Would I Lie To You? (2007) s12e05 Episode Script
Jonnie Peacock, Shaun Williamson, Jo Brand, Emma Bunton
Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show with tall tales and tantalising truths.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a former Spice Girl.
Ironically, when I asked if I could still call her Baby, the response was scary.
It's Emma Bunton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a comedian who is also a BAFTA-winning actress.
Winning an award must have done wonders for her career, but not enough to escape this show - it's Jo Brand.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on David Mitchell's team tonight, one of the most famous Shauns in show business, second only to the sheep, it's Shaun Williamson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE HE BAAS And a Paralympic gold medallist who once made the 12 person short list for Sports Personality Of The Year.
What an achievementfinding 12 sportsmen with a personality.
It's Jonnie Peacock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And we begin tonight with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they have no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from fiction.
Jo, you're first up tonight.
Okey-dokey.
At school, I once rubbed stinging nettles all over my face and told my teacher I was ill so I could go meet a boy in a graveyard.
LAUGHTER David's team.
I mean True.
Um So, this was a date in the graveyard? Was the boy living? He was just before we met, yeah.
Jo, you say these are your school days, so we're talking about the 1990s.
Now, what was the LAUGHTER It's my way of being flattering and chivalrous.
Chivalrous.
- When was this, Jo? - The 1890s.
LAUGHTER That would have been the late '60s, actually, early '70s.
- Late '60s? - Yeah.
- Gosh, OK.
So when you walked into the graveyard like this, he must have been shocked to see you.
Rob, he was pleased to see me.
He knew what he was going to get.
LEE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What was he going to get? I bought him a cake.
So, freshly nettled, you go off, you go and find your teacher, what happens then? Well, I say to the teacher I'm really not feeling well, I don't know whether I ate something for lunch that's given me some sort of allergic reaction, can I go home? I mean, I don't know, I've never run a school .
.
but are you allowed, if a child says they're ill, you're allowed to just say, "Yeah, off you go"? Well, I said to her that my mum was at home and I lived within walking distance of the school.
It was the late '60s, early '70s.
Very different time.
Children hadn't long stopped going up chimneys.
What do you think? It's so unfeasible, it's probably true, isn't it? Well, that's the wrong way to reason, it should be that unfeasible things are less likely to be true.
Although the true things are deliberately picked to be unlikely.
- Exactly.
- I travelled here by car, for example.
Never come up.
That would be easy! Sorry, can I just check something here? Why do you get a car? It's a class thing, you know? They still shouldn't make me drive your car.
Right, Jo, in the graveyard with the young man.
- What do you think? - True.
- Because it sounds so unlikely.
Yes.
I still think it's flawed reasoning, but we'll go true.
You're saying that it's true.
Right, Jo.
Truth or lie? It is .
.
a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Jo didn't rub stinging nettles over her face to get out of school.
Shaun, you're next.
I once stole the shirt off a scarecrow in order to get into a nightclub.
- Lee's team.
- Wow, OK.
Was you not wearing anything before you went to the nightclub? - Me? - Yeah.
- A T-shirt, you see.
- OK.
- Oh, and they wouldn't let you in? - Yeah, but they, what it is, you know, it's a bit more relaxed these days because the dress code - isn't what it was back in "the day".
- What was the day? - What year? - What, in my "the day"? Or when this happened? - It was early 2000s.
- Oh, so, early 2000s, you've gone to a nightclub, where was this nightclub? - In Rochester.
- Rochester is a town, right? And that's why it's got a nightclub in it.
And scarecrows don't really tend to be used in towns - What a very good point.
- .
.
because there aren't many massive fields.
Thank you, Miss Marple.
APPLAUSE When did you find out you needed a shirt to get in the club? Did you go to the club and then? When the bouncer said, "You ain't coming in.
" Right, and then you walked back to the scarecrow to get the shirt? I walked back to the allotment.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! This is very high-level play.
This is like chess, isn't it, between Shaun and Jo.
Take that, Moriarty.
Do you live in Rochester? No.
So how did you know there was an allotment in Rochester near the nightclub? - I lived near it then.
- Oh, I see.
Fair enough.
It's like fencing, isn't it? But, then again, if you lived in Rochester, why didn't you just go home and get a shirt? Oh, this gets better and better! - Checkmate.
- No.
No, no, no.
I was born in Chatham, but brought up in Maidstone but my uncle lived in Rochester and it was one of the allotments on his patch, so I knew where the allotments were, apropos to the nightclub.
Ms Brand, back to you.
Can I ask, earlier you said you had a T-shirt - and trainers and jeans on.
- Yes.
- And you thought it was a relaxed club but then you went to the club and they said you need a shirt, but you're not allowed in a club with trainers on.
OK.
- The bouncer - Can I just say, Shaun, you're the kind of person that every time you speak you always sound like you're going to start it with "I'd like to change my story.
" Or is that the impression I'm just giving you? For the sake of the tape, the accused has walked into the room The bouncer was a massive fan of EastEnders and was quite embarrassed at turning me away, so I think when he saw the effort I'd made cos I was already eight pints to the wind, so when he saw the effort I'd made, I think he just couldn't bear turning me away again.
What do you think, Jo? Could this be true? I think he'd have had a better time if he'd popped down the graveyard.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I think there's a lot of anomalies in it.
This is what I think.
A man who knows exactly where an allotment is cos he knows the town so well knows you can't get into the nightclub without collars.
And, for that reason, Shaun, we find you guilty.
- So what are you saying, Lee, you think it's a lie? - Lie.
- It is a lie.
You think it's a lie? You all think it's a lie? - Yeah, we all think it's a lie.
- Shaun, truth or lie? It is .
.
a lie.
It's a lie.
Shaun didn't steal a shirt from a scarecrow.
- Emma, you're next.
- I'm next.
OK.
OK, when the Spice Girls stayed in hotels, we played a special game to test who was the bravest.
And what was the game? We used to dare each other to docertain things.
What was the scariest thing you were ever dared to do? Sing live? SHOCKED LAUGHTER Rob, you've got to watch out, cos a lot people think you're nice.
That's why you get the boat advert and me and him don't, - cos you're the nice one.
- Yeah.
- And it's all a facade cos me and David know actually, you are evil.
Yeah.
Welcome aboard.
So, Emma, what sort of things did you do? So, the main one was involved nudity.
Right.
So, we used to stay in hotels a lot, obviously, while we were touring, and we used to dare each other to go Like, run in the hallways and we had to do that naked.
- Naked? - Yeah, we were allowed sometimes to carry a flannel.
- Clothes A flannel? - Yeah.
What were you worried was going to happen? The flannel was so you could cover.
You had to choose a part, obviously, to cover.
Victoria could use that as a dressing gown.
So, if someone saw you, you could decide which part of you you were known by and cover that up.
Exactly.
Yes.
Cover your face.
That's probably the best way, isn't it? - I remember once the girls made me go to the lift - Yeah.
- .
.
and wait for the lift to arrive.
- No! And, then, obviously, you were lucky if it opened and no-one was there.
Oh, no! I suddenly felt You're really getting into this story.
I suddenly felt like being challenged to do it myself.
Jo, you've toured the country, haven't you, with your show, you've stayed in hotels.
Never found a flannel big enough, Rob.
I think it's the logistics of the game that interests me, typically.
I want to understand better how the competition worked.
We'd take two at a time and the first one back knocking on the door, that would be the winner.
It's a knockout - two become one, it's simple.
Jonnie, what do you think? True? I think it does sound like it all adds up so far.
- Shaun, what are you thinking here? - I've been consistently wrong tonight.
Unerringly wrong.
In which case, if you maintain your current strategy, we can use that to win.
- What do you think instinctively? - Lie.
Lie.
It's true, then.
So, Emma, truth or lie? It is .
.
true! Well done.
Well done.
Yes, it's true.
The Spice Girls really did run around hotels wearing nothing but a flannel.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Shabs.
So, Shaun, what is Shabs to you? This is Shabs, I keep my chicken drumsticks in his nuclear bunker.
Shaun's bunker buddy.
Jonnie, how do you know Shabs? This is Shabs and he used to regularly park cars on my foot to stop me going anywhere.
Jonnie's parking prankster.
And, finally, David.
What is your relationship with Shabs? This is Shabs, and he's taught his parrot to say "Nice shoes, Dave," whenever I enter his cobbler's.
- Lee's, where will you begin? - Shall we start with Shaun? Let's start with Shaun, I think.
- Yeah? - Yes.
- You leave your chicken drumsticks in his nuclear shelter? - Is that what you're claiming? - Yes.
- OK.
Enough questions.
Jonnie.
Where is this nuclear shelter? - In a field out the back of his garden.
- Which part of the country? Mid Kent.
I don't think anyone's ever referred to whatever area you're talking about as Mid Kent.
When you hear people say "Where are you from?" "Oh, I'm Mid British.
" - You're not Mid Kent.
- You say, "I'm from the Midlands".
That's the middle of Britain, isn't it? But anyway LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Shaun, has he got a freezer in his nuclear bunker? A very large chest freezer.
How many chicken drumsticks have you got in it? Ooh! Er Probably in there I'd say it's a pack of ten cos it's not - just drumsticks, you see.
- You're not running a catering firm on the site? I have meat mass-delivered and sometimes I need an overfill.
What do you mean, you have meat mass-delivered? You know, a regular delivery from a butcher's.
Right, why are you buying so much meat? Because what's happened particularly this year, I've been working away a lot, so, I haven't been going through the amount of meat I normally go through, so at the moment it's just a bit an overflow.
Well, why don't you stop the order? How do you know Shabs, Shaun? I know Shabs from my local pub cricket team.
What fielding position? Slip and number four batsman.
- All right, and what does he do? - All rounder.
Excellent.
He does everything.
He bats, he bowls, he freezes your meat.
Shaun, I've never been into a nuclear bunker, what's it like? OK, so, basically, when you approach it, you'll see something that might look like a sort of white, woodeny, one of those - slatted beehives, a square beehive.
- A slatted beehive? Yes, but what that is, that's the air-conditioning purifying system and then there's almost like a hatch, like a submarine hatch, so, you climb down a ladder.
A metal ladder.
Sorry, can I just check, have you been watching the Teletubbies recently? And then you get down the bottom of the ladder, is there a living area? A bedroom? Yes, yes, there's a living area, he has got a television - and a cracking - Oh, yeah, because right after the nuclear war you're going to get a lot of telly, aren't you? I bet EastEnders survives.
The cockroach of TV shows.
- Harsh.
- You said it! - I can't go back, I can't go back.
He's got a cracking selection of videos.
Oh, I bet he has.
Now the truth comes out! "Just going to Shabs' to get some chicken drumsticks.
"Shan't be long.
" Right, Lee, who would you like to quiz next? OK, Jonnie, so, just remind us again what this fella did to you? He used to park cars on my foot so I couldn't move.
- You couldn't move? - On your prosthetic foot? Obviously on the prosthetic one! He's a friend of yours that did this, or is he? I used to work in a garage in a garage.
And Shabs worked in the garage.
Where was this, Mid Kent? - In St Ives.
- St Ives.
Not Cornwall St Ives.
Cambridgeshire St Ives.
Oh I mean, how did he do it? Because, surely, you sort of saw the car coming and you moved away.
He'd try and stop on the foot but sometimes he'd miss.
But if he got it, he'd pull the handbrake and get out of the car and walk off.
I want to know how did it start, the first time? I was working there and Shabs joined and one of the other guys told me it'd be quite funny, cos he didn't know that I had a prosthetic leg, to get my foot trapped under a wheel.
- To try and spook him? - Yeah.
But it didn't.
It awoke a sort of bloodlust in him, didn't it? So, at the start of this story was that it was - It was all humorous.
- .
.
I thought that he was perhaps bullying you a bit.
Turns out, it's the other way round completely.
The person you tried to bully at work turned out to be a sociopath.
Right.
What about, what about David? - Why does he keep a parrot in the cobbler's? - Er, as a pet.
- As a pet? - Yeah, it's not, he's not a colleague.
Did you go to the cobbler's a lot, then? Because for him to go through all the effort of teaching a parrot to say "Nice shoes, Dave," I mean, I've probably been to a cobbler's like twice in the last five years.
So, do your shoes kind of wear out really quickly or? Well, I suppose I probably do go to the cobbler's quite a lot.
Oh, OK, then, that's fine! And what sort of voice does the parrot have? Could you give us a taste of the parrot? I'm so sorry? A flavour.
You want me to do an impression? Not so much an impression, more an evocation.
I suppose it would be sort of, I don't know what it's going to sound like until it comes out, so I'll be I'm pretty sure it's going to be quite bad.
I'm just going to say, I'm listening to it at the same time as you, so Welcome to my world.
Nice shoes, Dave.
That was horrible.
That was the most horrible thing you've ever done.
Nothing like a bird.
You've done some horrible things but that was horrible.
Well, look, it's a parrot, you know? Doesn't sound like a parrot.
Are you sure it's not just a rather exotic man that works with Shabs? Obviously what you've got to understand is what you heard there wasn't the parrot.
That was me.
But it was you trying to sound You're saying, "That parrot sounds like a man "pretending to be a parrot.
" I'm not sure that's conclusive.
But it didn't even sound like that, did it? Any parrot worth his salt would say HE SQUAWKS .
.
"Nice shoes, Dave.
" Listen, Rob.
You're in the chair.
If you want to do a parrot impression at any point you can just do it.
We don't have to go around this ridiculous process.
What, what's the name of Shabs's parrot? Graham.
It's sounding more and more like it is a man.
Just a man stood in the corner of the shop.
This parrot, is he six foot? No, no, no Does he smoke a cigarette and go, "All right, Dave, nice shoes"? All right.
We need an answer.
So, Lee's team.
Is Shabs Shaun's bunker buddy, Jonnie's parking prankster, or David's parrot pal? I thought Shaun told a great story.
I love the fact that, I mean, putting his drumsticks - in his bunker.
- And you think that's perfectly acceptable? That sounds like a euphemism, doesn't it? - He might.
- You believe it? - Here's a question.
Does Shabs look like the type of person - who would have a nuclear bunker? - Oh, definitely.
I think that Shabs looks like he could work in a garage.
What about David? The bit I doubt is the fact that you're going to the cobblers so regularly.
Because that would be the actions of a man who cares what he looks like.
What shoes have you got on tonight? - Um, do you want me to show you my shoes? - Yes, please.
Shall we have a look and see if they are worn? Ooh, nice shoes, Dave.
It's easily done, isn't it? Um, yeah, these have never been to the cobbler's.
You seem to be spending a lot of effort on the shoes and less effort to iron your trousers.
Let that be a lesson to you, young man! I didn't realise my offer to show you my shoes was going to lead to mockery.
But David, you must have suspected it! - So you're saying Jonnie? - Yes.
You're saying Jonnie.
- Reluctantly, I am.
- OK.
Right, Shabs, would you please reveal your true identity? My name is Shabs, and I used to park cars on Jonnie's foot.
Yes, Shabs is Jonnie's parking prankster.
Thank you very much, Shabs.
Which brings us to our final round, quickfire lies.
And we start with It's Lee.
Ooh - possession.
Ah, now, take a look.
There's a box under your desk.
Place the item from the box on top of the desk first, and then read out the card.
Thank you.
This is my lucky dice.
I can always roll a six with it in three goes.
David.
Yeah! Well, yeah, go on, then.
Do you want to know how I came to discover this? - Yes, please.
- I just found it in a box.
How long have you had it? I've had it for about 20 years.
Oh, the dice? I thought you meant my syphilis.
Where did you get it? I got it from a woman in Highgate.
I meant the syphilis.
Oh, sorry.
Er, I paid for it.
£4.
99.
We meant the dice.
Full of spots! When did you first discover that you had .
.
that these dice, or die, were indeed lucky? I was walking the back streets of Hong Kong.
Yes I'm down this dark alley.
Right.
There's a weird shop staying open late.
I go in, a small bell rings.
And a small Chinese man was there.
Hang on, this is Gremlins, forget this.
This, I got it from Hamleys.
Give us some examples of when you've used this lucky dice.
Well, I've used it, it helped me get together with my first girlfriend.
Oh, do tell.
Yeah, that was her name.
It wasn't her real name.
It was Janet.
Janet.
It helped you get together with Janet.
It helped me get together with Janet, my first girlfriend, - because she was a big fan of magic.
- Right.
And I um, and I said, "Oh, I can do a magic trick.
" And she said, "What's that?" I said, "Do you see this dice? "I can guarantee at any point I call roll it three times, "and I will always get a six.
" And how many times did you do it before Janet said I love you? She never expressed her love for me.
But after I rolled it once, we slept together.
Well, maybe we should put this lucky dice to the test.
Now, to get a proper view, why don't you, you could come out and use this bit of stage here.
You'd be like one of those New York crap-shooters from Guys And Dolls.
I mean, when would you like me to get it? Straight away, or would that ruin it? - I think a bit of tension, for the last role - Bit of tension, yeah.
Yeah.
It's never gone wrong in 20 years.
I've swallowed it! There's the first one.
- What is it, madam? - Five.
Oh, sorry, Sir.
Sorry.
All good.
It's Janet! So, there's no worries, you've got to two left.
OK.
Here we go.
I mean, be honest, it's pretty gripping, isn't it? It's actually pretty gripping stuff, isn't it? Well, people watched Deal or no Deal, didn't they? Attempt number two, here we go.
- Three.
- Three.
- It's a three.
So you're sticking to your promise of waiting for the third roll.
Where are you going? To have a little sit down.
So what do we think, is it true, or is this? Er, you have to follow through on your promises.
- Right.
Right.
- Here we go.
- Come on.
- Here we go.
Let me say that I personally am convinced that Lee is telling a lie but that, nevertheless, he will now roll a six.
Here he goes, Lee Mack, third roll, got to be a six.
It's rolling.
What is it? So what numbers did I get, can anyone remember? Five, three, and two.
So they don't add up to six either, do they? What do you think? Can I just check? Is this definitely the dice I brought in? I've got an idea.
We can make this work by justwe retake Lee reading the card and he says, "This is my dice, "it occasionally rolls a six.
" So what are you going to say, then? Jonnie? - Lie? - Lie.
- Lie.
- Lie.
Lee? Truth, or lie? It was a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Lee doesn't have lucky dice.
BUZZER And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show and I can reveal that Lee's team has won by three points to two.
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a former Spice Girl.
Ironically, when I asked if I could still call her Baby, the response was scary.
It's Emma Bunton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a comedian who is also a BAFTA-winning actress.
Winning an award must have done wonders for her career, but not enough to escape this show - it's Jo Brand.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on David Mitchell's team tonight, one of the most famous Shauns in show business, second only to the sheep, it's Shaun Williamson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE HE BAAS And a Paralympic gold medallist who once made the 12 person short list for Sports Personality Of The Year.
What an achievementfinding 12 sportsmen with a personality.
It's Jonnie Peacock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And we begin tonight with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they have no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from fiction.
Jo, you're first up tonight.
Okey-dokey.
At school, I once rubbed stinging nettles all over my face and told my teacher I was ill so I could go meet a boy in a graveyard.
LAUGHTER David's team.
I mean True.
Um So, this was a date in the graveyard? Was the boy living? He was just before we met, yeah.
Jo, you say these are your school days, so we're talking about the 1990s.
Now, what was the LAUGHTER It's my way of being flattering and chivalrous.
Chivalrous.
- When was this, Jo? - The 1890s.
LAUGHTER That would have been the late '60s, actually, early '70s.
- Late '60s? - Yeah.
- Gosh, OK.
So when you walked into the graveyard like this, he must have been shocked to see you.
Rob, he was pleased to see me.
He knew what he was going to get.
LEE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What was he going to get? I bought him a cake.
So, freshly nettled, you go off, you go and find your teacher, what happens then? Well, I say to the teacher I'm really not feeling well, I don't know whether I ate something for lunch that's given me some sort of allergic reaction, can I go home? I mean, I don't know, I've never run a school .
.
but are you allowed, if a child says they're ill, you're allowed to just say, "Yeah, off you go"? Well, I said to her that my mum was at home and I lived within walking distance of the school.
It was the late '60s, early '70s.
Very different time.
Children hadn't long stopped going up chimneys.
What do you think? It's so unfeasible, it's probably true, isn't it? Well, that's the wrong way to reason, it should be that unfeasible things are less likely to be true.
Although the true things are deliberately picked to be unlikely.
- Exactly.
- I travelled here by car, for example.
Never come up.
That would be easy! Sorry, can I just check something here? Why do you get a car? It's a class thing, you know? They still shouldn't make me drive your car.
Right, Jo, in the graveyard with the young man.
- What do you think? - True.
- Because it sounds so unlikely.
Yes.
I still think it's flawed reasoning, but we'll go true.
You're saying that it's true.
Right, Jo.
Truth or lie? It is .
.
a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Jo didn't rub stinging nettles over her face to get out of school.
Shaun, you're next.
I once stole the shirt off a scarecrow in order to get into a nightclub.
- Lee's team.
- Wow, OK.
Was you not wearing anything before you went to the nightclub? - Me? - Yeah.
- A T-shirt, you see.
- OK.
- Oh, and they wouldn't let you in? - Yeah, but they, what it is, you know, it's a bit more relaxed these days because the dress code - isn't what it was back in "the day".
- What was the day? - What year? - What, in my "the day"? Or when this happened? - It was early 2000s.
- Oh, so, early 2000s, you've gone to a nightclub, where was this nightclub? - In Rochester.
- Rochester is a town, right? And that's why it's got a nightclub in it.
And scarecrows don't really tend to be used in towns - What a very good point.
- .
.
because there aren't many massive fields.
Thank you, Miss Marple.
APPLAUSE When did you find out you needed a shirt to get in the club? Did you go to the club and then? When the bouncer said, "You ain't coming in.
" Right, and then you walked back to the scarecrow to get the shirt? I walked back to the allotment.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! This is very high-level play.
This is like chess, isn't it, between Shaun and Jo.
Take that, Moriarty.
Do you live in Rochester? No.
So how did you know there was an allotment in Rochester near the nightclub? - I lived near it then.
- Oh, I see.
Fair enough.
It's like fencing, isn't it? But, then again, if you lived in Rochester, why didn't you just go home and get a shirt? Oh, this gets better and better! - Checkmate.
- No.
No, no, no.
I was born in Chatham, but brought up in Maidstone but my uncle lived in Rochester and it was one of the allotments on his patch, so I knew where the allotments were, apropos to the nightclub.
Ms Brand, back to you.
Can I ask, earlier you said you had a T-shirt - and trainers and jeans on.
- Yes.
- And you thought it was a relaxed club but then you went to the club and they said you need a shirt, but you're not allowed in a club with trainers on.
OK.
- The bouncer - Can I just say, Shaun, you're the kind of person that every time you speak you always sound like you're going to start it with "I'd like to change my story.
" Or is that the impression I'm just giving you? For the sake of the tape, the accused has walked into the room The bouncer was a massive fan of EastEnders and was quite embarrassed at turning me away, so I think when he saw the effort I'd made cos I was already eight pints to the wind, so when he saw the effort I'd made, I think he just couldn't bear turning me away again.
What do you think, Jo? Could this be true? I think he'd have had a better time if he'd popped down the graveyard.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I think there's a lot of anomalies in it.
This is what I think.
A man who knows exactly where an allotment is cos he knows the town so well knows you can't get into the nightclub without collars.
And, for that reason, Shaun, we find you guilty.
- So what are you saying, Lee, you think it's a lie? - Lie.
- It is a lie.
You think it's a lie? You all think it's a lie? - Yeah, we all think it's a lie.
- Shaun, truth or lie? It is .
.
a lie.
It's a lie.
Shaun didn't steal a shirt from a scarecrow.
- Emma, you're next.
- I'm next.
OK.
OK, when the Spice Girls stayed in hotels, we played a special game to test who was the bravest.
And what was the game? We used to dare each other to docertain things.
What was the scariest thing you were ever dared to do? Sing live? SHOCKED LAUGHTER Rob, you've got to watch out, cos a lot people think you're nice.
That's why you get the boat advert and me and him don't, - cos you're the nice one.
- Yeah.
- And it's all a facade cos me and David know actually, you are evil.
Yeah.
Welcome aboard.
So, Emma, what sort of things did you do? So, the main one was involved nudity.
Right.
So, we used to stay in hotels a lot, obviously, while we were touring, and we used to dare each other to go Like, run in the hallways and we had to do that naked.
- Naked? - Yeah, we were allowed sometimes to carry a flannel.
- Clothes A flannel? - Yeah.
What were you worried was going to happen? The flannel was so you could cover.
You had to choose a part, obviously, to cover.
Victoria could use that as a dressing gown.
So, if someone saw you, you could decide which part of you you were known by and cover that up.
Exactly.
Yes.
Cover your face.
That's probably the best way, isn't it? - I remember once the girls made me go to the lift - Yeah.
- .
.
and wait for the lift to arrive.
- No! And, then, obviously, you were lucky if it opened and no-one was there.
Oh, no! I suddenly felt You're really getting into this story.
I suddenly felt like being challenged to do it myself.
Jo, you've toured the country, haven't you, with your show, you've stayed in hotels.
Never found a flannel big enough, Rob.
I think it's the logistics of the game that interests me, typically.
I want to understand better how the competition worked.
We'd take two at a time and the first one back knocking on the door, that would be the winner.
It's a knockout - two become one, it's simple.
Jonnie, what do you think? True? I think it does sound like it all adds up so far.
- Shaun, what are you thinking here? - I've been consistently wrong tonight.
Unerringly wrong.
In which case, if you maintain your current strategy, we can use that to win.
- What do you think instinctively? - Lie.
Lie.
It's true, then.
So, Emma, truth or lie? It is .
.
true! Well done.
Well done.
Yes, it's true.
The Spice Girls really did run around hotels wearing nothing but a flannel.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Shabs.
So, Shaun, what is Shabs to you? This is Shabs, I keep my chicken drumsticks in his nuclear bunker.
Shaun's bunker buddy.
Jonnie, how do you know Shabs? This is Shabs and he used to regularly park cars on my foot to stop me going anywhere.
Jonnie's parking prankster.
And, finally, David.
What is your relationship with Shabs? This is Shabs, and he's taught his parrot to say "Nice shoes, Dave," whenever I enter his cobbler's.
- Lee's, where will you begin? - Shall we start with Shaun? Let's start with Shaun, I think.
- Yeah? - Yes.
- You leave your chicken drumsticks in his nuclear shelter? - Is that what you're claiming? - Yes.
- OK.
Enough questions.
Jonnie.
Where is this nuclear shelter? - In a field out the back of his garden.
- Which part of the country? Mid Kent.
I don't think anyone's ever referred to whatever area you're talking about as Mid Kent.
When you hear people say "Where are you from?" "Oh, I'm Mid British.
" - You're not Mid Kent.
- You say, "I'm from the Midlands".
That's the middle of Britain, isn't it? But anyway LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Shaun, has he got a freezer in his nuclear bunker? A very large chest freezer.
How many chicken drumsticks have you got in it? Ooh! Er Probably in there I'd say it's a pack of ten cos it's not - just drumsticks, you see.
- You're not running a catering firm on the site? I have meat mass-delivered and sometimes I need an overfill.
What do you mean, you have meat mass-delivered? You know, a regular delivery from a butcher's.
Right, why are you buying so much meat? Because what's happened particularly this year, I've been working away a lot, so, I haven't been going through the amount of meat I normally go through, so at the moment it's just a bit an overflow.
Well, why don't you stop the order? How do you know Shabs, Shaun? I know Shabs from my local pub cricket team.
What fielding position? Slip and number four batsman.
- All right, and what does he do? - All rounder.
Excellent.
He does everything.
He bats, he bowls, he freezes your meat.
Shaun, I've never been into a nuclear bunker, what's it like? OK, so, basically, when you approach it, you'll see something that might look like a sort of white, woodeny, one of those - slatted beehives, a square beehive.
- A slatted beehive? Yes, but what that is, that's the air-conditioning purifying system and then there's almost like a hatch, like a submarine hatch, so, you climb down a ladder.
A metal ladder.
Sorry, can I just check, have you been watching the Teletubbies recently? And then you get down the bottom of the ladder, is there a living area? A bedroom? Yes, yes, there's a living area, he has got a television - and a cracking - Oh, yeah, because right after the nuclear war you're going to get a lot of telly, aren't you? I bet EastEnders survives.
The cockroach of TV shows.
- Harsh.
- You said it! - I can't go back, I can't go back.
He's got a cracking selection of videos.
Oh, I bet he has.
Now the truth comes out! "Just going to Shabs' to get some chicken drumsticks.
"Shan't be long.
" Right, Lee, who would you like to quiz next? OK, Jonnie, so, just remind us again what this fella did to you? He used to park cars on my foot so I couldn't move.
- You couldn't move? - On your prosthetic foot? Obviously on the prosthetic one! He's a friend of yours that did this, or is he? I used to work in a garage in a garage.
And Shabs worked in the garage.
Where was this, Mid Kent? - In St Ives.
- St Ives.
Not Cornwall St Ives.
Cambridgeshire St Ives.
Oh I mean, how did he do it? Because, surely, you sort of saw the car coming and you moved away.
He'd try and stop on the foot but sometimes he'd miss.
But if he got it, he'd pull the handbrake and get out of the car and walk off.
I want to know how did it start, the first time? I was working there and Shabs joined and one of the other guys told me it'd be quite funny, cos he didn't know that I had a prosthetic leg, to get my foot trapped under a wheel.
- To try and spook him? - Yeah.
But it didn't.
It awoke a sort of bloodlust in him, didn't it? So, at the start of this story was that it was - It was all humorous.
- .
.
I thought that he was perhaps bullying you a bit.
Turns out, it's the other way round completely.
The person you tried to bully at work turned out to be a sociopath.
Right.
What about, what about David? - Why does he keep a parrot in the cobbler's? - Er, as a pet.
- As a pet? - Yeah, it's not, he's not a colleague.
Did you go to the cobbler's a lot, then? Because for him to go through all the effort of teaching a parrot to say "Nice shoes, Dave," I mean, I've probably been to a cobbler's like twice in the last five years.
So, do your shoes kind of wear out really quickly or? Well, I suppose I probably do go to the cobbler's quite a lot.
Oh, OK, then, that's fine! And what sort of voice does the parrot have? Could you give us a taste of the parrot? I'm so sorry? A flavour.
You want me to do an impression? Not so much an impression, more an evocation.
I suppose it would be sort of, I don't know what it's going to sound like until it comes out, so I'll be I'm pretty sure it's going to be quite bad.
I'm just going to say, I'm listening to it at the same time as you, so Welcome to my world.
Nice shoes, Dave.
That was horrible.
That was the most horrible thing you've ever done.
Nothing like a bird.
You've done some horrible things but that was horrible.
Well, look, it's a parrot, you know? Doesn't sound like a parrot.
Are you sure it's not just a rather exotic man that works with Shabs? Obviously what you've got to understand is what you heard there wasn't the parrot.
That was me.
But it was you trying to sound You're saying, "That parrot sounds like a man "pretending to be a parrot.
" I'm not sure that's conclusive.
But it didn't even sound like that, did it? Any parrot worth his salt would say HE SQUAWKS .
.
"Nice shoes, Dave.
" Listen, Rob.
You're in the chair.
If you want to do a parrot impression at any point you can just do it.
We don't have to go around this ridiculous process.
What, what's the name of Shabs's parrot? Graham.
It's sounding more and more like it is a man.
Just a man stood in the corner of the shop.
This parrot, is he six foot? No, no, no Does he smoke a cigarette and go, "All right, Dave, nice shoes"? All right.
We need an answer.
So, Lee's team.
Is Shabs Shaun's bunker buddy, Jonnie's parking prankster, or David's parrot pal? I thought Shaun told a great story.
I love the fact that, I mean, putting his drumsticks - in his bunker.
- And you think that's perfectly acceptable? That sounds like a euphemism, doesn't it? - He might.
- You believe it? - Here's a question.
Does Shabs look like the type of person - who would have a nuclear bunker? - Oh, definitely.
I think that Shabs looks like he could work in a garage.
What about David? The bit I doubt is the fact that you're going to the cobblers so regularly.
Because that would be the actions of a man who cares what he looks like.
What shoes have you got on tonight? - Um, do you want me to show you my shoes? - Yes, please.
Shall we have a look and see if they are worn? Ooh, nice shoes, Dave.
It's easily done, isn't it? Um, yeah, these have never been to the cobbler's.
You seem to be spending a lot of effort on the shoes and less effort to iron your trousers.
Let that be a lesson to you, young man! I didn't realise my offer to show you my shoes was going to lead to mockery.
But David, you must have suspected it! - So you're saying Jonnie? - Yes.
You're saying Jonnie.
- Reluctantly, I am.
- OK.
Right, Shabs, would you please reveal your true identity? My name is Shabs, and I used to park cars on Jonnie's foot.
Yes, Shabs is Jonnie's parking prankster.
Thank you very much, Shabs.
Which brings us to our final round, quickfire lies.
And we start with It's Lee.
Ooh - possession.
Ah, now, take a look.
There's a box under your desk.
Place the item from the box on top of the desk first, and then read out the card.
Thank you.
This is my lucky dice.
I can always roll a six with it in three goes.
David.
Yeah! Well, yeah, go on, then.
Do you want to know how I came to discover this? - Yes, please.
- I just found it in a box.
How long have you had it? I've had it for about 20 years.
Oh, the dice? I thought you meant my syphilis.
Where did you get it? I got it from a woman in Highgate.
I meant the syphilis.
Oh, sorry.
Er, I paid for it.
£4.
99.
We meant the dice.
Full of spots! When did you first discover that you had .
.
that these dice, or die, were indeed lucky? I was walking the back streets of Hong Kong.
Yes I'm down this dark alley.
Right.
There's a weird shop staying open late.
I go in, a small bell rings.
And a small Chinese man was there.
Hang on, this is Gremlins, forget this.
This, I got it from Hamleys.
Give us some examples of when you've used this lucky dice.
Well, I've used it, it helped me get together with my first girlfriend.
Oh, do tell.
Yeah, that was her name.
It wasn't her real name.
It was Janet.
Janet.
It helped you get together with Janet.
It helped me get together with Janet, my first girlfriend, - because she was a big fan of magic.
- Right.
And I um, and I said, "Oh, I can do a magic trick.
" And she said, "What's that?" I said, "Do you see this dice? "I can guarantee at any point I call roll it three times, "and I will always get a six.
" And how many times did you do it before Janet said I love you? She never expressed her love for me.
But after I rolled it once, we slept together.
Well, maybe we should put this lucky dice to the test.
Now, to get a proper view, why don't you, you could come out and use this bit of stage here.
You'd be like one of those New York crap-shooters from Guys And Dolls.
I mean, when would you like me to get it? Straight away, or would that ruin it? - I think a bit of tension, for the last role - Bit of tension, yeah.
Yeah.
It's never gone wrong in 20 years.
I've swallowed it! There's the first one.
- What is it, madam? - Five.
Oh, sorry, Sir.
Sorry.
All good.
It's Janet! So, there's no worries, you've got to two left.
OK.
Here we go.
I mean, be honest, it's pretty gripping, isn't it? It's actually pretty gripping stuff, isn't it? Well, people watched Deal or no Deal, didn't they? Attempt number two, here we go.
- Three.
- Three.
- It's a three.
So you're sticking to your promise of waiting for the third roll.
Where are you going? To have a little sit down.
So what do we think, is it true, or is this? Er, you have to follow through on your promises.
- Right.
Right.
- Here we go.
- Come on.
- Here we go.
Let me say that I personally am convinced that Lee is telling a lie but that, nevertheless, he will now roll a six.
Here he goes, Lee Mack, third roll, got to be a six.
It's rolling.
What is it? So what numbers did I get, can anyone remember? Five, three, and two.
So they don't add up to six either, do they? What do you think? Can I just check? Is this definitely the dice I brought in? I've got an idea.
We can make this work by justwe retake Lee reading the card and he says, "This is my dice, "it occasionally rolls a six.
" So what are you going to say, then? Jonnie? - Lie? - Lie.
- Lie.
- Lie.
Lee? Truth, or lie? It was a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Lee doesn't have lucky dice.
BUZZER And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show and I can reveal that Lee's team has won by three points to two.
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.