The Simpsons s12e07 Episode Script

[Chorus.]
#The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing.]
[Whistle Blowing.]
[Beeping.]
[Jazzy Solo.]
[Beeping.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
Welcome to the Magic Palace.
- Okay.
You can park my car.
But no joyriding! - Mmm.
Wait a minute.
Hello, I'm Questo.
I'll be your waiter and mentalist for this evening.
I'm receiving a drink order.
Something foamy.
Is it a "B"- Beer, yes! How did you know? Hmm? Ahh.
And for the lady, a Long Island Iced Tea.
[Both.]
Wow.
Oh, they oughta call that a"Large" Island Iced Tea.
[Laughs.]
- No, "Long" is better.
- Are you really gonna drink that? Well, maybe a sip.
I don't want to offend our mentalist.
[Thinking.]
If she doesn't like it, I'll just die! [Sucking.]
Mmm.
[Slurping.]
- Mmm! - ## [Fanfare.]
Mom, you're missing a great show.
You don't know what I'm missin'.
[Slurping.]
Mmm! I'd like to visit that Long Island place, if only it were real.
Now for my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer.
I'll do it! I always end up doing it.
- Hi.
- I'm Diablo.
What's your name? - Marge.
- Okay, Marge.
And who's that gentleman you're with? That's no gentleman.
That's my husband.
- ## [Rimshot.]
- [All Laughing.]
- Wow.
Mom got a laugh.
- I wish she drank every day.
[Chuckles.]
Do we love Marge or what? Oh, please.
I didn't say that for clapping.
- Now, Marge, I have a problem.
- Oh, yeah? You see, the emperor of China's coming over and I don't have enough colorful silks.
- Oh.
- So what I need of you is- You talk too much.
Abraca-blab-ra.
Am I right? - [Laughing.]
- See, the ladies know what I'm talking about.
Ha.
Ha.
Tell you what? Let's get this ball gag on ya.
There we go.
And we'll skip right ahead to the Kill-O-Tine.
Whoa, baby! Don't worry, Marge.
You won't feel a thing.
You'll feel four things.
- [Laughing.]
- He's very good.
[Gasping.]
- [Chittering.]
- [Applauding.]
So she was made of chimps.
Man, magic can do anything! What happened to Mom? - I'm right here! - [Applauding, Cheering.]
- [Chittering.]
- No! No! Get off of me! [Man On P.
A.
.]
Folks, this is not part of the act.
Please help her.
No! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Cool gift shop.
"Ages eight to 80.
" Huh.
That's me! Dad, will you get me this magic kit? Gee, I wish I could, Son.
But we already left the gift shop.
D'oh! Wow.
It's approved by the Royal Magic College of Hyderabad.
- [Scoffs.]
That's a party magic college.
- It is not.
- Yah-huh.
- Nuh-huh.
- Yah-huh.
- Would you cut it out, you two? Mommy needs some quiet right now.
[All Screaming.]
What the hell is that? It looks like a sturgeon.
But where did it come from? Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Well, there's your problem.
I know that.
How much to fix it? Oh.
Well, that's a foreign fish we're looking at.
So, uh, 6,500.
- Plus 350.
- Oh, I can't afford that.
Maybe I can make some money, Dad.
The magic act is really coming along.
- [Panting.]
- [Chuckles.]
He couldn't breathe.
Step right up! See the magic boy! Witness mystifying feats that will leave you scratching your head until it's raw and bloody! - Mmm.
Look.
- Oh, my goodness! Come on.
Pony up, Flanders.
The kid's not turning tricks for nothin'.
- Oh, no.
I could never support the black arts.
- Black arts? Yeah, you know: Magic, fortune telling, Oriental cooking.
Hey, you guys! [Grunts.]
You're in our spot.
What? Oh, okay, we'll move.
We don't want any trouble, fellas.
Dad, only one of them is real.
- I know, but which one? - Ohh.
Sixty cents? I would have made more if I had gone into work today! Hey, don't blame me.
I gotta compete with TV and the Internet.
A good son would come through for his dad.
Yeah.
And a good dad wouldn't miss his son's little league games.
I told you! Lfind them boring! Well, I showed up for all your stupid interventions! Oh, that's it! You can walk home! [Tires Squealing.]
Dad, come back! Ohh.
I can't walk home with all this stuff.
- Ohh.
- Poor boy.
Here's some money for bus fare.
- My father was a monster too.
- Hmm.
Come on, brothers.
Dig deep.
Stupid non-magical son can't pay to fix my car.
- Hey, Homer! Check it out! - What the- - [Chomping.]
- Is that a steak? - Yeah.
I know a little place.
- Who gave you all this money? Mmm, people.
I guess they thought I was a charity case.
Really? Hey, maybe we could do that again.
- Can you look even more pathetic? - [Whimpers.]
Oh, that's beautiful! We could make a fortune! But wouldn't that make us con artists? Well, yeah.
But God conned me out of So, in a way, we'd just be balancing out the universe.
There you go! We'd be stealing from people we know.
It's just like the seasons.
Sounds good.
You want to eat my fat? I think you know the answer to that.
[Chomping.]
This book has all the classic cons.
There's the Pigeon Drop, the Ear Wigger, the Brillstein grab- Do they have any father-and-son grifts? - Well, there's the Albany Ham Scam.
- Interesting.
Oh, wait.
Here we go.
[Humming.]
- Oh.
- What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow? I could ask you the very same question.
Uh, should I just back out of the room? - Would you? - ## [Humming.]
Okay, Dad, ready for our first con? You bet.
Let's trim the mark.
Nice use of the lingo, Homer.
- 10-4, kemosabe.
- Ohh.
- ## [Humming.]
- I love you too.
Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
- Oh! - Oh, excuse me.
What happened? Where's my cake? - It's all right, isn't it? - Uh- What have you done, you clumsy little ox? That cake was for your deaf sister! - Sir, it was my fault.
- No, no.
Don't protect him.
You'll work off that cake in the acid mines! No! No, no! I'll pay for the cake.
Well, you're the mark of integrity.
[Chuckles.]
Wow! Look at all this loot! What should we buy first? A singing rubber fish, of course.
There you are.
How was the magic act? What in the hell are you talking about? Oh, right.
The magic.
The magic was great! It's really the way to go.
How'd you do your act? You left your magic kit here.
Or so it would seem.
- [Chuckles.]
- Suckers.
I don't know, Mom.
I think they're up to something.
Oh, it sure looks that way.
But at least Bart and Homer are spending quality time together.
Is that a Long Island Iced Tea? Oh, this? Hmm.
I think it is.
[Sucking.]
Mmm.
You're a pretty girl.
Here, boy! Here, doggie! - Oh, where has my little dog gone? - Oh, you lost your doggie? Yeah.
I saw him playing in the water, and then he was gone.
He had a bright red leash with bells on it.
Oh, I'm sure he's around here somewhere.
[Jingling.]
Oh, dear Lord.
He's the bestest dog ever.
He's light brown and he has a spot on him shaped like a heart.
- Sorry, son.
But- - I just gotta get him back! Or if not him, a similar dog.
Dog for sale! Dog for sale! - How much for the dog? - Oh, he's not for sale.
- Oh, well.
- Although, if the right offer came along- Here's for the repairs and a little extra for you.
Hey.
Thanks, chief.
Uhh! My bar mitzvah cake! Oy! I'll never be a man.
Uhh.
- Dad? - Yeah, Son? Why are we still grifting? The car's paid for.
Doesn't that balance out the universe? In a way.
But I also remembered some other stuff.
Like my bike that was stolen in third grade.
- Plus the baldness.
- Okay.
I'm sold.
[Rings.]
Hello.
Is the lady of the house in? Oh, no! Homer, remember? Maudie got called up to heaven.
- Oh.
Of course.
Of course.
It's just that- - What? Well, before she died, she ordered this Bible especially for you.
Why, there's my name, in gold.
Now you weren't home, so we had to pay the delivery man.
Well, I'll just reimburse you right- Wait a minute.
This seems an awful lot like that movie Paper Moon.
- Run, Dad! - Okay! [Whimpering.]
- We'll be safe in here.
- That was too close.
- Maybe it's time to quit the game.
- [Grampa.]
Amateurs! - [Both.]
Huh? - Dad? That's right.
- You don't smoke a pipe.
- That's right.
[Coughs.]
- How'd you get wise to us? - Are you kiddin'? They used to call me Grifty McGrift.
I wrote the book on flimflammin'.
Wow! He did! Yeah.
In the Depression, you had to grift.
Either that or work.
- So what's the pitch, old man? - Team up with me, boys and we'll go for the biggest honey pot of'em all! [Gasps.]
Oh, my God! I don't know.
Fleecin' old people? Oh, why not? If we don't take their money, they'll just give it to some televangelist.
Let's dust a few fossils.
Now this scam was in The Sting, Part Two, so nobody knows about it.
Now as I recall, Jackie Gleason- - Which one of you youngsters is Abe Simpson? - I'm Abe Simpson.
You've just won $10 million from that publisher's "cleary-dealie"! - What? - Everybody, come quick! Abe Simpson is rich! I can't believe it! I can finally afford a young, crazy, stripper wife.
- [All Cheering.]
- Yeah.
I'm gonna get me the craziest, "strippiest"- [Groaning.]
- He's dead.
- [Mumbling.]
Oh, this is terrible.
Now who do we give the money to? I guess we'll just have to haul the check back to headquarters.
Too bad we couldn't just give it to these nice folks.
Forget it, Ed.
Do you know what it costs to sign over a check this big? Why, the wealth transfer fee would run at least a hundred dollars a head.
You're right.
We better just take this check back for shredding.
No, wait.
We got a hundred bucks each.
Hang on.
Thank you.
No shoving.
That's right.
Put your money in here.
All of it.
Is that everyone? What's your problem, sport? Afraid to be rich? Hold your horses.
I'll get to ya! F.
B.
I.
You're under arrest for fraud.
[Both Gasping.]
[Grunts.]
Mm-hmm.
Throw the book at him, sonny.
D'oh! Now, where's the inside man? Mmm? [Grunts.]
Call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lam! Ahh! [Laughing.]
So we're under arrest for fraud? - Yes, fraud.
- [Whimpers.]
Well, this is about the flashiest car I've ever impounded.
Thanks.
Whew! It took a lot of grifting.
Ooh! Please, F.
B.
I.
Man, don't throw us in jail.
We just made one mistake.
Yeah.
We're not criminals.
We're just two crazy, mixed-up kids.
Mmm.
Okay, tell you what.
I'll let you turn yourselves in.
Maybe they'll go easier on you.
- You'd do that for us? - Well, I did ruin the boy's birthday cake.
Go on in.
But I'll be watching! Okay.
Thank you, sir.
Don't worry, Son.
I have an idea.
Chief, I'd like to scare my son straight.
Could I show him a jail cell? Oh, sure.
I'll put you in the RickJames suite.
It's super freaky.
Okay, we're all locked up now.
Yeah.
You big idiot.
- Excellent.
I guess I'll just be swiping your car now.
- What? Oh, and this lovely bag of cash.
So long, suckers! Woo-hoo! - That's not an F.
B.
I.
Badge.
- "Colgate Cavity Patrol"? Ohh! - That guy was a grifter.
- Yeah.
He conned us good.
Well, at least we still have our jobs at the sweepstakes place.
- Ohh! - What? Mom's gonna wonder where the car went.
- We better have a good story.
- Well, lies got us into this mess, Son.
From now on, it's honesty all the way.
You were carjacked in the church parking lot? Absolutely.
We had stopped in for a quick prayer when- Bart, would you call him a crazy man? Definitely.
Well, crazy about carjacking.
- What did he look like? - Uh, mmm, let's see.
He was foreign, and he had- - Wild, bushy hair, like an animal.
- Anything else? Uh, well, he seemed like a loner.
Kept to himself mostly.
And he said if we went to the cops, he'd come back for Maggie.
[Gasps.]
Oh, dear! We don't want that! Anyhoo, the whole nightmare's really made us sleepy.
[Yawns.]
Let's hit the hay.
- [Birds Twittering.]
- [Snoring.]
Homie! Homie, wake up! - They've captured your crazed foreign carjacker! - Huh? - But that's impossible.
- They're arresting him right now.
- I did not do it, I tell ya! - Uh-oh.
At least, let me comb me hair.
It's all wild and bushy.
What do you care, Loner.
Well, look at that.
But who called the police? - We did.
- After we got Maggie to a safe house, of course.
Hmm.
She hasn't touched her Manwich.
You cannot do this to Willie! I'm innocent, I tell ya! They always say they're innocent.
It's such a turnoff.
Dad, Willie got arrested 'cause of us! Of course he did, Son.
He's a filthy crook.
Now let's all hit the hay.
It's 10:00 in the morning.
I guess you haven't heard of chloroform.
[Inhales, Snores.]
Will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking? I was alone in me Unabomber-style shack.
I had nothing to do with that carjacking.
Carjacking? Who said anything about a carjacking? - [Chattering.]
- But didn't ya just say- - I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Willie! - Objection! I'm gonna allow it.
It characterizes the defendant as a carjacker.
- Dad, we've gotta tell everyone the truth.
- Let's see how this plays out.
Mr.
Simpson, could you describe your assailant to the court? I told you my memory is fuzzy.
Fuzzy! - Fuzzy like Willie's beard? - [Gasping.]
Yes! Exactly! No, no.
I mean the whole incident is hazy.
- Hazy like the moors of Scotland? - [Gasping.]
- Yes, exactly! - [Chattering.]
Ohh! [Sniffs.]
Hey! Mountain Dew? Ohh! Mr.
Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict? [Clears Throat.]
I believe we was promised $5.
00 a day.
- All right then.
Guilty! - [Sobbing.]
Carjacker Willie, I sentence you to 10 years in prison! [All Gasping.]
- Dad, tell them! - When the time is right.
Ten years? But I "didna" do it! - Sure you "didna.
" Now let's get you to Attica- - No! [All Gasping.]
You'll never send me up the river! - Dad.
- Let's see where he's going with this.
- [All Screaming.]
- [Gunshot.]
- Willie, as your employer, I insist- - [Growls.]
- [Gunshot.]
- Oh! Stop! This has gone on just long enough! Nobody carjacked me.
I tried to pull a con and got conned myself.
And then I lied to you all.
[Sobbing.]
So did Bart.
[Sobbing.]
- [Clanging.]
- Okay, players, that's a wrap! [All Cheering.]
Huh? - Nice work, everybody.
- Wait a minute.
This whole thing was a setup? But Skinner got shot.
Aah! Yup.
Blanks and a blood pack.
- Hey, watch it! - I look like cable TV.
What about that bullet hole in your hair? Squibs.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah, we hornswoggled you good.
But what about the guy who took my car? [Tires Screeching.]
Devon Bradley.
Character actor, dancer, singer.
I'm a triple threat! He's doing Dreamcoat at the dinner theater.
- I can't believe everyone was in on it.
- Willie wasn't! Wait a minute.
You're telling me the police force, the TV news a courthouse full of people, and a popular entertainer had nothing better to do than to teach me and Bart a lesson? I know it seems far-fetched, even insulting to your intelligence.
But there's a simple and highly satisfying explanation.
You see- Hey, everybody! Surf s up! [All Cheering.]
- Cowabunga! - Woo! - ## [Surf.]
- Uh! Uh! Hey! Ohh! - Hey! - Aah! ## [Continues.]
## [Continues.]
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!