Top Gear (2002) s12e05 Episode Script

(Jeremy) Tonight, the Stig climbs into a bucket of hot wallpaper paste.
Richard sorts out public transport and James get beaten up by a boat.
(Cheering and applause) Hello! Hello, and we start We start with something strange cos, you see, last year, you couldn't buy a BMW unless you were a cock.
But, then, all of a sudden, people with huge watches and stupid Oakley sunglasses, people who tailgate you on motorways, suddenly started to buy Audis instead.
No idea why.
Don't really care.
Because what this means, normal people with normal watches can now buy, for the first time ever, what, if we're honest, has always been the best sport saloon of them all, the M3.
Some people are saying this new model is too soft and too squidgy but I'm not one of them.
The fact is that last year we showed the two-door coupé version was way faster round a track than its rivals from Audi and Mercedes.
And now your children can have their spleens crushed as well because this is the new four-door version.
It has the same equipment as the coupé we tested.
It has the same butch front end and despite the extra weight, the performance is almost identical as well.
Of course, with the two extra doors and a bigger boot, incidentally, you would expect the saloon to be more expensive than the coupé and it isn't, actually.
This is L49,000 so it's 1,400 quid less.
This, then, is a brilliant car.
The obvious choice for the family man who has a light that wants to keep it under his bushel.
Because now there's a new kid on the block.
This.
The Lexus IS F.
Now, driving a Lexus has always been like sitting in a bucket of warm wallpaper paste, reading a Jane Austen novel.
But with this one, they claim they've built a M3 killer.
It's certainly very hi-tech.
For instance, it has a Sport Vehicle Integrated Management System, whatever that is, and air bags for your knees.
What's more, full lock-up control is used in second gear without the tongue converter.
Hmm, Jane Austen could only dream about such things.
Happily, however, most of this Japanesey PlayStation stuff is buried under a wall of brute force and noise.
(Tires screech) It has a massive five-liter V8 engine which produces about the same amount of power as the M3 but more torques.
It is, however, 100kg heavier.
So let's see how the two of them get on in a drag race.
(Engines revving) (Tires screech) Wow! I am ahead! Oh, he's coming back! Come on! Eventually, the heavy Lexus would win because while the BMW is limited to 155 mph, the IS F will keep going all the way to 168.
It is a quick car but what happens when you show it some corners? (Tires screech) Wow! Well, as you can see, I'm now behind the M3, which has been driven by touring car racer, Tom Chilton.
So let's see if he can get away from me.
This is so completely out of character for a Lexus.
It's like Mr.
Darcy coming out of the lake and then machine-gunning a fluffy kitten for fun! Oh, he's hard on those brakes! These brakes are good too.
I've got to be honest.
Understeer just kills everything.
Then the weight coming out.
You see, he's already got 100 yards on me.
That BMW must be exciting.
Look what it's done to his hair! (Tires screech) I can keep up but I have to work so much harder cos this is just not quite as composed as the Beamer.
So what about price? Well, the Lexus is L1,000 more than the BMW but it comes with more stuff as standard.
So it is slightly better value.
The Lexus also has slightly more space, a slightly bigger boot and a dashboard from the pages of science fiction.
this really does seem like it could be an alternative to the BMW.
But it isn't.
Firstly, it has eight gears and that's too many cos it's always changing its mind.
(Humming revs) Then there's the styling.
The normal IS is a fine and handsome thing but with all its puffed-up bits and pieces, this is a bit of a mess and those tail pipes are fakes.
There's more.
This may have more torques than the BMW but they're all at the top of the rev range.
That's like putting them on the top shelf in the kitchen.
You can never really reach them.
They're never there.
The worst thing about the Lexus, though, is the way it rides.
The BMW manages to be sharp and comfortable.
This doesn't.
It's hard.
Really hard.
When you're driving normally, a sports saloon should soothe your brow, not attack it with scissors.
To sum up, then, the Lexus does a lot of things brilliantly but the BMW, that does everything brilliantly.
In the past, you had to be a cock to buy one.
Now, though, you're a cock if you don't.
- (Inaudible) - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Let me make sure I've got this absolutely right.
Cocks are now driving Audis.
Yes.
I had one right up my chuff this morning on the (Laughter) What? On the A3, on the way down.
It was this close.
So what do you have to be to drive a Lexus? A dork.
So to drive an AMG-Mercedes, you'd have to be an arse, a big arse.
A big tall, actually, slightly fat arse.
- You're being Captain Horrid.
- Yes, I am.
We haven't time to explore this new trait of your personality because it is time now to put the IS F round our track.
That means handing it to our tame racing driver.
Some say that one of this eyes is a teste.
(Laughter) And that he was turned down for I'm A Celebrity because people have heard of him.
All we know is he's called the Stig! And away he goesl Gone in a biblical ball of smoke and strangely, that was from the exhaust, not the tiresl Even the Stig can't access that top-shelf torque off the line but he can torture the tires by the sounds of itl (Bleeping) Stig is still listening to Morse.
No idea what it's saying but I'm sure the internet will tell us.
Heaved it round Chicago there.
Now coming up to Hammerhead.
Squirming under braking.
That gives away the sheer weight of this thing, perhaps because of that five-liter V8 up front.
Now that's tire smokel I suspect this car could do with a proper limited slip diff, not an electronic one.
(Bleeping) Laboring his way up all eight gears.
Through the Follow-through.
That's looking fast through the Tiresl Two corners left.
All the way down.
Boxed againl Getting sidewaysl This really isn't as easy as the M3 to drive quickly.
Now Gambon.
Still looking frisky.
And across the line! Not a bad time.
Not a bad time.
Ready? It did it in 1:26.
9.
So that's pretty quick.
That's about the same as a Lotus Exige.
Thing is, though, earlier on we put the BMW round.
It did it in 1:25.
3.
Look at that! That's the same as a convertible Lamborghini Gallardo.
So, really, we've got a Top Gear top tip here.
If you are an employer and you take someone on who has a Lexus, he'll be late for work and he'll be a dork when he gets there.
(Laughing) Unless you employ someone with an AMG-Mercedes, in which case they'll arrive at work in a cloud of smoke and then they'll be an arse when they get there.
Speaking of which What? Nothing.
You just came up in conversation.
- Are you wearing that for a bet? - No.
- No? - No.
Oh.
(Laughs) Right, shall we do the news? Yes.
And let's kick off with this Infinity.
New brand to the UK.
And it is to Nissan what Lexus is to Toyota.
A kind of posh version of it.
They're coming over with some cars, some four-by-fours and this.
Now this is a V6 engine.
All I want to know about this car is why have they styled it to look like the Lexus SE 430? You know the one.
Look.
That is undoubtedly the most vile and hideous car ever made.
Why make it look like that? (Laughter) It is vile but it's completely academic because you never see one of those in the real world.
- Go to Cheshire.
They're everywhere! - Are they? They're always driven by those women that have faces made from leather.
But whenever I see them, those women driving those cars, I really do want to stop them and just ask.
I want to beg.
"Why?!" "Tell me.
Why did you buy that?" It's an expensive car.
It's like getting every travel brochure choosing your summer holidays next year - and saying, "Yes, Germany.
" Not Mauritius.
Dortmund is where I want to go.
It really is that bonkers a choice.
It's that terrible a car.
The thing is about the Infinity Can we just see the Infinity again? That is, actually, just a Nissan with a posh name.
It's like people who buy a normal house in the middle of the road, number 22, but then give it a name.
A friend of mine did that.
I think he lived in Litchfield.
It was 22, Acacia Avenue or whatever and he called it Sea View.
- I quite like that! - (Richard) That's quite good.
Hey, hey, now you know Porsche is always saying that they don't really restyle the 911 cos they want to maintain that sense of purity and tradition.
I don't think that's true.
I think they don't restyle it properly cos they can't.
They have no idea at Porsche how to restyle cars.
If you think about it, the four-wheel drive, it's the Cayenne.
The Cayenne looks like a 911 that's been reversed into a shed, yes? And now they're doing a four-door car which is called the Panamera, which sounds like a hat.
Look at this.
- It's just woeful! - (Richard) It is.
- (James coughs) - You all right? Excuse me.
No.
I'm going to die.
Is it this? Has this made you feel sick? That's exactly what it is.
I looked at that and it nearly killed me.
It's so awful.
Listen.
I was driving a Volvo XC60 this week, the new one.
The front of it is all full of radars and sensors cos the idea is you can't actually crash it.
I was thinking there must be a simpler solution to not crashing.
And I think I've come up with it.
Oh.
For once, will you bear with me on this, OK? Just imagine if you had on the front of your car a magnet, everybody has one, with the north pole facing out, OK.
So you come along.
Head-on accident.
(Laughing) You could never have a head-on crash.
This is one of these windy-up cars so I won't even cheat.
Ready? - See? - (Laughter) You see? Have I just solved road safety? Apart from the big cliff.
Do you know, actually, technically, you're right about that.
Listen! Backing from Captain Maths! No, but the only drawback is on full-size cars you would need extremely, I mean extremely, large magnets.
- Yes, we get extremely large - You haven't thought this through.
Look, here's a car parked at the traffic lights waiting.
You'll come up behind to the other end of his magnet.
That's his north pole.
You're going to have a crash.
- Whether you brake or not - No, that's the south pole.
South to north, bang! You're going to have a crash.
Utterly, utterly hopeless! We'll all be killed.
These are small details, OK.
Think of the fuel saving.
Seriously.
- What? - You wouldn't get a puncture.
Why wouldn't I get a puncture? Ha ha! The man here doesn't look bright.
(Laughing) You'd be driving along.
Every screw and nail on the front.
You'd never get a puncture.
I thank you! Along with the manhole covers and signposts! And the railings and traffic lights! And dogs with metal collars on! And skips! You are just nit-picking! I will admit there are one or two things I need to address.
Like the laws of physics, for example.
Yes.
I will find a way round them.
Don't you worry.
OK, now, you know Boris Johnson, Mayor of London? When he was voted in, he said he was going to review what sort of buses we used in the capital city of the United Kingdom.
As Jeremy pointed out last series, Boris has been faffing about on this.
So we figured it was about time for some Top Gear help, whether he wanted it or not.
To find out what sort of bus is best for a busy city, obviously, you should form some committees and a focus group and then do some intensive studies into running costs, safety, passenger usage and the environmental impact.
But all of that takes time.
So, instead, we're going to sort this using the ultimate crucible of excellence, motorsport.
For anything on four wheels, this is the white heat of the anvil of the spearhead of evolution.
If you want to improve the breed, you go motorsport.
Second is the first of the losers.
You have to win to win, etc, etc.
Lydden Hill circuit in Kent.
A place often described as the Monza of southern England by people who have never been to Monza.
It's normally a rallycross circuit so it is a challenging mix of hairpins and fast sweepers, tarmac and loose gravel.
Much like central London, in fact.
So, let's meet the candidates for the next London bus.
Representing the double-decker, a 1987 Leyland 0lympian.
Representing the single-decker, we have a 1993 Dennis Dart.
Then, on behalf of the current London champion, we have the Mercedes 0305G.
This, of course, is a bendy bus and that means it'll probably spend a day causing crashes and bursting into flames for no obvious reason.
Which is why we've got two of them.
Finally, representing the compact hopper bus, we have a 1997 Metrorider.
Now because there is so much at stake here, we can't leave the driving to any old bus driver.
So we've brought in our old friends, the touring car drivers.
(Crashing) Their precise and delicate touch certainly got motorhome racing off to a great start last year.
So please welcome touring car legend, Anthony Reid.
Touring car legend, Matt Neal.
Touring car legend, Gordon Sheddon.
And, for the second time tonight, hairdressing legend, Tom Chilton.
To be honest, they're not that good on passenger usage per mile.
But if you want to sort out the other important bus stuff - understeer, lift-off, oversteer - then these are your men.
Each driver went for their preferred mount, leaving me with the blue and yellow bendy bus.
Now last time this lot got together, with the motorhomes, it all degenerated into a bit of a demolition derby.
But this time because we're carrying out important research, they have promised me absolutely no contact.
Yep.
(Klaxon) This is it! We are off! Let the investigations begin! Interestingly, both bendy buses, but his is mid-engined, mine is rear.
So a good race should sort out which one is best.
True to their word, the touring car racers avoided body contact, for, ooh, at least half a lap.
Ah-ho.
It's just their sensitive touch.
(Banging) Yeah, that cost me a mirror.
Thinking about it, we have missed one thing out on this test.
Cyclists.
We should have had bicycles on the circuit, perhaps being pedaled by bus drivers.
After two or three laps, I realized that finding the best bus would be harder than I thought because all of them had their good and bad points.
Now, the double-decker - aluminium body, air suspension, it should have potential here on the track.
But it is compromised in other ways.
No low floor means poor disabled access.
Wow! Look at that single-decker go! What a maneuver! And I believe we have a tail out! That was majestic! It's only licensed to carry 24 seated with a further 21 standing and that is where the bendy bus comes in.
Licensed to carry 98.
(Tires screech) Whoa! And the seating is pretty flexible.
So with all the buses putting forward a good case, if we were to find a winner, we'd have to turn up the wick.
Whoa! Common everyday scene from London streets.
This is important work.
First to suffer was the little hopper, which didn't do too well in the "I'm a bus driver "and when I pull out I never use my bloody mirrors" maneuver.
Oh, that's an evil move being pulled on the diddy hopper there.
Thankfully, nobody would dare mount such an attack on a bus as big as mine.
Whoa! Where did he come from? You bloody idiot! Whoa! I was limping and, frankly, the other bendy was scoring low on passenger comfort.
The final lap.
Oh, my word! Double-decker coming through! The last few corners were a straight duel between the single-decker and the double-decker.
But then Ignore that bit.
Just tell the mayor that was a crash test or something.
We've been thorough, comprehensive.
I've just driven over that man's bonnet.
But we can announce a decision is made.
The best bus for London and any other city is the good old single-decker cos it's quick.
I think what we should do now is collate all those findings and get them straight to the mayor's office.
Yeah.
Well done, everyone.
- (Applause) - Well done, you! Nobody can accuse us of dumbing down.
No, that was serious work.
That was just high-brow research from start to finish.
It was, I honestly thought that was like watching Melvyn Bragg presenting the Open University.
No, I think we covered all the bases there.
It was thorough.
Now we have to move on.
You see, this week, my guest is quite simply that bloke off Grand Designs.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin McCloud! (Cheering) I've waited a long time.
- Go on.
- Have a seat.
Thank you.
Nice seat! That one.
Go in the Hammond spot.
Red Arrow.
Ladies and gentlemen, a genuine car fan has come among us today.
Yeah, it's a guilty secret I have but it's true.
It's a bit annoying cos I'm going to want to spend most of the time talking about interior design and I suspect you're going to want to talk about cars.
I don't know much about interior design so let's talk about cars.
Looking through all the notes and your past interests and so on, you have a passionate interest in V8s.
Yes.
I mean, my father was an engineer.
I'm looking at one now.
Is this coffee table turning you on? I'm stroking it with my toe.
I've looked at the past cars that you've had.
- Yes.
- The SL Mercedes V8.
Maserati coupé V8.
- Ferrari 355 V8.
- Yeah.
TVR Cerbera V8.
Look, the V8 thing - The food blender, yeah? - Oh, my V8 food blender? Yeah.
Which was an out-and-out failure.
The blades need a bit of work but it's already being converted, as we speak, into a vacuum cleaner.
I think what you should do is combine the two great male obsessions and get a V8 to power a power shower.
Power shower? A male obsession is internet pornography, isn't it? I don't know how you could have a V8-powered internet porn connection.
Maybe you could.
Maybe that would deliver everything that anybody's ever dreamed of.
So where does this love of how things work come from? Oh, it's my father who was an engineer.
He was a rocket scientist.
- What, a real one? - A real one, yeah.
- Really? - He designed stuff that went into space.
I grew up with a house where the boiler was always in pieces, there was always a car in the middle of the kitchen in bits.
I've serviced most of my own cars.
I've done lots of bioethanol petrol mixes, experimented with fuels on them.
I'm interested in this idea than you can service your own cars because you did have a TVR Cerbera.
The point about the Cerbera was it was a kit car in reverse, in as much as you bought a new shiny object and you parked it at home and it slowly disassembled itself.
You know, the gear lever would come off.
It drive me up a slope once with the headlamps and the washer and the windscreen wipers and the horn all working at the same time.
It sort of drove itself.
- With none of them turned on? - No.
It turn them all on by itself.
(Laughter) - Have you never had a Saab? - I've had two Saabs.
I had a Saab, a big estate Saab that ran on bioethanol.
Years and years ago, my second car was a big orange jelly-mould Saab, the 95.
I was going to say you must have done.
You can't be a designer It had a quarter-inch plate, that car.
It was fantastic.
You could crash into anything and you'd leave a Saab-shaped impression in it.
- Did you ever try? - Yes! I had it in my 20s, so in London.
I'd sit and read the paper in the car on the hill and suddenly find myself glued to a Cortina! Cos they are architects' cars.
I know you're not an architect but design is the same sort of thing.
You're presumably very interested in the aesthetics.
Of course I am.
Well, I'm interested in efficiency, design, aesthetics, ecology.
I've gone green now.
And don't smirk! I was going to say My one ambition today was to come here and use the word "eco" on Top Gear.
- Say it again.
- Eco! (Jeering) There's a ripple of applause from the far corner! You've caught the green bug.
We think of it as a disease.
I'll tell you what really excites me is the idea that when we use this word, eco, it's useless calling cars eco-cars or houses eco-houses.
The reason I love Aston Martins is that the Aston is beautiful.
The Astons are beautiful cars.
They're beautifully put together.
are still on the road and how sustainable can you get? It's the business of you have an Aston Martin and you keep it in the garage and you only drive it A Toyota Prius with its nickel batteries is going to do a lot more damage, if you believe that cars are damaging the environment.
- Which I do! - Which you do.
And you are entitled to come here with this opinion and not be killed in any way by! I'm just going to figure out my exit route from the studio now! (Jeremy) Exactly! I just want to get on to your lap, if I may, OK? Ah, yeah, yeah.
How was it? It was addictive.
I've never done it before.
And I'm going to do it again a lot.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You enjoyed it? - I loved it.
I never thought you could get so much pleasure out of a little one point whatever it is.
Well, who'd like to see how Kevin got on? (All) Yes! Here we go.
Let's have a look.
(Tires screech) Tamed that wheel spin nicely.
Oh, my God! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! (Jeremy) You actually look terrified.
That was a dab of brakes there, halfway through the corner.
Keep the front in check.
It looks so tame.
It looks so tame here.
(Jeremy) That doesn't look quite as tame as you're making out.
That's well done.
Oh, baby.
I think this is going to hurt.
(Jeremy) Do you ever actually blink? You haven't blinked 0ohl I've never seen countryside move so fast.
(Jeremy) Still haven't blinkedl (Tires screech) I have only one devout wish and that is to beat Terry Wogan.
Oh! You couldn't get much closer to those! Now where are we going? Come on, baby! (Jeremy) Now this Well, that looks brilliantl I've never seen that done better than that.
(Kevin) That was because I was driving at 15mph.
(Jeremy) No, you weren't.
There you Look! That second-to-last corner was phenomenal! And no spins.
I've never seen anyone do that.
Normally, people cut the corner or go too far and run wide.
It was the penultimate one, though.
I'd finally got my act together by the penultimate corner.
That's the trouble.
We must establish how fast you went around.
There's the There's the board.
I can't believe it.
This moment I've been dreaming of.
I'm looking, as you can see, at the bottom ten.
No, you went faster than that.
OK.
So maybe Keith Allen.
- Where's Keith Allen? - He's there.
Rob Brydon, he's down there.
So dry track, you did it in one minute - 40 - Yes.
Five (Gasping) What's the fastest ever? 45.
8.
- Jeremy, you're - Point nine.
- I've got a new career! - That is unbelievable! - That's Cowell! - No! No! The eco-mentalist! - I don't believe it! - That's amazing! And, actually We actually have - The specific time is 1:45.
87.
- Yeah, yeah.
Jay Kay was 1:45.
83.
So you're only half a second off Jay Kay.
I don't know how you're going to live this down.
That you have the eco-mentalist come on the show and (Laughter) Thank God for Jay Kay! Though, if the eco-mentalist had gone to the top, you're barking up, quite literally, the wrong tree.
You have a natural gift for it.
There's no doubt about it.
That's an amazingly quick time.
I can't say any more.
I'm a bit overcome.
You can hold your head up high.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin McCloud! (Cheering) And now I've very, very pleased to announce that it is time for the Cool Wall, yeah! (Cheering) - You're going to start off? - I am, I am.
With this.
Now this is the Nissan GTR.
There's loads of technical reasons why it's so clever and brilliant but the simple facts are it is faster round the Nürburgring than a Porsche 911 Turbo and it is half the price, which means it is cool for that.
When you're a kid, you want to impress girls.
You learn the guitar, the big ax thing, not a Casio keyboard.
No girl's interested in a man who All the buttons, very clever, not cool.
That's a very good point but you don't have to explain that.
You can just get in and drive it like a proper car.
- What are you driving these days? - A Nissan Thank you.
- Uncool.
Now may I just do this one? - Yes, please.
This is the new Scirocco.
Basically, underneath it's a Golf GTi.
You pay L100 more for the Scirocco.
For that you get less practicality.
And that's a good thing because who here married their wife because she was easy to wipe down? (Laughter) - Anybody? - What?! That's why this is a cool car.
It might even be super cool.
What do we think? The Sciroccos? Hands up for super cool.
Hands up for just cool.
They're wrong, you see! They're momentarily correct and then I think that is a super cool car.
You? Alfa Romeo, the MiTo.
The baby Alfa.
Small Italian car.
- Has anybody here got an Alfa? - (Man) Yes! Really? So there's two All the others are in a cloud of steam on the A3.
- What's yours? - It's a Sport Wagon.
156.
Excellent.
And you didn't buy a BMW because I wanted an Alfa.
Because, you see, he wasn't a cock.
And who else had an Alfa? Can I just say I'm his son and, yes, he has.
What, he is a cock? What do you drive? - I don't at the moment.
- Clearasil will help with that.
- Do you find him attractive? - I came with them.
(Laughter) Is everybody all together? - They brought me here.
- What the hell accent is that? American.
- You're American? - Oh.
You can't be.
You're nowhere near fat enough! You're American? Welcome.
Welcome to the free world.
You'll like it here.
Did everybody come in one group? Where were we? It's nice to have the colonies here.
It's called a MiTo, M-l-T-O, because it was designed in Milan and built in Turino, OK, Turin.
I'm thinking, what if they designed it in Twickenham and built it in Attercliffe? But they didn't and as a result it's a cool car and that's the end of it.
- (Jeremy clears throat) - Wow, yes! This is a Morgan Aeromax and I have a question.
What kind of monumental moron would spend L100,000 on a car as catastrophically ugly as that, Richard Hammond? It is utterly beautiful and it's as English as the Malvern Hills amongst which it's built.
It combines cutting-edge technology with proper traditional old-fashioned craftsmanship.
I got in yours, couldn't help noticing there was a wooden beam running down the roof.
Yes, it does have a beamed ceiling.
It does.
And when you open up the handbook does it go, "Hear ye, hear ye"? What do we think of this car? May I? - Uncool.
- Uncool.
Cool.
I like it.
Well done, sir! Stand up to him.
He's a big oaf.
Just keep going.
Would you be inclined to sleep with this man if he had that car? - No.
- No.
- Would you sleep with him? - I have to.
You have to? (Laughter) And, anyway, mate, you know the rules of the Cool Wall.
If we have one of the cars here, it goes there and that's an end of it.
So our hands are now empty and you think the Cool Wall is over? However, I have a theory that the Jaguar XKR convertible, which we said, the last time we did this, was the coolest car you can buy in Britain today, - may have met its match.
- Really? In this box here Yes, I really do believe this.
The Volvo V70 estate.
What?! Whoa, hang on! What, you're saying that's? This is now the coolest car in Britain.
You can tell by the stunned silence in this room.
You can go too far and that's not We know I'll have to whisper this slightly.
People who like cars are quite dreary.
Yeah.
When you go to a dinner party and you sit next to someone and you go you're interested in cars, they move away.
- We are car bores.
- Terrible.
You can drive this great car but you can pretend you're not interested in cars.
This is a box for carrying your air bags around in.
It's driven by men who have a problem stopping when they've finished weeing.
It's just a dismal, dreary, safety-obsessed It's like turning up on Bondi Beach with a life jacket already on! Who is the worst-dressed man in the world? Our studio director, Brian.
He comes to work in a piece of faux seal skin and you go, "Brian, that's rubbish.
" He goes, "Yeah, but, look, it's Dolce and Chanel" or whatever they're called, as though that's an excuse.
This, OK, has no badge.
It's just a blue turtleneck jumper.
No, that has no badge just like it has no genitals! It just says, "I've given up.
Give me my Volvo.
" - You're wearing Volvo shoes! - No, I'm not.
They're not! - You are! - They're not! They're RM Williams! They're just boots! Australian Volvos! Little bit of a heel at the back.
(Laughter) You can tell a lot.
You can tell a lot about a man's car from his shoes.
All right, what are they, then, if they're not Volvo ones? They're Lancias.
Can't go through puddles! - You must be American.
- It's true.
This is somebody with a Nissan Micra.
Perfect.
There you are.
And I'm guessing here, Jag.
- A6.
- A6? Cock.
Oh, my God! What kind of an idiot? Oh, hello, James! Hiya.
Well, actually, I'm glad you're here.
I'm going to pop this on the board.
I'm prepared to nail it, though, if you go near it.
I'm glad you're here, James, because it's time to move on.
You see, this year, a motoring icon is celebrating its 40th birthday.
Richard Hammond? No, he's 38, same as he was last year and the year before.
It's his birthday next week, isn't it? It is, actually.
Then he'll be 38.
- Yes, all right! Funny, funny! - 38-year-old Richard Hammond! I am! Thank you very much! This motoring icon, though, it's an important one.
To celebrate its birthday, we had to go somewhere really special.
To here, in fact, the Riviera.
The legendary stretch of coastline, which for decades, has been the spiritual home of playboys, movie stars and the jet set.
Which sort of makes it the perfect place for one of the all-time great jet-set cars.
The Ferrari Daytona.
It may take its name from a race track in America but, trust me, the Daytona is the absolute essence of pure European supercar.
Drop-dead-gorgeous looks.
Stunning speed.
Born in Italy.
I'm going to take it for a drive now from here, Portofino, which is a sort of Italian Whitby, along the cost to St.
Tropez.
And even though it's 40 years old, this is the perfect machine for the job.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
Well, it isn't.
Well, it just is.
That's why I'm here with it.
It isn't.
Not anymore.
What is? (James) Well, it's a boat.
Not that one.
This one.
What we have here is the XSR48, or in plain English, the only way to get around on the Riviera.
Not only is it stunning to look at it's also the world's fastest diesel-production boat with a top speed of 80mph.
James, this is from the future but you're from 1948.
Yes, I know you think that but I like modern, intelligent engineering solutions and this is one.
This is a carbon-fiber racing hull that's won world powerboat championships and then they've put some nice seats and switches, sat-nav.
(Richard) James was adamant that this wasn't some rich man's vulgar toy.
So, Mr.
May, defend this.
- Yes, I was hoping you wouldn't - That is a carbon-fiber bog.
Yeah, it is.
(Richard) To prove to James, of all people, that the old ways are the best, I offered to race him to St.
Tropez.
Him in his carbon-fiber convenience and me in the greatest grand tourer ever made.
How much is that worth, by the way? That one? L200,000.
L1.
25 million.
Chav! Move your scrap off the harbor.
(Engine revs) (Richard) The start of the race wasn't exactly dramatic.
There was a three-knot speed limit in the harbor and my car was, well, 40 years old.
These old Daytonas take a while to warm up and you have to skip second gear.
Go straight to third for a while until the gearbox is up to temperature, otherwise it sort of explodes.
(James) While his 250-mile route was 40 miles longer than mine, Hammond was convinced he'd be able to maintain a higher average speed.
But once my cabin cruiser was out on to the open water, it would turn into a ferocious powerboat racer and, for that reason, I couldn't drive it on my own.
This is Peter.
He's a many-times World Powerboat champion.
Holds powerboat endurance records.
He's doing the tricky throttle and trim stuff.
I'm doing the steering and the nav.
How fast are we going? Nine knots.
(Peter) We need to go in the right direction.
We're going the wrong way.
Hang on.
It's that way, isn't it? (Richard) The autostrada beckoned.
This is it! The Daytona shouldn't really have to defend its honor on its birthday but if James wanted a race, he'd get one.
(Laughs) Right, here we go.
That's more than 1.
5 times what a Buggati Veyron has got.
(Paul) About 45 knots so 50mph.
Here's a tunnel.
I'll have to open the window a bit.
Sorry about the wind.
Oh, that really is spine-tingling! This boat has been conceived like a supercar.
It's very powerful.
Very, very light.
It's very agile.
It has just enough trim and creature comforts to make it bearable but that's all.
It is a hardcore performance machine.
(Richard) My supercar doesn't have a space-age khazi but it does have infinitely more pedigree.
What's odd about the Daytona is that if somebody says to you, "Ferrari Daytona," even if you've never been in one, if you've never seen one, it just sounds right.
You know with a name like that it's not going to be a minger.
These days, it takes many months and many millions to design a new car.
The Daytona, seven days and just look at it.
It's absolutely sublime.
(James) 0n the water, I had no time for Hammond's misty-eyed Mills and Boonery.
Whole towns just racing by! I know what's going on in Richard Hammond's mind.
He's got a romantic vision of, I don't know, Sophia Loren and the Shah of Persia and all those people.
But it's different now.
This place is full of Puffy Dad and New York Hilton.
This is the modern way to do it.
As long as I'm not driving.
- (Peter) Ten o'clock! Go behind him! - I've got him! (Richard) When it was launched in 1968, the Daytona cost L10,000, making it the most expensive Ferrari ever.
But not everyone thought it was worth the money.
A year earlier, Lamborghini had brought out the Miura.
That was impossibly futuristic, mid-engined.
It was really showing the way forward for supercars.
And, yet, here was Ferrari with a front-engine car.
In its day, it was seen as a bit of a dinosaur.
But the Daytona had the last laugh.
Because of the Miura's front-end lift at high speeds, it started to go very light cos aerodynamically it didn't work.
It could never get near its top speed.
This could, 174.
(James) 30 miles into my journey, the water was getting a bit choppier but I wasn't worried.
My seat here is suspended with suspension units off a Paris-Dakar racer.
The technique, apparently, is to relax.
Let the seat take the battering.
Whoa! (Richard) 40 miles into my journey and something rather perverse was happening.
You're watching a man go through the process of falling in love.
It's not perfect, this new love of mine.
I'd heard stories about the incredibly heavy steering and the clutch, it's a bit like a big Italian V12-engine truck.
And all those things are true.
Operating the steering wheel is like turning one of those hatch wheels on a submarine.
But the Daytona brings back the glamour.
It reminds the Riviera what the Riviera is all about.
Ooh! Ooh! Wow! (James) 0n the ocean waves, life was no longer so jolly.
Situation report: It's becoming very, very choppy so we've had to reduce our speed by ten knots or so.
And on top of that, the Dakar seats weren't really helping.
Oh! Meanwhile, in the Daytona Oh! Argh! - Argh! - (Peter) You all right? Ah.
The camera was broken.
I was broken.
And the rough seas had forced us down to 25 knots, which meant that Hammond would be roaring ahead.
God, how much further is it? (Peter) About 100 nautical miles.
Argh! Marvelous! (Richard) I was, indeed, ahead and as I neared the French border, I was so in love with the Daytona that I might have been babbling a bit.
Everything that it was, it still is and when you drive one here, doing this The mechanical interface between you and it, it does take you into its Mercifully, my doe-eyed dribbling was then cut short.
(Siren) I think we've just been pulled by the police.
Ah, oh, yes.
He's waving his arm at the cameraman.
Er I think the rest of this film may not look as good as the first bit.
I'm in a Daytona and I'm wearing shades so I'm absolutely fine.
(James) Despite Hammond's setback, we had to keep going as fast as our spines would allow if we were to stay in the race.
We are back up to 41, 42 knots, which is almost twice as fast as we were going half an hour (Gasps) It's much better than a Max Mosley party! (Speaking Italian) My shades haven't worked.
The Italian police weren't convinced that we had rightful possession of the Daytona.
He wants the documents for the car.
Documents for the Sort of no.
I don't have them.
(Peter) 77 miles to go.
How do we know when we're in France? Does the sea become even rougher, like the roads do? Whoa, this is enormous! Argh! (Richard) This was bad.
My lead was now being destroyed.
Right, I'll go and sort this out.
Right, they told us to follow them to the police station.
(James) 0ut on the sea, my body may have been taking a battering but at least I didn't have to worry about the rozzers.
(Bleeping) - Is that the police? - Yeah.
Oh, God! He wants to see documents.
- (James on phone) Hello.
- Hello.
How are you? I've been stopped by the police.
You haven't?! Yeah, the sea police.
(Richard) You know the Riviera thing, the grand tour, it's not what it was, is it? It's not all Sophia Lollobrigida any more.
There's more paperwork involved than Brigitte Bardot would have been doing and does.
(James) Finally, we were both released.
Right, St.
Tropez.
But because the police had stopped Hammond for much longer, I had now closed the gap.
We are now going past Monaco, which is on the right.
It's anybody's race.
(Richard) But then at motorway speeds, it soon started to go my way again.
A final stretch of motorway down to St.
Tropez and I'm home and dry.
I am probably the most low-rent, low-brow chavvy urchin ever to pedal one of these along the Riviera.
- Over 50 knots.
- Yeah.
(Richard) With a considerable lead over James, I was now off the motorway, on the A-road and just 20-odd miles from St.
Tropez.
This is where the car just comes alive now.
Yes, it's not a nimble, tiny, lightweight sports car but it feels lithe, supple.
And now, to complete a truly excellent day, I shall win the race in the Daytona, have a little gloat and then, I think, a beer.
Blister! (Peter) 55, 57, 60 knots there! (Richard) I was getting really close to St.
Tropez.
Land of glamour, here I come! Any minute, the Daytona would be back in the world of Mick and Bianca where it belongs.
(Peter) 60 knots there.
(Richard) I was now entering the fabled town itself.
Some of the signs and advertising hoardings have got a bit bigger but, you know, modern world.
OK, this is getting a bit snarly now but fair dos.
(Peter) There's a bit of land you can see to the left.
We head for that now.
(Richard) As James powered on, I was discovering that St.
Tropez wasn't quite what I imagined.
(Car horns) Oh, now this isn't right.
Holiday homes for sale.
Burgers.
Traffic.
The car's still brilliant but the world's changed.
(James) I was just 15 miles from the finish line.
Mini golf.
If this car overheats And it will.
It's old and Italian.
(James) 0n HMS Carbon Khazi, we were flying.
(Richard) As I got closer to the center of St.
Tropez, the traffic started moving again and I was heading for the finish line, a bar in the port.
Speed humps.
Speed humps in a Ferrari Daytona.
That's not right! - Less than a mile! - Beer! Beer! I've got to be close now.
This is it.
Sorry, everybody, about the car.
He's not here.
Oh, hang on.
Yes, yes, yes! It's a pleasure to win.
- Do you know what? - What? I don't care because I said it was the perfect vehicle for the job.
I didn't say fastest.
I said perfect and it was.
I mean, look at it here.
Look at them all over it.
It's beautiful! - Tell me you don't agree.
- Bloody gorgeous.
(Laughs) - There's something I want to ask.
- What? Can I drive the car back? I'm broken.
- Please.
- Yes, you can.
(Applause and cheering) (Jeremy indistinct) Can I just say, James, man, you were green.
No, no.
That was just the camera.
I was black and blue.
Can I just say how nice it was that for the first time I got the comfy luxurious option and it was just magnificent.
Can I just say how nice it was that you two got to spend some time together on the Riviera in the sunshine because next week I get to drive a mid-range Ford Fiesta in Basingstoke.
Yeah, and on that bombshell, it's time to end.
Thanks for watching! Good night! (Cheering and applause)