
Oh, and by the way, you are way too old to be wearing leather pants.
Nobody move! Please.
Did you help them? Did you betray us, did you? Yeah, I did, Ziggy.
I betrayed this badge.
I made this uniform, quite frankly an object of ridicule.
Well there is no shame in making mistakes, officer.
You may go.
To our visitors we need to drain them.
Now, we are going to drain you of all your critical faculties by removing your inner critic; that little voice in your head that stops you achieving your full potential.
Now you will no longer turn down opportunities for fear of failure or humiliation.
You will only feel love for all things.
They're gonna turn us into hippies.
I'm gonna wind up like that crazy guy on the flute.
Oh, that was Derek.
He used to be a theatre critic.
Oh, he's come so far.
- Look.
- [BEEP.]
[WHOOSHING.]
- That's his inner critic.
- Oh, my God! What's he turned into without me?! Whatever it is, he's useless! He'll fail! He's talentless! [WHOOSHING.]
Leave this to me.
As Stand-in Senior Acting Commanding Officer of the J.
M.
C.
mining ship Red Dwarf, and protected as I am, under Space Corps directive 381-286, Kryten shut up, I demand that you release us all immediately, or at least one of us, as a gesture of goodwill, for which I'd like to volunteer.
My friend, you have nothing to fear.
Your happiness awaits, and you shall be the first.
Let's bottle your inner critic.
[CLICKING THEN ZAPPING.]
Now, let your critical observations flow forth.
You mean I could end up loving my parents, and admiring my brothers? You'll have nothing to remain dead for! Resist, sir.
Resist! If they remove your inner critic, you'll be changed forever.
Changed forever?! Listen to him! My parents were lovely, wise, thoughtful, and supportive.
Argh! Aww! I achieved all my dreams, - and I'm admired and respected.
- Don't fight it.
Think of your childhood, were you're happy? I was so happy! I can't hold out much longer! - [ZAPPING INTENSIFIES.]
- Argh! My brother, Howard, was an utter bastard! [MACHINE BANGS.]
As for my parents and the schools they sent me to, the exams I've failed, and the support I never got, and why Yvonne McGruder never wanted to go on a second date with me, and my sex life was an absolute shambles; ever since that day at school - my brother gave me sex advice, - [MACHINE CONTINUES BANGING.]
he said the most important thing was the clitoris, and I thought what he said was, "The most important thing was to spit on her wrist!" Oh, the looks I used to get.
Wait slow down.
You you're criticising faster than the extractor can cope.
I've hardly started! Oh, you your inner critic's too powerful! The the extractor can't process it.
Well, why can't it process it?! Cheap, damned, Minervan, negative-energy, inner critic bottling machines! Will ya stop criticising! - [VIOLENT EXPLOSIONS.]
- Ooh! - [SPARKING.]
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
[ZAPPING AND WHOOSHING.]
What the hell's that?! [ECHOING.]
I'm Rimmer's inner critic, I'm the voice inside his head that reminds him he's an idle, good-for-nothing, under-achieving idiot, who surrounds himself with cretins to mask his own inadequacies.
He hangs 'round with other guys, besides us? Tell it to go away.
Tell it to leave me alone.
You need me.
I protect you.
Remember the school talent contest? Twelve years old; you wanted to Morris dance in front of the entire school.
And you made me chicken out.
We'd have been humiliated! Same with all those women I wanted ask out on dates, you claimed where out of my league.
Of course I did.
Ann Marie was a solid four out of ten.
We're lucky to get threes! I hate you.
You've never let me take any risks, ever! I stop you from making a fool of yourself.
But he's always making a fool of himself.
Yeah.
He is always making a fool of himself.
So hang on, you're not doing a very good job, are ya? You can't criticise me.
I'm his inner critic! Where were you when Rimmer was fixing that drive plate, - wiped out the crew? - No-one criticises me! Why didn't you tell him he wasn't up to it? I mean, aren't you supposed to protect him? - Well, yes, I suppose I - So, you failed.
Well that's not fair.
I possibly didn't achieve all the goals I set out to.
You're right.
It failed! That's a bit strong, I didn't fully succeed.
- It failed.
- Failed? - I can't believe you just said that, - It failed.
- That's really horrible.
- It failed! - [WHOOSHING.]
- Oh! - Is it dead? - Just wounded.
It'll be back one day.
Trust me.
- [ZAPPING.]
- Oof! You achieved a positive end by using criticism to vanquish a foe! Because you can't tar all criticism with one brush.
Yes, I see that now.
Perhaps our philosophy is flawed.
Are you criticising your own philosophy? I suppose I am.
Wait! Call together all the members of the high chamber.
And warn them that I've repealed the law against criticism.
From this moment on, everybody can criticise without fear of penalty.
Release them! [POWERS DOWN.]
What about Planet Rimmer? The ship is on a crash descent course and your engineering department don't know what the hell they're doing! We need to get to the engine room.
No need.
I'll request our engineers simply return to their jobs, and then we'll be out of here in a brief contraction of forward space.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
I've been racking my brains as to how I could thank you for showing me a new way to live.
Now my first thought was, We could upgrade your mech.
Then I thought No.
No, it's not special enough.
Then I thought, we could upgrade Red Dwarf's engine, Uh, make it FTL? But again I thought No, it's not special enough.
I wanted to give you something that would truly show you the depth of my gratitude.
For you.
It's my finest work.
Look, don't take this the wrong way, but, erm it's not that good, to be honest.
I repeal the law! - Critics! I need help here.
- [ALARM SOUNDS.]
Drain them! Drain them all!!! It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere I'm all alone, more or less Let me fly far away from here Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose Drinking fresh mango juice Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun.
Yeah!
As we stand here this morning, in an unknown galaxy, on the outer reaches of the solar system, and I claim this planetoid, rich in helium seven, on behalf of the Jupiter Mining Corporation, it is only fitting we remember the generations that came before us.
It is to their memory, their greatness, their infinite, glorious accomplishments, that I humbly name this moon Rimmer.
In the same spirit of benevolence, I've also graciously agreed to lend my name to the star this moon orbits, which from this moment on shall be known as Sunny Rim.
Gentlemen, to Rimmer, a moon rich in helium seven, the most valuable gas in the universe.
To Rimmer so full of gas.
- [INTERCOM BEEPS.]
- KRYTEN: Sirs, there appears to be some kind of solar storm coming in from the west.
You should engage skedaddle mode.
But the helium seven, we need to mine it.
- [INTERCOM STATIC.]
- There's no time, sir! But helium seven's incredibly scarce.
It's rarer than an un-groped bottom at the BBC in the 1970s.
It's worth a fortune.
If we ever get back to Earth, in the 23rd century, I'll get a finders' fee.
One hour.
That's all I'm asking.
But can't you see? If you're hanging around here when that storm's bringing, gonna get wiped! I'm begging you! Stay! I'll still be rich beyond my wildest dreams just with this! Don't worry.
I won't change.
That's the tragedy of it.
Check this.
That's no solar storm.
What the hell is it? Looks like a big wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing, and it's heading straight for us! I want a full space corps-verified diagnostic on that thing.
- Already printing, sir.
- Well, what is it? It says, "It's a big wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing, and it's heading straight for us!" - Here it comes! - [WHOOSHING.]
Woo! What the hell just happened? People have had acid trips that have made more sense than that.
I've had directions from drunken Scotsmen that have made more sense than that.
Any theories? I believe the ship may have been hit by a temporal wash from a time wave, sir.
It's been what, by a what, from a what? Well, much as a tsunami is caused by a large displacement of water in the sea bed, a time wave is created by an imploding black hole, causing space-time to contort into a series of waves.
Much as a what, causes a what, into a series of whats? Now, when the wave moves forward, artefacts from the past can be washed up into the present, and when the wave withdraws, artefacts from the present can be swept back into the past.
Sounds like a free ride out of here.
Show me where to stand.
Ah, Sir, whoever is hit is likely to be swept into an uninhabitable part of deep space.
Quick, show him where to stand! We've got to avoid this wave at all costs.
- How long before the next one? - Impossible to predict.
So what do we do if this wave shows up? We'll have to outrun it.
Well maybe if we lost some weight and jettisoned some unnecessary cargo? Go stand in the airlock and leave the rest to me.
Wait, check this in vector four.
There's a ship just shown up on the scans.
The SS Enconium.
They're from 24th-century Earth, and their ship possesses a faster than light drive.
Something's wrong.
They're locked onto a crash course straight into the heart of Planet Rimmer! Are you serious? That's terrible.
Is Planet Rimmer gonna be okay?! The impact is likely to cause an explosion, which could well ignite the helium seven.
And kill Planet Rimmer? And kill everything in this vicinity.
Including Planet Rimmer? Including everything! We need to board that ship and stop it crashing.
And save Planet Rimmer.
Save the crew.
And Planet Rimmer.
This mechanoid is reversing.
[BEEPING.]
This mechanoid is reversing.
[BEEPING.]
How long before we dock, Krytes? Well, in just thirty minutes, sir.
So I thought now might be a good time to share the Intel I've uncovered on the Enconium.
It appears they have some rather strange laws.
Strange how? Well, on their ship, criticism is illegal.
[DOOR SLIDES OPEN.]
A ship free of criticism, what a place that must be.
A world where no-one is blamed or rebuked, and no-one gets mocked or ridiculed.
That's what they say, but they'll never hold out after they meet you.
If you screw up and no-one tells ya, what good's that? That's easy for you to say, Lister, but how would you feel if you were ridiculed every day, wedgied every night, and sometimes even had your head shoved down the toilet and the chain pulled? But we've stopped doing that now.
Six years old, my parents had to send me to a different prep school so I could get my confidence back.
Games weren't competitive at Saint Trembles.
So what did you do on sports day? Sports day, 100 metres, you could run in any direction you wanted, or paint a picture, or stay at home and watch TV.
And everyone got a "You're Really Special" trophy and a party bag.
Rimmer, you've gotta roll with it.
You get knocked down, you get back up again, and you slug it out.
If I'd have got upset with every bit of criticism I ever got, where do you think I'd be now? Not single, not podgy, and probably not doomed to roam deep space with a terrible haircut! Sirs! Please.
When the board the Enconium, we must remember to respect their laws and not criticise each other.
- How long we gotta hold out? - Just an hour, sir.
A whole hour? In that case, you better pack earplugs and six rolls of duct tape.
I wonder why the Enconium made criticism illegal? Well, according to their data banks, they believe when people criticise, they feel esteem-inflating superiority, which causes the pleasure chemical dopamine to be released in the brain.
And dopamine's bad? Too much dopamine is like taking cocaine, sir.
It over-excites the receptors between brain cells, causing hyperactivity and engorged self-worth.
So people who criticise get high on criticism? It seems they become addicted, needing to criticise more and more to produce the same original high.
This explains so much! Junkie! But criticism can be good, can't it? I mean, it forces people to become better.
Well, not always, sir.
I mean, take you.
What about me? Well, as a guitarist, you've been criticised, belittled, decried, vilified, panned, and slammed your whole life! And your point is? You still utterly suck, sir! No, I don't! I mean, okay, fair play, back in the day, I was a bit of a tone deaf plucker.
But I took that criticism on board, and dedicated myself to getting better.
And now ha! So long plucker, hello, Davey Three Chords! "Joureny to the Stars".
Ah, look at that one.
Have they got little kids on board, as well? "By First Lieutenant Edward Moore, age 34 and a half.
" So everything these guys do, no matter how garbage, - gets to go on the wall? - Just like at Saint Trembles.
And the Tate Modern.
The frames aren't even straight.
I hate that.
Hey guys, check this.
howl at the moon! You will learn that we are all part of the tree of life.
And on the tree, you are a fruit! I am fruit, a lovely fruit, let me play the flute! Let me remind you gentlemen, that what we're all thinking right now is illegal here.
ZIGGY: My friends! Uh, duct tape on standby, sirs.
Welcome to our ship.
Now, my name is Ziggy Briceman.
Apologies for not returning your handshake, but our communication system is being repaired, and the hairdressers who are carrying out the work haven't quite determined what's wrong yet.
Oh, also our lifts are being serviced by the catering department, so therefore; to the stairs! Wouldn't it be better if your lifts were serviced by the lift service people? 0h, unfortunately they're all too busy working at the hospital, trying to figure out why no-one's getting better.
This way, my friends.
I don't know if you're aware, but you've been washed up three million years into deep space, and you're on a crash course straight into a helium seven moon.
I love your accent! It is cuter than a kitten with a toilet roll.
Now, let me take you along to our diner, and then I'm going to hunt down our Captain, okay? This way! What the hell's he doing? At best guess, the Enconium crew are encouraged to express themselves without fear of scorn or ridicule.
Ha, bring back scorn and ridicule, that's what I say.
Sir, please.
Didn't we talk about respecting other cultures? When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
Hey bud, you should stick around, the Om Song could go platinum here.
I love the atmosphere, it's so relaxing.
No-one cares if you're right or wrong, good or bad, maybe they're onto something.
I mean, take me back in the day I mis-repaired a drive plate and killed over a thousand people.
Now, in our culture, that sort of thing is really frowned upon.
But here, you just move on.
Ah! Here's your coffee, sir.
- Be careful, it's very, very hot.
- Ahh! Ooh! Whoops-a-daisy.
She's just broiled my love spuds and doesn't even say sorry.
She's moved on.
Look at the state of me.
Okay.
Here we are.
I have one processed sausage with sprouts in a radish jus, and one warm goat salad.
We didn't order any food.
And we haven't ordered any drinks.
Though I wouldn't mind ordering a fresh pair of testicles 'cause these two are ruined.
Are you criticising me? No, no, no he's not criticising you, I am.
This food looks gross.
Critics! Help! Let's get out of here.
Easter Island head's right, let's scoot while we still can.
Yeah, come on.
Back to Starbug.
Nothing works here, especially the people! [PHONE RINGING.]
Good evening, sir.
Evening, officer.
Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir? No.
No, haven't got a clue.
No.
Been doing any criticising this evening, sir? Criticising? No, not at all, no.
Well, it's just that we had a report of some illegal castigation in the diner this evening, sir.
What about you lads? - You been doing any criticising this evening? - ALL: No, no.
A little bit of chiding, perhaps? Chiding, no.
- How about blaming, sir? - No.
- Harping? Little bit of panning? - No.
- Not even scoffing? - Nothing.
Wouldn't mind blowing into this criticiser for me, then, will you sir? You what? Go on, blow as hard as you can.
[BEEPING INTENSIFYING.]
[WARNING ALARM.]
You got a readin' of 95, sir.
Is that good? Bad? What does that mean? It means that your friend is way over the criticism limit, sir.
I may have to take him down to the station.
Now wait a minute! - You telling me to wait, sir? - Well, yes.
Implying that I am going too fast and therefore criticising me? - Look - Are you telling me to look?! Insinuating that my attention isn't focused in the correct direction? - Therefore implying that my focus - I am not criticising you, okay? Look, we're here to warn you that your ship is on a collision course with a very important moon called Planet Rimmer.
I'm gonna let you off with a caution.
Caution?! How dumb is this guy? Hey! Lieutenant Asshole, If you don't move your dumb-ass spaceship, we're gonna be flatter than your wife's droopy-ass titties, capisce? - [BLASTER SOUNDS.]
- [CAT SCREAMS.]
[BLASTER SOUNDS AGAIN.]
[THUD.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[DRUM BEATS.]
- [DRUM ROLL.]
- [CELL DOOR CREAKS.]
- [CELL DOOR SLAMS AND LOCKS.]
- [DRUM ROLLS CONTINUE.]
[DRUM ROLLS AGAIN.]
Wait a minute! Why have you taken his straight-jacket off?! While he's in here, he's not a danger to anyone, is he? Well, he is to us.
No-one cares about you.
Don't talk to him.
Don't make eye contact, pretend he's not here.
All right, mate.
How you doin'? I've been better.
I'll tell you that.
- How long you in for? - Life.
What for? Tutting.
Tutting? They drove me to it! [SCOFFS.]
I'm in the queue.
In the canteen queuing.
Finally, I get to the front, my turn to get served.
And they say, "Sorry love, we've just closed.
" So I go [HE TUTS.]
You just went "tut", and you got life?! I just called that cop "Lieutenant Asshole" so what am I gonna get?! It don't bare thinkin' about.
- They'll probably drain you! - What's that? Not that I'm implying there's anything wrong with draining.
It's probably really lovely.
What the hell are we gonna do?! We gotta get out of here, get to the engine room, and get this ship off the crash course.
- And save Planet Rimmer.
- And save us! Uh, sir, may I borrow one of your boots? Kryten, my boots can't cause diversions like they used to.
He wears Odour Eaters now.
I'm looking for a soil sample, sir, from that moon this morning The helium seven? which I can then fuse with the deuterium I have in my isotope sample store in my arm, and create a small, contained explosion.
Why do you collect isotope samples and keep them in your arm? Well, why do you collect miniature Napoleonic soldiers and keep them in your locker? You're weird.
I'm weird? At least my isotope collection could come in useful.
Next time we're in a jam and one of your Sixth Regiment trumpeters saves us, I'll eat my crevice brush.
There.
Excellent - [BEEP.]
- [EXPLOSION.]
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
Here, boys, take me with you! I promise I'm no danger to the outside world any more.
I'll never tut again.
[BLASTERS CLICK ENGAGED.]
[HE TUTS.]
[CHAINS CLINKING.]
Where are you taking us? Taking you to where all the worst criticisers go.
The backseat drivers, they're all there.
Surely you can see society without criticism is utterly You don't know what it was like before.
Ship was a shambles.
Everyone arguing, constantly choosing new captains.
So they brought in the anti-criticism law to make people more tolerant.
But any smegger can see that society can't function like that Yeah, but once they outlawed criticism, nobody could criticise the criticism law because it was illegal to criticise! Idiots.
[HE GROANS.]
I just criticised something, didn't I? Oh, God, I've not done that for ages, that felt good! Oh! Criticising's great, isn't it?! Gives ya a real lift! I don't like your shoes, by the way.
Ah! What's the story with his head? Looks like something from that TV show, "When Circumcisions Go Wrong"! Look, you've gotta help us.
If you don't get your ship off this crash course, we're all dead.
Well, the bridge is that way.
I'll pretend you escaped.
Won't you get in trouble? How? Nobody can criticise you here.
Now get going before somebody comes.
Oh, and by the way, you are way too old to be wearing leather pants.
Nobody move! Please.
Did you help them? Did you betray us, did you? Yeah, I did, Ziggy.
I betrayed this badge.
I made this uniform, quite frankly an object of ridicule.
Well there is no shame in making mistakes, officer.
You may go.
To our visitors we need to drain them.
Now, we are going to drain you of all your critical faculties by removing your inner critic; that little voice in your head that stops you achieving your full potential.
Now you will no longer turn down opportunities for fear of failure or humiliation.
You will only feel love for all things.
They're gonna turn us into hippies.
I'm gonna wind up like that crazy guy on the flute.
Oh, that was Derek.
He used to be a theatre critic.
Oh, he's come so far.
- Look.
- [BEEP.]
[WHOOSHING.]
- That's his inner critic.
- Oh, my God! What's he turned into without me?! Whatever it is, he's useless! He'll fail! He's talentless! [WHOOSHING.]
Leave this to me.
As Stand-in Senior Acting Commanding Officer of the J.
M.
C.
mining ship Red Dwarf, and protected as I am, under Space Corps directive 381-286, Kryten shut up, I demand that you release us all immediately, or at least one of us, as a gesture of goodwill, for which I'd like to volunteer.
My friend, you have nothing to fear.
Your happiness awaits, and you shall be the first.
Let's bottle your inner critic.
[CLICKING THEN ZAPPING.]
Now, let your critical observations flow forth.
You mean I could end up loving my parents, and admiring my brothers? You'll have nothing to remain dead for! Resist, sir.
Resist! If they remove your inner critic, you'll be changed forever.
Changed forever?! Listen to him! My parents were lovely, wise, thoughtful, and supportive.
Argh! Aww! I achieved all my dreams, - and I'm admired and respected.
- Don't fight it.
Think of your childhood, were you're happy? I was so happy! I can't hold out much longer! - [ZAPPING INTENSIFIES.]
- Argh! My brother, Howard, was an utter bastard! [MACHINE BANGS.]
As for my parents and the schools they sent me to, the exams I've failed, and the support I never got, and why Yvonne McGruder never wanted to go on a second date with me, and my sex life was an absolute shambles; ever since that day at school - my brother gave me sex advice, - [MACHINE CONTINUES BANGING.]
he said the most important thing was the clitoris, and I thought what he said was, "The most important thing was to spit on her wrist!" Oh, the looks I used to get.
Wait slow down.
You you're criticising faster than the extractor can cope.
I've hardly started! Oh, you your inner critic's too powerful! The the extractor can't process it.
Well, why can't it process it?! Cheap, damned, Minervan, negative-energy, inner critic bottling machines! Will ya stop criticising! - [VIOLENT EXPLOSIONS.]
- Ooh! - [SPARKING.]
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
[ZAPPING AND WHOOSHING.]
What the hell's that?! [ECHOING.]
I'm Rimmer's inner critic, I'm the voice inside his head that reminds him he's an idle, good-for-nothing, under-achieving idiot, who surrounds himself with cretins to mask his own inadequacies.
He hangs 'round with other guys, besides us? Tell it to go away.
Tell it to leave me alone.
You need me.
I protect you.
Remember the school talent contest? Twelve years old; you wanted to Morris dance in front of the entire school.
And you made me chicken out.
We'd have been humiliated! Same with all those women I wanted ask out on dates, you claimed where out of my league.
Of course I did.
Ann Marie was a solid four out of ten.
We're lucky to get threes! I hate you.
You've never let me take any risks, ever! I stop you from making a fool of yourself.
But he's always making a fool of himself.
Yeah.
He is always making a fool of himself.
So hang on, you're not doing a very good job, are ya? You can't criticise me.
I'm his inner critic! Where were you when Rimmer was fixing that drive plate, - wiped out the crew? - No-one criticises me! Why didn't you tell him he wasn't up to it? I mean, aren't you supposed to protect him? - Well, yes, I suppose I - So, you failed.
Well that's not fair.
I possibly didn't achieve all the goals I set out to.
You're right.
It failed! That's a bit strong, I didn't fully succeed.
- It failed.
- Failed? - I can't believe you just said that, - It failed.
- That's really horrible.
- It failed! - [WHOOSHING.]
- Oh! - Is it dead? - Just wounded.
It'll be back one day.
Trust me.
- [ZAPPING.]
- Oof! You achieved a positive end by using criticism to vanquish a foe! Because you can't tar all criticism with one brush.
Yes, I see that now.
Perhaps our philosophy is flawed.
Are you criticising your own philosophy? I suppose I am.
Wait! Call together all the members of the high chamber.
And warn them that I've repealed the law against criticism.
From this moment on, everybody can criticise without fear of penalty.
Release them! [POWERS DOWN.]
What about Planet Rimmer? The ship is on a crash descent course and your engineering department don't know what the hell they're doing! We need to get to the engine room.
No need.
I'll request our engineers simply return to their jobs, and then we'll be out of here in a brief contraction of forward space.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
I've been racking my brains as to how I could thank you for showing me a new way to live.
Now my first thought was, We could upgrade your mech.
Then I thought No.
No, it's not special enough.
Then I thought, we could upgrade Red Dwarf's engine, Uh, make it FTL? But again I thought No, it's not special enough.
I wanted to give you something that would truly show you the depth of my gratitude.
For you.
It's my finest work.
Look, don't take this the wrong way, but, erm it's not that good, to be honest.
I repeal the law! - Critics! I need help here.
- [ALARM SOUNDS.]
Drain them! Drain them all!!! It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere I'm all alone, more or less Let me fly far away from here Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose Drinking fresh mango juice Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun.
Yeah!