Live at The Apollo (2004) s12e04 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Adam Hills! Hello, Apollo! For those of you who don't know, my hair, OK, I lost a bet .
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with the British Paralympic team.
I bet them they wouldn't win more medals than the Australian Paralympic team.
They did.
I now have a Union Jack on my head.
I said if they won the bet, I would paint a Union Jack on my head.
They won the bet, so I know.
I look like Nigel Farage's wet dream.
It's appalling.
People have asked me how long I'm going to keep it.
The answer is, until I have to do a show in Belfast.
Before I go any further, I do have to point out there is a bit of weirdness going on at the bottom of my leg here.
For those of you who don't know, I have a prosthetic foot, which is no big deal.
Normally it doesn't stick out, but last year I was fitted with one of those really cool blades, I don't know if you can see that.
One of those running blades that they have.
I was pretty excited by that.
The only problem with having a blade is, when you tell people you've got a blade, they go "Oh, you mean like?" You go, "Yeah, him, yeah, that guy.
" That was the thing - I always hid my foot when I was a kid.
I always kept it hidden because I didn't know anyone cool that looked cool with a cool prosthetic and then I got the chance to get a blade and I went, "Yeah, finally, I'm going to look cool.
" And then Oscar Pistorius fucked it up for all of us! Clearly, I'm the least damaged of all the people that he has come into contact with, but still Do you know what I mean? Finally I get a blade and then he Argh! Now I know how Charlie Chaplin felt when Hitler started using his tiny moustache.
Now what I thought was going to be cool is just an object of ridicule and now people just make jokes.
I go, "Oh, I've got a blade.
" They go, "Oh-ho! Better lock the bathroom door!" No way! Jimmy Carr, I saw Jimmy Carr a couple of weeks ago and I said, "Look at this, I've got a blade," and he went, "Oh, South African eBay, was it?" You know what? I don't care what's happened, I think it looks cool.
I'm going to own it, it sticks out the bottom of my trousers but I don't care, I will happily let it stick out there cos I think it looks cool.
Yeah! You all say that, but the old lady in Basingstoke that came up to me recently after a show didn't think this.
These were her exact words - "I know you think it looks cool ".
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but from the audience, it just looks like one long testicle "is hanging down the bottom of your trousers.
" This guy here, I'm going to go for this guy here.
How old are you there, sir? I'm 50.
50.
All right.
I'm a few years behind you, but I reckon we are probably at the same point in our lives, which is we need to start living healthier, but we haven't had the scare that forces us to do it yet.
And what's your name, sir? Andy.
Andy.
You know what turns me off being healthy? Talking to healthy people.
They are the dullest human beings in any room.
And well done, man clapping over there.
If you're healthy, shut up, no-one needs to hear about it.
And the thing is, I know when you're being healthy it makes you feel good and you want to tell everyone, but no-one needs to hear it.
I've got friends that just go on for hours.
"Oh, my God, Adam.
All I do is eat kale and drink my own urine.
" "I don't care.
" "But I've got so much more energy than you.
" "Yeah, cos you've just drained most of mine.
" "I'm going to live ten years longer than you, Adam.
" "Yeah, but I'm going to die surrounded by friends.
" The truth is, the only reason I've started being healthy is cos my wife recently told me I needed to be a bit healthier.
She didn't use those words.
Her exact words were, "You've really let yourself go.
" Now, have you ever had that, Andy? Do you have a partner? You do.
Is your partner here? She's not, she's at home? Has she ever said you've let yourself go? Yep, OK.
Here's what I've learned - there is a right and a wrong way to respond to that and the words are exactly the same for the right and wrong way, it's just the inflection you use that makes them right or wrong.
I'll show you what I mean, everyone.
This is the right way to respond when your partner says, "You've really let yourself go.
" "Yeah.
"Yeah, I've really let myself go.
" This is the wrong way to respond.
"Yeah! I've really let MYSELF go!" Can you see the difference there? It's slight.
Yeah.
It's tough times, tough times in our house at the moment, since I first started doing that joke.
I've got two kids.
I was not ready for the strain it puts on a relationship and part of it comes down to who is in charge, because I like to help out.
My wife has her way of doing things and I've got my way of doing things and when those things are different, who is right and who's wrong and who has final say? I don't know who to talk to about this.
I grew up in the '70s, when dads weren't hands-on but entertainers were, so Hey All I'm saying is it's good to see an Australian one-legged entertainer with an extra one doing well in Britain.
So it's this weird thing - my wife and I, and I know all parents do this, we'll clash over who is right and who is wrong and every now and then, I see a single parent on the street and look at them struggling with three kids and think, "Oh, my God! "It must be so much easier without someone telling you "you're doing it wrong!" Are there any single parents here tonight? Yes.
Down here, you are, ma'am.
Single parents are absolute heroes and I genuinely believe this.
I want to apologise for everything I ever thought about single parents cos I used to look at single parents on the street yelling at their kids - and I know this is wrong - I used to look at them and go, "Oh, my God, "no wonder you're single!" I know this is wrong.
"You're an arsehole!" Now, I look at single parents on the street and go, "Oh, my God, "children turned you into an arsehole.
" I remember sitting in a cafe in the middle of England, I was doing a show and it was the afternoon and I was having a nice cup of tea and I remember watching this woman This is how much my views on the world have changed.
I remember watched this woman walking across the street and she had three bags of shopping and her son's schoolbag and he was about seven and she was walking across a zebra crossing and this is how he was walking.
She was walking across.
He was doing this.
He was going .
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landing on each white line as he went.
I was watching him thinking, "Yeah, you embrace life, kid, "you embrace life," and his mum turned to him and just went, "Oh, walk sensibly.
" I remember sitting there thinking, "You bitch.
"You absolute bitch.
"That kid is seven, he is turning crossing the road into an adventure, "he is living every second of life and making everything fun, "leave him alone.
"Let him have his childhood.
" But now that I've got kids .
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I want to go back to that moment and I want to walk up to them and look at the kid and go, "Walk sensibly, you little shit! "Your mum's got three bags of shopping and your schoolbag, "you're lucky she hasn't pushed you under a truck, you little arsehole!" Because I'm amazed My wife looks after our kids when I'm away and she is awesome, she's so good at it.
I can do it for about four days but then I start talking like an arsehole.
If I've got my kids for more than four days, you will see me down at the local park just going, "Darren, Darren, Darren! "Darren! Darren! "Darren, Darren, Darren! "Darren! Darren! "Darren! Darren! DARREN! "Let your brother drink some of the Diet Coke!" And we've got two girls, so I don't even know who Darren is.
It is tough times.
Single parents, I genuinely believe you're absolute heroes.
Gay people, I'm not sure they should be allowed to adopt children.
Now I'm kidding! It's a joke! I'm not saying that in case you're offended.
You'll work out soon that I am kidding and you will be fine.
I say that in case you agree with me, and no-one needs that in a room.
Let me explain, because I've got a prosthetic foot.
That prosthetic foot throws my knees out, throws my hips out, it throws my spine out.
It means, basically, I have physio once a week.
What I'm trying to say is, if you've got one leg, you will end up with a bad back.
That's just the way of the world - one leg, bad back.
That's why pirates used to go, "Arrrgh!" Honestly, two-legged pirates spoke normally.
"I say, Nigel, shall we go looting today?" "What a fabulous idea.
" "Oh, look, here comes One-Legged Barry.
" "Argh, me back! Jesus! "If only there was some exercise I could do, "some Pilates of the Caribbean.
" So - thank you.
Now, my physio's name is Josh.
Not Josh Widdicombe, that would be a weird physio.
"I'm in Pret-a-Manger!" I have an Australian physio and his name is Josh and Josh is gay.
Now, Josh and his husband have got three girls the same age as my girls, so we talk and we have discussions about parenting and about all sorts of stuff.
After a while, I felt comfortable enough that I could say to Josh, "I've got to ask you a question, "please don't think this is offensive, but "Who's in charge?" He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well, when it's two dads, who's in charge?" "Neither of us are in charge.
I said, "Who looks after the kids the majority of the time?" He said, "Neither, we split it 50-50.
" I went, "Yeah, but who has final say?" He said, "Neither of us have final say.
" I said, "How do you settle arguments over what is right for the kids?" He said, "Simple - if my husband and I "disagree on what right for the children, here's what we do.
"We both sit down over the dinner table, "he puts forward his opinion, I put forward my opinion, "we have a rational discussion, "we come to a mutually agreed solution, "and that's how we move forward.
" That is not natural.
I'm sorry.
I don't know if you know.
Have you got kids? You know how it works, then, ma'am.
You put forward your opinion, he puts forward his opinion, then you discount his opinion cos he didn't squeeze a child OUT OF HIS VAGINA! I mean, sorry, it is the most amazing thing I've ever seen my wife do, and she has done some amazing shit, but I'm allowed to have an opinion occasionally, aren't I? Why doesn't anyone tell you that? Cos I read all the books.
I read Baby Love, I read The Baby Whisperer, I read the Shawshank Baby Don't put a poster on their wall, you'll never see them.
I read all the books.
Not one of them said, "Just shut up, mate, just shut up!" So I would try and give opinions.
I'd walk in and look at my wife, and go, "You know what I think we should do for the girls?" She'd look at me like, "Oh, you are going to finish that sentence, are you?" Then I'd falter, my voice would go "I just thought, maybe the right thing to do" Then she'd stare me down and I'd go, "No, you're right, honey.
"Rub cocaine on their gums, that'll put them to sleep.
"I don't know what I was thinking.
" Oh, my God! I was not ready to not be in charge of something.
Here's the worst thing, though - I said all this to my physio while he's working on me, and he paused and he said, "Do you know what I think you should do?" "What?" He said, "You should do with your wife "what I do with my husband.
" "I'm not entirely sure she'd be up for that, Josh.
" He said, "No, no, here's what I do with my husband.
"I keep a list of all the things he says we should do for the girls, "and then he does the opposite.
"I write them down in a list.
"I call it Steven's Double Standard List.
"Every Sunday night, I read them out to him over the dinner table.
"You should do that with your wife.
" Are you kidding me? Oskar Schindler wouldn't make that list! And, look, I love my wife, she is absolutely amazing.
She's brilliant, she is absolutely amazing, but she came and saw me talk about this one night and she said, "Why are you saying all that on stage?" And my honest response was, "Cos I need to tell someone!" All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Are you ready for your first act of the show? Such an amazing show.
I'm so excited to see this first act on stage.
I was at the Montreal Comedy Festival this year and I heard that this woman was the person to go see at Montreal, but my show was on at the same time as her.
Then I had one night at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, I tried to buy a ticket to her show and it was genuinely sold out.
This is my first chance I've ever got to see her as well.
Would you please welcome to the stage, all the way from the United States of America, Michelle Wolf! I've never had an entrance make me feel like a magician before.
I am very excited to be here in London.
This is exciting for me.
I was kind of embarrassed about what was happening back home in America, and then I saw what was happening here and I was like, "Hey, "you guys are falling apart too!" I really, I truly feel bad for Hillary Clinton because no-one likes her.
Like, I voted for her, but I don't like her.
Like, if she came up to talk to me at a party, I'd be like, "I'm sorry, I have to go to the bathroom.
" And then if she tried to talk to me in the bathroom, I'd be like, "I'm sorry, I have to use the men's room.
"I just made a life choice.
" But you shouldn't like Hillary.
She is a bitch.
You have to be a bitch to be that powerful.
We're never going to have a nice lady run for president.
You guys had Margaret Thatcher.
You didn't call her the Nice Lady.
You called the Iron Lady.
I don't think that's a word you'd use to describe someone that's fun to hang out with.
We're never going to have a nice lady, we're never going to have a woman that's like, "Um, I'd like to be president "I was a sociology major, "and I was in a sorority.
"And I love brunch.
"You can check out my policies on my Pinterest page.
" People say you can't make fun of what she wears because she's a woman.
I think you can because it's fun to do.
Why are her jackets so big? If any male candidate dressed like her, we would be like, "Why are you dressing like Kim Jong-Un?" Be a shape.
Why are your jackets so big? What are you hiding under there? Is that where all of your e-mails are? But that's the thing, we are supposed to care so much about our bodies as women, you know? There are even campaigns that we should love our bodies and be confident in our bodies.
Orwe could just stop caring about it.
Because you know who doesn't care about their bodies? Men.
You know what men are? Successful.
Men are presidents, men are CEOs.
You've never heard a CEO go, "I want to get profits up, keep costs down, "and love me for me.
" "3pm, we're going to have a meeting about how I can accept the fact "that I have my mother's thighs.
" Do you know who should care about their bodies? Men! You have weird bodies, men.
You're gross.
Your balls are gross.
I've seen anyone go like, "Oh, I can't wait to get his pants off "and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs.
" What is it? It's like when you go to a haunted house and you stick your hand in a jar - you're like, "Please be grapes".
Balls seem like a real God whoopsie.
Like when you're putting together furniture and you've got a couple of leftover screws, and you're like, "Well, those were supposed to go somewhere.
"I guess I'll hang them from a satchel.
" Even the name sounds like a mistake.
"What are you going to call them?" "Scrotum.
" "OK.
" This is how you know that God didn't care about balls at all.
Everything else important, he covered in bone.
Balls, he was like, "Let 'em fly!" You are so lucky we get our faces near them.
If a woman puts your balls in her mouth, you should pay her a lot of money.
And not in like a prostitute way, in like a "I don't know how else to say thank you.
"This is a very nice thing you just did to me.
"And you didn't get any pleasure out of it.
" There's not a single woman that's like, "That's what does it for me.
" "You are more of a saint than Mother Teresa for that.
" There's no way she ever did it.
I get one wrinkle, my career is over.
I have to put paint on my face just to leave my home.
And you guys get to walk around with those wrinkly, dangling bags of crap.
You should have to put make-up on them! Or at the very least, googly eyes.
I don't know if it'd be better or worse, but it'd be fun.
He's happy, he's sad, he lost his boner.
I don't know how we ever let you guys get away with calling our boobs saggy.
Your balls are saggy.
You should wear a bra.
And you make it fancy.
All those women clapping, they meant yours.
I don't know, I think women, we have weird priorities.
We care so much about our wedding.
We'll even say things - "I want to be a princess on my wedding day.
"I'm going to be a princess.
"I'm a grown adult woman who would like to be a princess.
" I'm like, "All right, you want to be a princess? "Then I'm going to make you marry a man you've never met "in order to secure a French alliance.
"And guess what, princess? He's not going to love you.
"Your parents wished you were a boy.
"Happy wedding day, princess.
" And we'll say things like, "It's my day, it's my special day.
" I don't think you can call it your day if your dad is paying for it.
I think it's his day, and I think it's a really weird day for him.
I think he's paying a tonne of money to make sure a man has sex with you that night.
I think he's literally walking you down the aisle going, "Here, you fuck her.
" And, married couples, you don't sell it very well, you know? You hear a lot of married couples complain.
I think you hear more men complain about it than women, but, men, you've got weird complaints about marriage.
Your say things like, "She won't let me keep my shirts.
" And it's like, "Well, just hold them up here! "You're taller than her.
" And if you're not taller than her, you're not complaining about anything, you're just happy to be there.
We should date shorter guys more often, they're really nice.
The only problem is a lot of times when you go for walks, you have to be like, "All right, speed up, little buddy.
"Move those little guys.
" I'll tell you a tiny secret.
The real reason I want Hillary Clinton to be president is because I want Bill Clinton to be the first gentleman.
Mostly because the spouse of the president is the one who sometimes gives tours of the White House, and I would love to see Bill be like, "These are our drapes.
"As you can see, they are navy.
"But if you shine a black light on them, boy, do they glow!" Oh, man.
"If these walls could talk, "that means they'd have mouths and I'd put my penis in them.
" Every time he bit his lip from behind a podium, I thought he was trying to get rid of a boner.
Like "Hillary, Hillary, Hillary.
" Thanks a lot, guys.
I'm Michelle Wolf! Ladies and gentlemen, how good was Michelle Wolf? Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of the night? He is one of Britain's best up-and-coming comedians.
He is the award-winning Jamali Maddix! What's up? Yes! All right, yes, yes.
Shit's about to get real, son.
Right, OK.
How is everyone doing? I'm happy to be here, man.
This is cool, man.
This is fancy! This is fancy.
So fancy, I even ironed my T-shirt, that's how you know it's fancy.
I'm trying to be more fancy now.
That's my thing, I'm trying to be more fancy, so I started wearing glasses.
I'm like, "Boom," face fancy now since I started wearing glasses.
My mum actually said to me that with these glasses and beard combination, that I looked like a guy in prison who reads.
Yeah? "I'm just trying to do my time, bro, you know? "Waiting for that parole meeting.
" What are we going to talk about? Let's keep it light-hearted.
Let's talk about race relations.
I know I can see you're uncomfortable.
I don't want to talk about it either, but I have to, OK? I have to.
OK? Cos race is awkward, OK? I know it, race makes me awkward too.
Look, man, look, I ain't proud of this, OK, but what is racism if I can't say it in a room full of white people? Check it out, right.
I'm doing this gig the other day, right.
It's an all-white audience, and I start doing a routine about how people think I look like a terrorist, right? Cos you know I have a beard, people are pricks, right? So I'm doing the routine and people started getting upset at me, right? So I carry on, cos I'm no quitter, right? So I just carry on doing the routine, and one woman stands up and says, "Just get over it!" And I go, "What the hell?!" I get pissed off.
You know, I start talking about white privilege, and how she don't understand what it's like for people to think that you are a terrorist.
Then halfway through the rant, I realised I was in Northern Ireland.
Yeah, I messed up.
Know what I'm saying, man? I forgot there were different types of white people, I'm not going to lie to you.
I should have saved my race card for later.
You know what I'm saying? I forgot about that rare white man struggle.
My family are crazy, man.
There's one guy I like in my family, though, one guy I love to bits.
He's my grandad.
He's a cool guy.
He's old as shit, nearly dead, he's like 70.
Old.
Old, man.
I love him, right.
Because he was like a train driver for 50 years, right? Never took a day off, we don't do that, right? Still wears a union badge.
"I'm going to go on strike, Jamali.
" "Strike on what? The gardening? Go shut up.
" I swear to God, he was such a socialist that he still wakes up in the middle of the night angry at Margaret Thatcher.
That's how deep it is.
"She stole the milk, Jamali, she stole the milk.
" It's weird how your family can influence your ideas and your decisions.
It's weird, right? Cos looking at my grandad, right, it kind of made me happy politically that we left the EU.
Relax, you hippies.
I voted Remain.
I want to put it out there before you lynch me, right.
I voted Remain! I did, right.
But there's only one reason I'm happy we left the EU, right.
Because I've been saying this thing for a long time, and everyone thought I was an arsehole for saying it, but now that we've left, I think we can all agree one thing, right? I think we can all agree that we need to stop old people voting.
And now listen Listen! No! When I say old people, I do not mean a crazy age.
I think the voting age should be 17 to 50.
51 if you are not a prick.
Like, I think that's a good age.
I can see some old Look at Old School right there.
He's hating it right now.
He's like, "I want to vote.
" Listen, are you looking for a mortgage? No.
So why are you still voting?! You don't understand! Why should you decide if we do poppers? When was the last time you had a party? But I like getting older.
Don't we like getting older, Old School? We love it, don't we? We love getting older cos as you get older, you start to accept stuff about yourself.
You do, you have to.
Like, it took me 25 years to realise that this is my face.
This ain't getting any better, man.
Cos when I was younger, I always wanted to be better-looking, you know? I didn't mean crazy good-looking, I just wanted to be good-looking enough to cheat, right? No, hear me out.
I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend.
I love my girlfriend.
Sometimes, OK? I need something to say in the argument that sounds believable once in a while.
Look, I have Tinder, and my girlfriend knows I have Tinder, and doesn't even care.
She doesn't care! She's like, "Good luck!" You know? She doesn't respect my facial abilities.
And Tinder is disgusting, but amazing at the same time.
I love it, I hate it, I don't know.
I don't know.
Tinder is great.
What I love about Tinder is it will make you realise some social stuff about people, you know? Like, I was on Tinder the other day and I'm flicking through the profiles cos I'm a scumbag.
I start flicking through the profiles and I see one profile, right, and every picture was just a lady with her titties out.
Just That's what titties sound like in my head, cos I'm 12 - deal with it, what are you going to do? She has her titties out .
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and in the description, it just said, "Any dick, any time.
" And I was like, "Wow! "All right, you know your market, I like it," right? I showed my girlfriend the profile.
My girlfriend looks at the profile and goes, "Oh, my God! "What a whore!" I said, "What, babe? No.
"There is too much slut-shaming in this world.
"She is no ho, she is a revolutionary.
" Confusing, right? I'll explain to you why.
You've got to understand, everything in this world has a price.
Everyone and everything has a price.
In this world, where everything has a price, the price of vagina is very high, OK? Listen, if it was on the stock market, it would be oil and gold, right? But, listen, I ain't just giving women no number.
Men, we have a number as well.
But we got dick, and dick ain't worth shit.
You know what I'm saying? You can't just have dick, you got to back that up with some collateral, you know? You got to have a dick and a personality.
Dick and a job.
Dick and a life plan, right? Listen, I could have a warehouse full of penis and it wouldn't be worth as much as a picture of a pussy, right? But, when she said "Any dick, any time," she just crashed the whole pussy economy.
Know what I'm saying? She made the credit crunch of vagina.
She gave vagina back to the working-class man.
She is the Karl Marx of pussy is what I'm trying to say, guys.
Anyway, my name has been Jamali and this has honestly been one of the favourite times in my life.
Thank you so much, I appreciate it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jamali Maddix! Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we have tonight for you.
Would you please thank Michelle Wolf and Jamali Maddix? My name's Adam Hills, thank you and goodnight!