Birds of a Feather (1989) s12e04 Episode Script

1 What'll I do When you are far away? And I am blue What'll I do? When I'm alone With only dreams of you That won't come true What'll I do? Oh, Reginald, you really raised your game this evening.
My dear Foxy, the pleasure was all mine.
(GIGGLES) Victor, you did Austria proud tonight.
Liebchen.
Oscar, that really was an Academy Award-winning performance.
(GASPS) Tracey! Trollop.
You've had three blokes in here! You cutting down, Dor? Everyone knows you need four to play bridge, Tracey.
That's what you're calling it now, is it? I've got an impressionable teenager living here.
Yeah, well, Travis is out.
And when he is in he spends most of the time on the Internet and I guarantee he's not watching Postman Pat.
Exactly.
Travis isn't interested in a bunch of old codgers coughing and wheezing their way to ecstasy.
What? I'm backing you up.
Well, why are you here, anyway? Why aren't you at the theatre watching Jersey Boys and having a Chinese? Because the tickets Sharon bought were moody.
How was I to know? You bought 'em off a bloke called Moody Dave! Well, you were the one that handed over the cash before checking that 'Jersey' shouldn't have a zed in it! So I reckon you're the one that's let me down.
What? I'm the one that's out of pocket.
- All right! I'll pay you back.
- How? I just had to top up your Oyster card cos you're so skint.
I gave you 20 quid last week.
A few bob from a lucky bet on the horses.
Er not luck, Trace, perseverance.
When are you gonna bring in a proper wage? - Well, if you don't mind - I haven't finished with you yet! How long do you plan on sitting round here on your jacksy? Well, if you had a job you wouldn't be able to watch me all day, would you? (TOILET FLUSHES) - What was that? - I didn't hear anything.
Oi! And who was he? The referee? How dare you embarrass me like that! Bunny is a senior High Court judge.
No, he's not, he's a dirty old perv! I think they have to be, Trace.
- You are not having orgies in my house! - (SCOFFS) Oh, come on, Trace! She's just filling her boots before all her bits seize up.
You have no right to dictate to me how I live my life.
You are being very judgy, Trace.
While you're living in my house I can be as judgy as I like.
You two are as bad as each other.
A sponger and a tart, who both think they can take me for a mug.
Well, that's it, I've had enough.
You can both pack your bags.
- You're being ridiculous! - Do you think so? You aren't welcome here until you learn to act your age.
And you can only stay here if you get another job and pay me back for those tickets.
Stop mucking about, Trace.
You don't mean it.
You wouldn't chuck us out! She definitely doesn't mean it.
Give her a minute, she'll let us back in.
(DOOR OPENS) Oh, you know her so well (!) Why did you go and have to buy forged tickets? You moron! You were the one that sent her over the top! - Shipping your boyfriends in by the bus load! - I have done nothing wrong.
Oh, so you were just playing cards up there, yeah? Yes.
- Most of the time.
- Exactly! So, this is down to you.
So, where are you gonna book us into? The Ritz? The Savoy? I'm an agony aunt for a cheap magazine, not Oprah Winfrey.
Travelodge it is, then.
Erm even that may be out of our reach, I've left my purse inside.
Have you got yours? Yes but it's full of fresh air and dead flies.
I've got an idea.
- I'll call Brendan.
- Who's Brendan? He's my ex-landlord from Edmonton.
He's also a part-time benefit scrounger with connections to the criminal underworld.
Oh, fantastic (!) And how are we going to get to Edmonton? We've got no money.
You actually lived here? So many memories and all of them crap.
What's that smell? Like burning plastic.
Oh, that'll be the crack den upstairs.
Trust me, it's a godsend.
Hides the stink of the drains.
Don't turn your nose up.
You're lucky that Laszlo, who normally kips here, has gone back to Hungary for an holiday.
I can see why he'd need one.
For the working poor of London, THIS is luxury.
In a couple of years even these'll be executive apartments for hipsters with silly beards.
It's ethnic cleansing of the working class, that's what it is.
Well, any sort of cleansing in here would be welcome.
Is there a bathroom? No! It's all right.
I'll steady it for you.
No.
I can't, I can't.
I must have porcelain.
I'm only joking, Dor.
Bathroom's through there.
Just don't put the extractor on.
It blows instead of sucks.
You'll end up with a lungful of whatever them in the crack den had for dinner last night.
Oh, my God! It couldn't be any worse.
- Well, it used to be when we had cockroaches.
- Ugh! It's all right, they've gone now.
The rats ate them.
You have rats?! No.
I borrowed a Jack Russell from the nice prostitute next door that saw 'em off.
Isn't nature wonderful, Dor? It's like a little ecosystem in perfect balance.
This place is intolerable, Sharon.
You can't make me stay here.
(GUNSHOTS AND SCREAMING) (SIRENS) Yeah, it can get a bit hairy out there.
(CHUCKLES) You wait till Saturday.
It is just one night, isn't it? I mean, Travis will make Tracey see how unfair she's being.
He and I do have that special bond.
What, I can have her room? With the ensuite? Well, she's not gonna be using it, is she? Yes! And now I haven't got to pick up after those two I can be there just for you.
- Do you want me to make you a nice hot chocolate? - Why not, eh? I think I'll have a long soak in my bath then slide into my king size bed.
- Can you bring my hot chocolate up, Mum? - Course.
Hold on! I'd better change those sheets first.
(DOOR OPENS) There really should be a lock on that door.
Oh, I took it with me when I left.
Along with the light bulbs, curtain rings, ballcock.
Well, it's what you do, isn't it? Besides, flat this size, ain't like you don't know when someone's in the bog.
So, why have you come in here? I need to go.
- Look, are you gonna be long? - You can't hurry good skincare.
You wanna get them World of Quid wet wipes, one swipe and you're done.
It's also really good for getting limescale off a kettle.
Probably play havoc with my epidermis.
Oh, no, I'd never use them down there.
Oh, Sharon! (GROANS IN DISGUST) It's not my fault! I said I wanted to go.
- No! Don't do that! - (EXTRACTOR FAN WHIRRS) (COUGHING) - That is disgusting! - Get out! Get out! Sharon! Who the bloody hell are you? Who are the bloody hell you? This is my flat, temporarily.
I'm Carla, sister of Laszlo.
He let me sleep here while he on holidays.
Yes, well, I'm sorry, but we have a binding agreement with the landlord, so whatever loose arrangement you have made with your brother has been superseded.
- She's ain't gonna understand that! Yeah, well, in Hungary she's probably a professor of English.
Of course, and doctor of philosophy and award-winning architect.
But I prefer come here, scrub floors, clean crappy toilets for one pound less than minimum wage (!) (SHOUTS) Stupid! The point is, we have a right to be here.
OK, OK you can stays.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
WE are in charge.
WE get to say if YOU can stay.
What is answer? Would you like an alarm call in the morning? (DOOR KNOCKS) Oh! (DOOR KNOCKS) Morning, Dor.
That Carla ain't getting back in here in a hurry.
Where is she? She left early for her cleaning job, so I borrowed a fiver off that nice prostitute and nipped out and got us a big bolt.
- Excellent.
Er I don't suppose you've had a text from Tracey begging us to come back? No.
No, me neither.
There's a cold, heartless side to her.
When we were kids, she locked me out of our Wendy house.
I mean, it was pouring with rain.
I was absolutely soaked.
The dye ran out my navy blue knickers all down my legs.
My Mum thought I had varicose veins.
Well, I sincerely hope you're not weakening.
- Last night was a triumph.
- Really? I slept on the floor of a 21st century slum.
I had a coat for a duvet, a stale loaf of bread for a pillow and the Hungarian women's snoring champion as a roommate, but I survived! I took the worst this place could throw at me but is my spirit broken? No, it is not! But if I go grovelling now to Tracey then all my suffering will have been in vain.
We have to show Tracey that we are strong.
That we will not be dictated to.
Are you with me, Sharon? (TOILET FLUSHES) I'll go back and flush that again in a minute.
- You were saying, Dor? - I said, are you with me? All the way! Where we going? If those two wanna live under my roof they've got to abide by my rules.
It's my way or the highway, they're not taking me for a mug anymore.
- Mum, you're talking to yourself again.
- Was I? Look, I think you miss Dor and Auntie Shal more than you're letting on.
- Rubbish! I like not having them under my feet, gives me more time to spend with my baby.
Look, I'm not a baby, Mum.
I'm 18.
Oh, I know.
You're growing up so fast.
Mum, I'm already grown up! I'm a man! Look I can vote, can drink lager in a pub, can join the Army, can even have sex if I want to.
No, I haven't.
Well, you need a girlfriend for that, but but I could! Well, you're still not too old to spend time with your mum.
- Let's go out later.
- I'm already going out with my mates.
You can see them any time.
Let's go to the pictures.
No! People might think we're on a date.
Just tell 'em you're out with your mum.
Yeah, that'll make it better (!) Don't be so silly, we can go for a burger! It'll be nice.
I'll get you a milkshake.
(SIGHS) Who needs them two when I've got my Travis? Caused me nothing but trouble when they were here - - (FROM UPSTAIRS) Mum, you're talking to yourself again! - Oh.
'Dear Tired of Solihull' - Where are you going? - Oh, I just thought I'd pop out.
Get one of those smelly candles, you know, cover up some of the more exotic pongs wafting through the estate.
Also, it means I can get out from under your feet, you know, let you get on with your work.
Oh, thank you, that's very thoughtful! Well, all for one and one for all, sister.
So 'Dear Tired of Solihull.
It is time to be selfish and treat yourself to a damn good pampering.
As I write to you from my palatial villa in the south of France sipping on my Martini (DISTANT HORN BLARES CONTINUOUSLY) I am completely at ease.
(BANGING AND THUDDING) Not even the sound of distant thunder can upset my equilibrium.
(DRUMS BANG) (SHOUTS) I just concentrate on the sound of the classical quartet playing a selection of Brahms in the town square.
And I remain perfectly calm.
- Travis? - Oh! Not trying to creep out without me, was you? - No! - (DOOR BELL) I just heard someone at the door.
AIL right, Shal.
I'll let you two talk.
- All right, Trace? - What do you want? - You're looking well.
- What do you want? - Have you missed me? - House is quieter and tidier.
I can open a packet of biscuits and know there'll be some left when I go back an hour later.
And you know that funny smell I could never put my finger on? It's gone.
I bought you this.
Do you think I'm gonna let you back in here cos you buy me some cheap scented candle from World of Quid? It's mango and wild cranberry.
Could have done with that when you lived here.
Is that it? Dorien says that you've got a cold, heartless streak, but I put her straight.
I said, "Oi, that's my sister you're talking" - Have you got another job yet? - No.
But I've got a dead cert in the 3:30 at Kempton.
Did you not listen to what I said? Bring in a regular wage or you can find someone else to ponce off! (DRUMS BANG) This will not break me.
I am Foxy, I will survive! (DRUMS STOP) Yes! Foxy is strong, Foxy is a winner, Foxy is a DISTANT UNKNOWN VOICE: Loser! Sharon? (THROUGH WALL) Those drums are the only thing you can bang now.
You've got no idea how to satisfy me.
That's because I'd rather sleep with your sister.
- Satisfied now? - Tosspot! Erm excuse me! I am Foxy Cohen, agony aunt, you may have seen my programme.
Marital problems are my speciality, maybe I can help? (THROUGH WALL) What? Who's that? Must be one of them lesbians squatting in Laszlo's flat.
This is a private argument! Private? The whole block can hear you! Stuck up cow! - I'll show her! - (DRUMS BANG) Oh, God, no! (DOG BARKS) Ain't you getting ready? We're gonna be late for the pictures.
- I just had Auntie Shal on the phone.
- Oh, yeah, what she want? - I don't wanna make things worse, Mum.
- (SIGHS) She offered me money to persuade you to let her come home.
Conniving cow.
What money? She hasn't got any money.
- Her horse came in, she rang me from the bookies.
- (SIGHS) I know, it's like sticking two fingers up at you.
Right! I'm gonna have her.
This is how you're gonna spend your days now, is it? In here with all the other mug punters? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Well, you're not living in my house unless you get a job.
You may have mentioned that once or twice before.
Don't you walk away while I'm having a go at you! Where are you going? Look, you can't go in there.
You'll get arrested! What are you doing? - You've got a job here, haven't you? - Yeah.
Me and Travis were just having a little joke with you.
Oh, were you (?) You think it's funny winding people up, don't you? Well No.
No, not at all.
Well, I do.
Ha-ha! You should have seen your face.
Oh! I see what you done then, Trace.
Good one.
Can I come home now? No.
Erm you're still winding me up, right? Trace? Trace?! (DOOR OPENS AND KEYS JINGLE) (DOOR CLOSES) Oh, about time, Sharon! Where did you go to get that candle, Aberdeen? You're lucky I remembered to take the bolt off.
(BED CREAKS) Careful! Oh, for goodness' sake, Sharon! You've got a back like a mountain gorilla.
I can even feel the hairs through your vest.
You wear a vest? When did you start wearing a vest? (GASPS) - Who are you? - I am Laszlo.
And you are not my sister.
Argh! Argh! - (DOOR KNOCKS) - Who is it? Oh, look, ignore it, Trace.
It's probably just some nutter.
Argh! Tracey, let me in, please.
I've just had a dreadful fright.
Yeah, you and me both (!) I've just been in bed with a very large hairy Hungarian.
Well, don't come round here bragging about it, - I ain't interested.
- I'm not bragging, I'm traumatised! I don't care! You know what the deal was.
- I won't have another man in my bed again, I promise.
- (SIGHS) What do you reckon? Shall we let her back in? Sharon? Is that you in there? You Judas! You double-crossing turncoat! Why is she saying that? Oh, you know what she's like, right trouble maker.
- Right, I say we go back to bed.
- Sharon! I'll bring you up a nice cup of tea.
Does Tracey know you accused her of being cold and heartless? You told me she said that.
Come on, Trace.
I mean, who are you gonna believe, hey? Her or your own flesh and blood? Tracey! Trace! Please!