The Simpsons s12e06 Episode Script

[Chorus.]
#The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing.]
[Whistle Blowing.]
[Beeping.]
[Jazzy Solo.]
[Beeping.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
[Rattling.]
Hey, open up! I've been standing here all morning! Hey, Homer.
What are you doing at work? The plant's closed for fumigation.
- ## [Humming.]
- [Hissing.]
Uh-oh.
[Whimpering.]
[Groans.]
No one told me the plant was closed.
- Didn't you get the e-mail? - What's an e-mail? It's a computer thing- Like an electric letter.
Or a quiet phone call.
- I don't have a computer.
- [Chuckles.]
Too bad.
That's why you're at work while we're living it up on our day off.
Hey, Carl, turn up the car radio.
Why not? Anything goes today.
## [Radio: Big Band.]
That does it! I'm getting a computer- As soon as somebody lets me out of here.
[Rattling.]
Oh.
[Laughing.]
I'm so stupid.
Uh, I guess I'll take that one.
Hmm.
Well, do you need a paperweight? Because if you buy that machine, that's all you're gonna have, is an expensive paperweight.
Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer.
- How about that one? - Mm-hmm.
That technology is three months old.
Only suckers buy out-of-date machines.
Uh, you're not a sucker, are you, sir? - Heavens, no! - Oh, good.
Because if you were, I'd have to ask you to leave the store.
I just need something to receive e-mail.
[Whistles.]
You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that.
That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
- I was an astronaut.
- Of course you were.
Hmm.
[Slurping.]
Five thousand dollars? You only have 10 seconds to decide, sir.
[Whimpering.]
This is the best computer in the world and always will be, right? Absolutely.
Just run the deed to your house through here.
- [Recorded Voice #1.]
You are on your- - [Voice #2.]
Fifth.
- [Voice #1.]
mortgage.
- [Chuckles.]
Hey, Lisa, check out my new computer.
Dad, you shouldn't drag that around.
[Laughs.]
That's right.
Top of the line.
[Groans.]
Stupid pothole.
Don't worry, head.
The computer will do our thinking now.
Oh, yeah.
Perfect.
Now, then- Computer, kill Flanders.
Did I hear my name? My ears are burning.
[Whispering.]
Good start.
Now finish the job.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, you're busy.
Catch you later, "computator.
" Oh, $5,000 for a computer, and it can't handle a simple assignment.
[Grunts, Groans.]
Dad, I'll set up your computer.
Why don't you and Bart go play in the backyard? - You're it! - [Both Laughing.]
[Homer.]
Hey! Why, you little- - [Typing.]
- Okay, you're ready to go.
- [Beeps.]
- I've written down the basic commands so that anyone can understand them.
- Hmm.
- [Marge.]
Homer, bring that back in the house.
[Homer.]
Fine.
[Beeping.]
- ## [Upbeat Tune.]
- Ooh, a dancing Jesus.
[Scatting.]
If there's a better use for the Internet, I haven't found it.
If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click "yes.
" - Otherwise click "No.
" - [Beeps.]
You have chosen "No," meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess.
- [Siren Wailing.]
- A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.
- Hey! - While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous.
- [Beeps.]
- Here it is, everybody- The world's greatest Web site.
- Hello! Hello! Hello! - [Ringing.]
You'd think all the noises would be annoying, but they're not.
- I got suspended from school today.
- No kiddin'? What do you think of my page, Lisa? Be honest.
It's great, isn't it? Go ahead and say it's great if you want to.
They found a switchblade in my locker.
Well, a Web page is supposed to be a personal thing.
You've just stolen copyrighted material from everyone else.
- They could sue you for that.
- I took a swing at a cop.
They can't sue me if they don't know who I am.
I'll just call myself"Mr.
X.
" - [Beeps.]
- I'm just mad all the time.
Yep, you can't go wrong with Mr.
X.
Mom wants you to come to bed.
I can't.
My Web page hasn't gotten a single hit.
- [Clashing Noises.]
- Come on.
You have to offer people something- Ajoke, an opinion, an idea.
That lousy pothole! Why don't they fix it? I heard Mayor Quimby spent the street repair fund on a secret swimming pool for himself.
- Get out.
Who told you that? - Nelson.
Hmm.
That's the kind of dirt that belongs on my Web page.
You can't post that on the Internet.
- You don't know if it's true.
- Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey.
Nelson is gold.
- You know, it might have been Jimbo.
- Beautiful! - We have confirmation.
- [Groans.]
Hmm.
Let's see here.
"X-rated Girls"-Already book marked.
"Dial 'X ' for Sex.
" "Mr.
X.
" Hmm.
Shall I cross the final frontier? [Chomps.]
[Beeping.]
- What's this? - [Beeps.]
"Stolen funds.
Pothole money used for swimming pool"? There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling! Our mayor is corrupt? Well, Mr.
X has done this town a great service- despite his poor grammar and spelling.
- [Agnes.]
Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies? - No, Mother.
- You sissy! - [Groans.]
What's all this about a secret swimming pool? [Stammering.]
What secret swimming pool is that? Hey, let's look behind that door! - Aaah! - [Quimby.]
Uh, don't go in there! [All Gasp.]
[Woman, Giggling.]
Oh, that's delicious.
Can I have more? - [Chattering, Laughing.]
- Good Lord! We've discovered the ruins of an ancient city.
Okay, you do better.
I did it! I changed the world.
Now I know exactly how God feels.
Do you want turkey sausage or ham? Bring me two of every animal.
[Mews.]
A new Internet watchdog is creating a stir in Springfield.
Mr.
X, if that is his real name, has come up with a sensational scoop.
- Darn tootin'.
- But we must never forget that the real news is on local TV delivered by real, officially licensed newsmen like me, Kent Brockman.
Coming up: How do they get those dogs to talk on the beer commercials? Cowboy Steve will tell you.
I'm happy you got the potholes filled but it's still irresponsible to present rumors as facts.
Maybe you should quit while you're ahead.
No way.
Mr.
X is gonna keep on diggin' and probin' until every person in this town is in jail.
- [Crunches.]
- Aaah! A coconut bagel? Like poison it tastes! All right, I'll tell you a secret.
My bagels are nothing but week-old doughnuts.
Oh, who am I to point the finger? I once ran over a guy in a parking lot and dumped the body on a golf course.
What a bombshell! [Wiggum.]
In the interest of public safety we have confiscated every doughnut bagel, cruller and bear claw in the city- - And some coffee.
- [Slurps.]
- This morning Mr.
X reported that your own department- - I know, I know.
But I assure you, the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them anymore.
What about using the electric chair to cook chicken? Yeah, all right, this press conference is over.
- No, wait.
I have- - No, it's over, Phil.
- But Police Chief Wig- - It's over.
According to my uncle Miss Springfield isn't as beautiful as she seems.
Word is, she uses appearance-altering cosmetics.
- Oh, my God.
That's shocking.
- I don't believe that.
The public should be warned.
I wish Mr.
X were here.
Oh, I don't know, Carl.
He might be closer than you think.
- Are you him? Are you Mr.
X? - No.
But you talked in that real sly voice.
Hey, hey, everybody! Homer's Mr.
X! I am not! Or am I? - Are you? - No! Well, if Mr.
X were here right now, I'd buy him a tall frosty.
- Hey, Moe, can you keep a secret? - No.
- Not even a little one? - No! - What if I just whisper it! - No, I tells ya! [Groans.]
I've been sittin' on the toilet - #All the livelong day ## - [Door Opens.]
- [Burns.]
Is everything ready for the secret meeting? - Yes, sir.
I hope no one finds out about this.
It's pure journalistic dynamite! Uh, sir, this place could be bugged.
Shh.
- [Whirring.]
- Okay, now we can talk.
[Gasping.]
Turn it off! [Groans.]
- Journalistic dynamite.
- [Gasps.]
- [Chattering In Foreign Language.]
- Then it's agreed.
I'll supply you terrorists with deadly uranium.
You are a credit to the great Satan.
Oh, pshaw.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I love spying.
- [Groans.]
- Oh, don't worry about those fumes.
They'll be sucked into that air vent.
[Homer Groans.]
[Scoffs.]
This place is falling apart.
[Typing.]
And who's selling the uranium to the terrorists? Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Montgomery Burns.
- [Beeps.]
- Now we wait.
[Grunting.]
Let go of me! I'm innocent! Whoa, he's in trouble.
We'd like to award this year's Pulitzer Prize to Mr.
X.
[Cheering.]
Unfortunately, we don't know who he is so his cash award will be used to feed starving children.
No! Move! Move! - I'm Mr.
X! Gimme! Gimme! - [Murmuring.]
- We'll need some proof.
- #Ta-da # He is Mr.
X! Ha! - [Cheering.]
- Thank you, folks.
And now I'm off to expose more secret conspiracies and- [Groans.]
Oh, I bit my tongue! - I'm proud that you won the Pulitzer- - Finally.
But I do feel bad about the starving children.
They're with God now.
Oh, well, that's good.
[Groans.]
- Right.
- Hey, guys.
How's it going? Oh, don't worry about the Mr.
X thing.
I'm just here for a beer.
Uh- I don't know if I want you in here no more, Homer.
I got a lot of secrets I'd prefer to keep clandestine.
Uh-Terrible, disturbing secrets.
- [Man.]
So hungry.
- I smell another Pulitzer.
[Groans.]
Well, Helen, as it says in the Bible- - I'll tell you later.
- [Groans.]
Oh, nobody's visiting my Web page anymore.
My counter is actually going down.
- [Beeping.]
- [Wind Whistling.]
Well, you can't post news if you don't have any.
- That's a great idea.
I'll make up some news! - [Groans.]
At least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
- [Growls.]
- Let's see now.
Bulletin.
New race discovered living six inches under - Denver.
- Oh, Dad.
All named Morton- Or Mortinson.
This Mr.
X says Spanish and Italian are the same language.
[Exhales.]
Well, that's surprising.
They're controlling our minds with flu shots.
I knew it! Well, kids, now aren't you glad we don't believe in inoculations? [Both Moaning.]
Yea! Mommy? Hey, Mr.
X, I got a tip for you.
In science class they're dissecting frozen hoboes- And I have the bindles to prove it.
Real news is great, son but I'm getting a thousand hits an hour with grade "A" bull plop.
Give me a hundred lotto tickets, Apu, because Mr.
X is on a roll.
- [Thuds.]
- Stop it, Apu.
You're scaring me.
[Whimpering.]
Aah! Aah! What's going on? Help! I'm being kidnapped! [Doorbell Dings.]
- ## [Humming.]
- [Apu, Muffled.]
Hmm.
Hmm? [Muffled.]
Whoo! Ahh.
This is not a library.
Whoo.
[Homer.]
Save me, Mr.
X! Wait.
I'm Mr.
X.
[Groans.]
- [Homer Muttering.]
- [Squawks.]
- What the- - [Squawks.]
Hmm? Hmm? [Squawking.]
- [Cooing.]
- [Chittering.]
What the hell- How did I get here? What is this place? This is the Island.
- How do I get out of here? - Oh, no one leaves the Island.
So I'm a prisoner? How come? Because you know something.
But I don't know anything- At least I don't think I do.
- See you tomorrow.
- No, you won't! Hello, Operator! I'd like to report a really weird island.
Please send lots of rescue copters to- [Hissing.]
[Babbles.]
All right, whatever.
[Giggles.]
[Groans.]
Welcome, friend.
I'm Number Six.
I'm number 15.
What number are you? I am not a number! I am a man! And don't you ever- Oh, wait.
I'm Number Five.
- Ha, ha! In your face, Number Six! - Yes.
Well done.
- Who are all these oddballs? - Well, they keep us here because we know too much.
Number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline.
Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind Tic Tacs.
And I invented the bottomless peanut bag.
Wow! - So who brought us here? - I don't know.
- Did you bring us here? - No! - [Sniffing.]
- Don't worry.
If even half of your husband is out here, Officer Scraps'll find him.
Oh, that's a darling name for a dog.
[Sniffs, Barks.]
[Barking.]
Yup.
He's on the trail, all right.
Uh-oh.
[Barking.]
- Better go fish him out, Lou.
- Okay, Chief.
Uh, the shoes are part of the uniform.
Right, Chief.
[Groans.]
[Groaning.]
Oh, they drugged the tea.
They knew my one weakness.
Hello, Number Five.
How's every little thing? Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now or I want them eventually! - Fair enough.
I'll level with you.
- [Grunts.]
Ow.
Please, don't do that.
- Sorry.
- I'll be blunt.
Your Web page has stumbled upon our secret plan.
That's impossible.
All my stories are bull plop.
Bull plop! Don't be cute.
I'm referring to the flu shot exposé.
You see, we're the ones loading them with mind-controlling additives.
But why? [Grunts.]
To drive people into a frenzy of shopping.
That's why flu shots are given just before Christmas.
Of course.
It's so simple.
Wait.
No, it's not.
It's needlessly complicated.
Yes, it is.
And we can't have you out there mucking it up, now can we? - No, sir.
- That's a good boy.
Let's get you some ice cream.
- There we are.
- Look.
You can drug me all you want but my family won't rest until they find my drug-bloated corpse! I wouldn't count on that, Number Five.
As far as your family knows, Homer Simpson is walking in the front door right about now.
I'm sorry.
What? [Muttering, Gasps.]
Homie! [With German Accent.]
Marge, honey, fraülein, I'm home.
You're not my husband.
Ja.
Please forgive my unexplained two-week absence.
To make it up to you, we will go out to dinner at a sensibly priced restaurant then have a night of efficient German sex.
Well, I sure don't feel like cooking.
- [Hissing.]
- [Groans.]
Aren't there any evil movies on? Maybe something about an evil island? There's something really different about you, Dad.
- I am a new tie wearing.
- Oh, yeah.
[Homer Moaning.]
I'm tired of being drugged and gassed.
- There's gotta be a way to escape! - Psst! I've worked on this for 33 years.
It's made out of toilet paper rolls, toothpicks and plastic forks and the sail is made of scabs and dynamite.
It's small and it's smelly, but it should carry both of us to- - [Groans.]
- Whoo-hoo! That-That's the third time that's happened! Oh, no! An anti-escape orb! [Groans.]
Huh.
That was easy.
Why did you think a big balloon would stop people? Shut up! That's why.
Oh! What a horrible four months.
Now to warn everybody! Attention: Some crazy creeps on an island somewhere are secretly running the world.
- Hey! - Sorry, old chap but you're proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk.
- Huh? - We're shutting you down.
Not a chance.
No one can silence me but me! - That arranged can be.
- Wha- Aaah! [Choking.]
Yes! Fight and struggle.
[Groans.]
If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch.
- [Groans.]
Gott in Himmel! - Oh, Marge.
- It's me, the real Homer.
- Oh, Homie! - Mmm, mmm! - [Clapping.]
Bravo, Number Five.
But you know what happens to bad little "fishies" who wriggle through the net.
- Can I turn this off? - Absolutely.
- Hey! - Nice to have you back, Homer.
- [Barks.]
- The dog thinks so too.
[All Laughing.]
- The dog thinks- - [Hissing.]
[All Groaning.]
[Homer.]
Bad dog.
[Laughing.]
Once you get used to the "druggings," this isn't a bad place.
Oh, it's wonderful- Truly God's country.
[Giggling.]
[Homer.]
See you on the Island.
[Lisa.]
Yes, the Island.
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!