Would I Lie To You? (2007) s12e04 Episode Script
Prue Leith, Big Narstie, Scarlett Moffatt, Tomasz Schafernaker
Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show that separates the truth from the twaddle.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a TV presenter who used to work in a supermarket.
We're delighted she's here tonight, as there's been a spillage in aisle four.
It's Scarlett Moffatt! And one of the BBC's top weather presenters, and if you're looking for today's forecast, nice outlook, with some hot air to the West, and damp patches in the East.
It's Tomasz Schafernaker! And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a brilliant baker and grandmother to three, I guess you could call her a Nan bread.
It's Prue Leith! And a grime artist who invited Ed Sheeran to become godfather to his daughter - an act which is as touching as it is financially shrewd.
It's Big Narstie! We begin, of course, with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from fiction.
Scarlett, we're starting with you.
I once kept a fish in Ribena.
Right.
David's team.
- A live fish in Ribena? - A live fish.
- What fish was it? - Goldfish.
- What did it die of, diabetes? Just old age, it was four, it lasted ages.
So was this Ribena like neat Ribena? So what happened is, in the olden days, when I was younger, you could win fish at the fair Why did you look at me when you said olden days? So I was at the fair with my dad, won on the hook a duck, a fish, because that's what they used to give you, and then on the way home, as I am very clumsy, I dropped the fish on the floor, and the only thing that we had was a carton of Ribena, so my dad ripped it open, half of it, with his teeth, popped the little fish in.
- Took it home.
- So, how long was it in this Ribena? - About a good 15 minutes.
- Or a traumatic 15 minutes - I've seen your dad on Gogglebox.
- Yeah? - He doesn't strike me as the kind of man that's ripping that Ribena off.
- Whose team are you on?! I think he's just going to, like, squash it and buy a new one.
Oh, no, because we love animals and fish and that.
You can't just kill a fish.
I mean, I have to say, you can just kill a fish, and there are many restaurants that trade pretty much exclusively on that premise.
No, I know, but to, like, kill it when it's helpless I mean, if you think you go into these places and they all died of natural causes Sorry, we're not frying tonight, we're waiting for a cod pandemic.
- Hey, that's funny, you know! - Oh, thank you very much! I knew, I knew it would come at some point.
- I'm scared of fish.
- You're scared of fish? - Even goldfish? - I don't like no fish, I don't like the way they look at me.
When I was little, a fish slapped me in the face in Brixton market and it freaked me out.
I don't think the fish slapped you in the face, Narstie It slapped me in the face! No, it was a person slapped you in the face with a fish.
No, the fish jumped up and it slapped me.
I sit corrected.
I don't care that we're on TV, I don't care that we're on TV, I've got to tell the truth, yeah? I was with my mum and dad in Brixton market, and I was, like, "Ooh, fishes!" Walked over there, they was all on the ice and that, so you go over there, thinking, oh, dead fish, touched it, it jumped up, slapped me, yeah? I then Usain Bolted it, yeah? Mum had to put in a run.
It seriously slapped me.
I think this is the truth.
What are you thinking, Prue, does it strike you as true? I think Scarlett's a fantastic actress - Isn't she? - Isn't she? - Isn't she? - And it's just a lie.
- Lie - Narstie, what about you? - Do you think it's true or a lie? - Hold on, let me turn into Poirot Well, Monsieur, it seems too good to be true.
Mademoiselle is lying.
- You think it's a lie? - I think it's a lie, monsieur.
- You think it's a lie? - I will go with my team and say it's a lie.
- You're going to go with your team and say it's a lie No, no, Narstie, she presses the button But I love your enthusiasm.
So, Scarlett Moffatt, a goldfish in a carton.
- Yeah.
- Truth or lie? It was .
.
true! Yes, it's true.
Scarlett did once keep a fish in Ribena.
Tomasz, you're next.
Until my mid-30s, I had no idea that lambs were in fact baby sheep.
David's team.
Until your mid-30s?! - How old are you now? - I'm in my late 30s.
When you're on television, you refer to it as the mid to high 30s - why don't you do that with your age? How did you learn? I was in Cumbria, and we were filming for a weather show, and I had to do a piece about clouds, about red sky at night, shepherds' delight.
I've never understood the phrase, why is it so specific to shepherds? Nobody Everyone likes the sun, no-one likes the rain.
Because the shepherds in particular, though Spare a thought - for the shepherds watching now, they're out in all weathers.
- What about the hang gliders? Red sky at night, hang gliders' delight.
Red sky in the morning, hang gliders' warning.
- Hello, can you help me? Excuse me? - Big Narstie.
I'm black, I don't understand none of that stuff you guys are talking about.
- You've never heard red sky at night, shepherds' delight? - No.
- Red sky in morning, shepherds' warning? - This is what's called middle-class rapping.
So, you're in Cumbria, what are you doing there? So we'd been filming the whole day, and I'd been walking amongst - these animals, I mean, there were - Hey, they're called northerners.
- To be honest, because I was so focused on my lines - Yeah? .
.
I wasn't really paying that much attention to what - I just saw there were lots of fluffy animals everywhere - Yeah.
And you thought, the clouds have fallen! So, we're sitting there, and the farmer and his wife are saying that they do a programme called Lambing Live.
I said, "Why is it that it's called lambing?" And there's this sort of silence there for a bit, and so the camera crew were looking at me, thinking, "What are you talking about?!" I said, "Well, because - why is it not sheeping?" - So, sheep sheep, and lamb lamb.
" - Yes A sheep gives birth to a baby sheep, and a lamb gives birth to a baby So you thought a lamb was one woolly thing, - and a sheep was another woolly thing.
- So, as it were, like an orange and a satsuma? For a hot sec, I was on the same kind of ideology as you, you know? - Did you express this confusion? - I did, and I wish I hadn't, actually, because of the looks I got.
Did you then say, what's that big yellow bright thing in the sky? What, erm What is You're But, because You're a You're a scientist, aren't you? - That's You Meteorologist is a type of scientist? - Yeah.
What did What What A-levels What A-levels did you do? That's David's very polite way of saying you are thick! No, the thing is that when you see a little lamb there, and another sheep, the things look so different.
- You think they look nothing like each other? - No! You wait till I explain the life cycle of the frog, it will blow your mind! Have you ever seen an adult caterpillar? It's a butterfly Oh, yeah, butterfly! I know that one, I forgot! Are you all right? What are you thinking, Prue? Well, I think it's got to be a lie, because I can't believe that a weatherman, who is conscious of the seasons and knows what happens in the spring - I think you're making it up.
- Do you think it's true? - Prue - Yeah, well, it seems like I'm an idiot so far! - What's that supposed to mean? - What, we're going down together 'Naker man, at least, flippin' hell! So, what's it going to be, David? Well, I think he's a scientist, I think he'd know.
- I'm going to go with Prue, we're going to say it's a lie.
- Tomasz, truth or lie? It is, in fact .
.
true.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH I knew it, I knew it! Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Zoe.
So, Tomasz, who is Zoe to you? This is Zoe, and while handing her a prize at the UK Weather Awards, I was struck on the head - by a Perspex lightning bolt.
- Right, Tomasz's weather woman.
Scarlett, how do you know Zoe? This is me old flatmate, Zoe, we once discovered we'd been burgled, when we arrived home dressed as burglars.
Scarlett's burgled burglar, and Lee, what's your relationship with Zoe? This is Zoe.
Together we formed a search party, and scoured a campsite by torchlight for a missing cuddly frog.
David's team, where will you begin? - Er, Tomasz, this was at what awards? - The UK Weather Awards.
And what are the UK Weather Awards given for? Bestrainstorm? What is it? It could be the best national weather presenter, - regional weather presenter, erm - Any more? - What was Zoe winning for? - She's a regional weather presenter from Northern Ireland.
- And she won best regional weather presenter? - Yes.
- And were you hosting the awards, or? - No.
You were just there to give that award out.
- I was just handing the prize to her.
- And what happened? At one point, there was just a A noise, and something hit my head, I had no idea what it was, and it fell from above.
It was a Perspex thunderbolt, it was part of the decorations, - the symbols, hanging above the stage.
- Part of the set? - Yes.
And this thunderbolt and lightning, was it very, very frightening? Did you do the Fandango? When it hit my head, I didn't obviously know it was a thunderbolt at the time until I saw it.
You literally - you didn't know what had hit you? - Exactly, exactly.
- And then you saw what had hit you.
I was really surprised.
Well, wouldn't you be? Yes, I would be, yeah, I'd be surprised if it was true.
- Who next, David? - Lee, what's the story here? - Zoe and I - Yeah? We had to do a late-night cuddly-frog search by torchlight.
OK, so, who Who did the cuddly frogs belong to? The cuddly frog belongs to Zoe's very young child.
How did you know Zoe? Zoe was about four or five tents down from us, I didn't know Zoe at all.
Paint the picture for us, Lee, you're in the tent, have you zipper up? Oh, yeah, we're totally flap down.
Right, you and Mrs Mack are cuddled together We are You know, we're on our inflatable mattress Right, what happens? As you know, Mrs Mack is also inflatable, and It was very much an inflatable The kids, they're not really - And then, a rat-a-tat-tat? - Yeah, you don't do it on a tent, it wouldn't work, a flap-a-flap-flap.
- And what happened? - I heard a sort of distressed - Signal? Er, whimper, is the only way I could say it A whimper? - Now, who is this? This is Zoe, or is this still your wife? - This, no, this is This is not my wife, this is This is Zoe, who I don't know at this point is called Zoe - No.
No, no.
- Zoe is outside the tent, sounding a bit distressed, and then I heard, maybe three or four tents down, the crying of a small child.
Oh "Oh, where's my frog?" He said.
"Where's my frog?" And, I said, "Darling, we'll finish this in a moment, "I must go out and I will see what's going on.
" So she put the Scrabble set away So I stepped out of the tent, and I said, "Are you OK?" And she was a bit teary, and she went, "Not really, my My child's toy" - I thought she had a Northern Ireland accent Oh, no, that was - No, that's me! - They can't all be true! But you do know that means that you're now not telling the truth? Yeah Think about the logic My advice to you, Scarlett, is to pretend that your former flatmate is also a Northern Irish weather presenter.
So, I got outside the tent, and I see that Zoe is a bit distressed.
I said, "Madam, can I be of any assistance to you? - She said - What did you have on your feet? - What did I have on my feet? I had skis! What do you mean, what did I have on my feet? - Well, hear me out, you've sprung into action - Yes, all right.
- In the tent - All right, I had springs on my feet.
And I'm wondering, do you do your shoes and take a while, do you sling on a pair of Crocs? No, I had my I had my slippers on, my lambskin slippers, and, erm, I went outside, with my little slippers on, and I said, "Are you OK?" And she went, "No, my child's lost his toy, "and he's getting very distressed and he can't sleep without it.
" And I said, "Well, hey, you shouldn't be doing this on your own.
" I said, "Love, get out of the tent and help this woman!" But she was snoring at this point, so I got the torch, - and we went searching for the frog.
- Where did you find the frog? Well, this is the This is the, er, interesting part of the story, he said, hopefully I hope so It was actually in, erm There was a small, like, shop on camp, and, erm, it was in the fridge of the shop, and the shop was dark, but the fridge was lit up, because the fridge stays on, and it was sitting in the fridge.
The child has put the toy, apparently, in the fridge, to play a game, forgotten about it, left it, and it's just stayed there.
You could see it behind the glass-fronted fridge? And the shop was locked, because it was night-time.
- No - So we had to leave it, we couldn't I was going to break in through the skylight.
I thought, I can't do that, can I? I can't break in for a soft toy with a woman I've never met, with a couple of torches, and we both had balaclavas on, it would have looked dodgy - Narstie, are you taking notes? - Hey? No, I think you're doing a drawing, aren't you? No offence to him, he was boring the life out of me.
I've got a short attention span! Now, look, Scarlett, remind us how you know Zoe.
So, Zoe is my How you know Northern Ireland weatherwoman Zoe.
- So, me and Zoe went to uni together - Right And we lived together, and we had been on a night out, got back and discovered that we had been burgled, - whilst dressed as burglars.
- Right, OK.
- Why were you dressed as burglars? So, when you do initiations, because we were in the hockey society together, we had to dress as burglars, because we were in the first year, and then the second and third years dressed as cops.
So we went out, and we had swag bags, masks, stripy jumper, and then came back and discovered we'd been burgled.
So obviously when the police rocked up, they thought we were joking.
And we were in hysterics, I was just stood there with my swag - bag, like, going, "We've been burgled!" - Did the police think you'd burgled it yourselves? - I think they just thought it was like a uni prank.
- Right.
Are you sure they were police? Because you said it was a cops-and-robbers party? - They legit were, because we'd rang them, yeah.
- Right, OK And, what was funny is, my friend Sarah's mam came to pick me and Sarah up, and when she went in my bedroom, she started crying.
She was, like, "Oh, my God, look what they've done," and I was like, "No, Wendy, this was just my room! "My room's just a mess, they just took my laptop off me bed, it's fine.
" Why would they smear that on the walls? What? Is it? Narstie's saying you don't look the same age.
Yeah, man, there's some Back To The Future, Marty McFly business.
- If you was in the same uni - Yeah? .
.
you must be a first grade, and she was at least a year above you.
No offence, Zoe.
How old do you think I am? All right, you look, yeah, realistically, yeah This is no time for realism.
- How old do I look? - Early 20s? Late 20s? - No, I'm not, I'm not early 20s.
- Late 20s? - I'm 28 this year.
- So late 20s, then? - Yeah.
- Yeah? You go, girl.
- Mid to high 20s.
- Yeah.
Mid to high 20s, yeah? Boom.
- Oh, Narstie, please be nice.
- Zoe You look like You look like me, baby girl, you could be in your 30s.
- Boom.
- Can I ask you a question, Narstie? Have you ever met a woman? Yeah, course I have, but you've got to be honest, we're trying to save people's lives right now.
- What do you want? - Whose lives are getting saved? - You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! You know what I mean? It's true, though, innit? It's like me saying, "Rah, I was in school with my mum.
" Like Yeah, but Zoe Zoe's younger than me! Zoe's actually Zoe is legit younger than me.
- No, because she was finding her kid's frog - No, she wasn't LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH Anyway, anyway Let's just say Let's just say "boom", move on.
Erm Prue, what do you think? I believe half of Lee's story, is that all right? Well, that's a first.
- Narstie? - Yeah, erm, erm Tabernacle man.
- What? - Well - 'Taker man.
- He definitely means you, Tomasz.
- What's the name of our Prime Minister again? What's that woman's name? - Theresa May.
- Yeah, see Although at the time of broadcast, it won't be - Well, she had malfunctions on her set, and things dropped down - Yeah That's a very good point, Narstie, exactly what he's talking about.
- Things happen like that on the weather all the time.
- That's true actually, yeah.
This is like one of those buddy-buddy cop movies, isn't it, where the two different cops have been paired together GEEKY POSH VOICE: "I really don't think this is going to work, but we'll give it a go.
" But you get But you solve the crime.
That's a very good impression of Big Narstie.
Well, my team doesn't think it's Scarlett, so we're ruling out Scarlett, and then it has to be one - of Lee or Tomasz.
Oh - 'Maker man.
- All right, go on.
- You're going with Tomasz? - We'll go with Tomasz.
No, no, it's not you.
It's not you.
Here we go.
Zoe, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Zoe, and Scarlett and I discovered we'd been burgled, whilst dressed as burglars! Yes, Zoe is Scarlett's burgled burglar.
- Thank you very much, Zoe.
- Thank you.
No way! Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's David.
Last year, at a village fete, I won a welly-boot-throwing competition, and appeared in the local paper with the caption "Fling the Merciless".
Lee's team.
Was this in your hometown? - Er, no.
- Where All right, OK.
- Had you cut a ribbon? Had you opened the fete? - No, I wasn't there in an official capacity, I was - Because I'd be disappointed, and I don't mean this in a In a horrible way - Yeah .
.
if you were the celebrity that was opening my fate - I'm sorry, but there it is.
Yes, no I know you would be disappointed, because you'd want the gig yourself.
- What was the weather like? - Here we go.
It was fine.
Fine as in "fine", not fine as in "fine!" Yeah.
How far did you throw it? Erm I mean A long way.
I'm no expert on distance, but it would have to be I suppose It felt like it was about two miles.
- OK, let me say that from me to you - Yeah Right, I don't want to sound like the Chuckle Brothers, - but from me to you is a unit of measurement - OK I haven't heard the Chuckle Brothers being referenced for ages.
Yeah, all right, I don't do the modern stuff.
You've just proved that you don't watch this programme.
- The distance between me and you is one unit of measurement.
- OK.
How many Mitchell-Macks was it that you threw? I think Well, it was a good throw, I'd say three - 3-3½ - Mitchell-Macks.
- Go on, Mikey, knuckle in, knuckle in, that's powerful, - that's powerful.
- Oh, thank you very, yeah - Tomasz, what are you thinking? - I think it's a lie.
I'm not quite sure why I think it's a lie, I just think he's lying.
You probably think a Wellington's a grown-up sandal.
So, Lee, are you going to go with your team? - You're both saying it's a lie, are you? - Yeah.
- Well, we have to go with the team.
- You have to go with them, they're saying it's a lie.
- David, truth or lie? - Well, it is .
.
a lie.
Yes, it's a lie, David didn't win a welly-boot-throwing competition.
- Next - Blagged it well, though.
.
.
it's Narstie.
Yay! It's time to wake up.
It says possession, but I was young, I was young! I was young! There's a little box under your desk, if you take the item out of the box and put it on the desk, OK, pop it on the desk first, and then read out the card.
This is an Ukabong.
Me and my cousins would each make a Ukabong to play the Narstie family - game, Ukabong.
- What?! - There we are, Lee's team.
- So you're saying it's called a Ucker-bong? - Ukabong.
- Ookah? - Ukabong.
- How do you spell it, Narstie? Just spell it for Lee, because he's a bit slow.
- U-K - Yeah - A - Yeah - And then bong! - Bong.
- So U-K-A - And then bong.
How do you make it? What's it made of? - It's a sock.
- It's made out of socks.
- What's inside the sock? - More socks.
- More socks.
Is it just lots of socks? So, boom, basically, it's a family game, - and everyone, everyone has their own ukabong.
- Right - Do you hit each other? - Yeah, it's your own tool.
- So you whack people with that? - Yeah.
- With the ukabong.
Yeah, with your own ukabong, but there's stipulations to it.
You've got to all be in a room, and you've got to turn off the lights, yeah? And the hit only counts, yeah, it's if you hit someone and you say "ukabong".
If you hit someone, yeah, and you don't say ukabong, the whole room rushes you.
And then my grandma says the first one who cries gets beaten.
We'll be in my grandma's, yeah, top room, boom, there's, like, 15 cousins and my uncle Simon, yeah? - Boom! My uncle Simon's a cool cat, he was a cool cat.
- Yeah? Yeah, so boom now, everyone's got their ukabong, yeah? - David is very nervous.
- I haven't even got my own ukabong.
I'm defenceless.
Hang on a minute, I've got one here.
- You've got a back-up ukabong! - Thank you very much.
So, boom now, yeah? - We're in the room now, it's where - CHUCKLES It's all dark and that, swinging at everyone, ukabong, ukabong, so then boom, if I hit you, ukabong, obviously it probably hurts, you go, "Oh!" But now, my uncle Simon, yeah, we thought he had the special ukabong, yeah? Oh, this is taking a sinister turn Mindful, his ukabong was sent from God.
Do you know what my uncle used to do? He used to put a tennis ball in his ukabong.
Do you know what? I thought it was going to be worse than that.
Yeah, so he would come with, like, Zeus' ukabong.
One shot, KO! Everyone's out, starts crying, grandma comes in, everyone gets their arse bust and you have to read Bible.
If it's dark, how does everyone know that you've successfully ukabonged somebody? You could be lying.
- Because you'll hear someone say, "Ow!" - Yeah, you're definitely going to hear an "ow".
And when uncle Simon's one goes off, it's more of a "Eurgh!" - What do you think, Scarlett? - I want to do it, I really want to play now.
I think it's true.
- Scarlett - Yay, can I? Yes! Hang on, Lee Ukabong! Ukabong! This is popular! Hey, guys, I've got a great idea, let's all ukabong Rob! Ukabong! There we are, that's what we pay our licence fee for, thank you very much.
- What are you thinking, then, Lee? Why don't you go for a guess here? - What do you think, Scarlett? - I think it's 100% true.
- You do, why? - Yeah, because it's just fun, isn't it? I can imagine you doing that.
- Is that fun? - Ah! - Sorry, ukabong.
- Oh, yeah, then we all have to attack him.
- That's just domestic violence without "ukabong", bruv.
- Tomasz? - I'm with the other two, I think it's absolutely true.
You all think it's true, OK, Narstie, truth or lie? True! Yes, it's true, Narstie's family did play a game called uka KLAXON That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show, and I can reveal that David's team have no points.
Lee's team have five.
Thank you very much for watching, we'll see you next time, good night.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a TV presenter who used to work in a supermarket.
We're delighted she's here tonight, as there's been a spillage in aisle four.
It's Scarlett Moffatt! And one of the BBC's top weather presenters, and if you're looking for today's forecast, nice outlook, with some hot air to the West, and damp patches in the East.
It's Tomasz Schafernaker! And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a brilliant baker and grandmother to three, I guess you could call her a Nan bread.
It's Prue Leith! And a grime artist who invited Ed Sheeran to become godfather to his daughter - an act which is as touching as it is financially shrewd.
It's Big Narstie! We begin, of course, with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from fiction.
Scarlett, we're starting with you.
I once kept a fish in Ribena.
Right.
David's team.
- A live fish in Ribena? - A live fish.
- What fish was it? - Goldfish.
- What did it die of, diabetes? Just old age, it was four, it lasted ages.
So was this Ribena like neat Ribena? So what happened is, in the olden days, when I was younger, you could win fish at the fair Why did you look at me when you said olden days? So I was at the fair with my dad, won on the hook a duck, a fish, because that's what they used to give you, and then on the way home, as I am very clumsy, I dropped the fish on the floor, and the only thing that we had was a carton of Ribena, so my dad ripped it open, half of it, with his teeth, popped the little fish in.
- Took it home.
- So, how long was it in this Ribena? - About a good 15 minutes.
- Or a traumatic 15 minutes - I've seen your dad on Gogglebox.
- Yeah? - He doesn't strike me as the kind of man that's ripping that Ribena off.
- Whose team are you on?! I think he's just going to, like, squash it and buy a new one.
Oh, no, because we love animals and fish and that.
You can't just kill a fish.
I mean, I have to say, you can just kill a fish, and there are many restaurants that trade pretty much exclusively on that premise.
No, I know, but to, like, kill it when it's helpless I mean, if you think you go into these places and they all died of natural causes Sorry, we're not frying tonight, we're waiting for a cod pandemic.
- Hey, that's funny, you know! - Oh, thank you very much! I knew, I knew it would come at some point.
- I'm scared of fish.
- You're scared of fish? - Even goldfish? - I don't like no fish, I don't like the way they look at me.
When I was little, a fish slapped me in the face in Brixton market and it freaked me out.
I don't think the fish slapped you in the face, Narstie It slapped me in the face! No, it was a person slapped you in the face with a fish.
No, the fish jumped up and it slapped me.
I sit corrected.
I don't care that we're on TV, I don't care that we're on TV, I've got to tell the truth, yeah? I was with my mum and dad in Brixton market, and I was, like, "Ooh, fishes!" Walked over there, they was all on the ice and that, so you go over there, thinking, oh, dead fish, touched it, it jumped up, slapped me, yeah? I then Usain Bolted it, yeah? Mum had to put in a run.
It seriously slapped me.
I think this is the truth.
What are you thinking, Prue, does it strike you as true? I think Scarlett's a fantastic actress - Isn't she? - Isn't she? - Isn't she? - And it's just a lie.
- Lie - Narstie, what about you? - Do you think it's true or a lie? - Hold on, let me turn into Poirot Well, Monsieur, it seems too good to be true.
Mademoiselle is lying.
- You think it's a lie? - I think it's a lie, monsieur.
- You think it's a lie? - I will go with my team and say it's a lie.
- You're going to go with your team and say it's a lie No, no, Narstie, she presses the button But I love your enthusiasm.
So, Scarlett Moffatt, a goldfish in a carton.
- Yeah.
- Truth or lie? It was .
.
true! Yes, it's true.
Scarlett did once keep a fish in Ribena.
Tomasz, you're next.
Until my mid-30s, I had no idea that lambs were in fact baby sheep.
David's team.
Until your mid-30s?! - How old are you now? - I'm in my late 30s.
When you're on television, you refer to it as the mid to high 30s - why don't you do that with your age? How did you learn? I was in Cumbria, and we were filming for a weather show, and I had to do a piece about clouds, about red sky at night, shepherds' delight.
I've never understood the phrase, why is it so specific to shepherds? Nobody Everyone likes the sun, no-one likes the rain.
Because the shepherds in particular, though Spare a thought - for the shepherds watching now, they're out in all weathers.
- What about the hang gliders? Red sky at night, hang gliders' delight.
Red sky in the morning, hang gliders' warning.
- Hello, can you help me? Excuse me? - Big Narstie.
I'm black, I don't understand none of that stuff you guys are talking about.
- You've never heard red sky at night, shepherds' delight? - No.
- Red sky in morning, shepherds' warning? - This is what's called middle-class rapping.
So, you're in Cumbria, what are you doing there? So we'd been filming the whole day, and I'd been walking amongst - these animals, I mean, there were - Hey, they're called northerners.
- To be honest, because I was so focused on my lines - Yeah? .
.
I wasn't really paying that much attention to what - I just saw there were lots of fluffy animals everywhere - Yeah.
And you thought, the clouds have fallen! So, we're sitting there, and the farmer and his wife are saying that they do a programme called Lambing Live.
I said, "Why is it that it's called lambing?" And there's this sort of silence there for a bit, and so the camera crew were looking at me, thinking, "What are you talking about?!" I said, "Well, because - why is it not sheeping?" - So, sheep sheep, and lamb lamb.
" - Yes A sheep gives birth to a baby sheep, and a lamb gives birth to a baby So you thought a lamb was one woolly thing, - and a sheep was another woolly thing.
- So, as it were, like an orange and a satsuma? For a hot sec, I was on the same kind of ideology as you, you know? - Did you express this confusion? - I did, and I wish I hadn't, actually, because of the looks I got.
Did you then say, what's that big yellow bright thing in the sky? What, erm What is You're But, because You're a You're a scientist, aren't you? - That's You Meteorologist is a type of scientist? - Yeah.
What did What What A-levels What A-levels did you do? That's David's very polite way of saying you are thick! No, the thing is that when you see a little lamb there, and another sheep, the things look so different.
- You think they look nothing like each other? - No! You wait till I explain the life cycle of the frog, it will blow your mind! Have you ever seen an adult caterpillar? It's a butterfly Oh, yeah, butterfly! I know that one, I forgot! Are you all right? What are you thinking, Prue? Well, I think it's got to be a lie, because I can't believe that a weatherman, who is conscious of the seasons and knows what happens in the spring - I think you're making it up.
- Do you think it's true? - Prue - Yeah, well, it seems like I'm an idiot so far! - What's that supposed to mean? - What, we're going down together 'Naker man, at least, flippin' hell! So, what's it going to be, David? Well, I think he's a scientist, I think he'd know.
- I'm going to go with Prue, we're going to say it's a lie.
- Tomasz, truth or lie? It is, in fact .
.
true.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH I knew it, I knew it! Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Zoe.
So, Tomasz, who is Zoe to you? This is Zoe, and while handing her a prize at the UK Weather Awards, I was struck on the head - by a Perspex lightning bolt.
- Right, Tomasz's weather woman.
Scarlett, how do you know Zoe? This is me old flatmate, Zoe, we once discovered we'd been burgled, when we arrived home dressed as burglars.
Scarlett's burgled burglar, and Lee, what's your relationship with Zoe? This is Zoe.
Together we formed a search party, and scoured a campsite by torchlight for a missing cuddly frog.
David's team, where will you begin? - Er, Tomasz, this was at what awards? - The UK Weather Awards.
And what are the UK Weather Awards given for? Bestrainstorm? What is it? It could be the best national weather presenter, - regional weather presenter, erm - Any more? - What was Zoe winning for? - She's a regional weather presenter from Northern Ireland.
- And she won best regional weather presenter? - Yes.
- And were you hosting the awards, or? - No.
You were just there to give that award out.
- I was just handing the prize to her.
- And what happened? At one point, there was just a A noise, and something hit my head, I had no idea what it was, and it fell from above.
It was a Perspex thunderbolt, it was part of the decorations, - the symbols, hanging above the stage.
- Part of the set? - Yes.
And this thunderbolt and lightning, was it very, very frightening? Did you do the Fandango? When it hit my head, I didn't obviously know it was a thunderbolt at the time until I saw it.
You literally - you didn't know what had hit you? - Exactly, exactly.
- And then you saw what had hit you.
I was really surprised.
Well, wouldn't you be? Yes, I would be, yeah, I'd be surprised if it was true.
- Who next, David? - Lee, what's the story here? - Zoe and I - Yeah? We had to do a late-night cuddly-frog search by torchlight.
OK, so, who Who did the cuddly frogs belong to? The cuddly frog belongs to Zoe's very young child.
How did you know Zoe? Zoe was about four or five tents down from us, I didn't know Zoe at all.
Paint the picture for us, Lee, you're in the tent, have you zipper up? Oh, yeah, we're totally flap down.
Right, you and Mrs Mack are cuddled together We are You know, we're on our inflatable mattress Right, what happens? As you know, Mrs Mack is also inflatable, and It was very much an inflatable The kids, they're not really - And then, a rat-a-tat-tat? - Yeah, you don't do it on a tent, it wouldn't work, a flap-a-flap-flap.
- And what happened? - I heard a sort of distressed - Signal? Er, whimper, is the only way I could say it A whimper? - Now, who is this? This is Zoe, or is this still your wife? - This, no, this is This is not my wife, this is This is Zoe, who I don't know at this point is called Zoe - No.
No, no.
- Zoe is outside the tent, sounding a bit distressed, and then I heard, maybe three or four tents down, the crying of a small child.
Oh "Oh, where's my frog?" He said.
"Where's my frog?" And, I said, "Darling, we'll finish this in a moment, "I must go out and I will see what's going on.
" So she put the Scrabble set away So I stepped out of the tent, and I said, "Are you OK?" And she was a bit teary, and she went, "Not really, my My child's toy" - I thought she had a Northern Ireland accent Oh, no, that was - No, that's me! - They can't all be true! But you do know that means that you're now not telling the truth? Yeah Think about the logic My advice to you, Scarlett, is to pretend that your former flatmate is also a Northern Irish weather presenter.
So, I got outside the tent, and I see that Zoe is a bit distressed.
I said, "Madam, can I be of any assistance to you? - She said - What did you have on your feet? - What did I have on my feet? I had skis! What do you mean, what did I have on my feet? - Well, hear me out, you've sprung into action - Yes, all right.
- In the tent - All right, I had springs on my feet.
And I'm wondering, do you do your shoes and take a while, do you sling on a pair of Crocs? No, I had my I had my slippers on, my lambskin slippers, and, erm, I went outside, with my little slippers on, and I said, "Are you OK?" And she went, "No, my child's lost his toy, "and he's getting very distressed and he can't sleep without it.
" And I said, "Well, hey, you shouldn't be doing this on your own.
" I said, "Love, get out of the tent and help this woman!" But she was snoring at this point, so I got the torch, - and we went searching for the frog.
- Where did you find the frog? Well, this is the This is the, er, interesting part of the story, he said, hopefully I hope so It was actually in, erm There was a small, like, shop on camp, and, erm, it was in the fridge of the shop, and the shop was dark, but the fridge was lit up, because the fridge stays on, and it was sitting in the fridge.
The child has put the toy, apparently, in the fridge, to play a game, forgotten about it, left it, and it's just stayed there.
You could see it behind the glass-fronted fridge? And the shop was locked, because it was night-time.
- No - So we had to leave it, we couldn't I was going to break in through the skylight.
I thought, I can't do that, can I? I can't break in for a soft toy with a woman I've never met, with a couple of torches, and we both had balaclavas on, it would have looked dodgy - Narstie, are you taking notes? - Hey? No, I think you're doing a drawing, aren't you? No offence to him, he was boring the life out of me.
I've got a short attention span! Now, look, Scarlett, remind us how you know Zoe.
So, Zoe is my How you know Northern Ireland weatherwoman Zoe.
- So, me and Zoe went to uni together - Right And we lived together, and we had been on a night out, got back and discovered that we had been burgled, - whilst dressed as burglars.
- Right, OK.
- Why were you dressed as burglars? So, when you do initiations, because we were in the hockey society together, we had to dress as burglars, because we were in the first year, and then the second and third years dressed as cops.
So we went out, and we had swag bags, masks, stripy jumper, and then came back and discovered we'd been burgled.
So obviously when the police rocked up, they thought we were joking.
And we were in hysterics, I was just stood there with my swag - bag, like, going, "We've been burgled!" - Did the police think you'd burgled it yourselves? - I think they just thought it was like a uni prank.
- Right.
Are you sure they were police? Because you said it was a cops-and-robbers party? - They legit were, because we'd rang them, yeah.
- Right, OK And, what was funny is, my friend Sarah's mam came to pick me and Sarah up, and when she went in my bedroom, she started crying.
She was, like, "Oh, my God, look what they've done," and I was like, "No, Wendy, this was just my room! "My room's just a mess, they just took my laptop off me bed, it's fine.
" Why would they smear that on the walls? What? Is it? Narstie's saying you don't look the same age.
Yeah, man, there's some Back To The Future, Marty McFly business.
- If you was in the same uni - Yeah? .
.
you must be a first grade, and she was at least a year above you.
No offence, Zoe.
How old do you think I am? All right, you look, yeah, realistically, yeah This is no time for realism.
- How old do I look? - Early 20s? Late 20s? - No, I'm not, I'm not early 20s.
- Late 20s? - I'm 28 this year.
- So late 20s, then? - Yeah.
- Yeah? You go, girl.
- Mid to high 20s.
- Yeah.
Mid to high 20s, yeah? Boom.
- Oh, Narstie, please be nice.
- Zoe You look like You look like me, baby girl, you could be in your 30s.
- Boom.
- Can I ask you a question, Narstie? Have you ever met a woman? Yeah, course I have, but you've got to be honest, we're trying to save people's lives right now.
- What do you want? - Whose lives are getting saved? - You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! You know what I mean? It's true, though, innit? It's like me saying, "Rah, I was in school with my mum.
" Like Yeah, but Zoe Zoe's younger than me! Zoe's actually Zoe is legit younger than me.
- No, because she was finding her kid's frog - No, she wasn't LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH Anyway, anyway Let's just say Let's just say "boom", move on.
Erm Prue, what do you think? I believe half of Lee's story, is that all right? Well, that's a first.
- Narstie? - Yeah, erm, erm Tabernacle man.
- What? - Well - 'Taker man.
- He definitely means you, Tomasz.
- What's the name of our Prime Minister again? What's that woman's name? - Theresa May.
- Yeah, see Although at the time of broadcast, it won't be - Well, she had malfunctions on her set, and things dropped down - Yeah That's a very good point, Narstie, exactly what he's talking about.
- Things happen like that on the weather all the time.
- That's true actually, yeah.
This is like one of those buddy-buddy cop movies, isn't it, where the two different cops have been paired together GEEKY POSH VOICE: "I really don't think this is going to work, but we'll give it a go.
" But you get But you solve the crime.
That's a very good impression of Big Narstie.
Well, my team doesn't think it's Scarlett, so we're ruling out Scarlett, and then it has to be one - of Lee or Tomasz.
Oh - 'Maker man.
- All right, go on.
- You're going with Tomasz? - We'll go with Tomasz.
No, no, it's not you.
It's not you.
Here we go.
Zoe, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Zoe, and Scarlett and I discovered we'd been burgled, whilst dressed as burglars! Yes, Zoe is Scarlett's burgled burglar.
- Thank you very much, Zoe.
- Thank you.
No way! Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's David.
Last year, at a village fete, I won a welly-boot-throwing competition, and appeared in the local paper with the caption "Fling the Merciless".
Lee's team.
Was this in your hometown? - Er, no.
- Where All right, OK.
- Had you cut a ribbon? Had you opened the fete? - No, I wasn't there in an official capacity, I was - Because I'd be disappointed, and I don't mean this in a In a horrible way - Yeah .
.
if you were the celebrity that was opening my fate - I'm sorry, but there it is.
Yes, no I know you would be disappointed, because you'd want the gig yourself.
- What was the weather like? - Here we go.
It was fine.
Fine as in "fine", not fine as in "fine!" Yeah.
How far did you throw it? Erm I mean A long way.
I'm no expert on distance, but it would have to be I suppose It felt like it was about two miles.
- OK, let me say that from me to you - Yeah Right, I don't want to sound like the Chuckle Brothers, - but from me to you is a unit of measurement - OK I haven't heard the Chuckle Brothers being referenced for ages.
Yeah, all right, I don't do the modern stuff.
You've just proved that you don't watch this programme.
- The distance between me and you is one unit of measurement.
- OK.
How many Mitchell-Macks was it that you threw? I think Well, it was a good throw, I'd say three - 3-3½ - Mitchell-Macks.
- Go on, Mikey, knuckle in, knuckle in, that's powerful, - that's powerful.
- Oh, thank you very, yeah - Tomasz, what are you thinking? - I think it's a lie.
I'm not quite sure why I think it's a lie, I just think he's lying.
You probably think a Wellington's a grown-up sandal.
So, Lee, are you going to go with your team? - You're both saying it's a lie, are you? - Yeah.
- Well, we have to go with the team.
- You have to go with them, they're saying it's a lie.
- David, truth or lie? - Well, it is .
.
a lie.
Yes, it's a lie, David didn't win a welly-boot-throwing competition.
- Next - Blagged it well, though.
.
.
it's Narstie.
Yay! It's time to wake up.
It says possession, but I was young, I was young! I was young! There's a little box under your desk, if you take the item out of the box and put it on the desk, OK, pop it on the desk first, and then read out the card.
This is an Ukabong.
Me and my cousins would each make a Ukabong to play the Narstie family - game, Ukabong.
- What?! - There we are, Lee's team.
- So you're saying it's called a Ucker-bong? - Ukabong.
- Ookah? - Ukabong.
- How do you spell it, Narstie? Just spell it for Lee, because he's a bit slow.
- U-K - Yeah - A - Yeah - And then bong! - Bong.
- So U-K-A - And then bong.
How do you make it? What's it made of? - It's a sock.
- It's made out of socks.
- What's inside the sock? - More socks.
- More socks.
Is it just lots of socks? So, boom, basically, it's a family game, - and everyone, everyone has their own ukabong.
- Right - Do you hit each other? - Yeah, it's your own tool.
- So you whack people with that? - Yeah.
- With the ukabong.
Yeah, with your own ukabong, but there's stipulations to it.
You've got to all be in a room, and you've got to turn off the lights, yeah? And the hit only counts, yeah, it's if you hit someone and you say "ukabong".
If you hit someone, yeah, and you don't say ukabong, the whole room rushes you.
And then my grandma says the first one who cries gets beaten.
We'll be in my grandma's, yeah, top room, boom, there's, like, 15 cousins and my uncle Simon, yeah? - Boom! My uncle Simon's a cool cat, he was a cool cat.
- Yeah? Yeah, so boom now, everyone's got their ukabong, yeah? - David is very nervous.
- I haven't even got my own ukabong.
I'm defenceless.
Hang on a minute, I've got one here.
- You've got a back-up ukabong! - Thank you very much.
So, boom now, yeah? - We're in the room now, it's where - CHUCKLES It's all dark and that, swinging at everyone, ukabong, ukabong, so then boom, if I hit you, ukabong, obviously it probably hurts, you go, "Oh!" But now, my uncle Simon, yeah, we thought he had the special ukabong, yeah? Oh, this is taking a sinister turn Mindful, his ukabong was sent from God.
Do you know what my uncle used to do? He used to put a tennis ball in his ukabong.
Do you know what? I thought it was going to be worse than that.
Yeah, so he would come with, like, Zeus' ukabong.
One shot, KO! Everyone's out, starts crying, grandma comes in, everyone gets their arse bust and you have to read Bible.
If it's dark, how does everyone know that you've successfully ukabonged somebody? You could be lying.
- Because you'll hear someone say, "Ow!" - Yeah, you're definitely going to hear an "ow".
And when uncle Simon's one goes off, it's more of a "Eurgh!" - What do you think, Scarlett? - I want to do it, I really want to play now.
I think it's true.
- Scarlett - Yay, can I? Yes! Hang on, Lee Ukabong! Ukabong! This is popular! Hey, guys, I've got a great idea, let's all ukabong Rob! Ukabong! There we are, that's what we pay our licence fee for, thank you very much.
- What are you thinking, then, Lee? Why don't you go for a guess here? - What do you think, Scarlett? - I think it's 100% true.
- You do, why? - Yeah, because it's just fun, isn't it? I can imagine you doing that.
- Is that fun? - Ah! - Sorry, ukabong.
- Oh, yeah, then we all have to attack him.
- That's just domestic violence without "ukabong", bruv.
- Tomasz? - I'm with the other two, I think it's absolutely true.
You all think it's true, OK, Narstie, truth or lie? True! Yes, it's true, Narstie's family did play a game called uka KLAXON That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show, and I can reveal that David's team have no points.
Lee's team have five.
Thank you very much for watching, we'll see you next time, good night.