Bones s12e06 Episode Script
The Final Chapter: The Flaw in the Saw
1 Okay, dude, this is not worth it.
This is sick.
Like disgusting sick, not sick sick.
Yo, pull it together, man.
We can't keep letting Cooper get the better of us.
Look what he did to your hair.
You look like a human whoopee cushion.
Now hurry it up.
The garbage truck's gonna be here in, like, 15 minutes.
Oh, man.
Oh, this is gnarly.
Yes.
That is definitely a keeper.
Yeah, imagine the look on the Coop's face when he opens his car and all these guts spill out.
Dude, what do you think this is from? Uh, mountain lion, probably.
Oh, yeah.
(groans) What about this? Cobra.
Gross.
Dude, what about this? (both scream) (whimpering) Get out of here! Go! I'm never riding a bike again.
Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Christine, is everything? Wow, wow, okay.
What happened? Look, I was teaching her how to ride a bike, okay? And she was doing really great.
She was a little wobbly at first, and then I just kind of let her go and then, bam-- hit the ground.
Booth, I-I don't want Christine riding a bicycle until I can properly teach her about the physics.
What physics? What are you talking about, huh? Physics.
You get on, fall off, you figure it out, you get back on.
What physics? Gyroscopic forces, acceleration due to gravity, friction.
"Friction"? Don't you think that it's-it's good to not know how something works? I mean, come on, science takes the magic out of everything.
There's no magic to begin with.
It's just rules that govern the universe.
Next thing you know you're gonna be telling her that rainbows are Light refracted through water? - She already knows that.
- Of course she does.
Now that Christine's had some time to self-soothe, I'm going to go check in on her.
(phone chimes) Oh (phone trills) Oh.
Yeah, all right, well, I guess we're going to work, because there's a body ooh, found in a Dumpster full of animal guts? That's your territory.
It'll be fascinating to see how non-human viscera effects the decomposition of a human corpse.
There goes my appetite.
You'd think after 12 years you could handle a little viscera with your oatmeal.
(indistinct conversations) FUENTES: Three Dumpsters filled with entrails and fluid.
Aren't these bags not supposed to leak? Look.
Cam? No.
No, that would be the liver of a moose.
(whimpers) Damn it! Yeah.
Hey, good try, though, you know? Maybe next time.
Yeah? You want to take my place? I would, but unfortunately they haven't, you know, invented a specialized wheelchair for intestine diving.
Yeah.
SAROYAN: Dr.
Hodgins? Yeah? Have you found time of death? No.
No, not even close.
No, this pool of carcasses is like Christmas to carrion feeders, you know? They hopped around, so it's close to impossible to figure out when or where they started.
Yes! I found a human humerus.
Part of one.
HODGINS: Mm.
Well, based on the head diameter and cortical involution, I'd say the victim is female, mid-40's.
Oh, my God.
This is disgusting.
Do we have the skull? Oh, hey, Rodolfo? Gonna need to find the skull ASAP.
As we all know, skulls don't float, so No.
(whimpering) (deep breath) (coughing, whimpering) Angie, here, techs found this for you at the scene.
What? I'm having too much fun.
I hope you're still having fun when you're in hell.
(giggles) Ten more minutes, okay? FUENTES: Oh! I can smell it through my mask.
This is so disgusting.
(gags) I'll give you five.
(Fuentes gags) Bones 12x06 The Final Chapter: The Flaw in the Saw Original Air Dat Main Title Theme The Crystal Method Oh, what's that? Yes, I did fish every last bone out of the carcass pit.
Are you looking for praise for performing the most basic tasks? I I was just pointing it out.
Do we have any idea about the sock, I guess? Yeah, it's made of chain metal.
It's the only article of clothing I found in the entire Dumpster.
So we're looking for some sort of knight.
Do knights play golf? Look, take a look at the fracture to the hamulus.
It's called a golfer's fracture, I believe.
Dr.
Fuentes is correct.
This fracture is extremely common in golfers.
The result of years of stress on the wrist.
This body just keeps getting weirder by the second.
Uh, it gets even weirder.
In the victim's sinuses alone I pulled out spores from six species of tree from around the world, including Dacrydium cupressinum, which only grows in New Zealand.
So we're looking for a well-traveled knight with a love for America's favorite pastime, golf.
Just a working theory.
AUBREY: You building a bike? I wish.
No, this is how Bones wants me to teach Christine how to ride a bike.
Kind of ruins the fun.
Exactly, right? So, what do you have for me? Yeah, uh, so, Angela sent over the victim's I.
D.
, Phyllis Paul.
She was reported missing on Tuesday by her live-in girlfriend, Nancy Alpert.
Huh.
Phyllis Paul.
College golfer, competed professionally.
Yeah, but she never came close to winning a competition.
For the past ten years she taught private golf lessons.
I sent you her Web site.
Oh, thanks, Aubrey.
All right, well, I tell you what, let's, uh, bring her girlfriend in.
We can, uh, talk to her.
"Trail equals wheel radius times cosine of head angle minus rake"? What is this? It's-it's a disaster.
It's a mess.
I know that this is difficult, Ms.
Alpert, but can you tell me the last time that you saw Phyllis? Tuesday morning.
She left for the second day of her competition and she never came home that night.
Okay, she was in a golf tournament? No.
(clears throat) Lumberjacking.
"Lumberjacking"? Right, okay.
And, uh, this was a hobby of Phyllis' or? I wish it were just a hobby.
She'd found her calling as a lumberjill, or whatever they're called.
Six months in these silly competitions and she'd won more titles than 20 years of golfing.
I'm getting the sense that you were not a fan.
It was a waste of time.
Why? She was winning money.
I had more than enough for the both of us.
We were gonna retire together, travel, take cooking classes get married.
It must have upset you when she took her life in a new direction.
I'm sorry, if you're insinuating that I would ever hurt Phyllis, then you're mistaken.
I've been in love with her since she gave me my very first golf lesson.
Any idea who might have wanted Phyllis dead? Probably one of those lumberjackers.
Just last month they threw a golf club through our window.
How do you know it was a lumberjacker? 'Cause there was a note attached.
"Stick to golfing, you" Well, I'd rather not say the word.
You can read it yourself.
I gave it to the police.
(clears her throat) There's something you wanted to show me? Si, Si, Si.
I found significant fracturing of the hyoid.
We will have to analyze it to determine if it indicates cause of death.
In addition, I was looking at the striae where the victim was cut apart.
Now, the tool that was used made this wave pattern.
What do you make of it? Well, at first I wasn't sure, but then I heard that the victim was a lumberjack.
So I thought, "Rodolfo (speaks Spanish) Uh, chain saw.
I concur.
A chain saw's teeth are J-shaped and make this type of wave-like kerf mark.
The victim was dismembered with a chain saw and she was wearing those chain metal socks at time of her death, which I learned are used for protecting the lumberjack from a wild swing of the ax.
The victim was killed mid-competition.
So someone is going to have to go to the lumberjacking contest.
Booth and I will go, yeah.
Oh, hey, hey, Dr.
Brennan If you'd like to spend a little more time in the lab, I'm willing to go in your place.
Shh.
It's a small sacrifice for my favorite boss.
I sense that you are being disingenuous and that you just want to go to the competition.
Okay, fine, yes, I want to go.
But come on, what guy wouldn't? All men love chain saws.
That is not a proven fact.
Yes, it is.
Greg.
How do you feel about chain saws? I love chain saws.
Boom.
Okay, while Greg is an adequate security guard, he's not a sufficient sample size to extrapolate the preferences of an entire gender.
Booth and I are going to the competition.
Please clean and rearticulate the bones.
Take pictures.
Oh sure, I'll-I'll Chatsnap it.
This is quite impressive.
Well, no, no, no, it's not impressive.
I think the word that you're looking for is badass, all right? This is a major sport, Bones.
It's huge, and less face it, it's way more exciting than golf.
I imagine the muscle groups used to swing an ax are the same as those used to swing a golfing stick.
Four years of playing golf and you're still calling it a golfing stick.
It's a stick used to golf.
How is that not accurate? My point is that both golfing and lumberjacking are just applied physics.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You d Don't try to ruin this for me like you're ruining bike riding for Christine.
But everything's mathematics.
Sports, architecture, comedy.
Comedy is not math.
Yes, it is.
By vectoring the English language, I can make a multitude of hilarious jokes.
Please don't.
No.
For example, what did the math teacher say to the lumberjack? Don't care.
(chuckles) Make sure you use the correct "log-arithm.
" Hmm? It's all just simple "geome-tree.
" Tree.
Like, a tree, 'cause it's a log.
It comes from a tree.
It's a play on words.
Turn up And make it something to believe in You know you got to turn up To make the heart go Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa I said you got to turn up And put your hands Where I can see them You know you go to turn Up! To keep 'em begging for More, more, more, more More, more, more I set my soul on fire (indistinct male voice over PA) All for you, my love, and If you want it, baby, you can have it all Oh! But then you better turn up BRENNAN: Every person I see is carrying at least six lethal implements.
Excuse me.
Are you in charge here? Yeah, Dick Scarn.
FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth.
This here is my partner, Dr.
Temperance Brennan.
Okay.
How can I help you? Well, I'm sorry to report that one of your lumberjills has been murdered.
Murdered? Who? Phyllis Paul.
Oh.
Well, too bad.
MAN (over P.
A.
): Ladies and gentlemen Would you mind if we ask you a few questions? Well, they need me at the main stage, but, uh, you-you can walk with me.
Okay.
What happened to your femur? Uh, chain saw snapped.
I got boned.
"Bone" is not a verb.
I got a bone.
What bone? No.
A "bone" is a hard piece of wood, Bones.
- Wait.
Who's Bones? - She's Bones.
- I'm Bones.
- Oh - Oh, I thought she was Brennan.
Booth, this is exactly why you shouldn't call me "Bones.
" Right, because, you know what? This happens all the time.
When was the last time you saw Phyllis? Uh tree climb on Tuesday.
She was in that competition, and she hasn't showed up for anything since.
She was pretty good at these events, huh? Oh, yeah.
Are you kidding? When she came on the scene, she outclassed the competition.
BOOTH: Anyone in particular that she dethroned? Yeah.
Helga Thisk.
Where can we find Helga? MAN (over P.
A.
): On the hot zone, ladies and gentlemen Right over there.
we got Helga Thisk.
Go get 'em, girl.
(applause and cheering) Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, Bones.
Bones, let's just wait.
Wait.
Just wait until she puts down that big chain saw before we accuse her of murder, okay? (chain saw buzzing) (applause and cheering) MAN: All right! (applause, cheering and whooping) BOOTH: Okay, we can go now.
Come on.
BOOTH: Okay, uh, Ms.
Thisk, can you please put that ax down? You're sure Phyllis is dead? Yes, her body was dismembered, and is currently decomposing.
BOOTH: Helga, I took a look at your competition history with Phyllis.
Outsider coming in, taking over the top lumberjill spot.
That's got to be tough for you.
It's just a game, Agent Booth.
Oh, come on.
Let's lose that "It's just a game," okay? There's a lot of money to be made here.
Right? There's tons of sponsors.
BRENNAN: You would remove anyone who got in your way.
BOOTH: Mm-hmm.
What? You think I killed Phyllis? Why would I kill her? We were training partners.
She was giving me all her secrets.
What secrets? Just some math stuff that she'd use to calculate each chop, like they do it in golf.
As they should do it in every athletic endeavor.
Measuring angles and diameters forever before she even took her first swing.
BOOTH: Helga, can you think of anyone who'd want to hurt Phyllis? Probably the crazy fans.
They hated her.
They said she was making the sport dull with all her measuring.
Don't blame 'em.
MAN: Helgy! I've been looking everywhere for you.
I'm sorry.
This is my husband Ragnar.
Ragnar, these people are from the FBI.
Phyllis was murdered.
Wow! I mean, I didn't take Phyllis for the getting-murdered type.
It's a shame.
You don't seem too upset.
Oh, no.
I'll say a "yoho" for her later.
For now, we got a competition to think of.
We've got to head over to the stage for the Jack and Jill.
BOOTH: Whoa.
Wait a second.
A two-man saw? Bones, we got to see it.
It's a fan favorite.
Booth, we're in the middle of a murder investigation.
Yes, and the fans are our possible suspects here, so, what kind of detectives would we be if we didn't check out the most popular event? Hey, how's it going up here? (sighs) The day started out well.
I analyzed the hyoid further, found fracturing on the greater cornua, which means that the cause of death was most likely strangulation.
Nice.
No, no.
Not nice.
I spent the last few hours scraping tiny pieces of solid matter out of the bone that got lodged into the striae during dismemberment.
This is the slowest process.
I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but hey, hey, hey, this could actually help me determine where the victim was cut up.
Also, I analyzed the nine-iron that was thrown through the victim's window, and I think I may have found traces of permethrin and piperonyl butoxide.
Pesticides.
Professional grade.
We may be looking for an exterminator.
Well SAROYAN: How's it going up there? Let's ask her.
Um, yeah, you go ahead and do that.
I'm actually working on my own thing.
What? Is your own thing more important than chain saws? - Yeah, I-I got to go.
Hey, Cam.
- Dr.
Hodgins?! Dr.
Hodgins! Dr.
Saroyan.
Yes.
As you know, uh, Dr.
Brennan and I came to the conclusion that the victim was dismembered with a chain saw.
Yes.
I have since learned that each competitor at the Lumber Sports Competition has his or her own unique chain saw.
Therefore, I believe it is absolutely necessary to the case to subpoena each chain saw so that I may test them to match the resulting striations to the striations on the victim's bones, thus enabling me to determine whose chain saw was used to dismember the body.
So you want to play with chain saws? Play with chains No.
I don't even like chain saws.
No.
Believe me, if there is another way to find the correct chain saw, I'll do it.
Really? 'Cause I was actually gonna say, I think testing chain saws is an excellent idea.
(beeping) Really? But since you'd prefer to do it a different way No, no.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
The Lumber Sports saved this sliced wood from Monday's chain saw competition, and-- it's a real treat-- they're even labeled with each competitor's name.
Great.
So why don't you compare the striations on the bones to those on this wood? Good.
That way you don't have to worry about testing those chain saws yourself.
Mm-hmm.
Since you didn't want to do it anyway.
Yay.
Hey, Angie.
Hey, um, I'm looking at this photo you just sent, but I am so confused.
It's labeled "crime scene," but we don't even know where this murder took place.
Yeah, um, that's because, uh it's from a different murder, not this case.
MONTENEGRO: Oh, my God.
Wait a second.
I remember this.
This is from, uh, the lobbyist's murder, the one that Zack committed.
Confessed to, not committed.
Are-are are you trying to prove that? What can I do to help? (clears his throat) Okay, um, I think I may have found a way to prove that the killer wasn't Zack based on the severity of the stabbing.
Here.
See, look.
There's too much blood.
I mean, if Zack were to stab someone, which (scoffs) But still, uh, he'd do it as cleanly as possible.
Yeah, I-I just don't know if this is enough to overturn a conviction.
It's a start.
Yeah, it is.
Can I show you something from the current case? Yeah.
What's up? Okay.
So when Helga said that fans hated Phyllis, I went online, and I found this.
"North East Lumber Sports Fans are the Bombest Fans.
" Wow.
This Gene Frong guy is really die-hard.
Yeah, and he hated Phyllis.
He thought that she was ruining the sport.
Check this out.
What's up, everybody? Gene Frong in the house.
Right behind me here is Phyllis Paul.
She's measuring her log, and like always, she's taking her sweet time.
(yelling): Hey! Hey, Phyllis?! What's taking you so long? Yeah, we're bored.
- Hurry it up.
Hey.
- I got to say, it is kind of boring.
GENE: (chanting): Phyllis sucks! PEOPLE: Phyllis sucks! Phyllis sucks! That's right.
Hit her in the face! (chanting continues) Hit her in the face! Phyllis sucks! (laughs) They're doing it.
MONTENEGRO: I did some digging.
Gene works for his dad's extermination company.
Angie, I think you just found our nine-iron thrower.
BOOTH: Look, Bones, if I were an 18-year-old punk, where would I be? Where the beer is.
Come on.
I was a teenager once, Booth, and I observed that my peers enjoyed the consumption of inexpensive alcohol.
Now, this is what I'm talking about-- good old-fashioned log roll.
MEN: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Oh! BOOTH: Hey, excuse me.
Ah! Whew! That's two.
Let's go.
Excuse me.
Gene Frong, need a word with you over here, please? I'm 21, I swear! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (panting) (grunts) Hey! (groans) Oh.
Sorry.
WOMAN: Oh.
Hey! (man grunts) Oh.
Sorry.
(panting) Oh, come on, you got to be kidding me.
- Will you get down now?! - I'll stay up here all day.
Well, he can't stay there forever.
Oh, Bones, we don't have enough time here.
We don't.
Let's go.
Relax! Booth! Booth! Booth! Stop! No.
Successful axmanship requires mathematic calculation.
You got to be kidding me.
First, we find the radius of the log and divide it by 1.
25.
(crowd booing) - Come on.
- Then Okay, just take a step a back.
- Take a step back.
- We plot the angle of attack.
Enough is enough here with this.
(cheering) MAN: That's right! Good chop! (indistinct chatter, applause and cheering) Okay, okay, okay, I'm coming down.
Shh.
Put it down! Put it down! You see that, Bones, huh? Don't need science to take care of this guy.
Let's go.
BRENNAN: Hey, Cam.
What's up? Hey, based on what Rodolfo found on the hyoid, I examined the tissue around the victim's neck and found hydrogenated triglycerides.
That's vegetable shortening.
What was it doing around her neck? The murderer's hands must have been covered in it.
Well, the grease-to-person ratio at this event is exceptionally high, but I'll do my best to keep an eye out for users of triglycerides.
BOOTH: Look, I think when Phyllis didn't listen to your request to stick to golf, you decided to kick it up a couple notches.
What?! No.
I loved Phyllis.
Well, I don't tend to throw golfing sticks through the windows of people that I love.
Golf clubs.
They're not sticks.
Same thing.
Yeah, okay.
Maybe that was a little too crazy, but I would I would never kill Phyllis.
She was too much fun to have around.
Yeah.
At first, the whole measuring thing sucked, but (laughs) a bunch of us would start going to her events just to yell at her, and that was a lot of fun.
The flapjack guy even sold special pancakes just to throw at her.
Cam said that the killer's hands were covered in shortening.
BOOTH: Gene, did the flapjack guy have anything against Phyllis? (laughing): Yeah, they had a hilarious feud going on.
What kind of feud? Well, uh, at first, she said that his coffee tasted like dirt, so then he put a spider in her mug.
And that's when she let all the air out in his tires, and that's when he started selling the "Fling a Flap at Phyllis" special.
I think we need to talk to him.
Okay.
Um, can I can I go now? I have to pee really, really bad.
That's due to the fact that you consumed 24 ounces of beer.
Fluid is filling your bladder, applying pressure to stretch receptors, which signal your urethra.
Lady, you're not making this any easier for me.
Does that help? (indistinct chatter) Get two orders right here, this one.
Oh, my God.
Family recipe, passed down from Flap to Flap for generations.
So, I understand you had a bit of a feud going with Phyllis Paul.
Oh, it wasn't that bad.
Really? I beg to differ-- it says here that after the pancake tossing, Phyllis reported your truck to the health department.
That was just Phyllis being Phyllis.
She wasn't the nicest Jill at the jamboree.
But after a failed inspection, you had to buy a brand-new truck.
Planning on it.
Yeah, it was time to retire that rusty old clunker anyway.
Listen, Jack, we found traces of vegetable shortening on Phyllis's neck.
How do you explain that? (scoffs) Vegetable shortening.
What do you think I am? I cook with butter, that I make from scratch.
I should have caught that.
Hold on a second here.
No, there's a, uh, complexity of the flavor, no aftertaste.
That's definitely butter.
Why am I getting a hint of a like, a smoked meat? Bits of bacon in the batter.
I cure it myself.
Adds a hint of umami, which balances out the sweetness.
That's beautiful.
(quietly): It's a Flap family secret.
So, what about Phyllis? Anything strange going on with her lately? Eh, Phyllis kept to herself.
Brought her own "healthy" food in those little Tupperware containers.
Yeah, I know the type.
Yeah.
In fact, last Tuesday's the first time I ever saw that gal eating carbohydrate.
Wait, did you say last Tuesday? (chuckles): Yeah.
Still obnoxious as ever, jabbering away on the phone the whole time, but oh, boy, she made her way through a Jiant Jack Stack faster than I can flip a flap.
(exhales) Thanks, Jack.
Ooh.
Can I take my Jiant Jack Stack to go? You better.
Dr.
Fuentes, have you found a wood slab that matches the striations? Not yet.
I was looking at the hyoid and the surrounding area to determine cause of death.
I found something interesting on the C4 vertebra.
Crushing fracture on the anterior surface.
The fracturing is too extensive to have been caused by human hands.
Whatever implement was used squished its way into the tissue of the neck and made contact with the front of the vertebra.
There's a substantial amount of muscle in the neck, so whatever implement was used must have been extremely strong.
My guess is a pliable metal.
But why would the murderer cover it in vegetable shortening? Hey, so, I got something really interesting for you.
What is it, Aubrey? So, the day that Phyllis died, she ate pancakes.
Okay, you know what? I got to go.
Wait-wait.
Booth, Booth, look.
You know that Phyllis was an intense competitor who ate clean, right? Look, there's got to be a reason that Phyllis bought a stack of pancakes from a guy that she hated.
My guess is she was stressed.
All right, let's just think about it.
When an athlete gets stressed, you know, their their scores, they go down.
What do you say we just go check out the tournament Web site and look at her scores? That's good thinking.
Wait a second.
That doesn't add up.
Well, she was winning, but not as much as her past competitions-- you might be right.
Phyllis was off.
Huh? Come on! I'm, like, a forensic food-ologist.
(phone beeps) Hello? Hey, Angie? I just ran the solid matter that Rodolfo found in the chain saw striations through the mass spec.
Did it give you any indication of where Phyllis' body was dismembered? Well, I found Aphanomyces laevis, Lasiodiplodia theobromae, and Phialocephala virens.
They're plant fungi.
But they feed on plants from completely different climates.
I'm talking, like, where where does a cactus grow next to a water lily? In a plant nursery? Oh, yeah, right.
Huh.
Sometimes I forget these things exist outside of nature.
(chuckles) Well, I can run a search for all the nurseries in the area of the lumberjack tournament.
Yeah.
Um, by the way, I think I found something on the lobbyist's rib.
Didn't Brennan already analyze the lobbyist's bones? She missed something.
Brennan missed something? On a bone? Inside one of the wound tracts I found what could be the killer's microbial signature.
It's a combination of all the particles every human emits.
It can be used to distinguish between individuals.
Yeah, I've-I've heard of that, but there are variables.
I don't think that's ever actually held up in court.
First time for everything.
Yeah.
(computer beeping) Okay, uh, so these are the nurseries located within a five-mile radius of the tournament.
It looks like they're all in a densely populated area.
Yeah, there's no way the killer could have dismembered the victim with a chain saw at any of these places without someone hearing.
Angie, what about any nurseries in the area that closed? I mean, a bunch of untended plants-- that would explain the amount of fungus I found.
Yeah.
(computer beeps) Bonnie's Garden.
Huh.
It was closed a year ago.
And it's located a half mile from the tournament.
There's blood here.
And a lot of it.
This is definitely where our victim was dismembered.
Yeah, a remote area, drainage It's pretty clever.
Guys, look.
This pot is singed along the rim.
SAROYAN: Someone tried to burn the victim's clothing? Definitely.
And the other sock.
Wait a minute.
What is this? It's a flipline.
It's a steel cable that lumberjacks use to scale the pole in the tree climb event.
Belonged to our victim.
You think this could be the murder weapon? It definitely fits the parameters.
HODGINS: Hold on a second.
I can tell you for sure.
Can you hold that out? Yep.
Lipids.
This flipline is covered in fat.
Hey, ten to one, it's vegetable shortening.
Well, if so, we've got our murder weapon.
HODGINS: Yes! King of the plant graveyard.
SAROYAN: I still don't understand why'd you put shortening on a flipline.
Well, a slippery flipline would make it nearly impossible to scale the pole.
So sabotage.
That explains her lower scores.
But Phyllis was still winning.
So maybe this saboteur just got impatient, killed her instead.
No, no.
No, no.
Bones, what are you doing? Proving to you that lumberjacking is physics.
I am sure that it is, but I told you, I don't want to know.
Don't you wonder how the world functions? You know what, Bones? Some things in life, they need to be a mystery, okay? Like the Internet.
Why planes fly.
Farts.
Transfer protocol, manipulation of air pressure, vibrations of the anal-- Nah! Don't need to know that (phone rings) right now, okay? What is this? Th-This is silly! Hi, Cam.
Go ahead.
I found epithelial cells on the flipline, so I ran the DNA and got a hit from the Maryland Volunteer Fireman Database.
Well, who is it? Ragnar Thisk.
Helga's husband? Well, looks like the husband wanted to get a leg up for the wife.
Tell you what, hey you up for, uh, another visit to the lumberjack show? Huh? And we're not taking these.
HELGA: Sabotaging Phyllis? Never.
This sport is about community.
BOOTH: Well, come on, there's lots of sponsors.
There's a lot of money at risk.
And you were the loser.
This woman is not a loser.
I'm merely stating a fact.
She lost, ergo she is a loser.
BOOTH: Ragnar, you're very protective of your wife there.
I bet you would do anything to see her win.
Maybe even commit murder? No! Then why did we find your DNA on Phyllis's flipline, the implement used to murder her? (sighs) Okay.
I greased the flipline.
I was trying to sabotage Phyllis, but I didn't kill her, okay? Rag, how could you do that? I could see how hard you were working.
All those late nights spent practicing with Phyllis.
Ragnar, please.
Sometimes you didn't even get home till morning.
Come on, now, I wasn't working that hard.
Oh don't be humble.
What about all those weekend lumberjacking trips you and Phyllis were always going on? She'd come home completely wiped.
Phyllis's training must have really tuckered her out.
Mr.
Thisk, can you please step outside? Thank you.
(chain saws humming outside) (door closes) Okay, Phyllis and I were sleeping together.
We were gonna leave Nancy and Ragnar and get married.
We even got fitted for rings last week.
(crying): And now she's gone.
There there, there.
What does "there, there" mean? It's okay.
(sobbing) It's supposed to comfort her.
Maybe try the bear.
Let's give her some time, please.
Do you want a bear? Stop.
Give her the bear.
Helga.
Please.
Hey.
What's up? I need you to swab something for me.
I've been looking at the striations on the bone.
I found kerf marks on the right femur.
Now, they appear to have been made by an ax, and they were made prior to the chain saw damage.
Wait a minute.
You think someone attempted to chop up the body with an ax first? Exactly.
But if a lumberjack took a swing on the bone, he or she would have been strong enough to do more damage than this.
In addition, none of the slabs of wood that Cam gave us match the striations.
So if we're not looking for a lumberjack We're not looking for a lumberjack's chain saw.
The killer could have used any make or model of chain saw in the world.
How will we ever figure out which one it is? (clears throat) (sniffs) (chain saws roaring) (chain saws turn off) BOTH: It was his idea.
Look, I don't care whose idea this was.
Someone tell me what's going on.
Okay.
I'll explain, I guess.
Based on a multitude of evidence, Hodgins and I came to the conclusion that the killer's not a lumberjack.
So we're not looking for a lumberjack's chain saw, we're looking for a regular consumer chain saw.
(takes deep breath): So we're testing all of them.
And what exactly is the plan here? Look, Cam, if we can find the make and model of the chain saw that was used, we may be able to match it to a chain saw owned by one of the remaining non-lumberjack suspects.
Unfortunately, there's a small grain of intelligence in that theory.
FUENTES: So we can keep going? Just get it over with.
Yeah! (laughs) So it looks like Phyllis' girlfriend, Nancy, is our prime suspect.
I mean, she definitely has motive.
And the force profile indicates that the killer is not a lumberjack.
Well, Aubrey, you know, went and checked out her house, no one was there.
And he's also checking out the country club.
Booth, is that? You can't hide from me, you lumber slut.
Nancy! Nancy Albert, hold on.
Oh.
BOOTH: Easy.
Okay.
(grunts and groans) Wow! Okay, look at that, huh? (whoops) Talk about a good Seth Joyner takedown.
All right, that's it.
Turn around.
Let's go.
Let's go.
I hate to tell you, but you are under arrest.
Up.
Nancy, I hear you've got quite the temper? I'm sorry, wouldn't you if you just found out your girlfriend was in love with someone else? It might lead someone to murder.
I didn't kill her.
I just found out about it this morning.
This morning? From whom? I got a call from our jeweler.
He asked if the ring fit.
I never received any ring.
How do you know that Phyllis wasn't planning on giving you a ring before she died? He said she'd had it resized to a nine.
I'm a five and a half.
It was obviously meant for that ogre.
So you knew about Helga? I suspected.
Yeah, but this just confirmed it.
You don't buy a four-carat diamond for a friend.
(whistles) Four carats.
That's a very expensive ring.
You know if Helga actually got it? Well, good luck finding it if she did.
It probably looks like a speck of dust on those sausage fingers of hers.
The hard sell again.
(clears her throat) (chain saw buzzing) Hey, Hodgins, these striations still don't match.
(chain saw stops) Why are you yelling? Well Just grab another saw.
Well, I'm going to test this one for a third time, just to be sure.
Okay.
(alarms blaring) Whoa! Oh! Sorry.
Hey, no worries, no worries.
All good.
It was getting a little loud in here so I rigged this up so that I'd actually be able to know when the mass spec was finished.
Ah, genius.
Right? Yeah.
Let's see what we got here.
So it looks like we do have the results from the particulates in the axe wound.
Okay.
Glucose, sucrose, sodium nitrate, lipids Hold on a second.
This all looks like a combination of sugar, syrup, and pig fat.
- Why would you have sugar on an axe? - Yeah.
That's more like a kitchen implement.
Hey, Jack Flap told Aubrey he cures his own bacon.
A meat cleaver would create a marking with a similar profile to that of an axe head.
Let's cleanup, check the bones again.
Yeah.
Okay.
Good-bye, precioso.
AUBREY: So I'm holding Nancy, but I just don't think she'd have it in here to dismember Phyllis' body.
So I looked into our one suspect with the money motive, Jack Flap is about to default on a $30,000 loan that he took out to pay for that new truck.
- He paid if off two days ago.
- Okay.
So he sold off the ring and he used that money to pay off the loan.
If not, that would be one giant jack stack of a coincidence.
FUENTES: These marks could just as easily be from a meat cleaver.
HODGINS: Yeah, but anyone with a kitchen could have a meat cleaver.
Well, wait a second, what is this? HODGINS: What is it? A scratch on the posterior surface of the femur.
Considering the width, it seems to be from a chain saw, but it's so faint.
Could it be a hesitation mark? Chain saws are so powerful even just by touching the bone it would cause more damage than this.
Well, all the more reason to get back to those chain saws.
Mmm.
If we could figure out what type was used this injury might actually make sense.
The scratch on the femur is confounding.
The width and the unique damage pattern indicate that it was made with a chain saw, but a tool with that much power would cause more damage.
Okay, let's see if we can find the scenario that works.
Okay, what if the killer only lightly touched the bone with the chain saw? No.
A moving chain saw creates an incision that's deeper than the one we found.
What if the chain saw wasn't on? Okay.
No.
The mark on the femur indicates that the chain was moving.
So it's not from a chain saw that was on, and it's not from a chain saw that was off, but we know it's from a chain saw.
Hopefully that's the last time I say chain saw today.
Well, the chain was moving, but the saw was off.
It's almost as if the chain wrapped itself around the circumference of the bone.
(screaming) FUENTES: Stop it.
That's not good.
HODGINS: Let me just see.
Stop it.
Let me just let me see.
No, don't touch it because then everybody Ugh.
Oh, my God.
- Is everything okay? - I'm fine.
Everything is fine.
- Okay, can you move your toes? - Uh-huh.
Good, now I can kill you.
What-- for what? For this little scratch? What happened? He was testing that saw and then hit a hard spot.
Ah! A bone of sorts.
Yes, anyway, the-the chain snapped, it whipped around the log, and then it clipped him.
Ouch.
Well, no, no, no, no.
No ouch, no.
I mean, it barely even hurts.
This is it.
This is what? This must be what happened to the victim's femur.
The scratch Rodolfo found was from a chain saw chain.
It snapped off the holder and therefore wasn't going fast enough to penetrate the bone.
So if the chain saw snapped Then the killer must have a similar injury to Rodolfo.
It's not an injury.
Good work, Dr.
Fuentes.
Any time.
Okay.
Well, I'm going to look for hospital records.
(groans) Oh, Aye dios mio, y la virgin santo.
I didn't do anything.
No, you just stole Phyllis' diamond ring so you could pay off your loan, right? But she caught you, and in doing so you killed her, and you still sold it off.
You can't prove that.
Oh, but we can prove that you chopped up her body.
Why did you check in to the emergency room last Tuesday night? I, uh cut myself with a kitchen knife.
Had to get a few stitches.
Your shin's a strange place to cut yourself with a kitchen knife? Who said it was on my sh Checked out your hospital records.
I wouldn't describe 22 stitches as a-a "few.
" That cut is from a chain saw.
Almost certainly from the one you used to dismember Phyllis' body.
Our lab is tearing apart your truck right now.
It's only a matter of time before we find Phyllis' DNA, so why don't you come clean? We were joking around doing stupid pranks, and she took it too far.
She took my truck.
The truck was all I had.
Okay, so-so you sold off her engagement ring to get back at her? I heard her gabbing on her phone to her jeweler.
I just knew if I could get that ring it was my chance to pay off my debt.
She owed me.
But Phyllis caught you? She was going to turn me into the cops after everything she'd done.
I'm not sorry.
Without my truck, my life was over anyway.
Cam, you got a minute? Of course.
So I wanted to wait until the case was over to tell you.
I found proof that Zach didn't kill the lobbyist.
Okay.
I'm not gonna ask when you found time to do this, but what did you find? I was looking at the lobbyist's rib.
I was with Dr.
Brennan when she analyzed that; she found nothing.
Within one of the stab wounds, I found the microbial signature of the killer and it is not a match for Zach.
But the chances of a microbial signature surviving this long are infinitesimal.
Yeah, it had Anthrax in it, which is the only bacteria that can survive this long.
That's very fortunate.
Right? Can you believe that luck? I'm trying to.
Wow, this is conclusive.
And yet you don't seem excited.
Well, I'm just a little worried that this is too good to be true.
You think I planted evidence? Look, we all know that Zach is innocent, and that it's not fair that he's locked up, so I can understand why doing something like that might be tempting.
And I'm sorry, but I can't look at evidence that may have been tampered with.
Then toss it.
The radius is 8.
24 inches.
Okay, let's go Bones.
Let's hurry it up here.
We've been standing here waiting for you to do your stuff for, like, 20 minutes.
Important to be thorough, Booth.
What is the temperature of the water in degrees Celsius? Cold.
Cold, freezing cold.
Let's go.
Let's do this.
Okay, we're ready.
Come on, put the stuff down.
Okay, do both husband and wife understand the terms of the agreement? Oh, yes.
The winner gets to teach Christine how to ride the bike their way.
Which will be me because I've just spent the last two days learning the physics of the sport.
And I've been spending the last two days enjoying the sport, huh? Your hair looks beautiful today, I must say.
It's gonna look that much better when it gets all wet.
I hope your lack of scientific strategy results in you losing.
We'll work on that trash talking later, okay.
Are the competitors ready? Ready.
Ready.
On your mark get set roll! Oh.
Whoa, all right, huh? (laughing) Whoa.
What are you doing? Lowering the surface friction.
Oh really? Lower this.
Oh.
Ineffective.
I control the torque.
You don't control the torque, now, huh? Jumping is not a traditional move in this sport.
It's not? You didn't study that one, huh? You didn't, huh? Kind of, caught you off guard? My strategy can accommodate that.
Whoa! Whoa! (loud splash)
This is sick.
Like disgusting sick, not sick sick.
Yo, pull it together, man.
We can't keep letting Cooper get the better of us.
Look what he did to your hair.
You look like a human whoopee cushion.
Now hurry it up.
The garbage truck's gonna be here in, like, 15 minutes.
Oh, man.
Oh, this is gnarly.
Yes.
That is definitely a keeper.
Yeah, imagine the look on the Coop's face when he opens his car and all these guts spill out.
Dude, what do you think this is from? Uh, mountain lion, probably.
Oh, yeah.
(groans) What about this? Cobra.
Gross.
Dude, what about this? (both scream) (whimpering) Get out of here! Go! I'm never riding a bike again.
Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Christine, is everything? Wow, wow, okay.
What happened? Look, I was teaching her how to ride a bike, okay? And she was doing really great.
She was a little wobbly at first, and then I just kind of let her go and then, bam-- hit the ground.
Booth, I-I don't want Christine riding a bicycle until I can properly teach her about the physics.
What physics? What are you talking about, huh? Physics.
You get on, fall off, you figure it out, you get back on.
What physics? Gyroscopic forces, acceleration due to gravity, friction.
"Friction"? Don't you think that it's-it's good to not know how something works? I mean, come on, science takes the magic out of everything.
There's no magic to begin with.
It's just rules that govern the universe.
Next thing you know you're gonna be telling her that rainbows are Light refracted through water? - She already knows that.
- Of course she does.
Now that Christine's had some time to self-soothe, I'm going to go check in on her.
(phone chimes) Oh (phone trills) Oh.
Yeah, all right, well, I guess we're going to work, because there's a body ooh, found in a Dumpster full of animal guts? That's your territory.
It'll be fascinating to see how non-human viscera effects the decomposition of a human corpse.
There goes my appetite.
You'd think after 12 years you could handle a little viscera with your oatmeal.
(indistinct conversations) FUENTES: Three Dumpsters filled with entrails and fluid.
Aren't these bags not supposed to leak? Look.
Cam? No.
No, that would be the liver of a moose.
(whimpers) Damn it! Yeah.
Hey, good try, though, you know? Maybe next time.
Yeah? You want to take my place? I would, but unfortunately they haven't, you know, invented a specialized wheelchair for intestine diving.
Yeah.
SAROYAN: Dr.
Hodgins? Yeah? Have you found time of death? No.
No, not even close.
No, this pool of carcasses is like Christmas to carrion feeders, you know? They hopped around, so it's close to impossible to figure out when or where they started.
Yes! I found a human humerus.
Part of one.
HODGINS: Mm.
Well, based on the head diameter and cortical involution, I'd say the victim is female, mid-40's.
Oh, my God.
This is disgusting.
Do we have the skull? Oh, hey, Rodolfo? Gonna need to find the skull ASAP.
As we all know, skulls don't float, so No.
(whimpering) (deep breath) (coughing, whimpering) Angie, here, techs found this for you at the scene.
What? I'm having too much fun.
I hope you're still having fun when you're in hell.
(giggles) Ten more minutes, okay? FUENTES: Oh! I can smell it through my mask.
This is so disgusting.
(gags) I'll give you five.
(Fuentes gags) Bones 12x06 The Final Chapter: The Flaw in the Saw Original Air Dat Main Title Theme The Crystal Method Oh, what's that? Yes, I did fish every last bone out of the carcass pit.
Are you looking for praise for performing the most basic tasks? I I was just pointing it out.
Do we have any idea about the sock, I guess? Yeah, it's made of chain metal.
It's the only article of clothing I found in the entire Dumpster.
So we're looking for some sort of knight.
Do knights play golf? Look, take a look at the fracture to the hamulus.
It's called a golfer's fracture, I believe.
Dr.
Fuentes is correct.
This fracture is extremely common in golfers.
The result of years of stress on the wrist.
This body just keeps getting weirder by the second.
Uh, it gets even weirder.
In the victim's sinuses alone I pulled out spores from six species of tree from around the world, including Dacrydium cupressinum, which only grows in New Zealand.
So we're looking for a well-traveled knight with a love for America's favorite pastime, golf.
Just a working theory.
AUBREY: You building a bike? I wish.
No, this is how Bones wants me to teach Christine how to ride a bike.
Kind of ruins the fun.
Exactly, right? So, what do you have for me? Yeah, uh, so, Angela sent over the victim's I.
D.
, Phyllis Paul.
She was reported missing on Tuesday by her live-in girlfriend, Nancy Alpert.
Huh.
Phyllis Paul.
College golfer, competed professionally.
Yeah, but she never came close to winning a competition.
For the past ten years she taught private golf lessons.
I sent you her Web site.
Oh, thanks, Aubrey.
All right, well, I tell you what, let's, uh, bring her girlfriend in.
We can, uh, talk to her.
"Trail equals wheel radius times cosine of head angle minus rake"? What is this? It's-it's a disaster.
It's a mess.
I know that this is difficult, Ms.
Alpert, but can you tell me the last time that you saw Phyllis? Tuesday morning.
She left for the second day of her competition and she never came home that night.
Okay, she was in a golf tournament? No.
(clears throat) Lumberjacking.
"Lumberjacking"? Right, okay.
And, uh, this was a hobby of Phyllis' or? I wish it were just a hobby.
She'd found her calling as a lumberjill, or whatever they're called.
Six months in these silly competitions and she'd won more titles than 20 years of golfing.
I'm getting the sense that you were not a fan.
It was a waste of time.
Why? She was winning money.
I had more than enough for the both of us.
We were gonna retire together, travel, take cooking classes get married.
It must have upset you when she took her life in a new direction.
I'm sorry, if you're insinuating that I would ever hurt Phyllis, then you're mistaken.
I've been in love with her since she gave me my very first golf lesson.
Any idea who might have wanted Phyllis dead? Probably one of those lumberjackers.
Just last month they threw a golf club through our window.
How do you know it was a lumberjacker? 'Cause there was a note attached.
"Stick to golfing, you" Well, I'd rather not say the word.
You can read it yourself.
I gave it to the police.
(clears her throat) There's something you wanted to show me? Si, Si, Si.
I found significant fracturing of the hyoid.
We will have to analyze it to determine if it indicates cause of death.
In addition, I was looking at the striae where the victim was cut apart.
Now, the tool that was used made this wave pattern.
What do you make of it? Well, at first I wasn't sure, but then I heard that the victim was a lumberjack.
So I thought, "Rodolfo (speaks Spanish) Uh, chain saw.
I concur.
A chain saw's teeth are J-shaped and make this type of wave-like kerf mark.
The victim was dismembered with a chain saw and she was wearing those chain metal socks at time of her death, which I learned are used for protecting the lumberjack from a wild swing of the ax.
The victim was killed mid-competition.
So someone is going to have to go to the lumberjacking contest.
Booth and I will go, yeah.
Oh, hey, hey, Dr.
Brennan If you'd like to spend a little more time in the lab, I'm willing to go in your place.
Shh.
It's a small sacrifice for my favorite boss.
I sense that you are being disingenuous and that you just want to go to the competition.
Okay, fine, yes, I want to go.
But come on, what guy wouldn't? All men love chain saws.
That is not a proven fact.
Yes, it is.
Greg.
How do you feel about chain saws? I love chain saws.
Boom.
Okay, while Greg is an adequate security guard, he's not a sufficient sample size to extrapolate the preferences of an entire gender.
Booth and I are going to the competition.
Please clean and rearticulate the bones.
Take pictures.
Oh sure, I'll-I'll Chatsnap it.
This is quite impressive.
Well, no, no, no, it's not impressive.
I think the word that you're looking for is badass, all right? This is a major sport, Bones.
It's huge, and less face it, it's way more exciting than golf.
I imagine the muscle groups used to swing an ax are the same as those used to swing a golfing stick.
Four years of playing golf and you're still calling it a golfing stick.
It's a stick used to golf.
How is that not accurate? My point is that both golfing and lumberjacking are just applied physics.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You d Don't try to ruin this for me like you're ruining bike riding for Christine.
But everything's mathematics.
Sports, architecture, comedy.
Comedy is not math.
Yes, it is.
By vectoring the English language, I can make a multitude of hilarious jokes.
Please don't.
No.
For example, what did the math teacher say to the lumberjack? Don't care.
(chuckles) Make sure you use the correct "log-arithm.
" Hmm? It's all just simple "geome-tree.
" Tree.
Like, a tree, 'cause it's a log.
It comes from a tree.
It's a play on words.
Turn up And make it something to believe in You know you got to turn up To make the heart go Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa I said you got to turn up And put your hands Where I can see them You know you go to turn Up! To keep 'em begging for More, more, more, more More, more, more I set my soul on fire (indistinct male voice over PA) All for you, my love, and If you want it, baby, you can have it all Oh! But then you better turn up BRENNAN: Every person I see is carrying at least six lethal implements.
Excuse me.
Are you in charge here? Yeah, Dick Scarn.
FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth.
This here is my partner, Dr.
Temperance Brennan.
Okay.
How can I help you? Well, I'm sorry to report that one of your lumberjills has been murdered.
Murdered? Who? Phyllis Paul.
Oh.
Well, too bad.
MAN (over P.
A.
): Ladies and gentlemen Would you mind if we ask you a few questions? Well, they need me at the main stage, but, uh, you-you can walk with me.
Okay.
What happened to your femur? Uh, chain saw snapped.
I got boned.
"Bone" is not a verb.
I got a bone.
What bone? No.
A "bone" is a hard piece of wood, Bones.
- Wait.
Who's Bones? - She's Bones.
- I'm Bones.
- Oh - Oh, I thought she was Brennan.
Booth, this is exactly why you shouldn't call me "Bones.
" Right, because, you know what? This happens all the time.
When was the last time you saw Phyllis? Uh tree climb on Tuesday.
She was in that competition, and she hasn't showed up for anything since.
She was pretty good at these events, huh? Oh, yeah.
Are you kidding? When she came on the scene, she outclassed the competition.
BOOTH: Anyone in particular that she dethroned? Yeah.
Helga Thisk.
Where can we find Helga? MAN (over P.
A.
): On the hot zone, ladies and gentlemen Right over there.
we got Helga Thisk.
Go get 'em, girl.
(applause and cheering) Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, Bones.
Bones, let's just wait.
Wait.
Just wait until she puts down that big chain saw before we accuse her of murder, okay? (chain saw buzzing) (applause and cheering) MAN: All right! (applause, cheering and whooping) BOOTH: Okay, we can go now.
Come on.
BOOTH: Okay, uh, Ms.
Thisk, can you please put that ax down? You're sure Phyllis is dead? Yes, her body was dismembered, and is currently decomposing.
BOOTH: Helga, I took a look at your competition history with Phyllis.
Outsider coming in, taking over the top lumberjill spot.
That's got to be tough for you.
It's just a game, Agent Booth.
Oh, come on.
Let's lose that "It's just a game," okay? There's a lot of money to be made here.
Right? There's tons of sponsors.
BRENNAN: You would remove anyone who got in your way.
BOOTH: Mm-hmm.
What? You think I killed Phyllis? Why would I kill her? We were training partners.
She was giving me all her secrets.
What secrets? Just some math stuff that she'd use to calculate each chop, like they do it in golf.
As they should do it in every athletic endeavor.
Measuring angles and diameters forever before she even took her first swing.
BOOTH: Helga, can you think of anyone who'd want to hurt Phyllis? Probably the crazy fans.
They hated her.
They said she was making the sport dull with all her measuring.
Don't blame 'em.
MAN: Helgy! I've been looking everywhere for you.
I'm sorry.
This is my husband Ragnar.
Ragnar, these people are from the FBI.
Phyllis was murdered.
Wow! I mean, I didn't take Phyllis for the getting-murdered type.
It's a shame.
You don't seem too upset.
Oh, no.
I'll say a "yoho" for her later.
For now, we got a competition to think of.
We've got to head over to the stage for the Jack and Jill.
BOOTH: Whoa.
Wait a second.
A two-man saw? Bones, we got to see it.
It's a fan favorite.
Booth, we're in the middle of a murder investigation.
Yes, and the fans are our possible suspects here, so, what kind of detectives would we be if we didn't check out the most popular event? Hey, how's it going up here? (sighs) The day started out well.
I analyzed the hyoid further, found fracturing on the greater cornua, which means that the cause of death was most likely strangulation.
Nice.
No, no.
Not nice.
I spent the last few hours scraping tiny pieces of solid matter out of the bone that got lodged into the striae during dismemberment.
This is the slowest process.
I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but hey, hey, hey, this could actually help me determine where the victim was cut up.
Also, I analyzed the nine-iron that was thrown through the victim's window, and I think I may have found traces of permethrin and piperonyl butoxide.
Pesticides.
Professional grade.
We may be looking for an exterminator.
Well SAROYAN: How's it going up there? Let's ask her.
Um, yeah, you go ahead and do that.
I'm actually working on my own thing.
What? Is your own thing more important than chain saws? - Yeah, I-I got to go.
Hey, Cam.
- Dr.
Hodgins?! Dr.
Hodgins! Dr.
Saroyan.
Yes.
As you know, uh, Dr.
Brennan and I came to the conclusion that the victim was dismembered with a chain saw.
Yes.
I have since learned that each competitor at the Lumber Sports Competition has his or her own unique chain saw.
Therefore, I believe it is absolutely necessary to the case to subpoena each chain saw so that I may test them to match the resulting striations to the striations on the victim's bones, thus enabling me to determine whose chain saw was used to dismember the body.
So you want to play with chain saws? Play with chains No.
I don't even like chain saws.
No.
Believe me, if there is another way to find the correct chain saw, I'll do it.
Really? 'Cause I was actually gonna say, I think testing chain saws is an excellent idea.
(beeping) Really? But since you'd prefer to do it a different way No, no.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
The Lumber Sports saved this sliced wood from Monday's chain saw competition, and-- it's a real treat-- they're even labeled with each competitor's name.
Great.
So why don't you compare the striations on the bones to those on this wood? Good.
That way you don't have to worry about testing those chain saws yourself.
Mm-hmm.
Since you didn't want to do it anyway.
Yay.
Hey, Angie.
Hey, um, I'm looking at this photo you just sent, but I am so confused.
It's labeled "crime scene," but we don't even know where this murder took place.
Yeah, um, that's because, uh it's from a different murder, not this case.
MONTENEGRO: Oh, my God.
Wait a second.
I remember this.
This is from, uh, the lobbyist's murder, the one that Zack committed.
Confessed to, not committed.
Are-are are you trying to prove that? What can I do to help? (clears his throat) Okay, um, I think I may have found a way to prove that the killer wasn't Zack based on the severity of the stabbing.
Here.
See, look.
There's too much blood.
I mean, if Zack were to stab someone, which (scoffs) But still, uh, he'd do it as cleanly as possible.
Yeah, I-I just don't know if this is enough to overturn a conviction.
It's a start.
Yeah, it is.
Can I show you something from the current case? Yeah.
What's up? Okay.
So when Helga said that fans hated Phyllis, I went online, and I found this.
"North East Lumber Sports Fans are the Bombest Fans.
" Wow.
This Gene Frong guy is really die-hard.
Yeah, and he hated Phyllis.
He thought that she was ruining the sport.
Check this out.
What's up, everybody? Gene Frong in the house.
Right behind me here is Phyllis Paul.
She's measuring her log, and like always, she's taking her sweet time.
(yelling): Hey! Hey, Phyllis?! What's taking you so long? Yeah, we're bored.
- Hurry it up.
Hey.
- I got to say, it is kind of boring.
GENE: (chanting): Phyllis sucks! PEOPLE: Phyllis sucks! Phyllis sucks! That's right.
Hit her in the face! (chanting continues) Hit her in the face! Phyllis sucks! (laughs) They're doing it.
MONTENEGRO: I did some digging.
Gene works for his dad's extermination company.
Angie, I think you just found our nine-iron thrower.
BOOTH: Look, Bones, if I were an 18-year-old punk, where would I be? Where the beer is.
Come on.
I was a teenager once, Booth, and I observed that my peers enjoyed the consumption of inexpensive alcohol.
Now, this is what I'm talking about-- good old-fashioned log roll.
MEN: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Oh! BOOTH: Hey, excuse me.
Ah! Whew! That's two.
Let's go.
Excuse me.
Gene Frong, need a word with you over here, please? I'm 21, I swear! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (panting) (grunts) Hey! (groans) Oh.
Sorry.
WOMAN: Oh.
Hey! (man grunts) Oh.
Sorry.
(panting) Oh, come on, you got to be kidding me.
- Will you get down now?! - I'll stay up here all day.
Well, he can't stay there forever.
Oh, Bones, we don't have enough time here.
We don't.
Let's go.
Relax! Booth! Booth! Booth! Stop! No.
Successful axmanship requires mathematic calculation.
You got to be kidding me.
First, we find the radius of the log and divide it by 1.
25.
(crowd booing) - Come on.
- Then Okay, just take a step a back.
- Take a step back.
- We plot the angle of attack.
Enough is enough here with this.
(cheering) MAN: That's right! Good chop! (indistinct chatter, applause and cheering) Okay, okay, okay, I'm coming down.
Shh.
Put it down! Put it down! You see that, Bones, huh? Don't need science to take care of this guy.
Let's go.
BRENNAN: Hey, Cam.
What's up? Hey, based on what Rodolfo found on the hyoid, I examined the tissue around the victim's neck and found hydrogenated triglycerides.
That's vegetable shortening.
What was it doing around her neck? The murderer's hands must have been covered in it.
Well, the grease-to-person ratio at this event is exceptionally high, but I'll do my best to keep an eye out for users of triglycerides.
BOOTH: Look, I think when Phyllis didn't listen to your request to stick to golf, you decided to kick it up a couple notches.
What?! No.
I loved Phyllis.
Well, I don't tend to throw golfing sticks through the windows of people that I love.
Golf clubs.
They're not sticks.
Same thing.
Yeah, okay.
Maybe that was a little too crazy, but I would I would never kill Phyllis.
She was too much fun to have around.
Yeah.
At first, the whole measuring thing sucked, but (laughs) a bunch of us would start going to her events just to yell at her, and that was a lot of fun.
The flapjack guy even sold special pancakes just to throw at her.
Cam said that the killer's hands were covered in shortening.
BOOTH: Gene, did the flapjack guy have anything against Phyllis? (laughing): Yeah, they had a hilarious feud going on.
What kind of feud? Well, uh, at first, she said that his coffee tasted like dirt, so then he put a spider in her mug.
And that's when she let all the air out in his tires, and that's when he started selling the "Fling a Flap at Phyllis" special.
I think we need to talk to him.
Okay.
Um, can I can I go now? I have to pee really, really bad.
That's due to the fact that you consumed 24 ounces of beer.
Fluid is filling your bladder, applying pressure to stretch receptors, which signal your urethra.
Lady, you're not making this any easier for me.
Does that help? (indistinct chatter) Get two orders right here, this one.
Oh, my God.
Family recipe, passed down from Flap to Flap for generations.
So, I understand you had a bit of a feud going with Phyllis Paul.
Oh, it wasn't that bad.
Really? I beg to differ-- it says here that after the pancake tossing, Phyllis reported your truck to the health department.
That was just Phyllis being Phyllis.
She wasn't the nicest Jill at the jamboree.
But after a failed inspection, you had to buy a brand-new truck.
Planning on it.
Yeah, it was time to retire that rusty old clunker anyway.
Listen, Jack, we found traces of vegetable shortening on Phyllis's neck.
How do you explain that? (scoffs) Vegetable shortening.
What do you think I am? I cook with butter, that I make from scratch.
I should have caught that.
Hold on a second here.
No, there's a, uh, complexity of the flavor, no aftertaste.
That's definitely butter.
Why am I getting a hint of a like, a smoked meat? Bits of bacon in the batter.
I cure it myself.
Adds a hint of umami, which balances out the sweetness.
That's beautiful.
(quietly): It's a Flap family secret.
So, what about Phyllis? Anything strange going on with her lately? Eh, Phyllis kept to herself.
Brought her own "healthy" food in those little Tupperware containers.
Yeah, I know the type.
Yeah.
In fact, last Tuesday's the first time I ever saw that gal eating carbohydrate.
Wait, did you say last Tuesday? (chuckles): Yeah.
Still obnoxious as ever, jabbering away on the phone the whole time, but oh, boy, she made her way through a Jiant Jack Stack faster than I can flip a flap.
(exhales) Thanks, Jack.
Ooh.
Can I take my Jiant Jack Stack to go? You better.
Dr.
Fuentes, have you found a wood slab that matches the striations? Not yet.
I was looking at the hyoid and the surrounding area to determine cause of death.
I found something interesting on the C4 vertebra.
Crushing fracture on the anterior surface.
The fracturing is too extensive to have been caused by human hands.
Whatever implement was used squished its way into the tissue of the neck and made contact with the front of the vertebra.
There's a substantial amount of muscle in the neck, so whatever implement was used must have been extremely strong.
My guess is a pliable metal.
But why would the murderer cover it in vegetable shortening? Hey, so, I got something really interesting for you.
What is it, Aubrey? So, the day that Phyllis died, she ate pancakes.
Okay, you know what? I got to go.
Wait-wait.
Booth, Booth, look.
You know that Phyllis was an intense competitor who ate clean, right? Look, there's got to be a reason that Phyllis bought a stack of pancakes from a guy that she hated.
My guess is she was stressed.
All right, let's just think about it.
When an athlete gets stressed, you know, their their scores, they go down.
What do you say we just go check out the tournament Web site and look at her scores? That's good thinking.
Wait a second.
That doesn't add up.
Well, she was winning, but not as much as her past competitions-- you might be right.
Phyllis was off.
Huh? Come on! I'm, like, a forensic food-ologist.
(phone beeps) Hello? Hey, Angie? I just ran the solid matter that Rodolfo found in the chain saw striations through the mass spec.
Did it give you any indication of where Phyllis' body was dismembered? Well, I found Aphanomyces laevis, Lasiodiplodia theobromae, and Phialocephala virens.
They're plant fungi.
But they feed on plants from completely different climates.
I'm talking, like, where where does a cactus grow next to a water lily? In a plant nursery? Oh, yeah, right.
Huh.
Sometimes I forget these things exist outside of nature.
(chuckles) Well, I can run a search for all the nurseries in the area of the lumberjack tournament.
Yeah.
Um, by the way, I think I found something on the lobbyist's rib.
Didn't Brennan already analyze the lobbyist's bones? She missed something.
Brennan missed something? On a bone? Inside one of the wound tracts I found what could be the killer's microbial signature.
It's a combination of all the particles every human emits.
It can be used to distinguish between individuals.
Yeah, I've-I've heard of that, but there are variables.
I don't think that's ever actually held up in court.
First time for everything.
Yeah.
(computer beeping) Okay, uh, so these are the nurseries located within a five-mile radius of the tournament.
It looks like they're all in a densely populated area.
Yeah, there's no way the killer could have dismembered the victim with a chain saw at any of these places without someone hearing.
Angie, what about any nurseries in the area that closed? I mean, a bunch of untended plants-- that would explain the amount of fungus I found.
Yeah.
(computer beeps) Bonnie's Garden.
Huh.
It was closed a year ago.
And it's located a half mile from the tournament.
There's blood here.
And a lot of it.
This is definitely where our victim was dismembered.
Yeah, a remote area, drainage It's pretty clever.
Guys, look.
This pot is singed along the rim.
SAROYAN: Someone tried to burn the victim's clothing? Definitely.
And the other sock.
Wait a minute.
What is this? It's a flipline.
It's a steel cable that lumberjacks use to scale the pole in the tree climb event.
Belonged to our victim.
You think this could be the murder weapon? It definitely fits the parameters.
HODGINS: Hold on a second.
I can tell you for sure.
Can you hold that out? Yep.
Lipids.
This flipline is covered in fat.
Hey, ten to one, it's vegetable shortening.
Well, if so, we've got our murder weapon.
HODGINS: Yes! King of the plant graveyard.
SAROYAN: I still don't understand why'd you put shortening on a flipline.
Well, a slippery flipline would make it nearly impossible to scale the pole.
So sabotage.
That explains her lower scores.
But Phyllis was still winning.
So maybe this saboteur just got impatient, killed her instead.
No, no.
No, no.
Bones, what are you doing? Proving to you that lumberjacking is physics.
I am sure that it is, but I told you, I don't want to know.
Don't you wonder how the world functions? You know what, Bones? Some things in life, they need to be a mystery, okay? Like the Internet.
Why planes fly.
Farts.
Transfer protocol, manipulation of air pressure, vibrations of the anal-- Nah! Don't need to know that (phone rings) right now, okay? What is this? Th-This is silly! Hi, Cam.
Go ahead.
I found epithelial cells on the flipline, so I ran the DNA and got a hit from the Maryland Volunteer Fireman Database.
Well, who is it? Ragnar Thisk.
Helga's husband? Well, looks like the husband wanted to get a leg up for the wife.
Tell you what, hey you up for, uh, another visit to the lumberjack show? Huh? And we're not taking these.
HELGA: Sabotaging Phyllis? Never.
This sport is about community.
BOOTH: Well, come on, there's lots of sponsors.
There's a lot of money at risk.
And you were the loser.
This woman is not a loser.
I'm merely stating a fact.
She lost, ergo she is a loser.
BOOTH: Ragnar, you're very protective of your wife there.
I bet you would do anything to see her win.
Maybe even commit murder? No! Then why did we find your DNA on Phyllis's flipline, the implement used to murder her? (sighs) Okay.
I greased the flipline.
I was trying to sabotage Phyllis, but I didn't kill her, okay? Rag, how could you do that? I could see how hard you were working.
All those late nights spent practicing with Phyllis.
Ragnar, please.
Sometimes you didn't even get home till morning.
Come on, now, I wasn't working that hard.
Oh don't be humble.
What about all those weekend lumberjacking trips you and Phyllis were always going on? She'd come home completely wiped.
Phyllis's training must have really tuckered her out.
Mr.
Thisk, can you please step outside? Thank you.
(chain saws humming outside) (door closes) Okay, Phyllis and I were sleeping together.
We were gonna leave Nancy and Ragnar and get married.
We even got fitted for rings last week.
(crying): And now she's gone.
There there, there.
What does "there, there" mean? It's okay.
(sobbing) It's supposed to comfort her.
Maybe try the bear.
Let's give her some time, please.
Do you want a bear? Stop.
Give her the bear.
Helga.
Please.
Hey.
What's up? I need you to swab something for me.
I've been looking at the striations on the bone.
I found kerf marks on the right femur.
Now, they appear to have been made by an ax, and they were made prior to the chain saw damage.
Wait a minute.
You think someone attempted to chop up the body with an ax first? Exactly.
But if a lumberjack took a swing on the bone, he or she would have been strong enough to do more damage than this.
In addition, none of the slabs of wood that Cam gave us match the striations.
So if we're not looking for a lumberjack We're not looking for a lumberjack's chain saw.
The killer could have used any make or model of chain saw in the world.
How will we ever figure out which one it is? (clears throat) (sniffs) (chain saws roaring) (chain saws turn off) BOTH: It was his idea.
Look, I don't care whose idea this was.
Someone tell me what's going on.
Okay.
I'll explain, I guess.
Based on a multitude of evidence, Hodgins and I came to the conclusion that the killer's not a lumberjack.
So we're not looking for a lumberjack's chain saw, we're looking for a regular consumer chain saw.
(takes deep breath): So we're testing all of them.
And what exactly is the plan here? Look, Cam, if we can find the make and model of the chain saw that was used, we may be able to match it to a chain saw owned by one of the remaining non-lumberjack suspects.
Unfortunately, there's a small grain of intelligence in that theory.
FUENTES: So we can keep going? Just get it over with.
Yeah! (laughs) So it looks like Phyllis' girlfriend, Nancy, is our prime suspect.
I mean, she definitely has motive.
And the force profile indicates that the killer is not a lumberjack.
Well, Aubrey, you know, went and checked out her house, no one was there.
And he's also checking out the country club.
Booth, is that? You can't hide from me, you lumber slut.
Nancy! Nancy Albert, hold on.
Oh.
BOOTH: Easy.
Okay.
(grunts and groans) Wow! Okay, look at that, huh? (whoops) Talk about a good Seth Joyner takedown.
All right, that's it.
Turn around.
Let's go.
Let's go.
I hate to tell you, but you are under arrest.
Up.
Nancy, I hear you've got quite the temper? I'm sorry, wouldn't you if you just found out your girlfriend was in love with someone else? It might lead someone to murder.
I didn't kill her.
I just found out about it this morning.
This morning? From whom? I got a call from our jeweler.
He asked if the ring fit.
I never received any ring.
How do you know that Phyllis wasn't planning on giving you a ring before she died? He said she'd had it resized to a nine.
I'm a five and a half.
It was obviously meant for that ogre.
So you knew about Helga? I suspected.
Yeah, but this just confirmed it.
You don't buy a four-carat diamond for a friend.
(whistles) Four carats.
That's a very expensive ring.
You know if Helga actually got it? Well, good luck finding it if she did.
It probably looks like a speck of dust on those sausage fingers of hers.
The hard sell again.
(clears her throat) (chain saw buzzing) Hey, Hodgins, these striations still don't match.
(chain saw stops) Why are you yelling? Well Just grab another saw.
Well, I'm going to test this one for a third time, just to be sure.
Okay.
(alarms blaring) Whoa! Oh! Sorry.
Hey, no worries, no worries.
All good.
It was getting a little loud in here so I rigged this up so that I'd actually be able to know when the mass spec was finished.
Ah, genius.
Right? Yeah.
Let's see what we got here.
So it looks like we do have the results from the particulates in the axe wound.
Okay.
Glucose, sucrose, sodium nitrate, lipids Hold on a second.
This all looks like a combination of sugar, syrup, and pig fat.
- Why would you have sugar on an axe? - Yeah.
That's more like a kitchen implement.
Hey, Jack Flap told Aubrey he cures his own bacon.
A meat cleaver would create a marking with a similar profile to that of an axe head.
Let's cleanup, check the bones again.
Yeah.
Okay.
Good-bye, precioso.
AUBREY: So I'm holding Nancy, but I just don't think she'd have it in here to dismember Phyllis' body.
So I looked into our one suspect with the money motive, Jack Flap is about to default on a $30,000 loan that he took out to pay for that new truck.
- He paid if off two days ago.
- Okay.
So he sold off the ring and he used that money to pay off the loan.
If not, that would be one giant jack stack of a coincidence.
FUENTES: These marks could just as easily be from a meat cleaver.
HODGINS: Yeah, but anyone with a kitchen could have a meat cleaver.
Well, wait a second, what is this? HODGINS: What is it? A scratch on the posterior surface of the femur.
Considering the width, it seems to be from a chain saw, but it's so faint.
Could it be a hesitation mark? Chain saws are so powerful even just by touching the bone it would cause more damage than this.
Well, all the more reason to get back to those chain saws.
Mmm.
If we could figure out what type was used this injury might actually make sense.
The scratch on the femur is confounding.
The width and the unique damage pattern indicate that it was made with a chain saw, but a tool with that much power would cause more damage.
Okay, let's see if we can find the scenario that works.
Okay, what if the killer only lightly touched the bone with the chain saw? No.
A moving chain saw creates an incision that's deeper than the one we found.
What if the chain saw wasn't on? Okay.
No.
The mark on the femur indicates that the chain was moving.
So it's not from a chain saw that was on, and it's not from a chain saw that was off, but we know it's from a chain saw.
Hopefully that's the last time I say chain saw today.
Well, the chain was moving, but the saw was off.
It's almost as if the chain wrapped itself around the circumference of the bone.
(screaming) FUENTES: Stop it.
That's not good.
HODGINS: Let me just see.
Stop it.
Let me just let me see.
No, don't touch it because then everybody Ugh.
Oh, my God.
- Is everything okay? - I'm fine.
Everything is fine.
- Okay, can you move your toes? - Uh-huh.
Good, now I can kill you.
What-- for what? For this little scratch? What happened? He was testing that saw and then hit a hard spot.
Ah! A bone of sorts.
Yes, anyway, the-the chain snapped, it whipped around the log, and then it clipped him.
Ouch.
Well, no, no, no, no.
No ouch, no.
I mean, it barely even hurts.
This is it.
This is what? This must be what happened to the victim's femur.
The scratch Rodolfo found was from a chain saw chain.
It snapped off the holder and therefore wasn't going fast enough to penetrate the bone.
So if the chain saw snapped Then the killer must have a similar injury to Rodolfo.
It's not an injury.
Good work, Dr.
Fuentes.
Any time.
Okay.
Well, I'm going to look for hospital records.
(groans) Oh, Aye dios mio, y la virgin santo.
I didn't do anything.
No, you just stole Phyllis' diamond ring so you could pay off your loan, right? But she caught you, and in doing so you killed her, and you still sold it off.
You can't prove that.
Oh, but we can prove that you chopped up her body.
Why did you check in to the emergency room last Tuesday night? I, uh cut myself with a kitchen knife.
Had to get a few stitches.
Your shin's a strange place to cut yourself with a kitchen knife? Who said it was on my sh Checked out your hospital records.
I wouldn't describe 22 stitches as a-a "few.
" That cut is from a chain saw.
Almost certainly from the one you used to dismember Phyllis' body.
Our lab is tearing apart your truck right now.
It's only a matter of time before we find Phyllis' DNA, so why don't you come clean? We were joking around doing stupid pranks, and she took it too far.
She took my truck.
The truck was all I had.
Okay, so-so you sold off her engagement ring to get back at her? I heard her gabbing on her phone to her jeweler.
I just knew if I could get that ring it was my chance to pay off my debt.
She owed me.
But Phyllis caught you? She was going to turn me into the cops after everything she'd done.
I'm not sorry.
Without my truck, my life was over anyway.
Cam, you got a minute? Of course.
So I wanted to wait until the case was over to tell you.
I found proof that Zach didn't kill the lobbyist.
Okay.
I'm not gonna ask when you found time to do this, but what did you find? I was looking at the lobbyist's rib.
I was with Dr.
Brennan when she analyzed that; she found nothing.
Within one of the stab wounds, I found the microbial signature of the killer and it is not a match for Zach.
But the chances of a microbial signature surviving this long are infinitesimal.
Yeah, it had Anthrax in it, which is the only bacteria that can survive this long.
That's very fortunate.
Right? Can you believe that luck? I'm trying to.
Wow, this is conclusive.
And yet you don't seem excited.
Well, I'm just a little worried that this is too good to be true.
You think I planted evidence? Look, we all know that Zach is innocent, and that it's not fair that he's locked up, so I can understand why doing something like that might be tempting.
And I'm sorry, but I can't look at evidence that may have been tampered with.
Then toss it.
The radius is 8.
24 inches.
Okay, let's go Bones.
Let's hurry it up here.
We've been standing here waiting for you to do your stuff for, like, 20 minutes.
Important to be thorough, Booth.
What is the temperature of the water in degrees Celsius? Cold.
Cold, freezing cold.
Let's go.
Let's do this.
Okay, we're ready.
Come on, put the stuff down.
Okay, do both husband and wife understand the terms of the agreement? Oh, yes.
The winner gets to teach Christine how to ride the bike their way.
Which will be me because I've just spent the last two days learning the physics of the sport.
And I've been spending the last two days enjoying the sport, huh? Your hair looks beautiful today, I must say.
It's gonna look that much better when it gets all wet.
I hope your lack of scientific strategy results in you losing.
We'll work on that trash talking later, okay.
Are the competitors ready? Ready.
Ready.
On your mark get set roll! Oh.
Whoa, all right, huh? (laughing) Whoa.
What are you doing? Lowering the surface friction.
Oh really? Lower this.
Oh.
Ineffective.
I control the torque.
You don't control the torque, now, huh? Jumping is not a traditional move in this sport.
It's not? You didn't study that one, huh? You didn't, huh? Kind of, caught you off guard? My strategy can accommodate that.
Whoa! Whoa! (loud splash)