Would I Lie To You? (2007) s12e03 Episode Script
Olivia Colman, Aston Merrygold, Jon Richardson, Michaela Strachan
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good evening.
Welcome to "Would I Lie To You?", the show where dishonesty is sometimes the best policy.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, an actress with three Baftas, three Independent Film Awards, and a Golden Globe.
The only thing bigger than her talent is her mantelpiece.
It's Olivia Colman! And a singer-songwriter, who recently became a father, which explains why he was so keen to come out tonight, it's Aston Merrygold! And over on Lee Mack's team tonight, a comedian with more hang-ups than a PPI call centre, it's Jon Richardson! And a TV presenter who loves rare animals.
Personally, I prefer mine well done.
It's Michaela Strachan! We begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they have no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction, and Jon is first up tonight.
After just one lesson, I had to give up learning the guitar, because I found my teacher too good-looking.
David's team.
How old were you when you had these lessons? 30 .
.
something? It was about, I'd say it was three years ago.
It's well-known you can't learn anything after the age of 27.
That's it.
Whatever you can do when you're 27, that's what you do.
Forget anything else.
How is parenting going, David? Was it a man or a woman, your teacher? Er Which is funnier? It was a man.
It was a man.
And were you attracted to him, or you just found him objectively so good-looking that you thought, "This is intimidating"? Er, I am recently married.
This is a threat to me.
My wife booked me some lessons as a gift.
He came to my house, I felt he was too good-looking to exist in my house, and I simply never phoned him about the second lesson.
Paint a picture for us of this man, maybe using Lee as a base point.
I mean, if you can picture almost the opposite.
Oh! Now, there's no need to go that far, Jon.
He arrived on a bicycle.
That upset me.
Sweating.
Guitar on his back.
He was Spanish.
That upset me.
Very ahead of my time there, Brexit-wise.
This was before the vote.
In fact, I actually organised the vote as a way of getting him out of the country.
He said something like, "Can I bring my bike into the house?" I mean, I was all aquiver.
I think I said, "You can bring whatever you like, Alberto.
" But a visual, I want a visual picture, I mean, - what, was he tall, short? - What colour were his eyes? Er, have you ever seen a sunset? Was your wife clearly thrilled to see him? She was upstairs, luckily.
And why the guitar? Do you, like, are you into guitar, or did she just want - you to play guitar? - I want to learn the guitar.
You don't need to learn an instrument to be in a band, do you, Aston? You can sell, like, 10 million records without playing a guitar, so you'll be fine.
Boom! What do you think? Is he telling the truth? - What do you think? - Well, I did think it was the truth, because, the little I know of you, you seem like you could be worried enough to feel that.
What do you think? I don't know, I'm not sold.
If you could move to true, that would really help me out.
For you, all right, for you, I'll move to true.
- Brilliant.
- Oh, the pressure! - That means I don't have to think.
True, yeah.
You're saying true.
Jon, truth or lie? It is - .
.
true! - Yay! Well done! It's true, Jon did stop having guitar lessons, because he found his teacher too good-looking.
Olivia, you're next.
Possession.
Ah, right, OK, there's a box under the desk.
Now, there's a card inside it, could you read the card out first, then when you've read it, take the item and place it on top of the desk? Whenever I need to cry in a scene, I ask the director to hold this up behind the camera.
There's something about it that helps the tears to flow.
OK, and then take out the object, just pop it on the desk.
Right, just see if you can position him there.
Lee's team.
What, what is that? It's a cat.
It's a glove puppet.
But he looks a bit like he's been treated badly.
Well, he has been treated badly, because someone's cut his - back legs off.
- I know! And how long have you had this badly treated cat? Er, about 20 years.
So since you were about seven.
No, I was only joking.
David will remember him from various scenes in Peep Show as well.
Oh, this is good, I've never seen this done before.
Dragging a team-mate into a lie.
So he would sometimes hold the cat.
So maybe it wasn't the cat that made you cry, maybe it was Oh, I've never thought that through.
I wasn't on set for Broadchurch, so But the cat is called David, so maybe I've never made that connection before.
So is David Tennant holding that up in Broadchurch? - It's the director, normally, behind the camera.
- Right.
But why is? And if you look, look - AUDIENCE SIGHS - I know! - Could I, could I have David? - OK, just be nice to him.
Not you.
Thank you.
What if you two were to, sort of, improvise a dramatic scene? Right, you're telling David, he's playing your husband - ludicrous - that you've met another man, and you're going to leave, but you're sad, because you have six children, - you're going to miss them, it's not going to be easy.
- Ooh! I, at a given point OK .
.
will pop it up, and when you, when you When I pop it up, I want you to let the tears flow.
- OK.
- Whenever Rob pops it up, a woman cries.
I didn't hear that, I only assume it was very insulting.
- It would be something snide.
- OK, off you go.
- OK.
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, darling.
I'm afraid I'm running off with Alberto, the guitar teacher.
Alberto? What, even after I voted for Brexit? I just couldn't help myself.
If only they'd trigger Article 50 more quickly, he'd be gone by now.
I'm getting some political satire in.
Are you all right, darling? Yes.
Sorry, I will try and keep it together.
SHE WAILS MANICALLY I'm really sorry! Is it possible to look at the cat, to see if it looks 20 years old? Because I think If you throw him to me, I'll throw him over to Jon.
No, I'm not throwing him.
- Don't worry, he'll land on his feet.
- You have to be gentle Thank you.
Thank you, Aston, that's very kind.
- Oh, did you see that? - That was a good catch.
- That was quite good, wasn't it? - Is that what you do on Springwatch, you just pull the bluetits out of the sky? Let's have a look at this bluetit! And now an owl.
- It looks a bit - It does look manky and old, doesn't it? - He looks battered.
- It's pretty manky! - He looks battered.
- Can I smell it? - Go on, have a sniff.
12 years old, that.
So what do you think, truth or a lie? Michaela? I think you're way too good an actress to need something like that.
- So you say it's a lie? - I think it's definite Oh! I think I would have read it in an interview.
- Yeah, so you're saying it's a lie? - Yes.
- OK, we'll say it's a lie.
You say it's a lie? Olivia, was it the truth or was it a lie? It is, in fact - .
.
a lie.
- Oh, thank goodness! Yes, it's a lie, Olivia doesn't ask the director to hold up a glove puppet to make her cry.
Our next round is called "This Is My", where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Justin.
So, Aston, what is Justin to you? This is Justin, and once I did a backflip in a supermarket and landed in his trolley.
Good luck with that one, Aston.
Olivia, how do you know Justin? This is Justin, he is my neighbour, and he has had a parcel in my hall for the last seven months, and he's here tonight because I want him to take it home.
And, finally, David, what is your relationship with Justin? This is Justin, he tried to recruit me to his underground ping-pong club .
.
after being wowed by my skills with the bat.
So, Lee's team, where to begin? OK, so, we know you can do the backflip, Aston, I've seen that in action, so that's true.
However, there's a little bit of the story I'm doubting.
- OK.
- You flipped and you landed in his shopping trolley? - Yep.
- So the big question is - was that deliberate, or was it an accident when you were shopping? An utter accident.
Oh, come on! - I promise you.
- Where was this? In Where was we, Asda? And whereabouts in the country was this? - Peterborough.
- In Peterborough? - My hometown, yeah, yeah, so I was with my mum.
- You're from Peterborough? It was literally, like, not long after myself and the boys did the X Factor, and it was just that kind of crazy time, when it's a bit like, OK, everyone's That, like, kind of crazy time when you think I'll carry on shopping in Asda in Peterborough? Why would you be doing backflips just casually in a supermarket? I mean, that's the bizarre bit, isn't it? Basically, some guy and his daughter just, "Oh, would you do it, would you do it? "Oh, she's a big fan", and I was just, like, - I mean, I'm in a supermarket - Were you on your own? No, I was with my mum.
To my knowledge, there are two parts of a backflip.
The second part is doing the backflip, the first part is having a quick look behind you to check there isn't a trolley or something like that there.
- Exactly.
- But that's not part of the backflip, is it? You can't say there's two parts of a backflip, the second part is doing the backflip.
You could say that about anything.
There's two parts of writing a symphony - the second part is writing a symphony, the first part is the day before you write a symphony.
Pretty hard to believe that an experienced backflipper wouldn't, at some point, have learnt to just have a quick - It's on, it's actually on YouTube.
- It's on YouTube? - You can check it, yeah.
- I can check it? - Yeah.
Well, then, stay there.
This is one of the easiest rounds we've ever had.
I'm just checking it now, Aston.
We'll use that for proof later, it would slightly be not in the spirit of the game, Lee, to And also, it's not going to work on my hand, is it? That's not going to work.
You see? Better actor than you thought, Rob.
When you do a backflip, you know, you don't normally fly in the air afterwards and land higher up, you just kind of land on the same plane.
If you were deliberately trying to backflip into a trolley, - I'd say that could be done.
- But not by accident, because Oh, my goodness, it could have But then again, he's only a little fella, isn't he? He's only little, I bet he flipped and he landed right in that little baby seat.
And then off he went and started his life with a new family! - Are you claiming that you landed on your feet? - Yeah.
You landed on your feet in the trolley? And you stayed stood up? Of course.
Was this man pushing it at the time? No, it was there, just behind me Did he think you were a free gift with the cornflakes? Did you land facing him or facing away? I'll tell you what, I'll show you, I'll show you.
- No, don't do it.
- I'm going to do it, just to prove to you, right? - Oh, I can't bear this - Listen - Aston, darling, don't do anything dangerous.
- Aston, be careful.
- No, because I'm going to show you, - and just how high as well.
- I wish I hadn't brought it up, - I'm so sorry.
- It's fine.
- Please don't do it No! Oh! - Woo! Yeah, exactly, so I'd be here Oh, oh, so you did? Right Wow! I am sorry, I take back everything I've said.
However, you're still lying.
- What about Olivia? - OK.
Oh, I've forgotten what she said Olivia's got a package in her hallway that she's had for seven months that he should have collected from her, and it's I'm quite annoyed by that already.
When you say neighbour, you mean actual neighbour, - or communal - Not my immediate neighbour on either side, but he's three down the road.
OK, and, so he wasn't in, and the package came - to you with a little - Yeah.
.
.
card or whatever posted to him to say where it was.
- Have you still got it? - Yeah.
Oh, well, it's here, in my dressing room.
Why has it been seven months? I don't know.
I know he's a wildlife photographer, so he probably travels a lot, and And when I've taken it to him, he hasn't been there, so I've left a note, it's still here, and then he's missed me, and left a note going, - "I came, but it wasn't there.
" - And in the whole seven months, has he ever left a note to say, "Sorry, tried to collect"? - Oh, yes, three.
- What did the note say? - "Sorry.
" - That was it? - "Er, sorry about the package, "I did try, but you weren't in.
" The question is this, what is in that package? I haven't opened it, but it's an irritating shape, because you can't get the pushchair through the door hole, you have to fold down the pushchair to get past it.
What? How big is it? So it's long and thin, and I think it might be, I don't know, a blind or a, you know, curtain rail.
What's the girth? Is it like that sort of girth? There's a lot of packaging around it.
So it can't get through his letterbox, you haven't tried? Oh, no, no, so you have to, that's the whole point, why it's been so irritating, we have to ring the door bell, - he's not there.
- OK.
And she said it's really irritating, and she sort of looked at him apologetically, as if to say, "I didn't mean to call "you here on telly to say you're an irritating man.
" - But she is a professional actress.
- I know! - So she could just be lying.
- That's very good, though.
So you've brought it in tonight? You've brought it in Yeah, that's I thought this would be an extreme Yes, to be fair Is this the only reason you've come on the show? Just to give back a parcel! What about David and the table tennis? Oh, we're actually going through with all that, are we? David, remind us of your supposition.
He tried to recruit me for his underground ping-pong club, because he was impressed by my skills with the bat.
Can I just check, when you say underground, do you mean underground, literally, it's under ground, or do you mean it's a bit, it's a bit devious? I don't think there was any illegality, but it was, er, to a certain extent, subterranean.
It was in a sort of basement.
In his basement? No, in the basement of an advertising agency.
Are you good at table tennis? I'm a bit good at table tennis, not very good, but I'm better than you'd expect me to be.
And how did this man see you play table tennis? Well, I played it there, at the basement.
How do you know him? He's a friend, I know him in my life.
He works in the media.
To be absolutely clear what you're saying, apart from me and Rob, you have another friend? Yes.
Hmm - You said, David, in your statement, he was wowed - Yes.
- .
.
by your table tennis.
- Yeah.
I've never seen you play table tennis, but I don't picture you as being particularly adept at any sport.
You don't mind me saying that? Don't I? OK.
Good to know, because I was wondering what I was experiencing.
Talk me through your serve.
Well, I sort of go Oh, no, no, no That's a bit bog-standard, you don't do No, no, because I like to keep my tongue in my mouth.
Right, ready? OK.
I played it to your forehand, you idiot! Well, I couldn't see, the ball's invisible! Because you're not an actor of sufficient imagination, are you? If you were a better actor, Rob, he'd know which side that you served.
Do you want me to serve to you, David? What, don't start playing with him! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - No.
- It's all right, we can get it over! No, no, no, stop it! Give me your bat.
So there you were, playing table tennis - in this underground car park - No .
.
and what you did wowed him enough to say please join our team? - Well, firstly, he'd invited me to see the club.
- Yeah.
So I hadn't just turned up, and he saw me across a crowded underground ping-pong centre I'm not suggesting romance was involved.
Seeing people across a crowded area doesn't mean there's - romance involved.
- Typically, the expression, "I saw him, or her, "across a crowded room" infers romance.
It implies.
Damn it! Well, we need an answer.
So, Lee's team, is Justin Aston's shocked shopper, Olivia's neglectful neighbour, or is he David's ping-pong pal? I think anyone that's prepared to stand there that long while all this is going on is a wildlife photographer.
Or one of the others, and he's been told to stand there for that long.
If what you're saying there is true, Michaela, then we've had a wildlife photographer on every single episode.
Do you know what he doesn't look like? A man who shops at Asda.
He has got Waitrose written all over his face.
Hasn't he? I think Olivia's story is very believable.
The apologetic look when she described him as an irritant is either the greatest piece of acting of my generation, or a typically British response of, "I've got my neighbour on telly and told the whole country "how annoying he is".
I'm torn, but I'll go with Olivia, then.
You think it's Olivia? Right, Justin, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Justin, and I tried to recruit David for my underground ping-pong club.
Yes, David is Justin's ping-pong pal.
Thank you very much, Justin.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Aston.
A bodyguard once rushed me to safety, after a fan went - to extreme lengths to get into my hotel room.
- Ooh Oh, this is ringing bells with you, Lee.
Off you go.
What was the extreme lengths this fan went to? Erm, basically, we unloaded our suitcases off the tour bus, and she had got herself into a suitcase - No, she'd not! - .
.
and planted it Was she called Mrs Houdini? What are you talking about? Obviously, she's, like, someone must have put her there.
- Was it zipped up? - I think so.
So I'm picturing it more like Scooby-Doo, like a potato sack tied with rope, and it's sort of moving, and they're saying, "Whose bag's this?" And she said, "No-one, just take it to Aston's room!" Was it a woman or a man? Well, no, we were told it was a girl.
So we So you never saw this girl? Might you have packed her in the previous hotel, you know, it's a bit of a crazy night, and you're packing your stuff, and the next thing you know she turns up at the next Premier Inn? Did you get any description of this girl? She was all right, apparently, but that was What are you thinking, Michaela? I'm thinking it's probably true.
I mean, fans do crazy things, don't they? Oh, it's hard, isn't it? I think it might be true.
I think it might be a lie, but I'm going to go with my Well, I'm going to change my mind and go with you, then.
No, no, we can't do that.
If you say true and you say true, and I go, "I think it's a lie, but we'll go true," I'm covered both ways, aren't I? - You're captain, though, right? - But this way, now - You're on this every week.
You don't get Gregg Wallace tasting a meal, and going, "I don't know, what do you think of it?" In that case, we're going to say it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
Aston, was it the truth or is it a lie? - It's true.
- I knew it! Next .
.
it's Lee.
I once refused to help a hang glider who had become tangled in a tree, because, two hours earlier, he had been rude to me in a car park.
David's team.
I love it.
How high up in the tree was he? He was about two thirds the way up of the tree.
You probably want to know the height of the tree, - don't you? - Yes, please.
- The height of the tree was about how high he was plus a third.
So he wasn't two thirds of the way up the tree, he was three quarters? He was No.
If he was two thirds of the way up the tree, then the height of the tree was how high he was plus a half.
That is a fair point, innit? He's made you look an idiot.
Where was the car park? The car park was just near a cliff.
Right, yes.
What was the altercation that you had with him? He took the last space, that I considered my space, because I got to the space in the car park, and I did - that thing where I was waiting, with my hazard lights on.
- Yes.
When he came round the corner, and just, as the person pulled out, he pulled straight into the space.
I got out the car, I would say menacingly, I approached his car, he got out the car, er, bigger .
.
and I said, forget it, then, you know.
If that's your attitude.
Did he get his equipment out, then? No.
He'd already belittled me enough.
Where was this tree? What were you doing when you came - across this tree with him in it? - Well, I was just going for a stroll, with my wife.
And you heard a noise, did you hear him or see him first? - Er, I heard him first.
- You heard him, and what was the sound that you heard? You're talking to your wife Well, can you imagine a kite hitting a tree? Times that by 50, and then add a human, that is what it sounded like.
"Ow!" Obviously, I took the smart arse approach, and I went, "Oi, I think you'll find I was going to park there.
" Erm, what did he say? He went, "Help! "Can you? Argh, help!" And I couldn't see him at first, because it was just a sort of mess of tree and hand glider and, er - What sort of tree was it, Lee? - It was a big one.
No, no, trees have names, don't they? Oh, Brian, the big tree.
Was it an oak or a birch or an ash? - Yeah.
- The species of tree.
I'm going to go for oak.
But was it an oak? No.
Look, I'm walking along, with my wife Argh, crash, bang, wow! "Is that an oak?" That's not how conversations go, is it? You're going, there's a man in a tree, fighting for his life! A man in a tree, shouting, "Help, help, help me, - "help me" - "Help, help, I'm stuck in an oak, I think!" And what did you, what did you say to him, - as he shouted help? - "That's not an oak! "You're confusing me now, when I have to relay "this on 'Would I Lie To You?', I'll get all confused! "And it's your fault!" "I don't know, I think it might be a sycamore, - "can you just help me?" - Sycamore?! Yeah, when he fell out, he went like that, all the way down.
And what did your wife have to say about this? My wife said, "We must help him.
" And I said, "I refuse, I absolutely refuse.
" - And she just went along with that? - Nope, she climbed that tree.
She climbed that tree.
With her bare hands? No, no, she's got human hands.
She climbed that tree, and luckily she had some nail scissors, and she slowly started cutting at the many, many, er, bits of tangled up bits around him, until eventually she managed to help him get down.
- Did she carry? - So the hand glider had strings, - like a parachute, did it? - Sounds like a parachute, - doesn't it? Yes.
- I should point out I should point out, I'd walked away, and this is just the story that my wife recounted.
And then when did you next see your wife? I still haven't seen her since.
So, what did she? He was a very good-looking Spanish guy, apparently.
- All right.
- Super.
Well, this is definitely true.
Right, yes.
Do you believe this? - No.
- Is it a lie? - Yeah.
- Lie.
- Lie, lie.
Yeah, I think we think it's a lie because of what he said.
Lee, was it the truth or was it a lie? Of course it was a lie! BUZZER Well, that noise signals time is up, and it's the end of the show, and I can reveal that David's team has won by four points to one.
Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time, goodnight.
Welcome to "Would I Lie To You?", the show where dishonesty is sometimes the best policy.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, an actress with three Baftas, three Independent Film Awards, and a Golden Globe.
The only thing bigger than her talent is her mantelpiece.
It's Olivia Colman! And a singer-songwriter, who recently became a father, which explains why he was so keen to come out tonight, it's Aston Merrygold! And over on Lee Mack's team tonight, a comedian with more hang-ups than a PPI call centre, it's Jon Richardson! And a TV presenter who loves rare animals.
Personally, I prefer mine well done.
It's Michaela Strachan! We begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they have no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction, and Jon is first up tonight.
After just one lesson, I had to give up learning the guitar, because I found my teacher too good-looking.
David's team.
How old were you when you had these lessons? 30 .
.
something? It was about, I'd say it was three years ago.
It's well-known you can't learn anything after the age of 27.
That's it.
Whatever you can do when you're 27, that's what you do.
Forget anything else.
How is parenting going, David? Was it a man or a woman, your teacher? Er Which is funnier? It was a man.
It was a man.
And were you attracted to him, or you just found him objectively so good-looking that you thought, "This is intimidating"? Er, I am recently married.
This is a threat to me.
My wife booked me some lessons as a gift.
He came to my house, I felt he was too good-looking to exist in my house, and I simply never phoned him about the second lesson.
Paint a picture for us of this man, maybe using Lee as a base point.
I mean, if you can picture almost the opposite.
Oh! Now, there's no need to go that far, Jon.
He arrived on a bicycle.
That upset me.
Sweating.
Guitar on his back.
He was Spanish.
That upset me.
Very ahead of my time there, Brexit-wise.
This was before the vote.
In fact, I actually organised the vote as a way of getting him out of the country.
He said something like, "Can I bring my bike into the house?" I mean, I was all aquiver.
I think I said, "You can bring whatever you like, Alberto.
" But a visual, I want a visual picture, I mean, - what, was he tall, short? - What colour were his eyes? Er, have you ever seen a sunset? Was your wife clearly thrilled to see him? She was upstairs, luckily.
And why the guitar? Do you, like, are you into guitar, or did she just want - you to play guitar? - I want to learn the guitar.
You don't need to learn an instrument to be in a band, do you, Aston? You can sell, like, 10 million records without playing a guitar, so you'll be fine.
Boom! What do you think? Is he telling the truth? - What do you think? - Well, I did think it was the truth, because, the little I know of you, you seem like you could be worried enough to feel that.
What do you think? I don't know, I'm not sold.
If you could move to true, that would really help me out.
For you, all right, for you, I'll move to true.
- Brilliant.
- Oh, the pressure! - That means I don't have to think.
True, yeah.
You're saying true.
Jon, truth or lie? It is - .
.
true! - Yay! Well done! It's true, Jon did stop having guitar lessons, because he found his teacher too good-looking.
Olivia, you're next.
Possession.
Ah, right, OK, there's a box under the desk.
Now, there's a card inside it, could you read the card out first, then when you've read it, take the item and place it on top of the desk? Whenever I need to cry in a scene, I ask the director to hold this up behind the camera.
There's something about it that helps the tears to flow.
OK, and then take out the object, just pop it on the desk.
Right, just see if you can position him there.
Lee's team.
What, what is that? It's a cat.
It's a glove puppet.
But he looks a bit like he's been treated badly.
Well, he has been treated badly, because someone's cut his - back legs off.
- I know! And how long have you had this badly treated cat? Er, about 20 years.
So since you were about seven.
No, I was only joking.
David will remember him from various scenes in Peep Show as well.
Oh, this is good, I've never seen this done before.
Dragging a team-mate into a lie.
So he would sometimes hold the cat.
So maybe it wasn't the cat that made you cry, maybe it was Oh, I've never thought that through.
I wasn't on set for Broadchurch, so But the cat is called David, so maybe I've never made that connection before.
So is David Tennant holding that up in Broadchurch? - It's the director, normally, behind the camera.
- Right.
But why is? And if you look, look - AUDIENCE SIGHS - I know! - Could I, could I have David? - OK, just be nice to him.
Not you.
Thank you.
What if you two were to, sort of, improvise a dramatic scene? Right, you're telling David, he's playing your husband - ludicrous - that you've met another man, and you're going to leave, but you're sad, because you have six children, - you're going to miss them, it's not going to be easy.
- Ooh! I, at a given point OK .
.
will pop it up, and when you, when you When I pop it up, I want you to let the tears flow.
- OK.
- Whenever Rob pops it up, a woman cries.
I didn't hear that, I only assume it was very insulting.
- It would be something snide.
- OK, off you go.
- OK.
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, darling.
I'm afraid I'm running off with Alberto, the guitar teacher.
Alberto? What, even after I voted for Brexit? I just couldn't help myself.
If only they'd trigger Article 50 more quickly, he'd be gone by now.
I'm getting some political satire in.
Are you all right, darling? Yes.
Sorry, I will try and keep it together.
SHE WAILS MANICALLY I'm really sorry! Is it possible to look at the cat, to see if it looks 20 years old? Because I think If you throw him to me, I'll throw him over to Jon.
No, I'm not throwing him.
- Don't worry, he'll land on his feet.
- You have to be gentle Thank you.
Thank you, Aston, that's very kind.
- Oh, did you see that? - That was a good catch.
- That was quite good, wasn't it? - Is that what you do on Springwatch, you just pull the bluetits out of the sky? Let's have a look at this bluetit! And now an owl.
- It looks a bit - It does look manky and old, doesn't it? - He looks battered.
- It's pretty manky! - He looks battered.
- Can I smell it? - Go on, have a sniff.
12 years old, that.
So what do you think, truth or a lie? Michaela? I think you're way too good an actress to need something like that.
- So you say it's a lie? - I think it's definite Oh! I think I would have read it in an interview.
- Yeah, so you're saying it's a lie? - Yes.
- OK, we'll say it's a lie.
You say it's a lie? Olivia, was it the truth or was it a lie? It is, in fact - .
.
a lie.
- Oh, thank goodness! Yes, it's a lie, Olivia doesn't ask the director to hold up a glove puppet to make her cry.
Our next round is called "This Is My", where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Justin.
So, Aston, what is Justin to you? This is Justin, and once I did a backflip in a supermarket and landed in his trolley.
Good luck with that one, Aston.
Olivia, how do you know Justin? This is Justin, he is my neighbour, and he has had a parcel in my hall for the last seven months, and he's here tonight because I want him to take it home.
And, finally, David, what is your relationship with Justin? This is Justin, he tried to recruit me to his underground ping-pong club .
.
after being wowed by my skills with the bat.
So, Lee's team, where to begin? OK, so, we know you can do the backflip, Aston, I've seen that in action, so that's true.
However, there's a little bit of the story I'm doubting.
- OK.
- You flipped and you landed in his shopping trolley? - Yep.
- So the big question is - was that deliberate, or was it an accident when you were shopping? An utter accident.
Oh, come on! - I promise you.
- Where was this? In Where was we, Asda? And whereabouts in the country was this? - Peterborough.
- In Peterborough? - My hometown, yeah, yeah, so I was with my mum.
- You're from Peterborough? It was literally, like, not long after myself and the boys did the X Factor, and it was just that kind of crazy time, when it's a bit like, OK, everyone's That, like, kind of crazy time when you think I'll carry on shopping in Asda in Peterborough? Why would you be doing backflips just casually in a supermarket? I mean, that's the bizarre bit, isn't it? Basically, some guy and his daughter just, "Oh, would you do it, would you do it? "Oh, she's a big fan", and I was just, like, - I mean, I'm in a supermarket - Were you on your own? No, I was with my mum.
To my knowledge, there are two parts of a backflip.
The second part is doing the backflip, the first part is having a quick look behind you to check there isn't a trolley or something like that there.
- Exactly.
- But that's not part of the backflip, is it? You can't say there's two parts of a backflip, the second part is doing the backflip.
You could say that about anything.
There's two parts of writing a symphony - the second part is writing a symphony, the first part is the day before you write a symphony.
Pretty hard to believe that an experienced backflipper wouldn't, at some point, have learnt to just have a quick - It's on, it's actually on YouTube.
- It's on YouTube? - You can check it, yeah.
- I can check it? - Yeah.
Well, then, stay there.
This is one of the easiest rounds we've ever had.
I'm just checking it now, Aston.
We'll use that for proof later, it would slightly be not in the spirit of the game, Lee, to And also, it's not going to work on my hand, is it? That's not going to work.
You see? Better actor than you thought, Rob.
When you do a backflip, you know, you don't normally fly in the air afterwards and land higher up, you just kind of land on the same plane.
If you were deliberately trying to backflip into a trolley, - I'd say that could be done.
- But not by accident, because Oh, my goodness, it could have But then again, he's only a little fella, isn't he? He's only little, I bet he flipped and he landed right in that little baby seat.
And then off he went and started his life with a new family! - Are you claiming that you landed on your feet? - Yeah.
You landed on your feet in the trolley? And you stayed stood up? Of course.
Was this man pushing it at the time? No, it was there, just behind me Did he think you were a free gift with the cornflakes? Did you land facing him or facing away? I'll tell you what, I'll show you, I'll show you.
- No, don't do it.
- I'm going to do it, just to prove to you, right? - Oh, I can't bear this - Listen - Aston, darling, don't do anything dangerous.
- Aston, be careful.
- No, because I'm going to show you, - and just how high as well.
- I wish I hadn't brought it up, - I'm so sorry.
- It's fine.
- Please don't do it No! Oh! - Woo! Yeah, exactly, so I'd be here Oh, oh, so you did? Right Wow! I am sorry, I take back everything I've said.
However, you're still lying.
- What about Olivia? - OK.
Oh, I've forgotten what she said Olivia's got a package in her hallway that she's had for seven months that he should have collected from her, and it's I'm quite annoyed by that already.
When you say neighbour, you mean actual neighbour, - or communal - Not my immediate neighbour on either side, but he's three down the road.
OK, and, so he wasn't in, and the package came - to you with a little - Yeah.
.
.
card or whatever posted to him to say where it was.
- Have you still got it? - Yeah.
Oh, well, it's here, in my dressing room.
Why has it been seven months? I don't know.
I know he's a wildlife photographer, so he probably travels a lot, and And when I've taken it to him, he hasn't been there, so I've left a note, it's still here, and then he's missed me, and left a note going, - "I came, but it wasn't there.
" - And in the whole seven months, has he ever left a note to say, "Sorry, tried to collect"? - Oh, yes, three.
- What did the note say? - "Sorry.
" - That was it? - "Er, sorry about the package, "I did try, but you weren't in.
" The question is this, what is in that package? I haven't opened it, but it's an irritating shape, because you can't get the pushchair through the door hole, you have to fold down the pushchair to get past it.
What? How big is it? So it's long and thin, and I think it might be, I don't know, a blind or a, you know, curtain rail.
What's the girth? Is it like that sort of girth? There's a lot of packaging around it.
So it can't get through his letterbox, you haven't tried? Oh, no, no, so you have to, that's the whole point, why it's been so irritating, we have to ring the door bell, - he's not there.
- OK.
And she said it's really irritating, and she sort of looked at him apologetically, as if to say, "I didn't mean to call "you here on telly to say you're an irritating man.
" - But she is a professional actress.
- I know! - So she could just be lying.
- That's very good, though.
So you've brought it in tonight? You've brought it in Yeah, that's I thought this would be an extreme Yes, to be fair Is this the only reason you've come on the show? Just to give back a parcel! What about David and the table tennis? Oh, we're actually going through with all that, are we? David, remind us of your supposition.
He tried to recruit me for his underground ping-pong club, because he was impressed by my skills with the bat.
Can I just check, when you say underground, do you mean underground, literally, it's under ground, or do you mean it's a bit, it's a bit devious? I don't think there was any illegality, but it was, er, to a certain extent, subterranean.
It was in a sort of basement.
In his basement? No, in the basement of an advertising agency.
Are you good at table tennis? I'm a bit good at table tennis, not very good, but I'm better than you'd expect me to be.
And how did this man see you play table tennis? Well, I played it there, at the basement.
How do you know him? He's a friend, I know him in my life.
He works in the media.
To be absolutely clear what you're saying, apart from me and Rob, you have another friend? Yes.
Hmm - You said, David, in your statement, he was wowed - Yes.
- .
.
by your table tennis.
- Yeah.
I've never seen you play table tennis, but I don't picture you as being particularly adept at any sport.
You don't mind me saying that? Don't I? OK.
Good to know, because I was wondering what I was experiencing.
Talk me through your serve.
Well, I sort of go Oh, no, no, no That's a bit bog-standard, you don't do No, no, because I like to keep my tongue in my mouth.
Right, ready? OK.
I played it to your forehand, you idiot! Well, I couldn't see, the ball's invisible! Because you're not an actor of sufficient imagination, are you? If you were a better actor, Rob, he'd know which side that you served.
Do you want me to serve to you, David? What, don't start playing with him! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - No.
- It's all right, we can get it over! No, no, no, stop it! Give me your bat.
So there you were, playing table tennis - in this underground car park - No .
.
and what you did wowed him enough to say please join our team? - Well, firstly, he'd invited me to see the club.
- Yeah.
So I hadn't just turned up, and he saw me across a crowded underground ping-pong centre I'm not suggesting romance was involved.
Seeing people across a crowded area doesn't mean there's - romance involved.
- Typically, the expression, "I saw him, or her, "across a crowded room" infers romance.
It implies.
Damn it! Well, we need an answer.
So, Lee's team, is Justin Aston's shocked shopper, Olivia's neglectful neighbour, or is he David's ping-pong pal? I think anyone that's prepared to stand there that long while all this is going on is a wildlife photographer.
Or one of the others, and he's been told to stand there for that long.
If what you're saying there is true, Michaela, then we've had a wildlife photographer on every single episode.
Do you know what he doesn't look like? A man who shops at Asda.
He has got Waitrose written all over his face.
Hasn't he? I think Olivia's story is very believable.
The apologetic look when she described him as an irritant is either the greatest piece of acting of my generation, or a typically British response of, "I've got my neighbour on telly and told the whole country "how annoying he is".
I'm torn, but I'll go with Olivia, then.
You think it's Olivia? Right, Justin, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Justin, and I tried to recruit David for my underground ping-pong club.
Yes, David is Justin's ping-pong pal.
Thank you very much, Justin.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Aston.
A bodyguard once rushed me to safety, after a fan went - to extreme lengths to get into my hotel room.
- Ooh Oh, this is ringing bells with you, Lee.
Off you go.
What was the extreme lengths this fan went to? Erm, basically, we unloaded our suitcases off the tour bus, and she had got herself into a suitcase - No, she'd not! - .
.
and planted it Was she called Mrs Houdini? What are you talking about? Obviously, she's, like, someone must have put her there.
- Was it zipped up? - I think so.
So I'm picturing it more like Scooby-Doo, like a potato sack tied with rope, and it's sort of moving, and they're saying, "Whose bag's this?" And she said, "No-one, just take it to Aston's room!" Was it a woman or a man? Well, no, we were told it was a girl.
So we So you never saw this girl? Might you have packed her in the previous hotel, you know, it's a bit of a crazy night, and you're packing your stuff, and the next thing you know she turns up at the next Premier Inn? Did you get any description of this girl? She was all right, apparently, but that was What are you thinking, Michaela? I'm thinking it's probably true.
I mean, fans do crazy things, don't they? Oh, it's hard, isn't it? I think it might be true.
I think it might be a lie, but I'm going to go with my Well, I'm going to change my mind and go with you, then.
No, no, we can't do that.
If you say true and you say true, and I go, "I think it's a lie, but we'll go true," I'm covered both ways, aren't I? - You're captain, though, right? - But this way, now - You're on this every week.
You don't get Gregg Wallace tasting a meal, and going, "I don't know, what do you think of it?" In that case, we're going to say it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
Aston, was it the truth or is it a lie? - It's true.
- I knew it! Next .
.
it's Lee.
I once refused to help a hang glider who had become tangled in a tree, because, two hours earlier, he had been rude to me in a car park.
David's team.
I love it.
How high up in the tree was he? He was about two thirds the way up of the tree.
You probably want to know the height of the tree, - don't you? - Yes, please.
- The height of the tree was about how high he was plus a third.
So he wasn't two thirds of the way up the tree, he was three quarters? He was No.
If he was two thirds of the way up the tree, then the height of the tree was how high he was plus a half.
That is a fair point, innit? He's made you look an idiot.
Where was the car park? The car park was just near a cliff.
Right, yes.
What was the altercation that you had with him? He took the last space, that I considered my space, because I got to the space in the car park, and I did - that thing where I was waiting, with my hazard lights on.
- Yes.
When he came round the corner, and just, as the person pulled out, he pulled straight into the space.
I got out the car, I would say menacingly, I approached his car, he got out the car, er, bigger .
.
and I said, forget it, then, you know.
If that's your attitude.
Did he get his equipment out, then? No.
He'd already belittled me enough.
Where was this tree? What were you doing when you came - across this tree with him in it? - Well, I was just going for a stroll, with my wife.
And you heard a noise, did you hear him or see him first? - Er, I heard him first.
- You heard him, and what was the sound that you heard? You're talking to your wife Well, can you imagine a kite hitting a tree? Times that by 50, and then add a human, that is what it sounded like.
"Ow!" Obviously, I took the smart arse approach, and I went, "Oi, I think you'll find I was going to park there.
" Erm, what did he say? He went, "Help! "Can you? Argh, help!" And I couldn't see him at first, because it was just a sort of mess of tree and hand glider and, er - What sort of tree was it, Lee? - It was a big one.
No, no, trees have names, don't they? Oh, Brian, the big tree.
Was it an oak or a birch or an ash? - Yeah.
- The species of tree.
I'm going to go for oak.
But was it an oak? No.
Look, I'm walking along, with my wife Argh, crash, bang, wow! "Is that an oak?" That's not how conversations go, is it? You're going, there's a man in a tree, fighting for his life! A man in a tree, shouting, "Help, help, help me, - "help me" - "Help, help, I'm stuck in an oak, I think!" And what did you, what did you say to him, - as he shouted help? - "That's not an oak! "You're confusing me now, when I have to relay "this on 'Would I Lie To You?', I'll get all confused! "And it's your fault!" "I don't know, I think it might be a sycamore, - "can you just help me?" - Sycamore?! Yeah, when he fell out, he went like that, all the way down.
And what did your wife have to say about this? My wife said, "We must help him.
" And I said, "I refuse, I absolutely refuse.
" - And she just went along with that? - Nope, she climbed that tree.
She climbed that tree.
With her bare hands? No, no, she's got human hands.
She climbed that tree, and luckily she had some nail scissors, and she slowly started cutting at the many, many, er, bits of tangled up bits around him, until eventually she managed to help him get down.
- Did she carry? - So the hand glider had strings, - like a parachute, did it? - Sounds like a parachute, - doesn't it? Yes.
- I should point out I should point out, I'd walked away, and this is just the story that my wife recounted.
And then when did you next see your wife? I still haven't seen her since.
So, what did she? He was a very good-looking Spanish guy, apparently.
- All right.
- Super.
Well, this is definitely true.
Right, yes.
Do you believe this? - No.
- Is it a lie? - Yeah.
- Lie.
- Lie, lie.
Yeah, I think we think it's a lie because of what he said.
Lee, was it the truth or was it a lie? Of course it was a lie! BUZZER Well, that noise signals time is up, and it's the end of the show, and I can reveal that David's team has won by four points to one.
Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time, goodnight.