Birds of a Feather (1989) s12e06 Episode Script

1 What'll I do When you are far away? And I am blue What'll I do? When I'm alone With only dreams of you That won't come true What'll I do? My manager says I've got a bad attitude.
It's taken him three weeks to see that? If you're angling to get the sack No, I'm not! I like working at the bookies.
I like the other wage slaves, they're a laugh.
It's the customers what get on me thruppenies.
Oh, they are such wasters.
I mean, every time I look at them I see Chris staring back at me.
Makes me want to pour boiling hot coffee over their family jewels.
I can see how they'd pick up on that.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
- It's my biggest problem.
- No, Sharon.
That's only halfway down a very, very long list.
Do you fancy going for a drink Trace? Just you and me.
- I need to chillax.
- In a bit.
I'm just doing Travis's pizza.
Can't he can do it himself? He's ain't a baby.
Oh, cut the crust off for me, Mum.
Already done, love.
Thanks.
How are you going to cope when you go away to uni? I'll get it.
He's not going anywhere.
He's staying local.
That way he won't have to pay rent and he can eat all his meals here.
And have Mummy on hand to cut the crusts off his pizza.
Travis! Oh! Mwah! Mwah! Tracey! Mwah! Mwah! Who the hell was that? I don't know! Sharon! Just like I pictured you.
Come here, you! Oh.
- Emma? - Granny! I mean, this is all so sudden.
You really should have warned me.
Sorry.
I know I can be a bit impulsive.
Oh, that's OK.
Nice to meet you.
So, have you just come over from New Zealand? Yes.
Oh, Mummy's so happy out there.
She's got a beautiful parish.
Yeah, so I understand from my loving daughter's one and only email.
It wasn't for me, though.
It's such a backwater, especially the fashion.
They still think Stella McCartney's a hot ticket.
You mention Vena Cava or Peter Som and it's just a sea of blank faces.
So, I applied for some jobs back here, landed some interviews in London and thought I'd come and see my gorgeous Granny! Sorry, I can't do this.
I spent my whole life not having a family, then suddenly your mother drops into my life, only to disappear just as suddenly off to New Zealand.
And then, out the blue, you turn up.
No, it's all too much.
Oh, I see.
Erm No, you're right.
I've I've been thoughtless.
I'll I'll go.
No.
You're here now.
Stay.
- Only please don't call me - - BOTH: Granny? I won't.
It's not right, anyway.
You know, you actually look even younger in the flesh than you do on Skype.
Oh.
Have a couple of bulbs gone? Can I call you Dorien? I think we're more like sisters, anyway.
Oh! I couldn't possibly comment.
I really feel this fantastic connection between us.
My friends think you're a legend.
I mean, Foxy Cohen is just the best.
Well, I have always tried to connect with the young.
As the doorman down the YMCA will confirm.
I can't wait to get to know you better.
Oh, erm I was wondering if I could crash here for a couple of days.
Yes! That'd probably be OK, wouldn't it, Mum? Yeah, of course.
As long as you don't mind bunking in with your big sister.
I'd love to! Oh, we can go clubbing and then come home and have late-night, girly chats.
- Oh.
I'll show you upstairs.
- Great.
- I'll carry your bags.
- Oh, that's lovely, thank you.
50, 60, 70, 75 pence.
Don't spend it all at once.
Loser.
Hello, Trace.
What are you doing here? You've come to see if I'm behaving myself.
You don't you trust me, do you? Would it surprise you if I say no? Not really.
- Excuse me.
- In a minute.
- Just really quickly, I need - - I said, in a minute.
I want to put 20 quid to win on Humphreys About in the 3.
30.
I am talking to my sister.
So rude.
And the 3.
30 is underway, with Don't Mention Squirrels making the early running from Humphreys About.
- They've started now! What about my bet?! - What about your bet? And Humphreys About is a faller at the first fence.
There you go.
I just saved you twenty notes.
Say thank you.
Oh, I'll say a lot more than that.
Excuse me, love.
Dennis Timms, Area Manager.
We've had complaints about your attitude, and I see they were only scratching the surface.
I think you'd better step into the office, if you don't mind.
- They sacked you, didn't they? - No, they didn't.
They docked me half a day's pay and gave me a final written warning.
And it's all your fault, Trace.
If you hadn't been spying on me, I wouldn't have got lumbered with this.
- What's that? - Customer Service Manual.
I've got to read it and digest.
Blimey.
Is it Grab-A-Granny night down the Harvester? Travis and I are taking Emma out to introduce her to Chigwell night life.
Oh, great.
Bars you can't hear yourself think in, blokes with fake tans and birds with tattoos.
My kind of people.
When will you start acting your age? When my knees lock together and my push up bra won't push up anymore.
Oh, Emma's enthusiasm makes me feel young.
Glad you didn't chuck her out, then? She's so different to Naomi.
I don't feel any of that baggage.
- Guilt, you mean.
- Emma's inherited my style, my joie de vivre.
It's remarkable how like me she is.
50 years and three face lifts ago.
She's such a ball of energy, so focussed on the positive.
Such an antidote to the sullen, ponderous heap of negativity that is you, Sharon.
She takes me back to when I was young.
Life full of promise.
I never felt like that.
Oh, there's a surprise.
Life's really marked you, hasn't it? I just knew that it was going to be one long arse ache.
And I haven't been disappointed.
Hi! Oh, you look gorgeous! It's a bit chilly out.
That's not going to keep you very warm.
Oh, I don't know.
It's making Travis sweat.
Mum gave me some money for an interview outfit, but I blew the whole lot on this.
I just couldn't resist! I know where you're coming from.
Marcus once sent me out to buy a washing machine and I blew the lot on a romantic weekend for two in Paris.
- Was he cross? - Livid.
He was in Dusseldorf.
- Right, shall we go, then? - Yeah.
Oh, I hope your girlfriend isn't going to mind you being out with me.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Hoo-hoo-hoo! He hasn't got a girlfriend.
We recently split up.
- Where shall we go first? - Oh, who cares! Let's just go with the flow and see where the evening takes us.
Yeah, well most evenings round here end up in the kebab shop so you better glue in your teeth, Dor.
Enjoy yourselves.
Be careful, won't you, Travis? Yes, Mum.
- What are you doing? - You have got homework to do.
Morning, everyone.
Got a nice cup of tea for you all.
Travis! Emma! Oh! Morning.
Oh, Tracey, that is so kind of you! Oh, I'll take Travis's.
He hasn't got any trousers on yet.
Dorien! Dorien, whenever you crawl out of whoever's bed you slept in last night, can you please listen to one of the 47 messages I've left and call me? Where have you been? I've been phoning you.
Yes, sorry.
I'm afraid, like me, my phone ran out of charge around Orpington.
Why were you in Orpington? Those night buses take a very circuitous route.
I'm ashamed to say I let my enthusiasm get the better of me last night.
Shots are a bad, bad thing.
I fell in with a very fast crowd.
I ended up at an all-night paintballing session in Canary Wharf.
As you can see, I took rather a lot of hits.
You look like Ronald McDonald after he's been through a car wash.
I'll take your word for it.
I'm too scared to look in the mirror.
I should have stayed with Travis and Emma.
Did they get home all right? Oh, yeah, they've been tucked up all night.
In the same bloody bed! - No! - Yes! He's upstairs with her now, with no trousers on! Your grand-daughter has taken advantage of my baby.
Emma doesn't need to take advantage of anyone.
She could have any man.
And she'll have them all before she's 30, the way she's going! Not what I expected from a vicar's daughter, but I suppose her mother had an uphill battle, struggling against your scrubber's genes! Yeah, and what about Travis's biological background? His blood type is definitely gangster positive! Oh, good! A full English argument for breakfast.
Flipping hell, Dor! You look like Ronald McDonald after - - Been there, done that.
Oh.
So what's it about? - It's about Emma and Travis.
- What's happened? They were getting on well enough last night.
- You saw them? - Yeah.
They came back in while I was ploughing through that manual.
I mean, honestly, I have had read more interesting phone bills.
And? And they started snogging and it was getting on my nerves.
So you told them to stop? Well, sort of.
I told them to get a room.
Well, they definitely did that.
You mean, they Wa-hey! Ha ha ha! This is all your fault! Fancy sending them up to his room.
I've done him a favour, Trace! It's about time he parked his bus.
- He wasn't ready.
- Well, if he wasn't ready, it wouldn't have happened.
Trust me, I'm an expert.
He's too young.
God knows how this has affected him.
PHARRELL WILLIAMS: Get Lucky Well, what makes you so sure that he didn't seduce her? one, she's related to you; and two, Travis gets embarrassed when the girl in Costa asks him if he wants chocolate on it.
You don't think he's good enough for your precious grand-daughter.
No, you started the name calling.
I'm very fond of Travis.
I was simply defending Emma.
Well, I think they make a lovely couple.
Morning.
Ooh, good night was it, Dor? Look, I won't be in for lunch, Mum.
I'm taking Emma down Luigi's for a calzone.
Hoping all your mates are going to be there? They should be.
I've texted them all twice.
They're going to be well jealous.
Travis, are you sure you're all right, love? Yeah.
Why wouldn't I be? Oh, my God! Have you been discussing my sex life? Wow.
I've got a sex life.
Well, you shouldn't have.
I don't want that sort of thing going on in my house.
Here we go again.
Look this proves Emma's right, Mum.
I can't go to a local uni.
Look, I need to go away and she reckons Maastricht is really good.
I don't want you going to Scotland.
- Maastricht is in Holland, Tracey.
- That's abroad! Morning! - You look amazing.
- Thanks.
Oh! - Are you OK? - Fine.
Just a little frayed around the edges.
- Let's go.
- OK.
Bye! Your grand-daughter is taking my son away from me.
Only for a calzone.
You're driving him away because you're so clingy.
Why don't you have him stuffed and put him on the sideboard? That way he'll never leave home.
Look, you've got to cut the apron strings sooner or later.
I vote for later.
I just don't want to see them carrying on.
And I don't want to hear you slandering my grand-daughter.
Well, like I said, I think they make a lovely couple.
Oh, shut up, Sharon! We're up all night to get lucky.
We're up all night to get lucky.
All right? - Oh, did you get to show Emma off? - Absolutely.
- She is amazing.
- Well, where is she now? - Just checking her emails.
- Travis I don't want to interfere, but don't see her anymore.
Look, Garth said this would happen.
He said the second I got a proper girlfriend you'd get all irrational.
Who's being irrational? Just stop going out with her! And don't go abroad either.
That's got nothing to do with Emma.
Look, we spoke about it and I made my own mind up.
Look, you can't just change your life because some girl says so.
She's not some girl.
She's the girl.
I'm in love.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! It's not funny, Sharon.
I'm sorry, Travis.
I mean, I think it's nice you feel like this.
Then, why did you laugh? Well, because it's funny and nice.
Travis, as the internet's foremost agony aunt, I see a lot of this.
I mean, it's only natural to think you're in love the first time you park your bus.
I mean, it was the same for me.
I mean, I can remember when and where it was, but for the life of me I can't remember who.
Or how many.
But you get it, don't you, Mum? Dad was your first and you married him.
Have you told Emma how you feel? I don't need to, Dor.
I know she feels the same way.
It's like we were meant to be.
Oh, my God! I've just had the most amazing news! I passed one of those interviews I went for.
I've got a traineeship with this brilliant law firm! Oh, that's amazing! Congratulations! Honestly, it's such a great opportunity, I can't believe it.
They want me to start on Monday and the job's in Manchester, so I'll have to leave tomorrow.
- Oh.
- What just happened? Didn't you realise the effect you'd had on him? No.
So like me.
All right if I come in? I'm really sorry.
I shouldn't have blurted it out like that.
- I should have told you first.
- Oh, it's OK.
You're right to be excited.
It's a good opportunity.
I was just being stupid.
No, no, you're not.
It's It's my fault.
I thought we were just a couple of adults having fun.
You know, like Flashdance? With more sex and less welding? I had no idea I was your first.
How did you? - Mum! - Honestly I never would have guessed.
You were such a considerate and confident lover.
I thought you must have had loads of girls.
Really? I was good, then? Better than good.
You were the whole package.
In more ways than one.
Wow.
- I'm obviously a natural.
- Obviously.
Friends? How was that? - Word perfect.
- Thanks, Emma.
WILLIAMS: Get Lucky Keep in touch.
Of course I will.
- Oh, you off, Emma? - Yeah.
Well, it was lovely to meet you.
You too, Sharon.
And thank you for having me, Tracey.
Oh, well, technically, it was Travis who had Never mind.
- See you, love.
You take care.
- Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh, bye, sis.
Oh.
You can call me Granny if you want.
But I don't, honestly.
Take care.
And don't forget to tell your mother how well we got on.
I've just realised, you're home early? Why are you home early? They sent me home.
Oh! You've been sacked, haven't you? Honestly, it's time after time.
- Ahem.
- Employee of the Month? - How the hell did that happen? - An angry punter threatened one of the girls behind the counter with a broken bottle.
- Luckily, I had my manual with me.
- And what did you do? Whacked him round the head with it.
You know Emma's just about to leave? Oh, we said our goodbyes upstairs.
It was just a kiss, Mum.
Can you wash this for me? I need it tomorrow.
Thanks.
Oi! You! Ah.
He's still my Travis.
I don't know, Trace.
I reckon Emma's turned your boy into a man.
Did you see the way he ate that pizza? Crust, an' all.