It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s12e07 Episode Script

1 - - (explosion) Come on, this way.
(explosions and gunfire outside) Clear the room.
- All clear, nobody's here.
- (gunfire fades) It sounds like it got quiet out there.
- Yeah.
- (clattering) Shit! Frank! There's somebody here.
FRANK: Is anybody here? Speak up we will shoot.
Wait, hold your fire, Frank! It's just a kid.
Hey, boy.
Is that water for us? (gunfire) Jesus Christ, Frank, you just killed a kid! - Eh.
- (exclaims) Jesus Christ! Oh, my God.
I'm gonna give him CPR.
Now, is he blowing someone? What is happening? - Yeah, looks like it.
- MAC: Jesus Christ, Frank, he was just trying to give us water, man! Forget it, he's dead.
MAC: You can't go around killing kids! Think about his mom and his dad.
How long they been playing this for? Oh, dude three straight days.
They've been playing this - for three days? - Yeah, absolutely.
Jesus Christ, have they slept? No.
No, they've just been wandering around the bar, blowing kids, doing whatever they're doing, you know? - Frank, behind you! - Is this where we're headed? I mean, as a world? Know what I mean as a society? Hey, uh, have any of you seen my guy yet? Oh, what is this, now? - What? Who? - Huh? - What do you want to tell us? Just tell us.
- Oh, I just totally hooked up with this super hot stripper soldier last night.
He's swinging by.
- Oh, you're dating a stripper.
- Mm-hmm.
Wow, gross.
Gross? If you guys started dating a stripper you'd be bragging about it for days.
I meet myself a Channing Tatum and suddenly it's gross? A what a charming taint man? What words is she trying to say? - Uh, she's talking about Channing Tatum.
- Oh.
- He's an actor.
- What do I know him in? - Well, he-he plays G.
I.
Joe.
- Oh! - G.
I Oh, G.
I.
Joe's the shit.
- G.
I.
Joe.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Well, then say G.
I.
Joe, don't make up a name.
- All right, you know what, whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Anyway, we had this really amazing connection and the sex was so meaningful, both of us wept tears of joy.
- Makes me want to throw up.
- Yeah.
- Just what happened.
- You know what I think is happening right now? I think the guy's coming by because you stole his watch.
Oh, right, you jacked his wallet or something so he'd come over and you-you - Yeah.
- Right? Just to get him to talk to you again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hello.
Hey.
- Hey, Mike.
Hey.
Thanks for calling me.
- Yeah.
Thanks for coming by.
- So you have my watch? - Oh - Yeah.
Just diving straight into that, huh? Listen, um, I'm really glad you called, though.
I really wanted to thank you for last night.
Thank you for last night.
Yeah.
It's like, we were having sex and the whole time - Yeah.
- I was like, "What's become of me?" You know, all I do is I strip all night, I play video games all day, I have meaningless sex with strangers.
My own daughter won't even talk to me, you know? So I was like "Damn.
" And I realized I hit rock bottom.
Oh.
And that's why I was crying.
Oh.
Right, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
But don't-don't take it personally.
No.
Because it Why would it be? - All right, cool.
- It's - Yeah, cool.
- Cool, 'cause it really helped me realize that I got to give that lifestyle up.
- Oh - So thank you.
You're welcome.
Um I don't remember your name.
Dee.
Dee? - Yeah.
- Cool.
Now, can I get that watch, or - Hey, Dee, I think he just wants his watch.
- I think he needs his - Yeah, I understand.
- Yeah.
CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Rock bottom? Me? Uh, hey, buddy, how about when your daughter stopped talking to you Maybe that was your rock bottom, okay? I'm not rock bottom.
You know what I am? I'm a rock.
Dee is a rock.
In fact, I'm the type of gal - who makes men's lives better.
- (door opens) Hey-o! You guys mind if I shower in that leaky urinal again? (clicks tongue) Well, that Don't count that.
That's not a good example.
No, I got I got to do something about this, goddamn it.
I am gonna fix this problem, 'cause I'm gonna tell you something right now: Sweet Dee is a rock.
Goddamn it, Frank, you shot a woman.
- FRANK: Who cares? - Jesus Christ, man, - I got to stop.
This is too real.
- What, what? I got to take a break, dude.
It's driving me insane.
Come on, how are we gonna win if you keep quitting? I don't care! - Lot of storm-outs today, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- This is pathetic.
Dee can't handle a little rejection.
- (scoffs) - Mac's banged up over a goddamn video game.
- Yeah.
- It's stripper guy is traumatized because he gets to take his clothes off in front of a bunch of horny ladies.
- Yeah.
- And then he has sex with one disgusting bird.
- Yeah.
- Come on, man, - that's not trauma.
That's not real trauma.
- Nah.
It's not even - that bad.
- I mean, if if anything, that's insulting to people - who have experienced real trauma.
- Yeah.
- I think it is.
Yeah.
- I mean, like you, for instance.
Uh, me? Well, yeah.
Sure, man.
I mean, you grew up fatherless.
You were raised by a woman who was basically a prostitute.
Well, the father stuff was real.
Yeah, without a doubt.
Got some daddy issues there.
And-and you, too.
I mean, like, you know, what happened with you with Ms.
Klinsky, the librarian.
I mean, you were raped.
- Ah.
No.
St - And tha-that's got to affect you.
- That's trauma.
- Will you stop? Why do you guys br no.
That wasn't a rape, okay? - It was.
- That was a mutual No, stop.
Like - She's an older woman, you were a younger - (scoffs) A woman can't rape a guy.
- An older woman can rape a younger - It's not - Doesn't matter.
That's not the point.
- Oh, yeah.
Right, right.
- This is separate, yeah.
- Look, it's It's not the point.
The point is, yeah, fine, I'll do it.
You'll do what? I'll strip.
Yeah.
Huh.
I didn't realize you were talking about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Huh.
- You know, if this Mike fella wants to walk away from an amazing stripping career, hey, I'll take up that mantle.
You know, frankly, I'm a little disappointed in myself for not thinking of it before.
You know? It just makes sense.
Right, yeah.
Here's the thing, man.
I can't do it without you.
I need you to get my back.
Oh, uh, you want me to strip with you? Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I-I-I no, I just literally need you to have a look at my back, you know, make sure there's no moles or, like, unsightly hairs, bumps, zits, you know, - that kind of thing.
- Ah, yeah And then, you know, get after it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll clean you up.
All right, all right, I can do that.
- Cool.
- Cool, man.
You be my boy? Yeah, I'll be the boy.
Well, just be my L-like my bag boy.
You know, carry around my-my lotions, my oils, my scents, my razors.
Cool, man.
Chill, chill.
Yeah, that's cool, right? - Yeah, that's cool, bro.
Cool.
- Cool.
MAC: Frank, where are you, man? I can't see.
Jesus Christ.
(gunfire) Oh, who's there?! Oh Hey, boy.
How you doing, man? (yelling) (yelling, groaning) No! Baba! Mother! Oh, shit! Oh, no, man! I'm so sorry, man.
Hey, son.
Dad?! What are you doing here? How did you get in the game? Guess we won't be having that catch after all.
You were gonna have a catch with me? I was, but (coughs) you killed me, son.
(gasps) I love - (groans) - Wa-Wa Wait! Wait, Dad! Who do you love? Dad, who do you love? Wait.
Dad, who do you love? No, Dad! No! (gasps loudly) (guttural panting) (whispering): What the hell? Oh, was that a dream? Dennis? Oh, my God, man, I just had the weirdest dream.
(Dennis hums along percussively to dance music) (sighs) (gasps loudly, panting) (gasping) (loud snoring) (crickets chirping) (sighs) (loud snoring) (Dennis humming percussively) (phone ringing) (groaning) - What? - MAC: Frank.
Look, I-I I can't sleep.
I'm having nightmares.
- Dead kids, dads.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mac.
Slow down.
What are you saying? I got to quit the game, dude.
I can't - do this anymore.
- No, no, no.
Don't quit just yet.
- Look, have a drink and calm down.
- Okay, fine.
(sighs) I'll calm down.
I'll-I'll drink some whiskey or something.
Yeah, stuff it down with brown.
That's the best way to deal with things.
(quietly): Okay.
Kid's a mess.
Goddamn it, Charlie, we're 30 minutes late, man.
I'm so sorry I cut your back so many times, man.
- What happened? - I was nervous, dude.
- Why? - I've never, like, cut such a muscular back.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
Oh, dude, your back looks great, man.
I'm working hard, dude.
Dude, you're putting the work in, and it's showing, man.
- Thank you so much, man.
I really appreciate that.
- Yeah, right, right, right, right.
But just let's not talk about it in there.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Don't bring it up.
Can you walk me through what your guy is again? Okay, so here's the deal, man.
Who do girls want to have sex with more than anybody else? - Jugglers.
- Jug? - Dudes who can, like, juggle things.
- I know what a juggler is.
- You know, with the fire sticks and the balls.
- Yeah.
No, they don't want to have sex with a juggler.
They want to have sex with their dads.
- Weird.
- Yeah, it is weird, so I'm a dad.
Oh.
Okay, cool.
Oh, and I'm your boy.
- All right, that works.
- Well, no.
What? Why would you be my boy? Oh, you said I was gonna be your boy 'cause I have daddy trauma, and then, I didn't realize I was gonna be your boy in there, but that works great.
No, that doesn't make any sense.
How would you be my s? I'm their dad.
How could I also be your dad? We can't all be related.
Christ, Charlie, you're not making any sense, man.
Yeah, I mean, you could have a lot of kids, I guess.
I got to say, though, I'm looking inside there, and this isn't making sense to me.
I mean, these are all older women.
Might be a little bit hard for me to pull off the dad thing at all.
- That's not a good play.
- You know, I'm getting a bad feeling about this, man.
Hey, man, do you think maybe that's 'cause - of your librarian trauma? - You're talking about Ms.
Klinsky? - Yeah, she was an older woman, and - What? No.
There was Let's not talk Can we stop talking about trauma - and-and-and cuts on the on peoples' backs? - Yes.
And let's It's not sexy, okay? - Okay, yeah, well, then let's split.
- Okay.
- All right, let's go.
- All right, man.
Are you the stripper? - Oh, uh, yeah, that's him.
- Uh (laughs) - What, are you 40? - Yup.
Fine.
You guys'll do, I guess.
Y-You guys? No.
Sorry.
I'm just the boy.
- The what? - Just - Sorry.
I'm-I'm his boy.
Well, you're not my boy.
He's not (chuckles) Are you gonna stand out here and talk like little bitches, or are you gonna come inside and take your dicks out for money? Daddy? Just don't call me Daddy.
FRANK: Yeah, my generation we drank our problems away.
But since you softies like to talk about everything, I figured this was a good thing to do.
A PTSD support group, Frank? Yeah, yeah.
Maybe you'll get some help, - we can finish the damn game.
- What's up, dicks? What the hell are you doing here? Well, because I am a rock and not a rock bottom, I decided to reach out to Mike and see if I could get him some help with, uh, some of these issues he's been having.
I'm confused.
Is this a PTSD meeting for vets? Mm-hmm, yeah.
You're a military guy, right? No.
It was just my stripper character.
Really? Oh, I just figured you based - your characters off past experiences.
- Why? Okay, look, I-I'm not gonna pass myself off as a vet, Frank.
- Yeah, I don't feel good about this.
Maybe - Well, then just don't talk.
- But - You don't have to talk.
Just sit down.
Okay, everybody, let's grab a chair, let's get this started.
- Probably not gonna call on you anyway.
- MAN: Okay, right off the bat, I can see we got some newcomers here today.
You guys want to introduce yourselves? Ugh.
Goddamn it.
Uh, I'm Frank.
I've been around the block, seen some action.
I was in 'Nam for a while.
Private sector mostly.
I did shoot a couple of dinks who tried to jack some sneakers off the factory floor.
No big deal.
I don't feel nothing about it.
I'm just here to support my buddy.
DEE (clears throat): Uh Hello.
I'm Dee.
I'm a rock.
I'm here with this guy.
There was a bit of a mix-up about his military credentials, but, uh whatever.
Now he's under the delusion that he's hit rock bottom, you know, and I just don't see how that's possibly true, so, we're gonna straighten that up while we're sitting here today, you know.
Mac's being a pussy! He doesn't want to fight anymore! I'm not being a pussy.
I just don't want to kill women and children.
FRANK: How do I get him to stop thinking of them as real people? Mike's embarrassed about his dancing, and I just I don't get that.
I don't How is that rock bottom behavior? You know? Think of Channing Tatum.
Can you please explain Channing Tatum to him? - I'm not sure I follow - Oh, yeah.
He's G.
I.
Joe.
FRANK: Mac can't sleep at night.
He's having erotic nightmares and shit.
- He doesn't know what's real anymore.
- DEE: Yeah.
Mike's embarrassed about his video game-playing, which makes no sense to me, 'cause you know what? Video games are hard.
- You ever play Fallujah? - Beat it five times.
- You want to play with me? - I'm actually trying to get away from that.
Well, what if he paid you? Ten bucks an hour.
- 20.
- Deal.
- Wow.
Really? - Well, will you look at that? Now we're getting somewhere, huh? - Yeah.
- That couldn't have happened without your rock, could it? Wait a second, Frank.
What about me? You're out.
Dishonorable discharge.
MAN: I'm sorry.
What is happening here? Doesn't matter.
We're done with you.
- Yeah, we're good.
- Yeah.
(crickets chirping) (loud snoring) - Hey, son.
- (gasps) Dad?! What are you doing here? I broke out of jail and came straight to see you.
- Because you love me? - 'Cause I'm gonna kill you, son.
(muffled yelling): Oh.
Oh, no! (loudly gasping for air) What? What-What's happening? When did I get here? How long have I been asleep? You got here, like, five minutes ago.
You've been asleep for 35 seconds.
Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm-I'm losing my mind.
- I mean, I'm actually going insane.
- DENNIS: You know, we're all having a little bit of a hard time right now.
- Yeah.
- But we got to fight fire with fire, and Charlie and I refuse to be defeated by this.
We're gonna win this war.
What war? - The war on women! - Women, man! There's a war on women? Can I get in on that? - (phone ringing) - Bro, it's been raging since the beginning of time, bro.
- Oh.
- And we're losing ground.
Phone! - Hello.
- (disguising her voice): Ah, yeah.
Uh, yeah, is youse Daddy and the Boy? - Uh, y-yes, it is.
Boy speaking.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Uh, I hear youse are re rule good.
Well, yeah, that-that is true.
Well, I've got a party for you.
- Um, Daddy wants to speak with you.
- Yeah.
Yeah, this is Daddy.
What's-what's the gig? Uh, yeah, a giant party.
Tons of sorority girls.
Sorority girls.
Oh, sorority girls.
Nice.
Did you just lick your hand? Yeah, that that sounds good.
Um, listen, a few new ground rules, though.
I'm a bad dad now.
And, uh, the Boy's also gonna be dancing with me.
Okay.
Uh, whatever.
Uh, uh Yeah, we need Mike.
We need him.
- Mike? Why do you want Mike, Dee? - What? You knew it was me? Of course I knew it was you.
Who else does accents so poorly? The accents were terrible.
- The accents were terrible.
- All right, look, I just I want him to have fun, make a ton of money, party with a bunch of sorority girls, you know? I need to show him that this is a great life.
This is not a rock-bottom life.
We'll do it at Paddy's.
It'll be a win-win.
- Make a ton of mon - Mmm.
Yes.
Okay.
What? Hello? Goddamn it.
This is good.
This is th-this is good.
Young girl sorority girls.
It's, like, age-appropriate for me, you know? Not like those perverted librarians.
- Cougars.
Whatever, man.
- Yeah.
And it's gonna be on our home turf.
Like, Paddy's.
- Whoa.
And with Mike, we'll be like a - Oh.
We'll be like an elite stripping dance force, like a unit, man.
Dude, dude, dude, dude, - we're gonna look good, man.
- Yeah.
Yeah, man.
We're gonna win this war.
- Oh, hell yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- We're gonna win this war on women.
You know what, Mac, maybe we could use you after all.
- He's asleep.
- Yeah, he's out.
- (snarling) - (gunfire) It's amazing! I can't believe they have zombies on the final level! I love zombies.
Ghouls, too.
I love ghouls.
Right now, if we can just make it to that second box over there, we can grab the all spark coin and we can win the game.
(distorted voices) (gunfire) - (distorted shouting) - MAC (distorted): Frank.
Frank.
Frank! Frank! (gasps) Oh.
What happened? - Where am I? - Oh, you're in the back office.
You passed out playing the game, dude.
We dragged you back here so you could sleep.
Oh, Mac.
I think I was too hard on you.
I think I got PTSD, too.
- Oh, no.
We don't have that.
- Huh? Yeah, I actually slept about ten hours last night, dude, and I feel great.
I think we were just suffering from sleep deprivation.
Well, where's Mike? I want to finish the game.
Oh, we finished the game.
Yeah, like, right after you passed out, Mike and I just got in there.
- Dude, it was awesome.
- Do you want to do it again? No, I don't want to play anymore.
Well, where's Mike? I'll do it with him.
He's out, too.
Yeah, he's doing some weird stripping thing with Dennis and Charlie.
I only woke you up 'cause I figured you'd want to see it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
(indistinct chatter) I really appreciate you getting me this gig.
I mean, truthfully, I don't think I was ready to give this lifestyle up.
Of course not.
Why would you? You're really good at dancing.
That's nothing to be ashamed of.
Listen, you like video games? I got you paid for it.
You're a great stripper? I got you this gig.
- And you know what I'm gonna do for you next? - What? I'm gonna reunite you with your daughter.
- Oh, man.
- Yep.
Look, I really appreciate everything you've done.
- It really, really means a lot to me.
- Eh, well, you just needed your rock.
Fire it up.
- Smell good? Everything poppin'? - All right.
No, feels good.
- Look good? - I don't know.
What do you think? - You like how it smells? - It looks good.
- And you can't see any of the blood.
- Okay, good.
It's all patched up good.
- What do you think about my prop, hmm? - That's really cool.
- A little kid licking that up there.
- Wait, what-what am I smelling? Cheese.
- Is that made of cheese? - Yeah, yeah.
And then I painted the rest with, like, magic marker and stuff.
Oh, Christ.
Why did you make a cheese lollipop? It stinks.
- For-for my nerves.
Yeah.
- That smells horrible.
Oh, God.
There's nothing sexy about cheese.
Put it away.
- (cheering) - Ladies, are we ready to party tonight? (whooping) So am I.
- (gasping) - All right.
We're gonna see some skin tonight.
Yeah.
Scars and all.
This, actually, is a real scar, too.
And I got a good story behind that.
This is, uh They took out the kidney, actually, from the fron A Chinaman.
And he did not know how to do it, I'll tell you that much.
- (groans) - Cricket was a bad idea, huh? Yeah, I know.
But we needed that, like, you know, - McConaughey emcee-type.
- Yeah.
But looks like we got AIDS Dallas Buyers Club McConaughey, - not Magic Mike McConaughey.
- That is what he looks like.
- It's a good crowd, though.
It's a good crowd.
- He's Yeah.
All right, well That was the first time that I really thought, "Hey, I might actually, uh I might die, and and no one's gonna remember.
" All right! Hey! Let's, uh, keep it movin'.
Keepin' it real, keepin' it sexy, and takin' back the power, let's give it up for Daddy and the Boy! - (cheering and applause) - (Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle" playing) Hey, Boy, let's have a catch.
My child arrived Over here, Pop.
Hey.
Good throw, son.
I love you, Dad! - I love you, too, son.
- Oh? And even though I never even said it enough.
What is this? I wasn't a good Shh! I wasn't a good father to you, and-and I regret that now.
No, that's fine, because now is our chance to connect.
This is super weird.
Hey! Shush, all right? This is our thing.
We have the power.
You don't talk.
All right, you know what, Dad, don't listen to them, 'cause we're gonna win this war.
This is not sexy! Just take something off! You know, you take something off! All right, look, it's too hot for baseball.
- I'm gonna take my clothes off now.
I think.
- (whooping) - Okay! - Yeah, now we'll take our clothes off.
- (laughter) - (laughing): Yeah! Wait, wait, son, don't.
Don't.
They're laughing.
Don't take your clothes off if they're laughing.
We have the power.
- It's not a joke! - It's not a joke, all right? This is sexy.
(women booing) Oh, stop, sto Oh, you know what? You might want to check your programs 'cause I'm bad dad now.
I'll take you to your goddamn room.
- I'll bend you over my knee.
- Take your dicks out! All right, listen to me.
This is it, this is what you were made for.
Now you get out there and save the day, soldier.
- (women continue booing) - DENNIS: This is about a father and a son - whose relation - CHARLIE: Oh, come on! CRICKET: And now the moment you've all been waiting for.
Soldier boy, Mike.
Everybody got 'em, everybody got 'em E-E-Everybody got 'em, e-e-everybody, everybody Everybody got 'em, everybody got 'em - (women cheering) - E-E-Everybody got 'em E-E-Everybody, everybody Everybody got 'em, everybody got 'em E-E-Everybody got 'em, e-e-everybody, everybody Everybody got 'em, everybody got 'em E-E-Everybody, every (screams) (music stops, cheering dies down) - Dad? - Oh, Janie? - Oh! - Your cock was in my face! Oh, God, I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to! You're disgusting! My finger touched your asshole! (all groan and gasp) Never talk to me again! (cackles) I got you! I got you.
I'm your rock bottom? I'm your rock That's your rock bottom, sticking your dick in your daughter's face, you son of a bitch.
- Why would you do that?! - Get out of here! That's my daughter! (chuckling): Oh.
Yes! (Charlie whistles, Mac sighs) - DENNIS: Wow.
- Jesus Christ.
- Wow, Dee, that was dark.
- That's like the darkest thing you've ever done.
You know what that was? - That was your rock bottom.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
- (scoffs) Whatever.
Feel good.
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about my thing.
You want to talk about your thing? - No, no, let's not.
- You know what we should do? Let's just, uh let's just get drunk.
- Yeah, come on.
- Let's not talk about trauma.
- Or deal with any of that shit.
- Woo.
Let's just have a good time and get drunk, huh? Stuff it down with some brown.
(all agreeing) And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon