The Simpsons s12e04 Episode Script

[Chorus.]
#The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing.]
[Whistle Blowing.]
[Beeping.]
[Jazzy Solo.]
[Beeping.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
[Giggling.]
Five, four, three, two, one.
Well, that's all the time we have.
- So long, kids! [Goofy Laugh.]
- [Cheering.]
[Announcer.]
Krusty the Clown is brought to you by the new Gamestation 256.
It's slightly faster to the max! 256? [Groans.]
And I'm stuck with this useless 252.
[Mechanical Voice.]
Don't destroy me.
I can still make you happy to the max! Here's a headline forJay.
"Ketchup Truck Hits Hamburger Stand.
" [Laughs.]
Mom, can I have 200 bucks for a 256-K Gamestation? - That's less than a dollar a K.
- Oh, I might be able to help you- - with a song about thrift! - ## [Reference Note.]
When you get a penny from a chum Don't just buy some bubble gum Put it in your cap, Put it in your cap When you find a nickel in the snow Don't just blow it on a picture show - # Put it in your cap, Put it in your cap # - I don't have a cap.
- #When you spy a quarter in a pie-## - [Groans.]
You want money? Get a job like your old man.
Well, maybe I should.
- So now you're smarter than your old man, huh? - I guess.
I like your attitude.
Take what you need.
[Groans.]
[Bell Jingles.]
Nice day's work, kid.
This is for you.
You're paying me in hair? Are you insane? [Chuckling.]
[Moaning.]
Man, I need a job.
You need job? I have job for you.
You take these.
You hang Thai menu on door.
I get more business.
Send daughters to small liberal arts college- Swarthmore, maybe Sarah Lawrence.
Call professors by first name.
Hah! - Dynamite! - Hang 'em on the door.
Got it.
- ## [Whistling.]
- Hey, hey! No menus- Or I'll cut you like a box along the flaps! [Moans, Pants.]
You quitter! Quitter boy! Quitter boy! - I'm sorry.
- Now restaurant fail children go to state college.
Serious students powerless against drunken "jockocracy.
" Baseball hats everywhere! Hey, man, this job is too dangerous.
Menu boy no be coward like shrimp.
Menu boy be brave like prawn.
Menu boy must move silently like ghost.
Leave no footprint, only lunch specials.
- Hai! - [Grunting.]
[Snarling.]
Hmm? [Chattering, Gasping.]
Well, I never! Ah! What a waste.
[Splashing.]
[Gasps.]
There you go, little fish.
Ohh.
Bart, do you know how many trees died to make those menus? - I don't know.
A million? - You're ruining the earth! True, but I "gots" to get paid.
Money was funny, Sister.
[Sighing.]
Oh, Betty.
Bart, it's so sweet of you to take the family out to Krusty Burger.
Hey, some people in this family are doers, and some are "don't-ers.
" Don't you call me a- Ugh.
- Take that, Lisa's beliefs! - [Laughing.]
Oh, how cute! Kids, look who's on the roof.
I knew this day would come.
The cows are taking back what's theirs.
No.
I think they're protestors.
Hey, there are cows on the roof.
I thought my pager was busted.
- [Horn Honking.]
- Get back in.
It's only funny with a small car.
[All Grumbling.]
[Sirens Blaring.]
[Together.]
Take down the clown! Take down the clown! Listen, I'm on your side.
Let's get a dialogue going.
Take out the mother cow.
The rest will follow.
[Man.]
Your corporation cuts down the rain forest to create grazing land for cattle.
Oh, for the love of- Gimme that! - [Crowd Murmuring.]
- No, you can't! - Don't worry, honey.
They're just firing beanbags.
- Ow! - Hey, watch it! - You can't silence the truth with beanbags! [Groaning.]
That's nice work with the "bag-zooka.
" Gotta love what you do, Chief.
Mmm, mmm.
- [Gasps.]
Are you all right? - [Grunts.]
I've had worse.
- [Sighs.]
- In New Orleans, they hosed us with Tabasco.
Oh, you're so heroic.
All right, cow boy.
I'll see you in "moo-nicipal" court.
- [Laughs.]
Good one, Chief.
- What? What'd I say? I can't believe how young he is.
He'd be cute ifhe weren't so idealistic.
- Mmm.
- [Horn Honks.]
Look, Marge.
I'm in a limo.
The Simpsons are goin' to Paris.
The "eco-radical" group Dirt First staged a daring protest today at Krusty Burger.
Krusty the Clown has issued the following statement.
"This I don't need.
" The group is led by teenage activistJesse Grass a "dreadlocked" dreamboat whose "Birken stock" is on the rise.
- [Sighing.]
- [Homer.]
Boring.
Ah, the Luftwaffe- The Washington Generals of the History Channel.
Dad, change it back.
- Yeah.
That was the boy Lisa likes.
- No, I don't.
Lisa and Jesse sitting in a tree - K-l-S-S-l-N-G- - Shut up.
First comes love, then comes- Um- Damn it, I know this.
I'd like to visit a prisoner.
- Yeah, sure.
- Aren't you coming with me? Hey, I get enough flaming toilet paper thrown on me at home.
[Man.]
Fire in the hole! - Jesse? - [Exhales.]
- You do yoga? - Yeah, but I started before it was cool.
My name's Lisa Simpson.
I think your protest was incredibly brave.
Thank you.
This planet needs every friend it can get.
Oh, the earth is the best.
That's why I'm a vegetarian.
[Chuckles.]
Well, that's a start.
Well, um, I was thinking of going vegan.
[Chuckles.]
I'm a level-five vegan.
I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.
Wow.
Um- I started an organic compost pile at home.
Only at home? You mean you don't pocket-mulch? Oh, it's so decomposed.
Do you think I could join Dirt First? Well, we might have an opening at the poseur level.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
- Have a good time at your hippie club.
- You're welcome to come too.
No.
I like to save the environment my own way.
[Tires Squealing.]
Mmm doughnuts.
I am happy to report we've succeeded in blocking the St.
Patrick's Day Parade which, every year, steps on several lizards.
- Right on! - Yeah! Don't celebrate yet.
The mayor had a secret tree auction last night.
What am I bid for the logging rights to Springfield's oldest redwood tree? $30,000 to make cages for animal experimentation.
Daughter on wait list at Bennington.
to make the world's first drive-through humidor.
Sold to the rich Texan.
Yee-haw! [Whooping.]
Whoo, doggies! [Whooping.]
Thanks to Caleb for the tape.
How'd you sneak that camera in? I got my ways.
They can't cut down that sequoia if one of us is living in it.
- Any volunteers? - I'll do it.
- I am so there! - Oh, me, me, me! Whoa.
Hold on.
Once you're up there, you can't come down- - Not for a Phish concert, not even for Burning Man.
- [Clamoring.]
Well, someone will hear the call and whoever does will have a place in my heart.
Mm-hmm.
[Sighs.]
Sheesh.
Look at these refugees.
How about a smile? They've undergone terrible hardships.
Well, moping won't make it better.
Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do.
You're not gonna like it, but I really believe it's the right thing.
Marge, she's gonna narc on our stash.
We don't have a stash.
No.
Of course not.
[Grunts, Gasps.]
Wow.
Oh, I didn't think it would be so high.
Maybe I could just circulate a petition.
[Clucking.]
Oh, I'll show you.
[Grunting.]
[Grunting Continues.]
[Moans.]
[Panting.]
Well, this looks like a good place to set up camp.
Wow! What a view.
- [Vehicles Approaching.]
- [Birds Screeching.]
Gentlemen, start your chain saws.
- [Chain Saws Buzzing.]
- [Lisa.]
Not so fast! - [Chain Saws Stop.]
- Now, you come down from there, missy! I won't come down till you spare this tree.
[Brakes Screech.]
- Hang in there, Laura! - It's Lisa! Right! Lisa.
You're hard core.
Oh, he said I was hard core.
Oh-Whoa! [Moaning.]
[Grunting.]
Oh, no! My baby's up there! It's okay, Mom.
I have a safety line.
This is your fault, with your nonthreatening, Bobby Sherman-style good looks.
No girl could resist your charms.
- This was her choice, Mr.
Simpson.
- I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
I was lost in your eyes.
[Lisa.]
All right! A care bucket.
[Grunting.]
Hot Thai soup! Oh, Bart! "Dear Lisa, you rock.
"Mom is calling rescue agencies "Dad is building a giant ladder "but it is of poor quality.
We miss you.
Bart.
" Aww.
It's day four for Springfield's "li'lest" tree hugger.
[Chuckles.]
Excuse me.
That's "littlest" tree hugger.
And whether you love or hate her politics you've gotta go gawk at this crazy idiot.
- [Thunderclap.]
- Oh.
Oh, 7:00.
The family's just sitting down to dinner.
- Aww.
- [Sputtering.]
You call that saying grace? [Growling.]
[Thunder Rumbling.]
Oh, now they're making popcorn and hanging Christmas stockings.
And coloring Easter eggs.
Oh, I can't take it.
Would it be so bad if I just went home for an hour? [Grunts.]
Whoa.
Don't worry.
I'll be right back.
Ew.
Someone's been marking their territory.
- Hey, everybody.
L- - [Homer Snoring.]
Aww.
I'll just rest here for a minute.
Ahh.
[Babbling.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, it's morning! I gotta get back.
[Panting.]
Ooh.
Oh, no.
Oh, Mom, those loggers chopped down the tree.
Why did I have to leave my post? Now, honey, let's turn on the news and forget our troubles.
Springfield's oldest resident has died.
[Chuckling.]
No, it wasn't Mr.
Burns.
It was this majestic old redwood which was brutally cut down last night- - [Groans.]
- Not by loggers, but by lightning- Lightning? Oh! At least it wasn't my fault.
- Lightning attracted by this metal bucket.
- [Groans.]
Still unknown is the fate of tree-sitter Lisa Simpson.
I'm afraid it doesn't look good, Kent.
We found her sleeping bag right here.
Our working theory is that the lightning exploded her.
- Back to you, Kent.
- You don't get to say that! [Kent Brockman.]
Good-bye, Lisa.
We'll miss you.
Oh, no! Lisa's gone! And nothing will bring her back.
- Unless- - Dad, I'm not dead.
Oh, praise God! You're alive.
- Unless- - Oh, my.
They made you a shrine.
I loved Lisa Simpson- Loved her like a shrub.
And I would give anything to see her sweet face again.
Oh! [Giggles.]
But in death, she will do more for our cause than she ever could have done in life.
Uh-huh.
In Texas, we do tragedy right.
That's why in memory of that poor little girl I'm turning this entire forest into the Lisa Simpson Wilderness Preserve.
We won, Lisa.
We finally won.
This is for you.
[Gasps.]
He cut off his favorite dread.
- [TV Off.]
- We have to tell them you're not dead.
No, Mom.
It's a memorial forest now.
If I'm alive, they'll cut it down.
You are not pretending to be dead, young lady.
This family has had nothing but bad luck when it comes to farce.
- [Doorbell Rings.]
- [Ned.]
Homer, it's Neddie.
I baked you a little something to ease the pain.
Oh! [Groaning.]
Must hide Lisa! [High-pitched Voice.]
Come in.
So, Bart, our school policy is to give students in your situation straight A's.
- Get out! What's the catch? - The tragic loss of your sister.
Ah, yes.
Ghastly business, that.
- Grieving father comin' through.
- Homer, uh, booze is on the house seeing as how Lisa is, um- Oh, how do I put this? Ridin' the midnight train to slab city.
Thanks for the beer, Moe.
But before Lisa died, she made this tape that I think you should hear.
[Lisa's Voice.]
Dear Moe, if anything should ever happen to me I want you to tear up my dad's tab and pour cocktail onions- - Dad, I can't.
- [Homer's Voice.]
Read it! [Lisa.]
Pour cocktail onions down your pants.
Well, I ain't never said no to a dead girl yet.
[Groans.]
And now, Branford Marsalis will play using Lisa's very own saxophone.
Don't touch it! They can clone her from the spit.
- [Sobbing.]
- [Quimby.]
Good luck, Milhouse.
And finally, an exciting announcement from our good friends at Omni-Pave.
Folks, last night the dear departed Lisa came to me in a dream and she told me her fondest wish was that this forest would become the world's "rootin'est," "tootin'est," "pollutin'est" amusement park! [Crowd Murmuring.]
[Apu.]
It was Lisa's dream.
You promised us a nature preserve.
Now, don't you fret.
We're sensitive to all your "eco-concerns.
" That's it, boys.
The gift shop will go right there.
Yee-haw! Cut it down! [Laughs.]
- [Lisa.]
No! - Wha- [Crowd Gasps, Murmurs.]
[Stammering.]
A g-g-g-girl! I'm not dead-And neither is my sense of moral outrage.
- Oh, here we go.
- Sir, have you no shame? Clearly, I don't.
[Chittering.]
Now get your heinie off of Lisa Land! A redwood is not a promotional tool.
Good Lord! He's cutting the guy-wires! [Screams.]
[Crowd Clamoring.]
[Cheering.]
Nice work, tree.
Now return to me.
- I don't get it.
- What? Oh, right- I don't have super powers just yet.
Sweet.
It's headed for the business district.
Not my company! [Screaming.]
No! It was finger Ling-Ling good.
Whoa! [Together.]
No! Yee-haw! Score one for the bad guys.
[Laughs.]
Hey, Lisa.
Aw, Jesse, they locked you up again.
Yeah, but I'm still fighting for the earth.
I even got 'em to install a solar-powered electric chair.
- [Buzzing.]
- Dude, we've been here all morning.
Could you at least re-moisten my head sponge? Well, I'll write you letters- on rice paper with a soy pencil.
- Aw, you're sweet.
- [Sighs.]
- Did they ever stop that log? - Not yet.
What's up with that? [Chorus.]
#This log is your log # # This log is my log # # When lightning struck it # # It kicked the bucket # I poured some onions Inside my trousers [Chorus.]
#This log, It used to be a tree # - [Horn Blows.]
- # Now it spreads love to you and me # # Hey, look It's heading out # - # To sea ## - [Dolphins Laughing.]
## [Techno Beat.]
[Man, Indistinct.]
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!