Would I Lie To You? (2007) s12e07 Episode Script

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show of barefaced lies and well-masked truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, a Boyzone star who was once a judge on The Voice Australia, which is exactly the same as our version, except the chairs turn in the opposite direction.
It's Ronan Keating.
APPLAUSE And you may well have called her on This Morning or I'm A Celebrity, both of which are on ITV, so she's not that posh! It's Georgia "Toff" Toffolo.
APPLAUSE And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a comedian who was once voted Wales' sixth sexiest man.
It sounds good until you find out there are only seven men in Wales, and one of them is me.
It's Rhod Gilbert.
APPLAUSE And from The Mash Report, a comedian who used to present Snog Marry Avoid? I'll save you the effort - it goes David, Rob, Lee.
It's Ellie Taylor.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Toff, you're first up.
Right.
I instructed Deliveroo to block my orders after my bacon sandwich addiction got out of hand.
Right.
So, how many bacon sandwiches were you getting? When it really, really got bad, it was about four or five times a week.
I mean, just how posh are you, when you're ordering out for bacon butties? Where was the restaurant you were getting them from? Well, actually, the most embarrassing part of it is that, you know, I can get a bacon sandwich a mere 45 seconds away from my front door.
Were they delivering from the place that was that close? Yeah.
Right, hear me out, there is no greater joy than a bacon - sarnie in bed, right? - Oh, I can think of something.
Pot Noodle! Deliveroo delivered to your bed? Well, no, you have to remove yourself from said bed and go to the front door.
But it's easier than If it's that close, you must be halfway to the shop at that point.
Your bacon sarnie addiction consists of four or five a week, which is sort of less than one a day.
- That's a lot, though.
- It is quite a lot, every day.
It's not an addiction, is it? Well, I've got a Weetabix addiction, in that case.
Tell us about the bacon sandwich, Toff.
- Was it a bog-standard one? - Yeah.
Or was it something a little bit special? No, it's a classic.
White bread, tommy K, bacon, job done.
- Not toasted.
- Tommy K, did you say? What does that mean? - Tomato ketchup.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Did you know that? - Tommy K, everyone knows what tommy K is.
No, they don't.
Don't get on the kids' bandwagon.
I knew what tommy K was.
- No, you didn't.
- Even though I'm a man who prefers Bobby Brown, I didn't know what tommy K was.
- No, you didn't.
- Oh, I did.
Would you order anything else with it, or was - it just a bacon sandwich? - Well, it depends.
If I'm feeling a bit fruity, I'd have an OJ.
Orange juice! I knew that.
I knew that.
Would you maybe add a bob? Would you add a bob to it? Shut up! Would you add a bob? A BOB, bit of butter.
Didn't you know that? A bit of butter? You're so old, Grandad! Why did you block the Deliveroo account? - Why didn't you just stop ordering them? - I tried that.
I tried just not ordering, but my willpower is obviously not good enough.
So I e-mailed the Deliveroo HQ, and basically asked them.
- I thought it was quite funny at the time, but then they actually blocked me.
- How did you word it? "Hello, I've got a bacon sandwich addiction, "help, please block my account.
" LAUGHTER And did they get back to you? No, but I then tried to order two days later and I couldn't log into my account.
It's been reinstated since.
I e-mailed again, because it is actually quite annoying.
How did you e-mail? "Hello, I made an enormous mistake.
Please can I come back?" No, that was the e-mail you sent to me.
I certainly did not! What do you think, Ellie? She's telling it well, but I don't think it's the truth.
- Why? - Because Lee I think she's lying.
I think she's clearly insane.
I think it's true.
Absolutely true, 100%.
- Lee? - Yeah, we'll say it's true.
- You're going to say true? Toff, truth or lie? It is true.
Yes, it's true.
Toff really did have to block her own bacon sandwich orders.
Ronan, you're next.
As part of my vocal warm up, in the hour before any Boyzone show, instead of speaking, I would insist on singing everything I had to say.
- Right.
There we are.
Lee's team.
- Right.
Would you sing it in just any melody, or would it have to be a Boyzone song melody? It was like that monotone, like a musical.
Monotone? So it was a Boyzone melody.
The same note, most of the time.
Stuck on the same note - I knew I fed him that line! - All right, look, we're in the dressing room.
- Yep.
I'm your road manager.
Lovely, salt-of-the-earth guy from Dublin, called Mikey.
- He was in the band.
- And I've come in to ask you - He was in the band.
- This is Mikey 2.
- OK, Mikey 2.
- And I've come in to ask you.
DUBLIN ACCENT: So, Ronan, we're looking forward to the show tonight, so we are.
Now, what would you like to be eating before the show? What can I get you? SINGING IN MONOTONE: I don't want anything to eat before the show.
And basically it was Barry Gibb, from the Bee Gees, and he told me that this was a great tool for warming up before the show.
- Is that what he was doing? - That's what he does.
- Do you want a packet of crisps? - SINGS IN HIGH VOICE: Yes! I do! - He still does it today.
- That must have been very irritating.
Hang on a minute, your promoter has come into the dressing room.
All right, Ronan.
Listen, we're going to shift your car.
What's the registration number? SINGS: HZV 903.
And where would you like APPLAUSE Hang on, hang on.
Where would you like us to put it? We could put it from the front, or we can stick it up the back.
What would you prefer? SINGS: Stick it up the back.
That is a ringtone, right there! What do you think, Ellie? How does this strike you? Yeah, I think it could be true.
Because Adele, she didn't speak for ages to perfect her voice.
What do you mean, for ages? She had something wrong with her voice, so she had, like, one of those I think she had an Etch A Sketch? Have I made that bit up, an Etch A Sketch? Maybe she just had a notepad.
I've mixed up Adele and Toy Story.
That's what's happened.
Is there any less efficient way of getting notes to people? You can draw a lovely house! You definitely need some techniques before you go on.
That seems to me very credible.
But I believe everything about it apart from the monotone.
It would be an odd thing to get your voice warmed up by singing only one note, so I think it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie? OK, Ronan? Truth or lie? Unfortunately, lads, it's a lie.
APPLAUSE I thought I had you! I thought I had you! Yes, it's a lie.
Ronan didn't sing everything he had to say before a Boyzone show.
Rhod, you're next.
For one month, I chose to sleep on the streets, rather than talk to the people I was supposed to be living with.
David's team.
And at what stage in your life was this? - What stage? - Yes.
Do you mean how old was I? I suppose so.
Age, 20.
Whereabouts, where was it? Spain.
What made you vacate your house? There was no house and I never went to it.
You never went there at all? It was a hotel, sort of hostel thing.
Not a house.
I went there, I stood outside.
- OK.
- Looked at it.
- Yeah.
- Thought, "Nah.
" So, it wasn't the people, it was the It was the idea of the people.
You wanted to live alone, and were surprised that a hostel didn't afford that possibility? You stayed on the street? The street? For a whole month? Yeah, I think so.
Bar a couple of nights here or there, yeah.
Did you pull on the other nights? What happened on those? LAUGHTER You're absolutely right, yeah, that's what happened.
So, on those occasions, the thought of other people wasn't quite so loathsome.
LAUGHTER - Yes.
- Where in Spain was this? It was in Salamanca and I slept on a bench, right dead centre of a square.
- How were you washing your clothes? - I didn't.
Well, how many pairs of pants did you have? I'm going to say four, but Four for a month without washing them? - I said four but it could have been seven.
- Well, seven's not enough.
You need 28, otherwise you're an animal.
I hate to support your own team-mate against you, Lee.
If you're going to a place for a month, you might decide you're not going to take enough underwear to have a fresh pair of pants every day without ever washing them.
- How many pairs of pants do you own? - I think I've probably got about I've got Maybe Look at you, desperately thinking! What is the right answer? There's no right or wrong! You're amongst friends.
- I think I've got about 14 pairs I'm happy with.
- Yes.
Another four or five, that would do at a pinch, and I use the word advisably.
Predominantly boxers or bikini brief? Um, predominantly It's interesting that this is what the conversation LAUGHTER Predominantly what I believe is referred to as a sort of trunk.
- You favour the trunk? - Yeah.
- Gosh! - You mean the jockey short? Like a boxer short shape, but tighter.
Look, I'll just take my trousers off and you can look.
- I actually did wash a pair of pants.
- Oh, you remember? - I did wash - It's amazing how these things come back, isn't it? The reason I chose the middle of the square was because there was a bin lorry that would come around every morning in concentric circles, just spraying from the side of the lorry, hosing down the square.
I would stay in the middle, then I would wash in the bin lorry when it got to the centre, and one day I did wash a pair of pants - on the hose on the side of the bin lorry.
I did.
- Wow.
Hi, girls! This is my friend Rhod, would you like a drink? You put a pair of pants in the way of a bin lorry's hose - to wash it? - Yeah.
I used to wash in the bin lorry.
Well, a tap at the side of the bin lorry, yeah.
So, they wouldn't mind you sauntering up to the bin lorry - and turning the tap on? - No, they were very amenable.
The local binmen.
Miguel.
Did you learn the phrase "Can I wash my pants on the side of your bin lorry?" in Spanish? Erse puede lavarme los, erm What's underpants in Spanish, Rob? Panto undero.
LAUGHTER Panto undero! How many pants have you got, Rob? I was just given a gift.
It was my birthday recently.
Not that you'd know, from any response from you.
And I didn't know you were still alive.
LAUGHTER What did you get for your birthday? Oh, sorry, yeah.
I got some Old man who forgot his story.
It was a lovely present anyway, on with the game.
Do you remember, Rob, you were telling us a lovely story about your pants? Do you remember? Tell us about your pants.
- I got some pants.
- Yes! Now, so, yes.
Ronan Keating, what do you think? Yeah, I could see him doing that.
Toff, what about you? I think it's a completely insane thing to do, to do what you did, so I think you're lying.
There is a lot of detail.
I'm going to go true.
You're saying it's true.
OK, Rhod, was it the truth or was it a lie? It was a true! APPLAUSE - Insane! - Yes, it's true.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Maria.
APPLAUSE So, Ronan, what is Maria to you? This is Maria.
She is the Boyzone competition winner that, 20 years ago, won the duvet from my bed.
Toff, how do you know Maria? So, this is Maria.
She works for my new business venture selling clip-on earrings for dogs.
LAUGHTER And finally, David, what is your relationship with Maria? This is Maria and she once gave me a gingernut when I came over all queasy on a glass-bottomed boat.
Lee's team, where will you begin? Well, we'll begin with Ronan, I think.
So, she won your duvet 20 years ago? First of all, what was the competition? Was it on a TV show? It was my 21st birthday and it was a radio show, and on the radio show we did a competition to give away my duvet.
Was it actually your duvet or did you just buy a duvet? It was actually my duvet.
Sorry, just to be clear, do you mean the duvet or the duvet cover or both? It was all of it.
You mean all the horrible old manky duvet bit that's inside, full of coffee stains and others.
What did she have to do? So, it's a radio show.
They're going, "Very good morning to you.
"You're going to get your chance today to win Ronan Keating's duvet.
" - I was in Ireland.
- Sorry? - It was in Ireland.
Sorry, sorry, Ronan, he's got a limited range.
The only chance you've got is if Ronnie Corbett co-hosted it.
What did she have to do? It was a competition, people had to send me a birthday card.
Right.
And I would pick one of the birthday cards out.
So, tell us how it worked, talk us through it.
We were actually doing the show live from my house, on my birthday.
Ah! - Ah, now it's - Nice detail.
They came to the house and so we did it from there, so they wanted an item from my house.
So, they just had to send you a birthday card and you would choose the best, and how did you judge The picture? What was it? We put the cards in the washing machine.
You put the cards in the washing machine? And we We spun it around a bit, then I put my hand in and took a card out, and it was Maria's.
- Did you sign it, the duvet? - I did.
- Was it a single or a double? - It was a double.
Did it have buttons round the top or on the side? Down the end.
You're lying, nobody would know that.
How else do you think they get the duvet in and out? A duvet from 20 years ago?! From whatever era, it has to have buttons to get the duvet in and out.
No, sometimes the buttons are on the side, you said it was on the end, you'd never remember.
- Depends on which way you turn it.
- No, no, no.
- They are always at the bottom! - They are on the side.
Buttons are never down the side, never.
I think I know what's happening here! - I think you've got the duvet the wrong way around.
- Yes! Can I ask you a question? Do you find, when you're sleeping at night, that your neck and knees and toes get very cold? Let's move on.
Who would you like to question next? Let's go with Toff.
Toff, you are claiming what? So, Maria basically runs the production for my new business venture, making clip-on earrings for dogs.
OK.
How's that going? Well Are you going for a particular breed or is it for any dogs? No, it's for any dogs, but we've had to be quite careful about the clasps, because obviously dogs' ears are quite thin.
- Yeah.
- We've got ten different styles.
Oh, good, go through them all quickly.
Oh, God, do I have to do all of them? I'm not sure I - That's embarrassing.
- Do you want to change it to three? We've got two pearl ones, we've got, like, a small one and then a long one.
Oh, you're going to get through the ten like that, are you? Then we've got medium-sized pearl, then we've got a very large pearl one.
Basically we've got ten sizes of pearls.
If I wanted to put an earring on my schnauzer, how would I go about it? Well, the company's called Dog And Sloane, get it? Dog and Sloane? I like that, very good.
I wanted Bone Ranger but it was already taken.
That's my website, innit? LAUGHTER What does Maria do for your business? And how did you recruit her? I found her onit's called Radio HP, have you heard of it? - It's like Gumtree for posh people.
- It's like what? Gumtree for posh people.
It is.
What did the advert say? It just said, "Work based in Battersea, production managing.
" Battersea because you think there'd be good clients there? - Yeah! - Captive audience.
- Literally.
- Yeah, exactly.
Because that's what homeless dogs are looking for.
Priority, isn't it? "Who's looking for a new home then?" "Oh, no, no, I'm looking for a new pearldrop" They do an array of size of pearls apparently.
How big is this business going to be that you're going to have people? - Maria's one of four.
- She's one of four? - Staff members? Working for you.
- I'm not joking.
- Eh? - I promise.
- One of four.
- Oh, you promise! Well, why didn't you say?! Oh, I didn't know you were promising! Oh, that's a whole different ball game.
We don't need to ask any more We don't need to ask David.
It's Toff, she's telling the truth, because she's promised, hasn't she? What about David? OK.
Remind us, David, of your Maria gave me a gingernut LAUGHTER .
.
when I came over all queasy on a glass-bottomed boat.
I've known you long enough, David, to know you would not accept a gingernut from a stranger.
Where were you in the world? I was in, er I was near the island of Capri in Italy.
- Who were you with, David? - I was on my own.
You were on your own? On holiday on your own? No My wife and child had consented to join me on the holiday.
Why were you queasy? Because of the undulation of the boat caused by the action of the sea.
Nothing to do with the glass bottom, then? It wasn't because Well, I think it might have been something to do with the glass bottom, because one thing they tell you not to do, if you're suffering from motion sickness in a boat or a car, they tell you, "Don't just stare at the floor.
" If you pay to go for a ride on a glass-bottomed boat, you're wasting your money if you just stare at the horizon, which you can do from the land.
The whole point of the glass-bottomed boat is to look straight at the bottom of the boat, which is ironically the very action that would make you nauseous.
I'd say it's a design fault.
What was Maria doing on the boat? Glass-bottomed boats are for tourists, really.
They're not used much in international freight.
So, we were, all of us on the boat, really, apart from the driver, was there in the capacity of a tourist.
- And she came prepared for the trip with some gingernuts? - Yes.
We all do.
Who doesn't go sailing without gingernuts? Well, me.
Gingernuts are That's what they recommend.
I just recently did a programme with the Navy, and that's what they recommended, gingernuts, they swear by them.
For travel sickness, motion sickness.
- Do they?! - Absolutely.
- Gingernut biscuits? - They do.
So she said to you, "Let me offer you a gingernut.
" Did Maria say anything else? What was the exchange, then? She I can't really remember.
- But she said - What, you just ignored her? You took the gingernut and MIMICKING DAVID: "Thanks very much.
" - Is that what you did? - Yeah, well, I mean, that is how my face is, so, yeah.
Right, we need an answer, so, Lee's team, is Maria Ronan's bedding buddy? Toff's doggy designer? Or David's seasick samaritan? Hmm.
Well, I think Toff's out.
- Is she? - Yeah.
Surely, right? No-one's buying doggy earrings.
I think, as upsetting and disgusting as it is - Yeah? - It's Ronan.
I don't find that upsetting! - Ronan's? - No! - Don't you? - As a 12-year-old girl, I would have loved to have won Mark Owen's duvet.
- Ouch.
- That would look like a flannel.
What about David? Well, you see, David, nauseous, on a boat, no-one has gone with him.
It's all ringing true, isn't it? So, let's make a decision.
- It's Ronan.
- Ronan? - We'll go for it.
- You are going to say it's Ronan? OK.
Maria, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Maria, and I won Ronan Keating's duvet.
Yes! Maria did win Ronan's duvet, and she has kept it all those years.
And it's here Which side does it open? He has signed it, that's nice.
And just to clarify, there was never a cover.
- There was never a cover.
- Never a cover.
You cheapskate! Which is different to their albums, which was full of covers.
There you go.
Isn't that nice? Hello, Maria, all these years later.
How are you? Aw! Now, that's how you treat your fans, Lee.
And this is your most treasured possession.
Yes.
Well, that's And where's it been for all these years? The attic.
In the attic.
Really treasured! LAUGHTER Well, Maria, thank you very much for coming on.
Thank you! Safe trip home.
Lovely, thank you for coming.
Maria! Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Ellie.
When I worked as an estate agent, if the person I was showing around the house didn't seem interested, I'd tell them Noel Edmonds was born there.
- David's team.
- Whereabouts were you an estate agent? Erm, in Islington.
Did you have a company car? - I did.
- What car was it? - It was a Foxtons Mini.
Oh! So classic! Thanks, babe.
- Were you in sales or lettings? - Lettings.
- So, you'd be showing around a flat that you could rent - Yeah.
And you'd say, "Oh, by the" They'd go, "Well Do you know what, we're not sure and we're a bit busy.
" You would go, "Let me stop you there.
" It was kind of a joke in the office about the kind of things that you could drop and people would believe.
And the running one became, for me, that I would always say that Noel Edmonds had lived at the address.
Why Noel Edmonds? Because it was just a random stupid person.
And what did you used to say? You used to say that he Oh, sorry to offend Noel Edmonds fans! LAUGHTER Earlier you said that he was born there.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Just now you said that he lived there, - but you would say that he - Well, he did - he was born there.
"People often say he lived there.
" "Yeah, he used to live here from the ages of nought to two.
That's when he lived here.
" "Who did he live with?" "His parents, probably.
" Did you ever get a sale because of it? Should have said a deal or no deal, surely.
I don't necessarily know if I got, like, a proper sale from it, but people It would be unlikely, because you were in lettings.
"Noel Edmonds was born here.
" "Well, in that case, forget renting it, we will take the place!" LAUGHTER I don't know if I ever sold I don't know if I ever got a proper My client would like a moment.
When you say born, did you go into details of his first breath or was he transported there? No, I don't, I don't know the ins and outs, literally, of the birth.
And it would be an unusual second line.
"Noel Edmonds used to live here, "would you like to hear about his first breath?" "Because there's only me and you here!" Long pause and then, "I don't really work for Foxtons.
" "I haven't even got a Mini.
" "Noel Edmonds was born here, it was a very difficult birth.
" "The screaming was heard for hours and hours.
" "If you stay quiet, you can still hear it now!" Let's imagine for a second, let's, for people with limited imaginations, we could re-enact some of this.
Lee, you're looking to rent a flat, and Ellie is showing you around it - off you go.
KNOCKING I'm with you, because I've got the keys.
I'm checking the kitchen worktop.
- Yeah, that's pretty solid.
- Yeah.
- I like that.
- OK, that's included.
- Oh, you're not taking that with you? No, that's included in the rental.
She's not the owner.
- She is the estate agent.
- Thank you.
Estate agents don't take anything Sorry, would you mind turning the television off? Hello, would you like to go on a - I'm going to be honest with you.
- Yes.
I'm not massively interested in this flat.
I'm just 50-50.
OK, well Maybe it'll help things if I tell you that Noel Edmonds used - to live here.
Born here, in fact.
- Wow! In fact? Well remembered, Ellie.
I can't believe it.
I'm very interested.
- How long was he here for? - Oh, not long, just a few childhood years.
Oh, right.
This is a long shot, and it's a bit of a deal-breaker, but I doubt it.
You wouldn't know how his first breath went? It went very well, very well.
- I'll take it! - Absolutely.
Right, David, what's it going to be? This is my concern about this story.
People who are being shown around rental flats, I don't think they need to be as interested in the place as if they're buying it.
It's not like you have to fall in love with the place.
And I think this Noel Edmonds bit of, "Oh, that's an interesting thing," would be a better technique if you were trying to sell flats.
And I think that was what was in the mind of the person who invented this lie and put it on the card and then Ellie mistakenly said she worked as a lettings agent rather than a sales agent.
So, you think it's a lie, you're pretty - Decisively? - Yes.
OK, Ellie, was it the truth or was it a lie? Oh, ye of little faith.
It is an absolute lie, yes.
Yes, it's a lie.
Ellie didn't name-drop Noel Edmonds to try and sell houses.
BUZZER And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team has won by three points to two.
Well done, Ellie.
Thanks for watching.
We will see you next time.
Goodnight.