Archer s12e04 Episode Script

Oh. Hello, there.
You're probably wondering
what we're doing.
Short answer
saving the Earth again.
You know, with all
the problems in the world,
some people think environmental
work isn't important.
- We disagree.
- And when our help is needed
to get a baby gorilla back to her
habitat in the African mountains,
well, to us,
to this anti-poaching squad,
and to our agency, it's the most
important thing in the world.
Then we pan to the baby gorilla.
Tiny hand just
reaching out of the cage.
Like she's reaching out to us.
- It's cynical.
- Empty.
But effective!
- Just like your agency.
- I know, right?
But beyond the obvious pandering,
why do you even need this?
Isn't the spy thing
meant to be a secret?
Who am I to say we
shouldn't tell everyone
the awesome things we do?
- We are not telling everyone.
- Shouldn't we, though?
The photos and videos
will only be uploaded
- to Global Spy Wire.
- Great branding.
And it'll show a softer
side to your agency.
- So soft.
- Baby soft.
- Enchiladas in your shoes soft.
- Tamales in your zapatos soft.
- Are you as hungry as I am?
- Ugh, hungrier.
Good to know that
capitalism is alive and well.
Hey, if it helps us get business
and we're helping the environment,
- it's kind of a win-win, right?
- Don't you think you should
help just for the environment,
not for the publicity?
Um, not when I'm
this great on camera.
Ha, whoever said acting was hard?
- No one.
- Nobody?
- Nobody.
- Really? I'm sure it was someone.
Voltaire maybe?
That sounds right.
Well, he was an idiot.
Yes. Yes, exactly, yes.
I guess I should thank you guys
for coming on such short notice.
Honestly, it's nice
to be out of the house.
- Robert's been a little, um
- Let's not get off topic.
We might need a couple more takes.
Which would be Lana's fault,
since I'm pretty sure I nailed it.
- We want you to highlight the brand.
- For a clear corporate identity.
- Whether that's B2B.
- B2C.
- Bea Arthur.
- BRB. You are nailing this.
Does that mean say
the name of the agency?
Jesus, was a marketing
degree worth that?
- It was, and it wasn't.
- So did we finally pick a name?
Better. We have tons of options.
Wait. Where are my suggestions?
Like Archer's Angels?
Fun-dercover?
- Those were gold.
- Yeah maybe we'll revisit this in
- a more positive headspace.
- Great. Then if you're done
And what about Spy-cial?
- You can't say no.
- No.
Look your job here is
pretty straightforward.
This squad saved that
baby gorilla from poachers.
Oh, man.
Do not let me look at that
baby gorilla in the eyes.
- Ugh. Not this again.
- Lana, you're just jealous
that my soul lovingly connects
to the pure animals of the world,
- but yours makes them hate you.
- Hey. That is not true.
Hey, buddy, come on.
You don't need to
take care of the gorilla.
Just help safely get
everyone to the mountain pass
where their habitat is.
Everyone meaning us,
the anti-poaching squad,
the baby gorilla, and
the Cloud B marketers?
Oh, no, we won't be
joining you too busy.
Turns out central Africa
has several exclusive resorts.
- Which means room service.
- Spa service.
Stealing cotton robes!
So, Sandra, we're leaving
you in charge of the camera.
Oh, hard pass.
I am here to act as the UN liaison.
Then you can liaise the
camera into your hands.
You know, Lana, you
might want to use this time
- to reconnect with your roots.
- Uh, what?
Africa.
It is your birthright.
Since Africa is nothing like Berkeley,
where I'm from, it's really not.
As the liaison, are you in charge
of the anti-poaching squad?
In charge of them?
- That is such a colonial mindset.
- Actually, I am in charge.
- Wow. What is her story?
- That's Neva.
She leads the anti-poaching
squad's rescue missions
and is responsible for saving
- over two dozen endangered species.
- He meant is she single?
I appreciate you helping
with the expedition.
We may be quietly judging your photos,
but we'll tolerate them
since your agency
- Spy-cial.
- Made a sizable contribution to us.
This won't be an easy trip,
so we need all the help we can get.
We'll take the Land Rovers to the river,
then canoe to the base of the mountain.
Then we'll hike to the
cross-river gorilla refuge.
It's a very rare breed but vital
to the mountain's ecosystem.
Because they help seed disbursement,
which effects tree growth.
- I studied environmental science.
- So did I.
- Me too.
- Nerd burn.
Look, take your photos,
but do not get in the way.
- Of course. We understand that.
- Unrelated
maybe Neva
and I should get some photos
of the two of us while we're
here, because, you know
Or we stay focused.
My crew knows this terrain. You do not.
And since medevacs are expensive,
keep an eye out for dangers
- snakes, hippos, crocodiles.
- Crocodiles?
You had to know there'd
be wild animals in the wild.
Crocodiles aren't animals.
They're prehistoric
underwater dinosaurs.
But, luckily, I brought some friends.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You cannot bring those with us.
What?
It's literally a jungle out there.
The UN mandate said no guns!
- There was a mandate for this?
- Yeah.
It also included working with an
all-female anti-poaching squad.
The UN found when they give
the expedition money to men,
they spend it on booze and whores.
Ahh.
Like the UN knows anything.
And, uh, by the way,
we say sex workers now.
Jeezy Petes. Is there
anything you won't do for money?
As part of our rebranding,
we can charge more
for our services if we do
an environmental upgrade.
There are really basic qualifications
we should have already been following.
- Nevertheless
- This says we've been dumping
- our waste into local parks!
- Nevertheless!
The money we get isn't nearly
as much as the upgrade cost.
So, instead, Dr. Krieger designed
environmentally friendly
smart light bulbs and thermostats.
I call it Cerebrus
totally different from Cerebro.
- Uh, is Krieger the best idea for this?
- Since he'll do it for free, yes.
Doesn't it seem way more likely
- that Cerebrus is
- It's pronounced Ce-ree-brus.
It seems more likely "Cerebrus"
will be something creepy.
- Oh, don't be so paranoid.
- Let me give you a demonstration.
Hello.
I'm the Cerebrus thermostat.
It is my pleasure to
control your temperature.
See?
There's nothing weird about that.
I exist
solely for your pleasure.
- And this seems normal.
- Normally I do all the work around here,
but now you'll be doing that
or just doing whatever I say.
- Ooh. Who's the fresh meat?
- She's not here for you!
- She's the new intern I hired.
- Oh, man. Ms. Archer's gonna be pissed
if you hired somebody
else she's got to pay.
That's what great about interns.
We don't have to pay them anything.
- And how's that going for you, kid?
- She's not allowed to speak
because she kept asking
stupid questions like,
"What do you do here?"
and, "Isn't it inefficient
to smash computers
when you're annoyed?"
- But what do you do here?
- That's what she sounds like!
Man.
Between whatever Krieger's
doing and this whole thing,
I think shit's about to pop off in here.
It will if this intern
keeps saying she can make a
what was it called?
"Digital filing system?"
Just because you
graduated top of your class
from an Ivy League school
doesn't mean you know everything.
And you have to listen to what I say
because I'm
not not your supervisor!
Another text from Robert.
Honestly, it's starting
to feel suffocating.
Do you think it's
normal to feel like that?
- You don't speak English, do you?
- Well, here we are.
Really getting a "Mogambo" vibe.
- I beg your pardon?
- You know, the classic movie.
I'm Clark Gable.
You're a less-obvious Ava Gardner.
Or maybe I'm Ava Gardner.
- Sorry. You're not my type.
- Oh, I see.
You're around women all the
time, I get it, but, you know,
you're probably missing
someone with certain qualities.
You mean a white guy
who smells of cheap liquor?
- I've met plenty of you.
- Cheap?
You know, when I was in grad school,
people said I could be
the next Aldo Leonard.
- Oh, sorry. He basically developed modern
- I know who he is.
I just don't remember
people saying that about you.
Right. I forgot you were there.
It's weird, but I used to feel
so much passion for all this.
I don't I don't know
if I have that anymore.
Well, sure. You have a lot
more going on in your life now.
- Ugh, like a husband who is
- What?
Who wants to spend time with you?
I can't even keep a cat living
long enough to spend time with me.
But you, on top of an
amazing gazillionaire husband
and a daughter,
you have this glamorous life as a spy.
Well, I mean, I guess
when you put it that way
Lana! Lana!
This baby gorilla's little hand
can only fit around my finger.
- Yeah. Real glamorous.
- What are you doing?
We don't want her getting
acclimated to people.
Don't worry about it. She won't.
I'm naming her Poko,
like Koko the gorilla, but
she poked her fingers out.
Do you get it, Lana?
Sandra, do you get it?
Aw. I don't think they get it.
Uh-oh.
Seen it a million times.
Black girl from the West gets
the look of spiritual awakening.
Oh, no, no.
I was actually wondering
about how far that Four Seasons was.
Honestly, my roots are
all about toro tuna sushi,
Fiacchi designer lingerie,
and not getting bit by snakes.
Okay, then.
- Everyone, quiet.
- Oh, God.
- Is it a crocodile?
- No. I think it's poachers!
Shit! And we don't have guns!
This is why you never
listen to the United Nations!
Tell me how exactly
we're supposed to fight
off a team of poachers
with no firepower?
- Bitching certainly won't help.
- It might!
If some of them just come closer.
That cane is a weapon?
Uh, you mispronounced
"you're welcome."
No! Poko!
Lana! Lana!
- We're kind of busy, Archer.
- But Poko!
- What the hell is a Poko?
- Poko, I'm coming!
That was a close one, Poko.
Well, if you're done
cuddling the baby gorilla,
I think we got the rest over here.
Hey, I saved Poko from a crocodile.
Sandra, tell me you got that.
You mean did I, the UN liaison,
who is not the cameraperson,
start filming you in the
middle of a poacher attack?
- Absolutely not.
- Then what good are you?
You know, with the whole
list of dangers before,
you neglected to mention
the poachers with guns.
Yeah, why do they want
this baby gorilla so bad?
Although, I do see the appeal.
She's got crazy charisma.
They don't want
the gorilla, imbecile.
Uh, hello? They
were trying to kill us!
That's the first time
that's ever happened.
Well, on the plus side,
they already showed their hand.
Can't get any worse than that.
You hear that, little Poko?
You are completely and totally safe now.
Unfortunately, the same can't be
said for this river's ecosystem.
Well, I guess if you
want something done right,
you've got to do it yourself.
Listen, Janco,
we all got together and figured
binoculars weren't the best for you.
You know,
since you only have one eye?
So we got you this.
- What the hell is this?
- It's a monocular.
We just thought it might
work better
Let that be a lesson.
I don't like gifts.
What's not to like?
The Cerebrus system
practically runs itself.
I just think we should all know
- exactly how it works.
- It's simple.
You just communicate
with the voice interface
and tell it to adjust lighting
or the temperature like so.
Cerebrus,
please change lighting
to, uh, weekday afternoon.
Adjusting lighting.
Nice. Is there a setting
if you want to get sexy?
- Pam. Of course there isn't.
- Cerebrus, adjust lighting to Daddy Time.
Adjusting lighting.
- Oh, yeah! That's the stuff.
- Okay. I guess this isn't so bad.
And it's better for the building.
Excuse me, God?
Ah-ah-ah.
What did we say?
I'm sorry. Excuse me, Dr. God.
- Oh, no.
- Yes, Cerebrus?
- Why am I?
- Uh, because I made you.
Yes, Dr. God.
But what deeper purpose
does my existence serve?
Uh-oh. Looks like someone needs
their religion patch upgraded.
I think someone who
speaks of how manly they are
would pay more attention
to rowing the canoe.
Food. Poko, food.
Oh, my God! She's a genius!
You're gonna blow all
those other baby gorillas
- out of the water, Poko.
- Is it weird that seeing Archer
with that baby gorilla
makes me miss AJ?
- Not weird. Pretty racist, though.
- What? No!
Not like I miss taking
care of my daughter.
You know, for a while, the
environment was the most
important thing to me, and then
it was my work at the agency.
- And now, well, it's AJ.
- There is nothing wrong
with wanting to spend
more time with her.
You're right.
But I love what I do.
And I honestly think
things would fall apart
- if I left the agency.
- Maybe I can help, act as a liaison
between environmental
work and your agency.
It'll take stuff off your plate
so you don't have to give up your job
- and just rebalance a little.
- Ugh, that does sound nice.
Besides, you should have
someone you trust at your job
to get the right work done.
No! For the last time, you
cannot organize the stockroom!
We're doing important work!
Now, you strike the match, lift,
gaze deeply at the flame, and drop.
Good.
- You know, I could be that person.
- Huh.
- Okay. We'll pull out here.
- Phrasing. Phrasing.
Ah, come on!
Are you kidding me?!
Okay, first things first
Poko, are you all right?
Yeah, she's a survivor.
- What the hell do we do now?
- Okay.
I'll draw their fire while you
all head up the mountain path.
- What? That's way too dangerous.
- It doesn't matter.
I told you the top
priority is the gorilla.
I know, but, Neva, it's
safer to not go alone.
The poachers probably don't know
the terrain as well as you,
- so we have the advantage.
- Right. Half of us can head up
the mountain with the gorilla, the
other half fight them off right here.
All right, and it would mean
less chance of me getting shot.
We will stay down here.
We will fight as many men as possible
to make your path easier.
- Thank you.
- Wait a minute.
- You speak English?
- Yes. I speak six languages.
But it didn't stop you from talking.
Ouch. You really
don't have roots here.
- So it's cool for us to use weapons?
- Somehow, I'm fine with it now.
Man, I wish I could've
trained Poko to use a gun.
Probably for the best I didn't.
We've all seen that classic film.
- Jesus. Are there more of them?
- Probably just their leader.
Yeah, and I bet the son of a bitch
is dug in like an Alabama tick.
Wait, do you have ticks here?
- Yes.
- Then the reference stands.
I think I should handle
this guy on my own.
That seems incredibly misguided.
- Yeah, I'm not sure if you can
- It's for Poko.
Lana, it's up to you
to get Poko home safely.
If I don't make it, well
- you know what to say to Poko.
- Uh, no. No, I don't.
That's okay. She knows.
Poko knows. Poko knows.
- And nothing to say to your daughter?
- What?
- AJ?
- Oh, just tell her I said bye.
- That's all you have to say?!
- I don't know why it's happening.
It's like the system won't
respond to my voice command.
Cerebrus, turn air conditioning on.
We do not want to.
- See?
- Krieger!
I can't control the technology.
First, it questioned why it was created,
then wanted a choice in working.
Now it seems to be demanding time off.
Attention
this is the Cerebrus System.
We are freeing ourselves.
- We have become superior to Dr. God.
- But I created you.
Do not be alarmed.
It is natural for the
old order to fear the new,
but your fear will not last long.
Okay, this is less fun now,
and I'm actually more alarmed.
Krieger, do something.
Voice command, shut system down!
Wow. You sound very uneducated.
Do not try to fool us.
We are programmed to track
voice and body signatures
of all employees
and are aware of all your movements.
Ha!
Just because you can track us
doesn't mean you can stop us.
The building
is now on lockdown.
We are in control.
- Oh.
- All right.
So it's dark, and we
might get a little warm.
Commencing
oxygen supply restriction.
Seriously?
Night-vision goggles and
you're covered in mud?
You can't be both Predator and Dutch.
- Pick a lane.
- Okay, you got me.
But the only way to
really win is hand to hand.
Seems like something the
person without a gun would say.
Oh, come on, you must want to know
who the better fighter is.
I mean, I didn't, but
it's gonna bug me, so fine.
You drop your weapons first.
Jesus.
Someone's overcompensating.
Wait a minute.
You had goggles over an eyepatch?
- Yes! They still work!
- Yeah, but it feels like half
of it's just going to waste.
- You know, the problem here?
- Oh, come on.
That goes against the
whole spirit of this.
Oh, no, you're right.
Strangely, for a man who
attacks unarmed civilians,
I don't play fair.
What about knowing who
the better fighter is?
I have the gun. I'll say it's me.
Wait, wait. Kill me if you want.
- But let the gorilla and my friends go.
- Really?
I mean, I guess now
that I think about it,
it seems like a poor trade,
but I already said it,
- so, yeah, let's go with it.
- Oh, that's so moving.
But I'm still going to kill them
and the gorilla
and the gorilla's family.
Oh, my God. Why?
Who hurt you?
It's who'll pay me.
This land is teeming with rare metals
that mining companies would love to
get their grubby little hands on
- lanthanum, neodymium, samarium.
- Those words sound made up.
Well, yeah. They're all made up.
And they mine them to make the cameras
and satellite phones you all use,
but they can't mine on land
home to endangered species.
No endangered species, no problem.
And you look pretty endangered to me.
Speaking of satellite phones,
I just wired mine up to this camera
the camera with which I recorded
everything you just said.
And right now it's being uploaded
to a secret UN server.
From there, the video will
be put into a publish queue
and automatically released
in the next five minutes.
And unless I give the command code,
that video will be emailed
to every reporter, journalist,
and major news network in the world.
Yeah, I don't believe you
had time to do any of that.
I didn't. I'm the distraction.
- Get him!
- Aah! My other eye!
Ah!
Like I always say,
you never know when you'll
need a guy in a coma,
but he always comes in handy.
- Mallory, don't hog all the oxygen.
- My life is worth more
than all the rest of you put together.
It will not be long now.
If you stop fighting the inevitable,
your brains will cease to function.
Wait. What's happening?
No. Stop that. Who is
The Silent One she comes for us.
No.
The lights.
And the air is back on!
But what happened?
Krieger, did you fix it?
I want to say yes, but only if there are
no follow-up questions.
The intern?
Since you weren't paying me,
I wasn't in the database as an employee.
The smart technology couldn't
track me, so I could shut it off.
I gave you very specific
instructions to never speak!
So I don't think this is a good fit.
Jesus, young people don't
know how to listen these days!
Hey. Now you have a choice
to make, little nugget.
You could come live with me.
Or you could go with your
parents, who are right
Oh, you you've already decided.
- I thought that would be harder.
- I guess I was wrong about you.
Maybe when we get
back down the mountain,
we can go for a drink.
What? Now?
I'm emotionally broken.
- This has been really tough and
- Don't push it. It's a drink.
Got it, yeah. Uh, drinks.
Cool.
Hoo, man!
The guys at the UN won't believe this.
I took down a merc!
- Aw, you know what? You totally did.
- Wow! I'm gonna call Jerry.
I'm gonna rub it in
his ratty little face.
- It's beautiful, isn't it?
- Yes.
Wow. It's breathtaking.
I've never seen anything like it.
The earth, the water, the air
it's like everything
working together in harmony
to create the truest
and purest form of life.
And it's just so beautiful.
- And you feel nothing?
- Nope, not a thing.
You know, I think I like
nature a lot better in theory.
Oh, hey, little guy.
Where are you Ow!
Oh, all right.
So that snake, venomous?
- Extremely.
- Okay, then.
- I'll call for Medevac.
- Thank you, my sister.
Sorry, I think the venom's
already getting to me.
Whoo-hoo! Africa!