8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s12e04 Episode Script
Vic Reeves, Sara Pascoe, David O'Doherty
1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 'Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, 'Sean Lock, 'Jon Richardson, 'Vic Reeves, 'Sara Pascoe, 'David O'Doherty, 'Susie Dent 'and Rachel Riley.
'Now for your host, Jimmy-y-y-y Ca-a-arr!' Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know the word "asparagus" first appeared in the English language around the year AD 800 and the phrase "asparagus piss" appeared the morning after? The Ancient Romans believed the number 13 was a symbol of death and destruction.
You might think that's superstitious nonsense, but all the Ancient Romans are now dead.
LAUGHTER Pogonophobia is the irrational fear of beards.
Some cultures fear beards as they think a man with a beard has something to hide.
Yeah, his face.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now that Sean's older, he's constantly losing things, specifically, his temper.
I thought you were going to say hair.
I probably should have gone hair.
Now that he's older, Sean is constantly losing things, specifically his hair.
I knew you were gonna say that.
You look like a kind of ancient Simon Pegg.
LAUGHTER And Sean's team-mate, Vic Reeves! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Some people are surprised that Vic Reeves' real name is Jim Moir, but what's the big deal? We all have alter egos.
Online, I'm Candy May Wilson, an 18-year-old cheerleader from Wisconsin.
Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hanging out with Jon Richardson is the social equivalent of stepping on a plug.
Electrifying, you mean.
Joining Jon tonight, Sara Pascoe! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sara is a vegan feminist who loves animals, her favourite being the high horse.
LAUGHTER So, Sean, in your opinion, what makes a man's man? Well, definitely, it doesn't matter what the situation, what's happened, you never flush twice.
LAUGHTER No.
Cos you do what you gotta do, you flush once and then you walk away.
No regrets, no looking back, no trying to sort out the situation.
That's what a man's man does.
APPLAUSE Yeah, yeah.
Do you think John Wayne was ever going, "Oh, oh, there's still a bit"? No! Is there a lot of James Bond, "Oh, God, no! Oh, God, I'll have to wait until the cistern fills up"? No! He's out there.
Grrrr! Grr! Fighting crime, not worrying about something floating around the pan.
- Sara, it says here that you like to perform on a full bladder.
- Oh.
- What's that about? - Before big speeches, Tony Blair used to not go to the toilet.
Apparently, it makes you more dynamic, so I thought I'd try that for stand-up comedy and rather than getting to be Prime Minister, I got cystitis which is a horrible bladder infection.
You have to be near a bathroom at all times.
It makes you feel sad inside and irrational and agitated.
Looking back, it does explain a lot of Tony Blair's decisions.
That entire war could have been avoided with some cranberry juice.
OK.
Jon, you are meticulous about everything.
What are your top tips for keeping the house tidy? Ohh! Good.
Nice.
Well, first and foremost, never love anyone or welcome them into your life or home.
But you've got a wife and child.
- Oh, I've made a mistake, yes.
- LAUGHTER You asked me what the tip was and I would say with hindsight, put your cleanliness ahead of yourhappiness, so don't have any pets, don't fall in love, don't have friends, keep your door locked.
Then have a good clean around, sit down, don't move.
Failing that, tin foil in the bottom of your baking trays, your grill pan and the bottom of the oven as well.
You have a pizza, a bit slides off.
Instead of burning, stinking the house out and having to clean the oven, take the foil out and put more foil down.
- So, that, either no love or foil.
- JIMMY SIGHS LOUDLY Sorry, I just slightly lost the will to live halfway through that.
I double-fold it, I didn't mention that.
If you put In a fan oven, pop a little baking tray on there or some baking beads to weigh it down.
- Baking beads? - Baking beads, you know, your ceramic beads.
- Ceramic baking beads? - These are made-up things.
- You've got to blind-bake your pastry for your flan.
- What?! - This is basic.
- Even I know about baking beads.
- Do you? How did you not get the Bake Off job? You would've been an excellent pair.
Yeah, but one has to be the light-hearted, fun one.
- That's you, Sean.
- I could do all the innuendos.
Like, "That eclair looks like a cock.
" LAUGHTER We're gonna need to work on that, but it's a great idea.
Stick it in your gob.
Stick it in your gob.
I could do that.
I could do that all day long.
That doughnut, I tell you what you could do with that doughnut! You could get Paul's knob and shove it in the doughnut hole.
What about that? That's wrong.
I've got to scale back from there.
- Yeah.
- Just go, "Oh, lovely hole on that doughnut!" LAUGHTER Jon, do you have any Bake Off innuendos? You should have auditioned for it.
I'll set you up.
Oh, they're baking a carrot cake over here.
Oh, carrots are orange and some people have orange hair and possibly also orange pubic hair.
LAUGHTER You could have got there in one.
Just so I learn, I'll tee YOU up, then you tell me what I should have done.
They're baking a carrot cake.
God, I bet that'd be nice rubbed all over your tits.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE He's He's very - He's really good at it.
- Very direct, I find you.
Effortless, I would say.
Anyway, I've got another one for Jon.
- Go on.
- Oh, look, that lady is making some cup cakes.
Shit on 'em and put 'em in my ears.
LAUGHTER I mean It's not the German Bake Off! LAUGHTER - Vic, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I've got - I've got this.
- Oh! - What is it? - This.
LAUGHTER - Oh, yes, it does say - "This.
" I was on Greenwich beach down in front of the Maritime Museum with some friends and they said, "What are you looking for?" I spotted that and I said, "I'm looking for this.
" - LAUGHTER - In fact Here's the thing.
My wife once, she rang me up.
She'd not been to Greenwich before and I said, "Where are you?" She said, "I'm in front of the Marmite Museum.
" I said, "Do you mean the Maritime Museum?" She looked and said, "Yes, I thought it was a bit grand for a Marmite Museum.
" - So I've brought this.
- I like it.
- Sara, have you got a mascot? - I have and I'm very excited about it.
- What is it? - I'm not very good at this game, the maths or the spelling.
- I really want to be good at it.
- Two of the key aspects.
- They're the main bits, actually, Jon.
So I am dressing up as the person who I know is the best at Countdown.
It's gonna be What's it called when you're not making fun of someone, but it's like a nice thing you're doing? - A homage? - Yeah, a homage, a tribute.
- I'm doing a tribute.
I'm channelling Jon Richardson Oh, my God! You're already a little bit more boring.
I've got all his best catchphrases written down, so I can say them through the game to myself.
- Can we hear a catchphrase? - Yeah, while I put my beard on.
I like my milk hot and my hot-water bottles even hotter.
But what if there's a germ in there? I won't come to your birthday, but save me some washing-up.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Oh, God! - Well, that is - Oh, that's awful.
- That is - Oh, I don't like it.
- Wow! - Is that what I look like? - Yeah, that's exactly what you look like.
Look at us.
Look at these hot, young kids.
- This is one of them homages where you're not taking the piss? - No.
- Are you gonna wear that for the whole time? - "Are you gonna wear that for the whole time?" - OK Sean, did you bring your mascot? I've noticed recently that a very easy way to turn a dollar is kids' books.
They're all at it.
Everyone's at it.
And I had a successful bash at it with my, um The Tiger Who Went For A Pint.
And I thought I'm gonna get into the kids' book market.
It's easy.
It's a piece of piss.
I reckon I can write them quicker than they can read 'em.
- LAUGHTER - That's how easy it is.
I thought, "We've got Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, Bob The Builder.
Time for a prison guard.
" So I've created Cyril The Screw.
LAUGHTER - Oh, he's very good.
- He's good, isn't he? There's Cyril.
There he is.
And I'm gonna read you the story of Cyril The Screw.
- That's lovely.
- "This is Cyril.
He's a prison officer.
He likes his job.
"He drives his prison van from the court to jail and he's very proud of his prison van.
"Cyril's best friend is a spider called Frank.
" LAUGHTER "Frank goes around the van listening to the prisoners.
"'Must stop being so naughty!' - "'Blooming DNA!'" - LAUGHTER HE CACKLES "As Cyril drives the naughty people to prison, "he likes to point out places that might be of interest.
"'Look, lads, at The Red Lion you can have a pie and a pint for £5.
75.
"'Well, I can.
'" LAUGHTER "One day, he saw that Mrs Boggins, the postmistress, was waving at him from the side of theroad.
"Her car had broken down.
'I'd better pull over and help her,' he thought.
"But it wasn't Mrs Boggins, was it? No, she was tied up in the boot.
"It was one of the gang with a wig on.
"As soon as Cyril got out of the van, "they punched him so hard, he landed upside down in a blackberry bush, "his little legs wiggling to get free.
"They jumped into the van and drove off with all the prisoners cheering.
"But Frank, the clever spider, crawled into the back of the sat-nav and it took them to prison anyway.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Cyril The Screw.
I mean, the merchandise for that alone I'll never need to work again.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? I am launching a new app.
People like apps, don't they? All the kids have got their phones.
A lot of the apps are all about meeting people and socialising and I noticed that people don't like other people and they don't like to socialise and have sex with people, so I've launched an app where if you're in a room, you can see the people in the room and instead of befriending them or having sex with them, you can report them for being a wanker and have them removed from the area, so my new app Wankr, based on the popular apps Tinder and Grindr, whatever that is.
Guys who like pepper mills, I imagine.
So Wankr's a new app, you pop it on your phone.
Any phone will do.
There we go.
It'll show you people in the area who are also on the Wankr app.
And then it's down to you to speculate, so I always say, "Slide it east if that's a beast "and you send the wankers west side.
" So let's say for the sake of argument, Jimmy, you weren't a wanker.
I'd slide you to the east, then we nominate the next person who might be a wanker or not.
Say that person was a wanker Obviously, we're dealing in fiction here.
You'd slide to the west and you'd be given a little "thank you for reporting a wanker" sign.
If enough people in an area nominate someone a wanker, my staff arrive and have them removed from the building.
Wherever you are is safe of one more wanker.
I think that's just what social media needs as well - more forums for bullying.
It doesn't get said enough, Sean.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty! APPLAUSE David says he doesn't like snakes or mayonnaise.
Yeah, I've had that dream.
David, are you the sort of person that's interested in technology? - Yeah, I just got that one, the, um - Violin? - No, the LAUGHTER I got a pizza wheel.
You never see anyone sad with a pizza wheel.
You never see Jamie Oliver like "You tell me it's full, but my heart is empty.
" I didn't know what they were called.
I'd just seen them on shows, so I had to go to shops and try and describe And it's hard to describe.
You know, like, do you have a You know, it's like an infinity knife, whatever.
- LAUGHTER - You're like, "You know, trundle blade.
" And they'll be like, "No.
" I ended up getting one in IKEA, Susie, and it was 1.
99.
And it was called a Vag Kernel.
- It should be called the infinity knife.
It's a much better name than anything I've heard.
- Thank you.
With David, of course, Susie Dent! Yay! APPLAUSE Susie likes her books like she likes her men - lined up next to each other and preferably covered inleather.
Susie, you recently reached your 25th anniversary of being on Countdown.
How did you celebrate? I got a whole lot of lovely Arsene Wenger stuff.
I got a signed photograph, a special letter.
I know, I'm the only person in the world who would appreciate this.
It was a complete surprise.
I had no idea.
It almost came out, but Rachel stopped one particular person.
Right before we filmed her 25th anniversary special, one of these contestants came over and started congratulating her, - so I gave him the look that just says, "Shut up now!" - I know that look.
He kept talking and it was just me, him and Susie, so all I could do in the panic was I stood in between them and went, "Fuck off!" And just hoped that Susie wouldn't notice! - And she didn't.
- I didn't.
In charge of numbers we've got Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel is the classic girl next door.
That is if you live next door to a maths genius who has wasted her talents playing televised sudoku.
The prize that we're competing for tonight is the Countdown Sandpit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER OK, everyone, time for our first game.
Jon and Jon, you're to pick the letters.
Oh, it's my Wankr app friends.
Oh, no LAUGHTER - He's the wanker! - APPLAUSE It's the wrong Jon.
- You were very lucky they didn't get you.
- I know.
I'm main Jon now.
You're main Jon.
OK, main Jon, pick some letters.
- Can I have three vowels? - Thanks, Jon.
O, I, I.
And then three consonants.
- Y - Uh-oh! - T How did you fuck this up? This is sort of the easy bit.
Well, that's the shit kicked out of them! LAUGHTER Have you rolled up your little cardie sleeves? - Jon - This is fighting Jon.
Jon, I've done it wrong even just picking the letters, mate.
What have you done? I was gone for five seconds.
Did you just say all the ones you don't usually use? - Let's have another vowel.
- A.
- You're just better at this, aren't you? - And a consonant.
- G.
And another consonant, please.
- And S.
- OK, for the first time today, here's the countdown clock.
LAUGHTER 'Sometimes Jimmy can be a right arsehole.
I still would, though.
'Numbers round next.
'If anyone spots my calculator, I am screwed.
'It's such a shame Jon got married.
'I'd let him read my dictionary any time.
' It's a nice bit of kit, that.
Right, Jon, how many? Uha six and a possible seven.
OK.
Other Jon? - I've got a five, a reliable five.
- A reliable five? You've out-Jonned Jon.
- Vic, how many? - I've got a definite five and maybe a seven.
- What are you gonna declare? - I'll go for the seven.
- What about you, Sean? - I've got a six.
- OK, Sara, your five? - Goats.
- Jon, your six? - Gaydio.
- LAUGHTER - This is like a? - It's a gay radio station.
I listen to it in the mornings.
- Well, "gaydar", but no "gaydio" yet.
- Why didn't you go for your seven? - My seven was Sitiday which is - Sorry? - Sitiday, S-I-T-I-D-A-Y.
It's what they call Saturday in New Zealand.
LAUGHTER - NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: Sitiday.
- I'll see you on Sitiday.
OK, Sean, your six? - Idiots.
- And what was your inspiration for that? - The letters I, D, I, O, T and S.
- LAUGHTER Vic, speaking of which, what's your risky seven? - Tidygas.
- Oh, OK.
A thin plume of gas that comes out in a very tidy, thin pipe.
- Tidygas.
- Or it could be gastidy, somewhere that you keep your gases in neat boxes.
- No "tidygas" or "gastidy".
- No "tidygas"? - Not in the dictionary.
Well, six points to Sean.
LAUGHTER David, Susie, could they have done any better? - No, that was - What? - "Digits" is there for six.
- Sean, that's as good as you could have done - six.
- Well done, Sean.
- Thank you.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Vic are in the lead with six points.
- OK, on to our first numbers round.
Sean and Vic, you get to pick the numbers.
- Oh, right.
- Three - No.
- What? - It's too difficult with three big ones.
- What do you reckon then? - Two big ones.
Three big ones makes it impossible.
- Two big ones.
- And four little ones? - Go on then.
Right, and they are 5, 4, 3, 2, and the big ones - 75 and 50.
And the target is 758.
OK, well, your time starts now.
So the target was 758.
Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
- Sara, did you get it? - No.
I was trying to get better at this.
I did that thing where you times the numbers by each other.
I got 2,000.
Call yourself a Jon Richardson! You're just a Sara Pascoe in a beard.
- Don't cry, Sara.
- That's what my mum always says.
- Did you get it, Sean? - Yeah.
- Vic? - I've got near enough.
- Yeah.
- What did you get? - How many did you actually get? - 750.
Tantalisingly close.
Sean, how did you do it? I did it by doing 3 times 5 is 15 - Yeah.
- Times 50.
- 750.
And then 2 times 4.
- 758.
- Wow! - Ten points to Sean.
APPLAUSE - Good.
- Very good.
- Lucky.
- Jon, how did you do it? - I did it exactly the same.
- Ten points to Jon.
- Well done.
- APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are "ride buns".
The clue is "those cheeks are hairy".
Ride buns, those cheeks are hairy.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words are "ride buns", the clue was "those cheeks are hairy" - it was "sideburn".
Sean and Vic are in the lead.
This game is just for Sean and Sara, so, Sean, your turn to choose the letters.
LAUGHTER What are you doing after the show? LAUGHTER - Are you going out for a drink? - Sean, do you fancy a consonant? I think she's being very forward.
LAUGHTER - Sorry? - Do you fancy a consonant? - Oh, is it my go? - Hmm.
I'd like a vowel actually, Rachel, so that shows how little you know me.
- E.
- And then a consonant, please.
- C.
- And then a vowel.
- O.
- Then a consonant.
- T.
- And then a vowel.
- A.
- And then a consonant.
- S.
- And then a vowel.
- O.
- Oh! Then a consonant and then a consonant.
M and R.
And your time starts now.
Oh, hang on.
You stomp up and down a bit.
LAUGHTER Oh, have you got a verruca? LAUGHTER - Would anyone like some wine? I made some wine.
- Cheers, Fabio.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much Oh! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Sean, umI apologise.
He didn't say anything.
I'm terribly sorry.
He's a fucking idiot.
You can see why he doesn't wear any clothes to work, though.
LAUGHTER JIMMY CACKLES I like the fact he just stood there like, "Yeah, that normally happens.
"It always happens when I do this.
" It's on you? It's physically on you? Yeah.
I love the way people here are like the President's been shot.
They're going, "We've got a situation here.
" Fabio's got another glass of wine.
If you spill this on Sean again, you'll be losing teeth.
Give it a crack.
What's he come back with another one for? - Ooooh! - For Vic.
Hooray! APPLAUSE - OK, Sara, how many have you got? - Six.
- Sean, what have you got? - Six.
- I've got a seven.
Do you want to buy it? - I'll buy it.
- I won't buy it.
I'm on your team.
- Oh, yeah, I've got seven.
- LAUGHTER Sara, what's your six? I've got stream, like a lovely, bubbling brook.
S-T-R-E-A-M.
- Stream.
- I've got seven.
- What's your seven? - Scooter.
- Scooter? - Good one.
- We'll let you have that cos you are covered in wine.
I'll drown in Kahlua if there's points going.
LAUGHTER So seven points to Sean.
APPLAUSE David, Susie, could they have done any better? Yes, there's two for eight.
There's "comatose" and "tearooms".
Tearooms? OK, at the end of that, Jon and Sara have ten, Sean and Vic have 23.
APPLAUSE Now time for Vic and Jon to go head-to-head on the numbers, so, Sean, you can stick your shirt on.
- Yeah, I can go and change.
- You go and change.
We'll do the numbers.
Sean Lock, everyone! APPLAUSE - Jon, your turn to pick the numbers.
- You wanted three big before and he didn't let you.
- Yeah.
Now Uncle Grumpy's gone, Daddy's in charge.
Three big, please.
Three big and three little Sean's gonna be angry when he comes back.
- He's always angry.
- Let's have a party while he's gone.
The cool guy's in charge.
All right, the numbers, you've got 5, 9, 3, then your three big ones - 100, 75 and 25.
And the target - 601.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, the target was 601.
Did you get it, Vic? - Near enough.
- I'll take that as a definite no.
- Yeah.
- What did you get? - 605.
- Pretty close.
- It's not bad, is it, for me? - Jon, did you get it? - I got 600.
In much the same way I imagine Vic got 605, then destroyed his own - I did, yeah.
- Jon, how did you get to 600? I said 9 minus 3 is 6.
- 9 minus 3 is 6.
- Multiplied by 100, then very much didn't add 5.
Seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE What way did you do it? - 75, add 25 - 100.
Times 9 minus 3 equals 6.
Ends up as 600.
Then I added the 5.
So you were keeping the other 100 just in case of emergencies? Is it a tough one, Rachel? - Did you have a go? - I've never got one of these.
- So it's a hard one? - Yeah, leave it with me.
- OK, Jon and Sara have 17, Sean and Vic have 23.
APPLAUSE Come on, Sean.
Check you out! Casual Sean.
Yeah - He's in denim.
He's just a nice guy.
- The urge to throw this wine over you now is unbearable.
LAUGHTER - Jimmy, I have finally got it.
- Go on.
How did you do it? You say 100 plus 25, 125.
Minus 3, 122.
Times it by 5 for 610 and take away the 9.
- Oh, wow! - Wow! - APPLAUSE Time now to go to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us? - I've got the bloody party machine, everyone! - Whoo! Yeah, it's here.
What's the time? It's David O'Doherty time! What's the time? - Say, "It's David O'Doherty time.
" - # David O'Doherty time! What's the time? Audience, say it now.
- ALL: David O'Doherty time.
- # Tick, tock, tick, tock It's O'Doherty o'clock Let's go! This song, if you don't enjoy the first line, you're in for a long minute and a half.
LAUGHTER # Bradley Cooper with a pooper-scooper # Then walking along with the steaming bag of doo-doo # George Clooney pulling up a spoon that has fallen down # Through the corroded bottom of his dishwasher cutlery basket # Celebrities doing mundane things # That rhyme with their names # Ruud Gullit is cleaning out his NutriBullet # Steven Gerrard has hoovered up his SIM card # Angelina Jolie can't find her front door key # And she needs to do a wee-wee # La-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la # Justin Bieber defrosting his fridge-freezer # Drake is eating a Battenberg cake # Jay Z up beside his TV # With the remote control really close # Cos the batteries are really low # La-la-la-la, la-la-la # And there's Beyonce having a seance-y # La-la-la-la, la-la-la # Jimmy Carr is peeing into a reservoir # La-la-la-la-la-la # And who's that with him? It's his weird brother, Roger Federer # La-la-la-la-la And who's that also behind the tree? It's Donald Trump # Taking a dump Oh, no, I think I've pushed this song too far CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - You like the song? - Huge! And here is your teaser.
The words are "slick tip".
The clue is "mine's bright red".
"Slick tip".
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were "slick tip", the clue was "mine's bright red" - it was "lipstick".
On with the game.
Jon and Sara, your turn to choose the letters.
Sorry, Jon and Jon.
- Jon? - Can I choose them? - Yes, you can.
- Can I have three vowels? - I'll step in there.
- LAUGHTER - Let's compromise.
We'll have two vowels.
That's fair.
- It is fair.
- E.
I.
- And a consonant, please.
I've stepped in, haven't I? Sorry.
- H.
- You go on.
- Another consonant, please.
- S.
- And a consonant.
- C.
- And a vowel, please.
- E.
- And a consonant.
- D.
- And a vowel, please.
- I.
- And a consonant, please.
Z! - Oh! - OK, and your time starts now.
- Jon, how many letters? - Six.
- Other Jon? - Five.
I'll say five.
- Say five? - Yeah, a sturdy five.
- OK, Vic, how many? - Four! - Four? - Yeah, I'm so disappointed with myself.
- Sean, what did you get? - I got five.
- You got five? - Hmm.
- Vic, let's hear your four and this had better be good.
- Dish.
- Your five? - I've got dices.
- D-I-C-E-S, dices.
- Dices? - Like dices with danger.
- OK.
Sean, your five? - Heeds.
- Heeds.
Like Glaswegian heads? - Yeah.
"Heeds.
" LAUGHTER Jon, your six? - Chides.
- Oh! - Oh! Six points to Jon for "chides".
- Well done.
- APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Susie's got a word that is so good, I don't even know how to say it.
Go on, just have a crack.
"De-his-cay.
" - Dehisce.
- Dehisce? - Yeah.
It's D-E-H-I-S-C-E.
- Wow! - What is that then? - It means to gape or burst open.
Of a pod or a seed.
LAUGHTER Or a cut or a wound.
- To dehisce.
- Yeah.
Susie Dent, everyone.
Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE So, at the end of that, both teams have 23 points, neck and neck.
APPLAUSE Another numbers round.
Sean and Vic, pick the numbers.
Two big ones, please, and the rest from the you-know-where.
From the nether regions of the number world.
Four little ones and they are 1, 5, 6, another 5, and the big ones - 100 and 75.
And the target - 720.
OK, your time starts now.
SNIGGERING I look so pleased.
- What have you done? - I really thought I'd got it.
- How close did you get? - About 750,000 out.
LAUGHTER I thought 75 times 100 was 700.
- 75 times 100 equals 700? - I can see where I went wrong now.
- OK.
Sean, did you get it? - No, I got 725.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes, I think so.
- Other Jon? - I got 701.
- OK, Jon, how did you get it? I said 6 plus 1 is 7.
- 6 plus 1 is 7.
- Times by 100.
- 700.
- I don't like it when Rachel pauses as if to say, "What's this bullshit?" - 75 divided by 5.
- Yeah, that's fine.
Well done.
- 15.
- Add 5.
- Yeah.
- 720, lovely.
- Oh, well done.
- Pretty good.
Ten points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Sara, obviously, I'm loving the look.
- Thank you.
- I love the homage to Jon.
- Have you got any more phrases? - Yeah, maybe that's what's going wrong.
- Classic Jon.
- This is Jon when he's being defensive.
- What's your voice again? - MAKES WHINING SOUND Imagine you've stood on a slowly deflating hamster.
I do have a best friend.
His name is Russell Hobbs and he is a travel kettle.
Fine.
Hobbs don't do a travel kettle, but I'll let it go.
Someone's been mucking around with my pebble collection.
LAUGHTER Have you got anything about his dishwasher? These spoons are in the wrong order.
If it's dishwasher stuff you like, I have about 20 minutes and tickets are still available forthe tour.
LAUGHTER OK, so the scores at the moment, Sean and Vic have 23, Jon and Sara have 33.
APPLAUSE Time to go to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us? Now that we've got a sweet vibe going in the show, I was thinking it's time to talk about my dead dog.
Susie, could you hold these? This is the anniversary of the passing of Florence.
Florence and I had a very unique relationship, something I'd like to tell you about now.
Could we do something with the lights? # Your ears would prick, your tail flick # As my key went in the door # I'd call your name, you'd start to growl # And move menacingly across the floor # And as you thundered down the stairs # Snarling angrily # I'd wonder why I liked you so much # And you always hated me # The first time that you bit me # People said you were just young # The second time, it was the heat # The third, you were only having fun, ha-ha-ha # The fourth time, I needed tetanus # And you got neutered at the vet # She said that it might calm you down # And then you bit me on the leg # I remember the time one Christmas # When you opened all the stuff # I put you out into the garden # And you were furious # You cried so much at this great injustice, I had to let you back in # And you were good for an hour # And then you licked the turkey # Now the post remains uneaten # The bin stays standing up # No-one barks at aeroplanes # Or occasionally shits in my bed # Oh, Florence, there was nothing good about you # I can't think of anything # But I wish that you were still at home # Hating me again # You were a rubbish dog # But a rubbish dog is better than no dog Or a cat - Thank you.
- APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone! And here is your final teaser.
The words are "crap site".
The clue is "I do it over and over again".
That's "crap site - I do it over and over again".
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser "crap site", the clue was "I do it over and over again" - it was "practise".
Time for our final letters game.
Sean and Vic, choose the letters.
- Two from the top.
- LAUGHTER - A consonant.
- M.
- A vowel, please.
- O.
- And another vowel.
- I.
- And a consonant.
- R.
- Oh! - Is that your name? - Isn't that incredible? - LAUGHTER - And a vowel.
- A.
And another vowel.
- E.
- Consonant.
- L.
- Consonant.
- R.
- And a consonant.
And the last one, another L.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
THEY SING OPERATIC ARIA Ta-da! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on, I'll buy everyone a Greggs.
Oh! - I enjoy a fat suit.
- People who see you are gonna think this is a re-run of the show from about eight years ago when you were that size.
And that was the homeless tramp badger, David O'Doherty.
LAUGHTER - OK, how many, Vic? How many did you get? - Six.
- Well done, you.
- Thank you.
- Sean, how many? - Loads of sixes, but no higher than six.
- Loads of sixes? - Yeah, three.
- All right.
Jon? - Six.
- Not that Jon.
I meant the other Jon.
- Six.
- Vic, what was yours? - Remail.
- Remail? - As in send another email? Yeah, well, I was thinking of putting a letter back in the post.
- No.
- Sean, what was your six? - Roamer.
- Roamer? Somebody who roams, mm-hm.
- You know, the roamer.
- Yeah.
- OK, Jon, good Jon? - Roller.
- Roller? R-O-L-L-E-R, someone who rolls or a thing that rolls, whatever.
Evil Jon? - Miller.
- Someone who mills.
- Yeah.
- Six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE David, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah, rallier.
- Yeah, that's there for seven.
- Or armoire.
- A wardrobe.
A wardrobey cupboard for seven.
Seven's as good as you're getting.
OK, so Sean and Vic have 29, Jon and Sara have 39.
APPLAUSE OK, so, Vic, Sean, the best you can hope for here is a draw.
Fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's sort of crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER - Motivates, is it? - Are you telling me or are you asking me? I thought I saw it, but now I'm doubting myself.
You don't need to doubt yourself cos you've goddamn got it! - Did I? - CHEERING So the final scores are Sean and Vic have 29 points, but tonight's runaway winners with 49, Jon and Sara! Congratulations.
You're the proud owners of the Countdown Sandpit.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful audience and all of you watching at home.
Good night!
'Now for your host, Jimmy-y-y-y Ca-a-arr!' Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know the word "asparagus" first appeared in the English language around the year AD 800 and the phrase "asparagus piss" appeared the morning after? The Ancient Romans believed the number 13 was a symbol of death and destruction.
You might think that's superstitious nonsense, but all the Ancient Romans are now dead.
LAUGHTER Pogonophobia is the irrational fear of beards.
Some cultures fear beards as they think a man with a beard has something to hide.
Yeah, his face.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now that Sean's older, he's constantly losing things, specifically, his temper.
I thought you were going to say hair.
I probably should have gone hair.
Now that he's older, Sean is constantly losing things, specifically his hair.
I knew you were gonna say that.
You look like a kind of ancient Simon Pegg.
LAUGHTER And Sean's team-mate, Vic Reeves! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Some people are surprised that Vic Reeves' real name is Jim Moir, but what's the big deal? We all have alter egos.
Online, I'm Candy May Wilson, an 18-year-old cheerleader from Wisconsin.
Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hanging out with Jon Richardson is the social equivalent of stepping on a plug.
Electrifying, you mean.
Joining Jon tonight, Sara Pascoe! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sara is a vegan feminist who loves animals, her favourite being the high horse.
LAUGHTER So, Sean, in your opinion, what makes a man's man? Well, definitely, it doesn't matter what the situation, what's happened, you never flush twice.
LAUGHTER No.
Cos you do what you gotta do, you flush once and then you walk away.
No regrets, no looking back, no trying to sort out the situation.
That's what a man's man does.
APPLAUSE Yeah, yeah.
Do you think John Wayne was ever going, "Oh, oh, there's still a bit"? No! Is there a lot of James Bond, "Oh, God, no! Oh, God, I'll have to wait until the cistern fills up"? No! He's out there.
Grrrr! Grr! Fighting crime, not worrying about something floating around the pan.
- Sara, it says here that you like to perform on a full bladder.
- Oh.
- What's that about? - Before big speeches, Tony Blair used to not go to the toilet.
Apparently, it makes you more dynamic, so I thought I'd try that for stand-up comedy and rather than getting to be Prime Minister, I got cystitis which is a horrible bladder infection.
You have to be near a bathroom at all times.
It makes you feel sad inside and irrational and agitated.
Looking back, it does explain a lot of Tony Blair's decisions.
That entire war could have been avoided with some cranberry juice.
OK.
Jon, you are meticulous about everything.
What are your top tips for keeping the house tidy? Ohh! Good.
Nice.
Well, first and foremost, never love anyone or welcome them into your life or home.
But you've got a wife and child.
- Oh, I've made a mistake, yes.
- LAUGHTER You asked me what the tip was and I would say with hindsight, put your cleanliness ahead of yourhappiness, so don't have any pets, don't fall in love, don't have friends, keep your door locked.
Then have a good clean around, sit down, don't move.
Failing that, tin foil in the bottom of your baking trays, your grill pan and the bottom of the oven as well.
You have a pizza, a bit slides off.
Instead of burning, stinking the house out and having to clean the oven, take the foil out and put more foil down.
- So, that, either no love or foil.
- JIMMY SIGHS LOUDLY Sorry, I just slightly lost the will to live halfway through that.
I double-fold it, I didn't mention that.
If you put In a fan oven, pop a little baking tray on there or some baking beads to weigh it down.
- Baking beads? - Baking beads, you know, your ceramic beads.
- Ceramic baking beads? - These are made-up things.
- You've got to blind-bake your pastry for your flan.
- What?! - This is basic.
- Even I know about baking beads.
- Do you? How did you not get the Bake Off job? You would've been an excellent pair.
Yeah, but one has to be the light-hearted, fun one.
- That's you, Sean.
- I could do all the innuendos.
Like, "That eclair looks like a cock.
" LAUGHTER We're gonna need to work on that, but it's a great idea.
Stick it in your gob.
Stick it in your gob.
I could do that.
I could do that all day long.
That doughnut, I tell you what you could do with that doughnut! You could get Paul's knob and shove it in the doughnut hole.
What about that? That's wrong.
I've got to scale back from there.
- Yeah.
- Just go, "Oh, lovely hole on that doughnut!" LAUGHTER Jon, do you have any Bake Off innuendos? You should have auditioned for it.
I'll set you up.
Oh, they're baking a carrot cake over here.
Oh, carrots are orange and some people have orange hair and possibly also orange pubic hair.
LAUGHTER You could have got there in one.
Just so I learn, I'll tee YOU up, then you tell me what I should have done.
They're baking a carrot cake.
God, I bet that'd be nice rubbed all over your tits.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE He's He's very - He's really good at it.
- Very direct, I find you.
Effortless, I would say.
Anyway, I've got another one for Jon.
- Go on.
- Oh, look, that lady is making some cup cakes.
Shit on 'em and put 'em in my ears.
LAUGHTER I mean It's not the German Bake Off! LAUGHTER - Vic, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I've got - I've got this.
- Oh! - What is it? - This.
LAUGHTER - Oh, yes, it does say - "This.
" I was on Greenwich beach down in front of the Maritime Museum with some friends and they said, "What are you looking for?" I spotted that and I said, "I'm looking for this.
" - LAUGHTER - In fact Here's the thing.
My wife once, she rang me up.
She'd not been to Greenwich before and I said, "Where are you?" She said, "I'm in front of the Marmite Museum.
" I said, "Do you mean the Maritime Museum?" She looked and said, "Yes, I thought it was a bit grand for a Marmite Museum.
" - So I've brought this.
- I like it.
- Sara, have you got a mascot? - I have and I'm very excited about it.
- What is it? - I'm not very good at this game, the maths or the spelling.
- I really want to be good at it.
- Two of the key aspects.
- They're the main bits, actually, Jon.
So I am dressing up as the person who I know is the best at Countdown.
It's gonna be What's it called when you're not making fun of someone, but it's like a nice thing you're doing? - A homage? - Yeah, a homage, a tribute.
- I'm doing a tribute.
I'm channelling Jon Richardson Oh, my God! You're already a little bit more boring.
I've got all his best catchphrases written down, so I can say them through the game to myself.
- Can we hear a catchphrase? - Yeah, while I put my beard on.
I like my milk hot and my hot-water bottles even hotter.
But what if there's a germ in there? I won't come to your birthday, but save me some washing-up.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Oh, God! - Well, that is - Oh, that's awful.
- That is - Oh, I don't like it.
- Wow! - Is that what I look like? - Yeah, that's exactly what you look like.
Look at us.
Look at these hot, young kids.
- This is one of them homages where you're not taking the piss? - No.
- Are you gonna wear that for the whole time? - "Are you gonna wear that for the whole time?" - OK Sean, did you bring your mascot? I've noticed recently that a very easy way to turn a dollar is kids' books.
They're all at it.
Everyone's at it.
And I had a successful bash at it with my, um The Tiger Who Went For A Pint.
And I thought I'm gonna get into the kids' book market.
It's easy.
It's a piece of piss.
I reckon I can write them quicker than they can read 'em.
- LAUGHTER - That's how easy it is.
I thought, "We've got Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, Bob The Builder.
Time for a prison guard.
" So I've created Cyril The Screw.
LAUGHTER - Oh, he's very good.
- He's good, isn't he? There's Cyril.
There he is.
And I'm gonna read you the story of Cyril The Screw.
- That's lovely.
- "This is Cyril.
He's a prison officer.
He likes his job.
"He drives his prison van from the court to jail and he's very proud of his prison van.
"Cyril's best friend is a spider called Frank.
" LAUGHTER "Frank goes around the van listening to the prisoners.
"'Must stop being so naughty!' - "'Blooming DNA!'" - LAUGHTER HE CACKLES "As Cyril drives the naughty people to prison, "he likes to point out places that might be of interest.
"'Look, lads, at The Red Lion you can have a pie and a pint for £5.
75.
"'Well, I can.
'" LAUGHTER "One day, he saw that Mrs Boggins, the postmistress, was waving at him from the side of theroad.
"Her car had broken down.
'I'd better pull over and help her,' he thought.
"But it wasn't Mrs Boggins, was it? No, she was tied up in the boot.
"It was one of the gang with a wig on.
"As soon as Cyril got out of the van, "they punched him so hard, he landed upside down in a blackberry bush, "his little legs wiggling to get free.
"They jumped into the van and drove off with all the prisoners cheering.
"But Frank, the clever spider, crawled into the back of the sat-nav and it took them to prison anyway.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Cyril The Screw.
I mean, the merchandise for that alone I'll never need to work again.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? I am launching a new app.
People like apps, don't they? All the kids have got their phones.
A lot of the apps are all about meeting people and socialising and I noticed that people don't like other people and they don't like to socialise and have sex with people, so I've launched an app where if you're in a room, you can see the people in the room and instead of befriending them or having sex with them, you can report them for being a wanker and have them removed from the area, so my new app Wankr, based on the popular apps Tinder and Grindr, whatever that is.
Guys who like pepper mills, I imagine.
So Wankr's a new app, you pop it on your phone.
Any phone will do.
There we go.
It'll show you people in the area who are also on the Wankr app.
And then it's down to you to speculate, so I always say, "Slide it east if that's a beast "and you send the wankers west side.
" So let's say for the sake of argument, Jimmy, you weren't a wanker.
I'd slide you to the east, then we nominate the next person who might be a wanker or not.
Say that person was a wanker Obviously, we're dealing in fiction here.
You'd slide to the west and you'd be given a little "thank you for reporting a wanker" sign.
If enough people in an area nominate someone a wanker, my staff arrive and have them removed from the building.
Wherever you are is safe of one more wanker.
I think that's just what social media needs as well - more forums for bullying.
It doesn't get said enough, Sean.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty! APPLAUSE David says he doesn't like snakes or mayonnaise.
Yeah, I've had that dream.
David, are you the sort of person that's interested in technology? - Yeah, I just got that one, the, um - Violin? - No, the LAUGHTER I got a pizza wheel.
You never see anyone sad with a pizza wheel.
You never see Jamie Oliver like "You tell me it's full, but my heart is empty.
" I didn't know what they were called.
I'd just seen them on shows, so I had to go to shops and try and describe And it's hard to describe.
You know, like, do you have a You know, it's like an infinity knife, whatever.
- LAUGHTER - You're like, "You know, trundle blade.
" And they'll be like, "No.
" I ended up getting one in IKEA, Susie, and it was 1.
99.
And it was called a Vag Kernel.
- It should be called the infinity knife.
It's a much better name than anything I've heard.
- Thank you.
With David, of course, Susie Dent! Yay! APPLAUSE Susie likes her books like she likes her men - lined up next to each other and preferably covered inleather.
Susie, you recently reached your 25th anniversary of being on Countdown.
How did you celebrate? I got a whole lot of lovely Arsene Wenger stuff.
I got a signed photograph, a special letter.
I know, I'm the only person in the world who would appreciate this.
It was a complete surprise.
I had no idea.
It almost came out, but Rachel stopped one particular person.
Right before we filmed her 25th anniversary special, one of these contestants came over and started congratulating her, - so I gave him the look that just says, "Shut up now!" - I know that look.
He kept talking and it was just me, him and Susie, so all I could do in the panic was I stood in between them and went, "Fuck off!" And just hoped that Susie wouldn't notice! - And she didn't.
- I didn't.
In charge of numbers we've got Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel is the classic girl next door.
That is if you live next door to a maths genius who has wasted her talents playing televised sudoku.
The prize that we're competing for tonight is the Countdown Sandpit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER OK, everyone, time for our first game.
Jon and Jon, you're to pick the letters.
Oh, it's my Wankr app friends.
Oh, no LAUGHTER - He's the wanker! - APPLAUSE It's the wrong Jon.
- You were very lucky they didn't get you.
- I know.
I'm main Jon now.
You're main Jon.
OK, main Jon, pick some letters.
- Can I have three vowels? - Thanks, Jon.
O, I, I.
And then three consonants.
- Y - Uh-oh! - T How did you fuck this up? This is sort of the easy bit.
Well, that's the shit kicked out of them! LAUGHTER Have you rolled up your little cardie sleeves? - Jon - This is fighting Jon.
Jon, I've done it wrong even just picking the letters, mate.
What have you done? I was gone for five seconds.
Did you just say all the ones you don't usually use? - Let's have another vowel.
- A.
- You're just better at this, aren't you? - And a consonant.
- G.
And another consonant, please.
- And S.
- OK, for the first time today, here's the countdown clock.
LAUGHTER 'Sometimes Jimmy can be a right arsehole.
I still would, though.
'Numbers round next.
'If anyone spots my calculator, I am screwed.
'It's such a shame Jon got married.
'I'd let him read my dictionary any time.
' It's a nice bit of kit, that.
Right, Jon, how many? Uha six and a possible seven.
OK.
Other Jon? - I've got a five, a reliable five.
- A reliable five? You've out-Jonned Jon.
- Vic, how many? - I've got a definite five and maybe a seven.
- What are you gonna declare? - I'll go for the seven.
- What about you, Sean? - I've got a six.
- OK, Sara, your five? - Goats.
- Jon, your six? - Gaydio.
- LAUGHTER - This is like a? - It's a gay radio station.
I listen to it in the mornings.
- Well, "gaydar", but no "gaydio" yet.
- Why didn't you go for your seven? - My seven was Sitiday which is - Sorry? - Sitiday, S-I-T-I-D-A-Y.
It's what they call Saturday in New Zealand.
LAUGHTER - NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: Sitiday.
- I'll see you on Sitiday.
OK, Sean, your six? - Idiots.
- And what was your inspiration for that? - The letters I, D, I, O, T and S.
- LAUGHTER Vic, speaking of which, what's your risky seven? - Tidygas.
- Oh, OK.
A thin plume of gas that comes out in a very tidy, thin pipe.
- Tidygas.
- Or it could be gastidy, somewhere that you keep your gases in neat boxes.
- No "tidygas" or "gastidy".
- No "tidygas"? - Not in the dictionary.
Well, six points to Sean.
LAUGHTER David, Susie, could they have done any better? - No, that was - What? - "Digits" is there for six.
- Sean, that's as good as you could have done - six.
- Well done, Sean.
- Thank you.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Vic are in the lead with six points.
- OK, on to our first numbers round.
Sean and Vic, you get to pick the numbers.
- Oh, right.
- Three - No.
- What? - It's too difficult with three big ones.
- What do you reckon then? - Two big ones.
Three big ones makes it impossible.
- Two big ones.
- And four little ones? - Go on then.
Right, and they are 5, 4, 3, 2, and the big ones - 75 and 50.
And the target is 758.
OK, well, your time starts now.
So the target was 758.
Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
- Sara, did you get it? - No.
I was trying to get better at this.
I did that thing where you times the numbers by each other.
I got 2,000.
Call yourself a Jon Richardson! You're just a Sara Pascoe in a beard.
- Don't cry, Sara.
- That's what my mum always says.
- Did you get it, Sean? - Yeah.
- Vic? - I've got near enough.
- Yeah.
- What did you get? - How many did you actually get? - 750.
Tantalisingly close.
Sean, how did you do it? I did it by doing 3 times 5 is 15 - Yeah.
- Times 50.
- 750.
And then 2 times 4.
- 758.
- Wow! - Ten points to Sean.
APPLAUSE - Good.
- Very good.
- Lucky.
- Jon, how did you do it? - I did it exactly the same.
- Ten points to Jon.
- Well done.
- APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are "ride buns".
The clue is "those cheeks are hairy".
Ride buns, those cheeks are hairy.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words are "ride buns", the clue was "those cheeks are hairy" - it was "sideburn".
Sean and Vic are in the lead.
This game is just for Sean and Sara, so, Sean, your turn to choose the letters.
LAUGHTER What are you doing after the show? LAUGHTER - Are you going out for a drink? - Sean, do you fancy a consonant? I think she's being very forward.
LAUGHTER - Sorry? - Do you fancy a consonant? - Oh, is it my go? - Hmm.
I'd like a vowel actually, Rachel, so that shows how little you know me.
- E.
- And then a consonant, please.
- C.
- And then a vowel.
- O.
- Then a consonant.
- T.
- And then a vowel.
- A.
- And then a consonant.
- S.
- And then a vowel.
- O.
- Oh! Then a consonant and then a consonant.
M and R.
And your time starts now.
Oh, hang on.
You stomp up and down a bit.
LAUGHTER Oh, have you got a verruca? LAUGHTER - Would anyone like some wine? I made some wine.
- Cheers, Fabio.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much Oh! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Sean, umI apologise.
He didn't say anything.
I'm terribly sorry.
He's a fucking idiot.
You can see why he doesn't wear any clothes to work, though.
LAUGHTER JIMMY CACKLES I like the fact he just stood there like, "Yeah, that normally happens.
"It always happens when I do this.
" It's on you? It's physically on you? Yeah.
I love the way people here are like the President's been shot.
They're going, "We've got a situation here.
" Fabio's got another glass of wine.
If you spill this on Sean again, you'll be losing teeth.
Give it a crack.
What's he come back with another one for? - Ooooh! - For Vic.
Hooray! APPLAUSE - OK, Sara, how many have you got? - Six.
- Sean, what have you got? - Six.
- I've got a seven.
Do you want to buy it? - I'll buy it.
- I won't buy it.
I'm on your team.
- Oh, yeah, I've got seven.
- LAUGHTER Sara, what's your six? I've got stream, like a lovely, bubbling brook.
S-T-R-E-A-M.
- Stream.
- I've got seven.
- What's your seven? - Scooter.
- Scooter? - Good one.
- We'll let you have that cos you are covered in wine.
I'll drown in Kahlua if there's points going.
LAUGHTER So seven points to Sean.
APPLAUSE David, Susie, could they have done any better? Yes, there's two for eight.
There's "comatose" and "tearooms".
Tearooms? OK, at the end of that, Jon and Sara have ten, Sean and Vic have 23.
APPLAUSE Now time for Vic and Jon to go head-to-head on the numbers, so, Sean, you can stick your shirt on.
- Yeah, I can go and change.
- You go and change.
We'll do the numbers.
Sean Lock, everyone! APPLAUSE - Jon, your turn to pick the numbers.
- You wanted three big before and he didn't let you.
- Yeah.
Now Uncle Grumpy's gone, Daddy's in charge.
Three big, please.
Three big and three little Sean's gonna be angry when he comes back.
- He's always angry.
- Let's have a party while he's gone.
The cool guy's in charge.
All right, the numbers, you've got 5, 9, 3, then your three big ones - 100, 75 and 25.
And the target - 601.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, the target was 601.
Did you get it, Vic? - Near enough.
- I'll take that as a definite no.
- Yeah.
- What did you get? - 605.
- Pretty close.
- It's not bad, is it, for me? - Jon, did you get it? - I got 600.
In much the same way I imagine Vic got 605, then destroyed his own - I did, yeah.
- Jon, how did you get to 600? I said 9 minus 3 is 6.
- 9 minus 3 is 6.
- Multiplied by 100, then very much didn't add 5.
Seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE What way did you do it? - 75, add 25 - 100.
Times 9 minus 3 equals 6.
Ends up as 600.
Then I added the 5.
So you were keeping the other 100 just in case of emergencies? Is it a tough one, Rachel? - Did you have a go? - I've never got one of these.
- So it's a hard one? - Yeah, leave it with me.
- OK, Jon and Sara have 17, Sean and Vic have 23.
APPLAUSE Come on, Sean.
Check you out! Casual Sean.
Yeah - He's in denim.
He's just a nice guy.
- The urge to throw this wine over you now is unbearable.
LAUGHTER - Jimmy, I have finally got it.
- Go on.
How did you do it? You say 100 plus 25, 125.
Minus 3, 122.
Times it by 5 for 610 and take away the 9.
- Oh, wow! - Wow! - APPLAUSE Time now to go to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us? - I've got the bloody party machine, everyone! - Whoo! Yeah, it's here.
What's the time? It's David O'Doherty time! What's the time? - Say, "It's David O'Doherty time.
" - # David O'Doherty time! What's the time? Audience, say it now.
- ALL: David O'Doherty time.
- # Tick, tock, tick, tock It's O'Doherty o'clock Let's go! This song, if you don't enjoy the first line, you're in for a long minute and a half.
LAUGHTER # Bradley Cooper with a pooper-scooper # Then walking along with the steaming bag of doo-doo # George Clooney pulling up a spoon that has fallen down # Through the corroded bottom of his dishwasher cutlery basket # Celebrities doing mundane things # That rhyme with their names # Ruud Gullit is cleaning out his NutriBullet # Steven Gerrard has hoovered up his SIM card # Angelina Jolie can't find her front door key # And she needs to do a wee-wee # La-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la # Justin Bieber defrosting his fridge-freezer # Drake is eating a Battenberg cake # Jay Z up beside his TV # With the remote control really close # Cos the batteries are really low # La-la-la-la, la-la-la # And there's Beyonce having a seance-y # La-la-la-la, la-la-la # Jimmy Carr is peeing into a reservoir # La-la-la-la-la-la # And who's that with him? It's his weird brother, Roger Federer # La-la-la-la-la And who's that also behind the tree? It's Donald Trump # Taking a dump Oh, no, I think I've pushed this song too far CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - You like the song? - Huge! And here is your teaser.
The words are "slick tip".
The clue is "mine's bright red".
"Slick tip".
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were "slick tip", the clue was "mine's bright red" - it was "lipstick".
On with the game.
Jon and Sara, your turn to choose the letters.
Sorry, Jon and Jon.
- Jon? - Can I choose them? - Yes, you can.
- Can I have three vowels? - I'll step in there.
- LAUGHTER - Let's compromise.
We'll have two vowels.
That's fair.
- It is fair.
- E.
I.
- And a consonant, please.
I've stepped in, haven't I? Sorry.
- H.
- You go on.
- Another consonant, please.
- S.
- And a consonant.
- C.
- And a vowel, please.
- E.
- And a consonant.
- D.
- And a vowel, please.
- I.
- And a consonant, please.
Z! - Oh! - OK, and your time starts now.
- Jon, how many letters? - Six.
- Other Jon? - Five.
I'll say five.
- Say five? - Yeah, a sturdy five.
- OK, Vic, how many? - Four! - Four? - Yeah, I'm so disappointed with myself.
- Sean, what did you get? - I got five.
- You got five? - Hmm.
- Vic, let's hear your four and this had better be good.
- Dish.
- Your five? - I've got dices.
- D-I-C-E-S, dices.
- Dices? - Like dices with danger.
- OK.
Sean, your five? - Heeds.
- Heeds.
Like Glaswegian heads? - Yeah.
"Heeds.
" LAUGHTER Jon, your six? - Chides.
- Oh! - Oh! Six points to Jon for "chides".
- Well done.
- APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Susie's got a word that is so good, I don't even know how to say it.
Go on, just have a crack.
"De-his-cay.
" - Dehisce.
- Dehisce? - Yeah.
It's D-E-H-I-S-C-E.
- Wow! - What is that then? - It means to gape or burst open.
Of a pod or a seed.
LAUGHTER Or a cut or a wound.
- To dehisce.
- Yeah.
Susie Dent, everyone.
Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE So, at the end of that, both teams have 23 points, neck and neck.
APPLAUSE Another numbers round.
Sean and Vic, pick the numbers.
Two big ones, please, and the rest from the you-know-where.
From the nether regions of the number world.
Four little ones and they are 1, 5, 6, another 5, and the big ones - 100 and 75.
And the target - 720.
OK, your time starts now.
SNIGGERING I look so pleased.
- What have you done? - I really thought I'd got it.
- How close did you get? - About 750,000 out.
LAUGHTER I thought 75 times 100 was 700.
- 75 times 100 equals 700? - I can see where I went wrong now.
- OK.
Sean, did you get it? - No, I got 725.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes, I think so.
- Other Jon? - I got 701.
- OK, Jon, how did you get it? I said 6 plus 1 is 7.
- 6 plus 1 is 7.
- Times by 100.
- 700.
- I don't like it when Rachel pauses as if to say, "What's this bullshit?" - 75 divided by 5.
- Yeah, that's fine.
Well done.
- 15.
- Add 5.
- Yeah.
- 720, lovely.
- Oh, well done.
- Pretty good.
Ten points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Sara, obviously, I'm loving the look.
- Thank you.
- I love the homage to Jon.
- Have you got any more phrases? - Yeah, maybe that's what's going wrong.
- Classic Jon.
- This is Jon when he's being defensive.
- What's your voice again? - MAKES WHINING SOUND Imagine you've stood on a slowly deflating hamster.
I do have a best friend.
His name is Russell Hobbs and he is a travel kettle.
Fine.
Hobbs don't do a travel kettle, but I'll let it go.
Someone's been mucking around with my pebble collection.
LAUGHTER Have you got anything about his dishwasher? These spoons are in the wrong order.
If it's dishwasher stuff you like, I have about 20 minutes and tickets are still available forthe tour.
LAUGHTER OK, so the scores at the moment, Sean and Vic have 23, Jon and Sara have 33.
APPLAUSE Time to go to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us? Now that we've got a sweet vibe going in the show, I was thinking it's time to talk about my dead dog.
Susie, could you hold these? This is the anniversary of the passing of Florence.
Florence and I had a very unique relationship, something I'd like to tell you about now.
Could we do something with the lights? # Your ears would prick, your tail flick # As my key went in the door # I'd call your name, you'd start to growl # And move menacingly across the floor # And as you thundered down the stairs # Snarling angrily # I'd wonder why I liked you so much # And you always hated me # The first time that you bit me # People said you were just young # The second time, it was the heat # The third, you were only having fun, ha-ha-ha # The fourth time, I needed tetanus # And you got neutered at the vet # She said that it might calm you down # And then you bit me on the leg # I remember the time one Christmas # When you opened all the stuff # I put you out into the garden # And you were furious # You cried so much at this great injustice, I had to let you back in # And you were good for an hour # And then you licked the turkey # Now the post remains uneaten # The bin stays standing up # No-one barks at aeroplanes # Or occasionally shits in my bed # Oh, Florence, there was nothing good about you # I can't think of anything # But I wish that you were still at home # Hating me again # You were a rubbish dog # But a rubbish dog is better than no dog Or a cat - Thank you.
- APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone! And here is your final teaser.
The words are "crap site".
The clue is "I do it over and over again".
That's "crap site - I do it over and over again".
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser "crap site", the clue was "I do it over and over again" - it was "practise".
Time for our final letters game.
Sean and Vic, choose the letters.
- Two from the top.
- LAUGHTER - A consonant.
- M.
- A vowel, please.
- O.
- And another vowel.
- I.
- And a consonant.
- R.
- Oh! - Is that your name? - Isn't that incredible? - LAUGHTER - And a vowel.
- A.
And another vowel.
- E.
- Consonant.
- L.
- Consonant.
- R.
- And a consonant.
And the last one, another L.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
THEY SING OPERATIC ARIA Ta-da! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on, I'll buy everyone a Greggs.
Oh! - I enjoy a fat suit.
- People who see you are gonna think this is a re-run of the show from about eight years ago when you were that size.
And that was the homeless tramp badger, David O'Doherty.
LAUGHTER - OK, how many, Vic? How many did you get? - Six.
- Well done, you.
- Thank you.
- Sean, how many? - Loads of sixes, but no higher than six.
- Loads of sixes? - Yeah, three.
- All right.
Jon? - Six.
- Not that Jon.
I meant the other Jon.
- Six.
- Vic, what was yours? - Remail.
- Remail? - As in send another email? Yeah, well, I was thinking of putting a letter back in the post.
- No.
- Sean, what was your six? - Roamer.
- Roamer? Somebody who roams, mm-hm.
- You know, the roamer.
- Yeah.
- OK, Jon, good Jon? - Roller.
- Roller? R-O-L-L-E-R, someone who rolls or a thing that rolls, whatever.
Evil Jon? - Miller.
- Someone who mills.
- Yeah.
- Six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE David, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah, rallier.
- Yeah, that's there for seven.
- Or armoire.
- A wardrobe.
A wardrobey cupboard for seven.
Seven's as good as you're getting.
OK, so Sean and Vic have 29, Jon and Sara have 39.
APPLAUSE OK, so, Vic, Sean, the best you can hope for here is a draw.
Fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's sort of crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER - Motivates, is it? - Are you telling me or are you asking me? I thought I saw it, but now I'm doubting myself.
You don't need to doubt yourself cos you've goddamn got it! - Did I? - CHEERING So the final scores are Sean and Vic have 29 points, but tonight's runaway winners with 49, Jon and Sara! Congratulations.
You're the proud owners of the Countdown Sandpit.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful audience and all of you watching at home.
Good night!